Other careers: One Direction to 18 holes

Niall Horan has branched out since One Direction. Into, erm, golf:

The 1D star, who runs a golf talent agency, is off to Minnesota next week to act as cheerleader for the Europeans.

Niall, 23, told me: "I think I'm going to be involved with the Ryder Cup team to try to do a bit for them and help them concentrate on their golf.

I would have been going there anyway because the Ryder Cup is one of the ones you have to tick off the bucket list. I'm looking forward to it.

There's a lot going on here. If you care about golf so much you run a golf business, the idea that "going to the Ryder Cup" is just a bucket list item seems a bit weird - especially if you have a money-no-object lifestyle.

That's to say nothing of the idea that professional golfers at a major golfing tournament might need help to "concentrate on their golf"; or that the best way to help with this concentration is to have a pop star-turned-golfing Arthur Daly turn up.

And there's that vague "I think" - if it's next week, shouldn't you know whether or not you're going to be involved? Or will this come as news to the European golf team?

Harry Styles: This is probably a better review than they realise

"How is Harry Style's acting?"
"Well, his haircut is fabulous."

One Direction split

The news, of course, has rumbled through the day: One Direction have announced they're going to sort-of split, or at least go on hiatus, to allow the individual members to experiment with a solo career and find out how it feels to get a number 29 chart hit for a few months.

Someone's making a nice quid or two out of it, though:

Unscrupulous sellers are cashing in on the shock announcement from the group, which includes Wolverhampton-born Liam Payne and Harry Styles, from Redditch.

The Barclaycard Arena is already a complete sell out for Saturday October 10 and the following two nights have just a few tickets left, 1D fans will have to scramble to be among the Birmingham crowds.

Ticket prices are more than three times the price of the original face value tickets, with users of the popular ticket selling site StubHub.com selling tickets for prices of up to £1,298.

People prepared to pay over a grand to see them must be some sort of mega-fan, although not so mega that they were that arsed about getting tickets when they only cost fifty quid.

iTunes Music festival upgrades with new interface

The long-running iTunes music festival - an event which mostly exists so the music industry can be gently reminded who is in charge here - is being rebranded this year as the Apple Music festival.

Amongst the acts: Florence and One Direction. 1D playing the Roundhouse is an interesting way to create the maximum number of upset excluded fans in one go.

Simon LeBon has sympathy for One Direction

Simon LeBon looks at One Direction. He know what they're going through. That was him, once. (Except Duran had to come up with ideas and make records and play instruments, but... you know what I mean).

Simon feels for them:

"They are a cash cow for so many people," he said. "There's a huge pressure to never take a break."

I'm not sure they're cash cows, are they? They're more golden-egg laying geese, which will be worked to death. And not slowly. Maybe battery hens.

How quickly can Zayn be photoshopped out of One Direction history

Tour posters? He's gone already. "Perfume" ads? Ironically still hanging about like a bad smell.

When bodyguards are collateral damage

You know who's really lost out with Zayn leaving One Direction?

Okay, yes, apart from retailers who now have piles of Zayn dolls they're going to have to mark down.

It's his former bodyguard:

Guys , just so you know , I'm just as sad about Zayn leaving the band , I've been with them 5 years , but I respect his choice :-/

— Preston Mahon (@prestonmahon) March 30, 2015

I have to respect it , even tho it's put me out of work now :-( but I'll bounce back , I hope x

— Preston Mahon (@prestonmahon) March 30, 2015

It's interesting that Malik's management appear to have concluded that once he's no longer in the band, the risks that used to haunt his every step evaporate. There's a duty of care question hidden behind those two tweets.

There's a response to Zayn Malik quitting you didn't expect

You might have thought what with the struggle Universal Credit is proving to roll out, the Department of Work And Pensions might have been too busy to pass comment on boyband splits.

You'd be wrong:

Hi @zaynmalik, heard your news. Around 735,000 vacancies available at any time. Get job seeking tips here: http://t.co/7MxPeMGLrA #ZaynMalik

— DWP Press Office (@dwppressoffice) March 25, 2015

I think Zayn should heed this tweet. Given the way the DWP slap sanctions on people at the merest opportunity, ignoring that Tweet will probably leave Zayn unable to draw down his pension in the future.

Band Aid 30: Act global, think local

The Bradford Telegraph And Argus knows what's crucial about Band Aid 30:

BRADFORD’S One Direction star Zayn Malik will feature on a new Band Aid song.

The term "ebola" doesn't appear until the penultimate word.

It's also uncomfortable the context in which is appears:

and is expected to raise millions to ease Africa’s Ebola crisis.

