Where is Robbie Williams playing these days?

I suppose if you're Robbie Williams, you'd be lucky to get a gig anywhere these days, but what a surprise to discover him headlining a gig in Tblisi. Not any old gig, either - one paid for the government.

Maroon Five and Jose Carreras are also taking part in the - let's call them "celebrations", shall we?

And that's not all:

In addition to the Government-organised activities, Check in Georgia will also include events and activities hosted by private companies. Furthermore, agricultural and product displays including wine and cheese festivals will offer the best of local production to visitors.

It's a wonder they could keep Alex James away from it all.

So, Robbie Williams getting a payday from the Georgian government. That's alright, isn't it?

I mean, the Georgian government isn't terrible. They even endorsed a queer pride event last year, as Amnesty reports:

The International Day against Homophobia and Transphobia (IDAHOT) proceeded peacefully in Tbilisi in a discreet location on 17 May

Well, that's lovely. Although... why was it discreet?

The authorities had refused to guarantee the event’s safety unless it was held at a specific location without any prior public announcement.

Perhaps not entirely in keeping with the spirit of the day.

Now, you could say that it's not Williams beef. Why should he decide where to play based on attitudes to queer people?

But his Georgian government paymasters are problematic in other ways, too:

On 15 March, approximately 50 supporters of the Georgian Dream ruling coalition forcibly entered the local offices of [opposition party] UNM and an affiliated group in Zugdidi, armed with wooden sticks, throwing stones and smashing windows. Nine people were reported injured, including one of the police officers who tried to intervene but were outnumbered by the attackers.

Concerns over freedom of expression were voiced by local NGOs and political commentators who believed that a lawsuit by a former shareholder of Rustavi 2 against its current owners was prompted by the government to deprive the opposition of its main mouthpiece. On 21 October, the director of Rustavi 2 reported having been blackmailed, claiming that the security services threatened to release intimate footage of him unless he resigned. The Tbilisi City Court found in favour of the former shareholder, and Rustavi 2 managers were forcibly replaced with pro-government caretakers on 5 November, against the Constitutional Court ruling that an appeal had to be heard first.

On 17 September, the Constitutional Court ruled to release Gigi Ugulava, an opposition activist and former Mayor of the capital, Tbilisi. It deemed his pre-trial detention since 2013 – on charges of misappropriation of public funds and money laundering – illegal as it exceeded the nine-month legal limit. The Court’s judges came under heavy criticism from senior government officials for this decision and were threatened with violence by some pro-government groups. On 18 September, Gigi Ugulava was sentenced to four-and-a-half years’ imprisonment on account of these charges, and rearrested the same day.

But Maroon 5 and Robbie Williams, almost certainly, wouldn't find themselves on the hard end of this dodgy justice.

To be fair to Williams, it's possible he didn't entirely feel thrilled at his new bosses. The English language Agenda.ge tried to talk up his enthusiasm:

The British singer shared his thoughts about his Tbilisi performance to his social media followers on Twitter on Thursday:

Under this, they reproduce this tweet to illustrate Williams' sharing:

#dressingroom #sunglasses #dinamoareana #stripes #tattoos #Georgia pic.twitter.com/FWh7935Ksi

— Robbie Williams (@robbiewilliams) May 26, 2016

So the best example Agenda could find of Williams' thoughts was a photo of him looking like a middle aged man waiting for his wife to emerge from a BHS restaurant toilet and a slew of hashtags that read like a particularly weak contestant on Catchphrase trying to work out what Mr Chips is telling them.

Robbie Williams: The Return: The rerun

Robbie Williams is hoping to rejoin Take That again.

The way he keeps popping in and out of the band, and with Gary Barlow's love of ten-pound-note, it might make sense for Williams to be put on a zero hours contract, so we can all skip the tortuous negotiations every time he finds a blank space in his bank statement ("in his diary").

Robbie Williams launches Christmas market surprise

Oh, what larks. The rump of tax-swerving middle-managers Take That are releasing an album today, called III (after the maximum rate of corporation tax they're prepared to countenance.)

