He wasn't called Olly Worse, either

Just returned from Milton Keynes Theatre District where, as part of the switching on of the Christmas Lights, they had an Olly Murs tribute act.

Odd, though, I found myself thinking. He doesn't look much like Olly Murs. In fact, he could just be any old bloke who has got up out the crowd to sing a few songs with warmth more than talent.

In other words: it was one of the most accurate tribute acts I've ever seen.

Brits 2014: The nominations

It's considered bad luck to not have your Christmas decorations down by the time the Brit Awards shortlist is released, so let's hope your tree is packed away.

Moving a large pile of baubles to one side, let's see what we've got this year.

Katy Perry, Ellie Goulding, Bruno Mars and Bastille are all going to play the event.

In totally unconnected news, Katy Perry, Ellie Goulding, Bruno Mars and Bastille have all been nominated.

For some reason, they've produced a shortlist for Critic's Choice, even although they announce the winner of that prize at the same time as the shortlist - so, congratulations Sam Smith; bad luck to Chloe Howl and Ella Eyre. Especially to Chloe Howl, who must be wondering why critics have favoured Sam Smith's plodding-about-in-a-dead-mans-coat over her work. It's like a fun fair losing out to a domino table.

Smith presumably helped through his work with Disclosure, whose name ripples through the shortlists alongside that of Bastille. It's actually quite positive to see this - two names that I don't think you'd have been able to predict having such resonance this time last year.

Elsewhere it's business as usual: Lady GaGa, despite her only having done a shit record last year. Pink, despite her not having done any records at all. Bruno Mars, despite him being Bruno Mars.

That godawful One Direction One Way Or Another record has somehow been picked as one of the best singles of the year.

It's unclear what's more surprising - that Olly Murs is considered to have made one of the best singles of 2013, or that - if we accept this as a fact - he's not considered to be one of the best male solo artists of the year.

Anyway, here's the slim pickings that some poor sods will have to weigh against each other in full:

British Male Solo Artist
David Bowie
Jake Bugg
James Blake
John Newman
Tom Odell

British Female Solo Artist
Birdy
Ellie Goulding
Jessie J
Laura Marling
Laura Mvula

British Group
Arctic Monkeys
Bastille
Disclosure
One Direction
Rudimental

British Breakthrough Act
Bastille
Disclosure
Laura Mvula
London Grammar
Tom Odell

Critics' Choice
Sam Smith
(Winner)

Chlöe Howl
Ella Eyre

British Single
Bastille - 'Pompeii'
Calvin Harris/Ellie Goulding - 'I Need Your Love'
Disclosure ft AlunaGeorge - 'White Noise'
Ellie Goulding - 'Burn'
John Newman - 'Love Me Again'
Naughty Boy ft Sam Smith - 'La La La'
Olly Murs - 'Dear Darlin''
One Direction - 'One Way or Another (Teenage Kicks)'
Passenger - 'Let Her Go'
Rudimental ft Ella Eyre - 'Waiting All Night'

British Album of the Year
Arctic Monkeys - AM
Bastille - Bad Blood
David Bowie - The Next Day
Disclosure - Settle
Rudimental - Home

British Producer of the Year
Ethan Johns
Flood (Mark Ellis) & Alan Moulder
Paul Epworth

International Male Solo Artist
Bruno Mars
Drake
Eminem
John Grant
Justin Timberlake

International Female Solo Artist
Janelle Monae
Katy Perry
Lady Gaga
Lorde
Pink

International Group
Arcade Fire
Daft Punk
Haim
Kings of Leon
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

The Kings Of Leon. Nobody actually likes the Kings Of Leon, do they? They just exist to pad out this sort of thing.

Now, time to try and shove tinsel into a tube.

Gordon in the morning: Brits 2013 - Olly Murs has hopes

Olly Murs is making up the shortlist numbers - sorry, has been nominated in two categories in tomorrow night's Brit awards. He's not expecting much, though:

Olly said: “It’s an award that’s voted for by the industry, so I won’t win. If it was voted by the fans then I might have a chance."

