THAT'S WHY MUM HAS GONE TO LIDL

It turns out that being in Atomic Kitten, briefly, isn't the cash cow you might have thought. Indeed, Kerry Katona is broke:

But she has been forced to ditch her lavish lifestyle after running out of cash.

Yeah, you thought that party catered from Iceland and constant nights out at Cinderella Rockerfellers in Warrington was a little too lavish a lifestyle, didn't you?

But there's more:

I’m A Celebrity star and Loose Women presenter Kerry, who once lived in a £1.75million Dublin mansion with Brian, chose a budget Best Western Hotel for her second engagement.

We don't know what the expenses are like at the Sun, but the Best Western is a three-star hotel. Okay, you might not bump into Beyonce in the lifts, but it's clean.

And she ignored fire regulations to save money by cramming 200 friends and family into a suite designed to hold 80.

What's perhaps surprising here is that Katona - who, we're routinely told by the tabloids is hated by everyone - could find 200 people who'd want to celebrate her engagement.

music kerry katona atomic kitten

LEFT OUTSIDE ALONE

Now, that's taking the bodyguarding to extremes: Wayne Newton was bodyguarding Anastacia during her European tour.

Now, he's dating her.

No, not that Wayne Newton.

A spokesman for Anastacia, whose hits include I'm Outta Love and Left Outside Alone, said: "Anastacia makes a point of never discussing her private life or relationships."

It's just like that movie, The Bodyguard. That had an irritating singer in it, too.

music anastacia

IF THIS IS HISTORY, WHY CAN'T I EVEN REMEMBER WHERE I AM WHEN IT'S HAPPENING?

Maybe we're just getting old and cynical and thinking about the purchase of elasticated waistbands, but is the whole hoo-hah about Gnarls Barkley getting to number one on downloads alone about as exciting as this weekend's other big event, the Boat Race?

Just as the Boat Race is of prime importance to about seven people, but if you happened to be by the river when it was happening you might go and have a look, this feels like something which would be more surprising if it wasn't happening. And it would be happening more often if the charts were based on what was selling, rather than what was selling, according to a bunch of rules drawn up to keep the larger labels happy.

What will be interesting is when the chart commisars are forced to abandon the link between singles and physical items altogether - that will be the day for the historians to make a little note.

This is an "Oxford wins" story; it's being reported as if it was a "Brunel wins".

music gnarls barkley

BONO ISN'T HAPPY

It's hilarious the way that Bono will, from time to time, tick off a minor politico for using him in their election campaign - especially when it looks like they're in trouble already.

So the Greatest Living Bonoman has sent an open letter to Silvio Berlusconi, accusing him of "exploiting" Bono's image:

In the letter, which was translated into Italian and published on the front page of the Corriere della Sera daily on Sunday, Bono said: "Mr Berlusconi, as flattered as I can be of appearing in your brochure, I also feel a bit exploited."

Bono also said he recalled a conversation with Mr Berlusconi during which the prime minister committed himself to implementing a G8 decision to cancel the debt of poor countries.

He said Italy would have to more than double its aid by 2010 to honour its commitment.

Bono added: "If your commitment is real and your signature is trustworthy, then the world wants to know how Italy intends to reach this target.

"For now you haven't offered any explanation, even though luckily there is still some time."

Berlusconi is widely believed to be coming to the end of his time in control in Rome, which is probably why Bono is happy to publicly have a go at him - you'll recall the only other time Bono has told off one of his chums in the media was when Paul Martin was struggling badly in the opinion polls before the Canadian election.

Intrestingly, Bono's private DATA organization is dropping flattering hints about how the new Canadian Tory government could expect to be lauded by Mr. Bono if it boosts the country's foreigm aid.

When there's this sort of offer on the table, what exactly does Bono think he's offering?

Does he think the Canadian Premier, Stephen Harper, is going to redirect his funds out of belief? Clearly not, because if he had the conviction such a move was neccesary, he'd do it without a call from Bono.

Does he think that a quiet meeting with Bono, away from the eyes of the world, is what's required?

Or could it be that Bono is using his presence, his circus rolling into town, his few minutes in front of CNN playing with Harper and swapping glasses, his little bit of showbiz glitter, to buy influence?

