Las Vegas trusts Britney with a key

I suppose the strangest thing about Britney Spears being given the key to the city of Las Vegas is that Las Vegas has keys at all. I've always pictured it as more of a place that has those plastic strips hanging in the doorway, like bookmakers used to have.

Britney Spears: Resident evils

Britney Spears is putting down roots in Las Vegas. Kind-of:

The singer finally ended weeks of buzz and made it official Tuesday morning, with an appearance on Good Morning America. On Dec. 27, the now 31-year-old former teen star will begin a two-year residency at Planet Hollywood, performing 50 shows over that period.

She's going to a burger bar one a fortnight. Is that a residency? On that basis, I'm currently about four years into a residency at Pizza Express.

Seriously: if it's popping in from time to time, it's not a residency, is it? Seriously, she could fit in half-a-dozen of her trademark Vegas marriages between shows. Not just the weddings; the whole marriage.

She said that her upcoming show would mix old and new hits, with an atmosphere that's part dance club, part theater.

Or "doing a cabaret", as it's known.

"We wanted the environment to be that way so people could come and have a good time and stand up and feel like they're in the show with me," Spears said. "I love Vegas. The energy here is really, really good."

"We didn't want them to have chairs. Or anything else they could throw. I love Madison Square Garden - change if they turn us down - because some vaguely-defined variable is quantifiable in some equally vague way" read Britney from a card, yesterday.

Gordon in the morning: Wanted on voyage

There's no explanation in Gordon Smart's story about why Mike Tyson is supposedly going to take The Wanted on a tour round Las Vegas. Beyond this:

After hearing that the band were stopping off at Sin City during their trip to the States, the ex-heavyweight boxing champion got in touch with their management and asked if he could be the one to show them around.

That clearly isn't true, is it? I struggle to believe that Tyson flicks through We [heart] Pop to find out which third-string boybands are going to be in town in order to drive them to Denny's.

What is surprising, though, is that The Wanted's puppetmasters think that having their band link up with the violent, convicted rapist works for their brand in the first place.

Tom said: "I can't believe Mike Tyson wants to take us out in Las Vegas. All I keep thinking about is his part in The Hangover — it'll be The Hangover Part 3 with The Wanted boys.

"He wants to show us all the bars, clubs and hotels, it will be sick."

Well, incredibly inappropriate, at the very least. Do the kids still say that?

Vacation, Vacation, Amplification: Stay NoFX

Heading to Vegas? Want to stay a while? Worried that your planned trip isn't hardcore?

Why not stay at the Punk House, Fat Mike from NoFX's vacation home for hire?

If holiday cottages don't actually sound punk to you, it is self-catering so there's a DIY vibe to the whole place.

No, no, it really is punk. Look at the accommodation:

Master suite with a full bath
Couples bedroom
Third bedroom with 6 punk beds

It's got punk beds! Which might just be a bunk bed with the first letter turned upside down, but that's punk, right?

What better than hiring this place, and letting rip...

It is not a place to throw a big party or play really loud music. Bands will not be playing there.

Hey! What sort of place is this punk house anyway? Where abouts is it?

Location: Cul-de-sac

A cul-de-sac? What kind of punks live in a cul-de-sac?

Bookmarks - Internet stuff: Paul Carr

As Paul Carr spends too long living on the Vegas Strip, inevitably he winds up at a wedding chapel, talking with an Elvis impersonator:

There are almost no restrictions on who is eligible for a license, except that the applicants can't be too intoxicated, and, to answer the question posed by Brian's creepy mother-fucker, they can't be "nearer of kin than second cousins or cousins of half blood". The whole process takes about twenty minutes, and is available daily from 8am until midnight. "People think you can get married in the middle of the night," says Brian, "but the marriage bureau is no longer open 24 hours..."

He rolls his eyes.

"Thank you Britney Spears".