Given that Olly is on Syco, part of Sony, and is a complete creation of the music industry, this suggestion that somehow it conspires against him is cute.

Even cuter the suggestion that if it was down to a fan's vote he'd stand a better chance - rather than the organisers simply putting all the prizes in a box and sending them off to One Direction before they'd even published the website.

“It’s great to be nominated this year, with those other guys, so perhaps it’s a step forward within the industry and with journalists. Maybe they’re starting to notice my achievements.”

It turns out Olly is wandering about with a sense that he doesn't get his due. Why don't people recognise his achievements? It's not everyone who can dress like Mickey Pearce and not be ashamed to leave the house, you know.

He said: “People come from The X Factor and they might stick around a year or two, so I’m proud to carry on selling records, to grow a fanbase and be on three albums.

“It’s a massive achievement and it doesn’t get highlighted enough, the three albums I’ve released and the sales I’ve achieved. I think it’s amazing and I’m really chuffed, but it doesn’t get written.”

Suggesting that getting a massive launch via a then-popular television programme and the support of one of the largest record companies in the world is somehow a challenge rather than an enormous leg-up - it's only a surprise he called his autobiography Happy Days instead of My Struggle.

Gordon in the morning: Women meets man, doesn't lead to sex

Olly Murs is on a US tour at the moment. (He isn't, he's playing three showcase dates, but apparently we're now supposed to pretend that's a tour in its own right.)

Gordon reports someone famous was at one of them:

Modern Family actress SARAH HYLAND was at the former X Factor contestant’s sold-out show at the House Of Blues in Los Angeles last week.

The 22-year-old brunette – who plays Haley Dunphy in the award-winning sitcom – hung around in the VIP area to meet Olly and have her picture taken with him after the gig.

Most people will think 'well, that's quite nice'. Gordon, though, seems convinced we need to parse this through a 'DOES THIS MEAN THEY WILL BE BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND AND DO IT, THEN' lens:

But there is no Hollywood romance on the cards this time for single ladies’ man Olly – Sarah is engaged to actor MATT PROKOP.

You know what, Gordon? Just because a man talks to a woman doesn't automatically trigger a flurry of save the day cards.

Gordon in the morning: Olly's sweet FA

Gordon has spotted a gruesome twosome:

HOW about this for an unusual partnership? Former England striker ALAN SHEARER and Essex lad OLLY MURS.

They got together for a chinwag and a couple of bevvies yesterday as the Football Association celebrated the launch of its 150th anniversary year in central London.

Two people at the same event have a chat hardly seems that unusual - perhaps if they were going round solving crimes, or announcing a civil partnership, there might be a raised eyebrow.

But Murs being at the event in the first place - there's something strange there. It turns out Murs has a role with the FA:

Man United fan Olly was at the bash because he’s just been named as an official ambassador for the FA.

Olly Murs. An ambassador. For the FA.

Did it not occur to the FA that they might have access to any number of well-renumerated, high-profile people who perhaps might be more appropriate to promote the image of football?

I'm picturing the scene at Lancaster Gate:

- Righto, we need someone to bring football to the public. How about Olly Murs?
- From the X Factor? Wouldn't it be more appropriate for us to get someone like Beckham?
- Don't be ridiculous, she'd be way too busy with the fashion and musicals and what-not.

Murs does have a connection to the world of Association Soccerball:

Back in the day, Olly was a half-decent footballer – even plying his trade as a semi-pro for Witham Town for a short while.

So that's half-decent performances at a non-league standard from Murs. But before that, he was a footballer.

Chart music might be dead

Olly Murs currently has the number one album and the number one single in the UK charts.

Think about that for a second.

Gordon in the morning: It's there in the paper, it Murs be the truth

Here's a strange little story tease on Gordon's area this morning:

Now, Olly Murs is the only person in the whole entire world to have competed twice on Deal Or No Deal, so he's not above game shows. But is he really "so desperate for love" he's pestering to go on a dating programme?

The first hint that this is going to be a sloppy job is the suggestion that a show on ITV on Saturday nights, pulling in just shy of five million viewers, is a "cult" programme.

