Kylie: Young woman had sex shock

The Daily Star is regurgitating already vomit-flecked stuff from The News Of The World ("The Sun On The Sunday") about Kylie.

It's shocking. Prepare to be shocked:

Kylie Minogue's girl-next-door image shattered by sex revelations in explosive new book

There was a period when Kylie was known as SexKylie, so this is the sort of shock right up there with discovering that cheese, for all its tasty solidity, was once milk.

The Star seems aware that this is a yawning chasm in their story, so try to rationalise why this might be a shock:

The pint-sized pop star, who is well-known for her innocent girl-next-door image, is said to have been naughty between the sheets long before her highly-publicised romance with Michael Hutchence, who is said to have "corrupted" her.

The "revelation" is simply that she had sex with someone, so the Star is hoping that 'woman had sex with someone before the boyfriend she met when she was 20' is some sort of surprise. (Apart from anything, surely this is going to generate another Jason Donovan lawsuit?)

It basically all boils down to a tatty book from a tatty little man, Sean Smith, who has got a tattier little man Paolo Marcolin to "tell-all". (It's a 'two teenagers having sex at a party' story - which, a quick search of Google will reveal, is a thing that has never happened anywhere else, at any point before or after.)

And how much weight should we give to Mr Macrolin's testimony?

"We lay on the floor. It was freezing but I had enough alcohol in me not to notice. I was really enjoying myself because Kylie was so nice," Paolo added.

So Marcolin was too drunk to notice it was freezing, and yet he noticed it was freezing.

Sean Smith - who, let's not rush to judge as some sort of grubby smut peddler, perhaps a man with stained trousers and smelly fingers - appears to have some sort of justification for trying to make money and headlines out of a fairly typical thing for a teenager to have done:

"For someone so careful about her private life, Kylie can be astonishingly indiscreet. It is as if, every so often, she gets the devil in her."

Even for a screaming moral vacuum, this is disingenuous. His own tale suggests that this isn't true - let's just look back at Paolo's quote:

"My hands were wandering a bit. Out of the blue, she said, 'Do you want to go somewhere even more private?' Of course I agreed. It sounded great to me.

"She had no idea where she was going but eventually took me to the opposite side of the house. There were a few people catching taxis, so we walked round the corner to be out of sight — or so I thought."
[...]
However, the pair soon realised that they were getting frisky in full view of the other party guests and headed to a small workshop underneath the house where they allegedly began having sex.

So, given that Kylie - without, at this stage, some sort of judging role on Saturday night TV to worry about - twice moved somewhere further out of public view hardly screams of indiscretion. Sean Smith seems to be saying that simply by having someone else present to have sex with Kylie's leaving herself open to having it discussed.

Perhaps Sean hasn't noticed, but it's Paolo who is being indiscreet. It might be a bit much to claim that Kylie had the devil in her, but she certainly seems to have made room for a bit of a Judas.

Woot-ton: Dan returns to News Of The World, replaces Gordon Smart

Not that The Sun On Sunday is really the News Of The World or anything, but the title The Sun supposedly isn't keeps breaking through the carapace.

Dan Wooton's useless News Of The World showbiz column is returning to its old home.

Up until now, Gordon Smart had been offering up a seventh slice of Bizarre in the Sun Of The World; but it seems David Dinsmore has decided that Sunday readers deserved something a bit more meaty.

Dan Wootton had been showbiz editor of the News Of The World when it pretended to close following revelations of just how vague its grip of ethics was.

Victoria Newton: A kind of homecomng

Those of you who have been reading No Rock for a while will remember that back before Gordon Smart's dismal showbiz coverage, Bizarre was the awful kingdom of Victoria Newton. Her high spot was having to run a humiliating apology to Nigel Martin-Smith after she ran Robbie William's lyrical attack on the man.

More recently, she'd been plying her trade at the now-defunct News Of The World. But unlike some other staffers there who were offered jobs in the middle of nowhere, Newton has been given a job right at the heart of Wapping. She's now going to edit the Saturday edition of the paper. Virtue, clearly, brings its own reward.

The NOTW and me: The Great Gambo

James M has been in touch to bring to my attention a story from Paul Gambaccini. Originally posted on the comments section of the New York Times, it was also picked up by Harry's Place. I hope nobody will mind me repeating the whole thing here, as its one of those stories that can't be retold too often:

In 1984, when I was a DJ on BBC Radio 1, I received a phone call at the station from a reporter from the News of the World. He told me it was in my interests to meet him.

