Keith Allen's daughter on the property ladder

Naturally, Keith Allen's daughter can't actually buy a house. Oh, no, she has to buy a £600k lovenest. Apparently, she's sharing it with Seb Chew, which we thought was a sweet a bit like Reisen, but turns out to be a man of some sort.

And, being Lily Allen, she's kept us all informed about the details:

"While I love handbags and shoes, I think it's more important to have a place to call home.

"I frantically looked at some places with my sister Sarah as she's been researching houses for the past few weeks. We found a house in Hackney that I immediately fell in love with. I put an offer in - and it was declined!"

Goodness. I do hope she does her own conveyancing and shares that in intimate details, too.

Apparently, buying a house is, erm, like buying a second-hand dress:

"Buying a house is like buying a dress in an over-priced vintage shop... except obviously there's more people in the equation and buying a dress doesn't come with a 25-year financial obligation! Anyway they finally accepted my offer and it's amazing. I'm so happy. I really feel like I've earned it.

"Keep your fingers crossed that I can move in soon."

We're not entirely sure that you have to have a full survey done on a dress, even in an over-priced vintage shop. Or to find out what the parking is like, or worry about the people who own the dresses next door. In fact, it's nothing alike, is it? Except, to be fair, you do have to worry if you'll fit in the thing, and hope that the smell of the person who had it before you doesn't hang about too long.

And yet you charged full price...

Matt Willis has shrugged off his weak chart performance - Crash didn't make the top 30 - as being, well, as important as the single:

"I'm not worried. It's not as though we actually tried."

Charming. Presumably Willis isn't embarrassed about sticking out half-arsed efforts, but it's a first for a singer to rub his few remaining fan's noses in the couldn't-be-bothered work they've been shelling out cash for.

Have one's man take that for one

In what promises to be the most It's A Royal Knockout moment of the entire Diana memorial concert, The Sunday People are claiming that William and Harry are going to join Take That onstage for a bit of a song and a dance.

It might not happen, though: after all, if the Palace intervened to stop Harry dying in the middle of Iraq, surely they'll also step in to stop him dying on his arse at Wembley?

Rav exclusively reveals exclusive exclusives, exclusively

Rav Singh, the "hottest showbiz reporter" in Britain, or certainly at the News of the World has got some hot, exclusive, piping news:

POP legend Sir Paul McCartney is secretly planning a blockbuster world tour.

Yes. He's got an album out. That's what, you know, pop stars do. Album, tour, album, tour.

Presumably next week Rav will break it that McCartney intends to release single tracks from the album, in an attempt to get into the pop charts. "My spies tell me that he intends to create a short film to promote the record."

Singh seems convinced the paper has something to do with the tour:

The ex-Beatle, 64, is set for a spectacular six months of gigs in Europe, USA and Japan next year to promote new album Memory Almost Full.

But it is only happening after the News of the World exclusively revealed Macca and Mucca, 39, had settled their divorce war for Bea's sake.

So are we to understand that McCartney wasn't aware that he was getting divorced until he read it in the papers?

Interestingly, after two weeks of solidly insisting that the Spice Girls are recording a secret reunion song, Singh makes no mention this week - not even of Mel C's firm insistence that it ain't going to happen:

There are no plans for a Spice Girls tour that I am aware of. I saw Emma and Geri a few weeks ago and of course we talk about the rumours and things that are going on, but it's the last thing on everybody's mind at the moment, so it's frustrating for me.

But then why should we believe Melanie? She's only in the band; she isn't, after all, Britain's hottest showbiz reporter.

This week just gone...

Seven days on No Rock and Roll Fun:

The ten most-read stories, roughly, were:

1. Beth Ditto naked on the NME cover: feminist statement or circus sideshow?
2. Lily Allen's seabed shuffle
3. R Kelly jury will watch sex video
4. McFly put their willies out in public
5. Heather Mills is no better than she ought to be
6. Amy Winehouse marries
7. Avril: "My tits aren't out on tits out cover"
8. Richard Fairbrass injured as Russian police arrest gay rights marchers
9. RIP: Rod Poole
10. Victoria Hart: George Clooney's Cannes "unknown" actually quite well known.

Also this week: Liam has paid for Noel to be blasted into space; Velocity Girl's Sarah Shannon resurfaced; CD Wow were fined for not ripping off British customers; Alex James revealed his brief time as Courtney Love's pompadour; bouncers beat up Laura from Blood Red Shoes at her own gig and the Mail on Sunday took out adverts to defend its Tubular Bells giveaway.

You can read the whole week on page or
browse the fortnight before that in a single post

Five years ago: Jeremy Vine was announced as Jimmy Young's replacement; Liquid News used a comedy sound effect to announce the death of DeeDee Ramone; the nme reported that the Gallagher brothers had been trying to interest TV networks in an Osbournes-style fly-on-the-wall series, but then went over the top about Fischerspooner; Alpinestars and Brian Molko tried to blame poor sales on the Queen's Golden Jubilee; Rock Stars of Love released a career-capping retrospective; The Face put the Prodigy on the cover (yes, only five years ago) while the Primals changed the name of Bomb The Pentagon to Rise because they didn't want to be put on a no-fly list (sorry, "be political")

This was this week's recommendations:


Balkan Beat Box: Dreadful name for a band, great mittel-Europa folk-meets-dancefloor music


Mark E Smith says the main difference between Von Sudenfed and The Fall is the Mouse on Mars guy don't respond to shouting


Hugely-belated UK release for Silversun Pickups' Carnavas


Northumberland pipe genius Kathryn Tickell returns with the first KTB album since 2004


Groove Armada's debut Northern Star gets a rerelease to mark its, um, ninth anniversary


PopMatters grumpily accuse Wheat's new album of "intentional obscurity", which seems high recommendation


Fiddle-centric ELO spin off Violinski collate the hit and, erm, some other stuff


Joanna Eden's My Open Eye - like taking a step from Feist in a jazz direction


Gypsy Creams & Ginger Nuts draws from Rediffusion's 1960s supermarket and airport muzak label's back catalogue


Do You Trust Your Friends seems to be Star's underrated Set Yourself On Fire from last year, only with less provocative marketing


We found the vinyl version of this in a charity shop ten years or more back - the highlight is Lee Hazelwood narrating the tale of making These Boots Are Made For Walking in lieu of a straight cover


The divine Sophie Ellis Bextor popped up plugging this on a German game show last weekend. Reason enough to buy it.


