Geri Halliwell is up on the latest trends

I just bought some vinyl - it's coming back

— Geri Halliwell (@GeriHalliwell) December 24, 2014

Good news, then, Geri: you can buy back the purple vinyl dress you wore on Noel's House Party in 1997.

Dreadful Spice Girls musical killed off by people telling others it was dreadful - official

Jennifer Saunders, who helped to create Viva For Seven Months Before The Empty Theatres Forced Closure, the Spice Girls jukebox musical, feels it was culled because of the press:

She tells the Bbc, "I felt there was a certain group of journalists who... were told by their editors to be nasty about it."

Saunders also thinks the world economic crisis was the blame for the show's failure, adding, "It came right at the recession time and I just thought it was unlucky in a way."

Unlucky. Journalists. World recession.

All those things.

Also, being a dreadful idea poorly executed doesn't help.

Gordon in the morning: Topical Olympic observation

To be fair to Tom Meighan, the Spice Girls part of the Olympics closing ceremony was pretty grim, but that was a while ago now:

“We were on tour during the Olympics but I saw some bits on telly. There were some horrifying bits, like The Spice Girls. That really didn’t do the place justice.

“That was the most horrifying bit. It was just horrible.

I think this makes Tom the first person to suggest that the Opening and Closing Ceremonies were somehow one horror after another.

But why is he talking about last summer right now? Oh, Kasabian have a booking:

“We’ll be the first band to play the park, so it’s great.”

There's your Olympic legacy for you. Right there.

Gordon in the morning: Spice Girls split (again) (if they're actually getting back together)

This morning, Gordon Smart reports that Victoria Beckham has left The Spice Girls.

What? You didn't realise the band was a going concern at the moment?

No, no, you misunderstand. She's quit the band next year.

What? You didn't realise the Spice Girls were playing dates next year?

Gordon explains:

An Aussie radio host claimed the band plan to tour Down Under in 2014 – and went on to say that a “very reliable source” had promised Victoria would be very much part of the gigs.

But a spokesman for the fashion designer yesterday denied Posh would be involved in a possible tour.

So that's someone denying the possibility that Beckham would be part of a tour that we only have an "Australian radio host's" word is happening.

(Not even a name for the radio presenter, Gord? Was he talking off-the-record on-the-air?)

Viva not forever?

The Daily Star is predicting the closure of Viva Forever, the Spice Girls musical:

SPICE Girls show Viva Forever! may be axed if ticket sales don’t pick up.

Are ticket sales that bad, then?

Performances are reportedly often three-quarters full for the show based on songs by Posh Spice Victoria Beckham’s pals.

Even before you get to that tortuous "Posh Spice Victoria Beckham's pals" that sentence is twisting like a mountain snake after a groundhog. "Often three quarters full" sounds bad, but really feels like an attempt to throw the worst possible light on the size of the houses.

"Often", so not always, or regularly, but just sometimes; and the rest of the time, presumably, the theatre must be more than three-quarters full or else it would have been those figures which would have formed the heart of the claim.

So, that's 'West End Show doesn't always fill auditorium in January', then. Well done, Daily Star.

The closing ceremony: London Pride has been force-fed down to us

I keep thinking 'bits of that weren't so bad, were they?'. And then I remember Russell Brand bellowing The Beatles through a megaphone.

The most successful bit was the Slim-J-Tempah sequence, which bubbled with energy, and was stuffed with shots of athletes bouncing about and singing along. Maybe it was a bit T4 On The Beach, but better that than the large swathes of a 1984 Radio One Roadshow beamed from a sleet-skittered Grimsby that made much of the rest of the event. It felt like the party the thing was supposed to be.

But what of the rest? Muse finally disappearing behind the self-pardoy horizon was only to be expected; the Kaiser Chiefs turning up in 2012 was a bit of a surprise. If the deal was George Michael had to do the new single to be persuaded to turn up, he should have been asked to stay at home.

Emeli Sande has been rather over-promoted: she can carry a tune, but not an entire ceremony. That Kate Bush was only on tape was a bit of a disappointment.

And The Spice Girls getting together for what felt like the first time in a couple of weeks wasn't the treat it was meant to be - the slow trundling of taxis for their entry seemed to last longer than the two half-songs they trotted out.

The London theme was quite weak - a couple of cars made out of newspaper, a Michael Caine voiceover and a bit of Only Fools And Horses. Why that one TV series? Why not, say, Barbara Windsor ringing a bell crying 'that's yer lot, ain't you got 'omes to go to?'; or Cumberbutch-as-Sherlock; or Grace Brothers; or Howman and Davidson finally doing a Babes In The Wood/Up The Elephant And Round The Castle crossover. Maybe not the last one.

