Gordon in the morning: Not in my rebranded name

In a bid to try and distance himself from his own company, Rupert Murdoch is to change the name of News International to News UK.

It's a fresh start. Making it clear that whatever you think about the company that was prepared to hack into a dead child's phone in the search of a story, it's a totally different place. Gone is the callous behemoth who would try and exploit a child's tragedy for a few extra sales.

It's a new dawn. It's a new day.

So, News UK, what have you got for us to illustrate how your company is a different place?

Paris Jackson was ‘sent suicidal by strict gran’
Cousin Tanay reveals her rows with her Jehovah's Witness grandmother Katherine

By PETE SAMSON, US Editor
and JAMES DESBOROUGH

Never mind, Rupert. Perhaps leave it a week and see if News Europe works.

Gordon in the morning: The ghost of a chance

To be fair, Gordon's not connected with the front page of the Sun today; it's down to Pete Samson, currently US editor of the - shall we call it - publication?.

You've probably already seen this, as the world has been convulsing with laughter at the final demise of the Sun as a newspaper since the first edition came out:

Yes, that's right. The Sun's big front page splash comes from a ghost.

And not just a ghost, but a ghost addressing a court via the medium of a former partner of Lionel Ritchie:

MICHAEL Jackson’s death has been declared an accident — by his own GHOST, a court heard.
Jacko, 50, was said to have told Lionel Richie’s ex Brenda that he inadvertently killed himself.

Being even-handed, the ghost of Larry Lamb has been in contact with us (via someone who once had their breasts brushed by Mark Morrison) to point out that it's not as if Pete Samson is claiming that he's had an interview with the moonwalking spectre, and in effect this is simply court reporting.

It's probable that the idea was to have a bit of a guffaw at the very idea that the CEO of AEG, Randy Philips, would trot this guff out under oath:

AEG Live CEO Randy Phillips stunned the wrongful death trial by claiming Jacko had insisted from beyond the grave that his death was an accident — and cleared Dr Murray.

He told jurors at Los Angeles County Superior Court: “Brenda called me to tell me that she was in communications with Michael, either through a medium or directly.

“She said Michael told her it wasn’t Dr Murray’s fault — that he had accidentally killed himself.”

Many in the court burst into laughter, but judge Yvette Palazuelos let the testimony STAND.

It's not clear why this testimony would have stood - it's not even second hand. And it comes from a ghost.

Unfortunately for Samson, his piece has been overpromoted to the front page and presented in such a way that makes it look like the paper believes Jackson's ghost is sending messages from beyond the grave.

And given the low-attention culture which The Sun has done a good part to foster, most people will go away with that impression, too.

Gordon in the morning: Zach off

Pete Samson files from America, with news of a surprising intervention in UK politics:

HOLLYWOOD funnyman Zach Galifianakis has launched a campaign from the US: “Make Boris Johnson Prime Minister.”

Obviously, there's little surprise in Murodch hacks doing their master's bidding by running a story that bolsters his beloved pet toff and adds a bit of showbiz glitz to the anointed one. But Galifianakis actively running a campaign to pull off the difficult trick of getting a safe Tory MP to resign their seat, Boris into parliament, and replacing David Cameron? He must be deeply convinced in the Boris agenda to sign up to that - how much time has he spent studying British politics?

The actor was wowed by the Mayor of London after watching him on David Letterman’s late-night chat show before the Olympics.

That seems a fairly slight base upon which to start a campaign. You... you are sure he's running a campaign, aren't you, Pete?

[F]or the Hangover star there is one bright light shining in the dark world of politics – and that’s Boris and his dazzling blond barnet.

Zach said it would be “amazing” if Boris was made PM. He told The Sun: “He would change the face of what a national leader could be. He’s charming, very funny – and has that weird hair.”

So the "campaign" consists of muttering something about how funny it would be if we landed ourselves with a Prime Minister with unruly hair.

You wouldn't be slightly overselling the story, there, Pete, would you?

Gordon in the morning: Who saw this coming?

Pete Samson is, as we know, the grandly titled "US editor" of The Sun, although it's not entirely clear what that means. Especially since his contribution this morning is to report on death threats being made against One Direction.