“When?” I asked.

“Now,” he said.

I proposed a pleasant coffee shop in Soho, where I would at least get a decent hot chocolate out of this. The scumbag then informed me that the paper was working on a story it had obtained from a young man who had proved he knew me by recording a telephone conversation concerning subject matter not remotely related to the “story”.

The exclusive was that I had sexual intercourse with a number one male chart star on the floor of my kitchen during my birthday party in front of my guests, who included Boy George.

The only true part of this story was that I did indeed have a kitchen floor.

I looked the reporter in the eyes and said “When you were a boy, did you want to grow up to become this?”

I have longed for the end of THE WORLD for twenty-seven years. This week I am as happy as I have ever been. Now bring on THE SUN, THE SUNDAY TIMES and Fox News.

A handy reminder that the behaviour of Rupert's tabloids has always been stinking, before, during and after the editorship of Brooks and Coulson.

Woot-gone: The News Of The World vanishes

As the Screws slithers out its last issue, time for a quick look back. There was a time when I'd pick up on the bigger music-y stories from their pages on a Sunday, but you'll have noticed that started to fade away shortly after Dan Wootton took over from Rav Singh.

This was mainly because, while Singh was a comic creation, Wootton managed to run stories that weren't interesting of themselves. Nor was his stuff presented in a way that - unlike, say, Gordon Smart's work, to take a random example - had enough personality to be worth commenting about.

In effect, Wootton's entire clippings book consists of "I really like one of The Saturday's shoes and she really likes me telling her that I like her shoes" over and over again.

You can catch up with his farewell on the digital version of the paper, where Dan sees it somehow differently:

Naughty celebrities of Britain, you can breathe a sigh of relief as I sign off today

Dan then lists his "top ten scoops". Shall we take a look?

Cue the Pick Of The Pops music, please.

10. Alex Reid claiming he was pushed to suicide by Jordan
Dan remains completely unaware that the various Jordan love triangles are, on a scale of fiction that runs from Newsnight to Doctor Who, somewhere close to Torchwood.

9. Noel Fielding revealing he took drugs
To which the world went "what? the man with the crazy eyes, funny laugh and the cloak took drugs, like nearly everyone else in his generation? Really?"

8. The slightly less illiterate two of N-Dubz have had sex together
"Fans didn't want to believe it" claims Dan. Yeah, they're all in denial like it never happened.

7. Susan Boyle's suicide hell
Dan is proud of getting Susan Boyle to open up about how she nearly offed herself when she was a teenager. He dates this report as "October 2010". What else happened to Susan Boyle in October 2010? Oh, that's right, she released her autobiography which had the same story in it. So Dan's "scoop" was, erm, a plug for a book.

6. The Royal Wedding Party
"I was the only showbiz columnist to take you inside Kate and Will's post-wedding party. It was WILD!" shouts Dan.

Really? Let's see how wild:

One highlight of the night came when [the DJ] played The Beatles' classic All You Need Is Love. One guest explained: "The song begins with a royal trumpet fanfare so all the guests gathered round William and Kate. During the fade-out The Beatles sing the famous chorus of She Loves You.

"At this point the DJ faded out the music and the guests started chanting, 'She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah!' It was a very special moment. I had goosebumps."

Yes. That was wild.

5. Duncan James and Pink announce bisexuality
What Dan fails to mention is that Pink says that she never told any such thing to Dan and that the claim he printed was "made up".

4. Charlotte and Gavin split
This one makes me feel a bit sorry for Dan; the fourth-greatest thing he did at the News Of The World is a story that most people will struggle to remember ever having happened.

3. Dannii quits the X Factor
A SENSATION it was, when yet another judge on a rotating panel of judges quit. Or joined. Or quit and came back two weeks later. Still, it's not like Wootton basically relies on the X Factor circus to keep his page filled with large photos and words...

2. Cheryl moves back in with Ashley Cole
... Or maybe it is. Is this one even strictly true? Even Wootton's original story just said "spends the night in the same house as". Splendidly, Wootton is so used to misrepresenting people he can't even quote himself in a straight way.

