7.56
Like a comic that ceased publication an age ago, but still pushed out an annual, we're firing up to confuse your nan with our once-a-year burst into life to try and work out exactly what the hell is up with Eurovision this year.
As ever, we're going in pretty blind to the songs, although we've seen the reports of car-crash after car-crash behind the scenese.
I'm guessing the football didn't overrun, and so we'll be good to go...
8.01
They're doing a cold open, a bit of business about the trophy being missing. The real problem here is - would anyone even notice if they went ahead without a trophy? It's not like it's the FA Cup or anything.
8.05
Oh. So that's what the trophy looks like.
Nemo is doing their song from last year, the one that is responsible for us all gathering in Basel. Unclear if the that's a hat on their head. Or a wig. Or perhaps an arctic fox.
8.07
Wasn't expecting to hear Yello's Oh Yeah tonight. That's a surprise.
The competitors are doing that coming out bit.
Someone's pleased to see Israel, I see.
Ukraine get cheers from people beyond those who are holding their flag.
Have Latvia sent a bunch of half-people, half-stags?
Graham Norton's running through the rules - pointing out 11 countries got knocked out so "there were worse" songs if you don't enjoy it.
8.13
Had to nip out to feed the cats. They're still streaming onto the stage. This is going to be a long night, isn't it?
There's a trio of hosts and what feels like a smaller stage that we've been used to.
Hosts, left to right:
- someone who is going to be doing a turn in the Clueless musical later
- a Celine Dion tribute act who's got the night off from the steakhouse
- a newsreader who's been allowed to do light ent for the night
8.15
There's an overspill crowd in a stadium next door, like at a Trump rally. Always a good idea to syphon off a load of the atmosphere.
Obligatory bit about bringing the world together through music
8.17
They're showing the scoreboard. UK is at number 8, which is probably as high as we're going to get with whatever they're called has played. (Are they Manic Monday? Love You Til Tuesday? Something like that.)
START VOTING NOW appears on the screen, triggering in particular bursts of activity in office blocks in Tel Aviv.
8.19
Just twenty minutes in and we're actually getting a performance.
1. 🇳🇴 Norway | Kyle Alessandro – Lighter
"I'll be my own lighter" sings Kyle, like some sort of Human Torch.
"I"m not afraid to set it all on fire". Has he been hanging out at Keir Starmer's old houses?
This is way too much fire for the first song.
"I wish none of this was true" he laments. Yeah, you and me both.
Still, extra point for the robotic poncho type thing he's wearing.
8.23
2. 🇱🇺 Luxembourg | Laura Thorn – La Poupée Monte Le Son
Pre-song film of Laura in a sensible anorak running around the mountains.
We find her by peeking through a keyhole of a dollshouse, where she appears to be watching Dusty Springfield.
It's all a bit Truly Scrumptious, doll-brought-to-life vibes.
"Don't blame me, don't blame me" runs the lyric, which we think is entering an official plea.
She delivers, she claims, the electroshocks. Can't comment on the music but the performers so far are real health and safety nightmares with their spontaneous fire and electroconvulsions.
8.27
3. 🇪🇪 Estonia | Tommy Cash – Espresso Macchiato
Tommy Cash is such a Dock Road Saturday night entertainer name.
He's stood outside the Winner's Cafe holding a cup.
Now, I like coffee. I love coffee. This might put me off it.
Ah. One where the dance clearly came first, and they've still not quite got round to writing a song.
FUN FACT: that girl he just pulled from the crowd is Friend's Courtney Cox.
8.31
4. 🇮🇱 Israel | Yuval Raphael – New Day Will Rise
Why are they even here?
"Controversial" says Graham, which is probably the only understatement you're going to have in the entire competition coverage tonight.
Apart from, you know, the whole geopolitics and genocide stuff, this is an awful song.
8.35
5. 🇱🇹 Lithuania | Katarsis – Tavo Akys
Here's Lithuania, like Adrian Juste having to pick up the audience off the floor.
Katarsis are being shown doing graffiti and might get thrown out of the country for hooliganism.
Lucas of Katarsis has got a Nick Tilsley-from-Corrie circa 1992 floppy hair hair thing going on. He's like a weird cross between Billie Eillish and Noel Gallagher.
This is weird, like something from Snub TV has somehow rolled into Eurovision by mistake.
Graham Norton has just made a "the nurse will see you now" joke, which even Wogan might have thought was a bit dated.
