No Rock And Roll Fun

DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS, JANICE?: It's time for the NME Awards 2005 shortlist - you'll already have voted once, of course (although judging by Morrissey's appearance in the Best Dressed shortlist, some of us have vote more than once, haven't we, Stephen?); now you get a chance to vote again, to decide the overall winner and to ensure that justice is done. The shortlists in full:

Best British Band
Kasabian
Snow Patrol
Muse
Franz Ferdinand
The Libertines

We're always a little surprised that Muse have the heft to always turn up in polls like this, even in years when they don't do much. Or maybe Matt Bellamy just has an enormously thick folder of journalist's secrets.

Best International Band
The Killers
Kings Of Leon
The Strokes
U2
Scissor Sisters

The Kings of Leon v U2, of course, pitches the tour buddies against each other - although Bono probably won't mind missing out on this one, just so long, heh heh, as the Leons don't turn up on his Nobel Peace Prize shortlist...

Best Solo Artist
Morrissey
Graham Coxon
The Streets
Ian Brown
Eminem

At the time of the Brit shortlist, we pondered if The Streets really are a solo artist - more a fluid collective arranged around a fixed point. But there's not a category for that. The inclusion of Eminem here seems to be designed to make it an odd one out contest.

Best New Band
Bloc Party
The Killers
Razorlight
Kasabian
Babyshambles

The way things are going, it's likely half the bands in the list will have been former bands by the time the gongs are given out. It should be a Bloc Party shoo-in, but Razorlight fans - we suspect - are being drilled right now to ensure their not-stage-frightened heroes take the prize.

Best Live Band
Muse
Razorlight
The Libertines
Franz Ferdinand
Babyshambles

Surely Babyshambles, with their turn up or not attitude, can't really be eligible for this category? They might win on Best Live Performance, but the title here is meant to reward consistency, isn't it?

Best Album
The Libertines - The Libertines
Scissor Sisters - Scissor Sisters
Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand
Green Day - American Idiot
The Streets - A Grand Don't Come For Free

Libs v Franz v Streets, then, the same as virtually every year-end poll so far; it might be amusing to see the Scissor Sisters sweep in and pick up the title. Are we still pretending Green Day have something to offer anyone with an IQ that can outsmart a sponge?

Best Track
U2 - Vertigo
Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out
The Libertines - Can't Stand Me Now
Razorlight - Golden Touch
The Streets - Dry Your Eyes

I've yet to meet anyone - either online, or in that fleshy, swishy real life that some of you know about - who thinks that Vertigo is a track that stands up alongside U2's back catalogue. That it had turned up here is a real insult to a load of brilliant singles whose oxygen it has swallowed and taken. Take Me Out was a great single, but it's surely got to be Dry Your Eyes - if only for proving that Number One records can still, sometimes, do more than provide an excuse for flogging a ringtone.

Best Live Venue
Birmingham Academy
Brixton Academy
Glasgow Barrowlands
London Astoria
Manchester Academy

Choose which large, soulless, corporate-sponsored supermarket you want here: although, at least, Brixton Academy does look kind of cool inside.

Best Live Event
Glastonbury
Carling Weekend
T In The Park
V2004
Download

Download? Download? Talk about being on Earth to make up the bloody numbers. Reading-Leeds is probably going to lose some votes because it's hidden under that name which nobody - nobody at all - uses for it. Eavis must be buffing the prize already; V2006 might be worth a bet.

Best Video
The Streets - Fit But You Know It
Interpol - Evil
Eminem - Mosh
Beastie Boys - Triple Trouble
Green Day - American Idiot

A tricky old category, mainly because we don't really care. None of the videos have really made much of an impression on us.

Best TV Show
Little Britain
Peep Show
Gonzo
The Mighty Boosh
Green Wing

We smell some sort of background campaign to get The Boosh into the starting trap here - or maybe the number of votes for Little Britain just meant that the rest of the set was more or less random.

Best Radio Show
Zane Lowe
Chris Moyles
Steve Lemacq (sic)
Christian O'Connell
Colin Murray and Edith Bowman

Interesting that the NME can't spell its own graduate; it would be depressing, but every ounce of our depress muscles are being used on the Moyles/O'Connell/Bowman & Murray triumverate.

Best Film
Shaun Of The Dead
Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
Spiderman 2
School Of Rock
Lost In Translation

Isn't it so sweet that there aren't any more Lord of the Bloody Rings movies, eh?

Best Website
www.thelibertines.org.uk
www.morrissey-solo.com
www.muse.mu
www.nme.com
www.u2.com

U2.com probably stank in its own kitchen with that ticket-flogging screw-up last week: the music poll equivalent of being caught selling kids to buy smack three days before polls open. Of course, although nme.com should really be ineligible it's the best of a limited focus offering.

Hero Of The Year
Carl Barat
Bono
Pete Doherty
Morrissey
John Peel

We imagine that Peel will win, as it seems fitting for there to be a recognition of some sort in this year's poll results; but for actual heroism, Carl Barat deserves the title - taking the firm line on Pete's addicition, telling him to choose, took guts, and if a few others around Doherty had been as brave, we might not be all kicking our heels waiting for the tragic last act.

Villain Of The Year
Tony Blair
George Bush
Pete Doherty
Justin Hawkins
Wolfman

That would be the world in a nutshell: some people are angry that people will lie to an electorate, railroad voters, enter into illegal wars and allow oil prospectors to go where the hell they like in Alasaka. Others don't like a man who wears a catsuit.

Sexiest Man
Carl Barat
Pete Doherty
Brandon Flowers
Alex Kapranos
Morrissey

We know the Royal Mail is rubbish, but it must be bad if it's taken them since Morrissey was sexy to get the forms back to Kings Reach Tower. Alex is kind of cute, but would anyone really want to throw him onto his back and ensure he can never wear his trousers again? And Carl... we might, if we really needed a bed, but...

Sexiest Woman
Brody Dalle
Charlotte Hatherley
Ana Matronic
Karen O
Gwen Stefani

The godlike Charlotte Hatherley makes even discussion of this category pointless (even although we bet Stefani takes the crown).

Best Dressed
Carl Barat
Pete Doherty
Brandon Flowers
Alex Kapranos
Morrissey

Kapranos. Obvious, innit?

Worst Dressed
Pete Doherty
Goldie Lookin Chain
Har Mar Superstar
Justin Hawkins
Britney Spears

GLC dress like that on purpose, so don't count.
Har Mar dresses like that on purpose, so doesn't count.
Pete Doherty has to win, if only for that stupid bloody hat - the last person to wear a hat like that was, if we recall, Ralph, the villain from the first series of Tucker's Luck.

Worst Album
Busted A Present For Everyone
Embrace Out Of Nothing
Keane Hopes And Fears
Lostprophets Start Something
McFly - Room On The Third Floor

Busted and McFly do exactly what's asked of them, and - in Busted's case at least - do it rather well; and you could say the same for Embrace and Keane. Which leaves Lostprophets. Nobody wants them to do it, and they don't care. Make them care.

Worst Band
Busted
The Darkness
Keane
Maroon 5
McFly

So much hatred for the Darkness this year isn't there? Let's hope Maroon 5 pick this one up, just so they know that there's some people who've seen through them.

Best Music DVD
Oasis - Definitely Maybe
The White Stripes - Live Under Blackpool Lights
Nirvana - With The Lights Out
Pixies - Pixies
Scissor Sisters - We Are Scissor Sisters And So Are You

The Pixies DVD. Their stuff has aged really well.

Go vote. You don't want Bush to come round an enforce voting on you, do you?