Morrissey, Cliff and Tom Bloody Jones: The Men Of A Certain Age tour

The news that Morrissey has announced dates with Tom Jones and Cliff Richard isn't really as surprising as people seem to think.

First, if we've learned anything from the last couple of years, it's that Morrissey's great strength is announcing gigs; he's less good at turning up to play them. On that basis, why not book extraordinary names? It's frankly more surprising that he's not publishing bills with Princess Grace, that main dude from The Lego Movie and Nostradamus.

Secondly, we all know how stung Morrissey is when people suggest he's a little bit racist. How better to prove your credentials as embracing everyone than by sharing the stage with Cliff Richard (born in India) and Tom Jones (who has orange skin)?

More generously, Mozzer has never hidden his affection for British culture of the early 60s and, if you put a piece of paper over both Jones' and Richard's cvs to cover off anything post-punk, you've got two titans. On that basis, the plan is no more unlikely than Morrissey's work with Sandie Shaw or his eulogy for Kenneth Williams.

Perhaps slightly less generously, if you then take the piece of paper off the cvs, you have careers which start out astonishingly edgy - Tom doing first-person songs about murder and incarcerated criminals; Cliff being inspected by authorities to see if that nasty Elvis had somehow infected England - which somehow mutated into a conservative, mundane slop of game shows, Christmas songs and shirtless calendars and tours to a fanbase slowly moving from 'pickled in aspic' to 'preserved with embalming fluid'. Morrissey might recognise something there.

More interesting is whats in it for the two older singers. Jones, clearly, is eyeing up the next series of The Voice, given that this year it's proving an opportunity for him to have a quiet nap in a comfy seat; a date with Morrissey will top-up his list of names to drop.

Cliff, for his part, cheerfully announced that he was doing it because it's a larger audience than he could usually manage in the US:

Richard also said the chances of him playing to 15,000 people in New York were “pretty well nil” without the support of Morrissey, but stated he was determined to make his one-hour set the best he possibly could: “I’m just going to make it really difficult for Morrissey to follow me.”

The dates take place in June, which means we're expecting Morrissey to contract lassa fever sometime around the end of May.

Videobit: Ken Russell

Ken Russell, the film director, who has died at the age of 84 had more than a few links with the music world.

Perhaps most famously, he filmed a pop video for his lawyer as payment for a court case won, but it went much deeper than that. His day job saw him turn Tommy into a film, the only movie ever to use Quintaphonic sound. He also had a chance to create an even bigger part of British pop cinema, when he was offered the chance of directing Summer Holiday.

Although that was not to be, he would work with Cliff later. He did the video for She's So Beautiful, which escaped from the soundtrack of Time: The Musical, and looked like this:

It's probably safe to say that wasn't his greatest work.

There had been talk of him producing a Hamlet with David Bowie and Elton John. In fact, there was a lot of talk of Russell and John doing something more substantial than John's appearance in Tommy, but all that came of it was a video for Nikita:

There's nothing that unlikely about a girl called Nikita, is there? Russell appears to have made a Cold War Boy Named Sue.

Perhaps the most frustrating lost music project, though, is the proposed video as part of a Sgt Pepper collection. Different directors would have a go at each song; Russell was supposed to do When I'm 64.

Still, there's always The Boyfriend to enjoy:

Cliff Richard: After The Joy Of Living has gone

There are obvious jokes clinging to the news that Cliff Richard has said that he'd consider euthanasia, mainly of the 'offering to help' variety, but it is actually quite brave of an older man with an evangelising Christian background to openly support the idea that life might become unbearable; and that such a life is not a life at all:

“It doesn’t haunt me but I have discussed it with my sister and I said, ‘If this happens to me, don’t let it go on too long - and make sure I am looked after, as I don’t want to be a burden on anybody else’,” he said.

“I may live to be 100. It may happen at 90. They may well allow euthanasia. The terrible thing is that dementia doesn’t take your life but it removes it away from you - you don’t have a life.”