That's the One Direction who had the name first, not the One Direction who Simon Cowell gifted a stolen name to. Just to make that clear.

Yes, the Cowell variant's fanbase have decided to "help" the delicate legal process involved in deciding who owns a trademark:

The US band’s frontman Sean O’Leary said the worst had been aimed at his dad Dan, who manages them.

Sean, 18, said: “There has been so much hate mail, like people threatening to cut our b***s off.

“The one that stands out for me is a girl saying she wanted to kill my father.”

Surely if cut the bollocks off the American band, it'd be even harder to tell the difference between them and the British version?

Gordon in the morning: Next door to Uri Gellar Doesn't Call Anymore House

Katie Holmes, according to Gordon, is a little bit broody:

ACTRESS KATIE HOLMES wants to star in a box-office smash before having another kid, she has reportedly told pals.

Or possibly not broody. Katie Holmes telling Tom Cruise "yes, we can have another baby, but I just want to have another multi-million dollar opening weekend first" is a bit like me saying that I'm not going to consider buying new curtains until, well, I've had a multi-million dollar opening weekend.

Elsewhere, Pete Samson's byline appears on the 'exclusive' on photos from what I see we're now supposed to be calling "Michael Jackson's death mansion".

You'd have thought when the realtor was showing him round, that might have set a few alarm bells ringing:
- Uh... this name plaque on the front door?
- Yes, Mr. Jackson?
- It says Michael Jackson Death Mansion
- It is a charming name, isn't it?

It's not entirely clear how this exclusive is different from the News Of The World world exclusive on Sunday. Oddly, the NOTW still hasn't run its photo online. It does seem to realise it no longer has any physical copy sales to protect, as it's removed the "buy the paper to see the picture" line at the bottom of the piece.

Gordon in the morning: Half-senseless and beaten

Pete Samson - now, of course, The Sun's US editor - does some serious investigation into Michael Jackson's upbringing by, erm, watching Larry King Live:

Joe Jackson, 79, said of the allegations by his late son: "Never." In his first TV interview since Jacko's death he insisted: "I have no reason.

"That's my son. I loved him and I still love him."

He went on: "A lot of people in America spank their kids, you know? They say they don't, they're lying. Michael was never beaten by me. I've never beaten at all."

Samson appears to take all this at face value, despite - for example - Tito's recent claims that Michael would use his superpower dancing skills to avoid the blows. And Jackson pere's odd assertion that you should never believe someone who says they don't spank their children, shortly before asserting that he never spanks his children.

Where do people get the idea that Joe Jackson hit Michael in the first place? Perhaps, erm, when Joe Jackson told Louis Theroux this, six years ago:

Joe Jackson is seen saying in a show to be seen on Sunday: "I whipped him with a switch and a belt. I never beat him. You beat someone with a stick.

You see? It's not beating if you don't use a stick.

The one-time Jackson 5 manager also denied planning to put Jacko's kids on tour as the Jackson 3.

He told interviewer Larry King: "Not true. That's a bunch of jive."

Presumably when he tries to shove the poor sods onto stage, he'll call them The New Jackson Three or something in order to create his own loophole.

Elsewhere, Gordon Smart has grabbed Noel Gallagher to find out what Noel thought of Ronaldo rating them more highly than The Beatles:

Mr Big told me: "There's only one Ronaldo! I always knew deep down inside him somewhere there was impeccable musical taste.

"I'll be taking up his offer of tickets for the Madrid versus Barcelona game. I'm not sure whether even he could afford us for a gig though!"

Yes, for some reason Gordon has started calling Noel Gallagher Mr Big - which was the name Carrie in Sex And The City called her lover, if memory serves.

Still, Noel's witty riposte to Gordon is fascinating... like... meeting of minds... photoshop gurus...

Gordon in the morning: National pride

The BPI's press release trumpeting that the UK has a small but growing market share in US recorded music sees Gordon coming over all proud:

Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the airwaves...

Yes. Really.

AMERICA is in the grip of a second British invasion.

Third, if you count the time we stole large swathes of the land, killed all the buffalo and then killed most of the people who lived there.

