No Rock And Roll Fun

Karaoke feud in Liverpool ends in blood-spattered street sword fight.

CNN reports on how they've come up with a way to make creaky old bands reuniting even worse: you stick a couple on a package tour, and then make them record a new song. Together:

It started with classic rockers REO Speedwagon and Styx, with their "Can't Stop Rockin' " tour and single of the same name.

Now Chicago and Earth, Wind & Fire are getting on the bandwagon.

Yes, Chicago, Earth, Wind And Fire are going to mark their combined tour with a combined single.

It is, though, in a good cause, as it's designed to encourage people to bring food to the gigs to help local food banks, in effect, turning the gigs into horn-heavy harvest festivals. Which makes it hard to be too grumpy about it - there's more than enough to cavil over in that it takes this sort of thing to block the holes in the American welfare state before making it down to wondering how the hell you merge Chicago with EWF.

Bizarre is leading this morning with the news that Amy Winehouse has canceled a gig.

Yes. They held the front page for that.

A pal said: "She is drinking like a lunatic and there was no way she'd be ready to perform.

"She still has too many demons to fight. It is such a shame."

One of those close pals who see their close friend struggling, and sniff "she's like a loony. What a shame."

Meanwhile, Amir Khan has taken the hump at some imagined slight from Michael Jackson. In one of the increasingly implausible excuses for the cancellation of Jackson gigs, someone suggested it was "other shows" at the O2 interfering with rehearsals. Khan has decided this was a jibe at his boxing plans, and reacted with the splendid overreaction you'd expect from someone who punches people for a living:

“Tell Michael if he wants to come to my trainer Freddie Roach’s gym I’ll show him what it takes to prepare and rehearse properly.

“I’ve always been a big fan of Michael Jackson but I was annoyed to read his comments.

“I’m annoyed he used my fight as the reason for letting down fans. Now it’s up to me to light up the O2.”

To celebrate this attempt to flog some tickets to the boxing, Gordon has had his Photoshop team do their best to, erm, mock up Khan beating a punchbag with Jackson's face on it.

Everett True on the demise of Plan B:

I’m getting choked up. Obviously, I’ve been aware of the imminent demise of Plan B for some time – but it’s one thing just sharing that knowledge among a few likeminded souls, and another having it made public.

I mean, Jesus, we didn’t do so bad, did we? Built ourselves into a national magazine from scratch with no outside funding, and lasted four-and-a-half years. Folk are already talking about this as one more nail into the coffin of the print media, but actually I think the advent of web 2.0 had little to do with Plan B’s demise. Sure, it’s related to the way the music industry is mutating. Sure, it’s related to the global recession, localised – but Plan B was too much a niche title for web 2.0 to have that much of an effect.

I don't think there's a person alive, or indeed who has died in the last ten years, who would have expected Michael Jackson to turn up for all the booked London dates. But did anyone think they'd be falling apart quite so soon?

The first dates have, as you'll know if you weren't in the air all day yesterday, been "pushed back". But it's not because Jackson's sick or anything. Oh no, no no. No. No no:

AEG Live president Randy Phillips said the rescheduling had "absolutely nothing" to do with the star's health.

He added: "I would trade my body for his tomorrow. He's in fantastic shape."

I wouldn't go round saying stuff like that, Randy. Not only does it make you look and sound ridiculous, but I suspect Jackson might have a team of surgeons who have been waiting for just that sort of offer...

The official line is that the gigs have been pushed back due to "technical difficulties". The first night will now take place five days late, while some other July dates will not happen. Sorry, that should be "not happen until March 2010".

Bugger. You leave the country for 24 hours, and your favourite music magazine closes. Plan B is shuttering:

Sadly, yes - we were preparing a nice statement to go on here for you all after telling all our contributors and contacts, but sadly the gossip machine has beat us to it. I'm sorry you've found out via hearsay.

We've come to the decision to close Plan B Magazine after the June issue after a lot of deliberation. The current economic climate, combined with the situation of the music industry - to which, whether we like it or not, the fortunes of a commercial monthly music mag are inextricably linked - has made it ever harder for us to continue producing the magazine the way we want to. To keep going, we'd need to make cuts in staff, content, size, frequency, print quality - and we're not prepared to do that. We're still above water, we're making some beautiful magazines, and we are quitting while we're ahead.

[The Plan B] forum has been a hugely important part of the magazine. At present, we'd like to keep it going as long as there's a will to do so, as the site will be continuing for a while. We are hoping to archive all our back issues as PDFs, and will be continuing to sell back issues for a limited period of time.

Subscribers will be refunded in due course - Richard and I will be in touch about that once the June issue has been sent out to you.

If you are a contributor and were not notified about this by email, our apologies. We tried to contact everyone today, but our mailing list messages do end up in junk mailboxes sometimes.

I'm you all have questions about this. If we can answer them, we will try to do so.

Well-written, loving indie magazines sadly tend to have a lifespan somewhere between butter in a microwave oven and incredibly curious kitten in a threshing machine testing zone, but it doesn't make it any less disappointing when it happens. Thanks to everyone at Plan B for some glorious, glorious hours spent with their fine product, and for introductions to some smashing bands.

Presumably so Bob Shennan is able to sleep soundly at nights, Jonathan Ross' Radio 2 programme is going to be pre-recorded in the future.

Well, the programme will be recorded in the past, obviously, but this will be happening in the future. Or from now on:

However, from tomorrow's broadcast, his Radio 2 show will move to being pre-recorded "as live" each week on Fridays, giving the BBC the chance to edit out any gaffes or questionable content.

If the programme is edited, then it's not exactly "as live", is it?

The BBC News story is interesting:

[The Radio 2 spokesperson] did not confirm whether listeners will be told the show had been pre-recorded when it is aired.

Really? Because it's not like BBC Radio has even got into difficulties sticking out a programme without letting on it has been taped, is it?

The poor-but-predictable showing of The Pick Of Destiny has presuaded Jack Black that he's better off doing other people's stuff:

"It was a body blow, mainly because we had so much fun making it. I got a lot out of the writing. I was psyched to write more screenplays, but that kind of killed my writing career."

Perhaps he should have tried writing a comedy instead.

Is Amy Winehouse's St Lucia break really doing her any good?
from the Mail online

The leading story in the showbusy world this morning, according to the online version of Bizarre, is that, erm, Kate Moss has done some modeling.

Yes, since you ask, that is what she does for a living and not, you'd consider, so much of a surprise. Saskia Quirke is given the task of trying to make 'person does job for which they're paid' into something noteworthy:

SMOULDERING KATE MOSS is back to being super-glam again — after some rough words about her recent appearances.

Super-glam, huh? Who is she modeling? Versace? Gucci?

She wore outfits, including a £130 see-through top, that she designed for Topshop.

Oh. Superglam in a Top Shop sense, then.

Still, at least you can see her nipples in one picture, eh, Saskia?

And there’s no doubt which image is breast.

Breast - do you get it? Do you? It's quite subtle.

Oddly, though, while in this piece, Bizarre is pointing and yelling "look, you can see her tits and everything", Gordon suddenly comes over all coy when talking about Dizzee Rascal and hios ways of saving money:

He tells me: “I’m quite an outgoing person, but I much prefer staying in, playing PlayStation and getting... ”

Er, let’s just say at this point he explained that he likes getting intimate with da ladies.