8.41
6. 🇪🇸 Spain | Melody – ESA DIVA
Melody has, by some distance, the biggest hat of the evening so far.
Ooh - the train of her dress turns out to be people. That's quite cool.
The hat has gone!
Oh Lord, most of the clothes have gone.
"Equality is my flag, and music is my only enthusiasm" insists Melody. Maybe time to get another hobby, though.
That was quite a brave spin to attempt there. Especially in a leotard so high-cut.
Eurovision friendly, but... lacking something.
8.45
7. 🇺🇦 Ukraine | Ziferblat – Bird of Pray
I've copied the name from the official site, but surely that's a typo? Unless it's about a very religious canary.
I mean, you're not allowed to have a pop at Ukraine and they've got better and more important things to be doing than writing Eurovision entries, but... maybe if they'd just done one song, rather than sent a bunch of little bits of other songs, this might be better.
The drummer, though, has more enthusiasm for music than even Melody could muster.
It looks like the spelling of Pray is intended as a pun. Oh.
8.49
We're at a commercial break fill-in bit. Ms Clueless says that her face has trouble showing emotions. To be honest, that might be a superpower given some of the things you have to avoid wincing at tonight.
They've cut across to the overflow stadium. It's getting dark out there.
The newsreader turns out to be a former contestant. She's reprising her entry. (Fifth place 34 years ago; sounds like the theme to a daytime soap about a medical practice.)
8,55
The BBC have just sent a news alert to let people know that the UK entry is about to go on stage. Unclear if it's a warning or an enticement.
8. 🇬🇧 United Kingdom | Remember Monday – What The Hell Just Happened?
Okay, Wednesday Week, let's see what you've got.
Oh, yes. It's Last Night's Dinner Party.
Why is this song starting like its finishing?
They lyrics are a bit Man, I Feel Like A Woman But I've Got An 9am Zoom Meeting.
Okay, thanks, Sunday Scaries. Go off and practice looking like you're not worrying about the votes coming in from the juries.
8.59
9. 🇦🇹 Austria | JJ – Wasted Love
They've let JJ go and look at a massive cheese library and he looks smug as hell about it and, frankly, don't blame him.
A blurb about him online says he "may be familiar to UK viewers as he appeared on The Voice back in 2020." Yeah. That's like saying he did Pointless in April.
He can really hit the high notes. Are we scoring for that?
9.03
10. 🇮🇸 Iceland | VÆB – RÓA
Due to a technical mix-up, it looks like Jedward are representing Iceland.
Oh, they've bejazzeled their mum's cataract glasses. Nice touch.
The lyrics are lost-at-sea metaphors. Which might be the first song to be metaphorically about itself as well. Meta-metaphor.
"I'm a captain steering at sea, it's a long time since I've seen the sun" - that's some pretty shit steering you're doing.
9.07
11. 🇱🇻 Latvia | Tautumeitas – Bur Man Laimi
This band look like what the Saturday Sausages were shooting for. It's the people with antlers gang.
"Others are making a bridge of copper, I'm making one of oak, the bridge of copper corroded" they cackle, before doing some sort of magicky-witchy stuff.
This won't win, but it bloody should.
Fuck! They've got tails now. What is going on?
This is the sexiest song ever about a civil engineering project disaster investigation.
9.12
12. 🇳🇱 Netherlands | Claude – C’est La Vie
Not that C'est La Vie, sadly.
"It goes up, it goes down, and round and around". Isn't this a Peter Paul and Mary song?
This is one of those Eurovision songs that sound like they've been created to do well enough without landing the country with hosting duties for next year.
9.16
13. 🇫🇮 Finland | Erika Vikman – ICH KOMME
Oh, someone's been raiding Lita Ford's Vinted sales.
This is a sex song set to an ITV game show theme tune.
All fun and games until you're told she's bringing in Stephen Mulhearn to watch.
9.20
Half time. They're showing off the merch.
9.24
I come back from the toilets and there's a Victorian Urchin with massive shoulder pads. This is
14. 🇮🇹 Italy | Lucio Corsi | Volevo Essere Un Duro
The urchin has got a friend whose spiky hair suggests he might have gotten too close to the electrocution woman from earlier in the evening.
9.25
15. 🇵🇱 Poland | Justyna Steczkowska – GAJA
I know Switzerland doesn't have a lot going on, but a lot of these pre-song postcards keep coming up with variations of 'something about skiing', don't they?
