They're the glittering alternative to the Brits

So closed has the distance between the Brits and the NME become that last year's NME presenter, Russell Brand, is lined up to present the Brits this year. Many of the nominations, however, don't even have a twelve month period before leaping from the "alternative" to the mainstream. Indeed, because the Brits get their shortlist out first, The Kooks were lauded as best newcomers by the dickie-bow and suit brigade before the tshirt and jeans brigade even started voting.

The NME nominations have now appeared, and even Victoria Newton would be familiar with almost everyone on the lists.

Best British Band
Arctic Monkeys
Babyshambles
Kasabian
Muse
Oasis

And - with the possible exception of Kasabian and Muse switching - that's probably the order they'll finish up in. We've said before that we do like Muse, but their constant appearance on best of lists is a puzzle for us - there are so many other bands which turn out unsurprising but decent stuff, why don't they get a nod from time to time?

And Oasis? Oasis?

Best International Band
CSS
The Killers
My Chemical Romance
The Strokes
We Are Scientists

This is quite a mixed bag - nice to see CSS and We Are Scientists are in there; the appearance of The Strokes makes us wonder if their nomination is down to them re-using forms from a couple of years ago that hadn't been properly wiped clean. We're assuming the continued kindness to the Killers is on the basis that if, as they clearly want to, they do turn into U2, a long record of being nice to the band won't hurt when it comes to circulation-boosting interviews. And My Chemical Romance, of course, are there because the paper made the mistake of pretending to be interested in Emo and are too afraid to drop the pretence entirely.

The Killers will probably win here, unless NME really wants to upset Kerrang.

Best solo artist
Lily Allen
Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly
Jarvis Cocker
Jamie T
Thom Yorke

Thom Yorke's album was a bit, well, unawardworthy, wasn't it? Although obviously not as unawardworthy as Jamie T - as the album and his Gideon Coe session shows, there's something there, but it's so far from being fully-formed this sort of nomination is a little premature. Get Cape and so on is probably a little rarified in the sort of awards show where Oasis make the shortlist, so it'll be down to Jarvis versus Allen. Online voting and the famous Allen fanbase should mean it won't go to its rightful winner.

Best new band
The Fratellis
The Horrors
Klaxons
The Kooks
The View

Be honest, though... if none of these bands existed, would you bother waiting for someone to invent them? Probably a good chance the Kooks' stage school lessons on 'delivering a gracious acceptance speech' will pay off.

Best live act
Arctic Monkeys
Babyshambles
Kasabian
Muse
My Chemical Romance

The most interesting thing we can discern from this is that, since 4/5 of the acts are from the Best British Band category, even the NME admits that Oasis live are just plodding through the motions. But doesn't that infer that the paper is endorsing the version of Oasis we get on records these days? Surely not?

Best album
Arctic Monkeys - 'Whatever You Say I Am, That's What I'm Not'
Kasabian - 'Empire'
The Killers - 'Sam's Town'
Muse - 'Black Holes And Revelations'
My Chemical Romance - 'The Black Parade'

But then, that can't be the case, can it, as Oasis on record last year were just a best of - so if they're not making new records, and they're not that good live, what is it that Oasis have done to qualify for their position on the best album shortlist?

The Monkeys should probably pick up the best album prize here fairly comfortably. Did anyone actually listen to Sam's Town before they nominated it? Not at a dinner party, we mean.

Best Track
Dirty Pretty Things - 'Bang Bang You're Dead'
The Killers - 'When You Were Young'
Klaxons - 'Atlantis To Interzone'
Muse - 'Supermassive Black Hole'
The View - 'Wasted Little DJs'

Once one of the highpoints of any awards ceremony, best single is now best track and sits in the Napoleon Suite with other non-categories like best DVD. Let's hope Carl gets this one.

Best Video
The Horrors - 'Sheena Is A Parasite'
Kasabian - 'Empire'
The Killers - 'Bones'
OK Go - 'Here It Goes Again'
Panic! At The Disco - 'I Write Sins Not Tragedies'

Hopefully, the viewers of MTV2 will take care of this one. Ok Go will probably win because they were on the YouTubes.