Most of Africa doesn't have an "Ebola crisis". So, in much the same way that the original Band Aid painted a picture of a continent entirely in the grip of famine (which wasn't the case), the new one is painting a picture of a continent raddled with disease (which isn't the case). Nice to keep those Imperialist traditions going, isn't it?

One Direction literally own 5 Seconds Of Summer

It's like the way BT owns Plusnet, and makes money from people thinking they're sticking it to BT by going to the "alternative": Each member of One Direction has a direct financial stake in 5 Seconds Of Summer.

So those people wondering if One Direction are about to be eclipsed by the Australians, worry not. They're not a challenge; just a subsidiary.

It's not clear if One Direction are attempting to own all bands whose names start with numbers, but Rocky Erickson is currently watching a powerpoint presentation being delivered by a man with a haircut.

Gennaro Castaldo Watch: One Direction sell a lot of records

It's been a while since we've heard from Gennaro Castaldo, former HMV think-speaker, in his new role as BPI thought-pronouncer. But the Internation Business Times has secured a few words from the great man on the occasion of One Direction selling records:

Gennaro Castaldo, a spokesman for the music industry trade body BPI, said: "For home-grown talent to have recorded the world's biggest selling album six out of the last seven years is a phenomenal achievement that says a great deal about the popularity of British music around the world.

"Aside from the obvious contribution to British exports, this success underlines the vital role our music and artists play in promoting the appeal of British culture around the world."

I'm not sure the contribution to British exports is that obvious. Isn't most of the One Direction crap sold in shops made overseas and, thus, the band's success is actually harming - rather than helping - the UK's balance of payments? And the CDs sold overseas aren't made in the UK; nor are the downloads normally housed on British servers. There's the intellectual property, of course, but the songwriting and production credits on One Direction are drawn from an admirably wide range of territories, so at best represent money flowing through, but expressly out, of the UK economy.

But, regardless, suggesting that One Direction are - narrowly - a British success is a bit of a fib.

Jarvis Cocker: Made of cake

Sheffield pop star Jarvis becomes one of the cake people

Sorry... what did you just say, Sheffield Star?

Bespectacled Pulp frontman Jarvis Cocker, along with Louis Tomlinson from One Direction, have both had their likenesses moulded out of cake, complete with edible painted icing.

This is to celebrate Yorkshire Day. And to be fair, the one on the right is meant to be Judi Dench and not Louis Tomlinson.

Pictures of Louis Tomlinson fail to purchase football club

The much ballyhooed takeover of Doncaster Rovers by Louis Tomlinson is about to collapse, as the Football League isn't impressed.

Of course, Tomlinson was never actually going to buy the club, but was instead helping a fan-funded trust purchase the team. But it's not working out:

The Trust's Crowdfunder total currently stands at £757,796 from 514 backers, well short of the £2m target. Tomlinson had declared that he was going to charge £250 per selfie, in order to raise money for the club.

It must be a bit galling for Tomlinson. I bet he's aware Harry Styles could probably raise enough from selling selfies to buy Man United. Or at least Everton.

The grown-ups who are helping Louis with the bid are a bit upset:

Clearly angered by the decision, [John] Ryan told BBC Radio Sheffield: "The situation is that the crowd-funder didn't succeed and we are very sorry about that but the real problem is with the Football League.

"They have made it so difficult now that unless you have a bag full of cash you are going to get turned down."

You can understand his frustration, but 'not raising the amount of cash required to ensure the team can function' does seem to be less a problem with the Football League and more about the people trying to raise the money.

Still: you can't purchase a medium-sized business with huge running costs and variable income streams without having a lot of money. Every day is an education, isn't it?

Harry Styles likes porn

What's probably most interesting about the 'Harry Styles twitter account has a favourite on a porn picture' is this bit:

The singer first favourited the image back on May 22, but followers have only just noticed and began reacting on the microblogging site.

It took over a month for someone, anyone to notice? What sort of shabby obsessives are One Direction fans, exactly? Back when I was a nipper, if Simon LeBon changed his Sunday paper from the Times to the Telegraph, Duranies would have had a pile of Sunday Telegraph magazines burning by sunset, and that was without the internet.

Yet one of One Direction can put a star on a vagina, and the hundreds of thousands who claim to be obsessed don't even notice for over a month?

Unless, of course, the favouriting only just happened, but on an old picture, but that would mean DigitalSpy don't understand how Twitter works and that's unpossible, right?

So, DS, what happened?

Harry Styles appears to have publicly favourited a pornographic image on Twitter, unaware that fans can see it.

It is not clear whether the One Direction star intended to favourite the picture believing it would be hidden or whether he was hacked.

There is a third possibility that doesn't seem to have occurred to DS, which is that Harry favourited the photo knowing it would be public. Or the fourth, more likely possibility, that whoever is "Harry Styles" for the purposes of Twitter wanted to favourite the photo on their personal account, but were logged into their work account.

