Gordon in the morning: I pity the fool who washes sheets at four in the morning

Gordon's been off the to the premiere of The A-Team, meeting the cast in London. He describes this as a "childhood dream come true". Despite, erm, these being totally different actors. Did Smart really spend his childhood going "cor, I hope one day these parts are all recast and I can get to meet people who spend an entire movie unsure if they're meant to be creating their own version of the characters or merely fumbling a catchphrase-strewn impersonation"?

Luckily, there is one constant from TV to multiplex:

IF you had told me in 1986 I'd get the chance to sit in the A-Team van, I'd have wet my Mr T bed sheets.

Wow. You must have been a nightmare, come birthdays and Christmas, if you literally pissed yourself when you were excited.

Still, it's charming to see someone so excited about sitting in a van.

How come the 'new' team have the same van, though? They've been rewritten as Iraq vets rather than Vietnam vets - saving the need for tiresome period details by fixing them firmly in the now. So how come they're using a van that's the best part of thirty years old?

While Gordon is off creating worries about tomorrow's laundry, it's left to Carl Stroud to handle the big exclusive. Which is that Derek Hough - who seems to have been downgraded from boyfriend to "pal" - is going to help look after his, erm, "pal" Cheryl Tweedy. Oh... hang about a minute:

DANCER DEREK HOUGH is moving in with pal CHERYL COLE as she recovers from a bout of malaria.

Cheryl Cole? Hadn't The Sun been calling Cheryl Tweedy since the start of divorce proceedings? I suspect the story behind the downgrading of Hough and the reversion to the married name is more interesting than anything Gordon's team has published about Cheryl in months.

Gordon in the morning: Dry

The green room at Take That dates is going to be quite sober. Actually sober, as Gordon explains:

GARY BARLOW and the lads have agreed to ban booze backstage when they hit the road next year.

Enforced close-quartering with Robbie Williams and not even a Pernod and Orange to help you through? There's only one possible response to that:

GARY Barlow is planning to hike to the North Pole to raise cash for charity.

Yes, I think I probably would, too.

In other news, Gordon happily details the increased security Cheryl Tweedy is buying in, apparently unaware it's people trying to grab photos for people like him that are many of the people she's trying to make herself secure against.

Gordon in the morning: Special Brew

The front of Bizarre trumpets a surprising tie-up:

Lady Char Char: GaGa's monster deal with Twinings tea

Can this be? Has GaGa taken the slightly tiresome teapot motif and flogged off branding rights?

Not really, it turns out:

LADY GAGA is at the centre of a bidding war - to save tea from hot water.

With sales of the traditional form of the drink falling, oddball GaGa - who famously loves a cuppa - has firms fighting to sign her as a brand ambassador.

Ah. So this hasn't actually happened.

In the past few weeks GaGa's management have received offers from all the major tea brands. But at the moment it's old English firm Twinings who seem most determined to sign her.

The company, which dates back 300 years, has made GaGa a multi-million-pound offer to be the face of their specialist teas.

In other words: Twinings have made up a story that they're going to give GaGa a big deal, and got it reported by someone who looks a bit like a journalist. You couldn't buy coverage like that.

Well, you could buy it, but why bother when you can merely pretend you're going to buy it, and The Sun will run stories just as if you had?

In other news, Cheryl Tweedy is bored and 'can't wait' to get back to work. Or at least to being on the X Factor. For this news, we must thank Simon Cowell, who really is just worried about Cheryl, and not merely using someone's serious illness as a way of promoting his television programme.

Gordon in the morning: Is this about the football?

Apparently confusing the showbusiness remit with being the sports pages, Gordon Smart gives acres of space over to footballers this morning.

Still, he must have something really important to share with us if he's taken that move, right?

TANNED COLEEN ROONEY soaks up the sun in Las Vegas - next to pale footie hubby WAYNE.

England ace Roo, 24, hasn't turned brown in the sun - TWO WEEKS into the holiday.

Wayne Rooney is a bit pale and has avoided getting a tan? Why, yes, I can see how that would require clearing a page for in the paper.

There's also something incredibly dull about Lionel Messi doing a fashion range which reads like the sort of thing you'd find wrapped round a freesheet with a little box saying 'advertising feature - your usual paper is inside' slapped on the top.

