Eurovision: Every loser's whinge

With it being Eurovision day, it's time for the now annual disclaiming of responsibility for earlier disasters. Because, naturally, doing a poor performance of a rubbish song is never the reason the UK loses.

Andy Abrahams turned up on BBC Breakfast blaming them pesky Eastern Europeans for his failure to score many points - apparently they colluded to vote against a poor performance of a rubbish song.

And six bloody years on, Jemini are still wailing how their loss wasn't down to them at all:

[Chris Cromby] said: “We were confident about representing the UK, but it all went tits up on the night.

“The hall it was held in wasn’t a music stadium, it was a sports hall, so it wasn’t somewhere which usually holds concerts.

“The monitors weren’t working, Gemma couldn’t hear herself, so she was out of tune.

“The BBC blamed our management and our management blamed the BBC.”

Ah yes. How hard for Jemini, forced to compete in a sports hall. When, erm, everyone else was performing in exactly the same bloody place.

Chris said: “As each country’s votes came in, we had a glass of wine. It was probably a good job we didn’t have to go back on to sing, because we were tipsy.

“About halfway through, we knew we wouldn’t get any votes, but it made us stand out, everyone remembers us.

“It is a talking point and it is going to be on my grave at the end. We get the odd person who gives us a bit of stick but we find the majority of people are great and very supportive.

“It was a brilliant experience, but I would not do it again.”

Chris, sweetheart. I know you might think that "everyone remembers you", but frankly, when people talk of Eurovision, it tends to be Cliff, or Sandie Shaw. Bucks Fizz. I don't think anyone remembers you, except once a year when you pop up to try and deny that you scored no points because you gave a poor performance of a rubbish song.

This year, Jade Ewen is promising to come top five. All that's really up for debate is how poor her performance of the rubbish song will be.

Germany feels the cold wind of rejection

If Terry Wogan's toy-chuck wasn't over-reactive enough for you, Germany is treating its less-than-stellar performance in Eurovision as a national crisis:

"Why doesn't anyone like us?" asked Bild am Sonntag newspaper after Germany had yet another horrendous showing in the annual contest watched by more than 100 million viewers.

"Are we too stupid to win or is it simply we're not liked?" the Sunday newspaper said. "The fact is Germany's top recording artists have failed spectacularly in this contest. Do our singers simply have no chance abroad?"

Since being too stupid has never been a handicap in winning Eurovision, the Germans can at least take comfort in still being more popular than the United Kingdom.

Wogan gets the huff

Curiously, since he's spent the last three decades commentating on Eurovision discussing dresses, hairstyles, body shape, national characteristics and fair dash of whimsy, Wogan's threatening to quit because erm, it's not a proper music contest "any more".

Somehow surprised that a duff song delivered by someone with no charisma came last - a song, let's not forget, that was chosen by his intervention - he's now talking about calling it a day:

Terry said his producer, Kevin Bishop, was stepping down after this year's contest.

"He and I have to decide whether we want to do this again," he said.

"Indeed, western European participants have to decide whether they want to take part from here on in because their prospects are poor."

Apparently, Wogan sees himself as some sort of showbiz Moses, about to lead his children to a brighter future where we're no longer at risk of block votes from the former Balkan nations. Or perhaps to split the union to give England the chance of a generous Celtic vote.

We could, on the other hand, try and enter a half-decent song.

Eurovision: Won't someone think of the integrity?

As if the voting in Eurovision was a sacred bond of trust between humanity and the muses, there's now worries that text voting could skew the results, reports MediaGuardian:

The continued use of SMS voting across Europe is bound to raise fears about who wins the contest, which takes place in Serbia tomorrow night.

The BBC banned SMS voting from programmes following the spate of fake TV scandals, saying the technology was not accurate enough to guarantee that all text votes were counted in time.

Sources have confirmed that the BBC has raised the issue with the European Broadcasting Union, the body that runs the song contest.

Well, it'll give Terry Wogan something else to grumble about if he ever gets bored of moaning about block voting. Not, of course, that that's likely.

Dustin binned

Well, that's probably going to make the more humourless Irish feel better: Dustin The Turkey has been booted from Eurovision at the semi-final stage and won't embarrass the nation on Saturday night.

Azerbaijan, though, did make it through - as did Norway, which probably just adds insult to some sort of perceived injury.

Eurovision boss seeks some love

As the contestants start to gather for the latest bout of Eurovision, contest supremo Bjorn Erichsen has called for Terry Wogan to, well, shut the fuck up:

"Terry Wogan is a problem because he makes it ridiculous. I know he is very popular and maybe that's the reason a lot of people watch."

