Noel Gallagher is worse than his brother at fashion

To be honest, we'd assumed that Pretty Green set the bar so high for 'terrible Oasis related fashion activity' that it was a record which would never be beaten. Like Seb Coe's 800 metres in 1981, it looked like we'd found a marker in human endeavour that would endure.

But like Seb Coe's record, nothing lasts forever.

There's something worse just round the corner:

Noel Gallagher has partnered with Adidas for a new signature shoe.

The former Oasis guitarist has designed his version of the Garwen SPZL trainers as part of Adidas’ 2017 spring SPEZIAL range.

Hang on a moment, though. It's not just Noel Gallagher Has Designed A Plimsole. Because that would be worthy of being terrible in its own right. But it's the design he's come up with that really lifts this to 'world-beatingly godawful':

The shoe comes in indigo leather and is said to be 70s-inspired, featuring a picture of Noel on the shoe’s tongue and his date of birth inside.

Ninety Nine Pounds. For a shoe that only really functions as a way that Liam can remember when he's meant to send Noel a birthday card.

Some of the Adidas celeb tie-ups now are so bad, I suspect they're just an elaborate trolling activity on the part of a company which has frankly grown bored of fiddling with the sleeve length on football jerseys.

A quick dip into fashion

It's Paris Fashion Week - you don't need me to tell you that. Our eye is caught by a line in Wonderland Magazine:

Acne Studio’s Creative Director, Jonny Johansson, pays the ultimate homage to the world of music. A binding of everything he has known and loved about music in the present and past, the collection works a reoccurring motif of coloured CD prints in green, purple, blue and red. Dominating Perspex guitar badges are attached to the backs and fronts of tops and the classic 80’s shoulder padded blazer.

Let's just stop there. If you're having trouble imagining what that's like... well, it's like this:

If there were trousers with that, it would exactly like something David Cameron would wear to a UK Music sponsored event:
- "maybe I need slightly larger lapel badges to show that I really like music like Smiths and The Sam Smith, right?"
- "good idea, Prime Minister; it'll also cover up this stain on the pocket. Is that bacon fat you've got on there?"

Thing is, the rest of the collection isn't bad - in fact, there's a couple of really nice pieces in it - but this is like someone who loves fashion and music trying to bring them together, and having as much success as someone saying "I don't get it, I love my Nan and I love cage fighting, why isn't Nan enjoying her first cage fight? Didn't she train hard enough?"

In other on-stage incident news

Giorgi Armani, and his part in Madonna's downfall.

Is Armani sharing some the blame for the only interesting thing to happen at the Brits last week?

Nope.

He's putting it all on Madonna:

This cape had a hook and she wanted a tie, and she wasn't able to open it with her hands. That's all there is to it. 'Madonna, as we all know, is very difficult,' he said.

It wasn't a wardrobe malfunction, then, it was user error.

Rita Ora talks about herself in the third person

So, Rita Ora was at the Oscars last night (she didn't win), and obviously, E! wanted to know what she was wearing. This is how Rita answered:

"In the dress world for Rita Ora, there are two things you have to do: what hasn't anybody done [and] what could I do to make myself feel as sexy as possible," she said. "I'm really lucky to be in a position where I have an amazing team who can design custom from real incredible designers like Vera Wang and Marchesa and so forth."

In dress terms, that answer is something that got chewed up in the washing machine.

"In the dress world for Rita Ora"?

I know it must mush your brains to mush-mush to be performing at the Oscars - look what it did the Neil Patrick Harris last night, whose hosting was so off-note that he'd be lucky to get a casting call if they decided to bring back Doogie Howser. But who gets so confused they start to talk about how they chose a frock with the phrase "in the dress world for Rita Ora"? Especially if they're Rita Ora.

Still, how did what hasn't anybody done work out for you, Rita?

Yes, a white/silver/reflective floor length gown - that's a fresh look for this awards season, Rit... oh, sorry, that's Taylor Swift at the Grammys, isn't it? In 2014.

Here's Rita, then:

Still, you can tell how her designers have designed custom out of what real incredible designers have done there, can't you?

You cannot overstate how serious Iggy Azalea splitting her pants is

Iggy Azalea's tight pants split while she was playing a bar mitzvah. Elle doesn't quite suggest this is a significant event in human history, but only just manages to hold off:

But maybe the most striking thing about this incident is how horribly, cringe-tastically, shiver-inducingly relatable it is.

If that isn't to overstate it enough, there's more:

Iggy Azalea is all of us.

Yes, which of us can say we've not worn trousers a size too small to an event where a young person is coming of age? Truly, Iggy is all of us.

There's apparently something called "the Gary Barlow effect", which is leading people to wear more suits. According to the Telegraph.