Naturally, there's another non-story about Cheryl Tweedy - she's ill, did you know? - as Lucy Connolly files a piece about how her management don't want her getting ill again:

A source said: "It's important now she's out of hospital her condition doesn't get worse again."

Whoever would have thought? It's easy to mock the vacuous coverage of Tweedy's illness, but without it, we'd never have had that sort of medical insight into her condition.

Last week, by the way, Gordon's empire might have shrunk slightly - the Sun's decision to axe it's "internet radio" station SunTalk looks like it will have brought down Gordon's programme alongside Jon Gaunt's.

Gordon in the morning: Finally, Cheryl is well enough to have sex (stories written about her)

On a day when you'd have thought the return of the worst bit of Take That to the band (more on which in a moment) would have been the showbiz headline, Gordon instead leads off with some rubbish about Cheryl Tweedy's sex life:

CHERYL TWEEDY has managed her first laugh since she was struck down with malaria - when doctors banned her from having sex.

A bit of Will.i is quite low on her list of priorities at the moment - with staying alive at the top.

But her boyfriend's Derek, isn't it? Why mention... hang about, you're not just making a laboured pun based on "will.i" sounding a little bit like "willy", are you? Surely not?

So on a day when there is actually big news, you've chosen to ignore that and just make a willy joke your lead. I see.

Gordon in the morning: The ill and the old

Shane out of Westlife is investing wisely the money he's made inexplicably:

The WESTLIFE singer is behind the building of a £5million nursing home in his native Sligo, Ireland, hoping it will be the first of many.

Shane and brother Finbarr run the sadly titled company Shafin (get it?) Developments together.

Yes, Gordon, we "get" the not-exactly-difficult company name.

It's interesting the report focuses on the old people's homes rather than the "luxury flats and shopping centres" he's also going to build. I wonder why.

Oh... it's so that Gordon can do some shtick:

Westlife had a hit with Home in 2007 - now maybe all Shane's showbiz mates will be looking forward to their twilight years in one of his properties as he expands his empire?

I can imagine LOUIS WALSH Zimmer-framing around as SIMON COWELL whizzes by on his luxury mobility scooter.

Yes. Yes, you keep imagining that.

Naturally, there's a Cheryl Cole story from her bedside with nothing much in it. Supposedly, she's refusing the private hospital food in favour of stuff her Mum's bringing in:

A source close to the GIRLS ALOUD singer said: "It's definitely helping to cheer her up.

"There were things like quails eggs on the menu. But fancy foods aren't Cheryl's way."

The made-up story then goes on to stress how working class Cheryl is, while explaining how she's not eating from the menu in the luxury, private hospital in the centre of London where she's receiving the best treatment money can buy is. It's effectively like being treated down a mine, I guess.

Gordon in the morning: Band fracture at the bedside

Gordon hasn't enjoyed himself with a terrible episode in Cheryl Tweedy's life since he kept banging away at her marriage for days on end last year. You know, the thing that caused all that stress that somehow contributed to her illness?

Thank god that nobody is causing Tweedy stress and anxiety while she's got malaria, eh, Sean Hamilton?

MALARIA victim CHERYL TWEEDY has banned her Girls Aloud best friends KIMBERLEY WALSH and NICOLA ROBERTS from seeing her.

There's an attempt to paint this as some sort of band-strife thing, rather than just Cheryl only taking visits from her mum and current boyfriend. Still, I'm sure painting 'I don't want to see anyone' as 'Cheryl bans bandmates' won't make her any more stressed, eh?

A source said: "Cheryl doesn't want people to see her as she is."

Don't worry, A source: hardly anyone even mentions that time she beat the crap out of the woman in the toilets.

Oh. You mean "see her being ill."

Hamilton reveals that not only has it put the kibosh on X Factor judging and the new album, but Tweedy's illness has also disrupted the timetable on another popular public entertainment:

The 27-year-old has even put her divorce from love-rat footballer ASHLEY COLE on ice as she is too frail to meet lawyers or read documents.

But Sean, that can't be the case, can it? I can definitely remember Gordon Smart announcing that Cheryl was going to ensure the divorce was "done and dusted" before the World Cup.

Elsewhere, Gordon runs photos from Kylie's shoot for Out, which gives him the opportunity to indulge in a spot of distancing himself from the idea of being gay:

It was pointed out to me by a good-with-colours friend, obviously.