And, since that's what Bono is working with, the chance to say publicly "look! Bono loves me!", why does Bono come across all hissy when someone cashes in those chips?

And why is it that Bono only complains when the former friend is in the last throws of their presidency, or premiership? Why is Bono not bothered by the US State Department trumpeting that Rock Star Bono Applauds Bush Efforts to Aid Africa - Cites AIDS funding, anti-corruption element of Millennium Challenge Account?

music bono u2 Silvio Berlusconi

YOU, YOU TUBE AND THE MUSIC

There was some sad news from over at YouTube this week, with an inevitable attempt to try and stave off cease and desist orders from copyright holders in the form of a cap on video uploads to ten minutes maximum. Of course, erm, nothing less than ten minutes would be copyrighted at all.

Of course, the real strength of YouTube (and, we suspect, this might be our perspective only) is in the little bits and pieces anyway, mostly stuff that people have sitting around on degrading VHS tapes that they're taking the time to upload to the internet. Yes, much of it is probably copyrighted, but since nobody is offering sell-through videos of bands appearing on half-forgotten Saturday morning Kids TV shows, it's hard to see who's losing out here.

So hurrahs for people like the myseterious pajamapants, who is sharing his VHS collection with us in bite-sized chunks. Just added, for example, is Louise Wener doing Life's A Gas on TFI Friday. We never saw much of TFI when it was on because, frankly, there was no choice to be made between the BaaBar's tappas and two for one on white cider on one hand, and Chris Evans labouring under the misapprehension he had the powers of Napoleon and the wit of Sam Goldwyn on the other.

Indeed, the ten minute cap means nobody would be able to upload entire TFIs even if they wanted to. For once, copyright law might be working in our favour.

music chris evans youtube sleeper louise wener

NOT PLAYING ANY BOGSHED TONIGHT, JOHN?

It can't have failed to be noticed even by Bobby Gillespie that you can subtract a round number from 2006 and get 86, which means - in any sort of decent world - the NME would be about to produce its 20th anniversary of C-86 edition. It won't, of course, although it's the only music scene that the paper can be proven, scientifically, to have created all on its own. Oh, no, we'll get the seventy-ninth anniversary of punk celebrated with another special issue ("and then... they said 'nadgers', on tea-time television. Dressed as Nazis! Oh, you must think us quite giddy...") but you try pitching a 'Where are The Shrubs now' special, you see how short the shrift you get is.

Luckily, the superior shapeshifters at TV Cream are keeping the light aloft: the latest cream up can be printed out and, if neccesary, used as celebratory tea-towel of the occasion.

There are many words on the internet, but you've got to read anything which includes the phrase "we'd mention how Therese now reminds us of Kitchens Of Distinction, but this bit's already lost enough readers."

Of course, it would be wrong, both morally and phonetically, to not mention Indie Mp3 at this point. "Keeping C-86 alive" is its proud boast, and one it lives up to.

music c86

THE SUNDAY PETE-HOLE

It wouldn't be a weekend without someone reporting back from the end of the world, and it falls to the People to bring us the latest news of Pete Doherty's collapse from bright young thing to selfish horrorsack.

Driving like a dick on methadone.

The paper's got a witness:

"I saw Pete go into the chemist's and there was a definite change in his behaviour after he came out.

"He is an absolute menace. How he has still got his licence is beyond me."

But the onlooker added: "I don't think he was so out of it that he didn't know what he was doing. When he spotted two police officers on horseback he calmed down and drove properly before going back to being a madman."

music pete doherty babyshambles

COURTNEY: WANT THAT ONE

Still, erm, dripping from Steve Coogan, Courtney Love is now taking breakfast with David Walliams, out of Attachments. Does she think UK TV G2 is the porn channel or something?

To be fair to Courtney, though, it sounds like Walliams is making most of the running:

"Courtney loves Little Britain and was thrilled to meet the guys. They got on really well and they were all laughing and joking after a few drinks together. She seemed especially taken with David. They swapped numbers and went their separate ways, but he has been trying to get in touch with her ever since."

