Eurovision 2025 Liveblog

7.56

Like a comic that ceased publication an age ago, but still pushed out an annual, we're firing up to confuse your nan with our once-a-year burst into life to try and work out exactly what the hell is up with Eurovision this year. 

As ever, we're going in pretty blind to the songs, although we've seen the reports of car-crash after car-crash behind the scenese. 

I'm guessing the football didn't overrun, and so we'll be good to go...

8.01

They're doing a cold open, a bit of business about the trophy being missing. The real problem here is - would anyone even notice if they went ahead without a trophy? It's not like it's the FA Cup or anything.

8.05

Oh. So that's what the trophy looks like.

Nemo is doing their song from last year, the one that is responsible for us all gathering in Basel. Unclear if the that's a hat on their head. Or a wig. Or perhaps an arctic fox.

8.07

Wasn't expecting to hear Yello's Oh Yeah tonight. That's a surprise.

The competitors are doing that coming out bit.

Someone's pleased to see Israel, I see.

Ukraine get cheers from people beyond those who are holding their flag.

Have Latvia sent a bunch of half-people, half-stags?

Graham Norton's running through the rules - pointing out 11 countries got knocked out so "there were worse" songs if you don't enjoy it.

8.13

Had to nip out to feed the cats. They're still streaming onto the stage. This is going to be a long night, isn't it?

There's a trio of hosts and what feels like a smaller stage that we've been used to.

Hosts, left to right:

- someone who is going to be doing a turn in the Clueless musical later

- a Celine Dion tribute act who's got the night off from the steakhouse

- a newsreader who's been allowed to do light ent for the night

8.15

There's an overspill crowd in a stadium next door, like at a Trump rally. Always a good idea to syphon off a load of the atmosphere.

Obligatory bit about bringing the world together through music

8.17

They're showing the scoreboard. UK is at number 8, which is probably as high as we're going to get with whatever they're called has played. (Are they Manic Monday? Love You Til Tuesday? Something like that.)

START VOTING NOW appears on the screen, triggering in particular bursts of activity in office blocks in Tel Aviv.

8.19

Just twenty minutes in and we're actually getting a performance.

1. 🇳🇴 Norway | Kyle Alessandro – Lighter 

"I'll be my own lighter" sings Kyle, like some sort of Human Torch.

"I"m not afraid to set it all on fire". Has he been hanging out at Keir Starmer's old houses?

This is way too much fire for the first song.

"I wish none of this was true" he laments. Yeah, you and me both.

Still, extra point for the robotic poncho type thing he's wearing.

8.23

2. 🇱🇺 Luxembourg | Laura Thorn – La Poupée Monte Le Son

Pre-song film of Laura in a sensible anorak running around the mountains.

We find her by peeking through a keyhole of a dollshouse, where she appears to be watching Dusty Springfield.

It's all a bit Truly Scrumptious, doll-brought-to-life vibes.

"Don't blame me, don't blame me" runs the lyric, which we think is entering an official plea.

She delivers, she claims, the electroshocks. Can't comment on the music but the performers so far are real health and safety nightmares with their spontaneous fire and electroconvulsions.

8.27

3. 🇪🇪 Estonia | Tommy Cash – Espresso Macchiato

Tommy Cash is such a Dock Road Saturday night entertainer name.

He's stood outside the Winner's Cafe holding a cup.

Now, I like coffee. I love coffee. This might put me off it.

Ah. One where the dance clearly came first, and they've still not quite got round to writing a song.

FUN FACT: that girl he just pulled from the crowd is Friend's Courtney Cox.

8.31

4. 🇮🇱 Israel | Yuval Raphael – New Day Will Rise

Why are they even here?

"Controversial" says Graham, which is probably the only understatement you're going to have in the entire competition coverage tonight.

Apart from, you know, the whole geopolitics and genocide stuff, this is an awful song. 

8.35

5. 🇱🇹 Lithuania | Katarsis – Tavo Akys

Here's Lithuania, like Adrian Juste having to pick up the audience off the floor.

Katarsis are being shown doing graffiti and might get thrown out of the country for hooliganism.

Lucas of Katarsis has got a Nick Tilsley-from-Corrie circa 1992 floppy hair hair thing going on. He's like a weird cross between Billie Eillish and Noel Gallagher.

This is weird, like something from Snub TV has somehow rolled into Eurovision by mistake.

Graham Norton has just made a "the nurse will see you now" joke, which even Wogan might have thought was a bit dated.

8.41

6. 🇪🇸 Spain | Melody – ESA DIVA

Melody has, by some distance, the biggest hat of the evening so far.

Ooh - the train of her dress turns out to be people. That's quite cool.

The hat has gone!

Oh Lord, most of the clothes have gone.

"Equality is my flag, and music is my only enthusiasm" insists Melody. Maybe time to get another hobby, though.

That was quite a brave spin to attempt there. Especially in a leotard so high-cut.

Eurovision friendly, but... lacking something.

8.45

7. 🇺🇦 Ukraine | Ziferblat – Bird of Pray

I've copied the name from the official site, but surely that's a typo? Unless it's about a very religious canary.

I mean, you're not allowed to have a pop at Ukraine and they've got better and more important things to be doing than writing Eurovision entries, but... maybe if they'd just done one song, rather than sent a bunch of little bits of other songs, this might be better.

The drummer, though, has more enthusiasm for music than even Melody could muster.

It looks like the spelling of Pray is intended as a pun. Oh.

8.49

We're at a commercial break fill-in bit. Ms Clueless says that her face has trouble showing emotions. To be honest, that might be a superpower given some of the things you have to avoid wincing at tonight.

They've cut across to the overflow stadium. It's getting dark out there.

The newsreader turns out to be a former contestant. She's reprising her entry. (Fifth place 34 years ago; sounds like the theme to a daytime soap about a medical practice.)

8,55

The BBC have just sent a news alert to let people know that the UK entry is about to go on stage. Unclear if it's a warning or an enticement.

8. 🇬🇧 United Kingdom | Remember Monday – What The Hell Just Happened?

Okay, Wednesday Week, let's see what you've got.

Oh, yes. It's Last Night's Dinner Party.

Why is this song starting like its finishing?

They lyrics are a bit Man, I Feel Like A Woman But I've Got An 9am Zoom Meeting.

Okay, thanks, Sunday Scaries. Go off and practice looking like you're not worrying about the votes coming in from the juries.

8.59

9. 🇦🇹 Austria | JJ – Wasted Love

They've let JJ go and look at a massive cheese library and he looks smug as hell about it and, frankly, don't blame him.