But the pics are a pleasant treat for her lady-liking fans too.

Good with colours friend? That's lame in both directions.

Gordon in the morning: Mel B's fists of fury

Poor Amado Aguirre. He's an estate agent and was - he claims - invited to go and value Mel B's house; while he was prepping by taking photos of the properties, deciding what bits he'd talk up and what bits he'd try to avoid purchasers looking at, when Mel B and her husband, Mel B's husband mistook him for a paparazzo and - again, he says - beat him up.

You'd have to be impressed if this story is true - so many celebrities would send their hired goons to beat up strangers rather than rolling up their sleeves and doing it themselves. Although perhaps Mel B can't afford to hire goons any more, and that might be why she's flogging off the house.

She might find it even harder to afford hirings if Aguirre has his way - being an estate agent, he's sized up his injuries, considered their location and put a value of a million pounds on them. Hence the size of his launched lawsuit.

Stuart Pink has handled this story, leaving Gordon to try and squeeze another Cheryl Cole story out of her malaria. I suppose Smart is worried if he doesn't run something, anything, every day, readers might assume she's died in the night.

[Doctors] have also suggested she takes up relaxing yoga and Pilates to reduce her stress levels.

Yes, apparently yoga cures malaria. Given that she was supposedly at death's door according to yesterday's non-story, it seems a little odd the doctors are bellowing over the sound of medical equipment that she might think about buying a yoga mat.

Yesterday, you might recall, Smart informed readers that Tweedy would be out for most of the X Factor:

MALARIA-stricken CHERYL TWEEDY will not return to X Factor until live finals in October, it was revealed last night.

That was pretty definitive, then. At least X Factor fans know where they... hang about, what's this today?

Cheryl has said she won't perform at all for the rest of the year - but she will be back as a judge on X Factor in time for boot camp.

Meanwhile, The Sun's advertisers have got a suggestion for Cheryl if she's looking for a plan B:

Gordon in the morning: Cowboy style

More non-stories from outside the hospital and far, far from Cheryl's bedside as a spokesperson issues a statement:

Last night her spokesman said: "She will not be able to take part in X Factor's boot-camp stage or perform at V."

Gordon folds this into a 'return for the live finals' which, clearly, isn't what the statement said.

In other news, Gordon's byline is slapped alongside that of Carl Stroud to predict a reunion - "for one year only" of Robbie Williams and the Bits Of Take That who people like:

ROBBIE WILLIAMS is rejoining TAKE THAT for an album and tour - and a video with GARY BARLOW based on Brokeback Mountain.
[...]
Robbie and Gary will warm up with the video likening their love-hate relationship to the tormented gay cowboys in the 2005 flick.

Apart from having two blokes in it, the Williams/That relationship is nothing like the Brokeback story, really, is it? Not in any way.

It's more like when Bet Lynch came back to Coronation Street and discovered that it wasn't the place she left and just looked odd and awkward standing at the Rovers bar.

The story is incredibly oddly written, too:

[The single Shame] is about Robbie's feelings for the boyband - famed for hits including Back For Good.

Really, Gordon and Carl? You're having to slip in a line to tell us who Take That are?

Gordon's people have mocked up how it would look if you put cowboy hats on Barlow and Williams - because that's what Brokeback Mountain effectively boils down to, men wearing cowboy hats. Sadly, nobody thought to photoshop Carl and Gordon a Brokeback-style shared byline picture.

In short, then: the last goodwill left in the Take That reunion is about to dry up.

And in the North, Gordon went to watch Kasabian playing T in The Park. Gordon had a very important job to do:

The band kept a close eye on the World Cup Final.

And it fell to me to pass them the result live on stage after Spain's last-gasp win.

Let's hope the band hadn't recorded the match to watch later, eh, Gordon? Otherwise you'd be Brian Glover to Kasabian's Bewes and Bolam.

Kasabian's reaction?

When I'd told him the score, Serge declared: "We'll play their victory party in Madrid, it's as simple as that."

Will you, Serge? You might want to wait to be asked. Simple as that.

Gordon in the morning: Still ill

Following on from the plea of one of her less successful Girls Aloud colleagues yesterday, much of the nation is indeed praying for Cheryl Cole's swift return to health, if only to spare us the daily updates and the pain of watching Gordon trying to come up with new angles, day-in, day-out.

