No Rock And Roll Fun

GRAMMYLICIOUS: So, it was Beyonce's night (five awards) at a Grammy awards so sober, Coldplay won a prize. We're slightly confused what the actual difference between 'record of the year' and 'album of the year' is, but record was Clocks by Coldplay; album Speakerboxxx/The Love Below by Outkast. We presume that Elephant winning best alternative album officially means that Coldplay cannot be considered indie in any sense any more, officially at least. Although are White Stripes alternative or rock? Because while Elephant took the alternative album prize, seven nation army took the best rock song prize. Coldplay, Outkast, Beyonce, White Stripes - the Grammys, Brits and Brats have finally become one, haven't they?

As ever, the awards was a roaring success for the halt and the lame, with Johnny Cash, George Harrison, Warren Zevon, June Carter Cash and the survived-just Luther Vandross picking up prizes - well, not picking them up as such, but you get the point. Oddly, though, nothing for Barry White; and even more oddly, Johnny Cash's award was for making the best pop video (Hurt, of course) rather than for his music, which seems like praising Jesus because of his beard.

Christina picks up the 'ooh, listen - six or seven different notes a word' Whitney Houston memorial prize for best female pop performance on Beautiful, thereby ensuring we're going to get another twelve months of 'woo-OOOO-oooo-00000-aaaaa' strewn ballads; Timberlake's squeaking through Cry Me A River was best male pop vocal performance. Sting won a prize, but that's the law, isn't it? (Best pop collaboration for his work with Mary J Blige) and Kylie picked up a small gramophone statue for Come Into My World, the best dance recording.

Perhaps the oddest award is for Mikhail Gorbachev, who shares his prize for reading bits of Peter and the Wolf with Sophia Loren and Bill Clinton.

Here's the winners - not in full, because that goes on forever

Record of the year
Clocks - Coldplay

Album of the year
Speakerboxxx/The Love Below - OutKast

Song of the year
Dance With My Father - Luther Vandross

Best new artist
Evanescence

Best female pop vocal performance
Beautiful - Christina Aguilera

Best male pop vocal performance
Cry Me A River - Justin Timberlake

Best pop performance by a duo or group with vocal
Underneath It All - No Doubt

Best pop collaboration with vocals
Whenever I Say Your Name - Sting and Mary J Blige

Best pop instrumental performance
Marwa Blues - George Harrison

Best pop vocal album
Justified - Justin Timberlake

Best dance recording
Come Into My World - Kylie Minogue

Best traditional pop vocal album
A Wonderful World - Tony Bennett & kd lang

Best female rock vocal performance
Trouble - Pink

Best male rock vocal performance
Gravedigger - Dave Matthews

Best vocal rock performance by a duo or group
Disorder in the House - Warren Zevon and Bruce Springsteen

Best hard rock performance
Bring Me To Life - Evanescence feat Paul McCoy

Best metal performance
St Anger - Metallica

Best rock song
Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes

Best rock album
One By One - Foo Fighters

Best alternative album
Elephant - The White Stripes

Best female R&B vocal performance
Dangerously In Love 2 - Beyonce

Best male R&B vocal performance
Dance With My Father - Luther Vandross

Best vocal R&B performance by a duo or group
The Closer I Get To You - Beyonce & Luther Vandross

Best traditional R&B vocal performance
Wonderful - Aretha Franklin

Best urban/alternative performance
Hey Ya! - OutKast

Best R&B song
Crazy In Love - Beyonce feat Jay-Z

Best R&B album
Dance With My Father - Luther Vandross

Best contemporary R&B album
Dangerously In Love - Beyonce

Best female rap solo performance
Work It - Missy Elliott

Best male rap solo performance
Lose Yourself - Eminem

Best rap/sung collaboration
Crazy In Love - Beyonce feat Jay-Z

Best rap song
Lose Yourself - Eminem

Best rap album
Speakerboxxx/The Love Below - OutKast

Best country song
It's Five O'Clock Somewhere - Alan Jackson & Jimmy Buffett

Best country album
Livin', Lovin', Losin', Songs Of The Louvin Brothers - Various Artists

Best bluegrass album
Live - Alison Krauss + Union Station

Best traditional tropical Latin album
Buenos Hermanos - Ibrahim Ferrer

Best salsa/merengue album
Regalo Del Alma - Celia Cruz

Best traditional folk album
Wildwood Flower - June Carter Cash

Best contemporary folk album
The Wind - Warren Zevon

Best reggae album
Dutty Rock - Sean Paul

Best traditional world music album
Sacred Tibetan Chant - The Monks Of Sherab Ling Monastery

Best contemporary world music album
Voz D'Amor - Cesaria Evora

Best spoken word album for children
Prokofiev: Peter And The Wolf/Beintus, Wolf Tracks - Bill Clinton, Mikhail Gorbachev & Sophia Loren

Best engineered album, non-classical
Hail To The Thief - Radiohead (Nigel Godrich and Darrell Thorp, engineers)

Producer of the year, non-classical
The Neptunes

Best classical album
Mahler: Symphony No 3; Kindertotenlieder - Michael Tilson Thomas, conductor, San Francisco Symphony

Best orchestral performance
Mahler: Symphony No. 3 - Pierre Boulez, conductor, Vienna Philharmonic

Best short form music video
Hurt -Johnny Cash