Do you mean fucking, Gordon? Given that you run photo after photo of women showing their nix and nips, why do you suddenly get all shy when you have to actually talk about sex?

Isn't there a name for someone who is sneakily obsessed with breasts and butts, but turns bright red and can't look you in the eye when talk about people actually having sex?

Oh, yeah: it's "pubescent", isn't it?

It's not entirely clear why Dizzee is sharing his money saving tips with us in the first place, but it does give Gordon's Photoshop Intern the chance to lazily stick Rascal's head on The Sun's Captain Crunch character. That's the retread of the News Of The World's Captain Cash, bemusingly named after the Sou'westered breakfast cereal hero. Although, to be honest, I'm not sure very many women would be thrilled to know you're staying in having sex with them because you're too cheap to spring for a trip to the pictures.

After some well-received guest slots on the channel over the last few months, Cerys Matthews has been signed up as maternity leave cover on 6Music. Nemone's off to have a baby, and - apparently by law - the lunchtime show must have a female presenter just as surely as none of the other daytime slots may:

Bob Shennan, Radio 2 and 6 Music controller, said: "Cerys' amazing passion for music delivered in a charmingly engaging way is a welcome addition to 6 Music and will provide the perfect lunchtime cover whilst Nemone is away."

It's funny: "charmingly engaging" doesn't sound like a ringing endorsement of her on-air style, although a lot of daytime on 6Music could do with a massive injection of charm. And engagement.

Ash, Billboard crows, dedicate energies foolishly. Gonna have interesting journeys, launching multiple new output, pursuing quite rigorous stunt. They'll upload various xylophoneless yodels... oh, bollocks... zebras or something.

Without sounding like the Radio Times definitials: Ash are going to release a single every fortnight, with the titles of tracks following strict alphabetical order. It's like The Wedding Present's Hit Parade, only even grander and slightly madder in scale. I think it was the Melody Maker that described half the fun of the Hit Parade was because it was like watching a drunk staggering back from the bar with a tray full of drinks, and wondering if he'd complete the journey without disaster.

Siouxsie is unhappy with the way women are treated by what's left of the music industry:

Speaking at the launch of her live DVD, Finale, the iconic singer told 6 Music: "There are some strong female performers but the industry's pre-occupation with the packaging of how a woman looks has gone completely the other way, back to almost the 60s, early 70s.

"I like a bit of eye candy like anyone but to have it solely about the eye candy and have it fall into a category so rigidly as well is wrong."

Whenever they make a programme about Women In Rock, Sioux always pops up, shortly before Kate Bush and Annie Lennox; very few of the programmes bother to mention that despite all this trail-blazing decades ago, it's apparently still considered so unusual for a woman to be a (mainstream) rock star that it's considered worthy of a concept for a television or radio show.

But, hey, there's always Susan Boyle, right?

6Music also says this:

Siouxsie, who came to fame in 1976 in the infamous Sex Pistols interview with Bill Grundy before becoming a star with The Banshees, also criticised the way music is sold.

Did her appearance being leered over on Today really make her famous? I was too young and, besides, we got Southern not Thames, but I've always had the understanding that once TV companies felt bold enough to start running footage of the infamous appearance a few years after it happened, the idea that Siouxsie was in the background was considered noteworthy.

If this is the sort of chapter that got cut from Juliana Hatfield's memoir, you surely have to read the stuff that made it?

On the night that Carl and Evan’s mom came over, we had a bunch of boxes of shrink-wrapped Nicely, Nicely albums stacked up in the condo pad. Gary, who happened to be there at the condo pad that night, and who happened to be what some people might characterize as “radically progressive” politically, and very knowledgeable, seemed very interested in Carl.

Gary asked Carl where he was from.

Carl said that he lived in Washington, D.C.

Then Gary asked Carl what he did for a living.

Carl said that he was a journalist at the Washington Post.

Gary smiled and then it dawned on all of the rest of us simultaneously that this man, who had looked vaguely familiar, was CARL BERNSTEIN. Of Woodward and Bernstein. Evan’s mom’s friend was one of the two Washington Post reporters who broke the Watergate break-in story which helped to bring about Richard Nixon’s resignation. The two guys who, literally, wrote the book about the scandal (All The President’s Men), and who were played by Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman in the movie.

We all tried to stay cool and restrain ourselves from yelling out, “Holy Shit! You’re Carl Bernstein!” or “Oh my God!” and jumping up and down and hyperventilating but it was difficult because this man was a really important historical figure — kind of an American hero, who’d helped bring a dirty president down. And he was standing in our kitchen shooting the shit with us dirtbag indie rocker kids.

Before he left, Mr. Bernstein bought two copies of Nicely, Nicely (eight bucks each). We wanted to give them to him as a gift but he insisted, graciously, on paying. He removed the shrink wrap and had all of us Blake Babies sign both albums. He gave one to his son and left with the other one under his arm.

[An unpublished chapter from When I Grow Up by Juliana Hatfield]

What does Gordon Smart - or Someone Still Loves You Guy Ritchie, to give him his pen name - have this morning? Over-excited praise for Ritchie's new film:

It Sher looks good

Sherlock Holmes, you see. Sher looks.

So, has Gordon had a sneak peak of the film? Got a glimpse of the rushes? Been to the set?

Not quite.

GUY RITCHIE’s new Sherlock Holmes movie looks better and better every time snaps of it cross my path.

Oh. You've seen a handful of stills. Hey, it might look a bit slavish to lavish praise on a film based on a couple of artfully posed shots, but it's not like Gordon's staking his reputation having only seen the storyboards, is it?

Guy told me last year he was going back to the detective’s dark roots.

Did you know Sherlock was a bare-knuckle fighter with a taste for dodgy substances in the original tales?

Seriously? You're asking us that seriously, Gordon?

What's coming tomorrow, Gordon: "you might not know, but in the original story Hamlet was actually a member of a royal family?" "It's a little-known fact, but if you check the first books, Poirot wasn't French at all; he was Belgian"?

But let's not assume that Gordon is out of his comfort zone here; he's also got another film story this morning as he cooks up a falling out between Gwyneth Paltrow and Scarlett Johansson on the set of Iron Man 2:

While Scarlett has been donning sexy catsuits and carrying guns for the scenes shot so far, Gwyneth has mainly had to settle for prim business suits.

But she has been assured she will get her moment to come out all guns blazing in the flick’s action-packed finale.

She's "been assured" of that. Because, presumably, she was quite unable to read the end of the script in which she'd be doing that, then?

Shazam - that handy little thing which lets your phone tell you what you're listening to - is getting sued, along with several companies which use their technology:

Shazam is named along with Samsung, Apple, Amazon.com, Napster, Motorola, Gracenote, Verizon Wireless, LG Electronics, AT&T Mobility, and Pantech Wireless in a suit filed Tuesday over U.S. Patent No. 6,941,275, which was issued to Remi Swierczek/Tune Hunter in September 2005. The suit accuses Shazam's music discovery and identification service of violating the patent and the other companies of benefiting directly from Shazam's alleged infringement.

