VICTORY OF GREATEST OVER DEMOCRACY: The attempts by Axl Rose to get a legal block on the Guns N Roses Best of have been thrown out of court. It seems the judge had more sympathy for Geffen's observation that it's funny Axl is worrying that the Greatest Hits release might hinder the Chinese Democracy album, what with how they've been waiting seven years for him to finish it and yet he always finds a reason why he hasn't.

TURNS OUT PRAYER DIDN'T WORK: Despite her happy assuarance that she'd kicked drugs and shit through the power of prayer alone, Whintey Houston has checked into drug rehab. We wish her luck with her clean-up (something that's going to be akin to dredging the Manchester Ship Canal) but her sponsors are going to have a difficult time getting her to acknowledge there's a greater force than herself.

FURTADO IS PORTUGESE FOR 'FOOTBALL': Apparently, Nelly Furtado is "an obvious choice" for singing the Euro2004 theme tune. Why? Because she loves football? No. Because she plays football? No. Because, erm, she's half Portugese. Well, I suppose its more than the Welsh squad relies on. But Nelly was worried - after she'd had it explained to her that it was all to do with that sock-ker game:

"I used to play a little bit when I was a kid and all my family and cousins that have grown up loving football and crying when their team loses so I understand the passionate side of it and the romance of the game. When they asked me to do the football song, I went 'Oh, how am I gonna do it without being corny?'"

In the end, she decided not to worry - it's not like anyone in America's going to hear it. Or in Europe, come to that.

HOBBLE 182: Travis Barker from Blink 182 has broken his foot and so the band have had to pull their Australian tour. It's not going to affect his ability to drum, but it would have been impossible for him to drop his trousers on stage what with the cast and all.

HOW TO EAT A BANANA: "What I like to do is break off the end, peel it a little bit and then just suck on the end of it for a while until it gets nice and mushy. And then, basically, after sucking on the tip for a little while, then I just go at it and gobble it down." - Thanks for that, Karen O.

APPLE HALF UNEATEN: While iTunes selling 50 million songs in a year is bloody impressive, they're probably kicking themselves that Steve Jobs gave the "one hundred million by 28th April" hostage to fortune which will manage to make a successful service look like it's somehow failed to do something.

We're a little worried about the prominence given to the MyCokeMusic.com logo and webaddress on the above BBC report, too - we know that there's a good reason for illustrating the story with something other than a standard picture of a CD or a computer, but the fact its always MCM that appears illustrating legal download stories - even in this case, where the logo is on the page twice for a story about iTunes - starts to look a little ill-advised. Isn't the phrase undue prominence?

JACKSON IN TROUBLE AGAIN: Elsewhere in the crazy world of media regulation, Ofcom have come down like a tonne of bricks on Sony Records and Michael Jackson after a fan complained that he'd bought a DVD which he'd seen advertised with footage of the Smooth Criminal video, only to find when he got it home that Smooth Criminal wasn't on the DVD at all. Personally, we'd have offered up a small thank you to the Lord and sent Sony Records a basket of fruit at this point, but instead this chap complained; Sony apologised and was told off for breaching advertising guidelines by airing a misleading ad. Something similar happened with a Cher CD, but I don't think any of us give a shit about the details on that one, do we?

AT LEAST HE DIDN'T MENTION THE POPE: Lots of quick apologising gets ITV off the hook over John Lydon's swearing on I'm A Celeb - although Sky Sports One were also given a 'don't let it happen again' over an incident where a greyhound owner sang "fuck the pope and the IRA"; oddly, though, ITV insist that they had to introduce a seven second delay system for the rest of the series - telling Ofcom how their mighty engineers had struggled through the night to make sure such a system could be in place before the next live segment. Erm... surely they must have had something like that in place anyway, so they could drop out sound on the ITV2 Live coverage when Jordan decided she was going to start claiming to have fucked the whole England team?