New data from the British Phonographic Industry shows British acts’ sales have surged in the past year, making us punch far above our modest size in the huge market.

Really? Surged, you say?

UK acts now account for a whopping one in ten records sold in North America.

Oh, yes - that's more than French acts, German acts, Dutch, Eritrean and Gabonese acts put together.

But since the UK population is one-fifth the size of that of the UK, surely selling one-tenth the number of records is actually punching below our weight? Especially when you consider that we have the advantage of a shared language, and the major companies selling recorded music are the same both sides of the Atlantic.

Still, tell us about the surge:

And 2008 saw our share of the multi-billion-dollar American scene leap 1.5 per cent.

So, for every £100 worth of records we sold in 2007, we're now selling £101.50 worth?

That's not really a surge, is it? That's an upwards trickle.

And it does also mean you have to pretend that all of AC-DC is a UK act to make the figures work.

And it's not really even £101.50 records to every £100, as none of this takes account of the fall in the value of the US market.

Still, "British artists sales fall less quickly than US artists" isn't the sort of headline you'd whip out the Union Jack bunting for, is it?

Gordon, meanwhile, is cross because the numbers don't exist to prove that Leona Lewis and Coldplay are better than The Beatles and The Stones:

No reliable sales data was produced at the time, but my insider at the BPI tells me they suspect today’s artists have had a bigger impact.

His "insider" at the BPI, that would be. Yes, the BPI - the body which is paid by the major labels to make them look good - is apparently leaking details which make the major labels look good (if you don't think about it). Gordon, it's fine to actually gather news from people who want to be quoted.

So, secret strictly off-the-record briefing insider, tell us more:

The source said: “It’s frustrating because the US recording industry has not kept the correct data from the time to prove it conclusively.

Advertisement

“But we’re certain British pop music is having more of an impact in America now than it has ever done.

“It’s a huge feat to get to ten per cent because the US record-buying public are notoriously insular in their tastes and often resistant to imports.”

Actually, given that the British music industry are allowing quotes to appear in the UK press effectively telling Americans that they stick to their own, maybe there was good reason for not revealing names. Really, BPI, you think that's the way to talk about your biggest overseas market?

It's not even true, is it? Not especially, and certainly not amongst Americans who buy lots of music.

Still, there is tiny evidence of a Bizarre Invasion into the US - some old tat about Mel Gibson's marriage is, I think, Pete Samson's first major appearance on Bizarre since he quit being Gordon's deputy in favour of the plush Sun US editor's job.

Gordon in the morning: Too much wine and too much Winehouse

So, yesterday - where were we? Amy doing circus lessons, right? So today, Gordon's team, then, would be expected to be leading on a 'bad Amy' story, yes? Yes.

WASTED AMY WINEHOUSE is reduced to crawling up to holidaymakers and grabbing their drinks — after fed-up resort staff refused to serve her.

Crawling? On all fours? Like some sort of Oddbins Gollum?

Smart and his team have documented this holiday with the sort of attention to detail that geography teachers bring to their vacations on glaciers. Only loyal readers of Bizarre might be confused, as some days Amy is reported as being loved-up and on the mend; other days, her supposed crush is reported as being cold and Winehouse is minesweeping. It looks like Gordon has realised even his readers might have spotted the confusion, and he's come up with a neat solution. If Bizarre can't keep itself straight - why, it's Amy's fault:

The Rehab star also baffles guests with her mood swings.

One said: “One minute she is very pleasant, saying, ‘All right darlin’ and chatting to people and having photos taken. The next she is throwing things and swearing her head off.”

Aha - it's not that the Sun is extrapolating wildly from each set of photos it gets sent. Oh, no: Winehouse is suffering mood swings.

As if it wasn't enough Winehouse, Pete Samson has a separate, dubious-sounding Winehouse story that is at least more diverting than the latest St Lucia dispatch:

TROUBLED AMY WINEHOUSE has been offered her first movie role

Hang about - is it a good idea to cast a "troubled" star, Pete?

- if she can clean up her act.

Aha.

The Rehab star, 25, has been sent a script by Universal Pictures.