That patent:

Tune Hunter's patent covers "a music identification/purchasing system, specifically to a method for marking the time and the name of the radio station in portable device such as a key holder, watch, cellular phone, beeper or the like which will allow the user to learn via internet or regular telephone the name of the song, artist and/or music company by matching the stored data with broadcast archive."

How did they get a patent for that when, erm, Shazam has been running since about 2002?

Not outside of by-election disasters has coming in a lowly fifth been met with such applause and delight. Fifth place in Eurovision? That's brilliant, that is:

"Jade performed brilliantly, as I knew she would. I am delighted with her fifth place finish. After so many years of disappointing results the UK can finally hold its head up high," said [Lloyd-Webber]

Hang on a moment. Fifth? Not disappointing? Maybe I missed something back when the heats were taking place to pick a singer to do the song, but I don't quite recall the aim being "to at least be in the top ten somewhere" or that "we're choosing a singer who can ensure that Britain would at least make it on to the podium if two other entrants scored more points but got disqualified." Were we really all rooting to be fifth-best?

Shouldn't the response be "well, we had a crack" or "it's the taking part that counts"? Given that the build-up kept stressing how, with Milord Phantom on the case, this represented the very peak of our competitive-musical fitness, isn't fifth actually pretty crap? At least if Scooch crash and burn, you can shrug and say "well, it was Scooch, what do you expect?". But wasn't this meant to be our dream team, our Manchester United, our Eggheads, our Botham's Ashes first XI? And we still came in fifth.

Mind you, at least we weren't robbed like Turkey were. Theirs was actually good.

The Enemy turn up to play some songs for Gordon Smart and - lord help us - John Gaunt this morning, and set their hats at tumbling their idols:

Tom & Co will be supporting OASIS this summer, but hope to take over as our No1 band before long.

That sentence implies that Oasis are our number one band, but let's let it pass, shall we?

The Enemy are set to play with the GALLAGHERS in front of 90,000 people at Wembley, their determination means they won’t be truly happy until they are headlining there themselves.

Tom said: “I don’t think NOEL needs to do it any more. He’s doing it for the love of it. That’s the dream.

“That’s when you can say you’ve made it.”

Is Noel doing it for love? Aren't he and his brother more like a married couple who have long gone past passion, through love and beyond comfort; now they're barely even going through the motions.

They even took the news that Bob Dylan had pipped them to No1 spot in the album chart early this month with good humour.

Tom said: “I was disappointed for about two minutes then it occurred to me it was Bob.

“You have worse days than coming second to him.”

Oh yes. A bloke who hadn't had a number one album since sweets came off the ration. There's no shame in being the first band in decades to be kept off the top spot by him.

While Gordon is nodding quietly along to The Enemy, he's left it to Caroline Iggulden to pick up the Jackson story. She trots through the usual cancer story stuff - brave, waving at fans, more bravery. The story has everything, except for the denial of the whole story by the Jackson camp. Which might be something a Sun reader should at least be made aware of, don't you think?

Dan Wootton was claiming in today's News Of The World that the Kaiser Chiefs have been dropped.

The Kaiser Chiefs have reassured their fans that it isn't the case, and once both of them were happy, they got in touch with the NME:

However, a spokesman for the band told NME.COM there is "no contractual change to report".

"The band has two records left to run on an existing contract," he said. "Kaiser Chiefs will take their first break in six years at the end of the summer. As with many successful artists, the band is considering creative options to improve the way their music reaches people ahead of their forth album."

To be fair, Wootton never quite claimed they'd been dropped, just merely that band and label were going their separate ways, and the PR statement sounds slightly woolly. Come to that, was the stress on "many" or "successful" in that second sentence?

George Lamb has broken the 6Music messageboards. Or ten people talking about him have:

Bob Shennan; Controller of BBC Radio 2 and 6 music has an announcement about the future of the board which i'm posting here.

"I'm sorry but today we've had to suspend the 6 Music "Feedback" topic on the 6 Music message boards.

It has become apparent that the topic, especially the thread devoted to the George Lamb show, needs full time dedicated hosting (as per BBC guidance here: www.bbc.co.uk/guidel... ).

We had hoped that the board could continue to stay open whilst we sought to find an appropriate host which is why Jane has been hosting on a part time basis for the last 6 weeks.

Unfortunately this has not proved possible. Regulars to the board will know that it is a highly volatile forum and tensions often run particularly high. This is especially so around the George Lamb thread, moderation decisions and discussions relating to BBC staff.

Dealing responsibly with the activity provoked by a board where 10 regular users have been responsible for nearly 7000 posts concerning one programme just isn't the best use of BBC resources at the moment. This is regrettable given that we have also received articulate and welcome feedback about the station on these forums from many users. Thank you for that.

However, the board's posts will all be archived and still available to view and the topics devoted to Marc Riley, Bruce Dickinson, and Gideon Coe will continue to remain open.

I also want to reiterate that this is a temporary suspension of the board and that once we have found an appropriate host we will look again at how best to develop constructive dialogue about the future of the network.

Bob Shennan
Controller, BBC Radio 2 & 6 Music

Could this be, in any way, connected with the piece in the recent Private Eye:

Last week the BBC confirmed that Barry Lally, one of morning show presenter George Lamb's on-air sidekicks, had been repeatedly posting messages of praise for Lamb and his show on the station's messageboard while posing as an ordinary listener behind the nickname "U-Bend".

Lamb - a presenter so actively disliked that 4,961 radio fans have signed a petition to "Get Lamb Out" of the station, while his own on-air appeals to listeners to commit to "Keep Lamb On" resulted in only 2,186 signatures - was doggedly championed by U-Bend. When asked by other messageboard users, "U-Bend" flatly denied he had ever appeared on the show.

Although posing as a member of the public is a strict no-no under BBC editorial guidelines, at least it now makes it a little clearer where they're finding all these people who love the George Lamb show. They're coming from the George Lamb show.

You might wonder if Bob Shennan has closed down the right part of his empire.

Yesterday, you know, I might have been a bit hard on dear old Tesco. Perhaps it isn't fair to compare their attitude to the new Manics album cover on the shelves with their website's gorily-written game puffs.

So, to be fair, I popped in to Tescos. Yes, we have a Tesco store near us - unusual in the UK, I know.

You'll recall that this is the image which Tesco have refused to display on their shelves:

And the reason, given by their spokesperson, is that it is "inappropriate" and "we are a family retailer and we feel that it is the right thing to do."

It's touching to know that Tesco operate a family-friendly only shelving policy for their stores, isn't it? This, you have to conclude, is appropriate for your kids:

A child with a birthmark? Horrifying. But a dismembered head and manacles dripping blood? What could be a nicer post-kindergarten treat?

Why, children would be upset by the Manics album - sure, it's a birthmark, but it looks like blood. That's really unhealthy for the nippers.

Now, an actual head, with what's clearly blood, that's fine. It's not so confusing, is it? You know where you are with proper bloody heads.

Why would you bother hiring clowns or balloon animal makers for your next child's birthday party, when Tesco is offering all this family-friendly material?

After all, it's never too early to learn the correct order of doing things - certainly, by the age of six, my Dad made sure I was knew why you had to bind before you tortured, and only then killed.