MTV WITHOUT THE INDIES?: The ongoing struggle between MTV and the independent sector looks set to escalate in the next couple of weeks, with the indies threatening to boycott the networks rather than accept Viacom's much-reduced cash offer. As we've said before, while MTV contains virtually no music, lest it causes too long a gap between programmes featuring rap stars muttering incoherently about the things they own, trying to program MTV2 or VH2 without access to the likes of The White Stripes or Sanctury Records' roster of artists could prove to be a bit of a challenge.

\m/: Calm down, David Draiman, calm down*

The world wants rock bands to be idiots. The world wants rock bands to be these bumbling buffoons, these morons who made fun of themselves and their music and their art and don't take themselves seriously in any way.
It's all supposed to be a joke. And it's funny. I heard that they have decided to start slinging shit in our direction and that we are an example of one of the bands that they're completely against.
That to them we symbolise this whole wave of nu-metal that is near its death. Are you fucking kidding me.
The irony is that they opened up for us in London at Brixton Academy and here they are talking shit about us.
I like the single, it's a catchy song, but it's not metal. It's pop-rock. How dare they call themselves metal. That's not metal. It'll never be metal!
Don't claim to be something you're not. Don't claim to be metal. Don't claim that you're authentic and we're not. Fuck you!"

Of course, while The Darkness are amusing and slap a smile on a face, they're nothing like as funny as watching a sweaty man make the veins bulge on the side of his head as he insists that he is the authentic face of ROCK. We're sure Draiman's little paddywack is nothing to do with that whole their old support band now the toast of the known world while they're still left slogging away playing smaller venues and dreaming of getting a date. We wonder when he actually came to the realisation that, basically, most of the world only tolerates rock for the chance to point and poke and giggle at the spandex and the posturing. And we wonder if that made him cry a little inside.

* - the lead singer of Disturbed. That you have to ask will only make it worse.

WHO SAID YOU HAD BEEN?: Interesting that Holly Vallance is being so quick to insist she's not been dropped by Universal. And, to be honest, she doesn't actually seem quite so convinced herself:

I would say so, yeah. I mean, so much is happening there at the moment, a lot of things are moving around and changing.
"I've always had an excellent relationship with the people there. I just feel positive about it, even though internally a lot of people are leaving, new people are coming in.
"Whether that's going to affect artists that are signed, I'm not sure at this stage. But I'm not worried about that either, because there's always going to be other things. I'm still young, a lot of people have stories to tell from their early days of ups and downs.

So, she runs from insisting she's still a part of the big Universal family to shrugging being dropped as a funny story she'll laugh about one day in about the course of a minute [recalls how faltering Vallance is in interviews] in the course of five minutes. And she's right, of course, a lot of people do have stories to tell from their early days - many's the time I've been regaled by tales of being dropped by a major by the chap I'm buying shoelaces off of.

PEOPLE WHO BUY OVERPRICED TROUSERS DISLIKE TAKE THAT: Diesel's long and over-complicated worst record poll has made the unlikely claim that Take That's cover of Could This Be Magic is the worst record ever. Which is obviously wrong, because it's not even the worst Take That record, bearing in mind they worked with Lulu. The same poll - which relied on people handing over the rubbish record in some sort of twisted parody of the Firearms Amnesty - discovered Rabbit, by Chas and Dave, to be the eigth worst single. Which means, unfortunately, that for all its expensive sexy advertising campaigns, Diesel clothing appeals to the sort of person who has a copy of a Chas and Dave single within easy reach. We're switching back to George at Asda in a bid to try and salvage some self-respect.

MTV SWELLS SCOTLAND BY NINE MILLION: In one of those figures that only consultants can come up with, SQW has decided the MTV Europe Awards put GBP8.9million into the Scottish economy last year, most of which was probably the costs of putting Christian Aguielra's people up. MTV has "congratulated Scotland on being a world-class destination", which sounds a little bit double-edged to us: you wouldn't say that to London or New York, would you?

