MADONNA'S BONES FELL TO PIECES

Nobody would wish a fall from a horse on anybody, as it's a nasty business and very upsetting for the horse. So, obviously, we feel a pang of sympathy for Madonna, flung from one of her posh mate's polo ponies, but even so, we're not sure what her claim about the incident actually means. How does your entire skeleton collapse?

"I said I didn't really know how to ride a polo horse but my friend said: 'He's so tame'."

Madonna, with husband Guy Ritchie and friends, had only been riding a few months.

She added: "So I go on, and he went crazy and I went down. I was thinking 'I'm graceful, I'm a dancer, I'm going to land, I'm going to roll and it's going to be fine'."

Instead, she fell heavily on the hard ground. Madonna told US show Primetime: "I tried to stand up and my whole skeleton collapsed on me and I fainted."

So, the pony rushed off, with Madonna trying to cling on to it desperately, making the pony a rich visual metaphor for her career, then. We wonder if the bloke who owned the horse then went in that stagey, oh-I'm-surprised-though-reallt-I'm-not way "oh... that's not my polo pony, that's Wild Willy, the unbreakable stallion. What a terrible mistake..."

So: Madonna's skeleton collapsed, and yet a couple of months later she's dancing about on Children In Need. Okay, the dancing wasn't up to much, and the audience gave her a round of cheers when she just rotated through 360 degrees. Yes, that bad the crowd decided to give her some encouragement for turning right the way round. But she didn't give the air of a woman who had had to have her entire skeleton rebuilt a few eeeks back. We wonder if she meant it compacted?

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