Soul music excited to be working with Cliff Richard

All soul music ever has announced exciting plans to try and break the lucrative Cliff Richard market by recording an album of duets with Cliff.

The genre will promote the album with live dates in Las Vegas, the natural home of Cliff Richard.

Soul music said it couldn't wait to work with Cliff:

Soul music said: "No one would have expected me to sing a bunch of soul songs with Cliff Richard but I'm going to try and I'm going to do my soul, he's going to do their soul, and we should end up sounding soulicious."

Actually, Cliff really does use the phrase "sounding soulicious" in his statement about the album.

Cliff says this, too:

He admitted it was "difficult to be new when you've been singing for 52 years", but added: "If we can finish this, I will have died and gone to heaven."

Suddenly, I feel like this is a project which deserves our full encouragement.

[update: They've just spoken about this on Today - apparently the album came about (genuinely) after Gloria Hunniford met David Gest on Celebrity Cash In The Attic and said that Cliff might like to meet some of David's friends.

In other news: Homes Under The Hammer brokers new Pink Floyd album.]

Crying all the way to the cold storage room

Will the horror of this economic crisis never end? Latest victim of the crunching and austerity is The Liberace Museum in Las Vegas is shutting its doors.

It used to attract half a million visitors a year, but not so many come any more.

Actually, it's not entirely the credit crunch, and more that Liberace was of his time, and fewer people are interested:

“We really started pushing the idea of bling, and Liberace was the first person who was really doing bling,” said Jeffrey P. Koep, the chairman of the Liberace Foundation and dean of the College of Fine Arts at the University of Nevada at Las Vegas. “He had the big rings. He had the look that you see the kids doing now that’s very popular.”

That's the sort of idea a grandmother would come up with - "you wear big rings, don't you, dear? Look, this man had big rings, too" - so it's not surprising it flopped.

Perhaps they should have tried going with being insanely closeted, or launching lawsuits when people simply tell the truth about you. That's quite popular these days, too. Maybe that would bring an audience.

The tumbling numbers, combined with terrible investment decisions, have brought the attraction to the last rhinestone:

Billy Vassiliadis, the head of the advertising agency that represents the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Authority, said the loss of the museum “was a shame, especially for us older folks.” But, he said, Las Vegas, like Liberace, has always been about reinventing itself.

“We have to keep refreshing Las Vegas,” he said. “Thousands of people turn 21 every day. Who knows, maybe we’ll have a Lady Gaga museum in 10 years.”

The sad thing is, he's probably not wide of the mark with that one.

Cassandra ends up having the last laugh.

Madonna offered ridiculous money to fast-forward career to obvious conclusion

Clearly, claims that Madonna has been offered a billion dollars to do a five year Las Vegas residency are based on deciding the deal must be worth a lot, and then rounding up like a sheepdog on cocaine. But there does appear to be an offer on the table.

If it helps, we're happy to chip in a tenner to make sure she goes and spends the next five years in the Nevada desert. We'll go to fifteen if she promises to not do a DVD of it.

Morrissey continues to be unwell

He's starting to make the Queen Mother during the last years of her life look like Paula Radcliffe: Morrissey has 'blown out his voice' and cancelled two dates on his US tour.

There is, of course, a conspiratorial undertow, after he quit the stage in Vegas after less than an hour:

[R]umours are circulating that Morrissey had been offended by drunken audience members who had been fighting amongst themselves and vomiting in the venue.

Really? Only he's playing Vegas. It's not like the audience is going to comprise too many of the bespectacled fans who still peddle themselves round Salford in search of the Lads' Club. In Vegas, throwing up in the audience is considered polite, a sign that you really enjoyed all the free food you crammed down before losing all your money and being forced instead to go and watch some English dude wailing about unfunny jokes or somesuch.

The X Factor reaches 'mine, all mine' stage

We might not have to deploy R Kelly, it turns out. The X Factor - through the link-up with Philip Green - seems to be busily sowing the seeds of its final, helicopters on the roof stage.