HOW FAST THE ATTRACTION FADES - II: Peter Andre tickets not exactly dancing out of the booths, with just 17 people swapping cash for the chance to see him in Leicester's booming, cavernous DeMontfort Hall. He can take comfort, though, that he's sold more tickets for the Liverpool Philharmonic Hall than Iain Duncan Smith had managed by this stage - 127 against 67.

HOW FAST THE ATTRACTION FADES - I: Bryan McFadden left Westlife a week ago so he could spend more time with his wife and family. Had enough of that; now he's decided he's going to write and co-manage for, um, a South African rockband instead. To further raise an eyebrow on the attraction of spending time with Kerry, he even discovered the act while he was on honeymoon. Oh, the band are called Franklin. Yes, we imagine that does give a good idea of how deep their inventive, creative streak runs.

ME AGAINST THE SHOEMAKERS: More trouble for Britney Spears, who's facing a legal struggle over the words 'In the zone'. San Diego's answer to Mike Baldwin, Rodd Garner, has been using the phrase for twelve years to help shift his sportswear, and is afraid that people will get confused now Britney's using it to flog half undressed slaves. His attorney claims:

"When people who buy T-shirts think of 'In the Zone,' they think of Lite Breeze. But now they may no longer think of Lite Breeze" when they hear the line."

To be honest, we doubt if (i) people who buy t-shirts with half-assed slogans think of anything much when they're making their purchases and (ii) if anyone ever thinks of Lite Breeze at all, unless it's in the phrase "Lite Breeze? Is that a still drink with real fruit juice?"

WHY RECORD LABELS FAIL: Despite operating "successfully", the new regime at Warners has effectively axed its New Zealand operation, planning instead to run its kiwi roster from its Sydney office. Of course, it'll save them money, but it'll also cost them a hell of a lot of goodwill and make it virtually impossible for the label to attract any NZ talent in the future.

SOMEHOW WE DON'T QUITE BELIEVE THIS: The Darkness want a million quid to play Glasto? No disrespect to the Daily Mirror - it's not possible to disrespect any more a newspaper produced by chat show host Piers Morgan - but we don't believe it for a minute. It sounds to us like the band couldn't play Glastonbury and have made a flip "it'd cost you a million quid, Eavis" gag which is now getting reported as a factual demand.

We're also a little bit puzzled by the quote attributed to a "festival spokesman" that "no-one gets asked back two years in a row" - how come Billy Bragg's there every fucking year, then? And, just off the top of our heads, we remember Gomez getting excited over their leap up the bill from one year to the next; and we're certain Pulp did it two years running, and we have no doubt if we sat down with a pen and paper we'd come up with a huge list of artists who have trudged the mud two summers.

BOYBAND SINGER IN A COMA: Owen Griffin, member of Idolize, is in a coma following a fatal car crash in Scotland. Colleague Coln Baker was injured in the crash, which also claimed the life of his four year-old nephew James Michael Hayes and David Thompson, a motorcyclist. The band had been due to support Westlife at their St Patricks special which, obviously, now they won't be.

DUBLINERS FORCE CLOSURE OF OUTLET: After forty years, Belfast's Outlet Records is to close. Struggling in the new music world, the labels' fate was sealed when it lost a dispute with The Dubliners over mastertapes, racking up GBP900,000 in damages and a whole heap of legal costs.

The label's most unlikely artist was Pope John Paul II, whose Irish tour was converted into an album by the Outlet Team. It's believed to have been awarded the only Gold Disc ever earned by the head of the Catholic Church. John Paul never got round to recording a follow up, although he has indicated a willingness to replace Limahl in the newly reactivated KajaGooGoo, providing Nick Beggs tones down the religion a bit.

THE MELODY KINDA LINGERS: Following on from the hiphop remake of Yoshimi, the acceptance of the Flaming Lips by all sides in the music wars continues with The String Quartet Tribute To The Flaming Lips, which takes some of the band's best tracks and recreates them in a posh wedding stylee. They do She Don't Use Jelly, you'll be pleased to know, and if you imagine hard you can hear it playing in your head.