But what is this coming from out of nowhere? It's a new Robbie Williams album:

Robbie Williams has announced a surprise new album. Under The Radar Volume 1, a collection of discards and demos that “cried out for a home”, is being released today, the same day as Take That’s III.

“[These are] loads and loads of songs that I’ve written that I’m incredibly passionate about,” Williams said in a handheld video to his fans. “I want you to hear them, otherwise they’re just going to remain in my computer!”

Robbie, it's the 21st Century. If your private files are remaining sat on your computer, that's probably a sign that nobody is interested in them.

It's like a battle for the number one slot. Except...

Although the digital edition won’t be available until 8 December, the CD version is on sale now. Williams is selling them exclusively through his website for £7.50 a pop, or £25 with an autograph.

... given the market for these records is clearly people whose search for a gift for older parents has dragged them into the back where Tesco racks the CDs, it's not really much of a battle. (It's also unclear if Williams' virtual selling of his CDs out the back of a van will be counted for chart returns, too.)

Robbie Williams isn't getting any better

Well done, Robbie Williams. Through clunky mugging, you managed to make the birth of your second child all about you.

Let's hope Gary Barlow doesn't turn up and spoil Robbie Williams Day

You know how small towns in America get so excited when something vaguely famous happens that they lose their heads and the mayor declares it "such and such day"?

It couldn't happen here.

Except in Stoke, where it's happening: They're having a Robbie Williams Day:

The arrival of Robbie's milestone occasion, styled across the city as Robbie Day, will trigger an array of civic celebrations, Stoke-on-Trent council officials have said.

The council's leader said that as one of the city's most famous global exports - together with its historic pottery trade - Robbie is dear to the hearts of many in Stoke, not only for remaining true to his Burslem roots but for his local charity work.

Mohammed Pervez said: "He is a global superstar, but one who has always remembered his roots.

Roots, maybe. But in Stoke, there are also routes. Seriously, you can take a trip round the places of Robbie's life:

A tourist trail taking in former homes and locations mentioned in his songs is already running, while a new housing estate being built in the Middleport area will feature streets named after his songs - Angels Way, Candy Lane and Supreme Street.

Sadly no Bongo Bong Boulevard, though.

Actually, the first two are quite good names for streets, but - unless it's a major thoroughfare - Supreme Street is going have a hollow ring to it, isn't it?

Robbie Williams: I am the 49%

And while we're going through the pile marked "people saying stupid things about homosexuality", it would be wrong to let any more time slide by without recording Robbie Williams' contribution to sexuality studies:

In an interview with the Daily Star, he said: "I love musical theatre and a lot of the other things that are often associated with gays. I am 49% homosexual and sometimes as far as 50%.

I know what you're wondering: How come Williams doesn't score any higher?

However, that would imply that I enjoy having a particular sort of fun, which I don't.

I believe some straight people have expressed surprise at this discovery that the final exam before you get your gay certification works like this, but it's true. Growing up, we've all, surely, had to comfort someone who had put in the hours rimming, cruising, fisting and bitching but failed to get a pass mark because they did poorly on the Rogers And Hammerstein paper. "Sorry, Tom, you know the rules - you might have aced the practical, but if you can't remember the order of the Favourite Things, you're not gay-worthy."

Robbie: Being gay isn't about "liking musical theatre". God only knows what you've got on your list of of "other things associated with the gays" are, but I don't think it matters. Like rimming, cruising, fisting and bitching, those activities like musical theatre and those other things in your mind? They're things that some gay people might do - equally, they're things that some straight people do. Bisexuals do them, too. And pansexuals. But they don't define your sexual orientation.

Robbie sobby, undone by One

Apparently Radio One has taken a bite out of Robbie Williams' arsenal:

"I'm very ambitious," he told BBC Radio 4's Mastertapes programme. "So when Radio 1 goes and is taken away from you, a huge bit of your arsenal goes."

"It's your main oxygen to get your stuff out there."

To be fair, Robbie, you've just released an album of swing covers. It's like sticking out a porn video and wondering why Blue Peter won't invite you on talk about it.

