Thursday, February 07, 2002

NO GURU, NO SENSE, NO DOUBT: I never thought I'd be keeping my fingers crossed for Enrique Ingleseas to stay at number one, but since the other option is for that godawful Hey Baby getting there, all right thinking people surely must. Way to blow it, Gwen - nobody has given a thirty second theatre about your bunch of Madness-meets-Sleeper muppets since it became clear that Don't Talk was an exception to a rule rather than the rule itself, but you might just have climbed out of the crushing machine in the back of the warehouse when Eve "decided" to get you to guest on the, frankly, earth-justifying Blow Ya Mind. (Yeah, of course it was Eve's idea. Nothing to do with your shared record company looking for a way to relaunch the flagging No Doubt, of course.) Instead, you've come up with a misguided botch together of the cheapstore ska that you know in your heart is all that the doubt are capable of, and a watered down version of the stuff that Eve does. The Northern Alliance have got more hope of holding together than that mixture has, really. It's hard to know what is more sadly hilarious here - the way the rest of the band are still allowed to pop up in press and video, providing they don't get in the way; the monotonous chanting of 'Hey baby hey' in a bid to cover the lack of any idea, any message, any point to the rest of the lyrics; the fish-eyed lens effect used in the video (what, 1970's Top of the Pops just hit the states, have they?), maginfying the grotesque lack of beauty to any of the band apart from Gwen, and the fact that she clearly doesn't care for hers; Gwen's scouser-market guy "Rock" and "Steady" gold rings... all are bad, but the point where any viewer with a heart is forced to sit down and weep tears of blood at how awful it all is is when Gwen makes the "I'm flashing my bra" move again. Like in the Eve video, only where there it was touching and fitted (Gwen being a good girl led astray by Eve, according to the video backstory) here it just slackens the jaw: You really do think that's sexy, don't you? Hey Gweny Hey Gweny Hey... we've all seen bras before, dear. Zip yourself up...

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