Taking the thing to Vegas kind-of makes sense - a gaudy tribute to losers who think they're winning, only to discover they're going home hungry. But given the majority of visitors to Vegas are American, why would you build it under the British brand of X Factor rather than, say, American Idol?

And where will the constant stream of contestants wanting to be humiliated come from (humiliated, I'm guessing, by robot versions of Cowell and the others, like those automaton versions of Norm and Cliff in the old Cheers airport bars)? Surely part of the X Factor attraction is that some of the contestants are chosen because they can sing tolerably well - if Factor in Vegas is going to keep going round the calendar, won't it be relying on 'people who have lost all their money' as its contestant pool?

If finding enough people to be on stage is going to be a trial, you've got to wonder where they think the audience is going to come from:

"The home of the X Factor – live from Las Vegas!" enthuses Green. "We'll have a store. And it'll all be online. You have 20, 30, 40 million people tuning in twice a week. You bring two or three hundred million viewers to a venue – off we go! It's taking it up a peg. The rest of the world is Part Two."

300 million people streaming X Factor online twice a week. It's a bit more than taking it up a peg, isn't it? This is lifting it up like a field full of rotary driers.

You've got to admire Green's personal auction there - "we'll have a shop - no, and a webcam, watched by ten, no, twenty, no, a billion people. And NOBODY WILL EVER DIE." The most realistic outcome he should really expect, though, is a few hundred thousand for the first couple of cycles before interest gradually flows away.

And there's a comforting thought: the X Factor slowly melting in the Nevada desert, surrounded by people who have just emptied their 401ks on the craps table.

Limp Bizkit cancel gig, claim they didn't cancel a gig

What is it about Fred Durst? He can't do anything without making a (very poor, canceled-before-midseasons-sweeps) drama out of it.

The axing of a Limp Bizkit gig in Vegas, for example, generates a massive press release with Fred denying it was anything to do with him, in detail:

"LIMP BIZKIT did NOT, in any way, cancel the UFC 100 concert in Las Vegas. Truth is UFC and Interscope Records [LIMP BIZKIT's record label] could not come to an agreement on certain DVD rights. With all respect to Mandalay Bay, the UFC were also unhappy with LIMP BIZKIT's decision of wanting to switch the performance from the Beach at Mandalay Bay with its inappropriate layout for a heavy rock concert with LIMP BIZKIT, basically a stage in front of a pool, to a more standard concert venue also located at the Mandalay Bay, which was the House Of Blues. The UFC expressed they wanted a 'party vibe' for this event and would not settle for any venue besides the Beach for this and other reasons.

"First, LIMP BIZKIT would like to confirm we are HUGE UFC fans and will always be, but feel it is unfair for UFC to falsely confirm and advertise that LIMP BIZKIT will be performing to only change their minds after many people have rearranged their lives and bought tickets to be in Vegas for this special concert.

"On that note, we are proud to announce that we will still be performing on the same night out of respect for our fans. The details of when and where will follow shortly.

"Again, all respect to UFC for inviting us in the first place. We will continue to support the UFC because it is our favorite MMA event."

So in other words, something about who got to leech cash for a wobbly DVD of old men pretending to be teenagers, then, Fred?

Cabaretobit: Danny Gans

Las Vegas strip stalwart Danny Gans has died, reports the Associated Press.

Gans was the American equivalent of Joe Longthorne, building an act and career out of mimicking other singers. He arrived in Vegas, from Broadway, in 1996, and stayed there ever since. He won the accolade of having a theatre named after him, although earlier this year he moved to another venue. He'd been voted Las Vegas Entertainer Of The Year 11 times.

He recorded an album of Christian music, which was uncomfortably marketed to the pop and Christian audiences, making it hard to it to find traction with either.

Gans died in his sleep overnight; he was 52 and is survived by a wife and three children.