In the BBC News story, though, a much more interesting detail is hanging about:

The station's head of music has also said rock groups Green Day and Muse may have outgrown the station.

"The last Green Day project simply wasn't good enough," George Ergatoudis told trade magazine Music Week.

Muse, meanwhile "are approaching a crossroads" - their last single was the first one not playlisted by Radio 1 in a decade.

"The door remains open to them but we'll have to think carefully about their next album."

Yes, we've now come so far through the Rock & Roll Years that Muse have effectively turned into Cliff Richard.

And Green Day are Status Quo, but that's hardly breaking news.

Gordon in the morning: Robbie Williams shock

This morning, those paying for The Sun's website will be nodding at each other, and agreeing they were acute to make such an investment. For they can read this story:

Robbie Williams in unironed shirt

...while those on the outside can only wondered about the details.

Every penny spent on The Sun+ is a penny wisely spent, clearly.

Gordon in the morning: Kiss chase

You know, that Sun paywall can't come fast enough. Or maybe just build an ordinary wall around them.

Gordon's report on the plan is as awful as you'd expect - he uses the word "lesbionics" and seems to think that there's something "left-field" about the idea.

But really, let's save most of our eyes to roll at Robbie Williams.

The casting call — which is for a new song with rapper and songwriter JAKE EMLYN — asks for: “Two girls who are willing to heavily kiss for one scene! Must have LONG hair.
“Please note, if you have a real partner who you’d like to submit along with you! This role will pay £50 for the day, plus expenses.”

Fifty quid. Fifty quid for appearing in a video for a bloke worth £105 million quid.

Hats off the Robbie Williams who has managed to take an insultingly squalid idea and turn it into something financially repellent as well.

What was that meeting like, Robbie? "Look, if we're going to exploit these women, let's really exploit them, yeah?"

Gordon in the morning: Gallagher rumbles on

Good news for Gordon - so far, it looks like Dan Wootton hasn't been given any more days of the week to be in charge of showbiz.

This means Gordon can turn again to that battle of wits, or portions thereof, between Liam Gallagher and Robbie Williams.

About six years after Williams had the last word, Liam has come up with a response.

You might recall Williams suggested that Liam think about adding choruses to his song. Sadly, Liam's not going to take that lying down:

“We didn’t make a record to satisfy some requirements, this was our project. Robbie Williams said the record’s good but the songs have no chorus. I’d rather shoot myself in the balls than follow his advice."

Just the balls, mind.

The idea that Beady Eye sprang from some sort of project, almost deconstructionist in its scope, to satisfy no requirements is a surprise. You'd have expected something a little more astonishing if that really was the case, but maybe it's like when you first let rescue birds out a cage, and they just hang around where they know because they don't know how to roam free.

Sorry, Liam, you were saying?

“I do not listen to other music, so I don’t get my inspiration from anybody else, but maybe I should buy an iPod.”

An iPod. Bless. Maybe he'll look into buying a fax machine and getting Ceefax too.

But Liam, your claim that you don't listen to other music is a lie, and not even an interesting one, given how you were praising Emeli Sande the other day.
Meanwhile, Beady Eye have been asked to change the cover of their record because it has nipples on it.

Liam pretends to be anything other than delighted that anyone has even noticed he's got a record out:

Liam said: “Everyone has nipples, they could have put tape on it if they had to.”

... after all, it's not like any shop is going to have many copies; it'd only take a minute or so, right?

I think the real tragedy for Liam is that, if there has been an angry battle being fought over the oh-so-obvious 'put a tit on the sleeve, generate some publicity' move, nobody seems to have noticed that, either.

Gordon concludes this dash through the mind of Mr G by capturing his reaction to the cool response to the album from people who got past the sleeve:

He’s also not been best pleased by some of the reviews it’s had.

He added: “Ultimately the only thing I care about is how people react to the live shows.”

Good mantra to live by.

It's not really a good mantra to live by, though, is it? I suppose many bands past their prime do continue to make a decent living from touring, but given that Gallagher is already edging into "and do you have a smaller auditorium available" booking territory, "making a record which sells some copies" might be a better mantra to live by.

