Saturday, December 02, 2006

Junk couture

We worry about Victoria Newton's health - such a young person, and yet so often frothing with indignation her blood pressure must make her like an over-filled aerosol. Please, whatever you do with Newton, do not discard her in a fire.

Today, she's boiling and bubbling over the news that Vogue is going to put Pete Doherty on the cover. Apparently oblivious to the hundreds of newspapers and magazines which have already done this - we seem to remember Newton herself was happy to run interviews with the man - Victoria has, through breaths gulped into a brown paper bag, spotted what might be a horseman of the apocalypse in our very own Mews flats:

I personally think its disgusting that he is held up as an icon of beauty and cool — no matter how talented he is.

Should the UK’s fashion bible really get away with being so irresponsible? Doherty persistently breaks the law, treats rehab like a holiday camp and carries on getting wasted on hard drugs.


Well, yes... it's true that Doherty does seem to treat the law as something to be adhered to with a degree of flexibility, but since when did Vogue have to run background checks on its cover stars?

And more to the point, if promoting Doherty and his work is tantamount to forcing kids to eat heroin instead of sherbert, and calling for crack cocaine to be on sale in every school vending machine from here to Arbroath, then why does the Sun's own Bizarre Jukebox feature so many Babyshambles songs?

Oozing over Pete in July, the Sun says And you can get a sneak peek right here with our WORLD EXCLUSIVE VIDEO for the band's new single Fuck Forever.

The song is one of Pete's best and the vid even features a momentary cameo from his girlfriend - supermodel Kate Moss."


And, in a caption to a video the paper only posted earlier this week, The Sun chuckles indulgently Pete Doherty needs little introduction. As well known for his outrageous stunts and on/off relationship with supermodel Kate Moss as his music, the ex-Libertine is proving he can still make great music with his new band.

Doesn't Victoria think it disgusting that the newspaper section she's purportedly in charge of is holding up Pete Doherty as an icon of cool?


Noel in the comfort of your own home

He might be a multi-millionaire, but we'd still be counting the spoons: Noel Gallagher has played a gig in a fan's living room. Either he's really desperate to shore up sales of the new album in an increasingly competitive Christmas market, or Pontyn's Ben Hayes had won some sort of radio competition.

Noel sang three of his own songs. The second-prize winner woke up yesterday to discover Liam Gallagher sitting on top of him, before he was subjected to every song Liam ever wrote, twice.


Busted up the jungle

Congratulations - if that's the word, rather than a sad, sympathetic clucking noise - to Matt from Busted, who's joined the long list of winners of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here - beating off Myleene Klass and Jason Donovan, in something of a triumvirate triumph for fading popstars.

Matt will now be hoping that his career path follows that of fellow former plastic band member Kerry Katona, whose humiliation in the jungle was so worthwhile she was reduced to flogging Iceland's Prawn Rings in the break bumpers for the current series.

It's interesting that Myleene seems to have now finally abandoned her attempts to reinvent herself as the thinking graduate of Cowell's single-idea TV academy. She'd started the year co-presenting an astronomy programme alongside Adam Hart-Davis, and ended it showering herself next to Toby Anstis. Still, she tried some cod philosophy:

"I have had a lot time to reflect on things. You realise your family are just the pinnacle of everything. You realise how much you rely on them."

Certainly, we do rely on our family not to make us strip to our pants and shove cockroaches into our crotch, all the while threatening to withhold food from Liza Minnelli's ex-husband if we don't appear to enjoy it.

Jason Donovan - a man whose truthfulness has been proven in open court - explained his reasons for taking part in the show. No, not "at least it's over faster than a Southport panto and you don't have to spend six weeks in a poor-quality hotel":

Donovan described his time in the jungle as "three weeks out of my life to do something different".

"For my kids, it was a great opportunity for them to see their dad do something different," he said.


Well, yes, although what your kids get out of watching you make a former newsreader eat emu bollocks on prime time TV is something they'll have to explore with their therapists in the years to come, we suspect.