The Cribs' Mens Needs, Women's Needs didn't really need the oh-so-shocking video push


The Blue Aeroplanes return clutching a collection of covers from Harvest record's back catalogue

Yog cancels Prague after prang

The young people of Prague were, this evening, supposed to have been enjoying the music and showbiz stylings of George Michael. And, you know, sitting through the less good bits of his live show. It wasn't to be, though, as one of the vans carrying part of the stage had an accident in Romania and the special podium couldn't make it in time.

Is it just us, or is there something a little obscene about driving a stage halfway across Europe in the first place? Do they not have stages in Prague he could have used?

Still, let's hope the truck wasn't in collision with a car being driven by a drugged-up driver, although, of course, George doesn't believe that's breaking the law.

Embed and breakfast man: Creep

This does take a little while to turn into something interesting, so we'd suggest pausing it while it loads and whipping through to about one minute forty or so. It's Amanda from the Dresden Dolls playing Creep. On a bar. With ukulele accompaniment - it's what George Formby would have wanted...


[Via Brooklyn Vegan]

Bill Gates likes music

Apparently unconcerned that "We write the code which drives the software which allows Excel to add up on spreadsheets" isn't perhaps the coolest of backgrounds, Microsoft has created an initiative it's calling Ignition, which will promote a "new" band across the entire spread of Microsoft's activities. So the video will pop up on X-Box, it'll get streamed on MSN or Windows Live Live Windows or whatever it's called, there's to be some secret special stuff for the relatively tiny Zune market, Bill Gates will wear a band tshirt, that sort of thing.

Oddly, Maximo Park has been the first to sign up for the campaign; as part of the deal they've had to create locked-in content for Microsoft. It's supposedly offering them access to 30 million. That's a combined audience and will include people using XBox Live for gaming and checking email on MSN, so not really a totally useful guide to the size of crowd Maximo Park will be exposed to. We're also not sure if having a single month of ubiquity is going to charm more than it turns off.

Police: criticism from own ranks

Victoria Newton, oddly, managed to run a review of the Police's comeback gig under her own byline, despite it happening in Vancouver and her being in London. Perhaps that's how she was able to report that it was GRATE:

[A]n encore featuring Every Breath You Take finished their comeback in style.

Sting owned the stage and did son JOE SUMNER. whose band FICTION PLANE was the support act, very proud.

Meanwhile ANDY SUMMERS wowed fans with his guitar solos, and STEWART COPELAND proved he is still a great drummer . . . despite the dodgy headband.

... while someone who was there, Stewart Copeland in fact, didn't think they were up to much:

“Whenever you’re ready Mr. Copeland” says Charlie, the production manager, as two crew members hold aside the giant gong, creating just enough space for me to slither onto my percussion stage, which is still down in its pit. I leap on board but my foot catches something and I sprawl into the arena in a jumble as the little stage starts to rise into view. Never mind. The audience is screaming with anticipation as I collect myself in the dark and start to warm, up the gong with a few gentle taps. But I’m overdoing it. It’s resonating and reaching it’s crescendo before the stage has fully reached its position. Sort of like a premature ejaculation. There’s nothing for it so I take a big swing for the big hit. Problem is, I’m just fractionally too far away and the beater misses the sweet spot and the big pompous opening to the show is a damp squib. Never mind.

I stride manfully to my drums. Andy has started the opening guitar riff to MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE and the crowd is going nuts. Problem is, I missed hearing him start. Is he on the first time around or the second? I look over at Sting and he’s not much help, his cue is me – and I’m lost. Never mind. “Crack!” on the snare and I’m in, so Sting starts singing. Problem is, he heard my crack as two in the bar, but it was actually four – so we are half a bar out of sync with each other. Andy is in Idaho.

Well we are professionals so we soon get sorted, but the groove is eluding us. We crash through MESSAGE and then go strait into SYNCHRONICITY. But there is just something wrong. We just can’t get on the good foot. We shamble through the song and hit the big ending. Last night Sting did a big leap for the cut-off hit, and he makes the same move tonight, but he gets the footwork just a little bit wrong and doesn’t quite achieve lift-off. The mighty Sting momentarily looks like a petulant pansy instead of the god of rock. Never Mind. Next song is going to be great…

But it isn’t. We get to the end of the first verse and I snap into the chorus groove – and Sting doesn’t. He’s still in the verse. We’ll have to listen to the tapes tomorrow to see who screwed up, but we are so off kilter that Sting counts us in to begin the song again. This is ubeLIEVably lame. We are the mighty Police and we are totally at sea.

And so it goes, for song after song. All I can think about is how Dietmar is going to string us up. In rehearsal this afternoon we changed the keys of EVERY LITTLE THING and DON’T STAND SO CLOSE so needless to say Andy and Sting are now on-stage in front of twenty thousand fans playing avant-garde twelve-tone hodgepodges of both tunes. Lost, lost, lost. I also changed my part for DON’T STAND and it’s actually working quite well but there is a dissonant noise coming from my two colleagues. In WALKING/FOOTSTEPS, I worked out a cool rhythm change for the rock-a-billy guitar solo, but now I make a complete hash of it – by playing it in the wrong part of the song. It’s not sounding so cool.