Now, I know what you're saying: Some of these grisly DVDs are on shelves as high as three feet off floor level, and surely Tesco must take care to see that the place where the smallest children are are a bit less gory, right? And indeed they do:

Down on the bottom shelf level, it's just scary faces, half-naked porn stars and blow job gags. Tesco is always aware of avoiding inappropriate items for its family customers.

And, yes, I'm still being unfair. This is, after all, the horror section of the entertainment part of the store, and Tesco make every effort to keep children out of wandering into the blood-and-blowjob part of the shop by, erm, having a small sign saying "Horror" right above the DVD rack.

It's different elsewhere in the shop, right?

Ah, yes. Nestling next to kid-tastic animated Bee Movie fun, a bloody sickle - and at pocket money prices, too.

Still, be reassured, parents: At least your kids won't have nightmares about a child with a birthmark. Even if they had seen the Manics sleeve, by the time they'd walked through the gore-and-torture strewn shelves of their local Tesco store, they won't be able to sleep in the first place.

Photos taken in Tesco Extra, Kingston, Milton Keynes, afternoon of Saturday 16th May

If you have tax-exempt tears, prepare to shed them for Bono as Dan Wootton breaks the news that the band have run out of steam:

NOT such a beautiful day for seasoned rockers U2 - their latest single has become the lads' biggest flop in TWO DECADES . . . it didn't even make the Top 40!

Despite being the standout track on their new album, Magnificent had a chart performance that was anything but (sorry BONO).

It only managed to limp in to No 42 thanks to its paltry 5,157 copies being sold and downloaded.

He's apologised to Bono? Really?

Still, nobody is really surprised by the world not being interested in U2 singles in 2009, are they?

Well... except Dan, of course. What was it he was predicting back in February?

Magnificent will end up a No1 hit and yet another trademark U2 stadium anthem.

Perhaps Bono should apologise to Dan.

The ten most-read Eurovision related stories since 2007 have been:

1. Liveblog: Eurovision 2007
2. Ireland select Turkey for entry; gets roasted
3. Liveblog: Eurovision 2006
4. Doomed tunes: UK shortlist, 2008
5. Liveblog: Eurovision 2004
6. Liveblog: Eurovision 2003
7. Head of Eurovision begs Wogan to shut up for five bloody minutes
8. Austria quits Eurovision 2009
9. Liveblog: Eurovision 50th anniversary special
10. Justin Hawkins: Scooch had secret singers

And don't forget the 2009 Eurovision liveblog

Back in the real world, these were this week's interesting releases:

Graham Coxon - The Spinning Top

download The Spinning Top

The Church - Untitled #23

Download The Church back catalogue

Leona Naess - Thirteens

download Thirteens/i>

Belinda Carlisle - Heaven On Earth special edition

download Heaven On Earth

Nadja - When I See The Sun Always Shines On TV

download When I See The Sun...

Saturday Night Fry: The full series

The Mozipedia: The Encylopedia Of Morrissey And The Smiths

BBC News is reporting - or, rather, twittering - that there's been a tornado at a Peak District music festival.

There's a breaking report now that a stage has come down, with three people injured.

7.50
And so, after a fallow year (actually, I was beyond the reach of even the European Broadcasting Union's powers of transnational transmission) it's the return of No Rock's Eurovision Liveblog. Back in 2007, I managed to upset someone from Norway (or wherever it was) because I failed to show enough respect to their between-tracks microfilms; given the fabulous intolerance of Muscovites - demonstrated by the crushing of today's gay pride march - I hope there's nothing in any way amusing about the telecast at all.

This year's event is being shown in HD, which is not so much of a leap forward as the programme going on without Terry Wogan commentating like a brigadier locked in a wine cellar awaiting the arrival of the Cossack hordes. Graham Norton is apparently planning to chair with dignity. Which is probably more than it would deserve.

The UK is fielding Jade, of course, with Andrew Lloyd Webber's terrible song. Or "Sir Andrew Lloyd" as hapless 2008 punchline Andy Abraham called him this morning. ALW is putting his reputation on the line for this year's concert. But since his reputation is as that "bloke who hasn't written anything decent in thirty years", it might well be not so much of a gamble.

8.00
What was Duncan Banatyne doing on the lotto show? Isn't he the sort of bloke what made it by hard work, sweat of his brow? Should he be encouraging types to dream of winning cash instead?

Big letters are floating through the streets of Moscow for the opening credits. Straight letters, obviously - they wouldn't have gay letters. Not in Moscow's streets anyway.

The heart sinks as we discover that everything will have a circus theme tonight. Like the Banker's Birthday week on Deal Or No Deal. That was a bit rubbish, too.

Cirque Du Soleil are here to launch their clown-and-tumbling shows in Russia. It's like watching kids doing gymnastics to opera.

Norton, clearly, has abandoned his intention to keep things respectful in his commentary.

Oh, there's a fire juggler. Glastonbury on a really, really bad night.

8.05
Letitia Dean is dangling from a flying machine and yelling across the audience, while a tax inspector comes flying in from the sky. Oh, it's last year's winner, apparently.

The list of participants reveals that this year's event is being "partnered" by, amongst others, the Schwarzkopf hair product people. Just like the NME Awards and their tie-up with Shockwaves. Music and shampoo. Natural partners.

The voting is going to be a complicated mixture of phone votes and jury deliberations - this, apparently, is going to stop there being the block-votes that have ruined the event in previous years. Somehow.

8.10
On come the hosts. One bloke, one woman. The bloke appears to be a cross between David Walliams and Ross from Friends. The woman is Myleene Klass. "Russia is very cold and always snowing" says Myleene. But she's only joking - that, apparently, is what you'd think if your idea of Russia comes from James Bond films.

Yeah, fancy believing Russia is the sort of place where police break up human rights demos, or people who fall out with the government end up being poisoned by radioactive materials in other countries.

Here we go, then, song number one

Lithuania - Sasha Son - Love
It's Timberlake's hat at Elton's piano.

His song is so dull, all they can think of for the banks of screens is to project some piano keys onto them.

Hang on, he's got up so that he can... erm, go and stand somewhere else on the stage. Girls and boys are crying at home, says Sasha. Well, maybe, but only because you've bored them to tears.

8.15
@thisrealitypod isn't impressed:

The Lituania entry is prime Eurovision material. Dull, dull, dull, dull and dull. With more dull on the side.

Israel - Noa & Mira Awad - There Must Be Another Way

As usual, Israel have stuck in a song calling for everyone to get together, let bygones be bygones, stop falling out.

Bloody hell, it's Cher. And a redhead. See? They're both different, but they can get on. Those with pageboy cuts and frightwigs, singing in harmony. Why can't, you know, different races be like that? Assuming they're not being kept apart by a fucking huge concrete wall, of course.

The women are now surrounded by male instrumentalists - perhaps they represent global opinion. I reckon the bloke with the drum is the UN.

Oh, and now Cher and redhead are having a drum. Pleasant enough.

8.20
France - Patricia Kaas - Et S'il Fallait Le Faire

This is going to be a chanson, says Gordon. I like me a bit of a chanson.

