The end of a long, historical mistake

Oh, we have waited for this moment:

Beady Eye are no longer. Thanks for all your support. LGx

— Liam Gallagher (@liamgallagher) October 25, 2014

Can it really be true? Can we get a second source?

Thanks to all the Beady Eye fans. I had a blast. See you on the other side. Big Love Andy B X

— Andy Bell (@Andybebop) October 25, 2014

Beady Eye formed when the leftovers of Oasis weren't thrown away quickly enough and started to become semi-sentient.

The hope is that Liam is now going to throw himself into his expensive trouser shops; the fear is that decks are being cleared to allow Oasis fans to be shaken down for a few quid on a reunion tour.

Gordon in the morning: Gallagher rumbles on

Good news for Gordon - so far, it looks like Dan Wootton hasn't been given any more days of the week to be in charge of showbiz.

This means Gordon can turn again to that battle of wits, or portions thereof, between Liam Gallagher and Robbie Williams.

About six years after Williams had the last word, Liam has come up with a response.

You might recall Williams suggested that Liam think about adding choruses to his song. Sadly, Liam's not going to take that lying down:

“We didn’t make a record to satisfy some requirements, this was our project. Robbie Williams said the record’s good but the songs have no chorus. I’d rather shoot myself in the balls than follow his advice."

Just the balls, mind.

The idea that Beady Eye sprang from some sort of project, almost deconstructionist in its scope, to satisfy no requirements is a surprise. You'd have expected something a little more astonishing if that really was the case, but maybe it's like when you first let rescue birds out a cage, and they just hang around where they know because they don't know how to roam free.

Sorry, Liam, you were saying?

“I do not listen to other music, so I don’t get my inspiration from anybody else, but maybe I should buy an iPod.”

An iPod. Bless. Maybe he'll look into buying a fax machine and getting Ceefax too.

But Liam, your claim that you don't listen to other music is a lie, and not even an interesting one, given how you were praising Emeli Sande the other day.
Meanwhile, Beady Eye have been asked to change the cover of their record because it has nipples on it.

Liam pretends to be anything other than delighted that anyone has even noticed he's got a record out:

Liam said: “Everyone has nipples, they could have put tape on it if they had to.”

... after all, it's not like any shop is going to have many copies; it'd only take a minute or so, right?

I think the real tragedy for Liam is that, if there has been an angry battle being fought over the oh-so-obvious 'put a tit on the sleeve, generate some publicity' move, nobody seems to have noticed that, either.

Gordon concludes this dash through the mind of Mr G by capturing his reaction to the cool response to the album from people who got past the sleeve:

He’s also not been best pleased by some of the reviews it’s had.

He added: “Ultimately the only thing I care about is how people react to the live shows.”

Good mantra to live by.

It's not really a good mantra to live by, though, is it? I suppose many bands past their prime do continue to make a decent living from touring, but given that Gallagher is already edging into "and do you have a smaller auditorium available" booking territory, "making a record which sells some copies" might be a better mantra to live by.

Still: Liam doesn't care what people say about the record.

Which is surprising news, since about four paragraphs back he was preparing to shoot his own balls off in response to, erm, Robbie William's capsule review.

Glastonbury 2013: How did Beady Eye do?

Yesterday, as if the story of Wayne Rooney turning up with a box of Tesco Vodka and a Pot Noodle wasn't enough to convince you that Glastonbury isn't officially dead, Beady Eye turned up to "open" the festival.

Except they were over on the Other Stage, so it wasn't really opening anything. As initiations go, it's on a par with 'first person to buy a blanket at Joe Bananas'.

You'd have to conclude that what happened here was that the appropriate slot for Liam and his Rest Of Oasis to play would have been so far down the bill that this "surprise" opening slot was a compromise that soothed Gallagher's ego without having to move more successful or interesting groups off the stage later.

But what did people think?

Tim Jonze for the Guardian particularly liked the covers of Oasis songs:

Beady Eye tracks such as The Roller are, it has to be said, shown up by the former bands' glories, but closing track Bring the Light matches their peaks for sheer verve at least.

The NME report was, erm, surprisingly factual:

Playing a set heavy on material from their latest album 'BE', they began with 'Flick Of The Finger', one of a few songs to employ trumpets and saxophones in an effort to recreate the album's psychedelic sound.

I'm presuming that sentence didn't require someone to solve a CAPTCHA before publishing it.

The Guernsey Press And Star captured Gallagher as he twisted about, trying to reconcile the last eight years he's spent boring on about how the Festival was terrible with turning up to start things on one of the secondary stages. Why, Liam declares, he hasn't changed. It must be Glastonbury that's changed:

Liam said the festival had got better, crediting the organisers for its success. “It’s Michael Eavis, isn’t it, and the family who run it,” he said. “They put a lot of work into it.”