"I'm gaia, I'm the creator of your DNA" and I'm not sure you know science works, do you?
She's reached for a violin to try and tie this flabby song together but it's just fiddling at the edges. Oh, please yourselves.
The subtitles rendered what Norton said as "a huge Polish disaster around Europe". I think he actually said diaspora, but the subtitles might be more accurate for the song.
9.31
16. 🇩🇪 Germany | Abor & Tynna – Baller
"Stars fall and bang on my roof" - me, too, Baller, had to throw a bucket of water over Zendaya and Tom Holland last night, only way I was going to get any sleep.
She looks a little bit like Lorde, and she's accompanied by a bloke with a neon stringed instrument that he probably chose because nobody else plays it - is is a single bass?
Norton says this is the best German entry for a long time, but really it was about as welcome as that one they did into the Sudetenland.
9.35
We're getting a look behind the scenes. Eurovision is a tightly-run ship, they keep stressing. And yet every year it overruns by about half an hour.
Celine Dion says "who knows, maybe the winner has already been performed" - which basically means we could be about to watch a dozen losers in a row.
9.38
17. 🇬🇷 Greece | Klavdia – Asteromáta
Bloody hell, it's Nana Mouskouri
9.43
18. 🇦🇲 Armenia | PARG – SURVIVOR
444433444444ëee433ee4444e444e4er4e53
(Not me losing it because he's got no shirt and leather kegs; I actually dropped cake frosting on the keyboard)
It's hard to be fair to this song because of the cake disaster, but it sounded a bit like someone trying to write a beer commercial.
9.47
19. 🇨🇭 Switzerland | Zoë Më – Voyage
The home team. They've sent her to a container port, which I guess is fair enough as she's probably already been skiing.
"One day, you'll understand that flowers are more beautiful when you water them".
Alright, Titchmarsh.
I know not every song needs to be accompanied by a box of indoor fireworks and two-dozen dancing gimps, but not sure this 'one long shot of someone singing' quite meets the needs of Saturday night entertainment.
The song suddenly comes to life just as its about to end.
9.51
20. 🇲🇹 Malta | Miriana Conte – SERVING
Miriana says she has queen energy, which might be why she's come dressed as a giant bee.
This has, for the first time in a long time, made me wonder what Normski is up to these days.
9.55
21. 🇵🇹 Portugal | NAPA – Deslocado
"as in naptime" says Norton, which doesn't fill us full of hope.
Oh hold on, there's something potentially Sebadoh about them.
The Sebadoh possibility vanished when the song started.
I was wondering if the rhythm section was actually going to add something to the song, and then they kicked in and, no they did not add to the song.
"Mom, Look out of the window, I'm coming". And for god's sake knock before you come into bedroom next time.
9.59
22. 🇩🇰 Denmark | Sissal – Hallucination
Sissal is wearing the flayed flesh of a dozen skinned Pierrot clowns.
She's now being menaced by their ghosts and, like many other acts tonight, she's stripped down to a spangly leotard. With cape.
"You're my hallucination" she's singing, which is a clear song the lyrics were written by AI.
This is very Hitman And Her friendly.
10.04
Taking a break now for a song about how great Switzerland is which, if anything, is going to make it unlikely any power will respect their neutrality in the next war.
10.05
23. 🇸🇪 Sweden | KAJ – Bara Bada Bastu
I think this postcard is trying to pass sumo off as being Swiss, which might be a sign they've run out of Swiss things to share.
This is giving off 'Adam Hills doing a closing song on The Last Leg' vibes.
It's a love song to saunas, which are of course the only thing that comes from Sweden apart from Volvos, porn and Abba, and none of those three are what they once were.
This is the one that Malmo was so afraid of it winning they've already said they won't host next year, not at all. Not for a gold clock.
10.10
Another break. The presenters have nipped over to the stadium next door where everyone seems to be having a good time. Possibly more than the fans in the room.
Ah, we've reached the bit where they go 'remember when Abba won? That was good, wasn't it?" which has become mandatory for Eurovision nowadays.
10.13
24. 🇫🇷 France | Louane – maman
Ice cream! People in Switzerland eat ice cream. Let's do a postcard of a contestant eating ice-cream.
Back in the studio, Louane is playing in a massive sand pit.
I think it's meant to be the sands of time, but literally presented.