Can the paper illustrate this 'Gary Barlow effect' by showing us pictures of men, usually more casually dressed, out and about on the town looking smarter than we're used to seeing?

Oh, hang about. Those might be two separate stories on the front page of today's paper. There isn't any suggestion that that is the Gary Barlow effect.

What is this effect, then?

"When you look at boy bands and television presenters, they all look smart. Look at Gary Barlow on New Year's Eve," Brian Brick, Moss Bros chief executive, said.

"Men are not just wearing suits for work, but going out in the evening. They are going out in a jacket and jeans. We have certainly benefited from that."

Men wearing jeans on nights out? There's a trend. Why haven't we heard more of this?

The trouble with this theory is that Brian Brick seems to be assume Gary Barlow is some sort of dangerous, wild rock figure who has embraced the suit as an act of counterintuitive rebellion.

More honestly, though, Gary Barlow is dressing like an accountancy firm's middle manager because that's kind of what he is, surely?

Lily Allen: Wasn't she in the rag trade?

One of the stranger aspects of Lily Allen's Hard Out Here shotstorm has been that it happened at all. Hadn't she quit music for the fashion industry? How come she's back making music?

May or may not be related: Lucy In Disguise, Lily's fashion business, has been put into liquidation, apparently:

On Sunday, the Mail Online revealed that the brand's backer Aurora Fashions - which also owns Coast, Oasis and Warehouse - was "granted a compulsory winding up order against the company in the High Court earlier this year."

Aurora claims it was forced to take legal action after Lucy In Disguise failed to pay back a £100,000 debt in sufficient time. It is still owed £12,000.

Hang on a moment, though...

Lily's sister, Sarah Owen, who's running the shop day-to-day, points out the business is still trading:

Saddened and more than a little bit annoyed to read in the weekend papers that Lucy in Disguise is finished... Well, here I am at Lucy in Disguise, 48 Lexington Street, Soho, London with a shop full of customers trying on vintage classics – looking for that special outfit for Christmas!! I don’t’ think I’m dreaming, no they are definitely real people in a real shop.

It seems that the press can’t get enough of raking over old stories and trying to make something new out of it – strange really as this is what Lucy In Disguise does really well – creating fabulous new looks from fashion pieces from a bygone era!!

Just to put the record straight for everyone.... Yes, there were some financial problems back in 2011 and yes, a couple of ideas for the business didn’t really gel, BUT things have moved on since then.

In 2012, there was an attempt to wind up the company, but - ironically - the attempt failed because the person who turned up to present the order was badly dressed:

October 08 2012

A winding-up petition presented to the Court against Lucy in Disguise LLP was this morning dismissed by Chief Registrar Baister on a technicality.

The petitioner was represented by a solicitor from law firm Ellis Taylor. Unfortunately the solicitor was not appropriately attired in legal court dress and was refused audience and was therefore unable to address the Companies Court. As a result the petition was dismissed.

Nobody appeared at the Companies Court on behalf of Lucy in Disguise LLP which otherwise may have been able to obtain an order for costs of and occasioned by the petition against the petitioner.

There was another attempt in June 2013, and this was successful.

But, as we know from the HMV story, simply being put into liquidation doesn't mean the same thing as ceasing to trade.

So: something went wrong, and perhaps not quite so far back as might be suggested. But the second hand clothes shop? It's still in business.

Who is the smartest person in rock?

It's almost cruel to share the name of the company which has spent its money pulling together a poll to discover the "most stylish rockstar".

Almost, but not quite. Jesus, Stuarts of London... really? At no point did you see the way the votes were going and think 'let's quietly kill this, or lie and say, I don't know, Kele from Bloc Party or something'.

Noel Gallagher won.

Let's look at Noel when he's dressed up, shall we?

Noel, there, with that guy who was in the Chilcot Enquiry. Yeah, that's stylish.

Noel beat Liam Gallagher - yes, the next-most-stylish rock star is a bloke who wears fussy parkas and Lennon specs. Third place was Alex Turner.

This could also, you appreciate, a list of pop stars that the people who run a London trouser shop might have heard of. Best to approach it on that basis.

Bookmarks: Madonna

Oh, here's some sweet joy: Malcriada has uncovered Madonna's first clothing line:

What's really interesting here is how, back in the 80s, there was no pretence that the star name attached to the line was actually doing the designing. Wouldn't get that now, would you?

There's the whole of the spread at Malcriada's Tumblr.

