REMAKE, REMODEL

In some sort of poll designed to draw attention to some company or other's financial product, Sharon Osbourne has come out top.

But can you guess what it is she's being lauded for? Here's the top ten:

1 Sharon Osbourne
2 Madonna
3 Carol Vorderman
4 Cher
5 Davina McCall
6 Catherine Zeta-Jones
7 Camilla Parker Bowles
8 Kirstie Alley
9 Kelly Osbourne
10 Jade Goody

No, not "most irritating woman on the planet", or "people who could most comfortably be shut in a bus and sent off to spend the rest of their lives in Kent without anyone being very upset, with the possible exception of the people of Kent." Apparently, these people have been selected as having been the "most successful re-inventions."

Davina's re-invention from a mildly successful functionary on a human zoo to ratings car-crash seems an odd choice, as does Kelly Osbourne, who was a pointless hanger-on in an irritating TV show and is now just a pointless hanger-on.

But we're really not buying this list at all - how many British people, asked to name a celebrity who remodelled themselves, would cite Kirstie Alley? "We really liked her in Cheers, then she apparently got fat and only made adverts we couldn't see here, and then she made Fat Actress which, if it transmitted here at all, was tucked away god knows where, and then apparently lost all the weight." Unless they've selected her for her change from intelligent, funny woman into scientologist dupe?

There's a balancing rubbish change list, too:

1 Michael Jackson
2 Pete Burns
3 Jocelyne Wildenstein
4 Leslie Ash
5 Britney Spears
6 Victoria Beckham
7 Anne Robinson
8. Vanessa Feltz
9. Melanie Griffith
10. LaToya Jackson

Now, delighted thought we are to see Michael both top and tail the list, again we doubt that LaToya would have appeared unprompted. Number three is apparently some dumb rich woman who's known solely for reconstructing her face - try dropping her name in your office today and see if anyone's heard of her. We suspect not.

music cosmetic surgery plastic surgery sharon osbourne Jocelyne Wildenstein kirstie alley