How do we know this? A source, dear boy, a source.

music courtney love david walliams little britain

THIS WEEK JUST GONE

The ten most peeked at stand-alone news stories on No Rock this week (betting without the weekly round-ups):

1. Naked, and with her arse in the air, Britney is pressganged into the anti-abortion campaign
2. Yes, but is KT Tunstall a lesbian, or what?
3. Kelly Osbourne turns into her mother
4. Britney and Avril fell out twenty-three months ago
5. Douglas Coupland meets Morrissey: What the pop papers say
6. James Blunt has his royalties frozen
7. Classic Rock choose the 100 best UK albums
8. Nikki Sudden dies
9. Sting gets into the sex industry
10. Kate and Pete, hiding in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G

A long hard, scroll: every post from this week on one page
A single step: Last week, condensed like this

And, if you were looking for a gift to shower down on the head of Condi Rice, you could have done a lot worse than buy one of these:


If you haf no Hefner, here'es a good starting point. If you do, here's a fine distillation

At last! Be Your Own Pet!

Best of from Japan, Duran Duran's cousins from the Polytechnic

Sioxsie's Kaleidescope gets a new twist

Pop thrills from Alexis Strum, Kylie/Rachel Stevens songwriter

Not all punks end up as sideshows - fourth(ish) album from The Adverts' TV Smith

Sukpatch - drug-induced Spaceman3-meets-the-Butthole Sufers loopage

The Revolutionary Corps of Teenage Jesus take Brooklyn

Kill Laura/Misty Dixon's Jane Weaver does her summer dress solo thing

Lindsay-Threlfall-Ellis nightwatchmen unset-com from 1990

"Steve Strange's home movies from Egypt with a Visage soundtrack" says a review, like that's a bad thing

Apparently Wendy O'Williams' first ever DVD

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE

There are very few people who can really look at Britney Spears hanging about with mouthagape husband Federline and think "that should have been me." Justin Timberlake, though, did once have the opportunity, and he blew it. So perhaps his of Federline is coloured a little:

“He thinks Kevin is gross, and there’s not much that would change his mind about that,” a source told the tab. “He says that they [Spears and Timberlake] had a lot of great years together, and he’s pretty sad at how things turned out for her.”

No, that seems balanced and fair enough. But also slightly deluded - "a lot of great years together"? Sure, quite a few decent weekends, maybe even a lot of great pizzas... but a lot of great years is surely a stretch?

music britney spears kevin federline justin timberlake

HARD-LA

Well, this is going to be hard to take - it's like the bad old days of the brain drain, when Britain's well-educated elite would quit the country as soon as they got a sniff of interest from anywhere abroad. It doesn't happen now, of course, because the poor state of the university network in the UK coupled with the crippling cost of tuition fees means we don't really turn out anyone who many countries are interested in. Although apparently Andorra has been sniffing round third year semiotics course students at the University of Luton.

Still, they want to get their hands on our lovely music, and - because they don;t want to be flying "back and forth across the Atlantic", Hard-Fi have elected to relocate to LA while they concentrate on breaking the US.

Presumably nobody has told them that living on the West Coast means that they'll, erm, be constantly flying backwards and forwards to the East side for TV appearances and so on.

music hard fi

IN EVERY DREAR HOUSE, A COLDPLAY

The IFPI has issued its annual report on how music sales did last year - a three per cent dip in total sales combined, but assess saved by a trippling in digital sales (worldwide, accounting for at least £633 million going into record company coffers - and remember, they're turning a much higher rate of profit on those sales).

John Kennedy explains the three per cent drop:

"Physical music sales declined again for a combination of reasons, including digital and physical piracy, competition from other entertainment products and the shift in consumer spending to online and mobile."

Interestingly, he doesn't consider the other, more compelling reasons - that physical music formats are overpriced; that record companies are focusing on releasing stuff that people don't want; that record shops are closing down all over the place because the labels have been happy to co-operate with chain stores and focusing on a limited number of titles which makes it difficult for people to impulse buy anything other than a very few records, most of which are shit and so on. Indeed, as with every bloody year, we're told that the major labels troubles are due to factors completely beyond their control.