Gordon in the morning: Cramming Andrew Mitchell into Myleene Klass' bra

The showbiz section of The Sun website leads today with a big puff for Myleene Klass' new range of pants. They attempt to somehow use it to keep the Andrew Mitchell story going:

Undie Klass
But posh Myleene's definitely no pleb

The link between former Hear'Say women wearing knickers and the chief whip swearing at police and then lying about it isn't entirely obvious. I'm not sure "definitely no pleb" applies, either, when the range is for Littlewoods, one of the more - ah - democratic stores.

Gordon in the morning: Robbie in a foxhole

Of course Robbie Williams has launched his own signature range of clothing. Why wouldn't he? After all, if it's good enough for Liam Gallagher:

He said: “I’ve been on the Pretty Green website and looked at their clothes and it should do really well because it’s really well put together.

“I think the difference between mine and Liam’s clothes is probably 40 to 50 years.

“This is genuine WW1 Winston Churchill stuff and I think Liam’s is more mod 1960s and maybe Nineties. There is a definite difference, you can just tell by looking at the style.

“If we can achieve what Pretty Green has achieved in what seems like a short space of time then that would be brilliant.”

By "achieving what Pretty Green has achieved", Williams is thinking mostly in terms of the successful operation to separate fools and money.

Still, the idea of basing your look on the First World War Churchill look is interesting, if nothing else. Here's a photo of Winston Churchill in 1914:

That's quite a stylish look. Love what you've done with your collars, there, Winston. You can see how that would inspire Robbie Williams. So, what does Williams' clothes line look like?

Maybe it's just me, but that seems a bit more like a half-arsed attempt to emulate the second world war rather than the first, doesn't it?

Let's not even start with the way Williams is using the word "genuine" to describe something that, er, isn't genuine.

It doesn't really look very second war like, either, though, does it? It's like Robbie has only done the merest smidge of research as to what the clothing that era was like.

Surely that can't be, though? I mean, look at the coat Williams is wearing there. That's not the sort of thing you'd just assume was a 1940s look from a slightly dodgy secondary source, is it?

Gordon in the morning: The Wanted against nakedness

Inevitably, given their profile, the world is now being softened up for a bunch of clothes supposedly designed by The Wanted.

Because The Wanted have a really distinctive style, don't they?

Even Gordon manages a decent snort of derision:

Which is good news for fans of checked shirts and faded denim jeans.

So, why would they be doing this now? Apparently, it's because they met Tommy Hilfiger last week.

So, you meet Hilfiger and decide to copy him by designing clothes? Could someone please arrange a meeting between The Wanted and Buzz Aldrin, please?

A source says: “They are also inspired by the massive success of Jay-Z and P Diddy’s clothing ranges."

And what part of that success is it that inspires? The ability to connect more closely to fans by shaping a distinctive visual style? The chance to show you have talents that stretch beyond your core work?

Don't be silly:

"It could be a great money-spinner.”

The only success that mattters.

Beth Ditto: Above Evans

Beth Ditto, out of the anecdote about eating squirrels, dreams of her own fashion range.

Hang about: hasn't she already done a fashion range? For Evans?

Apparently that doesn't count:

''I wish that there was more control in that line, but there wasn't. It was really fun, but the things that I really wanted couldn't be turned around in time. It was made in India, which caused a lot of conflict for me. I really want to do my own line that's ethically made, and I can do whatever the f**k I want with it."

A lot of conflict, eh? It didn't sound like that at the time. Indeed, she actually did two collections, which suggests something managed to ease all that confliction. In fact, she sounded positively giddy:

Working with Evans the first time round was a dream come true and this time the experience was even better than before. Getting a feel for what people liked and didn’t like and working with the same wonderful team, I learned some new tricks and discovered a confidence in my instincts that carried over into this collection.
[..]
I am grateful to have the chance to design for you again.

Although, clearly, that gratitude was tempered by the turmoil in her heart.

Gordon in the morning: Winehouse on the catwalk

Gordon leads today with one of those stories in which nobody comes out well. The Gaultier show ripping off Amy Winehouse's style is pretty shabby.

And you can understand Mitch Winehouse being a bit upset:

He said: "The family was upset to see those pictures, they were a total shock.

"We're still grieving for her loss, and we've had a difficult week with the six-month anniversary of Amy's death."

Until...

"To see her image lifted wholesale to sell clothes was a wrench we were not expecting or consulted on.
[...]
But he added: "No one asked us for permission or offered to make a donation to the foundation."

There's a sense that this isn't just the understandable anger at the shock of seeing your dead daughter being ripped off by a fashion house which has clearly run out of ideas; there's an element of 'we should be controlling what happens to that image'. An upset which could have been avoided by the making of a cash payment - whether to a charity or not - doesn't seem to be a totally genuine upset.