A blurb about him online says he "may be familiar to UK viewers as he appeared on The Voice back in 2020." Yeah. That's like saying he did Pointless in April.

He can really hit the high notes. Are we scoring for that?

9.03

10. 🇮🇸 Iceland | VÆB – RÓA

Due to a technical mix-up, it looks like Jedward are representing Iceland.

Oh, they've bejazzeled their mum's cataract glasses. Nice touch.

The lyrics are lost-at-sea metaphors. Which might be the first song to be metaphorically about itself as well. Meta-metaphor.

"I'm a captain steering at sea, it's a long time since I've seen the sun" - that's some pretty shit steering you're doing.

9.07

11. 🇱🇻 Latvia | Tautumeitas – Bur Man Laimi

This band look like what  the Saturday Sausages were shooting for. It's the people with antlers gang.

"Others are making a bridge of copper, I'm making one of oak, the bridge of copper corroded" they cackle, before doing some sort of magicky-witchy stuff. 

This won't win, but it bloody should.

Fuck! They've got tails now. What is going on?

This is the sexiest song ever about a civil engineering project disaster investigation.

9.12
12. 🇳🇱 Netherlands | Claude – C’est La Vie

Not that C'est La Vie, sadly.

"It goes up, it goes down, and round and around". Isn't this a Peter Paul and Mary song?

This is one of those Eurovision songs that sound like they've been created to do well enough without landing the country with hosting duties for next year.

9.16

13. 🇫🇮 Finland | Erika Vikman – ICH KOMME

Oh, someone's been raiding Lita Ford's Vinted sales.

This is a sex song set to an ITV game show theme tune.

All fun and games until you're told she's bringing in Stephen Mulhearn to watch.

9.20

Half time. They're showing off the merch.

9.24

I come back from the toilets and there's a Victorian Urchin with massive shoulder pads. This is
14. 🇮🇹 Italy | Lucio Corsi | Volevo Essere Un Duro

The urchin has got a friend whose spiky hair suggests he might have gotten too close to the electrocution woman from earlier in the evening.

9.25

15. 🇵🇱 Poland | Justyna Steczkowska – GAJA

I know Switzerland doesn't have a lot going on, but a lot of these pre-song postcards keep coming up with variations of 'something about skiing', don't they?

"I'm gaia, I'm the creator of your DNA" and I'm not sure you know science works, do you?

She's reached for a violin to try and tie this flabby song together but it's just fiddling at the edges. Oh, please yourselves.

The subtitles rendered what Norton said as "a huge Polish disaster around Europe". I think he actually said diaspora, but the subtitles might be more accurate for the song.

9.31

16. 🇩🇪 Germany | Abor & Tynna – Baller

"Stars fall and bang on my roof" - me, too, Baller, had to throw a bucket of water over Zendaya and Tom Holland last night, only way I was going to get any sleep.

She looks a little bit like Lorde, and she's accompanied by a bloke with a neon stringed instrument that he probably chose because nobody else plays it - is is a single bass? 

Norton says this is the best German entry for a long time, but really it was about as welcome as that one they did into the Sudetenland.

9.35

We're getting a look behind the scenes. Eurovision is a tightly-run ship, they keep stressing. And yet every year it overruns by about half an hour.

Celine Dion says "who knows, maybe the winner has already been performed" - which basically means we could be about to watch a dozen losers in a row.

9.38

17. 🇬🇷 Greece | Klavdia – Asteromáta

Bloody hell, it's Nana Mouskouri

9.43

18. 🇦🇲 Armenia | PARG – SURVIVOR

444433444444ëee433ee4444e444e4er4e53

(Not me losing it because he's got no shirt and leather kegs; I actually dropped cake frosting on the keyboard)

It's hard to be fair to this song because of the cake disaster, but it sounded a bit like someone trying to write a beer commercial.

9.47

19. 🇨🇭 Switzerland | Zoë Më – Voyage

The home team. They've sent her to a container port, which I guess is fair enough as she's probably already been skiing.

"One day, you'll understand that flowers are more beautiful when you water them".

Alright, Titchmarsh.

I know not every song needs to be accompanied by a box of indoor fireworks and two-dozen dancing gimps, but not sure this 'one long shot of someone singing' quite meets the needs of Saturday night entertainment.

The song suddenly comes to life just as its about to end.

9.51

20. 🇲🇹 Malta | Miriana Conte – SERVING

Miriana says she has queen energy, which might be why she's come dressed as a giant bee.

This has, for the first time in a long time, made me wonder what Normski is up to these days.

Selling photos online, it turns out.

9.55

21. 🇵🇹 Portugal | NAPA – Deslocado

"as in naptime" says Norton, which doesn't fill us full of hope.

Oh hold on, there's something potentially Sebadoh about them.

The Sebadoh possibility vanished when the song started.

I was wondering if the rhythm section was actually going to add something to the song, and then they kicked in and, no they did not add to the song.

"Mom, Look out of the window, I'm coming". And for god's sake knock before you come into bedroom next time.

9.59

22. 🇩🇰 Denmark | Sissal – Hallucination

Sissal is wearing the flayed flesh of a dozen skinned Pierrot clowns.

She's now being menaced by their ghosts and, like many other acts tonight, she's stripped down to a spangly leotard. With cape.

"You're my hallucination" she's singing, which is a clear song the lyrics were written by AI.

This is very Hitman And Her friendly.

10.04

Taking a break now for a song about how great Switzerland is which, if anything, is going to make it unlikely any power will respect their neutrality in the next war.

10.05

23. 🇸🇪 Sweden | KAJ – Bara Bada Bastu

I think this postcard is trying to pass sumo off as being Swiss, which might be a sign they've run out of Swiss things to share.

This is giving off 'Adam Hills doing a closing song on The Last Leg' vibes.

It's a love song to saunas, which are of course the only thing that comes from Sweden apart from Volvos, porn and Abba, and none of those three are what they once were.

This is the one that Malmo was so afraid of it winning they've already said they won't host next year, not at all. Not for a gold clock.

10.10

Another break. The presenters have nipped over to the stadium next door where everyone seems to be having a good time. Possibly more than the fans in the room.

Ah, we've reached the bit where they go 'remember when Abba won? That was good, wasn't it?" which has become mandatory for Eurovision nowadays.

10.13

24. 🇫🇷 France | Louane – maman

Ice cream! People in Switzerland eat ice cream. Let's do a postcard of a contestant eating ice-cream.

Back in the studio, Louane is playing in a massive sand pit.