Hang about, I've just remembered Churchill popping out of the Big Ben bell tower like a grumpy jack-in-the-box. Oh, god.

On Twitter, there were some voices going 'why are people being cynical? Can't we be like we've been for the last fortnight?'

But that's the point. If there's a point to the Olympics, it's about celebrating the extraordinary and superlative. If you applaud Mo Farah's triumph in the same way you applaud whoever went 'we could get some supermodels in and - hey, didn't Derek Bowie do a song about Fashion?', then you're really just watering down praise for Farah.

Not everyone at the Olympics gets a gold medal; in fact, that's the kind of point. Doing a closing ceremony is always going to be a thankless task - who wants to be the guy ushering in the hangover? - and coming in the wake of the opening extravanganza set the bar at a pole-vault height for a high-jump event. But nobody made anyone start a parade of plodding would-be secular hymns. No event will thrive when it drags on the film of Lennon doing Imagine, the national anthem of the Independent State Of Hypocrisy.

There were bits that were pretty good - the phoenix; the all-too-brief visit of The Pet Shop Boys. There was an exciting one hour event struggling to fight out of a three hour one.

But Russell Brand came on, singing through a megaphone.

Rather than close the Olympics, it looks like they're planning to stun it with a carjack, drag it out to the marshes and finish it off

The Spice Girls singing on top of what-will-by-law-be-described-as-iconic-black-taxis?

You've got to hope this is a piece of misdirection.

I suppose if the Opening Ceremony was designed to convince the world and the nation that we can do surprising and amazing events without falling back on lazy cliche and the obvious, well-worn, and clapped out, the Closing Ceremony is intended to unwind that belief and return us to the sort of chumps who stick Mel B on the top of a Hackney Carriage and think it's a show. While they're dismantling the pop-up Water Polo venue, they're going to take down the temporary sense of national pride, then.

Gordon in the morning: Be a little bit wiser, baby

Mel C has broken up with her partner, which need not detain us here. The headline on Stuart Pink's story should, though:

Two Become One as Mel C splits with her fella

They do realise in Gordon's team that 'two becomes one' is the precise opposite of what happens when couples split up, don't they? Or is the Sun now being produced by people who can't even understand Spice Girls lyrics?

Gordon in the morning: Down under

Gordon has a curious tale this morning about Mel B apparently wanting to become Australian:

The married mum of three said: "I would love to become an Australian citizen."

Eldest child Phoenix, 13, has enrolled at a school in Sydney.

Mel added: "I've set up shop here. We are all really happy and settled."

There's little context to this surprising announcement.

Which is understandable, because the whole thing has been lifted - without any acknowledgement at all - from The Sydney Sunday Telegraph, which basically uses a few words to line up some photos of Scary.

In other words, Gordon is now pinching stories from glorified photo captions.

Mel B appears to need some money

That, surely, is the only motivation for trying to get the idea of another Spice Girls disinterring going:

Asked about rumours linking the group to an Olympics show, she said: "I would never say never. I think it's possible. I'd love it if we got back together and got to go on tour."

To be fair, it's not like she's going to be touring a solo album or anything soon.

Dane Bowers tries what I believe is called a 'zinger'

Dane Bowers has taken a lazy pop at Victoria Beckham, his erstwhile collaborator in shame:

"I think she should stick to fashion design but she’d probably say that herself," he said. "The whole fashion thing is definitely where her future lies."

To be fair, Dane, I suspect you'd be better off trying designing jeans rather than releasing any more records.

Still, Dane is a little more generous about Beckham later on:

"She’s the first person to say that she’s no Mariah Carey but she can hold a tune. You don’t make it as far as the Spice Girls did if you can’t sing at all."

Although the presence of Mel B and Geri Halliwell in the band suggests his theory might be fundamentally flawed.

Mel C: You've made this pledge before

First time round, when Mel C pledged 'No Spice Girls reunion', we put our faith in her.

I'm not sure I'm buying her reassurances this time:

She tells Britain's Daily Star newspaper, "There's no chance of that happening. Don't believe what you've read elsewhere, because I'm telling Daily Star readers we have no plans to tour again.

"We all have our own projects going on and have families too so we couldn't find the time even if we wanted to."

I understand that "believe what you're reading in the Daily Star" is the exact, legal opposite of swearing to tell the truth on the Bible.