Patricia is apparently popular in Moscow, and does get quite a big cheer from the crowd.

@sareini:

France's singer looks like Tasha Yar from ST:TNG

Trouble is, this song sounds like it needs to be sung from the broken heart, but Kaas is too thrilled to nail it.

8.25
@MissCay

BRING BACK SEBASTIAN TELLIER!

They're rattling through them, aren't they?

Sweden - Malena Ernman - La Voix

Don't look directly into her eyes. Oh, lord - this is the sort of track that a sports programme producer thinks is classy classical.

Malena has now also been encircled, by a group of tall bank tellers, most of whom have buns on their head. And who - yikes - have just come out carrying defiled Bafta awards to hide behind.

8.27

Croatia - Igor Cukrov feat. Andrea - Lijepa Tena

Beautiful Tena, apparently. As in the company that makes pads for the incontinent adult.

Oh, some Spanish guitar. And another group all in black. STOP POINTING YOUR CROTCH AT ME, Igor.

Oh, alright. Point your crotch at me, providing I can have a go on those boots. Do you have lifts in them?

@johnrshanley:

Graham's not drunk enough yet

Oh, Andrea's come on now. Her role seems to be to screech a little. If you close your eyes, you might enjoy it more. But you might also not even notice there's a song there.

The backing dancers for these have cloaks made of black gauze. Useless for flying, those would be.

8.30

Portugal - Flor-de-lis - Todas As Ruas Do Amor

Refreshing after all these dark outfits to have some bright primary colours. Even if it does look like a high school performance of Hair using the costumes left over from last year's Sound Of Music.

Yes, I like her - she's sassy. It's a pity that she keeps making way for a woman with an accordion, though, an instrument which exists solely to be used as a means of making the next buskers along seem better.

8.35
@ptrshr:

From the front the Portuguese girl playing the accordian appears topless. Traditionun-dress?

Go Portugal.

Iceland - Yohanna - Is It True?

Churning through seven songs in half an hour. We could be in bed by a decent time at this rate.

Yohana is singing in English, wearing a prom dress and hoping for "a perfect dream." Is it true, she worries. Did I throw it away?

This really just shows how badly the X Factor and its ilk have ruined music across the planet.

I'm just sore, of course, that Ireland didn't win through from the semis - I liked their over-optimistic 'Pink has kids with The Bangles, and forces them to become B*Witched' entry, and would have been quite happy to have colluded in some block-voting for them.

Is Iceland's song still going?

8.40

Greece - Sakis Rouvas - This is Our Night

Shawndra points out if Greece win, they could use their empty Olympic stadiums. (Although, as Jemini bloke pointed out, the acoustics don't make shit songs sound any better in sports stadiums.)

Sakis is doing a hard gay anthem - more In The Marines than In The Navy. He's really flinging himself into the dance for the song.

Rouvas is now on a giant conveyor belt - it's meant to make him look like he's moonwalking plus, but instead it gives him the air of being a bottle of fabric conditioner moving inexorably towards the scanner.

@danmaclean:

the Greek singers and dancers remind me of Ben Stiller's team in Dodgeball

8.45

Armenia - Inga & Anush - Jan Jan

Oooh... this is more like it. The sort of music you make in a land where your coffee comes in slices. "Everybody move your body" isn't entirely original as lyrics go, but you feel if you don't obey you'll get an authentic ethnic heel up your ass until you fall in line. It's like being menanced by a tourist information office. Splendid.

@glinner:

By the way, all the curtains and furnishings from my Mum's living room were recently stolen, if anyone has any informa--heyyyyyy!

Russia - Anastasia Prikhodko - Mamo

Home team! Home team! Graham says her father is incredibly rich. We're up for being bribed.

Oh, hang about, having seen her and heard the first bit of the song, I'm not sure there's enough money in all the Russian gas fields to persuade us to vote for this. Did the lyrics really go "dicky-ricky-daa-waa"?

8.50
Azerbaijan - AySel & Arash - Always

A rash? What sort of name is that for a singer? "What will we get down the club tonight?" "Arash, I think".

This is the second time Azerbaijan have come into the finals, and they're trying to distract us by giving the dancers some pretty purple v-shaped skirts. The song, sadly, is just old-skool Seaside Special.

8.55
Graham reckons it's getting a standing ovation. God knows why. Perhaps people just wanted to stretch their legs after an hour sitting down.

Bosnia & Herzegovina - Regina - Bistra Voda

It's a bloke in a white suit, surrounded by characters off the top of a tin of Quality Street. They all seem like they're going to a very, very serious circus. Perhaps a clown has died?

@msilveruk cuts to the important question, though, about their performance:

Bosnia&Herzegovina probably has no gap between either side of the '&' because IT made the field too small

He's right, too, you'd have to bet - I can see them backstage during preproduction, trying to work out who has the longest country name in Europe.

9.00
The rest of Europe has gone to ads, so we're getting a knockabout film featuring Moscow police. Which gives Graham a chance to mention the heavy-handedness of the real Russian police, although more in sorrow than in anger.

This is the best argument for the BBC taking advertising.

Moldova - Nelly Ciobanu - Hora Din Moldova

Nelly has got something written on her hands. If it was "remember to wear skirt", it failed as an aide memoir.

@leonbaloo:

bring back the singing street people! #Kalinka malinka, kalinka maya, vsadu yaduga.....#

Knee high purple velvet boots. The songs have been quite humdrum this year, but there's some excellent boots going on.

Oh, dear. Nelly is now looking a little like she's gone mad. Like someone who won't let you just enjoy a drink: "lets have a dance. let's dance. Come on, everybody, dance..."

9.05

Malta - Chiara - What If We

The song starts with honking car horns. Unless that was outside?

Oh, this has the word "adequate" scribbled all over it. The sort of song you'd get to do half way through your cruiseship set, if you promise the ents manager you'll stick to covers after it.

@cocorosie23:

wooooot for bbw singers, I rather see that than some worn out prostitute that cant sing

Estonia - Urban symphony - Rändajad

First umaluts of the evening, as what would appear to be a group loosely based on Bond (the fairly-pretty classical group, not the spy franchise) take the stage with a track that feels like it might have originally have been aimed at appearing in a promotional DVD for a corporate customer, but got dropped when the credit crunch hit.

9.10

Denmark - Brinck - Believe Again

This one was written by Ronan Keating. In part. Have Ireland got so afraid of winning by accident they're sending people to help other nations?

On the other hand, if you were doing that, wouldn't you send someone who was going to contribute something better than a Boyzone cast-off?

@thehorsesmouth:

was ronan bitter about ireland not qualifing so he's singing in a curtain?

Brinck says he wants to believe in something bigger than the "two of us". What, like a whale or a bus? Why can't you believe in a bus, Brinck?

There are fireworks going off behind the singer. Oh, they've fizzled out now. At least they fizzed a bit longer than Brinck did.

9.15 - Alex Swings Oscar Sings! - Miss Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

The one with Dita Von Teese propping them up, of course. If you stare at her very, very hard, you might forget that it's like Stutz Bear Catz slaughtering the memory of Dean Martin.

Oscar is wearing trousers made of bacofoil which - given the heat of the studio lights - will probably mean his testicles are going to be charbroiled.