I think it's meant to be the sands of time, but literally presented. 

This is actually quite an interesting choice of subject - she's saying that now she's a mother, her own mum, can basically fuck off.

Or maybe she's overcoming grief at the death of her mother?

Anyway, cheery thoughts for the fun song contest. Thanks, France.

10.17

25. 🇸🇲 San Marino | Gabry Ponte – Tutta L’Italia

San Marino! Plucky little guys! Thanks for showing up.

For some reason, the backdrop appears to be a massive Mark Gatiss statue.

Song seems to be some sort of beef with Italy and I'm guessing it's passed some sort of "they can't be racist because they're so cheeky" stereotyping check.

The subtitles give up halfway through and just go with "vocalising".

10.21

26. 🇦🇱 Albania | Shkodra Elektronike – Zjerm

I mean, they deserve a vote after they handed Starmer his arse on live TV this week, surely?

Final song of the night!

There is a very long instrumental stretch here which seems a bit of a cheat...

Now the lyrics have started again: "Sleepwalking to be free" sounds a bit techbro.

10.25

So, I'm casting my vote for Latvia. 

The camera is swooping around the not-a-green-room box in which all the acts have been corralled.

A bunch of reminders are running again.

10.43

There was a bunch of unforgettable Switzerland Eurovision acts. I missed the whole lot and got back in time to see the recap running again.

The BSL during Finland was sensational #Eurovision

[image or embed]

— Scott Bryan (@scottygb.bsky.social) May 17, 2025 at 9:23 PM

10.48

We're having a rock battle between Kaaraja and Baby lasagna from the last two Eurovisions which, I guess is somewhere between "a deep cut" and "fan service".

10.58

Nemo's turned up to do another song. I think we've reached "you've delighted us enough already" here.

23.02

Another recap of voting. I suppose since everyone can vote 20 times, you might need another refresher here.

23.03

Graham Norton is reading out a list of people in places who are probably watching Eurovision or something. Meanwhile... scandal. And then not.

Oh, don't panic, you can now bet on them again at 375/1. They were just lengthening the odds! What a crap and short-lived conspiracy of mine that was.

[image or embed]

— David Bryant (@23daves.bsky.social) May 17, 2025 at 11:00 PM

23.05

Norton still going with the list of people. Eurovision still running the recap of numbers to call. More filler than an episode of the Kardashians. 

23.07

Jury time! In which i type a lot of stuff nobody will ever read.

They say someone's life is going to change tonight, which seems a bit of an overstatement, unless they've been loosening the bolts on the lights during the interval.

Oh, Getting some more green room chat first.

23.10

Now we get to the meat of it.

"We have a ballad final results" says the subtitle - typo OR SPOILER?

Sweden are delivering votes from a Sauna, of course, as Abba's bedroom is booked for the night. 12 to Austria.

Azerbaijan's Saufra is talking way too much. 12 to... Israel. Bit of booing in the room.

Malta is represented by someone out of Dune. 12 to Aremnia.

UK still on zero, of course.

23.13

That dress looks scratchy as fuck, Netherlands. 12 for Austria.

Slovenia's got a sophisticated off-the-shoulder number, also not voting for the UK, 12 to Italy.

No obvious leader at the moment.

Armenia is wearing a ridiculously over-elaborate necklace - 12 to France. 

23.15

Remember Monday largely forgoitten - oh, six from Luxembourg though. Their big points go to France as well.

Mel B is doing the scores for San Marino; also thrown a couple to the UK and 12 to Italy.

Nice to see someone with Kyiv behind them who isn't reporting on an atrocity. Ukraine's given 10 to UK and 12 to Germany.

First man of the evening is a Norwegian dressed as a gay shepherd. 7 for UK, 12 for Austria. Austria starting to build a small lead.

23.19

One of the hosts has said "I wish I could take a picture". Didn't you set the VHS before you came out?

Austria has an equality t-shirt - that's going to piss off the people doing the 'no slogan' rules.7 to UK, 12 to Finland.

France, and we're back to women in posh frocks. In front of the Eiffel Tower as usual. Douze to Albania.

23.21

What the fuck? Italy have sent an animated mouse.

Or maybe it's a rat.

Or an enchanted child.

12 to the UK, though. UK climbing slowly up the table.

23.22

Portugal have wrapped up warm. Maybe the electricity is off again. 2 to UK, 12 to Italy.

Denmark's borrowed her sister's pulling dress. Didn't have time to take it in. UK 4,  12 to Latvia.

23.23

Croatia have given 12 to Italy

The guy from Latvia is just getting back into dating after his third divorce. 12 to Austria, who are now nipping and tucking with Switzerland. Switzerland are doing well on second and third place votes.

Ireland are also recently divorced, and also giving 12 to Austria. 2 to UK. Take that, Terry Wogan.

Poland have sent Jessica Ennis to do the score. 1 for UK, 12 for Switzerland. Lads, Switzerland can't win again, they've used up all their ideas for pre-song postcards.

Montenegro have taken a break from blood sacrifices to give 12 to Greece.

17 more juries to go.

They're talking to current leader, JJ from Austria. "What is going through your head?" "Nothing."

I mean, I'm all for not getting too excited, but even I might have the odd thought in this situation. Even if it was about the cheese they showed me earlier on.

23.29

UK currently in 10th, so not a total national humiliation this year. Yet. But a lot of votes still to go.

Greece are pregnant and looking like they're kind of wishing they'd not bothered. 12 to France.

Serbia's presenter is called Dragana. Or possibly Drag Anna. Could be either. Also 12 to France. They've got a gap to close, but it's still possible for them.

Czechia give 10 to the UK and 12 to Germany.

23.32

Sophie Ellis-Bextor has stepped into Ncuti's shoes (hmm) Our jury has given 12 to Latvia.

Spain are showing a bit of leg in a really, really uncomfortable way. 6 to UK,  12 to Switzerland.

Finland - is that national costume? Is it a fashion project? UK 5; 12 to Austria.

Israel are currently just below the midway point.

23.35

Australia are giving the most SAustralia you can imagine. 12 to Greece. Nothing to the mother country.

Germany has got Youth Club Pastor vibes. 12 to Austria. (Terry Wogans' ghost is going to love that)

Belgium have sent Penn Jillete to deliver 12 for Austria.

Israel have sent a woman not wearing a shirt. Last year's entrant, apparently. They give 12 to Greece. Greece try to look like they're not embarrassed.

23.38

Albania have sent someone who should be helping choose the wine for a wedding party. 12 to France.