Still: Liam doesn't care what people say about the record.

Which is surprising news, since about four paragraphs back he was preparing to shoot his own balls off in response to, erm, Robbie William's capsule review.

Gordon in the morning: Of course Robbie has responded

After yesterday's whining from Liam Gallagher because Robbie Williams can still draw an audience, today Williams has launched a counter slavo.

It's like a few weeks ago when Nigel Lawson popped up to share his opinions on something. He was very angry but... it was like listening to someone having an argument down the street and round the corner. As is this spat.

Still, kudos to Robbie for focusing where it hurts most - the music:

Robbie said: “The interviews are better than the records at the minute. I really enjoy the interviews. Liam is like an episode of Star Stories.” He then laid into some of the songs on new Beady Eye album BE, saying: “The production is really good. There are a couple of tunes that would have been f***ing amazing if they had a chorus.

“Flick Of The Finger, nearly a great tune. Start Anew, if that had a chorus, but there is no chorus.”

Seriously, though, lads: It's reached the stage now like the sixth of seventh time Ken Barlow and Mike Baldwin went at on Corrie. It's starting to look less like a feud, and more like codependency.

Gordon in the morning: Liam's humiliation

It's obviously humiliating for Liam Gallagher that in Manchester - Manchester - Beaky Eye are only able to book gigs in the size of room you'd hire for the funeral tea for an unpopular Uncle.

You know what you might want to not do in those circumstances? Come across like a whiny boo-hoo, complaining and drawing attention to your reduced circumstances by pointing at another act who is doing so much better than you.

When did Liam ever get it right, though?

Gordon Smart bottles the bitterness:

Liam lost his rag as his band BEADY EYE played Manchester’s 1,500-capacity Ritz while Robbie chalked off another sold-out show in front of 60,000 at Manchester City’s home ground.

Williams is playing three nights there. Given that Gallagher has drawn attention to the difference, remember that he'd have to play a solid four months of gigs at the Ritz to reach the same number of fans Williams is playing to in Manchester.

Speaking on 5 Live, [Gallagher] ranted: “We should be playing the Etihad three nights (sic), not some f***ing fat f***ing idiot.

Quite why Gallagher believes he has a right to play in the Man City ground isn't clear, but given the size of his audience, he certainly could. He could even do it the same night as Williams plays - Robbie in the main part of the stadium; Captain Beaky could take on the kit room.

But as his consciousness streams, Gallagher realises who the real villans are. People. People who steadfastly refuse to give a flying fuck about his twilight band:

“Poor, mate. It’s not about him, it’s people in general. But it is about f***ing him, just in case you think I’m scared or something.

“It’s a small gig. Beady Eye ain’t a big band.

“Everyone thinks we’re going to announce big f***ing stadiums. That (The Ritz) is the level we’re at and we’ll stay at that until you pull your f***ing finger out and buy the f***ing records.”

You know what, Liam? If you want people to buy your records, you might want to try making them... well, let's start with 'not lazy shit', shall we?

Gordon in the morning: Robbie Williams is not happy

1990s pop star Robbie Williams - check your grandma's Wikipedia edits if you don't recognise the name - has finally joined Status Quo and Cliff Richard in the day room to moan about the young people at Radio One:

He branded the Breakfast Show host a “b******” for not playing his tracks – because the singer’s too old.

During his set at London’s Grosvenor House, Robbie said: “I did the Brits and started singing, ‘Hey-ho, here we go’ to a bunch of industry people and they were all just like, ‘F*** off, you’re fat and you’re old. And Radio 1 don’t play you no more – you’re fat and you’re old’.”
He then looked at Nick and said: “Isn’t that right Nick, you b******?”

It would seem his beef would be more with his peers rather than Radio One itself, but... oh, hang on, there's more:

After the singer performed Candy, and filmed himself on a punter’s phone, he returned to ribbing Grimmy, saying: “That’s Candy. How four-year-old do you want it, Radio 1?”