Hello: Where seldom is heard a discouraging word

You can always rely on Hello to put on a brave face. Presumably delighted that Peaches and whatwashisname didn't flog the shaky pictures of their wedding to Okay, Hello! is delighted to report the news:

Peaches ties the knot in Vegas after whirlwind romance with US rocker

"Whirlwind romance" being Helloese for "two bottles of peach schnapps and a game of truth or dare", of course.

Their nuptials took place at the Little White Wedding Chapel, a popular site for celebrity marriages. Bruce Willis and Demi Moore exchanged their vows there, while Britney Spears and Joan Collins also chose the world-famous venue for their wedding.

Hello don't, of course, bother to mention that Britney "chose" the venue in the sense of "it was the only place open at the time, being as she was off her cakes", nor that the wedding itself was annulled in less time than Peaches' engagement.

Gordon in the morning: Peaches gets her man, or a man

Peaches Geldof's quick ceremony in Las Vegas - she popped into a wedding chapel and came out, officially and legally, as a pisspoor parody of Britney Spears - gets a full three-byline coverage from The Sun, leaving Gordon with nothing to do but supply an opinion piece.

But, really, what is there to say?

GETTING married at the ripe old age of 19 strikes me as yet another cry for attention from Peaches.

Does it? And yet, if so, why are you giving her the attention?

More interestingly is the way that Smart thinks it's the age rather than the nature of the marriage which is the demand to be looked at. Quite a few people get married at 19 and have long and successful marriages, surely, Gordon?

Nor would I like to be in her new hubby’s shoes, not least because he is now married to an immature teenager.

Not least. Mind you, it's probably no less terrible than being in Chester French.

Still, we've seen Little House On The Prairie, and we know how this one goes - the dad makes the judge un-marry them at gun point, doesn't he?

Meanwhile, Gordon claims that Madonna is about to lets call it "adopt" another Malawian, who nobody at all is pretending to be an orphan this time round, at least. Smart, though, runs a photo of the child - Mercy. Perhaps he believes that the PCC rules on invading the privacy of children don't apply if they're not British.

Do you beeee-leeeeeeeeeave in work after retirement?

We can't pretend that anyone on the planet really believed that Cher's big retirement tour from three years ago was really going to see her put her feet up and spend the rest of her days watching Countdown; even if that was her plan, it seems the appearance of Richard Digance in dictionary corner has been enough to persuade her to comeback, with a residency in Las Vegas.

She looks exactly the same as she did on the day she retired - or at least will do once the last couple of bolts have been tightened.

Dion wraps Vegas gig

Celine Dion's Las Vegas residency has reached an end after five years. Dion has now played her last gig at Caeser's Palace, and only slightly over-exaggerated the importance of what was, to be honest, just another gambler's sop alongside the free lobster and comped rooms:

During the farewell show, she disclosed that poor reviews and a pregnancy early on nearly sank the project. But she said it's been worth it.

Adoring fans cheered, stood and clapped throughout the show, as Dion interspersed her usual numbers with emotion-filled monologues.

She said of the early going, "At one point, it was like feeling like the Titanic was about to sink again."

Ah yes, because the collapse of a cabaret show would be on the par with the drowning of one and half thousand people in ice-cold waters.

Gordon in the morning

Well, now we know why Gordon wasn't at Led Zep: it sounds like he's plodding about behind the Spice Girls, spending RupertJames' money on an American jolly. It's fair to say he's a little starstruck, as - like politicians - the Spices can't help sucking up to The Sun:

During a gap between songs, EMMA BUNTON said to her bandmates: “Have you seen that guy in row B?” (where I was sitting).

GERI HALLIWELL replied: “What, the Scottish guy with the nice eyes?” (Aaah, bless. It’s all pretty good so far).

Then MEL B: “The bloke who edits the Bizarre column of The Sun?” (Ooops, I’m not known as their No1 fan).

