Thursday, December 13, 2007

Gordon in the morning

Well, now we know why Gordon wasn't at Led Zep: it sounds like he's plodding about behind the Spice Girls, spending RupertJames' money on an American jolly. It's fair to say he's a little starstruck, as - like politicians - the Spices can't help sucking up to The Sun:

During a gap between songs, EMMA BUNTON said to her bandmates: “Have you seen that guy in row B?” (where I was sitting).

GERI HALLIWELL replied: “What, the Scottish guy with the nice eyes?” (Aaah, bless. It’s all pretty good so far).

Then MEL B: “The bloke who edits the Bizarre column of The Sun?” (Ooops, I’m not known as their No1 fan).

POSH added: “That’s him” and SCARY, obviously, had to have the final word. She said brazenly, as I cringed, wondering exactly what was coming: “He’s got a massive, huge, gigantic . . . personality!”

Most of the Vegas crowd didn’t notice my massive, huge, gigantic grin as I savoured the message.

Your massive, huge, gigantic grin? Good lord, man. If you feel this is something to brag about, at least try and write it up in a way that doesn't make it sound like 'what I did done do on my holidays'. (We do love, though, that "most" - as if there were a knowing few cognoscenti would have been nudging each other saying 'that's that Smart, that is...' - whereas, of course, the audience would actually have been wondering why the Spice Girls were making so much fuss over a supermarket tabloid.)

Funny, though, that Gordon managed to miss the story that was in all the other papers - how few people turned up for the gig. No wonder they were able to single Gordon out for special treatment. He probably was all of Row B.

Still, if he's pulling together his column in a hotel room in Nevada, it explains how an actual story might have accidentally sneaked into his page: Noel Gallagher apparently being too drunk to remember what he said to Jimmy Page after the Led Zep gig. But elsewhere, it's business as usual: that naked Paris Hilton champagne advert being treated like it's worth an article, and a clunking piece of text to go with a photo of Kylie Minogue:
KYLIE MINOGUE is getting into this biker-influenced look.

We don't know what the bikers wear round Smart's way, but we've never seen anyone on a Harley in a couture mini-dress and fishnets.
I wonder who had the top job of zipping her up before the Nobel Peace Prize Concert in Oslo on Tuesday?

She must break more than just 2 Hearts a week.

Eh? Because she has a tight dress, she ends relationships with at least three people every seven days? Oh... is it just a crowbarred in pun based on a songtitle?


Chris said...

Well I would imagine "massive huge gigantic grin" would be a call back to when Mel B was going to compliment him on his "massive huge enormous penis" but then apparently changed her mind at the last minute. Happily Gordon took it as a compliment anyway.

It's a tired conceit for sure, but it's not especially poor writing. Unlike, say, acting all surprised at The Spice Girls knowing your name, but not that they know that you're Scottish. Apparently just by looking at you.

Also "brazen?". He really is writing from the Salem witch-trials isn't he?

Anonymous said...

I've ridden bikes for years and have rarely gone for the skirt and halter top look. I've worn stockings quite often though- pure silk stockings fit nicely under leathers and are very warm. Honest, mum.

Anonymous said...

The Noel Gallagher article is clearly bullshit. Photos of him talking to Jimmy Page show him looking perfectly sober.

The Sun did the same thing when reporting the 'theft' of Naomi Campbell's backstage pass at the same gig. Yhey made a big thing about her screaming in shock as a fan violently ripped it from her neck as security grappled with him - but they printed a number of pictures which showed her standing there laughing as she helped the fan lift the pass off.

It seems that under the tenure of this Gordon Smart, Victoria Newton's vacant and lazy style of 'journalism' has gone out of the window, and completely manufactured stories are now the norm.

Once he remembers not to publish photos that contradict the article, Smart will be king of the game.

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