The world's biggest-selling records (IFPI's perspective only) were 50 Cent's The massacre (7.5 million copies); Mariah Carey's The Emancipation of Mimi (7.7) and Coldplay. A staggering 8.3 million copies of X&Y were sold last year. Chances are someone you know bought one. Possibly even someone you like. Maybe even your own parents. How does that make you feel, eh?

music coldplay 50 cent mariah carey

TOP-LEVEL TICKET TOUTING

"But it's for charity" wailed everyone at the not-entirely-surprising news that someone was trying to scalp tickets for some sort of pro-UNICEF night with Victoria and David Beckham. Somebody had got hold of tickets, and was selling them on for some ridiculous ammount like £23,500.

London-based Dave [West], 61, bought the tickets in good faith thinking the cash was going to a worthy cause.

But after hearing of Thursfield's sacking he said: "It's disgraceful that someone should try to abuse the Beckhams, UNICEF and other charities in this way."

The sell-off was completely against the spirit of the movie-themed party to raise money for the United Nations Children's Fund - for which Becks is a goodwill ambassador.

But is it really against the spirit of the event (apparently, Tom Cruise and Madonna are going to be there - only a Rev Moon away from the full set, of course)? It's a lavish event in which people will be competing to show off how rich they are salving their consciences that the conspicuousness of their consumption is okay because it's all going to channel some money to starving people. Selling the tickets on for a profit isn't depriving UNICEF of any money - they've got the cover price - so what, exactly, is the problem with someone paying over the odds to get into what is effectively a PR stunt for the attendees?

The agency which sold the tickets to the smugfest, Bluefish UK, has sacked its managing director John Thursfield. Presumably, it's also sending its mark-up to charity.

David and Victoria can hardly contain their delight at this making the papers:

Posh and Becks said in a statement: "We are very grateful to the Mirror for bringing this to our attention."

Is that it? Not any offer of a muffin basket to say thank you or anything?

music victoria beckham david beckham unicef

BURNS' TROUBLES CONTINUE TO SPIN UPWARDS

After the "police called to Burns flat" story comes, sadly and inevitably, police called to Burns flat and arrest him.

Locksmiths were apparently at his place, changing the locks, when another row flared up. Someone tried to jump out of a window; the cops came and it all ended up with Pete being carted off on "suspicion of assault."

music pete burns

ROBBIE WILLIAMS IS NOT A WATER NYMPH

In order to give Robbie Williams some sort of presence at the Take That reunion, he's going to appear as a giant, soggy cypher cascading down some rubber curtains. Or something. It's a "spectacular backdrop" for the stage, apparently.

If it was us, we'd get that bloke who turns up as an Elton john lookalike to do Robbie's bits. It'd make us laugh, otherwise.

music take that robbie williams

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING FORWARD DOESN'T MEAN I'M GOING BACKWARDS

A week ago yesterday, Billy Bragg (who seems to have got his spark back of late), played the Somerville Theatre. You were there, sort of, thanks to Bradley's Almanac.

music billy bragg

SHAKIRA DREAMS

Last night, we dreamed we went to Eurovision in Slovakia, and Terry Wogan wasn't commentating because he'd got drunk. The official line was he was ill; he was sat in an aisle looking very sorry for himself. We cheered him up by saying he could a commentary for the DVD release. Oddly, none of this happened today. But then, we're not Shakira, who has her dreams come true:

"This is the truth, so hear me out," Shakira said. "I don't want you to think I'm esoteric or metaphysical, because I'm not superstitious, but I dreamt about Wyclef one night before he and I actually met."

Now they have recorded a single together. In our dream, Ray Moore had to fill in for Terry. Can't see that happening, somehow.

music shakira

A GOOD TIME TO SEND ROSES

Worrying news from Nashville: George Jones is in hospital with pneumonia. He's expected to make a full recovery, but live shows are being put on hold while he gets treatment.

music rock sick list george jones

FORGER FLOGGED (WELL, FINED)

Although efestivals are headling their story about the conviction of someone selling dodgy wristbands outside the V Festival one in the eye for a tout, Spencer Cottol wasn't actually a tout. Touts sell genuine tickets for inflated prices, whereas what Cottol did was sell fake wristbands for the Chelmsford leg of the festival. The key difference, of course, is that someone buying a forged wristband might not get in and, if they do, represents a health and safety risk by pushing the festival over its capacity; someone who buys from a tout has just paid over the odds.

V festival's head Bob Angus issued a statement:

"We do not approve of the production of fake wristbands."