Today, he's reduced to this:

[Tweedy's] estranged hubby ASHLEY COLE closely quizzed a TV girl about Cheryl's relationship with US dancer DEREK HOUGH.

Cheryl, 27, was rushed to hospital with a fever on Sunday after catching the potentially fatal disease on holiday in Tanzania last month with Derek, 25.

The next night, love-cheat soccer ace Ashley, 29 - on hols in Los Angeles - cornered TV assistant Marla Jackson after hearing she worked with Derek on US TV show Dancing Wth The Stars.

Oh, yes: it only takes a spot of water on your sort-of-ex-sort-of-wife's lungs, and you come crawling back.

Or is he really worried about Cheryl?

"He asked if Derek had had a lot of girlfriends, what his sense of humour's like and whether he's a big drinker."

That sounds more like someone trying to decide if he should ask for a date, doesn't it?

Elsewhere, there's a new high water mark in awkward Bizarre shots:

Aside from the hyperawkwardness of the picture - nice to see Snoop's 'are you sure this guy is important in the media?' face - is the pressing question of what in the name of old glory is Gordon wearing? Did he steal that from Little Lofty, the Fisherman's Friend trawlerman?

Gordon in the morning: The Dogg and the Peacock

For the 40th anniversary of Coronation Street, we were treated to a cameo from Noddy Holder as a van driver. A van driver who, for no discernible reason, felt the need to bellow "it's Christmas" at the good people of Weatherfield, as if he was Noddy Holder. And as if it was Christmas, which it wasn't.

If you believe Gordon Smart's colleague Stuart Pink this morning, the 50th will be marked by a cameo from Snoop Dogg.

Mr. Dogg made some throwaway remarks about popping into the programme for the birthday, which Pink seems to have accepted at face value:

"I'd love to be in it.

"My people have reached out to the producers and we are going to do it.

"They should definitely put some Snoop Dogg in there. The butcher's will be the cool spot.

"I'd have my man David Beckham in there working with me. He's my guy."

Given that ITV's current plans are to have the viaduct collapse and a tram crash into the street - a storyline they've already done once before, although it was a train rather than a tram that time - at least Dogg's come up with something more original than the production team.

Despite this clearly being something that won't ever happen, it hasn't stopped Pink trying to come up with an example script of How It Might Be. Cue some dead-weight of Betty buying meat off Snoop but - ho! ho! - he's just trying to sell her drugs.

Meanwhile, as a nation wonders if Northumberland Police will have caught Ralph Mope or whatever he's called before Cheryl Cole is fit and working again, the stepfather of the bloke who went to Tanzania with Cole has now decided to try and get some the limelight thrown by Tweedy's life-threatening illness:

CHERYL TWEEDY'S close pal DEREK HOUGH feels so guilty about her getting malaria he's given up work to look after her, it emerged last night.

His stepdad Aaron Nelson, 54, said the dancer believes it is "all his fault" that the X Factor judge has the deadly illness.

How lucky we're between lucrative series of Dancing With The Stars, eh? Otherwise some of those lucrative jobs might have been really lucrative indeed.

Nelson claims Hough feels like it's all his fault:

The stepdad added: "Derek feels it's all his fault. He organised the holiday as something wonderful. For it to end up like this is terrible. He feels dreadful."

Given that he didn't ask the travel agent to include a life-threatening disease in the package, this seems a bit thin. To a cynical eye, this might seem more like an attempt to build some profile as (the husband of the mother of) the wailing boyfriend, turning down lucrative jobs so he can be photographed going in and out of the hospital.

Meanwhile:

GIRLS ALOUD bandmate NADINE COYLE last night urged fans to pray for Cheryl.

Well, that's good news, then. We can send the doctors home if God and the prayer-efforts of Girls Aloud fans are on the case.

Gordon in the morning: Is it possible to find something worthwhile to report about Cheryl Tweedy's malaria?

Even Gordon knows mother visits hospital to see unwell daughter is a pretty lame story, which might be why he's sent one of his team to cover it.

But hang on... here comes an exciting new angle:

JLS star ORITSE WILLIAMS sent Cheryl his best wishes, saying: "I've had malaria and it's pretty bad. Get well soon, Cheryl."