He claimed that the UK should follow Sweden's approach and show some "love and respect" for the competition.

Yes. It's Terry Wogan who makes the show look ridiculous.



Terry Wogan does that.

Wogan's worst fears realised: Eurovision is the cosa nostra

Oh, that's all we need: As if Terry Wogan wasn't paranoid enough without Ani Lorak, this year's Ukranian entrant into Eurovision, cheerfully admitting that the votes are based on fraternal ties rather than quality of music:

As the interview progressed, talk fell on the subject of the infamous voting system and how countries tended to vote for their neighbours. Her reply was short and sweet: "How can you not vote for family?"

Of course, it's not all bad - after all, without the family votes from Ireland, Britain would normally be looking at a final score somewhere between nul and the minuses.

Lorak is Ukraine's answer to Geri Halliwell, having had a role as UN ambassador for HIV AIDS:

"Having previously been unaware of the problem of HIV and AIDS in the Ukraine I took on the task with honour. After all, if a person with HIV smiles at you, there is no reason to fire them from their job... Serving as an ambassador has taught me so much," she said.

I might be slightly alarmist, but if you're choosing someone to be ambassador for HIV awareness, wouldn't it be better to start with someone who already knows that Aids doesn't get spread by smiling, or is a justifiable reason for firing someone?

France chooses Tellier, Punk for Eurovision

Ireland is sending a Turkey. The UK is sending another sort of turkey. But France? France is sending Sebastian Tellier, with a track produced by Guy-Manuel de Homem Christo from Daft Punk.

None of us will win, of course, but which nation will hold its head up highest on the Sunday morning. (Clue: not the one which has entered an X Factor loser.)

Well done, United Kingdom. That's going to be another year of five points if we're lucky.

You'd have hoped that the bemusing selection process for Song For Europe - sorry, Making Your Mind Up; sorry, Your Eurovision Decision - had been constructed to try and stop the voting public sending a lame donkey into the Eurovision finals this year. A first round of head-to-head matches (presumably inspired by Loaded's Crisps world cup) delivering three finalists, topped up with a single Wogan wildcard, and then the decision thrown across to the public phone vote during Casualty.

And yet we still end up with Andy Abraham beating out Michelle Gayle. Everyone looked surprised - not least Michelle Gayle, who sloped off through a shower of sparks. Of course, Gayle's song was a bit weakly delivered. In fact, it might have been better in the slightly more girl-group hands of The Revelations; the rocky delivery made the "woo woo woo" backings sound like feeding time in Battersea Dogs Home. But at least it sounded like a possible Eurovision winner. Maybe a 1980s winner, but a winner nevertheless.

Instead, for some reason, we're sending a mid-set song from a provincial wine bar act. Abraham only made it into the final because of the bloody Wogan wildcard. When you're sat in the commentary box, downing your fourth glass of the local liqueur and complaining that Latvia hasn't given us any points, remember whose fault it this year, Wogan.

Right-wing politician in 'no sense of humour' shock

Dana, the anti-abortionist singer, isn't amused by the Irish people choosing to send Dustin The Turkey to Eurovision. Having been sent to Europe herself by popular vote when she was an MEP, you'd think she'd have sympathy for the voice of the people when it's spoken, but instead, she pulls a sourpuss face:

"I just think it's making a mockery of the contest and if we think it's such a big joke then let's get out of it".

She added: "Certainly don't put a turkey in a trolley up against singers who are desperately trying to make a way in their career."

Making a mockery or Eurovision? Can you imagine such a thing? Clearly, the turkey act fails to appreciate that Eurovision is a serious-minded cultural event - as evidenced by previous winners like Hard Rock Hallelujah and Dana International's song.

You've got to be impressed with her desperate bid to try and make it seem like there's a serious issue at stake here - 'think about the struggling singers', as if bread is being stolen from their mouths by some people having a bit of fun with an event that's supposed to make people smile. It's not clear, by the way, why Dana believes that puppeters and the singer-doing-Dustin's-voice should be denied their chance to further their career.

Dana worries this might just prove to be the thin end of a wedge:

"The problem is they love puppets in Europe. If, God forbid he wins, we'll probably have more puppets than people in next year's Eurovision," she said.

Yes. The way that after Lordi won, every nation entered a heavy rock outfit in pantomime gear.

Ireland tells turkey "you're bootiful"

Last night, the good people of Ireland had a choice: Vote to send Dustin The Turkey to Eurovision, or listen to the earnest cries of 'proper' musicians and send someone who isn't a puppet.

The people of Ireland did the right thing.

