Eurovision 2015: The UK chooses this year's gallant losers

Here, then, is the track picked for the UK's Eurovision entry - Still In Love With You, by Electro Velvet:

Remember the name. It'll come in handy if you ever find yourself on Pointless in 2017.

It's not a terrible thing. Well, not totally terrible. If Jive Bunny was still alive, it'd possibly even feel a bit contemporary.

Actually, yes. It is terrible, isn't it? It doesn't only sound dated, but the nostalgia it's striving for is, itself, dated. "Hey, Europe, remember 25 years ago when there was a lot of people remembering this sort of thing?"

Yes, it's come to this. We're entering something that could have just failed to make the cut for Bugsy Malone.

Instead, let's praise the wisdom of Andreas Kummert - selected to represent the German nation in the finals, he suddenly remembered that he didn't want to do that.

My sweet Lord: Lloyd-Webber offers Eurovision song

One cheer, if that, for the news that the UK is revamping its approach to Eurovision for 2009. It's much needed, but the solution is to get Andrew Lloyd Webber to write a song, while Graham Norton will host a talent show to find someone to sing it.

Yes, they've scrapped Making Your Mind Up and replaced it with the bastard child of How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?

The trouble is, does Lloyd Webber really know how to write a cracking pop tune? Let's not forget the last time he dabbled in pop the result was Bombalurina - Timmy Mallet, a novelty cover and a few three-years-out-of-date "oh yeahs". The nations of Eastern Europe are not, I suspect, quaking tonight.