I know that JLS don't exist without publicity, but trying to showboat on someone with malaria is pretty low. Let's just hope Tulisa N-Dubz isn't trying to knock together a "it's like when I had swine flu, only it wasn't, but it was sort of like it..." press release.

Gordon in the morning: Axed Factor

There could be a swirling, howling black hole at the heart of The X Factor - besides the usual ones - as Gordon reports that Cheryl Cole is going to be out of action for six months. Can we have a banner headline, please?

Exclusive: Cheryl will be too sick to do X Factor

• 6 month malaria break


• Album on ice, gig axed

That seems pretty definitive.

It suddenly sounds less definitive once Gordon's cleared his throat and got going:

SERIOUSLY ill CHERYL TWEEDY may have to pull out of X Factor this year as she battles to survive the killer disease malaria, it emerged last night.

Frail Cheryl, 27, could also be forced to scrap a gig at the V Festival. And her management are ready to put the October launch of her new album on ice.

So the headline's screeching facts turn out to just be possibilities by the time the article starts - which means it appears Gordon's "exclusive" boils down to 'if she's too ill to work, she won't be able to work.'

The "battles to survive" bit in the intro is surely a more compelling thing to splash on rather than "might not play the V Festival", but - although she is pretty ill - "battles to survive" seems to be more than a little hyperbolic in itself.

Gordon in the morning: George Micheal pops into Snappy Snaps

Back - I'm afraid - to Cheryl Cole's sick bed this morning, as Gordon reveals that when he told us yesterday she was suffering from exhaustion-oh-no-it's-gastroenteritis he actually meant to say malaria.

Which, just in case you don't know:

in extreme cases can KILL

Is that right, Sun doctor Carol Cooper?

MALARIA can kill

Blimey.

but Cheryl looks to be lucky. There are four forms of the bug, and in Tanzania, where she picked it up, the milder ones are most common.

I'm not sure I have any faith in a doctor who calls malaria "a bug".

What can you add to the story, Gordon?

Sources also revealed Cheryl - whose spokesman confirmed she has malaria - had secretly battled painful stomach cramps while filming the ITV talent show.

But I'd imagine that's normal for anyone working on the X Factor, the way miners used to have scabs down their spines.

In other news, George Michael has had another car crash. Jess Rogers has the details:

GEORGE MICHAEL has been arrested after his car crashed into a SHOP on the night of a gay festival, The Sun can reveal.

The troubled singer, 47, was held on suspicion of being unfit to drive after he lost control of his Range Rover and it smashed into a Snappy Snaps.

I'm not entirely sure why it happening on the night of Pride is in any way relevant, but Jess seems convinced it is:

The singer - who only last year ended a two-year ban for drug driving - was held at 3.35am on Sunday after London's Gay Pride parade.

It's almost as if Rogers is trying to suggest there's some causal link between celebrating homosexuality and not being able to drive a car, or perhaps just that simply being gay is liable to make you incapable of steering. I'm sure that wasn't the intention, though.

Gordon in the morning: Cheryl ColeTweedy flops

Gordon is styling his exclusive:

Shattered Cheryl collapses

- which is at least better than Collapsed Cheryl Shatters, because it's easier to scoop someone up than painstakingly reconstruct a person using a bag of bits and some strong glue.

So, she collapsed, you say, Gordon?

The pale singer, 27, fainted in a studio on Saturday.

Oh. Fainted. Perhaps she should try eating those KitKats she's so fond of advertising?

A doctor was rushed to the North London session and diagnosed severe exhaustion before ordering complete rest.

Well, you would be exhausted rushing round North London on a Saturday to go and see a woman who has had a bit of a swoon.

Oh... hang on, it's Cheryl who's exhausted? Oh.

Cole-Tweedy has now had the doctors sign her off The X Factor "until further notice".

Staff at the studio were stunned when the beauty arrived looking "washed-out" and "gaunt".

Yet she refused to postpone the session - insisting she would be fine despite a high temperature and nausea.

Hang about - high temperature and nausea? Those aren't actually symptoms of overwork, are they?

The star was diagnosed with severe exhaustion by a doctor who sped to the scene.

He ordered a complete rest from work and tests later showed she had a vicious gastroenteritis bug.

So she's got gastroenteritis? Sure, that wouldn't be helped by working too hard, but even if her job was sitting still listening to people sing, gastroenteritis would still knock you over.