So, we'll bite. Show us your evidence.

The story is written by Richard Moriarty, who, like his famous fictional genius namesake, is called Moriarty.

SINGER Olly Murs is so desperate for love he wants to go on dating show Take Me Out.

He wants to go on the dating show because he's desperate, is he?

The Thinking Of Me star told fans he had been pestering host Paddy McGuinness to get him on the cult ITV1 programme.

Poor guy - pestering Paddy McGuinness, and then telling fans about it.

Olly, 28, opened his heart during a performance at Lytham Proms near Blackpool, Lancs.

He opened his heart? This is sounding like quite a serious place to be in.

He teased a band member for being single, saying: “We are in talks with Paddy McGuinness to get him on Take Me Out."

Hang on.

“Obviously he’s got to join the queue — I’m already at the front.”

Ah. So despite the claims that Murs is desperately pestering McGuinness because he wants a girlfriend, actually the story is 'Olly Murs jokes about a single friend and then undecuts it with some self-deprecating humour at his own expense'.

Even if you assume that Moriarty can't spot a joke - that, perhaps, the fictional smart guy he shares traits with Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory - and he was sitting there going "this is all, clearly, factual, because why would anyone say something that wasn't true?", the story is rotten. Because the attempt to turn a weak joke into a news story still adds a load of made-up detail.

Gordon in the morning: Olly Murs' guide to girls

Another staggering piece of high-quality journalism from Gordon Smart this morning:

[Olly Murs] admitted he only used to head to malls with pals to get girls’ numbers.

He said: “I used to go after them and try to chat them up.

“Once I walked home from one and we had seven or eight numbers up our arms.”

Plus five pairs of tight trousers...

Young man goes to public place to talk to women - you can see why Gordon would make room for such a story, can't you?

Not entirely sure about the five pairs of tight trousers - I'm presuming that's a reference to erections in a family newspaper, but why five? Has Gordon conjured this image up so clearly in his head he's been able to count the numbers of swelling groins? Or does he know that Olly has four friends? All rather curious.

Olly Murs admits he's only as famous as the woman on the money at home

Olly Murs - imagine Gary Barlow crafted by the makers of Fireman Sam - appears to overestimate his brand recognition:

Asked whether he is as well-known as the queen, he said: ''Maybe in the UK, but the queen is known across the world and I definitely don't think I have got to that status.

The Queen was reported to be "fuming" at the suggestion: "Sixty bloody years on the notes and stamps, sixty state openings, sixty Christmas day messages. Can he compete with that? I've got a fucking bridge named after me. Where is the Olly Murs bridge, if he's so famous? Can he show me a single pillar box with his initials on? I'm tempted to have him thrown in prison. I've got prisons. They're my majesty's prisons. Murs hasn't even got a lock-up garage. Tosspot."

Nevertheless, a Buckingham Palace spokesperson did reveal, on condition of anonymity, that the Queen's advisors are considering an offer for her to mentor the girl band on next year's X Factor "to help with brand recognition in the 16-30 age bracket."

Gordon in the morning: The exciting Olly Murs

Clearly the X Factor team are annoyed at Gordon running stories claiming that Olly Murs is boring, as today, Gordon tries to reverse ferret:

JLS might think he's boring, but Olly Murs still insists he likes a night out.

That's as far as it goes with trying to beat down the 'boring' claim:

Essex boy Olly stays well clear of the drugs, though.

Now that he's famous they would be easy to come by, he admits, but he finds that worrying.

The X Factor runner-up said: "I don't take drugs but I get offered them a lot in clubs.

"If you are addicted to drugs and you are getting given them for free, then it makes it even worse."

Now, I've a lot of time for anyone who is able to resist the temptation of free drugs, and you've got to respect a person who takes the decision to try and stay clean. But, oh, could he sound any more like the soundtrack to a flickering super-8 1970s 'don't do drucks' film?

Gordon in the morning: Of Murs and men

So, Gordon Smart and the Bizarre team have ponied up some support for this year's Brit Awards, which must mean the Sun man will get some top access at the shortlist announcements, right?