There is something a bit odd about saying, in effect, 'I hope I live long enough that I'll be able to end my life early'.

Pity he didn't accept that there comes a point when copyrights have become so old they should be allowed to pass on without fuss, but I suppose there are some things that people will cling to whatever.

Cliff's law

Of course the copyright extension in recorded music has gone through. But there is one small thing we can do. We can still name it:

A spokesman at one body sounded pained when I referred to the "Cliff Richard law".

"Think of the hard-up session musicians not Cliff Richard," he told me, claiming that thousands of struggling artists would now be guaranteed a pension.

This is, naturally, bollocks, as most hard-up session musicians are hard-up because they have their rights bought out when they make the recording.

But the idea that calling the theft of half-century old records from the public domain "the Cliff Richard Law" upsets the copyright industry makes it imperative that we always, always call it the Cliff Richard Law.

Soul music excited to be working with Cliff Richard

All soul music ever has announced exciting plans to try and break the lucrative Cliff Richard market by recording an album of duets with Cliff.

The genre will promote the album with live dates in Las Vegas, the natural home of Cliff Richard.

Soul music said it couldn't wait to work with Cliff:

Soul music said: "No one would have expected me to sing a bunch of soul songs with Cliff Richard but I'm going to try and I'm going to do my soul, he's going to do their soul, and we should end up sounding soulicious."

Actually, Cliff really does use the phrase "sounding soulicious" in his statement about the album.

Cliff says this, too:

He admitted it was "difficult to be new when you've been singing for 52 years", but added: "If we can finish this, I will have died and gone to heaven."

Suddenly, I feel like this is a project which deserves our full encouragement.

[update: They've just spoken about this on Today - apparently the album came about (genuinely) after Gloria Hunniford met David Gest on Celebrity Cash In The Attic and said that Cliff might like to meet some of David's friends.

In other news: Homes Under The Hammer brokers new Pink Floyd album.]

Gordon in the morning: Haven't I read this some place before?

This morning, Gordon (or whoever is keeping his chair this morning) has a surprising story about Cliff being buff:

THERE aren't many blokes who could get away with stripping off for a calendar two months before their 70th birthday.

But SIR CLIFF RICHARD looks every bit as fit as he did in his Summer Holiday era.

Yes, it's pretty much the same story - and I'm using the word in no recognisable journalistic sense here - as the News Of The World had yesterday. Old man removes shirt, please buy calendar.

But, you know, the fact both Murdoch sheets have run the same story two days running must prove that it's an actual news story, right?

Cliff Richard: My eyes, my eyes

You know there's something wrong when you read this:

And it's Congratulations to bachelor boy Sir Cliff on the near-six-pack

Yes, Cliff has stripped off for his 2011 calendar - only October, though, so you probably could go on holiday that month. Maybe it's a halloween costume?

What's strange, though, is the fawning write-up the News Of The World has given to the launch:

And if vintage Cliff continues to look this tasty in the next decade, then we've got something to say:

Son, you'll be a calendar boy and that's the way you'll stay-ay-ay-ay.

Surely it can't be plugging Cliff's calendar to keep in with the company which also produces the Hollyoaks and Cheryl Cole titles more in keeping with the Screws' usual content?

Cliff Richard made a choice

You have to hope she didn't wait:

Sir Cliff Richard dumped his first serious girlfriend by letter, saying he had to put his pop career before any "lasting relationship".

With anyone else, you'd say the inclusion of the word 'lasting' there would have been a get-out clause to allow the odd one-night bunk-up. But this is Cliff Richard.

This is a letter Cliff wrote to his then girlfriend Delia Wicks, dumping her to spend more time with the Shadows:

"Being a pop singer I have to give up one priceless thing - the right to any lasting relationship with any special girl."

He also said it was "one of the biggest decisions" he would ever have to make.

The singer urged her to "find someone who is free to love you as you deserve to be loved" and who "is able to marry you".