It usually takes about four or five shows in a tour before you get to the disaster gig. But we’re The Police so we are a little ahead of schedule. It’s only the second show (not counting the fan gig – 4,000 people doesn’t count as a gig in the Police scale of things).

Perhaps it sounded so much better if you were a little off from the stage. Like Wapping.

Somethings to listen to: More Songs To Learn And Sing

Sweeping The Nation is reprising Songs To Learn And Sing, the micro-essay and mp3 festival, right through the month of June. They've got me out the way first, which means it's uphill from here...

Kelly Osbourne goes back home

And as Paris Hilton's music career evaporates, Kelly Osbourne goes back to the only thing that's ever worked for her: sShe's filming for a "reality" television series. With, for no apparent reason, Kimberley Stewart.

Hilton's music career: loose ends tied

Warner Music has confirmed that Paris Hilton's half-hearted attempt to use music to give something to define her other than having been created from the sperm of a rich man has been drawn to a quiet close:

A spokesman for the record label confirmed: "We are not expecting any new Paris Hilton material in the foreseeable future."

Still, it's a bit of a blow to the postproduction music video industry - they earned quarter of a million dollars, and she only made one promo. Nothing is totally without some suffering.

It was twenty years ago today...

... that John Walters pointed out that the twentieth anniversary of Sgt Pepper should really be celebrating the fortieth anniversary of the Lonely Hearts Club Band, which would have made yesterday the 60th, we suppose. Did we really hear during the Today newspaper review that one of the papers actually claimed to be "revealing" the Lucy from Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds. (The Times, apparently) to be Lucy O'Donnell. It wasn't about LSD at all - how can it be that we've thought that all these years, eh? Despite Lucy popping up every two or three years giving interviews about how a drawing of her by Julian Lennon being the inspiration for that song?

Actually, you know, we don't believe it for a minute - we know this is the official Beatleography line, and it chimes with Lennon's claims in Rolling Stone back in 1970 that he swore to God he didn't "realise" it spelled LSD. Yes, yes, there was a picture, but are you seriously trying to tell us that Lennon wasn't gurgling with delight at the coincidence?

Meanwhile, the Sun has "updated" the cover with what it claims are more contemporary versions of the faces on the sleeve. It actually starts out fairly well:

1. Indian mystic Sri Yukteswar Giri replaced by Buddhist leader the Dalai Lama.

2. Sinister occult leader Aleister Crowley replaced by Scientology founder L Ron Hubbard.

But then, either the paper is trying to signal desperately to its readers that we live in a decaying culture, where the taint of celebrity has debased everything it touches, or else they just don't have a clue, really:

3. Bawdy hellraising actress Mae West replaced by rehab hellraiser Lindsay Lohan.

4. Offensive stand-up Lenny Bruce replaced by edgy stand-up Ricky Gervais.

Ricky Gervais "edgy"? Perhaps in a culture where Lindsay Lohan is seen as a latter-day Mae West, but Lenny Bruce was repeatedly arrested for obscenity, banned from several cities, barred from nearly every nightclub in the United States, sentenced to four months in the workhouse because of his act. Ricky Gervais writes children's books and makes charity videos with Bono.

5. Pioneer of electronic classical music Karlheinz Stockhausen replaced by electro-wizard Moby.

We're sure even Moby would argue there's no equivalence here.

6. Comedian and actor WC Fields replaced by pint-sized funnyman Danny DeVito.

"I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers." versus "I think it was the seventh Limoncello that got me."

7. Founder of analytical psychology Carl Jung replaced by hypnotist Paul McKenna.

One man created a whole way of looking at the world and exploring the way our minds work; the other, a former Capital Radio dj who sells self-help tapes.

8. Dark crime writer Edgar Allan Poe replaced by darker crime writer Ian Rankin

This one's not a bad substitution.

9. Dancing movie legend Fred Astaire replaced by Dirty Dancing’s Patrick Swayze.

But Swayze made one movie about dancing twenty years ago - couldn't they have thought of another dancer? Like Wayne Sleep, maybe? Or perhaps Natasha Kaplinsky?

10. Leading artistic chronicler Richard Merkin replaced by graffiti commentator Banksy.

Maybe, although Banksy's field of reference is totally different - Julian Opie might have made a bit more sense, based on the Blur pictures in the NPG if nothing else.

11. Painting of air force icon Varga Girl replaced by Forces beauty Nell McAndrew.

That works, although it shows how far the concept of "forces sweetheart" has been watered down since the second world war - McAndrew's basically one step away from Force's Readers Wives.

12. Big-faced actor Huntz Hall replaced by big- faced actor Nicolas Cage.

13. Genius builder and designer Simon Rodia replaced by architect Sir Norman Foster.

Again, not bad choices, although we suspect Foster was the second answer shouted back when the newsroom was asked "does anyone know any architects?" (after "my brother-in-law had a good guy for his loft extension.")

14. Cutting-edge beat poet Bob Dylan replaced by a crustier but still cool Bob Dylan.

In other words, the picture researcher called back with an "are you sure there's even a man called Murray Lachlan Young?"

15. Fifth Beatle Stuart Sutcliffe replaced by fifth Arctic Monkey Andy Nicholson.

This is insulting to Sutcliffe, and completely fails to understand why he was there in the first place - I guess at least they didn't replace him with Bonehead. Dylan gets to stay, but the pretty Beatle doesn't? You could argue, if you had to swap him out, that Yoko should have taken his spot. But some chump from the Arctic Monkeys?

16. Controversial cartoonist Aubrey Beardsley becomes Simpsons creator Matt Groening.

Groening would have been the perfect man to replace Disney; really, though, this is where Banksy should have been stood.

17. Old mannequin replaced by Topshop mannequin.

If the Sun had any creativity left in its paper, they'd have put Kate Moss in here.

18. Police founder Robert Peel replaced by Sting, the founder of The Police.

That, frankly, is pathetic.