Yes, nothing makes your argument like pointing out you're an old man singing a nursery rhyme.

Leaning on his microphone stand eyeballing the DJ, he then popped a piece of chewing gum in his mouth and said: “Those aren’t drugs by the way. Nah, Radio 1’s not something that keeps me up at night, not at all.'

That doesn't make any sense.

He even tried a Yewtree joke:

Rob said: “I came here and looked around and thought, ‘I’m the only person I recognise here tonight’. It’s like looking at the cast of Operation Yewtree 2014. Ooh – too soon, too soon?”

Why would being too old to recognise anyone at a Radio Awards mean that everyone there would be arrested for sexually abusing children next year? It's not "too soon", it's just meaningless. You could do the Yewtree joke without the lead in; or you could use the lead-in of "I don't recognise anyone here" to do a "I guess that's the risk you take when your radio event clashes with the Yewtree staff party" or "presumably the old guard like to get an early night in case Yewtree wakes them up at four in the morning".

Robbie Williams is 83.

Headline carries too much information all on its own

NME:

Meat Loaf invites Robbie Williams on Charlie Chaplin ghost hunt

Gordon in the morning: Robbie Williams so desperate to be in Oasis he's trying to start a war with Blur

Does anyone really care what Robbie Williams thinks about Blur? Really? Tell us then, Gordon:

he singled out Alex for criticism after accusing The Sun columnist of “not being very nice to him”.

Robbie said: “Alex is the bassist in Blur — my nan could do that. All she needs is a new haircut.”

Let's not pause to reflect that being in Take That is a job so simple, Howard Donald is able to hold the role down, and just probe this further.

It turns out that Williams is carrying a grudge:

He explained he first met the band during a TV show appearance in Manchester with TAKE THAT when he was just 16. Robbie said: “From what I now know, looking back, they were suffering from a little bit of middle-class angst.

“I did feel like I was part of the s*** beneath their shoes for being in a boyband.”

There's a bit of confusion between class angst and artistic angst there, and there's the other possibility that maybe Take That, and Robbie in particular, were annoying back then. ("Back then".)

It all ends up with Robbie wailing that he's the victim here:

He said: “There is a lot of snobbery towards pop music, to me and pop in general — it’s kind of a despised art form.

“There’s a lot of ‘Check out that fat ****, he’d be nothing without GUY CHAMBERS.’

“I’m coming from a place of, ‘Hang on, I’m being picked on here, I don’t like it.’”

Actually, Robbie, pop doesn't need you to defend it; it's like KFC defending Fast Food: might be from the field, but not the best placed to argue the value of what they do.

And put your mind at rest, Robbie. Nobody says you'd be nothing without Guy Chambers. They also acknowledge that you'd be lost without Gary Barlow, too.

Robbie Williams: Now Menswear wade in

After Robbie Williams' attack on second-string indie bands has lead to a major skirmish.

Contactmusic is reporting from the frontline:

Menswear? Star? That's a bit of a stretch, surely?

It's the drummer, Matt Everitt, who has at least had a post-Menswe@r career in radio - he's the only one of the band who has his own Wikipedia page. On this basis, the Times have handed him an op-ed slot to start the fightback:

"I find it amusing that Robbie Williams... can let one comment from Brett Anderson... get his back up... It's quite endearing, but also slightly worrying...

"Menswear weren't manufactured, but I can see why people went on about the whole style over substance thing with us... We actually used to go on stage to Back For Good by Take That, a staggeringly great pop single. In the mid-nineties there wasn't really any rivalry between pop groups and the guitar bands...

"Traditionally your big pop acts allow record labels to invest in guitar bands, because they take longer to develop. Some rock bands take a few albums before they start making money and those tend to be the bands, like U2 and Radiohead, that in the longterm become important and fund everything. It's always been like that."

And that's an important point. It's worth remembering that even when Take That came off the production line, it took them four goes before they managed a hit; some of the bands slated by Williams didn't get given the same space to develop a following before the label pulled the plug.

Also apologising: Robbie Williams

Brett Anderson said something relatively uncontroversial about how in the 1990s, record labels were churning out boybands:

"There has always been cr*p pop music.