1. Stephen Gateley dead
Fair enough, this is a proper scoop. Although it was just lucky for Dan that Gateley died on a Saturday, with enough time for a 2am change to the last edition of the News Of The World. In effect, then, Dan is most proud that the timing of young man's life being snuffed out happened to fit in with his paper's print schedule. Unless Wootton believes that the story would have remained unreported until the next edition, it's hard to see what he's proud of here.

Gennaro Castaldo Watch: My part in the News Of The World downfall

I had been going to post this on Thursday, but events moved on and I spent most of the evening staring slack-jawed at the television. Train2Game had done a ring-round of companies to ask about their advertising plans:

HMV’s head of PR Gennaro Castaldo added: “As it happens, HMV has not advertised in News of the World for some time and have no plans to do so.”

To be frank, that's probably more to do with HMV not having money to splash about on fancy advertising than any moral repugnance, but it's nice to know they were on the right side for once.

Woot-ton: Something someone said about Ronan

A couple of weeks back, the New York Times printed a letter of complaint from the News Of The World's managing editor Bill Akass. Responding to the Times' story about Andy Coulson and his team phonehacking their way through the great and the good, Akass snorted out this paragraph of disgust:

Sources: In the days prior to publication the Standards Editor Phil Corbett wrote to all staff reminding them of the NYT’s ethical guidelines with regards to anonymous sources. We were surprised therefore to see the finished article was based almost entirely on anonymous sources – a “dozen former reporters”- whose credibility, seniority, motives or qualifications we are therefore prevented from challenging. The article also cites anonymous “detectives” and “prosecutors”.

There was one single named source who claimed direct knowledge of wrongdoing, as opposed to hearsay or supposition. This is pretty thin evidence on which to hang a 6,000 word investigation. I believe that by failing to adhere to their own stringent rules when dealing with the News of the World story, the NYT’s reporters and editors demonstrated clear bias.

So, running stories with only one named source is bad. It's worse than bad, it's unethical.

Hmm. There's a bit in Dan Wootton's column about Natalie Imbruglia standing in for Keith Duffy on a Boyzone tour (a bit like using champagne instead of root beer in an ice cream float) and that is sourced. But then there's a totally separate story about Ronan Keating:

Ronan, who is already battling for his marriage to YVONNE, is also struggling to cope as the anniversary of Steo's death on October 10 looms.

A source said: "The memory of Stephen's death is flooding back to Ronan. They were very close, like brothers, and Ronan has been going through a rocky patch."

And on and on runs the quote. From an unnamed source. "[W]hose credibility, seniority, motives or qualifications we are therefore prevented from challenging."

The deep thoughts of JLS: Oritsé

Today's News Of The World has a "diary" where the JLS boys share their diary of their amazing climb from runners-up on a talent show to being That Band Who Were Runners-Up On A Talent Show:

"The shoot was great. I fell in love with my video girl.

"While we were trying to get into the moment on set, a kiss happened. Then again. She was amazing, but nothing materialised."

Pssst... Ortise, if you check your spam box on your email, you'll find some advice that might be able to help you with that.

Cliff Richard: My eyes, my eyes

You know there's something wrong when you read this:

And it's Congratulations to bachelor boy Sir Cliff on the near-six-pack

Yes, Cliff has stripped off for his 2011 calendar - only October, though, so you probably could go on holiday that month. Maybe it's a halloween costume?

What's strange, though, is the fawning write-up the News Of The World has given to the launch:

And if vintage Cliff continues to look this tasty in the next decade, then we've got something to say:

Son, you'll be a calendar boy and that's the way you'll stay-ay-ay-ay.

Surely it can't be plugging Cliff's calendar to keep in with the company which also produces the Hollyoaks and Cheryl Cole titles more in keeping with the Screws' usual content?

Olly Murs: There's two of them

There's rumours that the News Of The World will be slipping behind a paywall in the next couple of weeks, so perhaps they're splashing with a front page story about Olly Murs falling out with his brother because they're saving the good stories for when that happens.

Olly's brother, The Other Murs, is miffed because Olly has drfited apart from his family because he's been so busy with his career (that's what it says here, although it doesn't say what the career might be - maybe shifts at Halfords?).

It's one of those stories where the greatest pity is that someone thinks that the best way to heal bad feeling is by selling themselves to the newspapers, but it does contain this wonderful quote:

"I watch my brother - the same person I shared a womb with - on TV now and it's like I don't even know who he is."