19. Drug-dabbling writer Aldous Huxley replaced by off-his-head writer Will Self.

20. Poet Dylan Thomas replaced by Irish rhymer Seamus Heaney.

"Irish rhymer", "drug-dabbling" - is anyone else getting the sense there aren't too many Eng Lit graduates working for the paper these days?

21. US screenwriter Terry Southern replaced by Goodfellas director Martin Scorsese.

22. Doo-wop singer Dion DiMucci replaced by R&B star Usher.

23. Comedy actor Tony Curtis replaced by funnyman Adam Sandler.

21 and 22 aren't bad suggestions; Usher could be any unfathomably popular American chart act, but their interchangeability is the point.

Adam Sandler as this age's Tony Curtis, though? Have we really sunk that low?

24. Cutting-edge artist Wallace Berman replaced by shark-pickler Damien Hirst.

25. Radio favourite Tommy Handley replaced by gobby radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles.

Yes, we have, haven't we?

26. Blonde bombshell Marilyn Monroe replaced by platinum starlet Scarlett Johannson

The Sun does tend to view all women with blonde hair as interchangeable; if they'd done this three weeks into Big Brother it would have been that woman who wants to be Victoria Beckham.

27. Drug-inspired writer William S Burroughs replaced by serial-caner author Irvine Welsh.

Addict, you fucking fools. Burroughs wasn't "ooh, I'll have a little bit of blow and see if I can come up with a poem", he was a drug addict.

28. Spectral yogi pin-up Sri Mahavatar Babaji replaced by Celeb BB pin-up Shilpa Shetty.

This is a little bit like replacing Pope Benedict with Claudi Schiffer because they're both German.

29. One half of comedy double act Stan Laurel replaced by Dec’s other half Ant McPartlin.

Oh, give me strength. Laurel and Hardy were international celebrities who made iconic comedy films. Ant presents light entertainment on ITV.

30. Painter of heroic figures Richard Lindner replaced by Spider-Man creator Stan Lee.

If Lindner had painted "heroic" figures in the sense of people embued with extrahuman strengths, you could see the thinking here. But Lindner's people are failures, toys and, above all, dislocated from society; they're not heroic in any real sense. Would it be unfair to assume someone scanned his Wikipedia entry to come up with this substitution? And wouldn't, say, Beryl Cook have been a more apposite stand-in; a different approach, but the same milieu?

31. Tubbier half of comedy double act Oliver Hardy becomes Ant’s pal Declan Donnelly.

After all, if Laurel and Hardy were busy, they wouldn't have called in Vernon Kay instead, would they?

32. Creator of the Communist Manifesto Karl Marx replaced by Cuban leader Fidel Castro.

David Cameron would at least have been funny. Osama Bin Laden might have been controversial. Vanessa Redgrave could have been an stage wink.

33. Time Machine author HG Wells replaced by 2001 creator Arthur C Clarke.

That's keeping it contemporary, boys. Although, erm, wasn't 2001 being created at the same time as Sgt Pepper?

34. Yoga guru Sri Parama-Hansa Yogananda replaced by yoga obsessive Madonna.

That's just absurd. Almost grotesque. Mad Lizzie has done more to promote well-being than Madonna, and we'd not even suggest her to stand here.

35. Desert hero Lawrence of Arabia replaced by Gulf War veteran Andy McNabb.

"There were many other lonely fighters to whom this self-regardent picture is not fair. It is still less fair, of course, like all war stories, to the un-named rank and file: who miss their share of the credit, as they must do, until they can write the despatches" versus "Suicide is the arsehole's way out".

36. Psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud replaced by Sun Agony Aunt Deidre Sanders.

If only Freud had restricted himself to reducing complex sexual anxieties to photos of women in their knickers, he might have managed to hang on to his seat.

37. Mannequin replaced by New Look mannequin.

No, they didn't use Lily Allen, either.

38. Pin-up cartoon of a Petty Girl replaced by cyberbabe Lara Croft.

39. Wise-cracking stage man Max Miller replaced by cheeky pop star Robbie Williams.

Max Miller was a hugely talented comedian with perfect comic timing. Here, maybe, you could have argued Ricky Gervais could have sat, albeit slightly uncomfortably. But to confuse comic ability with "sometimes wears a cap and gurns" is a travesty.

40. Another Petty Girl replaced by cartoon sexpot Jessica Rabbit.

Again, a good idea but... contemporary? They should have put in Lynne from their own George & Lynne cartoon strip. Or... a page three girl? It's like The Sun doesn't even read The Sun, isn't it?

41. Moody actor Marlon Brando replaced by grumpy thespian Russell Crowe.

Spot on, although the Beatles couldn't have known that Brando was going to end up doing any old crap for the money at the time.

42. Cowboy actor Tom Mix replaced by spaghetti western gunslinger Clint Eastwood.

That's really updated the idea. Despite, erm, A Fistful of Dollars predating Sgt Pepper by three years.

43. Writer, poet and wit Oscar Wilde replaced by writer and comic Stephen Fry.

Fair enough, and Fry has even played Wilde which is quite nice.

44. Zorro actor Tyrone Power replaced by Mask of Zorro star Antonio Banderas.

45. Modern artist Larry Bell replaced by unmade bed artist Tracy Emin.

46. African explorer David Livingstone replaced by British adventurer Sir Ranulph Fiennes.

Again, not a bad series of replacements.