Those Eurovision entries in full

As anonymous points out below, the shortlist of entries for this year's Song For EuropeMaking Your Mind Up has been announced today - quashing, at least, this morning's stories about the possibility of Ziggy and/or Chanelle having a crack.

Although they don't sound so bad now. First out the traps, Fresh (Or is it Fly?) from Fresh N Fly:

Michelle Gayle - Woo (U Got Me)
Michelle Gayle is probably best known for her role as Hattie Tavernier in EastEnders which helped launch her successful assault onto the British charts in the Nineties. Michelle has had a string of Top Ten UK hits including Sweetness, Do You Know and Things Are Looking Up.

Michelle's song, Woo (you got me) is pop in essence, but she says it has very cool Sixties vibe to it. According to Michelle, the song is about a couple who are from different countries, so have a language barrier – they are literally lost in translation.

So, someone who loved singing so much, she became an actress. We're not sure anyone who thinks that "a cool sixties vibe" is different from being "pop" really should be entering a singing contest. And 'Woo You Got Me' - it hardly suggests the couple are going to have too many in the way of problems translating that.

It does put us in mind of an old joke, though. Bloke comes back from holiday, and his mate asks him how it was. "Oh, brilliant. I met a wonderful Swedish girl." His mate is surprised, not knowing he spoke any Swedish. "I don't, and she didn't speak any English, but she came up to me and drew a picture of a glass. So I realised she wanted to go for a drink with me. Then later, she drew a picture of a knife and fork - because she wanted to have a meal with me. After that, she drew a picture of a bed. How she knew I was a carpenter, I'll never know..."

Andy Abraham - Even If

Former X Factor finalist Andy is currently writing his third album after winning over the nation with his soulful sound.

His Eurovision entry, Even If, is a funky ballad about a man who has found genuine love and wants to show his commitment. Andy believes his song is catchy, memorable and cool enough to be a winner.

Obviously, Abraham hasn't been that effective at winning the nation over if he didn't win the X Factor and has managed to release a follow-up album without anyone much noticing. A funky ballad, eh? Isn't that slightly contradictory?

LoveShy - Mr Gorgeous

Twenty-two-year-old Aimee Kearsley and 24-year-old Emma Beard are the lively popstrels that make up LoveShy. With five years experience in the business as part of girl band Clea, they think a loud and catchy song is the way to win Eurovision.

Their entry, Mr Gorgeous, is a stylish pop song about meeting the perfect guy and wanting to spend all your time with him. LoveShy say that Mr Gorgeous is less of a love song and more of a lust song!

Clea? Another bloody Cowell-related act, then. Shouldn't there be a rule that we won't send a band to Europe if they've already failed in a public vote? Clea's "experience" amounts to having managed ten weeks on the singles chart with five singles, one of which never made it; they never cracked the top 20. Hardly suggests that they can find the public g-spot over a three-minute dash. And the whole concept of the track sounds like a diet Coke advert.

The Revelations - It's You

The Revelations consists of Annika Magnberg, 24, Louise Masters, 24, and Sarah Vitorino, 22. Their classic soulful pop music is influenced by Sixties girl groups such as The Supremes, along with more contemporary influences like the Scissor Sisters.

The Revelations' song, It's You, is an upbeat and original modern motown song celebrating love and how good it feels. The girls think It's You has all the right ingredients of a winning some because it's a good tune with fantastic harmonies.

We're throwing our weight behind this bunch - they're like a proper band and everything, off Fierce Panda records, and formed via an ad in the NME. Which is reason enough to support them. If the track's any good, we might make a banner.

They won't win, of course.

Rob McVeigh - I Owe It All To You

Twenty-four-year-old Rob hit our screens last year as one of the final 12 Josephs in Any Dream Will Do. "Rob the Builder", as he became known, had no idea a year ago that he was about to be launched into a full-time career as a singer – let alone be up for representing the UK in Eurovision.

Rob's song, I Owe It All to You is a big ballad that Rob hopes will show his vulnerable side by being in such contrast to the rock songs he sang in Any Dream Will Do. Rob thinks that recent entries have lacked passion – something his has plenty of, for the song, his country and his love of performing.

Aaaand we're back to the also-rans in karaoke contests. We don't remember which one was Rob - despite the attempt to suggest he might have had a personality.

Simona Armstrong - Changes

Born and raised in Romania, Simona Armstrong was one of Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber's final ten from the hit BBC One series How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria? Sadly Simona didn't make it as Maria, but she is delighted to be taking part in Eurovision where the competition is taken very seriously in her native homeland.

Simona's song Changes she feels has a universal appeal as it's about keeping positive and adapting to the challenges and changes of every day life. She hopes that if she makes it through to the competition in Belgrade this year that Romania will give the UK douze points!