Damn you, Olly - did all that time we spent wallowing in the same amniotic fluid mean nothing at all?

Who's making money out of Susan Boyle?

You'd expect the News Of The World's big splash that Susan Boyle is living on £300 a week would contain within it a buried denial from Simon Cowell's management team.

It doesn't, though:

The Boyle management sources last night confirmed Susan's allowance is just £300 a week but said she could have more at any time if she wanted.

The News Of The World does at least offer some perspective:

GLOBAL star Susan's weekly allowance is LESS than NHS hospital staff earn.

When you put it like that, it doesn't sound so bad. We should probably be more worried about the low earnings of NHS staff than Susan Boyle - were it not for the massive gap between what Boyle has earned for everyone else, and what she's been given.

But do remember: the music industry does everything it does for the sake of the artists.

Glastonbury 2010: News of the World re-runs last year's faux Glasto outrage

Oh, for crying out bloody loud, I thought we'd sorted this out last year? But, no, the NOTW is fuming again that it actually involves people to cover several stages for three different media live from Glastonbury:

THE bloated BBC is again sending an army of hundreds of staff to cover Glastonbury - defying orders to cut costs.

Orders from who? Where there orders to reduce the budget for Glastonbury coverage? Isn't it an assumption that just because the number of people involved is roughly the same, that the costs haven't been reduced - for example, they might be using fewer vehicles, or being told only to work a certain number of hours rather than go into overtime. Or freelance staff might be getting fewer hours.

Around 400 Beeb workers are off to the festival at taxpayers' expense, the same as last year.

Actually, many of the workers aren't "Beeb workers", they're freelancers, and - unless there's the odd reporter from the World Service, they're not working at taxpayer's expense, they're licence-fee funded. And, in fact, with BBC Worldwide selling coverage overseas, a potion of those numbers would be paid for by commercial activities.

And that's after lavish BBC spending on the event in 2009 - an estimated £2MILLION - drew stinging criticism.

Yes, it did, but only from idiots and vested interests desperate to try and portray the event as a beano.

But despite vowing to control costs in the wake of the recession, BBC chief Mark Thompson has astonishingly signed off a fresh Glasto spend-fest.

Simply because you're taking costs out of an organisation as a whole doesn't mean you cut back everything. Even George Osborne, the first Chancellor to be incapable of telling a SpeakAndSpell from a calculator, understands that you might decide one area of spending is worth maintaining at previous levels while making cuts elsewhere.

For example, simply not having to pay Jonathan Ross next year more than covers the entire costs of Glastonbury.

The news will be music to the ears of the legion of presenters, technicians, producers and - of course - executives who can pack their bags for Somerset.

"Great! We're going to have to work seventeen hour days up to our arses in mud! Hoorah!"

But critics accused the BBC of being "woefully out of touch" by spending lavishly when Britain is sunk in debt.

Really? There aren't a few people who might say 'given that times are quite tough, it's wonderful that we can all share in one of this nation's great cultural events simply by switching on the TV or radio - and at no extra cost to ourselves.' Or did you not ask?

Still, who's such a fool as to give the NOTW an on-the-record quote which, while pleasing to James Murdoch, will out them as being someone who doesn't really grasp the subjects they're talking about?

Tory MP Philip Davies said: "The BBC is the same over-bloated organisation it's always been. It's bizarre it is not chasing the same cutbacks as everyone else."

The poor people of Shipley. They must have felt that choosing a bloke who used to work for Asda as their MP would mean he'd at least have a grasp of how organisations work. But it appears not.

Look, Philip, let's take you back to when you were at Asda. You remember when there'd be the big signs up saying 'Cut prices'? That didn't mean that everything was reduced, did it? Some things were made to cost less, and other things would cost more. Because what it was all about was balancing prices across the whole.

It's the same with the BBC. Just because the cost of one piece of programming costs a little more (and, frankly, there's not a shred of proof that's the case here) doesn't mean the BBC isn't making savings elsewhere.

I wonder if Philip Davies sits at home fuming "the BBC says it's making cuts, and yet the weather forecast still covers exactly the same area as it did before? They really should only be forecasting for 75% of the country to save money.

Wait until he finds out that the BBC are spending money on the World Cup - when they didn't spend a penny on it last year.