Lithuania's turned up wearing a bacofoil jacket. Maybe they just did a marathon. 12 to Latvia, who should be storming this IF THERE WAS ANY JUSTICE IN THE WORLD.

Iceland couldn't choose between casual and sophisticated and instead look like they've been called to the hospital from a karaoke night. 12 to Sweden, 5 to UK

Georgia appears to be in a wind tunnel. 12 to Italy.

23.41

Cyprus. Might be an off-duty traffic warden. 12 to Greece.

Estonia have gone home but the security guy is still here to give 5 to the UK and 12 to Switzerland.

Last jury now, Switzerland, and their jury appears to be being held hostage in the stadium next door. 4 to UK; 12 to Italy.

23.44

Time now for Graham to remind us that the public vote can change everything - even the fabric of time itself.

But let's take a look at the old scoreboard:

 23.48

Time for the public to share their votes, which history tells us is often a shit idea.

They're running through the maths. Literally the entire continent's attention is drifting away at this point.

Iceland have got 33 which are their first points of the evening. Nobody gets nothing tonight.

Quite a lot of people getting a lot fewer points than they were expecting.

Albania, on the other hand, get a shedload and leap almost the whole of the table. Not enough to win.

Oh, Israel have got a lot of points. <insert conspiracy theory here>.

23.51

Malta only got 8 points.

UK's vote now... Zero. Again. Boy, everyone hates us. I don't think they deserved that.

23.55

Sweden haven't done well enough to dislodge Israel. Next year could be... awful, at this rate.

France get 50. Only Austria and Switzerland could save next year's Eurovision.

23.57

This is tense for all the wrong reasons.

NO POINTS for Switzerland? What the fuck?

They're dragging it out. Can Austria do it?

 Midnight

Phew!

178 points. By a whisker.

So next year it'll be sachertortes and... well, more skiing, I guess.

The UK voted like this:

Irritatingly, they didn't display the final places on the screen.

00.05

JJ is about to reprise his song, now, officially, The Song That Saved The Song Contest. He's leaning on the podium with the trophy on, and it looks as wobbly as the whole endeavour did a few moments ago.

Well. 

Slightly blurry final score just landed.

JJ was very excited about the confetti. That's a nice note to end on.

Thanks for sharing. Maybe - like the Shiver And Shake Annual - see you next year?

Norton my watch: Madonna meets Graham

The most useful thing about last night's Madonna appearance on the usually quite-good Graham Norton chatshow was it demonstrated how well the regular format works. All the guests, on stage for all the programme, makes something watchable.

Madonna, though, didn't have to share. This, in itself, was distracting. Why was Madge given the sofa to herself? Was that an offer from Norton's side? That seems unlikely; stars bigger and better than Madonna have squeezed in alongside others.

So was it a demand from Madonna, or her people? Was the cost of getting her on the show an edict that she wouldn't be sitting alongside, say, Nick Knowles and Mark Watson for the duration?

If so, it was a terrible deal for both sides. Shorn of the usual dynamic, Norton's show dragged like the late-period Jonathan Ross on in the same slot used to. For Madonna, she visibly relaxed and her performance improved when she did get some team-mates - the stars of her Wallace Simpson film were brough on towards the end. Madonna, and the viewers, were thankful for the assistance.

Oh, and what a film she's made. If the two tiny clips from WE had been chosen to try and fight against the early notices, they didn't choose well. Clip one was all spinning headlines and newsreel establishment, like the worst sort of wartime potboiler; the second featured stilted dialogue, horrible editing and a ballroom of people dancing to different music from the one on the soundtrack. The suspicion is that Andrea Riseborough took the role as a bet to see if her acting could breathe life into anything; the sense is that she's lost that bet.

Madonna was unintentionally hilarious when talking about making the film, suggesting that she was worried that she might somehow upset the Royal Family by telling a story about the former King. Odd, given that she did so much research it never occurred to her that ITV's 1978 Edward And Mrs Simpson series might have been the point where the Windsors figured that the tale was in the public domain.

There was an awkward sequence with two Italian fans who create Madonna dolls; to be fair to the pop star, I think she was trying for ironic, warm amusement but - curiously unable to show emotion on her face - she spent most of the segment staring at these two men who clearly adored her as if they were gun-toting simpletons.

Being mainly designed to try and drag WE out the dumper, there wasn't very much about music; everyone pretended they hadn't already heard the MDNA album title and pretended that it was a clever rather than desperate idea.

They did touch on piracy, though, Graham and Madge clumping through what sounded like a prearranged trot through 'these people say they're my fans but they access my music illegally' set-piece. This was the biggest failure of the hour; surely, surely, any organic discussion of piracy where a millionaire announces that she's had a bloke thrown in prison for the "criminal offence" of having one or two of her tunes before he should demands some sort of follow-up question. Or at the very least, a cheeky 'if he's heard the song before the production goes on, surely he's suffered enough?'

Instead, this looked like a handing of a chunk of primetime BBC One to a businessperson to push a certain political line on piracy which went totally unchallenged.

The big question, then: Madonna on the show, a new album in the offing - what sort of song did she do?

None, of course. Emili Sande was dragged on to do the performance. Madonna is Madonna. You don't think she's going to sing for her supper, do you?

Gordon in the morning: Last night's television

Obviously, most of this morning's newspapers are just detailed explanations of what was on the television yesterday, so it's perhaps in keeping that Gordon Smart is reduced to more-or-less transcribing chunks of yesterday's Graham Norton show.

I wonder how Gordon's boss Rupert Murdoch would feel about that?

He told a National Press Club event at George Washington University that the newspaper industry had to stand up for itself and charge for content while using copyright law to defend its journalism from being used without permission.

"We are going to stop people like Google or Microsoft or whoever from taking stories for nothing … there is a law of copyright and they recognise it," Murdoch told a packed audience of students, journalists and other media professionals.

He said search engines had tapped into a "river of gold" by aggregating content but that the days of free news had to come to an end. "They take [news content] for nothing. They have got this very clever business model," he said.

God, yes, Rupert. How awful that people use other people's content without paying. When will you tell Gordon to stop doing that, exactly?

Liveblog: Eurovision 2009

7.50
And so, after a fallow year (actually, I was beyond the reach of even the European Broadcasting Union's powers of transnational transmission) it's the return of No Rock's Eurovision Liveblog. Back in 2007, I managed to upset someone from Norway (or wherever it was) because I failed to show enough respect to their between-tracks microfilms; given the fabulous intolerance of Muscovites - demonstrated by the crushing of today's gay pride march - I hope there's nothing in any way amusing about the telecast at all.