Friday, December 01, 2006

Of course... it's all the BBC's fault

The Economic and Social Research Centre has carried out an investigation into the British Music Industry, Creative Destruction in the Music Industry: the Way Ahead, which has been cherry picked by the Evening Standard to deliver the sort of BBC-kicking headline the Associated Newspaper group loves:

BBC 'damaging music industry'

A stinging attack on the music industry was launched today, with the BBC accused of contributing to the mass manufacture of boy and girl bands. [...]

The report says that "the BBC dominates what does and does not get played in the UK" and calls for it to end its "monopoly of the airwaves."

It says that "Radio 1 and other BBC stations still believe, despite all the years of co-existence with commercial radio, that they are the arbiters of what the great British public should and should not listen to each day."

It says: "This patronising attitude has repercussions throughout the music business and severely damages the prospects for many signed British acts who because of this face the prospect of never being played on radio.

"At the same time, the BBC is guilty of helping the manufactured boy-band/girl-band phenomena retain its potency.

"It did not help that the BBC has launched its own version of music reality shows. A seemingly endless supply of bland inoffensive or unoriginal music is played by the BBC and all its outlets.

"Much of this fare is similar to the music in the lift. The BBC steadfastly ignores the vibrant live music scene in the UK."


We're a little confused - we assume that the since the report's editor, Andrew Ian Dodge, is described as "American", he must live in the US and hence doesn't really know A from a bull's foot about the UK media industry.

If he'd got in touch, we'd have been happy to offer him a primer, although he could have perhaps got a little insight by reading his own report.

If the BBC operates a "monopoly" of the airwaves, why would it then "launch its own version of music reality shows" - why would a dominant broadcaster even feel the need to try and play catch-up? And if the BBC has this controlling power over the music industry, how is it the winners of their shows - David Sneddon and Alex Parks, if you're boning for a pub quiz - head straight to the bottom of the dumper, while Girls Aloud, Liberty X, Will Young and other ITV-manufactured bands thrive for years?

The claim that "the BBC steadfastly ignores the vibrant music scene in the UK" is so obviously wrong even Lord Hutton would have removed it from his report as being a victory of dogma over common sense. The BBC covers Glastonbury, WOMAD, Reading; does the Electric Proms; provides starts for numerous small bands on radio one, provides a network focused on black and Asian music. It could do more, but the sort of music which gets only limited access to the airwaves - tucked away after teatime, or on Sunday afternoons - isn't really the sort of thing that is going to sell in significant amounts in the US anyway.

Even if it would: does he really think that commercial networks have any interest in playing singer-songwriters from Bolton or bhangra from Bradford? The suggestion that a radio world without a BBC would suddenly turn into an unfettered dial full of vibrant, exciting British music is so laughable, we half expect Jeremy Beadle to pop out from behind the ESRC offices clutching his sides: "We had you going there..."

Look at the radio in Dodge's home nation. Without a BBC to "exert" monopoly influence, you find yourself switching between dozens of stations with common ownership and standardised formats - if it wasn't for NPR and college stations, you'd never hear anything beyond the few bands primed by the large labels.

Which brings us to another weakness in Dodge's case. He claims - quite fairly - that a lot of the trouble UK bands have in the US is down to the record labels. But it doesn't seem to occur to him that it might be the cartel operated by the labels might be the key problem here, rather than a made-up boogeyman of BBC Radio dominance. Indeed, when artists outside of the RIAA cartel try to hit American radio, they might find part of the problems they have been facing is that of payola locking them out.

We might have a strong public service broadcasting in this country: that's actually how we're able to have a vibrant music scene.

Still, at least Dodge has got his head round the internet:

The report also criticises record companies for suing their own customers for illegal downloading and for expecting their lesser acts to subsidise the "so called top of the roster."

"British record companies need to stop complaining about the internet and broadband so they can develop their own ways to use it for its full potential", it says.

"Their trade bodies need to end their paranoia about all the money 'lost' by illegal downloading as well."


Apparently, though, the American record companies don't need to.


New-ah! Sounds of joyous-aaaah!