Best Music DVD
Arctic Monkeys - 'Scummy Man'
Dirty Pretty Things - 'Puffing On A Coffin Nail'
Foo Fighters - 'Skin And Bones'
Maximo Park - 'Found On Film'
My Chemical Romance - 'Life On The Murder Scene'

Maximo Park... bloody hell, fancy meeting you here. I'm sorry, but I can't bring myself to care about this award. It sounds like the sort of thing they should be presenting at a Woolworths sales force conference rather than the NME awards.

Best Live Event
Carling Weekend: Reading And Leeds Festivals
Download 2006
Oxegen
T In The Park
V2006

The "prize for not being Glastonbury", then.

Best Film
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
Casino Royale
The Departed
Little Miss Sunshine
Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

Borat? Presumably they're waiting for Dirty Sanchez II to come to DVD?

Best TV Show
Extras
Gonzo
Lost
The Mighty Boosh
Never Mind The Buzzcocks

Gonzo's repeated appearance is heartwarming, the moreso as it probably has about six viewers. Mind you, the same could be said of Lost since it disappeared off into Sky One. Extras has got that Steven Merchant out of Six Music in it, you know, so at least it's vaguely musical.

Best Radio Show
Lauren Laverne (Xfm)
Zane Lowe (Radio 1)
Chris Moyles (Radio 1)
Colin Murray (Radio 1)
Jo Whiley(Radio 1)

Seeing Chris Moyles on the shortlist is like discovering that bloke you fancy reads The Sun, isn't it? It'd be lovely to think Lauren could win this, but it'll probably go to one of the national names.

Hero Of The Year
Carl Barat
Pete Doherty
Faris Rotter
Alex Turner
Gerard Way

Villain Of The Year
Tony Blair
Johnny Borrell
George Bush
Pete Doherty
Gerard Way

Gerard Way is such a wonderful name, for all the wrong reasons - it sounds like the postal address for council offices in somewhere like Southampton, doesn't it? If you cancel out people appear on both lists, the hero has to be either Carl or Faris Rotter - so, that's Carl then - and the villain is either Tony or George. Just when they thought they'd never have to face a public vote again.

Sexiest Man
Carl Barat
Matt Bellamy
Pete Doherty
Brandon Flowers
Gerard Way

Sexiest Woman
Lily Allen
Beth Ditto
Kate Jackson
Kate Moss
Karen O

Next year, we could have a "sexiest kate" category all of its own. We reckon the blokes list contains a perfect ten, if you add them all together - although, to be fair, the minuses next to Flowers and Doherty do hobble them somewhat. And, seriously, NME: Kate Jackson would eat you for breakfast. Actually, you probably wouldn't make it as far as the kebab stand on the way home.

Best Dressed
Carl Barat
Russell Brand
Pete Doherty
Brandon Flowers
Faris Rotter

Worst Dressed
Lily Allen
Johnny Borrell
Russell Brand
Pete Doherty
Faris Rotter

Johnny Borrell will be trying to put a brave face on the poor showing of Razorlight tonight - worst dressed and villain, and both for him personally. Is there nothing he can berate his hapless band-mate-pigeons for?

Worst Album
Lily Allen - 'Alright, Still'
The Feeling - 'Twelve Stops And Home'
My Chemical Romance - 'The Black Parade'
Razorlight - 'Razorlight'
Robbie Williams - 'Rudebox'

Aha! That's it. Break out the straps of chastisement, Johnny. People would have bloody loved that album if it wasn't for the instrumentalisationalism being so lame. Bad, bad Razorlight.

Mind you, Rudebox was miles worse. Even Newton found it hard to pretend it was any good.

Worst Band
The Feeling
The Horrors
The Kooks
Panic! At The Disco
Razorlight

Johnny, you're clearly going to have to offload those chumps. See how they drag you down?

We're bemused as to why The Feeling are getting such a kicking, though. Yes, they probably deserve it, but... in a world with Larrakin Love, aren't our pointy-toed boots aiming in the wrong direction?

Best Venue
Brixton Academy
Glasgow Barrowlands
London KOKO
London Astoria
Manchester Apollo

What criteria should be applied here? Quality of toilets? Niceness of doorstaff?

Best Website
DrownedinSound
Last.FM
MySpace
Pitchfork
YouTube
Not including NME.COM

Why not including NME.com? Either throw your hat in, or don't. Actually... wouldn't a best music magazine category be rather fun, come to that?