This year's event is being shown in HD, which is not so much of a leap forward as the programme going on without Terry Wogan commentating like a brigadier locked in a wine cellar awaiting the arrival of the Cossack hordes. Graham Norton is apparently planning to chair with dignity. Which is probably more than it would deserve.

The UK is fielding Jade, of course, with Andrew Lloyd Webber's terrible song. Or "Sir Andrew Lloyd" as hapless 2008 punchline Andy Abraham called him this morning. ALW is putting his reputation on the line for this year's concert. But since his reputation is as that "bloke who hasn't written anything decent in thirty years", it might well be not so much of a gamble.

8.00
What was Duncan Banatyne doing on the lotto show? Isn't he the sort of bloke what made it by hard work, sweat of his brow? Should he be encouraging types to dream of winning cash instead?

Big letters are floating through the streets of Moscow for the opening credits. Straight letters, obviously - they wouldn't have gay letters. Not in Moscow's streets anyway.

The heart sinks as we discover that everything will have a circus theme tonight. Like the Banker's Birthday week on Deal Or No Deal. That was a bit rubbish, too.

Cirque Du Soleil are here to launch their clown-and-tumbling shows in Russia. It's like watching kids doing gymnastics to opera.

Norton, clearly, has abandoned his intention to keep things respectful in his commentary.

Oh, there's a fire juggler. Glastonbury on a really, really bad night.

8.05
Letitia Dean is dangling from a flying machine and yelling across the audience, while a tax inspector comes flying in from the sky. Oh, it's last year's winner, apparently.

The list of participants reveals that this year's event is being "partnered" by, amongst others, the Schwarzkopf hair product people. Just like the NME Awards and their tie-up with Shockwaves. Music and shampoo. Natural partners.

The voting is going to be a complicated mixture of phone votes and jury deliberations - this, apparently, is going to stop there being the block-votes that have ruined the event in previous years. Somehow.

8.10
On come the hosts. One bloke, one woman. The bloke appears to be a cross between David Walliams and Ross from Friends. The woman is Myleene Klass. "Russia is very cold and always snowing" says Myleene. But she's only joking - that, apparently, is what you'd think if your idea of Russia comes from James Bond films.

Yeah, fancy believing Russia is the sort of place where police break up human rights demos, or people who fall out with the government end up being poisoned by radioactive materials in other countries.

Here we go, then, song number one

Lithuania - Sasha Son - Love
It's Timberlake's hat at Elton's piano.

His song is so dull, all they can think of for the banks of screens is to project some piano keys onto them.

Hang on, he's got up so that he can... erm, go and stand somewhere else on the stage. Girls and boys are crying at home, says Sasha. Well, maybe, but only because you've bored them to tears.

8.15
@thisrealitypod isn't impressed:

The Lituania entry is prime Eurovision material. Dull, dull, dull, dull and dull. With more dull on the side.

Israel - Noa & Mira Awad - There Must Be Another Way

As usual, Israel have stuck in a song calling for everyone to get together, let bygones be bygones, stop falling out.

Bloody hell, it's Cher. And a redhead. See? They're both different, but they can get on. Those with pageboy cuts and frightwigs, singing in harmony. Why can't, you know, different races be like that? Assuming they're not being kept apart by a fucking huge concrete wall, of course.

The women are now surrounded by male instrumentalists - perhaps they represent global opinion. I reckon the bloke with the drum is the UN.

Oh, and now Cher and redhead are having a drum. Pleasant enough.

8.20
France - Patricia Kaas - Et S'il Fallait Le Faire

This is going to be a chanson, says Gordon. I like me a bit of a chanson.

Patricia is apparently popular in Moscow, and does get quite a big cheer from the crowd.

@sareini:

France's singer looks like Tasha Yar from ST:TNG

Trouble is, this song sounds like it needs to be sung from the broken heart, but Kaas is too thrilled to nail it.

8.25
@MissCay

BRING BACK SEBASTIAN TELLIER!

They're rattling through them, aren't they?

Sweden - Malena Ernman - La Voix

Don't look directly into her eyes. Oh, lord - this is the sort of track that a sports programme producer thinks is classy classical.

Malena has now also been encircled, by a group of tall bank tellers, most of whom have buns on their head. And who - yikes - have just come out carrying defiled Bafta awards to hide behind.

8.27

Croatia - Igor Cukrov feat. Andrea - Lijepa Tena

Beautiful Tena, apparently. As in the company that makes pads for the incontinent adult.

Oh, some Spanish guitar. And another group all in black. STOP POINTING YOUR CROTCH AT ME, Igor.

Oh, alright. Point your crotch at me, providing I can have a go on those boots. Do you have lifts in them?

@johnrshanley:

Graham's not drunk enough yet

Oh, Andrea's come on now. Her role seems to be to screech a little. If you close your eyes, you might enjoy it more. But you might also not even notice there's a song there.

The backing dancers for these have cloaks made of black gauze. Useless for flying, those would be.

8.30

Portugal - Flor-de-lis - Todas As Ruas Do Amor

Refreshing after all these dark outfits to have some bright primary colours. Even if it does look like a high school performance of Hair using the costumes left over from last year's Sound Of Music.

Yes, I like her - she's sassy. It's a pity that she keeps making way for a woman with an accordion, though, an instrument which exists solely to be used as a means of making the next buskers along seem better.

8.35
@ptrshr:

From the front the Portuguese girl playing the accordian appears topless. Traditionun-dress?

Go Portugal.

Iceland - Yohanna - Is It True?

Churning through seven songs in half an hour. We could be in bed by a decent time at this rate.

Yohana is singing in English, wearing a prom dress and hoping for "a perfect dream." Is it true, she worries. Did I throw it away?

This really just shows how badly the X Factor and its ilk have ruined music across the planet.

I'm just sore, of course, that Ireland didn't win through from the semis - I liked their over-optimistic 'Pink has kids with The Bangles, and forces them to become B*Witched' entry, and would have been quite happy to have colluded in some block-voting for them.

Is Iceland's song still going?

8.40

Greece - Sakis Rouvas - This is Our Night

Shawndra points out if Greece win, they could use their empty Olympic stadiums. (Although, as Jemini bloke pointed out, the acoustics don't make shit songs sound any better in sports stadiums.)

Sakis is doing a hard gay anthem - more In The Marines than In The Navy. He's really flinging himself into the dance for the song.