Somewhere, almost off camera, Dita is taking her shirt off.

Why is she here? How, exactly, does a special guest star work in a song contest anyway?

9.20

Turkey - Hadise - Düm Tek Tek

Did she just say they met or move like animals? She's actually much sexier than Dita Von Teese, so that's a bit of a moot point. Although she appears to have got a CBBC presenter on stage with her doing some of the vocals.

Why don't we get more Turkish pop, just generally, to cheer us up during the winter? Wouldn't you rather have Hadise than Kasabian?

9.23
Oh, apparently they're Lloyd-Webber's favourite act this year.

Albania - Kejsi Tola - Carry Me In Your Dreams

Oh, this is one of the semi-finalists I caught while trying to keep myself pure. The girl in the tutu being menaced by a guy whose had his mum run him up a gimp outfit from some used curtains.
@ezs:

Albania - it's Bonnie Langford and a wrong shade of Blue Man

This is quite nice, except for the performance being so stage school. "Search for me in your dreams" instructs Kejsi. Hint: She'll be sat at the exam desk next to you, and probably the first one to notice that you're naked.

9.25

Norway - Alexander Rybak - Fairytale

Graham says Rybak has a face he'd like to slap, which is a good starting point. He wrote this himself, too. Although that's "wrote" as in "altered enough from something by Topol to be able to avoid lawsuits".

His dancers are bouncing around on all fours, like cats dryhumping the stage. What fairytale would that be? Puss In Boots When His Mum's Gone Out For The Evening?

9.30
@thomasmcnab:

"When I was younger." What, you mean when you were an unborn foetus

Norway are meant to be the favourites? Seriously?

Here we are, then, being shouted at by the presenters. This must be a bid to wake up viewers in their later years.

Ukraine - Svetlana Loboda - Be my Valentine! (Anti-crisis Girl)

Righto, so what's going on here? The song seems to be Demis Roussous goes to the disco, but the set... it's like it's been made from pieces picked up when the people who made the Radio Ga Ga video went out of business. "Take three giant cogs, I'll throw in the ladder and a couple of centurions helmets." "Deal."

Blimey, the robot-centurions have just twirled her right through 360 degrees.

Is she singing "bum" over and over again? And having a go on the drums. That's multitasking.

@ainz90:

Ukraine: strip club celine Dione?

9.35

Romania - Elena - The Balkan Girls

Oh, this is just trying to pull a Ruslana. Hey, we'd all like to pull a Ruslana.

There have been a lot more bearable songs this year, so far - the number of drippy boys in white trousers and serious girls in black dresses doing ballads about love and peace, or loving peace, has been reassuringly low, and hopefully will see them extinct by 2011's contest.

Elena and her dancers have just formed a ring-a-ring-a-roses group. Bless their little hearts.

9.40
Given that Israel's songs are always about peace, whose idea was it to give their fans in the audience giant mallets with the Israeli flags on?

UK - Jade - It's My Time

You know how disappointing this is. Lloyd W big on da piano. We should have gone with the twins, which at least has an element of cheap sexual fantasy, something that works well with the judges.

There's nothing she's afraid of. Certainly not the thought of Europe going "meh" as one.

Surprisingly warm reaction from the audience, though.

@lirlond:

they were doing so well until they showed his face |:

9.45

Finland - Waldo's People - Lose Control

"Welcome back to the 80s" says Norton, as if he'd think that a bad thing.

Spinning fire jugglers! Again! While someone does a very poor Eminem (or at least passable John Barnes) rap.

Twitter is, erm, all a twitter about Jade apparently getting clunked by her violinist during her performance. I suspect they had a trained killer in her backing musicians - "if it goes badly, we must end the performance by any means. I shall give my signal... no, no, abort..."

The end is nigh, of this bit, anyway:

Spain - Soraya - La Noche Es Para Mí (The Night Is For Me)

Spain's problem is their entries always sound like the soundtrack to their 'come to Spain' commercials. And their singer looks like she was expecting to be ice skating - heh heh, perhaps she got her idea of Russia from the James Bond movies, eh?

A (male) dancer has just flashed his breasts at Soraya. She didn't seem surprised by this. Bet she gets it all the time.

Is it just my ears giving up, or did they fade her down way before she was done?

@nicolalalalala:

bollocks. not even Sarah Harding in sequins could pull it back for us.

9.50
So, now we're into voting. Graham - who is having a brilliant Eurovision, it's so nice for the commentary to be genuinely warm rather than just worldly cyncical - says that every years "thousands" vote for the UK even though they can't.

They're getting cosmonauts to open the voting from space. I'll bet they're not the first people to appear tonight wearing diapers.

The picture from the space station broke up at the end - I'm guessing that would be our new alien ant overlords taking back control, then?

10.00
I think I'm going with Armenia, just edging ahead of Portugal in my hearts.

Having done the phone numbers, the TV is now showing a little film dispelling myths about Russia. Apparently it's not all snow and the KGB, you know. Well, not snow, anyway.

Amusingly, Ronan Keating has managed to become a trending topic on Twitter, which might mean Denmark could do well. Or perhaps Ronan Keating should expect a large crowd to arrive with flaming torches and pitchforks in the next few minutes.

After Thursday night, when the Americans spent most of the evening going "what the hell is #bbcqt", they're now puzzling over #eurovision. Although with Dollshouse getting renewed, they're finding enough to keep them interested.

10.07
And voting has closed, in the midst of some low-level presenter skittage.

While people add up their numbers, there's the traditional interval act that makes no sense. It's like one of the challenges from a recent cycle of America's Next Top Model. So, on that basis, if the UK does win, we should plot something for half time around the "look, I'm horribly dead" challenge.

10.15
@brokentv:

Tsk. Don't tap on the glass, you'll scare them.

10.17
The votes are coming in.

Spain first - "best one ever" creeps the Spanish host.

10 points for the UK - leading for five seconds, but it's Norway who get 12.

Still, at least we're not going to spend the evening heading for nul points.

Belguim: Ooh, their host has a bun. Their twelve goes to Turkey, and nothing for the UK.

Belarus:
Man, that's some cleavage. Did she know she was going to be in vision?

Three for the UK, and she's frozen at the point of giving out the big scores.

10.20

It's already looking like Norway have this in the bag.

Malta:

If that's her real hair, she could harvest it and use it to stuff sofas. More big points for Norway, and just enough to keep Jade in the game.

Germany:

They've given the job of doing the numbers to a bloke in Hamburg, in a sea of paper flags.

Eight points to the UK - shaping up for the best result in years, without the need to actually host the bloody thing next year, then.

Czech Republic:

"Calling you from beautiful city of Prague"

Ah, Graham is thanking all the nations, even the Czechs, who give us six. If Terry was here, he'd already be deep into calling up the NATO troops.

Sweden:

Vanessa Feltz is doing their scores for them. Oh, shit, she's singing the results. That's ill-advised.

Norway get the twelve.

But that song was duff.

10.25

Iceland:
Iceland looks over-eager.

I love the 'flash movie loading' style bar indicating how much more we've got to go. Although now it's clear that Norway are going to run away with it, it could move a little faster,

France:
Their man is in front of the Eiffel Tower. Imaginative.