Spice Girls get to that stage

I suppose it was only a matter of time - Judy Craymer, who invented the pro-celebrity karaoke which was Mamma Mia, and Simon Fuller, the cheap knee-high boot stamping on the face of humanity forever, are coming together:

A stage production based on the Spice Girls and their music is being created by Mamma Mia! producer Judy Craymer, Simon Fuller has announced.

This is the sort of work the devil makes for idle hands.

You can't fault the logic, as the Spice Girls audience starts to shade into that period of their lives when a night out sounds more attractive if they do the sitting down and someone else does the dancing.

"This is a fairly harmless, if pointless, piece of fluff we can charge people for," Fuller told the press conference.

"Sure. I mean, even if it only runs for five days, that'll be five times longer than I'm going to have to spend slapping a few pre-written tunes into a creaky dramatic framework," agreed Craymer. "I mean, it's not like I'm Ben Elton or anything."

Oh, alright. Here's what they actually signed-off in advance:

"What Judy has achieved with her all-conquering box office smash hit Mamma Mia! and what the Spice Girls created with their powerful record-breaking mix of girl power and hit songs, has influenced pop culture more than anyone can imagine," Fuller added.

Well, he's got a point. It's why so many people spend time sobbing and sobbing when they think about popular culture.

Seriously: if you were trying to sell yourself, would you really stand up and say "between us, we're responsible for Girls Can't Catch, JLS, Tonight I'm Yours: The Rod Stewart Musical and Soapstar Superstar"? It's an act of brave honesty on a par with when Miles out of This Life told everyone he'd caused the blackout in Flash Forward.

Craymer said she planned to "create a unique celebration of the band and its music, with its own flavour and joyful message".

She added: "It is important to me that the excitement, style and humour of the Spice Girls is well represented on stage."

Yes, that's very important. Very, very important. What would the musical be without capturing the spirit of Geri Halliwell hectoring Mel C into an eating disorder?

The UK government has said it is aware of the threat, but stresses as a matter of policy it does not negotiate with terrorists.

Mel C gently repaints history

Much as we love Mel C, she's not being entirely honest about how sexual the Spice Girls were in her Telegraph interview:

With instant success and the growth of Girl Power, however, came the responsibility of becoming role models for millions of young girls. "It was something we took seriously," she says. "It's hilarious because we were criticised for being provocative or wearing revealing clothes a decade ago. Just look at girl bands now – they're so sexual. We were tame by comparison."

Yes, you'd never see The Pussycat Dolls dressing like that, right?

Still, you have to forgive her:

"It is rare to launch a solo career that is successful after years in a band," Chisholm concedes. "So it's been brilliant that I've been able to keep writing and performing my own songs and that the public love them. But acting? That took me out of my comfort zone. And, ah, we won't mention Spice World…"

It's hard to imagine Geri or Beckham making an unscripted Spice World jibe.

Is it really that rare to launch a solo career after being in a band, though? Timberlake? Williams? Ure? Estefan? Bunton?

Okay. Maybe not Bunton.

Gordon in the morning: He really, really, reallys wants to zig... oh, please yourselves

Although he ran exactly the same story a couple of weeks ago, and despite that story being denied instantly by Mel B, Gordon is back with the claims that the Spice Girls are going to reunite.

Again.

Only without Beckham.

And, erm, possibly, without Bunton.

In fact, Gordon does admit - seemingly by accident - that his first story was total bunkum:

I revealed a couple of weeks back that Mel and Stephen had discussed a one-off Spice Girls appearance at the World Cup in South Africa next summer.

It sounds like the response has encouraged talks about another big comeback.

Actually, Gordon, your original story wasn't that "Mel and Stephen" had discussed a one-off comeback - you actually said:

She has already got Ginger Spice GERI HALLIWELL, Baby EMMA BUNTON and Sporty MELANIE CHISHOLM on board.

Did you forget that? Only you have ragged out the story from the paper that you're now trying rewrite, including the bit that you're now trying to conveniently forget.

Meanwhile: How many times has Gordon 'introduced' Dionne Bromfield to the word now? I make it four, but I might be losing count.

Darkness at 3AM: Yay! Girl power!

To be fair to the 3AMies, Girl Power was never a consistently explained philosophy, so it can be quite hard to pin down what, exactly, the phrase meant.

But I'm quite sure:

Geri Halliwell shows off she's still got girl power as she jokes with her bloke in white bikini

... that this wasn't it.