Rouvas is now on a giant conveyor belt - it's meant to make him look like he's moonwalking plus, but instead it gives him the air of being a bottle of fabric conditioner moving inexorably towards the scanner.

@danmaclean:

the Greek singers and dancers remind me of Ben Stiller's team in Dodgeball

8.45

Armenia - Inga & Anush - Jan Jan

Oooh... this is more like it. The sort of music you make in a land where your coffee comes in slices. "Everybody move your body" isn't entirely original as lyrics go, but you feel if you don't obey you'll get an authentic ethnic heel up your ass until you fall in line. It's like being menanced by a tourist information office. Splendid.

@glinner:

By the way, all the curtains and furnishings from my Mum's living room were recently stolen, if anyone has any informa--heyyyyyy!

Russia - Anastasia Prikhodko - Mamo

Home team! Home team! Graham says her father is incredibly rich. We're up for being bribed.

Oh, hang about, having seen her and heard the first bit of the song, I'm not sure there's enough money in all the Russian gas fields to persuade us to vote for this. Did the lyrics really go "dicky-ricky-daa-waa"?

8.50
Azerbaijan - AySel & Arash - Always

A rash? What sort of name is that for a singer? "What will we get down the club tonight?" "Arash, I think".

This is the second time Azerbaijan have come into the finals, and they're trying to distract us by giving the dancers some pretty purple v-shaped skirts. The song, sadly, is just old-skool Seaside Special.

8.55
Graham reckons it's getting a standing ovation. God knows why. Perhaps people just wanted to stretch their legs after an hour sitting down.

Bosnia & Herzegovina - Regina - Bistra Voda

It's a bloke in a white suit, surrounded by characters off the top of a tin of Quality Street. They all seem like they're going to a very, very serious circus. Perhaps a clown has died?

@msilveruk cuts to the important question, though, about their performance:

Bosnia&Herzegovina probably has no gap between either side of the '&' because IT made the field too small

He's right, too, you'd have to bet - I can see them backstage during preproduction, trying to work out who has the longest country name in Europe.

9.00
The rest of Europe has gone to ads, so we're getting a knockabout film featuring Moscow police. Which gives Graham a chance to mention the heavy-handedness of the real Russian police, although more in sorrow than in anger.

This is the best argument for the BBC taking advertising.

Moldova - Nelly Ciobanu - Hora Din Moldova

Nelly has got something written on her hands. If it was "remember to wear skirt", it failed as an aide memoir.

@leonbaloo:

bring back the singing street people! #Kalinka malinka, kalinka maya, vsadu yaduga.....#

Knee high purple velvet boots. The songs have been quite humdrum this year, but there's some excellent boots going on.

Oh, dear. Nelly is now looking a little like she's gone mad. Like someone who won't let you just enjoy a drink: "lets have a dance. let's dance. Come on, everybody, dance..."

9.05

Malta - Chiara - What If We

The song starts with honking car horns. Unless that was outside?

Oh, this has the word "adequate" scribbled all over it. The sort of song you'd get to do half way through your cruiseship set, if you promise the ents manager you'll stick to covers after it.

@cocorosie23:

wooooot for bbw singers, I rather see that than some worn out prostitute that cant sing

Estonia - Urban symphony - Rändajad

First umaluts of the evening, as what would appear to be a group loosely based on Bond (the fairly-pretty classical group, not the spy franchise) take the stage with a track that feels like it might have originally have been aimed at appearing in a promotional DVD for a corporate customer, but got dropped when the credit crunch hit.

9.10

Denmark - Brinck - Believe Again

This one was written by Ronan Keating. In part. Have Ireland got so afraid of winning by accident they're sending people to help other nations?

On the other hand, if you were doing that, wouldn't you send someone who was going to contribute something better than a Boyzone cast-off?

@thehorsesmouth:

was ronan bitter about ireland not qualifing so he's singing in a curtain?

Brinck says he wants to believe in something bigger than the "two of us". What, like a whale or a bus? Why can't you believe in a bus, Brinck?

There are fireworks going off behind the singer. Oh, they've fizzled out now. At least they fizzed a bit longer than Brinck did.

9.15 - Alex Swings Oscar Sings! - Miss Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

The one with Dita Von Teese propping them up, of course. If you stare at her very, very hard, you might forget that it's like Stutz Bear Catz slaughtering the memory of Dean Martin.

Oscar is wearing trousers made of bacofoil which - given the heat of the studio lights - will probably mean his testicles are going to be charbroiled.

Somewhere, almost off camera, Dita is taking her shirt off.

Why is she here? How, exactly, does a special guest star work in a song contest anyway?

9.20

Turkey - Hadise - Düm Tek Tek

Did she just say they met or move like animals? She's actually much sexier than Dita Von Teese, so that's a bit of a moot point. Although she appears to have got a CBBC presenter on stage with her doing some of the vocals.

Why don't we get more Turkish pop, just generally, to cheer us up during the winter? Wouldn't you rather have Hadise than Kasabian?

9.23
Oh, apparently they're Lloyd-Webber's favourite act this year.

Albania - Kejsi Tola - Carry Me In Your Dreams

Oh, this is one of the semi-finalists I caught while trying to keep myself pure. The girl in the tutu being menaced by a guy whose had his mum run him up a gimp outfit from some used curtains.
@ezs:

Albania - it's Bonnie Langford and a wrong shade of Blue Man

This is quite nice, except for the performance being so stage school. "Search for me in your dreams" instructs Kejsi. Hint: She'll be sat at the exam desk next to you, and probably the first one to notice that you're naked.

9.25

Norway - Alexander Rybak - Fairytale

Graham says Rybak has a face he'd like to slap, which is a good starting point. He wrote this himself, too. Although that's "wrote" as in "altered enough from something by Topol to be able to avoid lawsuits".

His dancers are bouncing around on all fours, like cats dryhumping the stage. What fairytale would that be? Puss In Boots When His Mum's Gone Out For The Evening?

9.30
@thomasmcnab:

"When I was younger." What, you mean when you were an unborn foetus

Norway are meant to be the favourites? Seriously?

Here we are, then, being shouted at by the presenters. This must be a bid to wake up viewers in their later years.

Ukraine - Svetlana Loboda - Be my Valentine! (Anti-crisis Girl)

Righto, so what's going on here? The song seems to be Demis Roussous goes to the disco, but the set... it's like it's been made from pieces picked up when the people who made the Radio Ga Ga video went out of business. "Take three giant cogs, I'll throw in the ladder and a couple of centurions helmets." "Deal."

Blimey, the robot-centurions have just twirled her right through 360 degrees.

