Gordon in the morning: Again with the Coles?

The continuing tale-a-day of the unhappy Coles dominates Gordon Smart's column this morning, with Gordon himself dredging up a new angle: a claim that Cheryl isn't eating:

HEARTBROKEN CHERYL COLE has not eaten for a WEEK since The Sun revealed her husband ASHLEY cheated on her.

Having set up his own story, Gordon then, erm, reveals that it's not quite true:

A source close to the Geordie singer said last night: “Everyone is really worried about Cheryl.

“She didn’t eat for a couple of days and everyone close to her understood because she was so upset.

“But time has dragged on and she has now gone the best part of a week without a proper meal. "

So, even Gordon's own "source" doesn't say she's not eaten for a week; just that she's not had a "proper meal" for "the best part of a week".

So Gordon's story is actually: upset woman doesn't have hearty appetite.

Smart tries to work it up into a pending medical emergency:

“She can’t force food down because she is still in shock. She’s been having dizzy spells and is close to collapse. It’s really worrying.”

She can't force food down because she's in shock?

Elsewhere, the team who are covering Britney Spears' mental health crisis come up with the perfect Gordon Smart Bizarre introduction:

BRITNEY SPEARS is addicted to crystal meth, it was claimed yesterday - as the singer nipped out in a revealing top.

Gordon also gets excited by Maggie Gyllenhaal's movie supporting the striking writers. Gordon, bravely adopting the role of Industrial Correspondent, gets excited:

Gyllenhaal in 'lesbian orgy'

Well... Gyllenhaal in film, actually. But poor Gordon gets all heated up only to be left with his sports sock on and nowhere to go:

The other ladies join her on the bed, but, as things start to get interesting, the lights fade and the film ends with a sexy pizza delivery girl entering the bedroom.

So, erm, no 'lesbian orgy', then.

David Walliams' admission that his cameo in Virgin Territory isn't very good excites Smart, as it allows him to look at some breasts:

Actually, that’s what the redeeming features are, - knockers - and they belong to model KATE GROOMBRIDGE.

I’ve seen some stills from the film and she kindly displays her perfectly-formed breasts, while a couple of naughty naked nuns share a saucy bath with Christensen.

Good to see the Star Wars hero keeping the lightsabre well oiled (and I thought I had the best job in showbiz).

How long will you keep that job if you think that Darth Vader is the hero of Star Wars?