This is actually quite an interesting choice of subject - she's saying that now she's a mother, her own mum, can basically fuck off.
Or maybe she's overcoming grief at the death of her mother?
Anyway, cheery thoughts for the fun song contest. Thanks, France.
10.17
25. 🇸🇲 San Marino | Gabry Ponte – Tutta L’Italia
San Marino! Plucky little guys! Thanks for showing up.
For some reason, the backdrop appears to be a massive Mark Gatiss statue.
Song seems to be some sort of beef with Italy and I'm guessing it's passed some sort of "they can't be racist because they're so cheeky" stereotyping check.
The subtitles give up halfway through and just go with "vocalising".
10.21
26. 🇦🇱 Albania | Shkodra Elektronike – Zjerm
I mean, they deserve a vote after they handed Starmer his arse on live TV this week, surely?
Final song of the night!
There is a very long instrumental stretch here which seems a bit of a cheat...
Now the lyrics have started again: "Sleepwalking to be free" sounds a bit techbro.
10.25
So, I'm casting my vote for Latvia.
The camera is swooping around the not-a-green-room box in which all the acts have been corralled.
A bunch of reminders are running again.
10.43
There was a bunch of unforgettable Switzerland Eurovision acts. I missed the whole lot and got back in time to see the recap running again.
The BSL during Finland was sensational #Eurovision
[image or embed]
— Scott Bryan (@scottygb.bsky.social) May 17, 2025 at 9:23 PM
10.48
We're having a rock battle between Kaaraja and Baby lasagna from the last two Eurovisions which, I guess is somewhere between "a deep cut" and "fan service".
10.58
Nemo's turned up to do another song. I think we've reached "you've delighted us enough already" here.
23.02
Another recap of voting. I suppose since everyone can vote 20 times, you might need another refresher here.
23.03
Graham Norton is reading out a list of people in places who are probably watching Eurovision or something. Meanwhile... scandal. And then not.
Oh, don't panic, you can now bet on them again at 375/1. They were just lengthening the odds! What a crap and short-lived conspiracy of mine that was.
[image or embed]
— David Bryant (@23daves.bsky.social) May 17, 2025 at 11:00 PM
23.05
Norton still going with the list of people. Eurovision still running the recap of numbers to call. More filler than an episode of the Kardashians.
23.07
Jury time! In which i type a lot of stuff nobody will ever read.
They say someone's life is going to change tonight, which seems a bit of an overstatement, unless they've been loosening the bolts on the lights during the interval.
Oh, Getting some more green room chat first.
23.10
Now we get to the meat of it.
"We have a ballad final results" says the subtitle - typo OR SPOILER?
Sweden are delivering votes from a Sauna, of course, as Abba's bedroom is booked for the night. 12 to Austria.
Azerbaijan's Saufra is talking way too much. 12 to... Israel. Bit of booing in the room.
Malta is represented by someone out of Dune. 12 to Aremnia.
UK still on zero, of course.
23.13
That dress looks scratchy as fuck, Netherlands. 12 for Austria.
Slovenia's got a sophisticated off-the-shoulder number, also not voting for the UK, 12 to Italy.
No obvious leader at the moment.
Armenia is wearing a ridiculously over-elaborate necklace - 12 to France.
23.15
Remember Monday largely forgoitten - oh, six from Luxembourg though. Their big points go to France as well.
Mel B is doing the scores for San Marino; also thrown a couple to the UK and 12 to Italy.
Nice to see someone with Kyiv behind them who isn't reporting on an atrocity. Ukraine's given 10 to UK and 12 to Germany.
First man of the evening is a Norwegian dressed as a gay shepherd. 7 for UK, 12 for Austria. Austria starting to build a small lead.
23.19
One of the hosts has said "I wish I could take a picture". Didn't you set the VHS before you came out?
Austria has an equality t-shirt - that's going to piss off the people doing the 'no slogan' rules.7 to UK, 12 to Finland.
France, and we're back to women in posh frocks. In front of the Eiffel Tower as usual. Douze to Albania.
23.21
What the fuck? Italy have sent an animated mouse.
Or maybe it's a rat.
Or an enchanted child.
12 to the UK, though. UK climbing slowly up the table.
23.22
Portugal have wrapped up warm. Maybe the electricity is off again. 2 to UK, 12 to Italy.
Denmark's borrowed her sister's pulling dress. Didn't have time to take it in. UK 4, 12 to Latvia.