And a coach is available to help improve her acting skills.

But bosses have warned she must keep up her drug rehabilitation.

It's not clear if she's able to carry on hiding under tables and pinching discarded Bacardi Breezers while starring in the film. I expect this is the sort of detail agents work out later on.

So, what's the role?

She would play a music teacher in a problem school.

Aha. Inspiring pupils and so on? Hang on, though, doesn't that sound a little like...

A source revealed: “The movie is a bit like MICHELLE PFEIFFER’s film Dangerous Minds."

No, no - doesn't that sound a bit like Grange Hill? Is Amy being lined up for Scruffy McGuffy: The Musical?

“You can’t have a teacher looking like a scrawny crack addict. It’s hoped the offer will be an incentive for her.”

Oh yes... the sweet, loving, instant embrace of a glowing crack-pipe, or the chance to slog your arse off for months producing a straight-to-DVD cliche-romp. With stage school kids pretending to be edgy. Michelle Pfeiffer would probably advise Amy to stick to the drugs.

Gordon in the morning: Without you, I'm nothing

It's been a torrid relationship, but it's taken to a whole new level this morning:

SINGER AMY WINEHOUSE gave junkie hubby BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL a “farewell bonk” in hospital before he returned to jail, pals said last night.

No, not Blake and Amy. Pete and Gordon:

By PETE SAMSON
and GORDON SMART

The deputy's byline climbing on top of the guv'nor? And the pair of them sharing a tiny story like this?

The source added: “It was obvious what went on.”

No, that's back to the supposed Amy and Blake sex. This might seem a little odd to readers who rely on Pete Samson's Gordon Smart's Bizarre column to track the lives of the famous, as they would have finished their breakfast yesterday assured that Amy and Blake were over. Apparently, it was Blake's Harold Steptoe charm which sealed the deal:

He told Amy, 25, how sexy she looked — and unlike the line from her hit Rehab, she could not say “No, no, no”.

Two men wrote that.

Elsewhere in The Sun - away from Gordon's kingdom - Leon Watson reports on Google's moves to tidy up YouTube:

YouTube bans 'suggestive' vids

Really, Leon?

"Videos with sexually suggestive (but not prohibited) content will be age-restricted, which means they'll be available only to viewers who are 18 or older," the Google-owned website said.

So they're banning videos, but not prohibiting them.

The internet's top video-sharing site also said it would step up enforcement of rules banning misleading descriptions in the tags and titles of a video.

Misleading titles, huh? Like putting "X bans Y" on top of a story about X not actually banning Y at all, for example?

Gordon in the morning: Boomerang Blake

Gordon and Pete are working together this morning - it would be unkind to assume that Samson's done the writing and Smart wrote the byline - as editor and deputy claim that Blake Filledof-Cocaine has failed a drugs test and will be heading back to prison (or "back to lags" as the headline has it, which presumably is meant to be a pun on Back To Black, even although it isn't). The pair claim that Blake - upon hearing the news - rushed off to try and see Amy Winehouse in hospital, while Amy's friends delight at the news:

Amy’s friend said yesterday: “She had finally started stepping up divorce proceedings again but he started phoning again and getting inside her mind.

“Now he is out of the picture again she can concentrate on getting her life on track.”

Given that while he was in prison before, Winehouse was more devoted than ever, you wouldn't necessarily put money on that.

In the interests of fairness, there's a brilliant headline in Bizarre today:

Beyonce's hirsutilicious

It's a pity it sits on top of a nasty non-piece about Beyonce's armpit hair.

Gordon in the morning: Kings Of Leon on the brink?

If you wade through what is a bloody awful Bizarre this morning (Jodie Marsh, Britney Spears is pretty) you do get to quite an eye-catching story: The Kings Of Leon tour at risk as the band, supposedly, fall out:

The FOLLOWILL lads have had a major bust-up over frontman CALEB’s boozing.

The band told me earlier this year that they had turned their backs on their hell-raising rock ’n’ roll lifestyle.

But Caleb has been hitting the bottle big time, causing tension between him and his brothers NATHAN and JARED, and their cousin MATTHEW.