47. Tarzan actor Johnny Weissmuller replaced by King Of The Jungle Phil Tufnell.

48. Writer Stephen Crane replaced by Da Vinci Code author Dan Brown.

49. Music hall comedian Issy Bonn replaced by stand-up Jimmy Carr.

50. Legendary Irish writer George Bernard Shaw replaced by modern Irish writer Roddy Doyle.

These, taken together, could really be used as evidence in a court case about the world the Sun has made. Doyle's clunking, insular work in place of Bernard Shaw's connected, deeply political work? Paddy Clarke Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha as our generation's Arms And The Man? Jimmy Carr there at all? A cricket bloke who won a gameshow what we give to eternity in place of an Olympian who made an iconic movie character? In the stead of Crane's evocation of the meaning of courage, Brown's pisspoor airport potboiler?

51. 3D artist and designer HC Westermann replaced by iPod designer Jonathan Ive.

52. Liverpool FC legend Albert Stubbins replaced by former Everton star Wayne Rooney.

We'll give them these.

53. Indian spiritualist Sri Lahiri Mahasaya replaced by spoonbender Uri Gellar.

They're not very good with the philosophers or spiritual leaders, are they? They might as well have just slapped Paul Daniels over his face.

54. Alice In Wonderland writer Lewis Carroll replaced by Harry Potter creator JK Rowling.

There's some sort of logic to this one.

55. Boxer Sonny Liston replaced by British Olympic silver medallist Amir Khan.

56. Waxwork of George Harrison replaced by waxwork of Arctic Monkey Alex Turner.

57. Waxwork of John Lennon replaced by waxwork of Arctic Monkey Jamie Cook.

58. Waxwork of Ringo Starr replaced by waxwork of Arctic Monkey Nick O’Malley.

59. Waxwork of Paul McCartney replaced by waxwork of Arctic Monkey Matt Helders.

The boxer one is fine, but... apart from there not being any waxworks of the Arctic Monkeys, surely, if anyone, a plasticated Beatles should be represented by Oasis?

60. Albert Einstein replaced by Brief History Of Time genius Stephen Hawking.

"Stuart, you can stop looking for a photo of the bloke who invented Suduko... I've had a better idea..."

61. John Lennon replaced by son Sean.

62. Ringo Starr replaced by son Zak.

63. Paul McCartney replaced by daughter Stella.

64. George Harrison replaced by son Dhani.

Are they trying to make a subtle comment about the foolishness of believing that talent is inherited? Did they get Rupert Murdoch to sign off on that?

65. Child star Bobby Breen replaced by off-the-rails Home Alone star Macaulay Culkin.

66. Hollywood actress Marlene Dietrich replaced by Aussie screen star Nicole Kidman.

They both have funny accents, you see.

67. Legionnaire from the Order of the Buffalo replaced by anonymous British soldier in Iraq.

Curiously, there's no such thing as the Order of the Buffalo - the only other place you'll find it mentioned is in the Independent's guide to who's who on the Sgt Pepper cover. There is a "Royal Antediluvian Order of Buffaloes", which is a bit like the Masons or the Elks; there's also an "Order of the Buffalo Hunt", which is a Canadian honour. Neither are really anything to do with fighting soldiers, though. Still, the paper probably wanted a picture of an Iraq fighter somewhere, knowing how keen the Beatles were on Britain supporting American wars.

68. Shapely actress Diana Dors replaced by curvy Kelly Brook.

Yeah, except Diana Dors was an actress, and Kelly Brook... well, it's kindest to say that Kelly Brook isn't.

69. Child star Shirley Temple replaced by Britney Spears in Disney TV show.

Because, of course, Britney Spears is now only remembered as a child TV star in a programme none of Britain ever saw.

70. Japanese Fukusuke doll replaced by Teletubby toy.

Hello Kitty, surely? They can't even get their toys right.

71. Snow White figurine replaced by Toy Story’s Buzz Lightyear.

72. Statue from home of John Lennon replaced by statue of Bobby Moore.

Bobby Moore? Why Bobby Moore?

73. Plastic doll replaced by Bratz doll.

74. Doll with Rolling Stones jumper replaced by ITV Digital Monkey with Arctic Monkeys T-shirt.

Good lord, what's with the Arctic Monkeys connection? It's almost embarrassing to see the Sun dropping their names all over the place, like a grandpa dropping the name of a band he read in the Daily Mail into conversation.

75. Figurine of Hindu goddess Lakshmi replaced by Barbie doll.

We're sure the Hindus will be delighted the consort of Vishnu has been deemed out of date and replaced with a doll eight years older than the original album.

Well done, everybody. Well done. We're going off for a little sob.

Etch-a-sketch

Couldn't Mutya have done a park bench as a tribute or something? Because we're not sure having you whole leg scratched and ink injected into the wound is as good a way of "paying tribute" to her mother as she seems to think it is.

"Some people might recognise me..."

Oh, this is hilarious - Ziggy, the man they're throwing into the Big Brother house, used to be in Northern Lights. And he actually thinks there might be people watching going "oh, of course..."

We wonder if they're going to bring in all of Two Thirds at some point?

Of course, this could actually be a very cunning play on what they did on the last Celebrity Big Brother but one, where Chantelle was pretending to a person from a band nobody had ever heard from as well.

Sharon Osbourne bingo winnings

After our post last weekend about Sharon Osbourne's threats of violence, we did write to Sarah Mercer, who is head of groups communications for Gala Coral Group, to find out if this sort of conflict resolution is one they'd like to see people adopting in their bingo halls - Osbourne, of course, being the face of Gala Bingo.

As yet, Sarah hasn't replied. Perhaps it's because it was a bank holiday weekend, maybe she had a backlog built up. We'll try resending, and keep you in the loop.

Mrs Way on the way? Or no Way?

Gerard Way has told MTV2 that he's engaged, and that's why he's wearing an engagement ring. On the other hand, the band had been trying to deny he was engaged when first asked about it; and, frankly, if our fiance treated our engagement as something slightly embarrassing to try and cover up, we'd be disaffiancing pretty sharpish.

Hey! This kind of fact-free post could almost count as an Inconvenient Truth for the IFPI, couldn't it? Maybe I should send a CV across.