I COLLECT, I REJECT: Looking for a little something for Mother's Day? How about a small statue of Britney based on the 'Toxic' video?



Just imagine your grandchildren taking that to Antiques Roadshow in a few years time...

ALSO IN THE COMEBACK NET: I'm telling you, the way long-dead bands are returning we're going to need Buffy in here with her big, swinging axe to regain any semblance of control. Remember The 80s is reporting that the original KajaGooGoo line-up had such fun when they came back together for a one-off VH1 special, they've decided to make a whole new album. Only they've dumped Limahl again, so it really is like old times.

SHELLEY WAS RIGHT: She got onto us almost as soon as we'd posted about Stars And Their Eyes and Matthew Kelly, suggesting that when we said Matthew Kelly had taken over on Leslie Crowther's death was wrong; she rightly pointed out that Crowther had retired when he had a serious car accident but he didn't die for a couple of years.

YOU CAN'T TRUST THAT WOMAN: Good Morning America are going to let Janet Jackson play a concert for its veiwers on March 31st - but, of course, knowing what she's like, they're putting a five second delay on, just in case she squeezes her breast milk at the camera or reveals her womanly areas. Or moons. Or denounces Bush.

Apparently, America is now so genuinely scared of Janet Jackson and the possibility that she might do something sexy and unexpected, she even has to have a five second delay when she appears on the CCTV security monitors at the local bank.

WOOD SMOKE: Ronnie Wood is surprised he didn't die twenty six years ago, at the same time as Keith Moon. Although it's actually possible that he did, but he's been so stuffed full of uppers, downers, sideway zoomers, depressants, repressants, happy pills, sad pills, purple hearts, green dragons, microdots, megapots, bloomers, horse tranqs and Capstan Full Strengths that he 'total system shut down' message has yet to make it through his nervous system, so his body just carries on ticking over like a car in Alaska when the owner's gone to bed.

Doctors have warned Ronnie that if he doesn't quit the fags, he could be dead within the year. Which is a hell of a brave statement to make when Wood has been confounding medical science since about 1960.

QUEEN FINDS SPIRITUAL HOME: There's something right about godawful Ben Elton/Queen "musical" We Will Rock You's plans to open in Vegas, which is conceeded by one of the show's supporters Jane Rosenthal: "When you think of Queen the musical, Vegas is the right place for us to go." We seem to differ from jane solely on the issue of if this reflects well or badly upon the quality of the endeavour.

ROSS CLEARS HERSELF: Diana Ross is going to contest claims that she didn't quite serve her sentence what with all the popping in and out. Police records insist that Ross didn't spend a twenty four period inside, as she was supposed to. Ross' lawyers counter that they have evidence that she did manage to keep in a cell for a full day without nipping down Dev's MiniMart for a packet of fags and a Take a Break. The stunning evidence which puts her in the clear? Her, um, totally impartial diary.

WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU CROSS MICHAEL JACKSON WITH CHILDREN'S TOYS?: Okay, maybe sometimes you'd get a federal case, but in this instance the answer we're looking for is the Thriller video, remade in Lego. [The website is in German, which isn't a problem; the video is in Windows Media, which is a shame.]

In other Jackson news, Lisa-Marie Presley has been talking about her time with Jackson, when the couple had a short-lived publicity stunt ("marriage"). Lisa doesn't actually say anything that's interesting in itself, but does flag up her intention to spill beans should the correct magic phrase be said (either "another million, Mrs. Jackson-Cage-Presley?" or "take the Bible in your right hand and..."):

Presley said she felt "powerless in a lot of ways, in terms of ... realizing that I was part of a machine, and seeing things going on that I couldn't do anything about," she said. "And don't ask me what sort of things, because I'm not going to answer. But just stuff."