Gordon reckons the band haven't spoken for a "couple of weeks" and that management are getting nervous with the arena tour about to start. There's even quite a clever headline: KOL? with the "KO" in red.

But Gordon doesn't seem confident in the story - it's so hedged, it's buried down today's business, and it ends like this:

I hope they make up in time because this tour — which sold out in minutes — promises to cement their status as one of the best rock acts today.

So either we're going to get a "you heard it here first" or Gordon can just go "phew, it never came to that, just like I hoped".

Meanwhile, Pete Samson is again in charge of the splash, about "junkie diva" Amy Winehouse "planning a split" from Blake. This is tagged as an exclusive, but given that the Bizarre column has been predicting this since about 1934, it's not really so very exclusive.

Gordon in the morning: A sordid four-page fantasy

Regular readers of Gordon Smart's column will be familiar with Blake Fielder-Civil's plans to dump Amy Winehouse and run off with a "mystery blonde" who may or may not have turned out to be a brunette. So, they'll be slightly confused today to discover that, erm, actually, he's planning to dump Amy and run off with a different mystery blonde - or, in the words of Richard White, "Showbiz reporter":

AMY WINEHOUSE’s rat husband BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL is plotting drug-fuelled sex romps with a woman jailbird he has never even met.

Fielder-Civil has supposedly been sending sexy letters to Melissa Goldstone which have, somehow, got into the paper this morning:

In a note the 24-year-old received last month, he detailed a four-page fantasy so graphic most of it cannot be printed in a family newspaper.

Yes, you don't want to open a newspaper to read a journalist writing about a woman's tits only to be confronted with someone getting all sexual, do you? Presumably to save himself from feeling sexy-sexy-wrong, White concentrates on spelling and grammar:

The error-strewn message continued: “I squeeze your throat whilst your s****** me and I ask you if your a dirty b***h.” He then described a deeply disturbing sex fantasy before signing off: “At most we’ve got to wait ten weeks for the best snog of our lives!! Miss you Lissy, love and rockets, your Blakey x x x.”

We're at a lost how the paper can happily chat away about Blake throttling the woman during sex and then suddenly decide that the rest of the letter is too disturbing to share - perhaps he's going to ask her to beat him with a Daily Mirror.

Blake, it turns out, really isn't very bright:

Another time he wrote: “I’ve told Amy about you and read a bit of one of your letters. It turns her on and she wants to meet ya. I think she might write to you cuz she asked for your address."

Yes. Yes, we imagine she probably has.

Meanwhile, Pete Samson is reporting that Amy has stormed out of her clinic - the one the Sunday People was insisting that she wasn't going to leave until Blake was out:

A pal said: “We feared a taste of the outside would remind her what she’s missing and it would be hard to get her back into life at the clinic. That’s exactly what’s happened.”

Ah, yes, that slippery slope: a day out is the gateway drug to living outside.

Samson is alarmed. Or, rather, is having Winehouse's friends being alarmed on his behalf:

Friends now fear she may return to drugs

May? May? Come on, Samson, we can work up more alarm than that, can't we?

— if she hasn’t already.

Elsewhere on Gordon's Gordonless pages, yet-another-Cole-Tweedy story churns out, notable only for the byline:

By SUN REPORTER

Nobody even wants to put their name to the guff anymore, then.

ASHLEY COLE surprised his stunning wife CHERYL on her birthday by turning up unannounced to the X Factor auditions in Manchester.

And you can see why. The point of the story seems to be more about quashing a different story:

And the couple, who looked over the moon to have their marriage back on track, scotched yesterday’s reports that Cheryl had not been at his brother’s wedding over the weekend.

'Yesterday's reports' having appeared in the now-removed Gordon Smart's Bizarre page, but still on Google News, just:

Ashley is the sole Cole
The Sun, UK - Jun 29, 2008
By JOHN TROUP LOVE rat ASHLEY COLE turned up to his brother’s wedding alone – sparking fresh speculation over his marriage to CHERYL. ...

Interesting that The Sun was so ashamed of its error that it removed the page entirely rather than, say, merely correcting it.