I remember when we had all the crap boybands in the 90s — stuff like that has always been around.

The lack of money in the music industry created a crisis.

Record companies don't have the resources to take a gamble, so these pop stars are created by committee."

I think you'd see the point - A1, Blue, 5ive. You could do a list.

Obviously, not everything that came from the conveyor belt was bad - in the same way that some things on sale in Tesco are actually quite toothsome. And it was twenty years ago, so who could possibly get upset?

Step forward the biggest battery hen of them all, Robbie Williams to speak up for the factory farming:

NOW THIS WAS AT THE HEIGHT OF WHAT WAS BRITPOP AND MAINSTREAM INDIE.

RECORD COMPANIES DON'T/DIDN'T HAVE THE RESOURCES TO GAMBLE?

I THINK NOT …

ANY QUARTER-DECENT 3 CHORD KNOBHEADS COULD AND DID GET A DEAL IN THE 90'S ….

I WON'T NAME NAMES COS IT WOULD BE UNFAIR ON

ECHOBELLY, SHED 7, SYMPOSIUM, MENSWEAR, SLEEPER,
HURRICANE NUMBER 1, RIDE, THE BLUETONES (APART FROM THAT ONE SONG),
OCEAN COLOUR SCENE (APART FROM THAT ONE SONG...HANG ON NAH NOT EVEN THAT SONG)
NORTHERN UPROAR, CHAPTERHOUSE, CURVE, SALAD, ADORABLE, CUD, SPACEHOG,
KULA SHAKER, THE AUDIENCE, POWDER, KING MAKER, GENEVA (SUB-SUEDE - CAN YOU IMAGINE?)

-

SHOULD I GO ON? COS I CAN AND THEY SURE FUCKING DID

THERE WERE A FEW SPECIAL INDIE BANDS THEN JUST AS THERE ARE IN EVERY GENERATION ….
AND JUST AS SOME POP BANDS ARE USELESS, SOME ARE MAGNIFICENT IN EVERY GENERATION
I FEEL SORRY FOR THE PEOPLE WHO ARE TOO BIGOTED TO APPRECIATE THE LATTER

THE WORLD'S A LOT MORE EXCITING WITH A ONE DIRECTION IN IT

AND MORE HEARTS WILL GENUINELY RACE AT A NEW 1D ALBUM
THAN THEY EVER HAVE OR WILL AT ANY SUEDE ALBUM IN ANY TIME PERIOD

SORRY ABOUT THE TRUTH

There's something of a major leap from Brett saying "some boybands were crap" to Williams glossing this as Brett dismissing pop in its entirety.

And I'm not even going to start pointing out that a man who cannot see the difference between, say, Kula Shaker and Adorable probably shouldn't be commenting about music at all.

Or that Williams makes a schoolboy error of actually proving Anderson's wider point - yes, more people will be excited by One Direction than by Suede, precisely because that's where the music industry shoves its investment.

Or that Williams' defeated shuffle back to Take That, tail between legs, is an example of Music Industry Attitude in sixty-foot high letters: 'why do something interesting and new when you can shake cash out of the same-old, same-old'?

Let's just skip to the damage limitation post from a short while later:

ON CLOSER INSPECTION RE MY LAST BLOG
IT WOULD APPEAR THAT I'VE GONE OFF ON TANGENT NOT ENTIRELY
CREATED BY MR BRETT ANDERSON OF POP COMBO SUEDE

IT WON'T BE THE LAST TIME THAT THIS HAPPENS
AND IT FELT GOOD TO GET IT OFF MY CHEST

THANK YOU BRETT… SUEDE'S NEW ALBUM BLOODSPORTS OUT NOW ….
IT'S GOOD TOO…

Yes, a multimillionaire really, really needed to spurt a little bile into the faces of the members of Symposium. I can see how their low-twenties chart career must have been eating away at you for the last two decades.

Gordon in the morning: Star of the Brits 2013 says Brits was boring

This morning, Robbie Williams is expanding on how dull the Brits were:

He said: “It’s a lot of back-slapping."

