As anonymous points out below, the shortlist of entries for this year's
Song For EuropeMaking Your Mind Up has been announced today - quashing, at least, this morning's stories about the possibility of Ziggy and/or Chanelle having a crack.
Although they don't sound so bad now. First out the traps, Fresh (Or is it Fly?) from Fresh N Fly:
Michelle Gayle is probably best known for her role as Hattie Tavernier in EastEnders which helped launch her successful assault onto the British charts in the Nineties. Michelle has had a string of Top Ten UK hits including Sweetness, Do You Know and Things Are Looking Up.
Michelle's song, Woo (you got me) is pop in essence, but she says it has very cool Sixties vibe to it. According to Michelle, the song is about a couple who are from different countries, so have a language barrier – they are literally lost in translation.
So, someone who loved singing so much, she became an actress. We're not sure anyone who thinks that "a cool sixties vibe" is different from being "pop" really should be entering a singing contest. And 'Woo You Got Me' - it hardly suggests the couple are going to have too many in the way of problems translating that.
It does put us in mind of an old joke, though. Bloke comes back from holiday, and his mate asks him how it was. "Oh, brilliant. I met a wonderful Swedish girl." His mate is surprised, not knowing he spoke any Swedish. "I don't, and she didn't speak any English, but she came up to me and drew a picture of a glass. So I realised she wanted to go for a drink with me. Then later, she drew a picture of a knife and fork - because she wanted to have a meal with me. After that, she drew a picture of a bed. How she knew I was a carpenter, I'll never know..."
Former X Factor finalist Andy is currently writing his third album after winning over the nation with his soulful sound.
His Eurovision entry, Even If, is a funky ballad about a man who has found genuine love and wants to show his commitment. Andy believes his song is catchy, memorable and cool enough to be a winner.
Obviously, Abraham hasn't been that effective at winning the nation over if he didn't win the X Factor and has managed to release a follow-up album without anyone much noticing. A funky ballad, eh? Isn't that slightly contradictory?
Twenty-two-year-old Aimee Kearsley and 24-year-old Emma Beard are the lively popstrels that make up LoveShy. With five years experience in the business as part of girl band Clea, they think a loud and catchy song is the way to win Eurovision.
Their entry, Mr Gorgeous, is a stylish pop song about meeting the perfect guy and wanting to spend all your time with him. LoveShy say that Mr Gorgeous is less of a love song and more of a lust song!
Clea? Another bloody Cowell-related act, then. Shouldn't there be a rule that we won't send a band to Europe if they've already failed in a public vote? Clea's "experience" amounts to having managed ten weeks on the singles chart with five singles, one of which never made it; they never cracked the top 20. Hardly suggests that they can find the public g-spot over a three-minute dash. And the whole concept of the track sounds like a diet Coke advert.
The Revelations consists of Annika Magnberg, 24, Louise Masters, 24, and Sarah Vitorino, 22. Their classic soulful pop music is influenced by Sixties girl groups such as The Supremes, along with more contemporary influences like the Scissor Sisters.
The Revelations' song, It's You, is an upbeat and original modern motown song celebrating love and how good it feels. The girls think It's You has all the right ingredients of a winning some because it's a good tune with fantastic harmonies.
We're throwing our weight behind this bunch - they're like a proper band and everything, off Fierce Panda records, and formed via an ad in the NME. Which is reason enough to support them. If the track's any good, we might make a banner.
They won't win, of course.
Twenty-four-year-old Rob hit our screens last year as one of the final 12 Josephs in Any Dream Will Do. "Rob the Builder", as he became known, had no idea a year ago that he was about to be launched into a full-time career as a singer – let alone be up for representing the UK in Eurovision.
Rob's song, I Owe It All to You is a big ballad that Rob hopes will show his vulnerable side by being in such contrast to the rock songs he sang in Any Dream Will Do. Rob thinks that recent entries have lacked passion – something his has plenty of, for the song, his country and his love of performing.
Aaaand we're back to the also-rans in karaoke contests. We don't remember which one was Rob - despite the attempt to suggest he might have had a personality.
Born and raised in Romania, Simona Armstrong was one of Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber's final ten from the hit BBC One series How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria? Sadly Simona didn't make it as Maria, but she is delighted to be taking part in Eurovision where the competition is taken very seriously in her native homeland.
Simona's song Changes she feels has a universal appeal as it's about keeping positive and adapting to the challenges and changes of every day life. She hopes that if she makes it through to the competition in Belgrade this year that Romania will give the UK douze points!
Good lord - one Eastender, two Lloyd-Webbers, two Cowells and a proper band. We don't remember which one Simona was on Maria, either, but if she turns her back on us and we all join in So Long, Farewell, we might remember.
So: hope for the best, but prepare for the very, very worst.
Alright, at least there's no Paul Medford.