As if the promise of a Fall album early next year isn't enough to get you salivating, NME.com has got hold of the tracklist, which is as full of apparently meaningless noises and the sort of startled shouts you'd get if you woke an old man mid-afternoon-nap as you might expect:

'Over! Over!'
'Reformation'
'Fall Sound'
'White Line Fever'
'Insult Song'
'My Door Is Always Open'
'Coach And Horses'
'The Wright Stuff'
'Scenario'
'Das Bootuboat'
'Tim Song'
'Systematic Abuse'

The whole thing will carry itself under the proud title of Reformation Post TLC. Of course.


Now, your iPod can replace your boyfriend

With the ever-growing capacity of iPods, you could store your entire life on one. If only you could marry it, eh?

Well, now you almost can, thanks to the OhMiBod vibrator attachment for your device. It pulses in time with whatever you're listening to, which might be fun if you've got some punk classic, less so if it's the In Our Time podcast.

The most appealing idea about this is that you could bittorrent some tracks, stick 'em on an OhMiBod enabled player, and call up the RIAA to tell 'em that now everybody's getting fucked by unpaid downloads.

Microsoft have announced plans for an attachment to Zune which might let you do it, but only three times with any one partner.


Peaches: You can't change your luck

It's splendid to hear that Peaches Geldof - who is, of course, "street" and not the pampered daughter of a multi-millionaire - thinks that the way to approach a grotty gig in the Kentish Town Forum is four costume changes. Like she was Shirley Bassey in Vegas.

It didn't help her much, anyway. Apparently she got booed every time she took to the stage.

No outfit could help her.


One feels such a silly fella putting up one's umbrella

Will Young. There's nothing he wouldn't do for charity.

Apart from going out in the rain.

Apparently, playing a charity do in Durban - in aid of something or other - he'd been given his pink champagne, and his pink towels, and nobody had minded too much when he refused to be photographed with some kids. But then it started raining and he refused to go on stage.

A stage with a roof.

Assuming the 3AM Girls have got their facts straight, we can only assume he's making the most of his fame while it's still here.


Heather Kills

In what is, certainly, a very real danger and not yet another half-arsed attempt to try and win some public sympathy, Heather Mills has told the BBC she's getting death threats:

"We've had a few death threats which is pretty scary.

"We don't have any funding for security."


Well, if the death threats are serious, could I suggest that perhaps you redirect some of the costs of your other staff to security? After all, if you're genuinely in fear of your life, surely it's better to concentrate your outgoings on bodyguards rather than, say, personal fitness instructors?

In fact, maybe it'd best if you sent Bea to live with her Dad. He seems to have plenty of security in place.

If it's a genuine worry.


Martin has the hots for Allen

Good lord, we haven't even gone near one of those online 'what would their kids look like' sites, but the news that Chris Martin has been trying to keep his options open with Lily Allen is more than enough to disturb our sleep patterns. He's been dedicating songs to the daughter of actor Keith Allen:

“This is for Lily Allen. She’s gorgeous, she’s sweet. And if I wasn’t married…”

... you'd be old enough to be her father and it still would be disquieting, Chris.


Everybody lives for the music-go-round

Kim Wilde has said the sort of thing that Elton John needs to hear every so often - that he sometimes only has the vaguest connection with everyday life. Something Elton has admitted himself from time to time, between sacking florists and reworking songs about dead drug-addicted film stars into plodding hymns to dead princesses.

Victoria Newton, though, throws a fit, damning Kim from the public prints:

"I always had her down as a mild-mannered, softly spoken elder stateswoman of cheesy pop.

But frumpy Kim, now a gardening expert, has dished out a completely unprovoked public pruning."


Hang about... Kim Wilde may be a gardening expert, but frumpy? Victoria Newton, do you even know what frumpy means?

So, what did Kim have to say?

“He’s deluded. The man has always been deluded.

“He’s lived a very unreal life for so many, many years, with so much excess that he’s lost touch with some realities of life. He’s become a self-indulgent person.”