Fans have now managed to get the hashtag #HarryDontLickAnything into Twitter's worldwide Trending chart.

You're telling him to not lick anything? WHAT SORT OF FANS ARE YOU?

One Direction; two viewpoints

How "journalism" works.

Daily Star, first edition:

It's disgusting! Harry posting pictures of his cock (albeit in pants) to the internet! We're outraged on the public's behalf at Harry's behaviour!

Daily Star, final edition:

It's disgusting! Someone pretending to be Harry posting pictures of his cock (albeit in pants) to the internet! We're outraged on Harry's behalf!

(Side true story: Shortly after I took the second picture in Tesco, I rounded a corner to hear a girl complaining to her mother that there were no One Direction lunchboxes on display. She was looking for a sandwich box.)

One Direction want you to put Twitter down

Liam Payne is fretting about connected kids:

The 'Story of My Life' hitmakers are all avid users of social networking sites such as Twitter and Instagram but Liam Payne thinks their younger fans shouldn't be using them and that they should be focusing on having fun instead.

He said: ''When I think about it, I do start to worry about this whole social media thing. It does make me uncomfortable; kids should be out, living their lives, getting out and enjoying themselves.''

I imagine if I got 37,000 tweets every ten seconds saying "LIAM OMIGOD FOLLOW ME PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE", I'd probably want Twitter to be banned for anyone yet to reach puberty, too.

Harry Styles as Lennon, with Lennon as Jesus

If you're ever in need of a working example of "the second time as farce", you can now reach for the outrage that has greeted Harry Styles turning up in America and saying One Direction are, right now, bigger than The Beatles.

A spokesperson for Jesus giggled and said "now Lennon knows how Jesus felt when he was throwing round the comparisons in our direction. Stings, doesn't it, John?"

Liam Payne sends tweet praising gay-hostile clan; seems surprised at outcome

Liam Payne out of One Direction sent a cheery tweet to Duck Dynasty on Saturday:

@williebosshog huge love to you/your family huge respect for your business prosperities and the family values you still all behold. big fan

— Liam Payne (@Real_Liam_Payne) January 18, 2014

This is one of those innocent looking tweets which falls firmly into the ill-advised part of the behaviour spectrum, what with Phil Robertson out of Duck Dynasty having shared his views on homosexuality a few weeks back:

“Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men," Robertson said before paraphrasing a Bible verse. "Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers — they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.”

So, is Liam endorsing this homophobic bullshit?

Of course not, or at least the tweet doesn't have any evidence of that. Bless him, he's not likely to be appearing on Celebrity Mastermind any time soon, and it's probable that he was just sending a friendly tweet to another unfathomably popular person who had their faces on Christmas wrapping paper this year.

No, really:

However, even Liam must have spotted all the "proud to be a redneck" guff and might have wanted to think twice before praising a group who not only don't believe in evolution but appear to be trying their hardest to reverse it.

But what's done is done, and since Liam can't take the warm greeting back, all he needs to do is explain what he was thinking.

So, Liam. You're a fan of Duck Dynasty. They're a bit homophobic, and some parts of the internet believe that you're endorsing their views.

"Oh my god can someone literally not be a fan if a show without bring labeled WTf I bought dinner the other day it made a news story.

It's unquestionably true that, as part of those piles of money you keep getting, there's an almost intolerable level of interest in your doings.

You might think that if you go out and buy a burrito and that gets picked over, that'd make you think carefully about saying 'you know what I like? That show where everyone threatened to pull out if the network suspended the guy who said that being gay was like fucking animals', so I'm not sure pretending to be Vicky Pollard here is going to help.

"What I gotta do to please you bastards I'm a 20 year old just living life as you did when u where twenty but in extraordinary circumstances.

Yeah. Quite a lot of people who are twenty are quite a way through their degree, Liam. If you were thirteen, or eight, "I am so young" could be fair enough. But twenty years old?

"I can't do anything without being judged u try that and write about it."

Again, if this was about the supper you chose the other night, you might have a fair point. But this is hugging a group who have trilled that black people were happier before the civil rights moment. I think it's the sort of thing you might expect observers to have a view about.

"Sick of all this bull il be back again when the freedom of speech law is back and people don't believe to much into the bulls*** they read."

Aaaaaah. Freedom of speech law. That'd be the law that you and Phil Robertson from Duck Dynasty are free to say whatever they like, but nobody else has the right to call you on it.

There's not much indication he understands why people might want to ask him for clarification on his views.

There's not much evidence there was much thought at all.

Brits 2014: The nominations

It's considered bad luck to not have your Christmas decorations down by the time the Brit Awards shortlist is released, so let's hope your tree is packed away.

