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— Niall Anderson (@Mr_Considerate) February 27, 2016
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Want to feel old? Here’s what the cover of Screamadelica looks like now. pic.twitter.com/xqXnid2BrZ
— Niall Anderson (@Mr_Considerate) February 27, 2016
6.30pm
Imagine if the Grammys took place in a room where all the air had been sucked out of it. And imagine if before the air was sucked out the room, the budget was cut by 95%. Oh, and James Bay was put at the heart of things.
You don't need to imagine that. Because it's happening! Tonight!
And we'll be there (or here) for the all-important Brits liveblog. At this URL.
7.58pm
So what can we expect this year? The Brits Chair says that amongst his ideal moments was Jarvis rushing Jacko's stage.
You'll recall the Brits loved that so much at the time they had Jarvis arrested.
Last year, there was a genuine talking point moment, but if your awards are relying on a fifty-something woman choosing between falling over or garrotting herself for people to pay attention, you've got a structural problem.
8.00pm
Ant And Dec. It's like it's bloody 1997.
There's some before-show business about not wearing capes.
8.02pm
Everyone has "upped their game", promise Ant and Dec. Perhaps to make up for ITV having lowered their sights?
People dressed as the "iconic" (supposedly) Brit Awards are dancing to something so-so. Bravely, they've gone out to dance amongst the nonplussed executives sitting at the tables.
8.05
Mercifully, it was a short sequence. Ant (or is it Dec?) run through the delights on offer - Little Mix, Jess Glynne. The cheers for Rihanna sounded more like they were genuine than some of the others.
Coldplay on first. Chris Martin and chums have tricked out their stage to look like they're doing a themed beach party in the 1970s. Oh, but they also have fire plumes which are set off at the less-mild bit of the songs. So that's a beach party where Dad couldn't light the barbecue and tried lobbing on some paraffin.
8.08
The Coldplay song repeats "so high, so high", like a thirteen year-old who has just had a teeny puff on his first spliff.
Having tried to enliven the plodding song with fire, they've now set off some glitter. They really are chucking everything at this performance. Well, except a half-decent song.
8.10
"Love Coldplay" says Dec (or is it Ant). Yes, you're a white, middle-aged man. Of course you do.
You can vote using hashtags for best video! It's modern. AND IN NO WAY OPEN TO #RIGGINGTHEVOTE.
One Direction are on the shortlist, so the actual voting is just a formality.
"You can only vote once" warns Dan (or is it Eck?). Yeah. There'd be no way around that, he said, rapidly deleting cookies and swapping between browsers.
8.12
We've got to an award quite quickly - the now defunct One Direction are on stage to do Best British Female. Jess Glynne/Florence/Laura Marling/Amy Winehouse/Adele. Hardly any of them are dead, too.
8.13
It's Adele! Who is at least alive! Although it's not clear she actually released anything during the period the awards cover, otherwise, you know, she'd have been nominated for that.
Adele says its lovely to come back. She supports Ke$ha, though, which floats out into the room and Ant and Dec comment on how short her speech was.
Still: Adele went there. Pity ITV didn't find any Sony execs for reaction shots.
Not entirely clear how XL had embraced Adele being a woman, exactly. They didn't ask her to draw a tache on with a burned cork?
8.18
First ad break. Sky Q remind you this programme could follow you around the house. YOU WOULDN'T BE SAFE IN THE BATHROOM.
Gary Lineker is advertising a crisp packet which "turns into a bowl of crisps". Except it doesn't, really, it's just a fiddly bag that comes between you and your crisps.
8.19
Ant and Dec appear on tape plugging their Saturday show; there's a break bumper of Ellie Goulding looking a bit awkward.
Ant has got a flame thrower. Hijinks ensue.
Oh, he's set off the smoke alarm.
There's a security guard with a "I feel so sorry for you guys, all I have to do is stop people going backstage" look of pity on her face.
Justin Bieber and James The Hat Bay are on now - by another open fire. Is this year's event being organised by the scouts? ("Akalea says it's either fire-lighting, or else we're going to have to do knots all night long.")
Even Bieber tires of the acoustic thing, so sets fire to more of the stage, and does some more traditional limp poprock with the crotch thing.
8.23
Bieber really has employed the Henery V gambit - if you're shit for ages, when you stop being shit, people will think you're really great.
He keeps grabbing his cock; maybe all that fire is making it roast like a marshmallow.
8.25
Jesus, what is all this fire stuff this year? It already feels like hell, maybe they're just going to complete the ambience.
Nearly half an hour in, and we've only done one prize. Pick up the pace, people. There's News to be done at 10.