“He should refer all his criticism to himself. I won’t abide tantrums in my children and I can’t bear them in an adult. It’s disgusting.”

“I’ve always been aware that he hasn’t written any lyrics himself.

“You never get much of Elton, but I wonder if there’s very much to have. But he’s a great musician.”


All of which is fair enough - Elton shoots his mouth off, and relies on his lyricists.

Victoria, though, is fuming. Doesn't Kim know that Elton puts money in the poor box?:

A huge part of Elton’s appeal is due to the way he speaks his mind.

He has also shown incredible generosity, donating millions to charity.


Some of the millions, of course, included a large payout from The Sun when the paper ran a story claiming he'd cut his dog's vocal cords, if you want to get into examining "vicious unprovoked attacks" on Elton.

Incidently, Kelvin McKenzie, who was editor of the Sun at the time, thinks that Elton John should repay that money:

In 1987, The Sun had falsely alleged that the singer had his “vicious Rottweiler dogs” silenced by a "horrific operation” to remove their larynges.

[Kelvin] says: “Bloody Elton John. I think The Sun should have its million quid back. It hasn’t damaged him at all, has it?

“Libel can only have a value if there has been some kind of damage, right? Where is the damage? Where? There’s nothing wrong with him. So no, I don’t feel bad about him, not at all.”


The suggestion that a man's reputation would be unharmed if the public were to believe - falsely - he inflicted cruel operations on animals to protect his peace and quiet? Oddly, Victoria Newton didn't seem to be bothered that unprovoked attack.


Stewart uncouples the Hunter

It's not entirely clear that he's been aware he's been a married man for the last sixteen years, but now reality has caught up with his image: Rod Stewart and Rachel Hunter have finally divorced.

They've been separated for almost as long as they were married. This leaves Rod free to upgrade to a similar model with more recent features.


Thursday, November 30, 2006

Robbie Williams is not getting a gift from Alan McGee

He might not have quite the sure, safe pair of ears that he had before foisting Oasis on us, but Alan McGee knows a pop tosser when he sees one:

"Robbie's just a showbiz chancer. It's people like him who are destroying British pop culture. He has one per cent of Mick Jagger’s talent. He's the post 9/11 feel good factor. He doesn't mean anything. He's utterly vacant."

Which is fair enough. Although from a man who gave Noel Gallagher a platform, it rings a little hollow.


Black thrown into jail

Twisted Black, the rapper, has been given a life sentence for his part in a massive series of cocaine deals in Texas.

Although, to be honest, if he was doing the kilo of coke trades every three weeks claimed in the court case, he was more a drug dealer with a rap career on the side, wasn't he?


iTunes: Please limit your passion to thirty characters

Apple like to invite famous people of all sorts (though no bear handlers yet) to post their favourite songs up in iTunes, along with a small commentary about what makes those songs special to them.

Kevin Smith went a little further than the usual 'this reminds me of something my PR person said I should remember', and - for his efforts - got knocked back.

It seems Apple don't like it when people actually have a tale to tell about their musical life. Or at least, their database can't cope when someone tries.

[Plug: We still reckon Kevin Smith's greatest moment is Chasing Amy]


Dion, month off

Terrible news for anyone who had been hoping to pick up a terrible disease from Celine Dion (that is the only reason anyone goes to see her show, right?): her Las Vegas show has been put on hold until December 28th because she's being treated for Mycoplasma bronchitis, a contagious bacterial infection.

Music fans who had tickets for her shows said they weren't too upset, as they actually would have preferred to put hot chestnuts down their knickers and run through a room full of hungry squirrels than see the show anyway, although some Celine superfans expressed disappointment that the cancellation was going to prevent them from attempting to collect mycoplasma bronchitis spores from the air around Celine's head. "We believe they may be imbued with magical healing properties" said one, "or at least fetch a few bucks on eBay."


That'll teach Kim

As if life starving to death under the leadership of a paranoid case wasn't already grim enough, the American State Department has banned North Koreans from getting their hands on iPods, along with a large number of other luxury goods.

