No Rock And Roll Fun

PRICELESS: Apparently, Toploader have told Ananova that people who criticise their new album are just "jealous" of their lifestyle. Excuse me? Jealous of what, apparently? The fear of decent hairstyles? The ability to get fading lad's man's flavours of the month up the duff? The woefully named Dan Hipgrave whined "People can say what they like about our music, but these reviews are more like personal attacks.
Well, I'm glad we're free to say what we like about your music - I have a Danube-bursting torrent waiting to set free. But "more like personal attacks?" You're paranoid, Dan. The nme review does concentrate entirely on your music - splendidly describing it as "a veritable fractal zoom of bong-addled indulgence and soul-mashing crap music. " But carry on...
"It's only the immediate press that have given us bad reviews and I put that down to jealousy. Not jealous in that they want to be us, but jealous of our lifestyles.
What exactly is the 'immedeate press'? Is there some sort of press that isn't immedeate? (Actually, the Liverpool Echo can take a few weeks to get car crashes into the paper, but we're sure he didn't mean that.) And if he means that posterity will judge the album more kindly - how can he possibly know? Has he found a copy of Mojo from 2009? Has a bong-fuelled visitation from the future whispered the position of the album in the Diamond Jubilee Radio 2 poll?
And, believe me, young man - nobody casts envious glances in the direction of Toploader's "lifestyles." Apart from maybe The Levellers.
"Coldplay have already got top marks in NME for their new album even before the staff have heard it - you mark my words."
Ooh, you're not implying that NME might be playing favourites, are you? Thing is, if anyone here comes across as jealous, it's you. You really want to be thought of as credible, don't you? It must pain you that Coldplay - who are, to be frank, as shite as you lot - get treated like latter day Shelleys while you're seen as the Bunch of Tossers whose art is so cheap you flogged it to Sainsburys for a Jamie Oliver ad. You'd kill to be given just a day being treated as visionary, wouldn't you? Never mind, I'm sure Somerfield will be keen to use some of your tracks to flog pork chops.
Oh, and we've all seen your wife's tits before - so it's not like you're getting privileged access.