Gordon in the morning: Pete in the morning

Amy Winehouse's gentle decline continues, and it falls to Gordon's number two, Pete Samson, to take care of the story. Which he does well, almsot enjoying the chance to knock down Gordon's story yesterday which diagnosed her with TB:

STRICKEN AMY WINEHOUSE has been in quarantine as docs try to contain her chest infection — but her tuberculosis tests came back clear yesterday.

Pete quotes a source that suggests Amy is still "hoping" to play Glastonbury and the Mandela gig. That's what a ninety year-old needs: someone coughing blood all over him.

Gordon has also passed over responsibility for the latest dispatch from the Cole-Tweedy marriage to a pair of writers:

From RICHARD WHITE
in Marbella, Spain
and COLIN ROBERTSON

The pair of them put their heads together and came up with some terrible, terrible puns:

Cheryl's own Cole

- which is supposed to be reference to "pals" who think she's made a mistake getting back with Ashley, but would probably only work as a pun on "own goal" if they included a word like "score" - otherwise, it just seems that the paper is accepting that Ashley is all Cheryl's.

There's worse, though:

Ash she gone mad? ... Cheryl with cheat hubby

"Ash" isn't even a pun - it's anagram, if anything.

Gordon in the morning: Changing his mind

In today's Sun on the newsstand, Gordon leads with the decent story about Coldplay dropping their Kylie collaboration from their album because - heaven forbid - the track is "too sexy":

Chris said the track with Kylie was just “too sexy” this time round and he explained: “At this point we cannot be that sexy.

“It’s a song called Luna and Kylie is particularly brilliant on it.

“It will be on a record we will put out in 2009, some time at the end of next year. It will be track nine, I imagine.”

Now, this is pretty good stuff: if you must keep banging on about Coldplay's dull new album, finding a new angle is quite a surprise. Especially one which manages to unite Coldplay fans ("ooh! and another new album next year!") and people who actually like music ("snurkle! how could any track with their lumpen presence on it be 'too sexy'?").

So why is it that, by the time the column made it to the web, the lead story is instead that, erm, Jordan has read a book about Fred West?

Meanwhile, the power struggle between Gordon and his deputy, Pete Samson, seems to have developed into attempts at public humilation, judging by this piece on Abbey Clancy:

Bizarre Deputy Editor Pete Samson clocked these pictures yesterday and asked the office if we had seen Abbey’s “fun suit”.

A confusion of “funbags” and “play suit” had occurred as his mind frantically tried to process the images without letting his obvious excitement get out of control.

The end result was embarrassing and fair punishment for trying to impress the girls with his fashion knowledge.

Perhaps, in the office, this was an amusing moment. Why on earth would Gordon think that it was worth publishing, though, unless to make Samson look stupid? And "his obvious excitement" - does that mean what we think it means (and the mental image we're desperate to try and shake out of our heads?)

Gordon in the morning: Pete in the morning

The, shall we say, generosity of Gordon in allowing his deputy Pete Samson to write the big stories knows no bounds. While Gordon writes a James Blunt needs finger surgery non-story, Pete Samson ("and Lucy Hagan") tries to make some sense out of Amy Winehouse's life. The paper is convinced that she's about to dump Blake and marry Alex Haines instead. Indeed, the Sun is thrilled by what it claims is the "favour" it's done for Amy:

But she had been unable to face telling the junkie about her affair with ALEX HAINES — her manager’s aide. A source said yesterday: “In all honesty they think The Sun has done them a favour.

“It was getting harder to keep the affair under wraps.”

But - if there is an affair - surely the reason why it would be hard to keep it under wraps would be the likes of the Sun constantly hanging about outside, peering in through the curtains? It's like being delighted the guy who's broken your legs has thrown your body out a car into a hospital car park.

The paper also resurrects the "other" Blake, claiming that the days of innuendo back then were spot-on:

She was just out of rehab and staying at London’s Park Plaza hotel when she began romping with American BLAKE WOOD — dubbed Blake II by her chums.

One said: “You could hear them down the hall. Her thing with Blake II lasted a few weeks. The pair barely left their room.”

"Dubbed Blake II by her chums", rather than Gordon, eh?