It's interesting: Saddam doesn't have weapons, and yet America and the UK invade, dropping depleted uranium onto children and sparking a massive civil war.

Kim develops and tests nuclear weapons in full view of the world media, and all North Korea has to contend with is the blacking out of some of the pricier items in the Argos catalogue.

We're sure Kim Jong Il will be really annoyed, though. After all, a man who is able to pull together a few nuclear bombs out of thin air is going to find putting his hand on a couple of Video ipods well beyond his evil abilities.


Winehouse schoolhouse

There's probably no such thing a s a safe engagement for Amy Winehouse, but you'd have thought having a crack at inviting her to a school in the morning would have given fairly good odds on a meeting without incident.

The Mirror reckons her trip to the Brits School in Croydon defeated those odds:

in a diva strop she refused to take part in filming for TV after a row with her boyfriend. She stormed off in tears from the school.

Says our classroom insider: "It was chaos.

Some of the younger children were crying because they were so looking forward to seeing Amy perform.

"And the production staff just looked at each in disbelief, not knowing what too say.

"We tried to get her to change her mind, but she was having none of it and kept shouting 'no'."


Maybe she was trying to sing that song she ruins by honking No No No like she's calling workers to the morning shift on it?

Of course, a ruined school visit is nothing without the crushed face of a small children, their hopes and dreams dashed cruelly to the floor. Luckily, the Mirror rounds one up:

One pupil told us: "We wish Katie had come instead for the filming because we wouldn't have got any diva-like behaviour from her.

"Amy was in such a state and just crying. She is an idol to many of us here because of what she's achieved so soon after leaving and we couldn't believe how she behaved."


We're not entirely sure we believe this, though. First, the vague "one pupil told us" - we know that girls are getting harder and boys, they moisturise more, but surely it's not that difficult to tell one gender from another?

Then there's the claim that Amy Winehouse is, more-or-less worshipped as an idol. Not even if Croydon does that sound likely.

And, finally, the "we wish Katie had come" bit - there's not a soul alive who, given the choice between a drunk and incapable Amy Winehouse and Katie Melua would be opting for Melua. Sure, Winehouse might be sick in your piano, but at least there's no chance she'd turn up with Jamie Cullum in tow.


Apples come together

To be frank, we're not entirely sure that the vast majority of iPod-waving people are especially bothered at the lack of official Beatles downloads to be had right now - when Macca and co held aloof from CD releases, it looked greedy and spiteful, spitting on the fans desperate to give them cash; but you seldom hear anyone sighing that they can't wait until they get a DRM-hobbled copy of Lovely Rita, do you?

Anyway, it looks like anyone waiting will soon have their wait over: Fortune reckons that Apple (the iPod one) and Apple (the label) are about to strike a deal:

While details remain to be worked out, Fortune has learned that iTunes is close to a deal to bring the Beatles catalog online. Apple Computer is said to be angling to become the exclusive online music store for the Beatles for a limited window of time. Other music stores, such as Microsoft's MSN and Rhapsody, have courted the Beatles over the years to no avail, but it appears Apple is close to getting first dibs on the band's hits.

Of course, The Beatles have spent much of the last thirty years fighting battles with Apple Computers; it's nice to see that they can put their differences to one side when there's a monster payday to be had.


We don't want to hear it...

However, since it's popped up on the web, some of you may be curious to hear the noise made when Amy Winehouse comes together with Ghostface. [RealAudio link]

Apparently the track is called You Know I'm No Good. Always nice to see some self-awareness, isn't it?


We don't want to hear it...

However, since it's popped up on the web, some of you may be curious to hear the noise made when Amy Winehouse comes together with Ghostface. [RealAudio link]

Apparently the track is called You Know I'm No Good. Always nice to see some self-awareness, isn't it?


Britney's first husband breaks his silence

He's kept his silence for months - hundreds of times longer than he kept her as his wife - but now Jason Alexander has decided he can resist the interview circuit no longer (which means either The Sun has found his price, or else he's accepted he's not getting any rebound action this time):

“I have always loved her and I always will. It’s best for everyone that Kevin and her have split. She is much more confident now.