So this story is 'woman gets gastric flu', not strictly the 'woman works too hard and falls over because Ashley Cole is evil' tale Gordon is trying to make it.

Not that this stops Smart lobbing one of his thinking pieces into the pot:

UNTIL today I thought Cheryl was handling her separation without breaking sweat.

She hasn't let her steely professionalism slip once since that halfwit footballer took leave of his senses and played away from home.

Thank God England are toss at football, eh, Gordon? Could you imagine if you were having to be nice to Ashley as we headed towards a World Cup final?

So: you thought it was all going so well. But this has changed your mind, has it?

But something had to give at some point, and this is the first real sign she isn't Superwoman.

Unless she is Superwoman and one of the current Sugababes line-up had smuggled Kryptonite into her L'Oreal.

If I've understood Gordon up to this point in his thoughts, he was convinced that everything was fine, but something had to give. Righto.

Gordon's aware that most of the country will be shrugging and finding it hard to be sympathetic:

For every reader grafting in a factory wondering what she's got to be exhausted over, it's a lot harder being the nation's favourite Geordie than it looks.

To be fair, if she's pulling double shifts being James Bolam as well, it's no surprise she's flagging.

X Factor is a big gig. The pressure is on all the time. Not just to be on her game with the acts, but looking perfect.

Won't someone pay somebody to do her make-up and pick her dresses out for her?

Then there's the touring and gigs. She doesn't just stand and sing.

She moves about the stage a bit - and let nobody fool you that opening and closing your mouth at the right point is simple.

There's the new album, recording sessions and promo. It doesn't leave much time for relaxation.

At this point, though, Gordon, your fictional factory worker might point out that Tweedy is incredibly rich, and if she chose to retire tomorrow, that would be fine, whereas a factory worker who feels it might all be a bit much has to carry on until death or retirement. Depending on what Osborne allows to come first.

The clock was ticking on the emotional turmoil timebomb. Now it has detonated she can deal with her demons properly.

That doesn't actually make any sense - 'my turmoil bomb has exploded in gastric flu, which means I can deal with my demons'.

I was out for dinner with Cheryl two weeks ago and she looked like she was burning the candle at both ends. Some time off will do her good.

You thought she was burning the candle at both ends, but - at the start of this thought piece - you said you thought she was coping well? Aren't those somewhat conflicting positions to hold simultaneously?

And if you thought you saw this coming... how come you kept quiet?

Gordon in the morning: Raking over the cold Coles

Gordon calls in Virginia Wheeler to help him with this morning's big story - a world exclusive, no less: Cheryl Cole is divorcing Ashley.

Yes, a world exclusive. I'll bet the New York Times and Liberation are kicking themselves they've missed out on this one.

Cheryl is portrayed throughout like someone The Sun desperately needs to keep sweet ("like some sort of saint"):

GENEROUS CHERYL COLE is not asking for one penny from cheating husband ASHLEY in the divorce action she launched yesterday.

Multi-millionaire with several lucrative jobs not needing support from other multi-millionaire, then.

But it's not just that she's not seeking money from the divorce. Oh no, Saint Cheryl is also timing the divorce so as not to ruin the World Cup:

And she has told lawyers to rush through a quickie divorce because she is determined the key England defender must go into the World Cup without being distracted by "emotional turmoil". An insider told The Sun last night:

"Cheryl made a swift decision to put England's World Cup dreams ahead of herself. The divorce should be finalised before England's first touch of the ball in South Africa on June 12."

A cynic might wonder if the timing is more about maximising the publicity impact of the divorce by timing it when it becomes a World Cup story. This is the marriage break-up equivalent of those Edam flavour crisps - there's not any real reason for them; they don't really have any connection to the World Cup; they smell a little odd and taste even ranker.

If Cole really was putting the World Cup ahead of her emotional wellbeing, wouldn't the timing of the divorce have been at a totally different time, rather than slap-bang in the days before kick-off?

The marriage always had the air of a business deal; the ending of it as The Official England Team Divorce (TM) doesn't really do anything to dispel that notion.

In other Gordon-flavoured news, the gap at the top of the Glastonbury bill is worrying him:

Zeppelin guitarist JIMMY PAGE immediately put his band in the frame to replace the Irish rockers. He said: "I refuse to rule anything out."