I'm glad we cleared that up. We're not sure, though, if they do approve of people pulling on a Chinese dragon costume and sneaking sixteen pairs of legs in using just one ticket, or simply burrowing their way into the festival compound using an Acme Burrowing Machine. We imagine they'll still be having meetings to decide a policy on those.

music v festivals

BUSTA RHYMES UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND GAY MEN

Busta Rhymes - despite having a name like a drag act - turns out to be more than a little homphobic, according to a story in the New York Daily News. Rhymes was in Miami for the winter music festival when he noticed he was eating in a restaurant next door to a gay club:

"The restaurant was packed with transvestites, gay men and drag queens, which obviously made Busta a little edgy. "This became evident when a young gay fan came up behind Busta and tapped him on the shoulder to congratulate the rapper on his recent comeback. Before the guy could even mutter a word, Busta turned around and repeatedly screamed, 'Why the fuck you touchin' me, man? Get the fuck away from me' . . . his two huge bodyguards then caused an even larger scene by pushing the kid away . . . Busta quietly whispered to his bodyguards, 'I hate fucking faggots, man.'" Busta's spokeswoman didn't return calls.

Obviously, he couldn't have whispered it very quietly as Thomas Barker, the NYDN's eyewitness, heard.

It's a pity he doesn't like gays, though, considering he goes to such lengths to create clone-friendly photoshoots, isn't it?

In other news, Rhymes has also been accused of smashing a bottle over the head of David Mays, the founder of Source magazine.

When queried about the brawl, Mays replied "I ain't talking about that." Busta's representatives had not issued any comments at press time.

You can see why people choose to retire to Florida, can't you?

music busta rhymes

GENNARO CASTALDO WATCH: Eject, eject

Gennaro Castaldo has been a bit of a busy chap this week - popping up in the Mirror to read last rites for the VHS:

HMV only sells videos in its 30 biggest music stores after a shake-up earlier this year.

Spokesman Gennaro Castaldo said distributors were just releasing childrens' films and fitness shows on VHS. He said: "The suppliers are phasing it out. Later this year videos will be 99.9 per cent dead." The video revolution began in the early 1980s in a battle between VHS and Betamax to become the established system.

That's Gennaro, who is quite happy with "mostly dead" as a concept. Schrodinger, you never thought of the 99.9% dead cat, did you?

But while he's marking the end of one format, he's quivering with excitement at newer ones:

"There`s every chance Crazy will top the singles charts this week purely on the amount of downloads sold.

"This would not only represent a watershed in how the charts are compiled, but would show that legal downloads have come of age."

"Downloads have given the singles market a massive boost and retailers such as HMV are now selling more and more through their digital music services."

Retailers such as, ooh, HMV, for example.

But Gennaro wasn't done yet, oh no. He also had something to say about the selection of Embrace as offical song. Now, by GG's standards, this sounds a little bit sceptical:

As far as I know they have not even written it yet. I suppose the there is always the danger they will come up with a turkey but the band are a good choice and are on a real high at the moment.

"They will have been given a brief to write the sort of song that captures the imagination of the whole country. If they do that it will shift hundreds of thousands of copies, become a huge number one and probably sell more singles this year than any other song.

"Embrace have a title so they will have a good idea of what they want it to sound like. I expect an anthem to that everyone will be chanting during the World Cup. The FA will want the whole British public chanting it come June."

Mr Castaldo said: "England songs of the past have a pretty good record for hits. Embrace will have a hard job matching the success of great songs of the past like World in Motion.

"Embrace are a cool, credible indie pop band and they are certainly an interesting choice. Even though single sales are dropping I think everyone will want a copy of this."

Hang about, Gennaro... single sales are dropping? But a couple of moments ago, singles sales were being given a tremendous boost by downloads. Which is it, man?

And, of course, Gennaro had something to say about the tiresome Mike Flowers version of the Radio 4 UK theme:

And retailers say it could be heading for the top 10 after HMV's online store received well over 1,000 pre-orders last week alone - more than any other new release.

"It may not be enough to get it to number one, but there's clearly enough interest from Radio 4 fans for it to make the top 20 chart and perhaps even push it into the top 10," said HMV's Gennaro Castaldo.

But is the record being bought by Radio 4 fans, or just dull, harping critics of the BBC who seem to think that the axing of a tune probably less than one in a thousand have ever heard is some sort of symptom of just how communist the BBC are?