“I was really shocked when she married Kevin. I figured it was a fling that would fly over. I never thought she’d marry him. He always seemed so negative."


Well, he was half right - it was a fling that flew over. Although, of course, she did marry him.

“Their problems were because she had kids and that he wanted to pursue a career and was just never home.”

Unlike, of course, his own marriage to Britney which never even made it home, choosing instead to stick to the time-honoured "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" slogan.

Of course, having discarded the maker of 2006's worst album, Britney hooked up straight away with the maker of the second worst: from K-Fed to Paris Hilton. Jason, clearly, has been thinking about Britney and Paris a lot:

http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=1930103 “All beautiful girls like other girls in some way. All girls are attracted to other girls. She found other girls attractive, yes, but we never did anything about it."

We can only imagine what state that young man's sports socks are in at the moment.

He breaks off from his sapphic reverie long enough to talk about his own time cramping Britney's inner bisexual. But not in too much depth, as he's got a book to plug:

“It focuses on all the stuff that no one knows.

“It’s about the marriage, my friendship with Britney and all the lines in between.

“Britney knows about it. There are things in the book that will upset her. There will be things in the book she will be mad at.

“It’s all the details of the wedding and all the stuff that’s been going on.

“It talks about everything. There is no holding back because that’s what people want to know about.

“It does feature our sex life. It does feature having sex with her and what that was like.”


Brief and drunken, we're guessing. And just maybe she kept asking if she could call him Helen.


"... and I want the sausage roll recipe"

Following on from her not-entirely-convincing claims that she wasn't interested in the money, she's been spotted wandering about with a game plan on a notepad seeking possession of the matrimonial home.

The Sun's Virginia Wheeler is outraged:

HEARTLESS Heather Mills sinks to a new low — by flashing plans to seize the beloved home Sir Paul McCartney shared with his late wife Linda.

"Flashing" here should be taken as "not covering up in inches-thick lead thereby allowing photographers with a long lens to read what it said", but one does wonder how a woman who is keen for us to think of her as charitable, frugal, and hard-done by keeps doing things like this.


Wednesday, November 29, 2006

If you have tears, prepare to shed them

Universal Records - currently demanding a stupid USD150,000 from MySpace for "copyright infringements" by its users (that's per song, not in total) - have more or less admitted to Reuters that they're using the US courts to conduct a business negotiation rather than seriously pursuing a claim:

Universal Music Group Chief Executive Doug Morris said on Tuesday he expected News Corp.'s MySpace to settle a copyright infringement lawsuit the music company filed against it earlier this month.

[...]

"I think it will settle. It would be a horrible case for them to lose," Morris said at the Reuters Media Summit.

[...]

"They're not that happy that we sued them but all these issues about infringement have to be worked out as we go into this transitional period for the industry," Morris said, referring to the move to digital distribution.

Morris said he believed the music industry would emerge stronger once many of these issues were resolved.

"When we get through it, it will be the resurrection of an enormous business," he said.


This sort of thing, of course, would be equally possible to achieve through negotiation - including artists, perhaps - in the best interests of everyone except the expensive lawyers who are running up calculator-defying bills. Never mind, though - those bills, ultimately, will be paid by consumers and artists.

It doesn't make Morris happy, though, all this:

"I hate being in the middle of this and I don't want to be looked at as the suing chairman.

"It's the worst thing that could ever happen to me."


Aw... I think... I'm filling up. Poor man, forced against his will and instincts to spend days and days dreaming up spurious court battles just to make sure his legal team don't get bored and start taking the photocopiers to pieces again.

If you don't want to be thought of as the suing chairman, perhaps... stop suing everybody?


Church closures

In all the excitement over her not-especially-good chat show and the diverting row with Girls Aloud, nobody really paid much attention to the less-than-glittering performance of the reinvented Charlotte Church singing career.