That's not really putting yourself in the frame, is it?

The band haven't played together since 2007; they haven't been preparing for this. Parachuting into a headline slot in a month's time sounds a bit of a stretch. And that would be if Robert Plant was interested. Which he isn't.

Mind you, things could be worst:

Eavis is also talking to CHRIS MARTIN about COLDPLAY filling U2's boots, and I reckon they will accept. They are big fans of Glasto.

Well, yes, they'd be worthy replacements, allowing most people to switch the TV off and yell "that sodbag" at exactly the point they would have done if Bono had come on.

As I revealed earlier this week, DIZZEE RASCAL, already on this year's Pyramid Stage bill, has been asked to prepare for the job too.

Really? No disrespect to Mr Rascal, but that's really like parachuting John Craven in to present Newsnight, isn't it?

Gordon in the morning: Madonna is computers

Wow. Who knew there was still mileage left in the Madonna-Mrs Madonna divorce?

Actually, there isn't, but Gordon's team are going to have a go.

Guy calls Madonna 'IT'

IT? He thinks she's information technology? Can this be right, Sara Nathan?

It turns out she means It. Not IT:

A source revealed: “Guy will say, ‘Oh, It’s in a bad mood today’

Would rather than will, don't you mean? After all, there's not much reason why Ritchies should be reporting on the twinges of Madonna's moods at the moment, is there?
Could this story be as whiskery as... well, this mock-up which we're told is meant to represent either Madonna as Cousin It, or Cousin It as Madonna.

“Even towards the end of their marriage, he would call her It. He told people, ‘We can’t make It angry’.

"Even" toward the end? Like when they were splitting up? Is it surprising that his contempt for his wife should grow rather than decline as the marriage failed?

“There is absolutely no love lost between them.”

That's quite a scoop. If I didn't know better, I'd think Sara's kind of hinting around that the pair might be heading for the divorce court.

Gordon, meanwhile, is cleaning up at the NME awards:

Now I hear bandmate SARAH HARDING has also found herself in hot bog water.

She was at the NME Awards’ aftershow bash when staff trying to close the club found her in the toilets.

Apparently Sarah didn't want to go and started to complain when helped towards the exit.

Gordon is quick to spot the parallel:

WHAT is it with members of GIRLS ALOUD and toilet attendants?

CHERYL COLE ran into trouble in 2003 when she was accused of assaulting a loo supervisor in a club.

The odd thing, though, is the appearance of the word "accused" there - does Gordon not know that she was actually convicted of assault occasioning actual bodily harm? With the judge telling her that "this was an unpleasant piece of drunken violence... you showed no remorse whatsoever"? Or does Gordon recall that, but is afraid to remind people of what happened now that Cole is being lined up as some sort of new Kylie?

Fair enough, there's no need for Cole's conviction to be dredged up all the time, but if you are going to write a story that relies on her punching a poorly-paid toilet attendant, should you really soften the facts to make it sound as if it was an accusation rather than a verdict in a jury trial?

Gordon in the morning: Babies and blubbing

There's no third part of the Newton-Beckham tete-a-tete this morning, allowing Gordon to reclaim his kingdom and dispel any sense - any sense whatsoever - that his role is to roll over whenever the old inhabitant of the Bizarre pages feels like cluttering up the space with a fab chat with her fab showbiz pals, regardless of any quality to the resulting piece.

So this morning Gordon is keen to prove that he's the alpha male, and how better than a big splash claiming that Jamie Hince is going to father a child with Kate Moss as a way of reuniting with her? Quite a scoop - and one in the eye for the idiot on Monday who was reporting that their split was final. Who was that idiot again? Gordon something, wasn't it?

Gordon also reminds us of one of his other great moments - the weeks and weeks he spent trying to force a divorce onto Ashley and Cheryl Cole, running a big chunk where Cheryl talks about why she gave Ashley another chance. If you think it's odd that Cheryl gave such an open interview to a man who made her pain public and then kept it there, there is an explanation: Gordon's copied the whole thing out of OK! magazine.

Gordon in the morning: A sordid four-page fantasy

Regular readers of Gordon Smart's column will be familiar with Blake Fielder-Civil's plans to dump Amy Winehouse and run off with a "mystery blonde" who may or may not have turned out to be a brunette. So, they'll be slightly confused today to discover that, erm, actually, he's planning to dump Amy and run off with a different mystery blonde - or, in the words of Richard White, "Showbiz reporter":

AMY WINEHOUSE’s rat husband BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL is plotting drug-fuelled sex romps with a woman jailbird he has never even met.