It's a canny enough tune, and even although we're so sentimental we miss "This is London" and Tum-te-te-tum-da-da-da-da-da-daaa on the World Service, hearing the UK Theme was always a sign you were up too early.

We wonder, for example, if JMB of Political Muscle could convincingly explain how it is "a PC blunder" and "politically correct" to drop the theme? Or if it really is a "symbol of Britishness" in the way Blogging The Beeb would have you believe. We seriously doubt if one in ten of the people who are suggesting the dumping of the theme is tantamount to pissing on the Queen's duvet and burning Prince Harry's Union Jack underpants had even heard of the music before it was axed.

There is a lot that is interesting to be said about the theme. Gennaro Catsaldo managed to miss it all.

music gennaro castaldo radio 4 UK embrace

HAPPY BIRTHDAY APPLE

Apple turns thirty with another one of its periodic battles with the Beatles. The nearly-impoverished Beatles have hauled Apple into court claiming the iPod and iTunes breaks a 1989 agreement to, erm, not distribute music on physical media such as compact discs.

You'd think that someone at the Beatles would understand that the whole point about digital downloads are, erm, they're not physical media.

It's hard to see why The Beatles are wasting their time on this (their money, of course, they have so much of, frittering it away on lawyers is not a problem for them.) Nobody thinks that iTunes is anything to do with them. They would be hard pressed to find any evidence that anyone assumes Steve Jobs is behind their back catalogue and a few Mary Hopkins records. They should just let it go.

Of course, it'll be interesting to see if Apple manages to be relaxed in the face of Barratt's horrible iPad concept. The homebuilder freely admits it's trying to ride on the back of iPod mania:

Barratt plans to build about 1,800 iPads in more than 40 towns and cities, including Coventry, Slough, Edinburgh and Reading. The iPad hopes to catch the tailwind of the iPod, Apple's popular digital music player. "We haven't cleared it with Apple, but we have registered the trademark," Mr Dearlove said. An Apple spokeswoman said she was unaware of the flats.

Since the key thing about iPods has always been how tiny they are, we're not sure invoking their name in the context of homes, especially ones which are hugely "compact and bijoux, Mostyn", is the wisest marketing move. (And at up to £125k for a piddly 380 square foot, their flats make the Nano seem cumbersome.)

music apple ipodthe beatles ipad

CLASSIC ROCK'S ALL-TIME ALBUM CHARTS OF ALL-TIME

Classic Rock - apparently roused in response to the NME's recent top 50 - have got a shadowy team of experts together to choose the top 100 UK albums of ever, ever.

Astonishingly, AC/DC have four entries in this chart, despite, erm, being Australian (don't bother firing up the comments, I know the Youngs might have been born in Scotland, but this really is a case of it's not where you're from, it's where you're at.) Even more interestingly, U2 come in with The Joshua Tree. At 100. It's not clear if the low placing is because the album is actually a load overstated bombastic nonesense, or simply because they know U2 aren't British and just couldn't think of any more albums so slipped it in at number 100 as it's sort of there.

Of course, when Muriel Gray once inadvertently described U2 as British on The Tube, she was sent a collage made out of used condoms which read "IRISH."

The top ten, then, would be:

10. Free - Fire & Water
9. The Rolling Stones - Exile On Main Street
8. Led Zeppelin - II
7. Led Zeppelin - Physical Graffiti
6. The Beatles - Abbey Road
5. David Bowie - The Rise & Fall Of Ziggy Stardust...
4. Sex Pistols - Never Mind The Bollocks...
3. Pink Floyd - Dark Side Of The Moon
2. The Who - Who's Next
1. Led Zeppelin - IV

The Sex Pistols? Snark.

music ac dc u2

THE DAILY FEEDER SPLIT DENIAL

You seldom get through the day without Grant Nicholas popping up to deny that Feeder are splitting up. It's a measure of how reassuring his words are that the following day, he'll have to do it all over again.

Today, Grant Nicholas is denying that Feeder are splitting up:

The stories that we are splitting are a load of rubbish. It's my fault because I said something in an interview to a not very bright radio DJ. I don't know why he twisted it around so much.