Yes, Robbie. An industry-created awards ceremony handing out awards to people selected by the industry, mainly designed to increase sales would tend to consist of back-slapping. That's surely not news to you, is it? The Brits have been running like this since 1977.

Do you have a counterplan, Mr Williams?

I think people should be entertained.

Actually, for the Brits that does sound like a pretty out-there idea.

It's not clear if Williams has yet thought through the implications of his 'there's no Santa' moment - if he has yet to realise the constant booking and feting of Take That & himself is a major symptom of the problem.

“I was backstage and it was dead — it might as well have been a dentists’ convention."

Actually, a dentists' convention might have been a bit more interesting, as it wouldn't have been the same bloody dentists who turn up to every possible event of this sort. Watching root canal work might be preferable to watching Emeli Sande traipse through the album again.

Williams then goes on to list the same list of things that everyone lists when they say how great the Brits were:

I’m from 1996 and 1997 where there was CHUMBAWAMBA throwing a bucket of water in JOHN PRESCOTT’s face...

That was a thing that wasn't really "entertaining" for the audience as it wasn't shown as part of the ceremony.

or JARVIS COCKER getting up on stage and then being thrown off when MICHAEL JACKSON was on

Again, that didn't entertain people directly, as by the time the awards show was made to air, Jarvis' stage invasion had been edited out.

Or OASIS being nasty to MICHAEL HUTCHENCE

Wasn't that a bloke who was living in the 1960s objecting to getting a prize from a man famous in the 1980s? On a par with, say, a dental surgeon refusing to accept a prize handed out by a hygienist.

or me offering LIAM GALLAGHER out

Nobody other than you even remembers that happening, Robbie.

The trouble with this is that the incidents he mentions - mostly - happened during the height of the control-freakery period, when they didn't even show the programme live lest something happen. You can't force 'things' to occur, and if you try... well, you'll end up with James Corden presiding over a dental convention.

Gordon in the morning: He wasn't mod enough for me

I know what leaves you unable to sleep at night. Why, you wonder, why did Robbie Williams ever fall out with Oasis?

Wonder no more. Indeed, if you will, Wonderwall no more. Gordon has the answer:

ROBBIE WILLIAMS says he fell out with OASIS in the Nineties because he wasn’t “mod” enough.

Really? Not being mod enough for Oasis is a bit like not being gourmet enough for Charlie, The Little Chef.

But Robbie, it seems, is convinced - why, how could he hope to fly so close to such a band?

Liam’s voice was the voice of a generation

No, it wasn't.

and Noel seemed to be writing the songs of a generation

It would be churlish to just dimiss this with curt 'no he wasn't'; on the strength of the first album, you could say that Noel did seem to have something of a knack for crystalising something, and at the time Williams was fawning round the band like a bear trying to wrestle his way into a bin full of sausages, you could forgive someone for thinking that might be the case.

They were our Beatles for around 18 months.

Again, the temptation is to just snort at this - but, of course, snorting is what led to a bunch of people believing this to be true in the first place.

However, if you look again at what Williams has just said there, you'll notice that he's turning the knife, which makes that "seemed to" when talking about Noel seem less an accident of phrasing and deliberately, delicately putting the boot in.

Because The Beatles, if they are anything, did not have a time period slapped on them. Being "The Beatles for 18 months" is like being God for a fortnight - if you don't transcend your time, you're doing it wrong.

Gordon seems to think Williams is praising Oasis; in fact, he's very gently, and somewhat sweetly, putting them in their place.

Dodgy tenners

Exciting news from the NME:

The Beatles, Mick Jagger and Robbie Williams are among the names being considered to appear on the new £10 banknote, it has been revealed.

Except, that's not quite true. What has happened is the Bank Of England has released a list of 150 names which have been suggested by members of the public as brilliant ideas for who should be on the ten pound note.

The NME might believe this is the BOE considering the names; I suspect the real reason the list has been released is so that people can snigger at the stupidity of suggesting gurning old Williams being in every pocket in the land.