All the world's a Bordello

The sightly clunking gypsishism of Gogol Bordello is about to be flying about a lot, as they undertake a world tour:
06-01 Nürburgring, Germany - Rock Am Ring
06-02 Nürnberg, Germany - Rock im Park
06-08 Morrison, CO - Red Rocks Amphitheatre *
06-09 Aspen, CO - Belly Up Aspen
06-16 Manchester, TN - Bonnaroo
06-22 Glastonbury, England - Glastonbury Festival
06-24 Vienna, Austria - Donauinsel Festival
06-25 Padovia, Italy - Sherwood Festival
06-26 Rome, Italy - Villa Ada
06-28 Milan, Italy - Festival
06-29 Belfort, France - Eurockéennes
06-30 Zerajanin, Serbia - Roadfest
07-01 Gothenburg, Sweden - Pier Pressure
07-04 Prague, Czech Republic - Rock for People Festival
07-06 Turku, Finland - Ruisrock
07-07 Kinross, Scotland - T in the Park
07-08 Dublin, Ireland - Oxegen Festival
07-12 Quebec City, Quebec - Festival D'été
07-13 Ottawa, Ontario - Ottawa Blues Festival
07-14 Detroit, MI - Majestic Theatre
07-15 Chicago, IL - Vic Theatre
07-17 Cleveland, OH - House of Blues
07-18 Washington, DC - 9:30 Club
07-19 Philadelphia, PA - Trocadero
07-20 New York, NY - Irving Plaza
07-21 New York, NY - Irving Plaza
07-25 Targu Mures, Romania - Fel Sziget
07-26 Ostersund, Sweden - Storsjoyran
07-27 Trondheim, Norway - Storåsfestivalen
07-29 Paleo, Czech Republic - Paleo Festival
08-09 Oslo, Norway - Oya Festival
08-10 Budapest, Hungary - Sziget Festival
08-11 Zofingen, Switzerland - Heitere
08-12 Rothenburg, Germany - Festival
08-14 Paredes de Coura, Portugal - Paredes de Coura
08-16 Hasselt, Belgium - Pukkelpop
08-17 Gampel, Switzerland - Openair
08-18 Exeter, England - Beautiful Days Festival
08-20 Brescia, Italy - Radio Onda Durto Festival
08-21 Ariano, Italy - Ariano Folk Fest
08-22 Florence, Italy - Ippodromo
08-24 Reading, England - Reading Festival
08-25 Leeds, England - Leeds Festival
08-27 San Diego, CA - House of Blues
08-28 Los Angeles, CA - Henry Fonda Theatre
08-29 San Francisco, CA - The Fillmore
08-31 Portland, OR - Crystal Ballroom
09-01 Seattle, WA - Bumbershoot Festival

You'll note this time the Glastonbury Festival is being placed in Glastonbury. Pilton, people, Pilton.

Some of my best Franz are songs

Pitchfork is currently offering links to Franz Ferdinand covering LCD Soundsystem's All My Friends. You might like to watch it.

IFPI steal Al Gore's IP

Amusing to see the IFPI (where the RIAA pretends to let other nations play at copyright police, too) have, uh, borrowed the title of Al Gore's movie, An Inconvenient Truth, for their list of ten "facts" about piracy. Isn't that the sort of playful inspiration-borrowing that strict copyright and trademark law looks askance at?

Anyway, we thought we'd take a close look at these "truths". It's not clear if they're going to get Alan Parker. to write them in big black pen on his hand or anything:

1. Pirate Bay, one of the flagships of the anti-copyright movement, makes thousands of euros from advertising on its site, while maintaining its anti-establishment “free music” rhetoric.

Well, they never said they'd be fascinating or surprising. It's not actually quite true, either, is it? Pirate Bay's stance, as we understand it, is that of Kopimism, a belief in the free movement of information, which isn't, really, the same as being anti-establishment. And since the ads appear, you know, on the site, it's not like people might not have noticed.

2. Allofmp3.com, the well-known Russian website, has not been licensed by a single IFPI member, has been disowned by right holder groups worldwide and is facing criminal proceedings in Russia.

Well, this is factish - although "We say we don't like them" isn't really a truth, and since the IFPI are self-appointed and not democratically mandated, one might say "so... what, exactly?"

And are Allofmp3 facing criminal proceedings in Russia? Two and a half years ago, the IFPI trumpeted the passing of results of a Moscow police investigation to the Russian state prosecutor. We've not seen anything solid since then; nor has the IFPI, to judge by its website.

3. Organised criminal gangs and even terrorist groups use the sale of counterfeit CDs to raise revenue and launder money.

Really? Terrorism? This is often around by the copyright lobby - buy a fake Celine Dion CD today, and you'll suffer tomorrow. And the day after, you'll be blown up by a terrorist. The RIAA claims that it's got evidence that Dawood Ibrahim is producing CDs in Pakistan and using the cash to fund bad things. Maybe he is, but that doesn't really mean that he's turning up at the local car boot sale down the road to flog 'em, is there? Or maybe the RIAA has just made it up, or got it from the same bloke who told Bush and Blair about the yellow cake. Certainly, if they do have evidence, they're not letting anyone see it to evaluate it.

4. Illegal file-sharers don’t care whether the copyright infringing work they distribute is from a major or independent label.

This isn't entirely true - some do. Some file-sharers, indeed, will only share music that has become out-of-print. So, at best, a partial truth, then.

5. Reduced revenues for record companies mean less money available to take a risk on “underground” artists and more inclination to invest in “bankers” like American Idol stars.

The IFPI seem to be suggesting that the major labels are releasing a slew of rubbish - which is true, and - actually - surprising. We don't see any graph showing relationship between total revenue and risk-taking by major labels; we'd even be happy with a graph showing a list of risks taken by major labels in the last five years. But we don't get them.