23.23
Croatia have given 12 to Italy
The guy from Latvia is just getting back into dating after his third divorce. 12 to Austria, who are now nipping and tucking with Switzerland. Switzerland are doing well on second and third place votes.
Ireland are also recently divorced, and also giving 12 to Austria. 2 to UK. Take that, Terry Wogan.
Poland have sent Jessica Ennis to do the score. 1 for UK, 12 for Switzerland. Lads, Switzerland can't win again, they've used up all their ideas for pre-song postcards.
Montenegro have taken a break from blood sacrifices to give 12 to Greece.
17 more juries to go.
They're talking to current leader, JJ from Austria. "What is going through your head?" "Nothing."
I mean, I'm all for not getting too excited, but even I might have the odd thought in this situation. Even if it was about the cheese they showed me earlier on.
23.29
UK currently in 10th, so not a total national humiliation this year. Yet. But a lot of votes still to go.
Greece are pregnant and looking like they're kind of wishing they'd not bothered. 12 to France.
Serbia's presenter is called Dragana. Or possibly Drag Anna. Could be either. Also 12 to France. They've got a gap to close, but it's still possible for them.
Czechia give 10 to the UK and 12 to Germany.
23.32
Sophie Ellis-Bextor has stepped into Ncuti's shoes (hmm) Our jury has given 12 to Latvia.
Spain are showing a bit of leg in a really, really uncomfortable way. 6 to UK, 12 to Switzerland.
Finland - is that national costume? Is it a fashion project? UK 5; 12 to Austria.
Israel are currently just below the midway point.
23.35
Australia are giving the most SAustralia you can imagine. 12 to Greece. Nothing to the mother country.
Germany has got Youth Club Pastor vibes. 12 to Austria. (Terry Wogans' ghost is going to love that)
Belgium have sent Penn Jillete to deliver 12 for Austria.
Israel have sent a woman not wearing a shirt. Last year's entrant, apparently. They give 12 to Greece. Greece try to look like they're not embarrassed.
23.38
Albania have sent someone who should be helping choose the wine for a wedding party. 12 to France.
Lithuania's turned up wearing a bacofoil jacket. Maybe they just did a marathon. 12 to Latvia, who should be storming this IF THERE WAS ANY JUSTICE IN THE WORLD.
Iceland couldn't choose between casual and sophisticated and instead look like they've been called to the hospital from a karaoke night. 12 to Sweden, 5 to UK
Georgia appears to be in a wind tunnel. 12 to Italy.
23.41
Cyprus. Might be an off-duty traffic warden. 12 to Greece.
Estonia have gone home but the security guy is still here to give 5 to the UK and 12 to Switzerland.
Last jury now, Switzerland, and their jury appears to be being held hostage in the stadium next door. 4 to UK; 12 to Italy.
23.44
Time now for Graham to remind us that the public vote can change everything - even the fabric of time itself.
But let's take a look at the old scoreboard:
23.48
Time for the public to share their votes, which history tells us is often a shit idea.
They're running through the maths. Literally the entire continent's attention is drifting away at this point.
Iceland have got 33 which are their first points of the evening. Nobody gets nothing tonight.
Quite a lot of people getting a lot fewer points than they were expecting.
Albania, on the other hand, get a shedload and leap almost the whole of the table. Not enough to win.
Oh, Israel have got a lot of points. <insert conspiracy theory here>.
23.51
Malta only got 8 points.
UK's vote now... Zero. Again. Boy, everyone hates us. I don't think they deserved that.
23.55
Sweden haven't done well enough to dislodge Israel. Next year could be... awful, at this rate.
France get 50. Only Austria and Switzerland could save next year's Eurovision.
23.57
This is tense for all the wrong reasons.
NO POINTS for Switzerland? What the fuck?
They're dragging it out. Can Austria do it?
Midnight
Phew!
178 points. By a whisker.
So next year it'll be sachertortes and... well, more skiing, I guess.
The UK voted like this:
Irritatingly, they didn't display the final places on the screen.
00.05
JJ is about to reprise his song, now, officially, The Song That Saved The Song Contest. He's leaning on the podium with the trophy on, and it looks as wobbly as the whole endeavour did a few moments ago.
Well.
Slightly blurry final score just landed.
JJ was very excited about the confetti. That's a nice note to end on.
Thanks for sharing. Maybe - like the Shiver And Shake Annual - see you next year?
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