Moving a large pile of baubles to one side, let's see what we've got this year.

Katy Perry, Ellie Goulding, Bruno Mars and Bastille are all going to play the event.

In totally unconnected news, Katy Perry, Ellie Goulding, Bruno Mars and Bastille have all been nominated.

For some reason, they've produced a shortlist for Critic's Choice, even although they announce the winner of that prize at the same time as the shortlist - so, congratulations Sam Smith; bad luck to Chloe Howl and Ella Eyre. Especially to Chloe Howl, who must be wondering why critics have favoured Sam Smith's plodding-about-in-a-dead-mans-coat over her work. It's like a fun fair losing out to a domino table.

Smith presumably helped through his work with Disclosure, whose name ripples through the shortlists alongside that of Bastille. It's actually quite positive to see this - two names that I don't think you'd have been able to predict having such resonance this time last year.

Elsewhere it's business as usual: Lady GaGa, despite her only having done a shit record last year. Pink, despite her not having done any records at all. Bruno Mars, despite him being Bruno Mars.

That godawful One Direction One Way Or Another record has somehow been picked as one of the best singles of the year.

It's unclear what's more surprising - that Olly Murs is considered to have made one of the best singles of 2013, or that - if we accept this as a fact - he's not considered to be one of the best male solo artists of the year.

Anyway, here's the slim pickings that some poor sods will have to weigh against each other in full:

British Male Solo Artist
David Bowie
Jake Bugg
James Blake
John Newman
Tom Odell

British Female Solo Artist
Birdy
Ellie Goulding
Jessie J
Laura Marling
Laura Mvula

British Group
Arctic Monkeys
Bastille
Disclosure
One Direction
Rudimental

British Breakthrough Act
Bastille
Disclosure
Laura Mvula
London Grammar
Tom Odell

Critics' Choice
Sam Smith
(Winner)

Chlöe Howl
Ella Eyre

British Single
Bastille - 'Pompeii'
Calvin Harris/Ellie Goulding - 'I Need Your Love'
Disclosure ft AlunaGeorge - 'White Noise'
Ellie Goulding - 'Burn'
John Newman - 'Love Me Again'
Naughty Boy ft Sam Smith - 'La La La'
Olly Murs - 'Dear Darlin''
One Direction - 'One Way or Another (Teenage Kicks)'
Passenger - 'Let Her Go'
Rudimental ft Ella Eyre - 'Waiting All Night'

British Album of the Year
Arctic Monkeys - AM
Bastille - Bad Blood
David Bowie - The Next Day
Disclosure - Settle
Rudimental - Home

British Producer of the Year
Ethan Johns
Flood (Mark Ellis) & Alan Moulder
Paul Epworth

International Male Solo Artist
Bruno Mars
Drake
Eminem
John Grant
Justin Timberlake

International Female Solo Artist
Janelle Monae
Katy Perry
Lady Gaga
Lorde
Pink

International Group
Arcade Fire
Daft Punk
Haim
Kings of Leon
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

The Kings Of Leon. Nobody actually likes the Kings Of Leon, do they? They just exist to pad out this sort of thing.

Now, time to try and shove tinsel into a tube.

One Direction: Man goes for a curry

The Wolverhampton Express and Star was excited to discover Liam Payne had popped out for a curry:

What a difference a day makes. Suited and booted, One Direction superstar leaves a Robbie Williams gig after rubbing shoulders with other celebrities - before returning home for a curry with his family in Wolverhampton the next night.

Liam sported a smart black suit and blue shirt when he stepped out with girlfriend Sophia Smith, also from Wolverhampton, after seeing Robbie Williams at the London Palladium on Friday.

The 20-year-old clutched a classic black mac in one hand and his girlfriend’s hand in the other, as the pair were snapped looking dapper.

Sophia, who went to St Peter’s Collegiate School with Liam, wore a black pencil dress and classic camel coat.

But 24 hours later, the boybander proved he’s still a Black Country kid at heart when he was spotted looking more casual during a visit to Penn Tandoori.

Liam toned his look down for the trip on Saturday night, when he was pictured wearing a white T-shirt, blue jeans and black leather jacket.

Yes, in order to pad out a slight 'man has food' story, the E&S not only describe what he was wearing when he had the curry, but the clothes he was wearing 24 hours earlier. I don't know Wolverhampton well, but surely even there the idea that someone has changed their clothes since the day before isn't a news story, is it?

Despite his global status and globe-trotting with his One Direction bandmates, down-to-earth Liam makes numerous trips back to Wolverhampton to visit his family.

That's not really being "down to earth", is it? That's just being a human and seeing your family. "He still talks to his mother - he's so grounded" isn't the sort of thing people say, is it?