POSH added: “That’s him” and SCARY, obviously, had to have the final word. She said brazenly, as I cringed, wondering exactly what was coming: “He’s got a massive, huge, gigantic . . . personality!”

Most of the Vegas crowd didn’t notice my massive, huge, gigantic grin as I savoured the message.

Your massive, huge, gigantic grin? Good lord, man. If you feel this is something to brag about, at least try and write it up in a way that doesn't make it sound like 'what I did done do on my holidays'. (We do love, though, that "most" - as if there were a knowing few cognoscenti would have been nudging each other saying 'that's that Smart, that is...' - whereas, of course, the audience would actually have been wondering why the Spice Girls were making so much fuss over a supermarket tabloid.)

Funny, though, that Gordon managed to miss the story that was in all the other papers - how few people turned up for the gig. No wonder they were able to single Gordon out for special treatment. He probably was all of Row B.

Still, if he's pulling together his column in a hotel room in Nevada, it explains how an actual story might have accidentally sneaked into his page: Noel Gallagher apparently being too drunk to remember what he said to Jimmy Page after the Led Zep gig. But elsewhere, it's business as usual: that naked Paris Hilton champagne advert being treated like it's worth an article, and a clunking piece of text to go with a photo of Kylie Minogue:

KYLIE MINOGUE is getting into this biker-influenced look.

We don't know what the bikers wear round Smart's way, but we've never seen anyone on a Harley in a couture mini-dress and fishnets.

I wonder who had the top job of zipping her up before the Nobel Peace Prize Concert in Oslo on Tuesday?

She must break more than just 2 Hearts a week.

Eh? Because she has a tight dress, she ends relationships with at least three people every seven days? Oh... is it just a crowbarred in pun based on a songtitle?

Spice Girls: the audience simply doesn't show up

Over in Las Vegas, trouble hits the Spice Girls reunion. The Mandalay Pavilion probably wasn't, as the Mail has it, half-empty; but it does seem to have been only three-quarters full.

Mind you, the audience had that boxer bloke who everyone liked last week when they thought he was going to be better at punching people, and Colleen McLoughlin in the audience, so perhaps they don't quite count.

Las Vegas has its standards, discover Beyonce

You might think that Las Vegas is the city where anything. But it turns out that, not unlike a desert-located Tunbridge Wells, its good citizens can get upset if someone gets in the way of them going about their lawful, casino-related business.

Local radio station KWNZ has put up a billboard featuring a picture of Beyonce in a bikini. People living the station are outraged that such a wanton image should be thrust in the faces of people on their blamesless way to a 24-hour come-dressed-as-Elvis wedding chapel:

Resident Pamela Keeney has said: "It's obscene. I have my two little grandkids coming over here, and they don't need to be seeing that. You can change the channel on the TV but you can't change that."

The radio station points out that it wouldn't be entirely realistic to depict Beyonce in a jogging suit; the locals are getting up a petition. After all, it's not like they want people to start calling Las Vegas Sin City or anything, is it?

War is over (again)

Peace just can't stop itself breaking out, can it?

Today's Daily Mirror reports an end to the bad feeling:

YOKO Ono has ended her long-running feud with Sir Paul McCartney - by calling the former Beatle a "magnificent man".

The pair fought a bitter battle over the Fab Four legacy for more than three decades with Yoko suggesting Macca's talents were inferior to her husband John Lennon.

But at the first anniversary of the Beatles-inspired show Love, Yoko, 74, said: "John would have been very happy this is such a success... and that another magnificent man introduced him."

How lovely. The trouble is, the Daily Mail reported the end of the feud on the same location last year:

After the first night of a Beatles-inspired stage show called Love in Las Vegas, Sir Paul took the stage and kissed Yoko on the cheek.

It was a very public reconciliation for the two who have fought a bitter battle over the Beatles' legacy for more than three decades.

If they keep ending their feud on an annual basis, it might start to look like it's more a promotional push for the Beatles-themed circus acrobat show.