Is she singing "bum" over and over again? And having a go on the drums. That's multitasking.

@ainz90:

Ukraine: strip club celine Dione?

9.35

Romania - Elena - The Balkan Girls

Oh, this is just trying to pull a Ruslana. Hey, we'd all like to pull a Ruslana.

There have been a lot more bearable songs this year, so far - the number of drippy boys in white trousers and serious girls in black dresses doing ballads about love and peace, or loving peace, has been reassuringly low, and hopefully will see them extinct by 2011's contest.

Elena and her dancers have just formed a ring-a-ring-a-roses group. Bless their little hearts.

9.40
Given that Israel's songs are always about peace, whose idea was it to give their fans in the audience giant mallets with the Israeli flags on?

UK - Jade - It's My Time

You know how disappointing this is. Lloyd W big on da piano. We should have gone with the twins, which at least has an element of cheap sexual fantasy, something that works well with the judges.

There's nothing she's afraid of. Certainly not the thought of Europe going "meh" as one.

Surprisingly warm reaction from the audience, though.

@lirlond:

they were doing so well until they showed his face |:

9.45

Finland - Waldo's People - Lose Control

"Welcome back to the 80s" says Norton, as if he'd think that a bad thing.

Spinning fire jugglers! Again! While someone does a very poor Eminem (or at least passable John Barnes) rap.

Twitter is, erm, all a twitter about Jade apparently getting clunked by her violinist during her performance. I suspect they had a trained killer in her backing musicians - "if it goes badly, we must end the performance by any means. I shall give my signal... no, no, abort..."

The end is nigh, of this bit, anyway:

Spain - Soraya - La Noche Es Para Mí (The Night Is For Me)

Spain's problem is their entries always sound like the soundtrack to their 'come to Spain' commercials. And their singer looks like she was expecting to be ice skating - heh heh, perhaps she got her idea of Russia from the James Bond movies, eh?

A (male) dancer has just flashed his breasts at Soraya. She didn't seem surprised by this. Bet she gets it all the time.

Is it just my ears giving up, or did they fade her down way before she was done?

@nicolalalalala:

bollocks. not even Sarah Harding in sequins could pull it back for us.

9.50
So, now we're into voting. Graham - who is having a brilliant Eurovision, it's so nice for the commentary to be genuinely warm rather than just worldly cyncical - says that every years "thousands" vote for the UK even though they can't.

They're getting cosmonauts to open the voting from space. I'll bet they're not the first people to appear tonight wearing diapers.

The picture from the space station broke up at the end - I'm guessing that would be our new alien ant overlords taking back control, then?

10.00
I think I'm going with Armenia, just edging ahead of Portugal in my hearts.

Having done the phone numbers, the TV is now showing a little film dispelling myths about Russia. Apparently it's not all snow and the KGB, you know. Well, not snow, anyway.

Amusingly, Ronan Keating has managed to become a trending topic on Twitter, which might mean Denmark could do well. Or perhaps Ronan Keating should expect a large crowd to arrive with flaming torches and pitchforks in the next few minutes.

After Thursday night, when the Americans spent most of the evening going "what the hell is #bbcqt", they're now puzzling over #eurovision. Although with Dollshouse getting renewed, they're finding enough to keep them interested.

10.07
And voting has closed, in the midst of some low-level presenter skittage.

While people add up their numbers, there's the traditional interval act that makes no sense. It's like one of the challenges from a recent cycle of America's Next Top Model. So, on that basis, if the UK does win, we should plot something for half time around the "look, I'm horribly dead" challenge.

10.15
@brokentv:

Tsk. Don't tap on the glass, you'll scare them.

10.17
The votes are coming in.

Spain first - "best one ever" creeps the Spanish host.

10 points for the UK - leading for five seconds, but it's Norway who get 12.

Still, at least we're not going to spend the evening heading for nul points.

Belguim: Ooh, their host has a bun. Their twelve goes to Turkey, and nothing for the UK.

Belarus:
Man, that's some cleavage. Did she know she was going to be in vision?

Three for the UK, and she's frozen at the point of giving out the big scores.

10.20

It's already looking like Norway have this in the bag.

Malta:

If that's her real hair, she could harvest it and use it to stuff sofas. More big points for Norway, and just enough to keep Jade in the game.

Germany:

They've given the job of doing the numbers to a bloke in Hamburg, in a sea of paper flags.

Eight points to the UK - shaping up for the best result in years, without the need to actually host the bloody thing next year, then.

Czech Republic:

"Calling you from beautiful city of Prague"

Ah, Graham is thanking all the nations, even the Czechs, who give us six. If Terry was here, he'd already be deep into calling up the NATO troops.

Sweden:

Vanessa Feltz is doing their scores for them. Oh, shit, she's singing the results. That's ill-advised.

Norway get the twelve.

But that song was duff.

10.25

Iceland:
Iceland looks over-eager.

I love the 'flash movie loading' style bar indicating how much more we've got to go. Although now it's clear that Norway are going to run away with it, it could move a little faster,

France:
Their man is in front of the Eiffel Tower. Imaginative.

Turkey get 12 from France, knocking Jade down to third.

Israel:
As if to underline their outsider status, it looks like they've invited Chris Langham to give out their scores.

Even Israelis liked Norway, taking them through the 100 point barrier before half the results are in.

Russia:
And the slow slide continues, as the UK sinks to fourth.

Latvia:
Latvia seem to be hungover. At eleven in the evening?

Two points for the UK takes Jade back to third.

Montenegro:
Ah, Montenegro's score woman is so lovely, it's making me wish they'd had a chance to do some singing tonight. Although she has a slight air of wishing she'd not come in national dress.

UK slips to fifth as Monetnegro give their 12 points to Bosnia. You've got to respect tradition.

Andorra:
That. Is. A. Chin. Actually, it looks like she's got two chins - not double-chinned up and down, it's a side-to-side double chin. They give twelve to Spain and lift them from being the only country with zero.

Finland:
A man in a plaid shirt, looking like a coy Ricky Gervais. Finland only gives Norway eight, and twelve to Estonia.

10.35

Switzerland:
Not being neutral, then, this time. Norway seem to have a run of eights and tens, but still have double their nearest rivals.

Bulgaria:
Bulgaria announce that they're having a great time. And they looks like it.

The UK pick up seven points, but remain solidly fifth.

France aren't really doing all that well, considering their singer was meant to be some pan-European star. Perhaps the aging bit in her performance frightened Europe's kiddies.

Lithuania:
The points are flowingto Norway again.