Fielder-Civil has supposedly been sending sexy letters to Melissa Goldstone which have, somehow, got into the paper this morning:

In a note the 24-year-old received last month, he detailed a four-page fantasy so graphic most of it cannot be printed in a family newspaper.

Yes, you don't want to open a newspaper to read a journalist writing about a woman's tits only to be confronted with someone getting all sexual, do you? Presumably to save himself from feeling sexy-sexy-wrong, White concentrates on spelling and grammar:

The error-strewn message continued: “I squeeze your throat whilst your s****** me and I ask you if your a dirty b***h.” He then described a deeply disturbing sex fantasy before signing off: “At most we’ve got to wait ten weeks for the best snog of our lives!! Miss you Lissy, love and rockets, your Blakey x x x.”

We're at a lost how the paper can happily chat away about Blake throttling the woman during sex and then suddenly decide that the rest of the letter is too disturbing to share - perhaps he's going to ask her to beat him with a Daily Mirror.

Blake, it turns out, really isn't very bright:

Another time he wrote: “I’ve told Amy about you and read a bit of one of your letters. It turns her on and she wants to meet ya. I think she might write to you cuz she asked for your address."

Yes. Yes, we imagine she probably has.

Meanwhile, Pete Samson is reporting that Amy has stormed out of her clinic - the one the Sunday People was insisting that she wasn't going to leave until Blake was out:

A pal said: “We feared a taste of the outside would remind her what she’s missing and it would be hard to get her back into life at the clinic. That’s exactly what’s happened.”

Ah, yes, that slippery slope: a day out is the gateway drug to living outside.

Samson is alarmed. Or, rather, is having Winehouse's friends being alarmed on his behalf:

Friends now fear she may return to drugs

May? May? Come on, Samson, we can work up more alarm than that, can't we?

— if she hasn’t already.

Elsewhere on Gordon's Gordonless pages, yet-another-Cole-Tweedy story churns out, notable only for the byline:

By SUN REPORTER

Nobody even wants to put their name to the guff anymore, then.

ASHLEY COLE surprised his stunning wife CHERYL on her birthday by turning up unannounced to the X Factor auditions in Manchester.

And you can see why. The point of the story seems to be more about quashing a different story:

And the couple, who looked over the moon to have their marriage back on track, scotched yesterday’s reports that Cheryl had not been at his brother’s wedding over the weekend.

'Yesterday's reports' having appeared in the now-removed Gordon Smart's Bizarre page, but still on Google News, just:

Ashley is the sole Cole
The Sun, UK - Jun 29, 2008
By JOHN TROUP LOVE rat ASHLEY COLE turned up to his brother’s wedding alone – sparking fresh speculation over his marriage to CHERYL. ...

Interesting that The Sun was so ashamed of its error that it removed the page entirely rather than, say, merely correcting it.

Gordon in the morning: Pete in the morning

Amy Winehouse's gentle decline continues, and it falls to Gordon's number two, Pete Samson, to take care of the story. Which he does well, almsot enjoying the chance to knock down Gordon's story yesterday which diagnosed her with TB:

STRICKEN AMY WINEHOUSE has been in quarantine as docs try to contain her chest infection — but her tuberculosis tests came back clear yesterday.

Pete quotes a source that suggests Amy is still "hoping" to play Glastonbury and the Mandela gig. That's what a ninety year-old needs: someone coughing blood all over him.

Gordon has also passed over responsibility for the latest dispatch from the Cole-Tweedy marriage to a pair of writers:

From RICHARD WHITE
in Marbella, Spain
and COLIN ROBERTSON

The pair of them put their heads together and came up with some terrible, terrible puns:

Cheryl's own Cole

- which is supposed to be reference to "pals" who think she's made a mistake getting back with Ashley, but would probably only work as a pun on "own goal" if they included a word like "score" - otherwise, it just seems that the paper is accepting that Ashley is all Cheryl's.

There's worse, though:

Ash she gone mad? ... Cheryl with cheat hubby

"Ash" isn't even a pun - it's anagram, if anything.