Gordon in the morning: Pushing Pixie

I don't suppose anyone would object much to a marketing message for Pixie Lott's range of clothes being disguised as a news story on Gordon's pages, had it been disguised as a news story:

That’s a Lott of clothes now, Pixie

PIXIE Lott has released so many Lipsy clothing ranges, it's easy to forget she's a singer.

Here she is modelling two new designs for the store. It's a wonder she had time for upcoming second album Young Foolish Happy.

Hope she turns her hand to designing lingerie...

Now, obviously, it would be wonderful if she got a job stocking shelves of a branch of Peacocks and couldn't get time off to make any more records, but why didn't Gordon just go the full distance and merely list available sizes, prices and colours?

Elsewhere in The Sun, there's a straight-faced article which tries to float the idea that Gary Barlow is some sort of sex symbol, apparently not even noticing that his "beard" appears to be printed onto a sheet of plastic and attached to his chops.

Kanye West wants us to be gentle

Kanye West revealed his ladies wear collection at Paris Fashion Week a couple of days ago, to snorts of derision. They were fair enough snorts, to be honest: some of the designs would have shamed a contestant on the first week of Project Runway.

What's amusing, though, is Kanye's apparent awareness that he was pushing substandard clobber:

"Thank you for anybody that didn't believe, because they motivated us to break our boundaries... We don't know what the reviews will be, we don't know what they will say... I gave you everything that I had.

"This is my first collection. Please be easy. Please give me a chance to grow. This is not some celebrity s**t. I don't f**k with celebrities... The amount of people that tried to get me a celebrity f**king deal. They said, 'You need to do boot-cut jeans, or you won't sell.' Shut the f**k up!...

"I thank anybody who came to this party, everybody who supported, everybody who believed, because people thought it was a joke, and maybe people still do, but I can only grow from this point."

Not some celebrity shit, Kanye? Really? How many other designers have their first fashion show at Paris Fashion Week? And if you know it's so bad you have to issue a plea to be "given a chance", maybe you should be doing what everyone else has to do, and take the "chance to grow" while at fashion school, showing your early work in the more gentle climate of a term-end show.

If you're going to shove actual designers out the way, waving your famous face as the shortcut pass, at least have the decency to take the bad reviews on the chin. Being to be given a chance because it's not something you've got experience of doing is really a roundabout admission that you shouldn't be there.

[Thanks to Michael M]

Gordon in the morning: Noel Gallagher, shoegazing

The news that Noel Gallagher has "designed" a pair of plimsols for Adidas is neither here nor there:

The former Oasis star is releasing 120 pairs of limited edition Adidas trainers in a couple of weeks' time.

If you are lucky enough to beat the queue at the only shop they are going on sale, Adidas on Newburgh St, London, they will set you back £80.

It's all a contractual arrangement, part of the deal which got Noel to shill from the shoe company last year, but the few they're making, coupled with the bargain basement price gives this the air of "the least I could do."

But the caption on the photo doesn't even have that much engagement:

Ex-shoe-lent ... Noel Gallagher

Ex shoe lent? Ex shoe lent? Are they implying that someone has borrowed Gallagher's old shoes?

Gordon in the morning: man dresses casually

Oh, the horror. Gordon publishes photos today of Ray Davies which might shock you.

KINKS star Ray Davies looks a long way from his Sixties heyday — wearing jogging bottoms that are too short and white socks.

Perhaps if the shitty London Media pap who took the long lens shot of him had called him in advance and warned him that he was going to be photographed for no apparent reason in the street, he might have worn a suit. Or perhaps he might have thought "I'm having a quiet day off, going for coffee, why the hell should I lob on a suit just because I once wrote a song about a third party who was a dedicated follower of fashion? After all, there'd be no earthly reason for a national newspaper to run a story about me wearing jogging bottoms, is there?"

Never mind the quality, feel the Strokes

It would make sense that Albert Hammond Jr is designing suits for Ryan Gosling, wouldn't it? I mean, there's no way that Albert Hammond Jr should be concentrating a bit more on the day job instead of drawing some suit designs, as, clearly, The Strokes can take care of themselves.

Gordon in the morning: Blazering squad

Fazer - the one out of N-Dubz who can do his own laces - is "doing a fashion line". No rubbish, mind:

e said: "I am working on some visual boards at the moment, for my own high-end clothing line.

"Hopefully we'll start promoting it next year. It's going to be exclusively Fazer. I want to set the standards high - no rubbish.

"Everything is going to have a tailored feel to it - fitted jackets, fitted shirts, jeans and blazers."

Yes, there's nothing ill-judged in a clothing range aimed at the high-fashion end of the N-Dubz audience. How does one fit a Red Bull pocket into a tailored blazer?