Davies, of course, knows profligacy when it sees it. In the last Parliament, he claimed more in expenses than any of his fellow Bradford-based MPs. And, oddly, I can't find him being angry at the 2.33% pay rise MPs got last year - but perhaps there's no reason for MPs to make "the same cutbacks as everyone else" that I've missed.

The News Of The World then offers another odd comparison:

The four-day festival at the end of the month is one of the biggest events of the BBC year, with coverage across TV, radio, and a dedicated website. The Beeb sent nearly as many staff to last year's festival as to the Olympics - despite TV viewing figures averaging just 800,000.

Actually, the BBC only sent 74 people to cover the Olympics. Unless the NOTW is thinking of Beijing Olympics, where there were 473 members of staff there. I'm a little lost as to what point is being made here, unless the News Of The World actually thinks that covering Glastonbury and an Olympics are somehow identical in their scope? I can film my cats playing in the long grass on my own - surely we just need to send one bloke with a Flip, right? And maybe Zane Lowe?

Matthew Elliott, head of the Taxpayers' Alliance, said: "The BBC continues to spend as if there's no tomorrow. By all means cover the event, but the number of people sent is clearly excessive."

Really? It's clearly excessive, is it, Matthew? Care to explain how? Do you have evidence that supports this, or did you merely go 'ooh, that's a lot of people, it must be too many'?

Obviously, if you can point to teams of camera crew who turn up and then disappear for three days, without filming anything, that would be scandalous. Or if there are five producers overseeing every sequence shot, that might be worth raging about. It might be you feel that having red-button coverage of the stages is an extravagance then say so - although since it will be getting filmed anyway, the marginal cost of making this available to licence fee payers seems to be good, rather than bad, use of the money. But at least point to something you actually believe is excessive, rather than stand there blinking.

I suspect the News Of The World will run the story again next year, and probably even in 2012, whether Glasto happens or not. See you in twelve months, then.

Woot-ton: The Prince and the showman

Prince William turned up at the Radio One Roadshow last weekend, it turns out, and Dan Wootton was there to see it.

Well, not actually there, but someone told him all about it, anyway:

I'm told he couldn't wait to throw his hands in the heir when Dizz performed. Watching from the side of the stage, Wills was certainly a posh Boy In Da Corner. But the polo-playing Prince also proved he wasn't Snoot Dog as he rapped along to EVERY word of his hero's song.

The polo-playing Prince? Because, presumably, being a prince isn't enough to suggest an air of wealth and privilege. William might have been, you know, one of those urban princes, and then the supposed craziness of a rich person knowing a song by a black person wouldn't be thrown into anything like enough relief, would it?

Woot-ton: An exclusive Lee Ryan exclusive

However does Dan Wootton do it? He's only gone and managed to land an exclusive interview with Lee Ryan. I'll bet old Larry King is tearing strips off his researchers for having missed that one:

He's a top guy because, unlike many stars, he says exactly what he thinks - even if it means hitting out at a legend like GEORGE MICHAEL (most singers wouldn't dare). Lee said: "I actually had a song from George Michael called Medicine Man. He took it off me at the last minute. Thanks George, you wanker!"

It's not really being brave if you're not really capable of understanding the consequences of your actions, is it?

And, frankly, "George Michael thought that giving me one of his weaker songs would be a waste" isn't that great a claim, if you stop to think about it.

It's like a newsagents putting up a poster bragging "Cadburys wouldn't even let us sell their mis-shapes."

Still, there is some good news:

Lee also revealed the Blue reunion is on hold. "There were some issues with the label," he said.

Yes, there must have been. What with the world slapping a label on the plans that read "desperate, pointless and unwanted".

Woot-ton: Doesn't Amy go bi every three months or so?

Even the News Of The World's Dan Wootton can't really work up any surprise over Amy Winehouse muttering that she sometimes likes girls:

I think we all had our suspicions

Actually, Dan, I'm pretty sure I've read this story about sixteen times before anyway.

Still, Dan runs it like we're going to grab the arms of our chairs and shriek 'never! never!' but, really, it's a bit like holding space over to reveal that Brett Anderson needs a belt to keep his trousers up.

Mariah Carey: The true meaning of bravery

The News Of The World likes to talk a lot about our "brave boys", but how can we understand what the paper considers to be "brave"?

Helpfully, there's a story which helps us calibrate this morning:

Brave Mariah Carey is...

Yes?

... filmed without make-up

Never mind the movie she's made, surely someone should be pitching a film based on this selfless sacrifice?