Turkey get 12 from France, knocking Jade down to third.

Israel:
As if to underline their outsider status, it looks like they've invited Chris Langham to give out their scores.

Even Israelis liked Norway, taking them through the 100 point barrier before half the results are in.

Russia:
And the slow slide continues, as the UK sinks to fourth.

Latvia:
Latvia seem to be hungover. At eleven in the evening?

Two points for the UK takes Jade back to third.

Montenegro:
Ah, Montenegro's score woman is so lovely, it's making me wish they'd had a chance to do some singing tonight. Although she has a slight air of wishing she'd not come in national dress.

UK slips to fifth as Monetnegro give their 12 points to Bosnia. You've got to respect tradition.

Andorra:
That. Is. A. Chin. Actually, it looks like she's got two chins - not double-chinned up and down, it's a side-to-side double chin. They give twelve to Spain and lift them from being the only country with zero.

Finland:
A man in a plaid shirt, looking like a coy Ricky Gervais. Finland only gives Norway eight, and twelve to Estonia.

10.35

Switzerland:
Not being neutral, then, this time. Norway seem to have a run of eights and tens, but still have double their nearest rivals.

Bulgaria:
Bulgaria announce that they're having a great time. And they looks like it.

The UK pick up seven points, but remain solidly fifth.

France aren't really doing all that well, considering their singer was meant to be some pan-European star. Perhaps the aging bit in her performance frightened Europe's kiddies.

Lithuania:
The points are flowingto Norway again.

UK:
Oh Duncan Bloody James. Why? Is Myleene Klass busy? Could we not have had Adrian Chiles, at least?

The people of the UK have given twelve points to Turkey, which makes sense. I forgot I liked them by the end of the performances, but they were great.

Macedonia:
Macedonia seems to be trying to take control of the programme from within a split-screen window. Oh, ten points for Bosnia. This new system really has worked, hasn't it?

Twelve points for Turkey, putting them joint distant second.

10.40
They're doing commercials? During the voting? Even the Russian host seemed surprised at that move.

Still, gives a chance for a quick dip into Twitter:
@purplejp:

I'm still embarrassed that the UK gave 10 points to Norway. Who exactly ARE our expert panel anyway?!?!?

And we're back in the room, after a quick for the official DVD. Buy it now, before you find out how it ends.

Slovakia:
Their guy looks like he's only doing this because his date never showed up outside the Odeon.

Ten to Norway, 12 to Estonia; Britain still solid fifth.

10.45
Greece:
Someone has taken time off preparing his lecture on archaeology to turn out and give twelve to the UK, bouncing us up to... erm, third.

I really wish the Russian producers would keep the bloody scoreboard on screen

Bosnia:
Bjorn Borg's zombie cousin pops up with wacky flowers and wacky medals and a general air of a man for whom a slap would be the correct response. 12 to Croatia.

Ukraine:
Actually, now Graham thnaking every nation for a few measly points is starting to take on the air of Uriah Heep. Six points for the UK, and Norway vanish off so far into the lead we could all go to bed.

Turkey:
It's Bet Lynch doing the scores. Twelve points to Azerbaijan? Seriously?

10.50
Perhaps the runners-up could host next year's semi-finals?

Albania:
The slightly creepy Albanian bloke reveals their country didn't love Norway quite so much as everyone else - seven points.

Serbia:
"Everybody's still talking about how unforgettable it was" says their presenter. Yes, people haven't shut up about it yet. Given how it's still going on. 12 points to Bosnia-H

Cyprus:
The UK is now neck-and-neck with Turkey. Cyprus gives its 12 to Greece. So I think you know which bit of Cyprus it is.

Poland:
Poland is also singing, although their chap looks like a policeman recently elevated to the CID. They give enough points to the UK to take Jade to fourth. Norway have so won, the question now is if they are going to score a record win.

Netherlands:
Ah, as befits a country below sealevel, their scores are being given by a mermaid. And knocks the UK back to fifth. Apparently the mermaid fell in love with the Norwegian boy. Does that mean she's barred from awarding twelve points, though?

Estonia:
She's pissed off. Really, really pissed off.

Their 12 points for Norway break the 300 barrier, and make it the biggest winner ever.
Graham tries to make a game of guessing where we'll end up. Mid-table, Graham.

Croatia:
A low budget Courtney Cox delivers the required 12 to Bosnia.

Portugal:
Apparently, the Russian audience is pissing off home, catching last buses and so on. 10 from Portugal puts UK in fourth, and 12 goes to Moldova. Moldova? Really?

Romania:
Hair and makeup ahoy. They also give 12 points to Moldova. All of a sudden, Moldova is popular.

Ireland:
Ireland do a spot of blarney, as they are supposed to. And they give ten to the UK. And not a sod for Ronan's Denmark effort. That's surely got to hurt.

Denmark:
Apparently there is a comb shortage in Denmark. Who give all their 12 points to Norway. 339 for Norway now.

11.00
Moldova:
Steady on, we're near the end. Moldova give 12 to Romania, for some fraternal reason.

Slovenia:
There are a lot of countries in Europe, aren't there? Their presenter calls for a minute's silence for Slovenia failing to qualify. It goes down like a 9/11 joke in a US airport. 12 points to Norway.

Armenia:
"Everything looks beautiful" she simpers, her head shaking on its overlong neck. The UK are still, by the way, fourth place. Finland are at the bottom, although possibly only on alphabetical order.

Hungary:
The Hungarian points woman seems thrilled, truly, to be here. Like she'd won a trip to a tractor factory or something. 12 to Norway.

By a freak, Norway will be doing their scoring last.

Azerbaijan:
She looks spookily like Charlotte Coleman. Or perhaps I'm getting bleary-eyed. She keeps leaving scary pauses. Their twelve goes to Turkey, and once again the scoreboard vanishes too quickly to see what that means.

Norway:
Norway already look like they've embarked on an alcohol-based national celebration.

So, Norway win. UK come fifth, which, sadly, will probably be good enough to lead to another run out for Lloyd Webber again next year.

They're firing the glitter cannons into what remains of the audience, in preparation for the encore performance.

They're sweeping the glitter off the stage now - health and safety mate. The song's popularity seems even more mystifting now.

So, what have we learned? That the BBC should probably have put Wogan out to grass much sooner. That the music actually seemed better this year, but still nobody is going to do their best stuff for it. And never mind the gay audience - if Eurovision is aimed at any particular sexual group, it's the boot fetishists who will really be getting off.

With it being Eurovision day, it's time for the now annual disclaiming of responsibility for earlier disasters. Because, naturally, doing a poor performance of a rubbish song is never the reason the UK loses.

Andy Abrahams turned up on BBC Breakfast blaming them pesky Eastern Europeans for his failure to score many points - apparently they colluded to vote against a poor performance of a rubbish song.

And six bloody years on, Jemini are still wailing how their loss wasn't down to them at all:

[Chris Cromby] said: “We were confident about representing the UK, but it all went tits up on the night.

“The hall it was held in wasn’t a music stadium, it was a sports hall, so it wasn’t somewhere which usually holds concerts.

“The monitors weren’t working, Gemma couldn’t hear herself, so she was out of tune.