He continues: "I couldn't give up my career, besides the fact that my mother and sisters, since my father's death, rely on me completely.

"I have showbiz in my blood now and I would be lost without it. "

There's a sneaking suspicion rising in my mind that Richard might have spent the last half-century sticking out records as an excuse for not being able to commit to a relationship.

But seriously, Cliff, are you saying Mistletoe And Wine was worth a life without kisses?

Bookmarks: Some stuff to read on the internet - Cliff Richard

And completing our fawning over the week's output from Kings Cross, Bob Stanley's plea to remember the force that Cliff Richard was, rather than the tiresome Tory arse he became:

The late 60s and early 70s produced a wealth of forgotten Cliff treats. After Throw Down a Line came The Joy of Living, a snipe at postwar town planning, of all things. Silvery Rain was about pesticides. Then in 1972 came a single called Jesus. Robin Turner of Heavenly Records remembers being a teenager, "head full of all the usual prejudices that 18-year-olds have" and hearing the song. "It absolutely floored me. The most amazing thing wasn't that I was having my mind blown by Cliff, it was that I was being mind-blown by a Christian rock record that sounded like a pill-ravaged Primal Scream circa Movin' on Up." To add to the fun, Jesus was written by somebody called Hamburger.

Basingstoke: Is nowhere safe?

It seems that running, straight-faced, stories about extremists lifted from the right-wing papers is a new habit of the NME. Hot on the heels from the non-existent Jewish hate list it saw in the Sun comes something it saw in the Mail about a radio station:

A local radio station's website was hacked into by 'extremists' because they played a song by Cliff Richard, the station's owner claims.

Radio Basingstoke was swapped for a message warning "the west" that they should not insult Islam.

Actually, the station's owner didn't really say that:

[Owner of the station Astrid] Haigh-Smith said: "I just thought maybe it was because we had commented that we hoped our troops would be safe over Christmas. We’ve also played the Cliff Richard version of 'Hallelujah', but we would never dream of running down any religions."

Astrid does offer Cliff Richard as a possible reason for the hacking, but clearly in a "I can't think of any reason we'd be targeted, apart from the odd Cliff Richard record we don't have any religious programming' fashion rather than 'Oh, God - Richard has brought the wrath of Allah down on our heads' way.

The more prosaic truth is that a small web-radio outfit like Radio Basingstoke - whose website has the cheery admission it's "designed by Low Cost Websites" - probably has less of a security infrastructure to head off hacker attacks than, say, Radio 2 might have while still sounding, to someone without an intimate knowledge of the UK media scene, to be a significant web presence to capture.

Cool on Jet: Cliff leaves Harris out the party

When Cliff was campaigning for the extension of mechanical copyright, it was, he stressed, not because of the extra thousands and thousands of pounds for himself. No, no, it was because nothing upset Cliff more than the thought of musicians not being rewarded and recognised for their work.

Apparently, he's over that now as original Shadow Jet Harris has been excluded from the reunited Cliff and The Shadows tour. Jet isn't entirely happy at being painted out of history like that, it's fair to say.

Sheffield Arena patronises older people

I can't be sure, but judging by Sheffield Arena's attitude to Cliff Richard fans, I'd imagine they did that over-emphasised, over-loud way of talking when they issued the ban on queuing for tickets: "It's not safe, dear... NOT SAFE to be out all night AT YOUR AGE..."

No other band - or rather, their demographic - has been told they can't queue. Sheffield Arena try to explain their reasoning:

Simon Bailey, the marketing manager at the Sheffield Arena, said staff had a “duty of care” which they would not be able to provide if customers were camping outside the arena for days at a time.

He added: “We are unable to staff the queue to ensure customer safety and the area isn’t suitable for people to be camping out exposed to the elements.

“We also often have events on in the arena that require a clear entrance and exit through the area where the queues form. We have no services available such as toilet and wash facilities.”