The friend said: “It’s funny how she bedded the last two people who have been helping to look after her. Amy is sex-mad — and she gets what she wants.”

For prurient hacks, the Sun doesn't really understand sex at all, does it? Isn't Amy's (alleged) sex-life going to be like the rest of her life, characterised by an awful lot of empty, destructive, addictive consumption?

Gordon in the morning: Under the glowing flame

For reasons we can't quite place - although we suspect it might have something to do with Murdoch's craven courting of the Chinese government - the business of Bizarre, along with all other business of The Sun, is taking place under a Sun masthead featuring an animated gif of an "olympic" flame. Presumably it's only a matter of time before the paper's website completes its rewind to 1996 and features dripping blood and dancing babies all over the shop.

Gordon's main business this morning is claims sourced from a "senior police source" that Naomi Campbell suggests she was only arrested and cautioned "because she was black", but:

“It’s a bit rich coming from her.

“The WPC said she was called a white this and a white that.

“She has been away from work since the incident.”

Gordon pulls, well, most of his punches detailing what Campbell supposedly said:

Now cops claim she called a WPC a “white ****” and a “white s**g” as she was dragged off the LA-bound jet in handcuffs.

The police source said Naomi continued, screaming: “****ing white honkeys” at the officer and her colleagues.

So, "slag" loses its middle letters - presumably lest readers assume Campbell said "shit", but the first word is lost in its entirety. Presumably "cunt"? So Gordon's readership would blanch at looking at his page to see some good old-fashioned shots down women's shirts and talk about breasts, only to come across foul language. And the fit of vapours would be so bad, they can't even have a hint of what one word is - but, equally, "slag" would be unacceptable for them, but enough clues can point to the word without spelling it out, so they'll know its meant to be slag anyway.

Also, while none of Campbell's alleged behaviour is pleasant, is being called a "s**g" or a "****" really so bad member of the police force would have to take time off work to recover?

Gordon mentions that Naomi has been banned from BA flights in future; he doesn't offer any explanation as to why not being allowed on the fall-apart flag carrier is considered to be a punishment. "Go on, go and see if American can lose your suitcases."

More airport fun: Geri Halliwell passes through security at LAX; her kid gets a bit grumpy. An everyday event, you might think. Not so Gordo:

Whinger Spice

SINGER GERI HALLIWELL grabs daughter Bluebell Madonna by her hoodie — as the tot has a tantrum at an airport.

Seriously, Gordon, if you think having a pop at a toddler for not enjoying waiting in a hot airport to be checked for explosives is the stuff of journalism, you might want to step aside.

Pushing Gordon out the way, Pete Samson delivers an opinion piece on Pete Doherty's incarceration. It's headlined:

About Time Too

- we suspect that refers to his elevation to official voice of the Bizarre column rather than Pete's imprisonment, but maybe not.

By finally jailing him it gives the right message to Pete and his fans.

... although, we're pretty certain, just liking someone's music doesn't yet constitute a criminal offence, is it?

Gordon in the morning: A man of his word

Having pledged to 6Music listeners that Amy Winehouse would "get some space now" to fight her problems, Gordon's column this morning once again confirms it's the sort of space where her every move will be reported. This morning, Bizarre details how Winehouse is supposedly watching Monroe films:

The singer’s love of the tragic 1950s icon - who died of a sleeping pills overdose aged 36 - is the only thing making her smile in rehab.

Mitch Winehouse happily details what's happening to his daughter; however, the detail seems to contradict Smart and Dudman's interviews with the BBC justifying running the crack pictures last week as it made Amy agree to rehab:

“She’s compliant and follows everything they tell her ”

But Amy faces being SECTIONED if she leaves [....] Mitch was considering it before we filmed her binge.

So, was it really a case that she picked up The Sun and thought "uh-oh" - or did she enter rehab "willingly" because she was going to be marched there anyway?

Virginia Wheeler and Pete Samson - two writers - handle the big 'Amy watches film' story, while Gordon himself finally strings some words together on the already-mined-out Ashley Cole story, with someone who he may or may not have had sex with claiming that he told her he didn't need a condom because Chelsea had told him he was clean. Although she says she was drunk at the time, although not so drunk she was unable to decide to "take a gamble".

