Friday, May 15, 2009

Gordon in the morning: Classical gas

The online version of Bizarre kicks off this morning with classical music.

Yes, classical music. Philip Case turns in a report on the Classical Brits, which will probably delight the organisers.

Yes, I'm sure. It's classical. In fact, so unlikely is the idea of The Sun giving a second violin about classical music, Gordon Smart contributes a signed piece to reassure readers that it's alright:

WHY the sudden interest in classical music?

Well, they rhyme with Brits and get fellas showing a remarkable understanding of French Horn.

So gents, get down to an opera house to sample some delightful musical AND physical arrangements if you want to meet stunners in Bach-less dresses.

It would be a Verdi wise move if you ask me.

He actually wrote that. It came out of his head, he typed it in, and then published on the Wall Street Journal's sister site. French horn.

I do love the idea of a Sun reader seeing Gordon's advice and turning up at the Welsh National Opera with a hopeful grin and a box of tissues. Actually, I don't love it.

Philip Case's report is just as bad:
MYLEENE KLASS puts the woodwind up the fuddy-duddy world of classical music — arriving at an awards bash last night in this sizzling gown.

Actually, that's unfair to Case. Smart would have used woodwind in an erection gag.

Doubtless there are people at the Classical Brits who will feel that having musicians treated as wank-fodder will be good for the profile of the event and the music it promotes. But "actually, some people who like classical music are quite pretty" is such a toxic message for so many reasons.

But it's not like the music didn't get a look in at all:
In the past the frocks on the do’s red carpet have sometimes been as gloomy as Bach’s famous Toccata and Fugue in D Minor.

Why is the word "famous" in there? Obviously, yes, it is famous, but that does suggest that the word "famous" is redundant; if you need to be told it's famous, then that would suggest you don't know the piece so what would be the point anyway? It's not like Bach produced numerous Toccata and Fuges, most of which are quite jolly, apart from the one everyone knows.

Elsewhere, Gordon is surprised to hear Eminem got help from Elton John:
SIR ELTON JOHN is the Queen of bitching, the master of extravagance and one of the finest songwriters Britain has ever produced.

One thing I never thought would appear beside those CV highlights is the role of drug counsellor to top hip-hop stars.

EMINEM has confessed that Sir Elt is the unlikely character responsible for helping him conquer his drug demons.

I've been impressed before with Smart's willingness to go into print revealing that he apparently doesn't really know very much about the entertainment industry at all - like here, showing that he's apparently unaware that Elton often tries to help guide younger stars from repeating his expensive, miserable mistakes of overindulgence.


James said...

"MYLEENE KLASS puts the woodwind up the fuddy-duddy world of classical music — arriving at an awards bash last night in this sizzling gown."

What what?! A classical musician wearing a sizzling gown?! It's unthinkable! I can only imagine the shock this must have been to those other stuffy classical musicians like Vanessa Mae, Bond and - hang on - *switches on Classic FM TV, or whatever it's called now* - Yep, her too... And them... And definitely her. Myleene's certainly knocked the starch out of their, erm, corset tops.

Still, who knew classical music wasn't just for dusty old poshos, eh? Next thing you know, we'll be seeing opera singers winning Britain's Got Talent and people buying CDs in Asda by handsome young classical quartets who did reasonably well on X Factor four years ago.

Anonymous said...

Wouldn't I be right in saying that the most amusing thing about all their idiotic comments is that the Classical Brits is actually an excuse to show off the fact that they're not all "fuddy duddy" in the classical world and is more of a front for patting themselves on the back for various mainstream achievements? I mean they gave album of the year to the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards and they have a soundtrack award. Now I've nothing against the work of film score composers (I actually quite enjoyed The Dark Knight score, which won this year, and many film score composer are extremely talented - there are many scores on my cd shelves) and if you like the pipes and drums then I'm sure the TV advertised Spirit Of The Glen might be for you but let's not try and suggest that this is Radio 3 when it's Classic FM. In fact, if you have a quick glance down a list of their "Album of the Year" winners you can have a giggle at the idea that Blake, Paul McCartney, Katherine Jenkins (twice), Bryn Terfel, Andrea Bocelli (twice) and Russell Watson (twice) are members of some "fuddy duddy" world of unknown double-barrelled names and not the mainstream face of the inoffensive "buy as a present" shallow end of the Classical pool. (Once again I should point out that I have absolutely nothing against the names in that list. They might not all be my cup of tea but I can, at least, see where their talent lies.... well... except Blake but come on... you can't like everyone!!)

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