Michael Jackson: It's not like it's his death mask

This morning's News Of The World claims that Jacko's former bodyguard is trying to sell Jackson's facemask for £100,000.

Apparently, this is "callous", whereas all the other bits of cashing-in on the corpse are merely exciting and laudable examples of capitalism in action.

It is pretty scandalous, though: a hundred grand? If the story had been about rip-off pricing, maybe there'd be a story there.

Naturally, this is a tale bylined Mazher Mahmood - popularly known as the "fake sheik", the man who bought you the story of the Victoria Beckham kidnap. And that supposed purchasing of a dirty bomb where the trial collapsed. Perhaps he's being a bit more careful now that his editor at the time of those stories, Andy Coulson, is off running David Cameron's press office. Perhaps.

Calling your name: Marilyn reappears

There's a snarky piece in the News of the World this week. The paper has caught up with Marilyn, seemingly just to point and laugh:

HE urged us to Feed The World - but 25 years after Band Aid, Eighties star Marilyn seems only to have fed his FACE.

For the slim, 10st gender bender who recorded Do They Know It's Christmas with Bob Geldof and a host of other pop idols has ballooned to over 17 STONE.

Gone are the blond locks and girly make-up along with the millionaire lifestyle. Bloated Marilyn, 46, is now just a shambling, jobless self-confessed drug addict who lives with his MUM in an ex-council semi.

I'm a little confused about why the detail of "ex-council semi" is thrown in there - doesn't the Murdoch press love the idea of people buying their council houses? Wasn't that aspirational?

Still, I'm sure James Murdoch will be delighted to read one of the papers he runs laughing at someone for having to rely on their parent's generosity.

Marilyn talks to the paper, but doesn't have much to offer. He's been on the drucks, but we all knew that when his career was crashing down in fame. Most of the people on Band Aid were a bit cynical - but that's hardly a surprise. Status Quo took drugs to the recording - but even Status Quo trot that anecdote out.

It's all a bit of a shame. But, on the plus side, it might be the first time anyone has written an article about Marilyn without suggesting he was little more than a Boy George side-project.

There is another plus - to pad the piece out, there's a 'where are they now, the other people who were on the Band Aid' piece which might be the only time the national press has worried about 'what is Mark Unpronounceablename from Big Country up to these days'?

It's a shame about how wrong it went for Marilyn, whose career never quite worked out. Mainly, because while Boy George was happy to keep his act edging close to the pantomimic, Marilyn never attempted to recast his sexuality as theatrics. The world wasn't really ready.

Woot-ton: JLS can't take the attention

The non-stories underlining how utterly fantastic JLS are seem to have started to dry up in the Sun, so they're now punting them to the next tier down. A breathless Dan Wootton pants off:

Band studs MARVIN HUMES and ASTON MERRYGOLD are being forced to flee their luxury pad in London after being hounded with saucy propositions from female fans.

My insider revealed: "Aston and Marvin love living together but they're considering moving for security reasons."

The odd woman is stood in the street saying "lick my privates", and that's a security issue? Really?

Perhaps they should stop using Lynx. I'm given to understand this is a side-effect of that.

Woot-ton: Westlife introduce the splitless comeback

Dan Wootton is bloody thrilled to have an exclusive chat with Westlife this morning:

WESTLIFE launch their mega comeback on X Factor tonight and a certain Mr COWELL will be watching very closely.

Determined to knock TAKE THAT from their best band perch, he's personally overseen every aspect of the Irish lads' relaunch, even what threads they wear.

Megacomeback? Have they actually been away? Don't you have to at least pretend to go away before you can have a comeback? They even did the last bloody series of The X Factor, didn't they?

There's something of an air of self-delusion hanging over the entire project:

Nicky said: "Simon's competitive about it. We're his Take That. We don't want to be second best."

Woah, Nicky. Before you start aiming for second best, why not have a crack at trying to be the 39,647,323rd best?

Because you're not Simon Cowell's Take That. You're Louis Walsh's other Boyzone.

"For years when they were off the scene we had it all to ourselves. So we had to come back with a strong song.

"We were the grand-dads of pop. Now they're back we're the babies again."

It doesn't really work like that, does it? The return of Take That doesn't suddenly rejuvenate you, it just throws into ever stronger relief the painful, pedestrian, lack of life that characterises your music, boys.