Not so much, actually: a quick awkward snap with Tinie Tempah and Jessie J with a grabbed single line from each; but the only real face time Gordo gets is with Olly Murs. What did Murs have to say about the great honour of being shortlistmeat in the never-ending Best Single category?:

"Actually, we had the same share of the vote yesterday that Labour won with at the general election just a few months ago. So, had the Labour vote not moved, we would have brought it home. We didn't. Labour got the protest vote, they got the anti-government vote."

Oh, sorry. That was Simon Hughes being blandly positive about losing a by-election. Olly Murs being blandly positive about preparing to lose a massive phone-in vote said this:

"It's a great achievement for me just over a year after the X Factor - I didn't expect it. Last year I was on The X Factor tour, we watched JLS win Best Single and it was incredible to see. To have my name on the nominations list is amazing."

I'm sure Olly really understands that the shortlist is designed to have a lot of singles on it so that it will generate lots of phone calls and, consequently, lots of cash and so there's no real achievement here. But he's not going to say that, is he?

Gordon in the morning: At last, a good reason to buy a Katy Perry single

Because apparently, if Olly Murs beats Perry's current single to number one tomorrow, he's going to take his clothes off.

Gordon (or whoever is writing the column at the moment) is very, very excited by this:

And the big-talking Essex lad let me know last night that if he had to choose a fruit to cover his modesty it would be: "Without doubt a pineapple."

Glad he didn't say satsuma.

Why glad? And why, exactly, would you be asking him what sort of fruit he'd use to hide his cock in the first place?

Olly Murs in with a shout of a number one single. If ever there was a sign that the charts are without any value as a guide to the taste of the nation, that would be it.

Olly Murs: There's two of them

There's rumours that the News Of The World will be slipping behind a paywall in the next couple of weeks, so perhaps they're splashing with a front page story about Olly Murs falling out with his brother because they're saving the good stories for when that happens.

Olly's brother, The Other Murs, is miffed because Olly has drfited apart from his family because he's been so busy with his career (that's what it says here, although it doesn't say what the career might be - maybe shifts at Halfords?).

It's one of those stories where the greatest pity is that someone thinks that the best way to heal bad feeling is by selling themselves to the newspapers, but it does contain this wonderful quote:

"I watch my brother - the same person I shared a womb with - on TV now and it's like I don't even know who he is."

Damn you, Olly - did all that time we spent wallowing in the same amniotic fluid mean nothing at all?

Olly Murs: they've made a programme about him

There's going to be a big programme on ITV2 about Olly Murs.

I know what you're thinking: who the hell even remembers Olly Murs, never mind would want to make a programme about him?

Funny you should ask:

A source said: "Sony really wants Olly to be a success so they have funded a documentary about him for ITV2.

"The idea is for fans to get to know the real Olly so, hopefully, they will buy his album."

Unless I'm missing something, doesn't that sound like advertising rather than a "documentary"? I'm sure ITV2 won't be showing this programme without a massive 'advertising promotion' caption all over it, right?

Gordon in the morning: I think he might now just be a bot

I don't think Gordon is even bothering to phone it in these days. Bizarre looks like it's been compiled by a semi-intelligent algorithm this morning.

No, no: Let's not do the joke about how that'd be 50% more intelligence than usual. That would be mean.

So, there's a chunk of JLS, despite them actually not having done anything to justify a story.

Instead of the usual Calvin Kleins, the JLS star is more likely to be sporting a pair of bright yellow Spongebob Squarepants or Superman undercrackers. The boyband picked up the comedy keks on a shopping spree in men's fashion shop Topman on Wednesday.

Yes - "game show losers buy amusing underwear".

Then, of course, there's a picture of a woman from a magazine and an inevitable Robbie Williams story, which is also the inevitable X Factor story:

Rob revealed: "There's this one guy on the X Factor who is amazing. I think he could take my place.

"I've got my eye on him. He's dead."

Apparently something called Olly Murs is the guy who could take Robbie's place - and, yes, from what I've seen he does come across as the sort of gurning pain in the arse who combines the sort of mix of slight talent and annoying personality that could certainly see people getting confused.