6. ISPs often advertise music as a benefit of signing up to their service, but facilitate the illegal swapping on copyright infringing music on a grand scale.

If we were ISPs, we'd be more than a little bit annoyed by this - there are, as the IFPI-RIAA point out constantly, any number of legal music services online. The implication here, that BT and Virgin Media say "sign up with us, you can steal loads of cash" is just fanciful.

7. The anti-copyright movement does not create jobs, exports, tax revenues and economic growth – it largely consists of people pontificating on a commercial world about which they know little.

Sorry, did they just run out of 'truths' and go for abuse? And wasn't point one that Pirate Bay were arch-capitalists? And, if we buy the IFPI's claim that ISPs are facilitating copyright-skirting services, then are we to assume that the bosses of BT and Orange and Pipex "know little" about the commercial world? Or is this bunch of facts just contradicting their own pants off?

It's also simply wrong to suggest that "the anti-copyright movement does not create jobs" - some people who disagree with copyright might not be capitalist. But others see the loosening of copyright rules as a way of stimulating the economy. The IFPI's jumbling of a number of schools of thought together weakens its case - for example, the people who object to the calls for extension of copyright in recordings beyond fifty years can point to the creative work being done by labels like K-Tel in releasing music and creating value in music which had been left unexploited for decades. Recordings locked in music industry vaults are equally poor at creating imports and tax.

"Know little of the commercial world"? Just because people don't want to kiss someone's ass doesn't mean they're unaware where the shit comes out of.

8. Piracy is not caused by poverty. Professor Zhang of Nanjing University found the Chinese citizens who bought pirate products were mainly middle or higher income earners.

Because the very poor Chinese, of course, can't afford anything to play the pirated music on. Besides, the people who buy pirated music aren't the people who sell the product. This statement is as stupid as saying "Cleaning isn't a job choice driven by poverty; a survey has shown everyone who hires cleaners is middle class."

9. Most people know it is wrong to file-share copyright infringing material but won't stop till the law makes them, according to a recent study by the Australian anti-piracy group MIPI.

And you can't take everyone to court, or even a significant number of people to court. So, effectively, the IFPI and RIAA have lost. That is, to be fair, an inconvenient truth indeed.

10. P2P networks are not hotbeds for discovering new music. It is popular music that is illegally file-shared most frequently.

This is almost textbook duplicity - most of the music searches on the internet are for established bands - does that mean you don't discover new music on the internent? Most record shop shelves feature popular artists - does that mean that shops aren't a place to discover new music? Nearly all radio music is drawn from a very narrow pool of the most popular tracks, but that doesn't mean you might not find a new artist online.

Still, we're sure the IFPI had fun drawing these non-facts, half-truths and well-duhs together. Even if it just made itself feel better.

Fingerprints on the Apple

It was Franco who first alerted us to the discovery of private data encoded into the supposedly DRM-free files being sold by Apple:

We now know where the extra iTunes charges for “Fairplay” tracks is going: all downloaded songs come free with personalised information like your name, email address and other account information. They must have run out of space otherwise they could have squeezed in some bank details and mother’s maiden name.

Although it turns out to be even worse than that: all iTunes sales have this data encoded into them, but since the standard version is locked to a limited number of machines and players, it's caused less concern.

Ars Technica ponders why they'd bother with this ugly, embarrassing encumbrance - as it points out, the people who'd shell out a dollar for a tune aren't going to be the sort fishing in file-sharing networks anyway. It speculates there's a chance that the information might be collated for a fascinating study rather than copyright whoop-ass, but Apple are keeping quiet about what the hell they're up to for now. It all looks a little tawdry.

Apparently, Noddy Holder wasn't a relative at all

You'll have to forgive us, because this sounds a little like the plot to one of the stories from the Haircut One Hundred comic strip in Look-In. Sir Benjamin Slade has finally finished his search for an heir, and the search took him to Isaac Slade, out The Fray. There's been a DNA match, and now Benjamin is looking for Isaac to move to Bridgewater to take over the family home.

Apparently the upkeep is getting too much for Benjamin so, rather than sell the house, he set out to find a living relative to pass it on to. His idea was to keep it in the family, as the last thing he wanted was for the place to go on the market and end up in the hands of some obscure rock star with more money than sense.

Oh.

Mind you, Isaac's apparently not some Jagger figure:

Ben, who has no children, said: "I'm over the moon to have found Isaac. He isn't your typical rocker. He doesn't do drugs, he dresses and speaks respectfully.

"He and his wife will stay with us for two nights to get a feel for the place. We're pulling out all the stops - the champagne will flow all night. I want him to fall in love with my house so I can jump ship."

Yes, it's good to know that Isaac isn't some amoral figure, so you can comfortably get him pissed and dump the house on him while he's incapable.

Beckham quits show, or something

The fly-on-the-wall Life Of Victoria Beckham series which was being shot despite no actually network wanting it has either been "thrown into doubt" or "is trying to beat up interest with some lame made-up story" as Victoria has supposedly told producers she's going to watch the football instead of turn up to filming.

You know, like Half Man Half Biscuit did with The Tube, and it never did their career any harm.

A US source said: "She told producers she was not going to miss David's England game and they seemed unwilling to compromise.

"It's also his last Madrid match next week and she'd told them months ago that she was going to be by his side - but they seemed to expect filming to take precedence.

"It's a real sacrifice for her as the TV series was a great launch-pad for her career over there. But she felt she was being pushed into a corner and David was obviously always going to take priority."

Mrs Beckham has been fannying about in the US and UK apparently unconcerned if David was turning out regularly for Real Madrid or not, so we presume this sudden interest in David now he's back in the England team has more to do with being photographed with the other WALOFFS (or Women Apparently Living Off Footballer's Fame) to try and boost her flagging career back home. We say "career", as if "being photographed with other women who have sex with millionaire sportspeople" is a properly structured job.