Good lord - one Eastender, two Lloyd-Webbers, two Cowells and a proper band. We don't remember which one Simona was on Maria, either, but if she turns her back on us and we all join in So Long, Farewell, we might remember.

So: hope for the best, but prepare for the very, very worst.

Alright, at least there's no Paul Medford.

When worlds collide: Ziggy and Chanelle

When we first heard that Ziggy and Chanelle are limbering up for a run at Eurovision, we thought the idea was for them to do it together. We could just about see that - a marvellous, campy, sniping-at-each-other, Anything You Could Briefly Do I Can Do Better type affair. Obviously, since in the UK they can barely manage a downpage in the middle of New! magazine, the whole thing would be spectacularly pointless beyond Dover, but at least it would have some coherence.

But it turns out they're planning two separate tries. Chanelle has, at least, convinced her mother:

"Chanelle’s very good at music. She’s an A* student and plays the violin at Grade Seven. She is always singing at home."

Even that, actually, sounds more convincing than Ziggy's pedigree:

He sang with the group Northern Line between 1998-2000 and had three top 40 hits.

... which nobody alive can remember.

[Once again, thanks to Michael M]

Turkey to be Ireland's Eurovision entry

It's either an act of bravado, or - ahem - simply giving Eurovision the bird, but Ireland looks intent on sending a singing turkey to this year's Eurovision. An actual puppet on a string.

A delightful piece of whimsy for a knockabout competition, you might think. Not, apparently, if you're a songwriter in Ireland. To them, it's as welcome as a turkey twizzler in a health farm:

Frank McNamara, who wrote two Eurovision winners, asked whether RTE, the state broadcaster that selected the six acts, was “giving two fingers” to Irish songwriters. “I think it is absolutely disgraceful,” he said.

Shay Healy, who wrote Johnny Logan’s Eurovision hit What’s Another Year?, wondered “how any bunch of grown-ups could come up with this as a solution”. And Phil Coulter thought that Eurovision was going “down the tubes”.

Some observers might wonder if there's very much distance between Johnny Logan and a turkey puppet. The anger of the songwriter might be less about Eurovision and more because Dustin The Turkey's records tend to be more popular than the music they write. After all, it's not like RTE are sending Scooch, is it?

Austria pulls out of Europe

In a protest at the new rules run up by the Eurovision managers, Austria has decided to withdraw:

According to Edgar Bohm, entertainment head for the Austrian public broadcaster, there are still too many open questions regarding the two semi-finals in 2008 for ORF to commit now to sending an entry.

"We must send our application to the Eurovision Song Contest 2008 right now, but at this time important points ... have not been clarified," Bohm said.

ORF programme director [Wolfgang Lorenz] has gone on record saying, "As long as the the Song Contest is a political parade ground and not an international entertainment programme, ORF has no desire to send more talent out of Austria to a competition where they have no chances."

Given that, apart from Norway, nobody's flunked as often as Austria, we'd imagine it's going to be a very long time before we see an entry from Vienna being belittled by a slightly tiddly Terry Wogan.

Euro-revision

It won't shut Terry Wogan up, of course, but the organisers of Eurovision are attempting to shuffle the rules to prevent the dominance of the Eastern nations becoming a perpetuating theme of the event.

The automatic entry into the next year's final which has previously been handed to the ten best-placed competitors is now only going to be gifted to the winner; in future, everyone beside the reigning champions will have to compete in one of two semi-finals.

Well, we say "everyone" - obviously, Britain, Germany, France and Spain will be automatically let into the finals because they fund the contest. And, certainly, Britain would never stand a chance of getting into the finals if they weren't given a bye; making them compete in a qualifier would be like throwing a kitten into a chipping machine.

There's also going to be a place in the finals which will be in the gift of the judges under a rule which we're assuming is designed to make it worth Israel continuing to turn up.

We're not quite sure that this is going to help - the organisers seem to suggest that breaking up the Balkan and former Soviet states in two semi-finals might result in a more mixed line-up in the finals, but surely it just means the block vote will operate in the same way in two semis instead of one?

And, since nobody cares about the semis anyway, is this really going to stop any block voting in the final? If the two semi-final system means there are fewer Eastern nations in the big contest, doesn't that just mean that any block vote would be more tightly targeted? And, of course, all this assumes that there is block voting taking place, and not the more likely possibility that nations which share a border might share a taste for the same sort of music.

Still, with the finals now featuring [winner of the last final] + [four rich nations] + [nine winners from semi-final A] + [nine winners from semi-final B] + [random team picked up judges], you've got to admire the Eurovision's attempts to create the most complicated system possible.