Hold on, Simon: this are only Cliff Richard tickets, it's not like they're going to be setting up a permanent Greenham style camp outside your unlovely venue. If you're that bloody concerned, why don't you just say you'll let anyone queuing use the toilets inside the arena? Presumably you have some inside - or are you expected to piss in a bottle and take it home with you when you see a band there? Could you not even come up with some sort of virtual queue? And how come you patronisingly think that Cliff fans need nannying just because they're not as young as you are? Do you think once you're past forty you lose the ability to decide if you're capable of making it through a night in a sleeping bag?

Most places would be thrilled that they had something on offer that people would spend the night queuing for - it'd be calls to the local media to come down and meet the superfans and rustling up some mulled wine for the dedicated.

If Cliff has any integrity, he'd be telling Sheffield that if they don't think they can take care of his biggest fans when they're taking money off him, he can't imagine they can take care of them on the night of the gig, and look for another venue.

Cliff fans target Oasis

Cliff Richard's fans are humping at Oasis, claiming they've stolen Sir Cliff's ideas.

"Its true" said a spokesperson. "Cliff was a grumpy old man complaining that there was not the proper respect for him ages ago - now Noel's come and done that. Swaggering about as if the charts owed you a position? Our man was doing that in the 1990s. And let's not forget that the tired reworking of Beatles songs - with ever diminishing returns - is little more than what Cliff did to Elvis four decades ago."

"That's right" agreed another spokesperson. "Cliff was letting Tony Blair take holidays on his private island ages before Noel was turning up at the Brits to endorse Blair."

"No... actually, Gallagher did that one first, I think" countered the first spokesperson. "But not as well. Gallagher only fawned; Cliff gave away a holiday."

"Oh. Yes. But making an embarrassing bid to try and prove your artistic virility by releasing a single and expecting it to go to number one, only for it to not make it... that was Cliff's idea."

"And relying on an aging fanbase who think that by buying the same act whose music they bought when they were young, they'll somehow fight against getting older... that wasn't an Oasis idea. That was pure Mr. Sir Cliff, that was."

There's some muttering that one of the new Oasis songs sounds like Devil Woman, also.

Albert Memorial Still There

Since when was Cliff Richard doesn't have a number one hit single news?

Cliff Richard and the joined-at-the-hip Priest

Cliff Richard has sort-of, kind-of come out, publishing an autobiography My Life, My Way in which he talks about his relationship with Father John McElynn. He doesn't say he's a boyfriend, but calls him a blessing and "my companion". It's all quite sweet - there's no suggestion that it's a sexual relationship in any way, but Cliff does make it clear he's not one of those Christians who somehow read the Bible as instructing hate:

'Same sex marriages are perhaps a modern example of how things have changed', Sir Cliff said.

'Gone are the days when we assumed loving relationships would be solely between men and women.

'It seems to me that commitment is the issue and if anyone comes to me and says: "This is my partner - we are committed to each other" then I don't care what their sexuality is.'

It's no big issue at all. Unless you're talking about Cliff's life, of course:

He writes: 'I am sick to death of the media's speculation about it [his sexuality]. What business is it of anyone else's what any of us are as individuals? I don't think my fans would care either way.'

Although, of course, if you don't want the media to start speculating about your private living arrangements, you might think twice before publishing an autobiography in which the big reveal is that you've got a companion who used to be a priest sharing your home. Just a thought, Cliff.

More delight from the spam inbox

That's one Damon's not won before you, Noel...

Lock, stock and barrel and Waterman

Given that Pete Waterman has done some incredible pop-related things, it's surprising that he still also feels the need to cast a Jimmy Saville style net of invention over things he was only tangentially involved with. For example, in today's Guardian, he claims ownership of black and white checks, pork pie hats, and amusing hitch-hiking cameos in videos:

[E]verybody forgets I have done some quite ground-breaking music. I managed the Specials, started that whole 2 Tone movement, but I don't worry about it.