Victoria Newton went to the cupboard...

... and when she got there the cupboard was bare, so she just ran a bunch of photos. This means today's Bizarre consists of man wears hat in new video, couple wear similar trousers and man looks at pregnant girlfriend.

The hat story is brilliant, as it's Simon Webbe, so not only does nobody actually care, but because he's wearing a hat, Newton is apparently confused:

Is hat you, Mr Webbe?

Yes. Yes, it is him. Only wearing a hat.

To be fair to Newton, she has managed to drag a story out of reading another gossip column about Lindsay Lohan:

Wildchild Lindsay on 'heroin'

An arresting headline, but actually, her Dad said "hillbilly heroin", which is quite a different proposition and does make Newton's choice of headline somewhat dishonest (a bit like if someone said "You're a shit journalist" and the headline was "Newton is a 'journalist'").

Glastonbury 2007: Line-ups

The NME website has announced (possibly leaked) the Glastonbury line-ups. This the Pyramid stage:

Friday (June 22)
Arctic Monkeys
Kasabian
The Fratellis
Bloc Party
The Magic Numbers
Amy Winehouse
Gogol Bordello
The Earlies
The View
Adjagas

Saturday (June 23)
The Killers
The Kooks
Paul Weller
Paolo Nutini
Lily Allen
The Good, The Bad & The Queen
Guillemots
The Pipettes
Seasick Steve
Liz Green

Sunday (June 24)
The Who
Kaiser Chiefs
Manic Street Preachers
Shirley Bassey
James Morrison
Damien Marley
Stephen Marley
The Waterboys
National Youth Orchestra (with Goldfrapp)
Glastonbury Town Band

Good lord, Manics beneath the Kaiser Chiefs is a bit of something hard and jagged for them to swallow; Saturday night seems like a "who can disappear up their own arses the furthest" competition - "if I can make it through Albarn's band with no name, I can see... oh, Lily Allen. But if I can make it through her, then it's... oh, Paolo Nutini. But then... sod this, who's on the second stage?"

Funny you should ask:

FRIDAY (June 22)
Bjork
Arcade Fire
Rufus Wainwright
The Coral
Super Furry Animals
Bright Eyes
The Automatic
The Cribs
Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly
Mr Hudson And The Library

SATURDAY (June 23)
The Stooges
Editors
Maximo Park
Klaxons
Babyshambles
CSS
Biffy Clyro
The Twang
The Long Blondes
Brakes

SUNDAY (June 24)
The Chemical Brothers
The Go! Team
The View
Mika
The Rakes
Modest Mouse
Cold War Kids
The Sunshine Underground
The Enemy

That's more like it - although we're a little surprised at the honest-but-unexpected positioning of Babyshambles halfway down the second stage; presumably that covers them if they don't turn up. It's interesting, though, they're occupying a more lowly position than The Coral are the night before. Presumably, The Long Blondes have kept on jobs waiting at Pizza Express or something?

"A moving half-hour followed, with John recounting stories from his past"

The splendid Sweeping The Nation has gathered the links, so we shan't bother: John Peel's This Is Your Life is currently bobbing about on YouTube. Great news for fans of grown men crying.

How do you revive a clapped-out warhorse?

In the case of MTV Unplugged, an idea which had its time and now wants it over again, you try by hiring acts who are even older and more dried-out than the format. Bon Jovi, The Police, Kenny Chesney and John Mayer are all lined up to do their thing.

How much does L'Oreal pay Beyonce again?

It's money well spent, isn't it?

"I actually don't like wearing make-up, I'd rather be natural. My hair is natural and when I go out I don't need to spend hours deciding what I will wear or which make-up to put on. I know exactly what I want."

Oh, yes, Beyonce is worth it, alright.

Germaine Greer buys the NME

We're sure Conor McKnickerless - sorry, McNicholas - will be delighted that today's G2 carries a not-quite-think piece by Germaine Greer discussing the NME's Beth Ditto cover, even although she doesn't really seem to have thought through her views:

When Beth Ditto, singer with The Gossip and a G2 columnist, strips to lipstick and eyeshadow, she is getting nude, not naked, but prissy commentators are talking about it as if she were a Hottentot and NME (which ran the picture on the cover) was the National Geographic.

Does this actually mean anything? Greer fails to point out any "prissy" commentary at all, and we don't actually think there's been anyone swooning away at the thought of a naked woman. We've seen people who've got horny, people who've been turned off, people who've wondered if the idea is quite as empowering as it's supposed to be. But prissyness? We've seen none.

And surely prissyness is the exact opposite of the reaction to the images of naked tribespeople which used to be the stock-in-trade of the National Geographic; the stimulation of choice for the kids whose dads were too posh or too good at hiding their stash to allow easy access to well-thumbed Mayfairs? Secretly thrilled is not the same as prissy, surely?

The NME had enough courage to put the coolest woman on the planet on the cover, and Beth Ditto has given them the kind of picture that they can use: attention-getting but certainly not obscene.

No, really, Germaine? Are you suggesting that by knowing that splayed legs and exposed nipples wouldn't a mass-market magazine cover make is meant to be the sign of some sort of hyper-intelligence at work?

And why is this "courageous"? Again, Greer doesn't really explain, because she's fallen into the trap that the paper itself has: it's only if you secretly believe Ditto to be some sort of freakshow grotesque that putting her on the cover becomes an act of courage; you can't simultaneously hold the position that the NME is being brave and that Ditto is no different from whoever is on the cover of Zoo this week.

And isn't Greer's anthropological musing on the paper's front page, well, casting Ditto as if she were a Hottentot in the National Geographic?

EMI and Google make a deal

Google has come to an agreement with EMI to allow YouTube to carry their videos in return for a slice of revenue. All four majors have now, reluctantly, agreed to pocket large sums of cash in return for not suing YouTube off the face of the web.