Monday, November 26, 2007

Welcome, Gordon Smart

And so the Sun rises on a new era, with Gordon Smart taking over the controls at the paper's Bizarre column.

Hey... he's called Gordon, and you know who else is called Gordon?

Yes, yes, the "moron" in Jilted John's hit, but you know who else?

Yes, the Prime Minister. But it's not a thought they'd push, is it?

Prime Minister of showbiz ... new man Gordon

Oh. They are.
Read Gordon's manifesto

And push it, and push it.
WE are both Scottish and called Gordon – but that’s where the similarities between the Prime Minister and me end.

Well, yes. Gordon Brown doesn't look like he's one of the guys who turn up at the end of Homes Under The Hammer saying "I would value this property at £137,000...", for a start.

Still, the slight idea of hanging his launch column on a wan joke based on having the same name as the current incumbent of Number 10 over, what does... oh, he hasn't finished with it yet:
Forget his political manifesto (just like he has) . . . here are the Bizarre foundations under the new regime.

"Just like he has!" - ha ha! You can tell Gordon's a safe pair of hands, as he felt confident to leave off the "(SATIRE)" warning.

And, yes, Gordon does then fill a page with what he believes to be a something like a manifesto:
IMMIGRATION: PARIS HILTON, LINDSAY LOHAN and Johnny Foreigner of equally limited talent are welcome on Bizarre on condition they are:

a) Little wrigglers and appear almost naked.

b) Misbehaving.

c) Making mugs of themselves.

d) Doing all the above. Otherwise, stay in rehab in America moaning about how you can’t handle your ale.

"Ale"? "Johnny Foreigner"? Where did Gordon spend his gap year - with Noel Coward? And what the hell is a little wriggler?
HEALTH: The Caners League continues. All celebrities, nonebrities and musicians are actively encouraged to get tanked up and cause high jinks.

We wonder if - while Gordon was chuckling over the thought of encouraging people to drink too much, did he bother to read his own paper? Only Rebekah's editorials seem to send out the opposite message:
It hit a nerve with decent families who worry when their children go out that they might not return alive.

They worry about round-the-clock access to strong, ever-cheaper booze and the pressure on youngsters to drink themselves stupid.

...again and again:
Cheap alcohol fuels the violence. Yet as a society we accept alcopops, booze marketed specifically at kids, and we regard binge-drinking as a bit of a joke.

Can the front of the paper really complain that young people are encouraged to drink themselves stupid and binge-drinking is seen as a joke when its showbiz editor is, erm, encouraging people to drink themselves stupid and regards binge-drinking as a bit of a joke?
EDUCATION: Hear about new bands, comedians, actors and characters on Bizarre first. The next OASIS, PETER KAY and JAMES McAVOY will be unveiled by this new regime.

That's a major break with the past, as those three would have been unveiled by the NME, The Sunday Show and Stephen Fry, of course.
PENSIONERS: Wrinkly rockers deserve respect – you are held in high esteem for your services to showbiz. The creases are a reward for riding life ’til the wheels came off. I will keep you legends alive . . .

Yes, nothing says "I respect your lifetime of achievement" like calling someone a "wrinkly rocker". We presume the "I will keep you legends alive" was a typo, and Gordon is promising to write about their tiresome antics rather than offering to pop down to give Keith Richards emergency treatment the next time he falls out a tree.
ECONOMY: I will adopt the Northern Rock approach to finance – plenty of £££s in the bank for your stories.

Aha. So, he's not like Labour - with the seedy passing of brown envelopes stuffed full of cash, the Prime Minister of Showbiz is in the mould of the John Major government.

Welcome, Gordon. Best of luck.


Paul Wells said...

There's something odd about that photo as well... I can't look at it without thinking he looks like Adam Ant from the prince charming video stuffed uncomfortably into a suit.
Come on Gordon: "ridicule is nothing to be scared of" etc.

Anonymous said...

It's not a great photo is it? Definitely looks like a fifth-former on Records-of-Achievement day. Only, you know, a bit older because he's been held back a few years.

I'm not massively surprised he felt he had to flog the Gordon Brown joke to death, bury it, dig it up and flog it a bit more; Remember how much mileage Vicky got out of her 'Newton's Theory' line? (Admittedly the mileage in question was a long, desperate spluttering with frequent nervous glances at the fuel gauge).

Oh, and the 'Legends' comment would've been quite nice, if Smart didn't come across like the sort of insincere gimp who uses the word 'Legend' (or worse, 'Ledge') to thank someone for making him a coffee or passing him a print-out ("Cheers mate, you're a legend!")

Still, good luck to him. It's not an easy job editing Bizarre, and he's probably on the go the whole time. Why, this time last year Vicky was busy racing up and down the country, presenting the Bizarre Poll winners with their awards, in preparation of the voting launch a few days later.

Anonymous said...

My god! He's even more punchable than that little fucker who used to write for the Star isn't he?

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