UK:
Oh Duncan Bloody James. Why? Is Myleene Klass busy? Could we not have had Adrian Chiles, at least?

The people of the UK have given twelve points to Turkey, which makes sense. I forgot I liked them by the end of the performances, but they were great.

Macedonia:
Macedonia seems to be trying to take control of the programme from within a split-screen window. Oh, ten points for Bosnia. This new system really has worked, hasn't it?

Twelve points for Turkey, putting them joint distant second.

10.40
They're doing commercials? During the voting? Even the Russian host seemed surprised at that move.

Still, gives a chance for a quick dip into Twitter:
@purplejp:

I'm still embarrassed that the UK gave 10 points to Norway. Who exactly ARE our expert panel anyway?!?!?

And we're back in the room, after a quick for the official DVD. Buy it now, before you find out how it ends.

Slovakia:
Their guy looks like he's only doing this because his date never showed up outside the Odeon.

Ten to Norway, 12 to Estonia; Britain still solid fifth.

10.45
Greece:
Someone has taken time off preparing his lecture on archaeology to turn out and give twelve to the UK, bouncing us up to... erm, third.

I really wish the Russian producers would keep the bloody scoreboard on screen

Bosnia:
Bjorn Borg's zombie cousin pops up with wacky flowers and wacky medals and a general air of a man for whom a slap would be the correct response. 12 to Croatia.

Ukraine:
Actually, now Graham thnaking every nation for a few measly points is starting to take on the air of Uriah Heep. Six points for the UK, and Norway vanish off so far into the lead we could all go to bed.

Turkey:
It's Bet Lynch doing the scores. Twelve points to Azerbaijan? Seriously?

10.50
Perhaps the runners-up could host next year's semi-finals?

Albania:
The slightly creepy Albanian bloke reveals their country didn't love Norway quite so much as everyone else - seven points.

Serbia:
"Everybody's still talking about how unforgettable it was" says their presenter. Yes, people haven't shut up about it yet. Given how it's still going on. 12 points to Bosnia-H

Cyprus:
The UK is now neck-and-neck with Turkey. Cyprus gives its 12 to Greece. So I think you know which bit of Cyprus it is.

Poland:
Poland is also singing, although their chap looks like a policeman recently elevated to the CID. They give enough points to the UK to take Jade to fourth. Norway have so won, the question now is if they are going to score a record win.

Netherlands:
Ah, as befits a country below sealevel, their scores are being given by a mermaid. And knocks the UK back to fifth. Apparently the mermaid fell in love with the Norwegian boy. Does that mean she's barred from awarding twelve points, though?

Estonia:
She's pissed off. Really, really pissed off.

Their 12 points for Norway break the 300 barrier, and make it the biggest winner ever.
Graham tries to make a game of guessing where we'll end up. Mid-table, Graham.

Croatia:
A low budget Courtney Cox delivers the required 12 to Bosnia.

Portugal:
Apparently, the Russian audience is pissing off home, catching last buses and so on. 10 from Portugal puts UK in fourth, and 12 goes to Moldova. Moldova? Really?

Romania:
Hair and makeup ahoy. They also give 12 points to Moldova. All of a sudden, Moldova is popular.

Ireland:
Ireland do a spot of blarney, as they are supposed to. And they give ten to the UK. And not a sod for Ronan's Denmark effort. That's surely got to hurt.

Denmark:
Apparently there is a comb shortage in Denmark. Who give all their 12 points to Norway. 339 for Norway now.

11.00
Moldova:
Steady on, we're near the end. Moldova give 12 to Romania, for some fraternal reason.

Slovenia:
There are a lot of countries in Europe, aren't there? Their presenter calls for a minute's silence for Slovenia failing to qualify. It goes down like a 9/11 joke in a US airport. 12 points to Norway.

Armenia:
"Everything looks beautiful" she simpers, her head shaking on its overlong neck. The UK are still, by the way, fourth place. Finland are at the bottom, although possibly only on alphabetical order.

Hungary:
The Hungarian points woman seems thrilled, truly, to be here. Like she'd won a trip to a tractor factory or something. 12 to Norway.

By a freak, Norway will be doing their scoring last.

Azerbaijan:
She looks spookily like Charlotte Coleman. Or perhaps I'm getting bleary-eyed. She keeps leaving scary pauses. Their twelve goes to Turkey, and once again the scoreboard vanishes too quickly to see what that means.

Norway:
Norway already look like they've embarked on an alcohol-based national celebration.

So, Norway win. UK come fifth, which, sadly, will probably be good enough to lead to another run out for Lloyd Webber again next year.

They're firing the glitter cannons into what remains of the audience, in preparation for the encore performance.

They're sweeping the glitter off the stage now - health and safety mate. The song's popularity seems even more mystifting now.

So, what have we learned? That the BBC should probably have put Wogan out to grass much sooner. That the music actually seemed better this year, but still nobody is going to do their best stuff for it. And never mind the gay audience - if Eurovision is aimed at any particular sexual group, it's the boot fetishists who will really be getting off.

Eurovision: Wogan shuts up

One of the great broadcasting traditions - that of listening to a mildly sloshed Irishman railing against Eastern Europeans - has ended, with the news that Terry Wogan is stepping down from Eurovision:

"I've had 35 wonderful years commentating on the Eurovision for radio and television.

"From my first, in a small musichall in Dublin, to my last, in the huge arena in Belgrade, it has been nothing but laughter and fun.

"The silly songs, the spectacle, the grandiose foolishness of it all.

"Let's hope that between [New presenter Graham Norton] and the musical brilliance of Lloyd Webber, Royaume Uni will gather its proper share of 'Douze Points' and bring the Grand Prix home to where it belongs."

Nothing but laughter and fun - ah, yes, like the suggestions that the judges were racist or being accused by the Eurovision management of making the event ridiculous. Laughter and fun, laughter and fun.

My sweet Lord: Lloyd-Webber offers Eurovision song

One cheer, if that, for the news that the UK is revamping its approach to Eurovision for 2009. It's much needed, but the solution is to get Andrew Lloyd Webber to write a song, while Graham Norton will host a talent show to find someone to sing it.

Yes, they've scrapped Making Your Mind Up and replaced it with the bastard child of How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?

The trouble is, does Lloyd Webber really know how to write a cracking pop tune? Let's not forget the last time he dabbled in pop the result was Bombalurina - Timmy Mallet, a novelty cover and a few three-years-out-of-date "oh yeahs". The nations of Eastern Europe are not, I suspect, quaking tonight.