We basically said that the next full album would complete our six album contract with our label, Echo, who we've been signed to for 13 years. I said we'd either stay with Echo and sign a future deal or move on to a new label. He took that as the band splitting up, which is not the case at all."

Maybe he just thought that perhaps you should think about throwing it in. You know. Good advice.

music feeder grant nicholas

IT'S NOT EXACTLY THE THAT, IS IT?

Having organised time off from the milk round, East 17 are back, back... oh, you get the picture.

music east 17

ROBBIE WILLIAMS IS NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO SIT DOWN FOR A WEEK

The "look at us, we're playing soccerball" celebrity football match dur for next month is shaping up to be a lot of men growling at each other apparently unaware that they're not actually taking part in the World Cup.

Gordon Ramsay is attempting to psych opponent Robbie Williams out by threatening to "kick his arse".

No, no, not the arse.

music robbie williams gordon ramsay

TOO SMALL, YOU SAY?

It's bad enough she co-inflicted that godawful You're Beautiful on us, but Blunt's co-writer Amanda Ghost has now added a puzzle to the pain:

"I've heard all this stuff about him being a bit of a ladies man. But he's way too small for me, so I don't really get it. But he's a lovely guy."

Yeah, yeah, lovelyguyjustnotlookingforarelationship rightnow lovelyguyjustnotforme, enough with the wrapping up the brush-offs. What we want to know is: too small in what way, exactly?

music james blunt amanda ghost

KATE DROPS COMA LAWSUIT

Perhaps, ooh, we don't know, because of something that may have happened recently, Kate Moss has dropped her libel case against Channel Five.

Moss had been suing over the network's claims, broadcast in 2004, that she had fallen into a coma while on cocaine.

Part of Channel Five's defence was that the Babyshambles studio pictures showed that she was a regular user of cocaine; Moss had been faced with having to sign a legal statement confirming her claims that the pictures didn't show her using cocaine. Oddly, at this point, she threw in the towel.

music kate moss pete doherty babyshambles

MARY J: WHITNEY WON'T ALWAYS BE IN NAPPIES

Not perhaps quite getting how long Whitney has apparently been on crack, not how much she loves crack, Mary J "I used to like a drink, so that's similar, isn't it" Blige is convinced Houston will pull through:

“I’m saddened by the whole thing.

“Whitney is technically the best vocalist in the business.”

But Mary believes Whitney has the strength to make a charts comeback.

She said: “Whitney will come through. I have every faith that she will make a breakthrough. I’m just praying for her now.”

Yeah? So much for the power of your prayers, Mary: Whitney got evicted from a house she wasn't meant to be living in and now faces legal action because of the damage she and roomie Cherelle (blimey, there's a pop name from down the dumper) did to the place. (Presumably, this is where Whitney knocked the hole in the toilet wall to keep an eye on things.)

The curious thing here, though, is Fox News seems to be condemning its sister newsish operation, The Sun, for paying money to Tina Brown for jump-starting all these stories:

It doesn’t help that this week, Whitney was sold out by her sister-in-law, Tina Brown (not to be confused with the journalist Tina Brown). Tina’s brother is Houston’s often-arrested and imprisoned former pop star husband Bobby.

Tina sold the most salacious stories she could muster to "The National Enquirer" and the "UK Sun" tabloid, along with pictures that suggest a horrifying saga of Whitney’s drug abuse. Her take could be as high as $200,000. There has been some suggestion that Brown, needing cash, put her up to it.

We'd love to think this was going to be the start of internal battles in the Murdoch kingdom - we haven't had this much fun since Fox News and The Simpsons had a public fight over pretend news tickers. And the Simpsons parody of Fox's pretend news tickers.

music whitney houston cherelle fox news

CPS TO LOOK CLOSELY AT KATE MOSS PICTURES

Not the ones of her naked hugging a teddy bear; the Babyshambles studio pictures. It seems that Moss has refused to confirm the pictures of her snorting coke had any coke in them, so the Crown Prosecution Service are calling in experts to look at them in order to form part of the prosecution of the man they believe supplied the drugs (not Pete, in this instance.)

We're not sure why they don't just put Kate and Pete in the dock, under oath, and ask, which would surely be cheaper and a little more reliable?

music kate moss pete doherty babyshambles drugs