Ant and Dec return to make more jokes about smoke alarms.
Kylie's coming on to give out the next prize - British Male.
Calvin Harris v James Bay v Jamie XX v Aphex Twin v Mark Ronson
James Bay wins.
Perhaps it's just as well the Americans are burying this on the Fuse network - can you imagine if an American audience saw us proclaim the best male artist in Britain is the man in the hat.
Bay is confused by the round stage and can't work out where he's meant to be talking. He thanks people for believing for in him. If we don't believe, does he vanish?
8.30
Ant and Dec are prowling the floor looking for celebrities. Instead, they stumble across Nick Grimshaw and wave at Coldplay.
Oh, god, and they find Alan Carr. Carr complains about the journey to Greenwich and weeing in a bottle.
It's the most glittering event of the music year.
And we're off to a second break.
8.32
There's a singing packet of cream crackers on screen now. Better than any of the acts so far on the stage.
Lidl are selling parsnips for 39p.
What's with the DJ in the Virgin broadband ad? Okay, mate, you've got somewhere else to be, but couldn't you at least have waited until the end of Chaka Khan before fucking off?
8.36
We're back again. International Group: Tame Impala v Major lazer v Eagles Of Death Metal v Alabama Shakes v U2
Probably the most interesting shortlist of the evening, albeit providing you squint so you ignore U2.
And, surprisingly - it's Tame Impala. That's a surprise - its one of the few times you could see doing the mawkish thing would be right thing as well; giving it to EODM would have been a decent statement of what we value about music. But, no, this one time they decide to give an award based on music alone.
8.40
Nobody can find the cameras.
There's a really awkward bit where a woman in fetish wear comes and waggles her ass at the camera and rub Ant And Dec. What the actual?
Jess Glynne is up to do her tunes now. I wonder if anyone will set fire to things while she's playing. Jess says she ain't go far to go, which means she, at least, won't get caught in the back-up at the Blackwall Tunnel.
8.42
At least Jane McDonald had the good grace to work a few years on a cruise ship before hitting the stage on dry land.
I keep hearing "Jess Glynne" as "Jeff Lynn".
Ant is now giving a joke award to Dec. I say "joke".
Simon LeBon has come on to do a prize. The Brits have decided a man who used to own this night needs a Snooki Waterhouse to lend him some gravitas.
Little Mix v Adele v Calvin Harris & Disciples v Olly Murs V Years and Years v jess Glynne v Ed Sheeran v Phylis George v Ellie Goulding.
Best British single goes to Adele for Hello. (Okay, turns out she did release something in the qualifying period.)
The Ellie Goulding track was better, though, wasn't it? I mean, it just was.
"I love all them songs" says Adele.
8.48
Another break. They remind us that we can vote for Video of the year. I had totally forgotten that.
Adele's getting a bit...Bev in Abigail's Paarty isn't she? Half expected her to say she was looking forward to Demis Roussos #brits
— Chris Rubery (@Chrisrubery) February 24, 2016
Remembering when people were offended by black people being on the #BRITs #BRITs2016 #Skepta pic.twitter.com/Pk4QAWeYzc
— The Sun Apologies (@SunApology) February 24, 2016
I'm missing Will Young and Alison Steadman on Bake Off for this??? #BRITs2016
— Jude Rogers (@juderogers) February 24, 2016
I dunno if I can take any more...... It's making me so angry.
— Charlotte Church (@charlottechurch) February 24, 2016
Every possible advertising space at North Greenwich has Mark Ronson on it. It's terrifying #brits pic.twitter.com/YsjV7SAYvL
— Talia (@talia) February 24, 2016
My favourite Bowie tribute of the evening. pic.twitter.com/TIJRkfkCOn
— Rick Burin (@rickburin) February 24, 2016
Miranda Sawyer delivered a sympathetic interview with Chris Moyles for yesterday's Observer; she was firm with him and, for his part, he came across warmer than he has for quite a while. Although he still tried to skip the difficult questions:
I ask him about being involved in a tax avoidance scheme, and he gets frustrated again. He gives me a very long explanation that boils down to: he thought it was OK and it turned out it wasn’t and he paid it back in full.Yeah. Because if you're claiming tax for being a second-hand car salesperson, and you don't sell cars, what possible reason for thinking it might be dodgy could there be?