Victoria Beckham: Sponger

That clicking sound? That's the sound of a lost soul finally finding her cultural level. Sure, taking a part in Spongebob Squarepants is going to stretch Victoria Beckham a little, but at last she has found a place where her talents might fit.

Gordon in the morning: Confusing victory with bungling

Back when Alex James was running a record label with Joe Strummer and Damien Hirst, he had a look at Coldplay, and decided not to sign them. That makes sense. Not to Gordon, though, who confuses this with an error:

THERE are dozens of ex-music bosses around the country drowning their sorrows in the boozer over how they “almost” signed a huge band.
[...]
Now ALEX JAMES from BLUR has revealed he is in the bungling music bigwig’s club for failing to sign COLDPLAY when he had a record label for a short time in the late Nineties.
[...]
If he had signed Coldplay, Alex would now be basking in the glory of being a member of one of the country’s best Britpop bands AND finding their replacement.

You can see the problem here - Gordon has seen that Blur sold lots of records, and Coldplay sell lots of records, and so they're pretty much the same sort of thing.

A more appropriate way of looking at it would be that Alex James came dangerously close to churning out soulless-but-pleasant records, but luckily avoided it.

He saw Coldplay, he saw nothing special. I don't see any bungling.

By the way: Yes, he did run a label with Hirst and Strummer - and, of course, Keith Allen. Keith was keen for the label, Turtleneck, to sign Lily. They didn't do that, either, in the end. Let's hope Gordon doesn't find out about that one, eh?

Meanwhile, Gordon has a chat with Lady GaGa:

LADY GAGA rang Bizarre yesterday to stake her claim as the figurehead for a new generation of Girl Power.

Really? Lady GaGa is comparing herself to the Spice Girls, is she?

She said: “When JOHN LENNON was talking about YOKO ONO he used to say that women possessed a wisdom that no man could have.
[...]
“[Madonna] not a bad comparison but I want to be respected as an artist in my own right.

“BOWIE, PRINCE and GRACE JONES were all famous for their style and fashion, so I think it’s a tradition pop stars should maintain.”

The one act she clearly isn't comparing herself to is The Spice Girls.

All hail Posh, the fashion queen

Yesterday's Guardian G2 supplement raised its hat - its stylish, fashion forward hat - to Victoria Beckham. In a curious departure from the usual layout, the shortcuts stuff was booted off deeper in the magazine to clear page two and three for a celebration of Beckham, and her style:

The making of an icon
Two years ago, she couldn't get a ticket to a fashion show. Now style insiders are queuing up to buy her clothes. How did that happen? By Hadley Freeman

How indeed? Perhaps that 2006 book Beckham had published under her name might have something to do with, eh, Hadley? You might remember it:

Packed with realistic and practical advice as well as gorgeous photos and illustrations, Victoria will share her personal top tips as well as anecdotes from the fashion world. That extra half an inch will be the ultimate girl’s guide to looking and feeling the best that you can, and learning a bit about fashion as you go along.

That would be the one. It wasn't all Beckham's own work, though, was it?

Victoria will be writing the book with Hadley Freeman. Hadley is an award winning fashion journalist and currently deputy fashion editor of the Guardian and a contributing editor of Vogue.

You might wonder if there's something a little lacking in distance to co-(let's not call it ghost-)write a fashion book with someone one moment, and then hail your partner as a fashion genius a few moments later.

Mel B issues statements to reassure the nation

Given that the little bit of bother at the airport was dealt with effectively by the people paid to deal with these things, you might think it goes without saying that Mel B does not need to up her security in response.

But you know the problem with things that go without saying? The thing gone without saying usually fails to get reported, alongside a photo of the person saying the thing and a puff for their latest project. So Mel B has helpfully announced that as a result of a swiftly resolved, unusual situation, she has no plans to change her life:

[T]he singer insists she is determined not to change her way of life and hire security staff following the incident.
She says, "It wouldn't make me feel safer. I think it draws more attention to yourself. In my mind I believe that what happened at the airport doesn't happen often."

Mel B, as long-time watchers of the Spice Girls will testify, hates nothing more than drawing the spotlight towards herself.

Brown, 33, has hailed her spouse a hero for coming to her rescue during the terrifying ordeal.
She adds: "I'm lucky my husband is so protective. The family always travels together, which makes me feel safe. I still don't know what was going through that man's head at the airport... I was half asleep and I looked up and it was all going on. But my husband's quick reaction made sure we were safe.

It's not entirely clear how Mel is judging Stephen's reaction speed when she didn't even know what was happening.