MARIE: IT WAS ALL A MEDICAL MIX-UP

Marie Osmond hasn't attempted suicide at all, it turns out, and her current spell in hospital is nothing more than a blackout caused by an adverse reaction to some medication she was taking.

That's what her management would have you believe, anyway:

Marie Osmond's manager Karl Engemann said: "We deal with those tabloids all the time. You get tired of responding. It's like punching Jell-O."

To be fair to the tabloids, it's not like they're reporting a mysterious adverse reaction to medication every week. Nevertheless, we enjoy the discovery that there's something more masculine than wrestling in jelly: boxing with jell-o.

It doesn't work as a metaphor, does it? We're pretty certain if you punch jelly it stays punched, and so it's not the neverending task that Engemann is alluding to. Now, filling your knickers with custard - that's a job that could be without an end. Calming down a nest of bees, maybe. But punching jell-o? Clearly a man who's never tried really punching jello.

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