Tuesday, August 29, 2006

JESSICA SIMPSON CROAKS

What a loss to the world of arts and entertainment and potential perfume and designer jean sales: Jessica Simpson has lost her voice. Publicist Rod Shuter broke the bad news:

"She's been ordered to rest... She can talk, she can croak out a few sentences. She sounds a little off, but, you know, she can't sing."

So far, no change from normal, then.

[Jessica has] "a strain, a bruise on her vocal cord. She's trying," he said. "Everybody is hoping and keeping their fingers crossed."

We're not quite sure what someone with a bruised vocal cord would be "trying" to do - debruise her insides? - but we wish her well. If only because a three week period of no Jessica means in about two months Ashlee will follow her into silence.


3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think Rod meant that she was trying as in trying his patience.

Anonymous said...

Well, I too wish her well. I'm just picturing a worst case scenario of failed debruising:

Week 1: On monday Ashlee shows in a concert announcing the permanent loss of her sis. The whole week is peppered with randomic appareances of Jessie, butchering sign language with hands sparkling with expensive jewelry and broad mimelike gestures, stopping here and there to wipe some wet mascara from her teary eyes, and mutely claiming that her loss had turned her into a mature woman, how she finally wants to find the true love, etc. etc.
Week 5: After a month of absence, MTV transmits the "Jessica Special Goodby Party". With her newfound Barbiedoll charms, and a "perfected" ability to sign, the "New Jessie, more mute, more cute" parades blowing mute kisses, signing "I love You All", signing autographs, and, again under the limelights, signs, captioned, how now that she can sing no more, she could turn fully to her "artistic" career as an actress and a designer.
Month 5: "Jessie the Little Mermaid", the romantic story of a mute, ditzy blonde silently trying to win her prince heart, so able to live forevermore "rich and mute as ever" is a flop. Jessie blames racism against her disability, and announces her new reality show.
Month 5 and 1/2: "Silent Life", the book and the reality, are now in shelves and airing. People feels ashamed in the third episode, when a mute Jessica discovers that not all people can understand her particular signing, so she couldn't tell the shop girl what parfume she exactly wanted to buy, and she keeps being unable to answer at the simple question "Cash or card?"
One year later: "The swan Blonde Princess" on cinemas, scores better than the first film. More are expected later. Jessie's broke up with her bethrothed, marries her sign language interpreter for interviews
One year and a month later: She's dumped. From now she'll resort to caption, sign and mimes. Nevertheless, her new clothes line is a success, along with the T-Shirt "Dumb dumb Inside". Ashlee too lost her voice in a mysterious accident. No one notices.
Ten Years Later: Sign Language is deemed fashionable for rich girl grew idolizing Jessie. Laringectomy surpass brest implants as a maturity gift.

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