After all that, Gordon needs some relaxation, and it comes in the form of a tshirt for skin cancer awareness featuring a naked Victoria Beckham. Gordon is quite excited:

I think I might buy one for a closer inspection.

We don't want to put the image in your head, but we're picturing him using it like a page three calendar and a sports sock all in one.

Gordon in the morning: I'm in charge

Is it just us, or does the byline on the Winehouse goes to rehab tale speak of some sort of background scuffle?

By GORDON SMART,
Bizarre Editor,
and PETE SAMSON,
Deputy Bizarre Editor

A source close to the story told us: "Gordon wasn't going to sit by and not have his byline on the big story yet again, but Pete insisted that if he shared his byline, he wanted to get his job title into it." Actually, we made up that source and are only guessing that's what led to such a cock-waving heading, but our understanding of tabloid journalism allows us to guess and attribute it to a source.

The amusing thing is, despite all the editorial firepower, Amy going into rehab is considered a lot less key to the paper, which instead splashes online and in the paper with the claims that Ashley Cole supposedly cheated on Cheryl Cole (or had a "“wild” sex romp", of course - according to the rompee Aimee Walton).

Indeed, even the Bizarre website gives greater prominence to Caroline Iggulden's claims that Britney Spears' uncle says she "never had a chance".

The uncle is William Spears, who claims to be in a position to know:

“I’m not just a family friend or someone who claims to know them. I was there every day, working with them. I have seen all the terrible things happen.”

William - or, um, Road Kill Willie as he's apparently known - talked to the The Sun in the luxury of his static caravan, offering the claim that Britney snuck a bottle of booze away from a family party when she was 13 before speculating that perhaps she's cursed because she has the same middle name as her late grandmother, and concluding:

She was a sweet young girl but as she grew up and saw the violence, the alcohol and everything, she became what she saw - as mean and hard-drinking as the rest of the family.

“That kind of childhood would make anyone unstable. It did with me.

“If people think she has reached the bottom, they are very wrong. Suicide is the bottom line for Britney.”

... and when that happens, he'll be waiting in his caravan to share his thoughts on that, too. Prices available on request.

Gordon in the morning: Amy in a cardie

With the news of Britney's, um, friendship being handled by the Sun's American editor, Bizarre is left this morning leading with the news that Amy Winehouse put a cardigan on to keep warm.

Still, her festive spell at Bryan Adams house allows Gordon a spot of muted crowing:

The troubled Rehab star had been staying with singer-turned-photographer BRYAN ADAMS over Christmas and New Year — just as The Sun said she would.

Amusingly, Smart is having to say "as The Sun" rather than "just as I said" because, of course, that story was delivered by Pete Samson. And Gordon has seemingly forgotten that the Sun also insisted that Mick Jagger would be sharing Christmas with the pair.

Even more odd: Smart makes no mention of the presence of George Roberts, Winehouse's ex-boyfriend. Surely - in the context of her devotion to Blake - that's a more interesting story?

Winehouse: Give me temperance - but not yet

With Gordon presumably still following the Spice Girls round America, Pete Samson is again filing the big story for Bizarre - we wonder if he spins round in Gordo's chair, too. This morning, the Ed Balls of the Bizarre cabinet has an unsourced story which builds on the Israeli rehab story the paper was pushing last week, claiming that Amy is going to go off to rehab-lite. But not before a "big Christmas blowout". Which would be like a new year resolution, presumably.

The two stories actually don't make sense together, though: last week Gordon was suggesting Amy was reluctant rehabber - hence the trip to the Israel clinic where rehab lasts only a week (the course; we imagine the clean time isn't as long as that); this week Pete Samson is saying she's keen.

Odd.

Meanwhile, Ringo Starr is worried about Amy, too:

“God Bless Amy. She’s a great talent and she’s going through a situation right now.

“It’s a very public destruction. The good news is that there’s more help around now than before.”

It's true that - back in the 60s it took a lot of organisation to get yourself destructing; now, it's easier than ever to dabble, snort, smack and generally befuck yourself. In some companies, it's even tax deductible.