And, it's true - up to a point - he did manage the Specials for a while. But did he "start" the whole movement? The exhaustive 2-Tone.info website describes his involvement with the Specials as "mercifully brief" and quotes him as saying:

Terry Hall taught me an important lesson as a record producer; Terry can't sing. But what he does have is an unusual voice and the public love an unusual voice.

In other words, The Specials' debt to Waterman is perhaps less than Waterman's to the Specials.

Apparently, Cliff has problems with Waterman being on his CV:

Cliff Richard once told me that he has defended working with me more than he's defended his belief in God.

That could be, though, because although Christianity has caused war, carnage, suffering and pain; division, distrust and disgust; and demanded faith at the point of a sword and upon pain of an eternal damnation, Christianity has never, yet, been responsible for the career of Sonia.

[Thanks to James M for the link]

Cliff aims for number one... again

Cliff Richard is battling against time to get a number one - he's hit the number one spot in every decade since the 1840s [check this] but hasn't managed anything since the Millennium. So, he's trying to persuade his legion of fans to get behind his new single, Thank You For A Lifetime:

"I may be greedy, but to notch up a number one after 50 years would be just fantastic. I've got the song, I can only hope for the support."

At Cliff's age, hoping for support is a common feeling.

It doesn't seem to have occurred to Cliff that the reason why he had hits in the previous decades was because he had some decent songs - except for the 1999 Millennium Prayer, which we suspect might have only sold because some Christian groups thought it would somehow upset Radio One. That Cliff is trying this time with a song about himself, rather than Jesus, might prove to be his undoing.

Sixteen months, Cliff: the clock is ticking. See if you can't rustle up a new Wired For Sound.

The downside, of course, is that if he does manage it this decade, we're going to have to go through this all over again at some point before 2019.

Musician's retirement home faces closure

The Musician's Benevolent Fund has announced plans to close Ivor Newton House, the only residential care home for musicians in the UK. It means that residents, some nearing 100, are going to be forced to move out of their current home.

The Musicians Union is organising a petition calling on the MBF to overturn the plans to shutter the building; the MBF claim it isn't "viable" to not turf out octogenarians and nonagenarians and sell the lucrative property in Bromley.

But here's a thought: if the MBF can't see a way of making it viable, why don't all those richer, older celebrities like Cliff Richard dig into their pockets and keep the place afloat? After all, Cliff and his chums are always stressing that they've been seeking to get mechanical copyright extended not to line their own pockets, but to help out less-well-off musicians. Why, here's a chance for them to demonstrate that in action. They could even pledge to sign over any earnings from copyright being extended past fifty years straight to the MBF, on the proviso that services like Ivor Norman House remain being offered. Wouldn't that make everyone happy?

EU hand rich rockers extra pension

The long campaign to extend copyright in recordings looks to have scored a major victory: The European Commission has recommended extending the copyright to 95 years.

Well, Cliff will be happy, anyway.

The proposals were unveiled by European Commission Single Market Commissioner Charlie McCreevy.

"A 95-year term would bridge the income gap that performers face when they turn 70, just as their early performances recorded in their 20s would lose protection," his scheme said.

Oh, really?

Feargal Sharkey echoes the sentiment:

"I am especially pleased that the announcement focuses on the 'invisible' members of our industry - the musicians, engineers and session players whose names are hidden away in the liner notes and credits.

"It is they, and not just 'featured' artists and record labels, who could derive real benefits from this move - and at a time in life when their earning power would be severely diminished."

As we've said before, if Cliff and U2 and Fergal were really worried about pensionable musicians who can't make ends meet, they could have come up with a proposal that would actually help them, rather than offer a vague chance of a small payment while making those featured artists (and record companies) much, much wealthier. After all, the reason why the less well-known participants on records are struggling in later life is because they tend not to own the rights in recordings of their own work.

There is no intellectual defence of a ninety-five year copyright period on anything. Time for a 'fifty is enough' campaign?