“The BBC blamed our management and our management blamed the BBC.”

Ah yes. How hard for Jemini, forced to compete in a sports hall. When, erm, everyone else was performing in exactly the same bloody place.

Chris said: “As each country’s votes came in, we had a glass of wine. It was probably a good job we didn’t have to go back on to sing, because we were tipsy.

“About halfway through, we knew we wouldn’t get any votes, but it made us stand out, everyone remembers us.

“It is a talking point and it is going to be on my grave at the end. We get the odd person who gives us a bit of stick but we find the majority of people are great and very supportive.

“It was a brilliant experience, but I would not do it again.”

Chris, sweetheart. I know you might think that "everyone remembers you", but frankly, when people talk of Eurovision, it tends to be Cliff, or Sandie Shaw. Bucks Fizz. I don't think anyone remembers you, except once a year when you pop up to try and deny that you scored no points because you gave a poor performance of a rubbish song.

This year, Jade Ewen is promising to come top five. All that's really up for debate is how poor her performance of the rubbish song will be.

The ridiculous and offensive decision by supermarket chains to cover up the sleeve of the new Manics album gives HMV's quotemeister Gennaro Castaldo a chance to stress the youth club's liberal values:

HMV’s Gennaro Castaldo said: “It’s not the retailer’s place to censor the choice that it makes available to its customers.

“The fundamental difference here is that while specialist stores see music first and foremost as an art form, to be respected and appreciated, to supermarkets an album is no different to a tin of baked beans.”

It's not just Gennaro with an opinion here, of course. The supermarkets are keen to defend their decision to hide a figurative painting of a child with a birthmark:

Tesco say the painting, by Jenny Saville and titled State, is “inappropriate”.

Well, that's a firm and clear line, at least. Why is it inappropriate, Tesco?

But a spokesman admitted yesterday he did not know what the image depicted, adding: “We are a family retailer and we feel that it is the right thing to do.”

Ah, yes. A family retailer. Let's have a look at some of the stuff on that family retailer's website, shall we? How about the second-best selling PS3 game Dead Space, for example? Tell us about it, family retailer:

Strategically Dismember the Necromorph enemies - limb by bloody limb.

Ah yes. Fun for all the family there.

And then there's Assasin's Creed:

Experience the power of the Assassin.

Jerusalem, 1191 AD during the brutal times of the Third Crusade. The streets are bustling with activity, but in a few seconds, everything will change - all because of you, Altair, a feared Assassin.

Plan your attacks, strike without mercy, and fight your way to escape.

Experience heavy action. Use a wide range of medieval weapons, and face your enemies in realistic swordfight duels.

Ah, yes, smiting people in the holy land without mercy. You can see why a family who expects that sort of thing from Tesco might be shocked at the Manics album sleeve.

Doubtless Tesco would protest that there's a difference between a record on a CD rack and a bloodthirsty description of a computer game on their website, and they'd be right. Kids are much less likely to be wandering around the shop unaccompanied by an adult who can explain the difference between birthmarks and pretending to be a killer.

The Manics are not happy:

Manics singer James Dean Bradfield called the situation “utterly bizarre.”

He said: “We just saw a much more modern version of Lucian Freud-esque brushstrokes. That’s all we saw.”

So, should we be blaming the supermarkets, then? Maybe not:

Nicola Williamson, Sainsbury’s music buyer, said: “We felt that some customers might consider this particular album cover to be inappropriate if it were prominently displayed on the shelf.

“As such, the album will be sold in a sleeve provided by the publisher.”

Provided by... the publisher? So the label is actually behind the cover-up sleeve. You have to wonder if the record company hadn't turned up offering packets to hide the 'offensive' art from view, if anyone would ever have bothered in the first place.

The BBC is reporting that the Moscow police have broken up the Gay Pride march ahead of tonight's Eurovision.

Earlier in the week, the Dutch entry had threatened to pull out if this happened - it'll be interesting to see if they stick to their promise, and if anyone follows them.

The not-entirely-surprising news of Michael Jackson's skin cancer is passed to Emily Smith to break to a concerned nation:

DEFIANT MICHAEL JACKSON is determined to make a full recovery after doctors assured him that his skin cancer is treatable.

Well, yes, you would, wouldn't you? If a doctor said "Mr Jackson, your cancer is totally treatable", you wouldn't react by going "well, frankly, I'm not interested, I'm quite happy to die from it."

With Emily doing the reporting, it falls to Gordon to offer an opinion. Now, you might think there's not much to say beyond 'whatever you think of him, you wouldn't wish cancer on him', but apparently it calls for the editor of the showbusiness beat to say a few words:

HE has dangled his son from a hotel window, completely changed his appearance with cosmetic surgery and been dogged by shocking allegations about his bizarre private life.

But one thing that Michael Jackson can not be criticised for is his unique and unquestionable brilliance when he is entertaining fans on stage.

Gordon, presumably, hasn't seen any Jackson performance from, ooh, the last twenty years or so, where either he sets himself up as a pompous God figure, or else doesn't so much phone it in as use a freepost reply coupon.

As shocking as the news is of his cancer, I have no doubt he will be prepared to put giving 100 per cent to fans this summer ahead of his own medical fears.

It's not clear if Gordon feels the cancer is more shocking than the allegations about Jacko's private life - and don't you love that, out of respect to the man's illness, they're not bothering to go into "sharing bedrooms with young kids and giving them surprisingly large sums of money shortly after" nature of those allegations.

But does Gordon really think Jackson would put his fans ahead of his own health? When he supposedly he wouldn't even visit the UK for fear of swine flu and has a track record of not turning up to gigs he's been booked for? It doesn't sound much like the Jackson everyone knows and... well, everyone knows.

His farewell tour dates at the O2 arena in East London have been the biggest talking point in pop for fans, journalists, fellow musicians and the music industry since it was announced earlier this year.

Until the Spandau Ballet reunion, at least.

He is the only living artist capable of filling the 20,000-capacity arena for a whopping 50-night stint.

No he isn't. Especially given that the dates are spread over a period of months, Pink Floyd could. The Stones could. McCartney, certainly. Oasis and Robbie Williams, probably. However chilling those prospects might be.

Gordon burbles on in this fawning manner for a while, before coming to his conclusion:

Everyone is willing him to get well soon. For all the music memories he has given the world, he deserves to bow out on a high.

Actually, for all the rubbish he's done since Thriller, he deserves a long and happy retirement.

Jackson's not the only singer who has medical problems this morning: Will Young is having to have singing lessons after an operation for tonsillitis. Yes, yes, there is an obvious joke hanging there, but it would be cruel and unnecessary; even if you don't much care for Young's music, you'd have to wish him well.

The 3AM Girls have a small piece this morning about Bucks Fizz:

Making Your Mind Up still has loads of, er, Fizz. With this year's Eurovision looming, the 1981 entry by Bucks Fizz is revealed as the most played track in the contest's history by the Performing Right Society.

More often than Waterloo? Really? You might wonder at the state of record keeping that came up with that nugget, but more to the point, you might also wonder why the PRS is spending money skimmed off songwriters' royalties on filling up gossip columns with meaningless fact-nuggets.

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Fifteen glorious years

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Saturday, May 23, 2009

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