Almost nobody. Label Sony-BMG did, and they weren't happy. Shortly after taking a decision not to bother to launch her in the US, Sony-BMG have dropped her.

Or "allowed her to concentrate on opportunities presenting television programmes", as her publicist would rather it be presented. It's the sort of mutual consent where someone yells "I'm going" as they pick their best clothes out the rose bushes, we suspect.


Never mind the nuclear poisonings, focus on the mp3s

You might wonder if, when vocal critics of a nation's president end up nuked to death and shitting contaminated poop into Thames Water's sewage system, you'd want to be welcoming that nation more deeply into the family of nations.

The US seems determined to, though, and only one major hurdle to Russia joining the World Trade Organisation remains. No, not the corpses of those who try to find out what Putin's really up to; the existence of AllofMP3, of course.

Now, it seems, Russia has promised to do something about the service to prove how keen it is to be in the WTO:

The summary says: "The United States and Russia agreed on the objective of shutting down websites that permit illegal distribution of music and other copyright works. The agreement names the Russia-based website allofmp3.com as an example of such a website.

"Russia will take enforcement actions against the operation of Russia-based websites, and investigate and prosecute companies that illegally distribute copyright works on the internet."


Curiously, though, the Russian delegation have promised to introduce some new legislation by next summer to help deal with the AllofMP3 problem. Which does lend some credence to AllofMP3's claims that its behaviour doesn't violate current Russian law - because if it did, why would the Duma need six months to draft some new legislation rather than using statutes already on the books?

[Thanks to Franco M for the link]


Elton offers it up John Howard

John Howard, the dismal Prime Minister of Australia, attempted to get involved with British politics during the last election when his hapless fixer Lynton Crosby was dropped in to run the Tory Party campaign. (How did that work out, we wonder?)

Now, we've sent Howard a gift. Elton John has got involved in Australian politics:

The musician, on an Australian tour, was asked if he had a message for Howard, whose government overruled a local law allowing gay unions in June.

"Up yours!" replied the outspoken star, who "married" his partner David Furnish in a civil ceremony last year.


Howard has insisted that there was nothing homophobic in his government's striking down of the Australian Capital's Territory allowing gay marriage:

"It is not a question of discriminating against them," he said.

"It is a question of preserving as an institution in our society marriage as having a special character.

"If you look at the legislation, what it effectively says, a civil union is not a marriage, but it will be treated for all purposes as being equivalent to a marriage," he added.


When someone tries to tell us they're not homophobic, but calls gay people "them", we always find it difficult to take them at their word.


From the big chin of TV to the long arm of the law

There's lots of recorded instances of the police tempting hapless crooks with the promise of free tickets to shows, rounding them up when they arrive, clutching popcorn and opera glasses. It happens less often these days, perhaps because the wiseguys have got wise.

However, if you are trying to avoid sitting down with a policeman to explain your recent past, we'd suggest you might still want to avoid printing the details of your movements in TV Guide.

Snoop Dogg, leaving a taping of The Late Show with Jay Leno, discovered this the hard way, as cops pulled him over as he left the studio and, allegedly, discovered marijuana, cocaine and a firearm in his car. Either Dogg hasn't really learned the lessons of his many run-ins with police, or else the Leno programme is giving their guests a hell of a gift bag.


Madonna's adoption will be challenged

Now that the horse has bolted, or at least been given a comfy bed and a taste of London life, Judge Andrew Nyirenda has allowed 67 Malawian human rights groups permission to proceed with their calls for a review of the events which led Madonna to taking David out the country.

Not that Madonna needs to worry: after all, she convinced Oprah Winfrey that there weren't any laws in Malawi and so she shouldn't have any problem explaining to the court that rather than getting special treatment because she was rich and famous, there were no rules to ignore.


Noel cuts out some of the dead wood

We understand that Noel Gallagher is going to promote Slurp The Cocks with an acousticy jaunt round Europe, accompanied by Gem and nobody else. We're sure he invited Liam along, though, and it's not an attempt to try and figure out the answer to the question that's bugged us for over a decade: what's the point of paying two of them?