“I’m not homophobic, but what can I say about that?” he says. “Whatever I say sounds like ‘some of my best friends are black’. Christ almighty, one of my best friends came out a couple of years ago as transgender. Simon is now Steph, which is fine. But I don’t know what to say about that. Because if I say the wrong thing, I’ll be crucified in Leicester Square.”The trouble is, having gay friends doesn't 'prove' that you're not gay; not really knowing the difference between transgender people and gay people doesn't entirely make the case any stronger.
During the imitation the presenter adopted an effeminate and high pitchedBut it's okay, because he's got one friend who is a transgender person.
voice.
When singing his alternative version of ‘Evergreen’, Chris Moyles broadcast the
lyrics: “It’s my birthday, gonna wear my new dress tonight. And I smell nice. I’ve had
a shower and I’ve shaved my legs. Going out later, might go to Nob-oooh for dinner.”
During the alternative version of ‘Leave Right Now’, Chris Moyles broadcast the
lyrics: “Oooh Will Young here, mmmmh. I’m here, it’s Will’s birthday and as the years
go by I get more very gay. When you saw me years ago you didn’t know, but now I’m
the gayest fella you probably know. mmm I like to wear a silly hat, I get camper by
the hour, oh would you look at the muck in here. I’m Will Young and I’m gay.”
By Simon Hayes Budgen 0 comments
More from No Rock on chris moyles, homophobia, radio x, tax, tax avoidance, will young
Matchbox 20's Rob Thomas is off on a tour of Australia right now. Although he nearly had to come back straight away after "making a joke":
“I keep drinking until I think I’m a black Australian”.Considering there's such a serious alcohol problem amongst Indigenous Australains that it's the main cause of a horrifying death rate amongst the group, if Thomas had known quite what he was saying, that would be career-endingly shameful.
“I said I drank until I thought I was Australian. Then I drank so much that I thought I was a black Australian and then I drank so much I thought I was a little Australian girl.That seems heartfelt, and genuine. It's what contrition looks like.
“These were 3 things I chose at random to represent 3 things I’m not. I’m not Australian. I’m not black and I’m not a little girl.”
Thomas said that had he known there was a “connection between the indigenous peoples of Australia and a stereotype involving drinking” he would have chosen another example.
“I was so ignorant to the situation that when I heard people groan I actually thought THEY were being racist. I didn’t know until TODAY that just the phrase ‘black Australian’ was racist all on it’s own. (sic)
“I sat in my room and I cried when I found out.”
Thomas said he was “truly sorry” for how the joke was delivered, “most of all to the indigenous people here”.
James Bay - who clearly is never going to take the hat off, is he? Like a BHS version of Jamiroquai - is caught in war of words with Lily Allen.
Yeah, it's a bit like the European Union Referendum, in that whoever is in the right you're still going to end up in a group that makes you feel uncomfortable.
The story so far is that Allen has looked at the shortlist for this year's awards, and noticed that being white and being nominated appears to correlate quite closely.
James is sad she had to say such things.
He first picks up on Allen's claim that the shortlist could have been put together by Alan Partridge:
“I haven’t seen REO Speedwagon in the nominations, so I don’t know if it’s entirely Partridge."That sort of pedantic-but-missing-the-point response is, in itself, a perfect Partridge - it's "I've got a hundred and four friends".
It’s varied nominations. It’s about music. I don’t know why she’s had to go down that route.James, there, happily claiming the nominations are are varied while admitting that he hasn't "looked closely" at them. It's like claiming all the tracks on Bay's album are wheezy half-baked nursery rhymes without having listened to closely to them.
"I haven’t looked closely into all the nominations but it’s interesting she should bring that up."
"I can’t think of her last album, when she last released something.”Yeah, it's true that Allen hasn't released a record in 2015, but she did in 2014, and it went straight to number one. It's not like she's Wendy James.
If you're filing for protective bankruptcy to avoid having to pay people what you owe, there are some things you might not want to be doing.
Someone's just splashed 24 thousand quid on a lock of John Lennon's hair.
Imagine no possessions, eh? Whatever would we have to put into auctions.
The most-read pieces last week:
1. Peter Gabriel on Pussy Riot
2. RIP Vi Subversa
3. Kesha reminds us what a terrible place the music industry is
4. NME Awards 2016
5. The perpetually popular last Mark & Lard show
6. Grammy Awards 2016
7. Wendy James - back back back
8. 2014 Valete
9. Pete Doherty follows Jimmy Saville
10. Jo O'Meara's not sorry about the Big Brother racism thing
These were the week's interesting releases:
Basia Balat - Good Advice
Download Good Sdvice
Lissie - My Wild West
Download My Wild West
Rokia Traore - Ne So
Download Ne So
Lacey Sturm - Life Screams
Download Life Screams