Friday, January 25, 2008

One night as Morrissey's lackey

There's a wonderful - albeit slightly disturbing - piece in today's Times by Andrew Winters, who got a job as a "valet" on the Morrissey US tour. Which lasted a day.

Winters - who is a Mozzer fan - reports on a strange world:

The production carries “sound-check suits”. I am informed that the band are considered “ambassadors” of the Morrissey tour and are therefore expected to be dressed in these suits for all soundchecks, all collective flights, all dinners and functions that may possibly include Morrissey – and it’s my responsibility to make sure that they are wearing them.

A very, very strange world:
During the soundcheck I am to “fragrance spray” between the front row and front of house and am informed that Morrissey’s PA will provide me with the fragrance of the day “if required”.

A strange world that just gets stranger:
Morrissey instructs his PA to order him a large vodka concoction. Then something bizarre happens. A drinking game ensues, where one of the musicians is encouraged to knock back his pint to a chorus of “Down in one, down in one, down in one,” a chant to which Morrissey himself adds flamenco claps, skipping in front of his employee. He immediately beckons for another pint for the same musician and the process is repeated.

Sadly, the chance of finding out just how strange Morrissey's world really is gets stolen from us, as Winters is sacked, by email, without any explanation - although since he's warned anything from being dull to liking Henry Rollins can be considered just cause, it's possible he just did everything wrong.


Anonymous said...

I thought that was the greatest article ive read in years. Pure brilliance.

Anonymous said...

The Rollins thing puzzled me at first but then I remembered that he's made a few quips at Morrissey's expense in his spoken-word performances. Not a whole lot and it's usually preceded or followed by something involving Robert Smith in a general tweaking of "sad English music", but apparently anyone who's said anything negative about Morrissey is persona non grata in his world.

You'd think, being around as long as he has, that he'd know that the smarter celeb thing to do with low-level jibing like that is to ignore it.

Simon Hayes Budgen said...

And for someone who prides himself on Wildean wit, it's a bit pathetic that his real-life ripostes involve either freezing people out, or sending lawyers in.

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