If only they'd been involved in 2004, eh, Liam?

Gordon in the morning: Of course Robbie has responded

After yesterday's whining from Liam Gallagher because Robbie Williams can still draw an audience, today Williams has launched a counter slavo.

It's like a few weeks ago when Nigel Lawson popped up to share his opinions on something. He was very angry but... it was like listening to someone having an argument down the street and round the corner. As is this spat.

Still, kudos to Robbie for focusing where it hurts most - the music:

Robbie said: “The interviews are better than the records at the minute. I really enjoy the interviews. Liam is like an episode of Star Stories.” He then laid into some of the songs on new Beady Eye album BE, saying: “The production is really good. There are a couple of tunes that would have been f***ing amazing if they had a chorus.

“Flick Of The Finger, nearly a great tune. Start Anew, if that had a chorus, but there is no chorus.”

Seriously, though, lads: It's reached the stage now like the sixth of seventh time Ken Barlow and Mike Baldwin went at on Corrie. It's starting to look less like a feud, and more like codependency.

Gordon in the morning: Liam's humiliation

It's obviously humiliating for Liam Gallagher that in Manchester - Manchester - Beaky Eye are only able to book gigs in the size of room you'd hire for the funeral tea for an unpopular Uncle.

You know what you might want to not do in those circumstances? Come across like a whiny boo-hoo, complaining and drawing attention to your reduced circumstances by pointing at another act who is doing so much better than you.

When did Liam ever get it right, though?

Gordon Smart bottles the bitterness:

Liam lost his rag as his band BEADY EYE played Manchester’s 1,500-capacity Ritz while Robbie chalked off another sold-out show in front of 60,000 at Manchester City’s home ground.

Williams is playing three nights there. Given that Gallagher has drawn attention to the difference, remember that he'd have to play a solid four months of gigs at the Ritz to reach the same number of fans Williams is playing to in Manchester.

Speaking on 5 Live, [Gallagher] ranted: “We should be playing the Etihad three nights (sic), not some f***ing fat f***ing idiot.

Quite why Gallagher believes he has a right to play in the Man City ground isn't clear, but given the size of his audience, he certainly could. He could even do it the same night as Williams plays - Robbie in the main part of the stadium; Captain Beaky could take on the kit room.

But as his consciousness streams, Gallagher realises who the real villans are. People. People who steadfastly refuse to give a flying fuck about his twilight band:

“Poor, mate. It’s not about him, it’s people in general. But it is about f***ing him, just in case you think I’m scared or something.

“It’s a small gig. Beady Eye ain’t a big band.

“Everyone thinks we’re going to announce big f***ing stadiums. That (The Ritz) is the level we’re at and we’ll stay at that until you pull your f***ing finger out and buy the f***ing records.”

You know what, Liam? If you want people to buy your records, you might want to try making them... well, let's start with 'not lazy shit', shall we?

Admitting, tangentially, that nobody's interested in Beady Eye

There's little surprise that Beady Eye are trying to interest fans by the prospect of playing some songs people might know:

The Liam Gallagher-fronted rock band will dust off tracks made famous by the singer's previous band with brother Noel Gallagher on their UK tour, which kicked off in Manchester yesterday (19.06.13).
Pondering which songs they may play, guitarist Gem Archer is quoted by The Sun newspaper as saying: ''They're always there and we know that we can use them. I'm sure a lot of fans would want to hear them. 'Hung in a Bad Place' would be a good one live, as would 'The Meaning of Soul'.

Yeah, or, you know: the hits. The Oasis hits.

You could also try billing yourself like this:
Liam Gallagher out of
Oasis
and the Beady Eyes

Beady Eye: How goes the sales?

Let's check-in with Sister Ray, shall we?

Still waiting for customers to buy the #Beadyeye album. Few sales so far. We may have to dump the lot in a plague pit.

— Phil Barton (@recordshopman) June 12, 2013

Oh.

Liam Gallagher buys some slippers

It's okay, Liam Gallagher, it's okay:

He said: ''[Rock groups like] Palma Violets don't do it for me, and I'm not having that Peace, man. There's something about them that's not my thing.

''It's sad out there man, There's nobody to have a pop at any more, which is very f***ing disturbing. I like Emeli f***ing Sande. I think she's cool man. Bruno Mars' new single is mega, that ballady one on the piano.''

You're a middle-aged man. It's alright, Liam.

Maybe if you started to make the music you like, rather than a half-arsed attempt to sound like the music you made when you were young, you might start to be more comfortable in yourself.

Look, Liam: Elasticated slacks. Why not make an order, Liam? Go on.

Gordon in the morning: In which Mr Smart attends an album playback

Beady Eye have, thrillingly, unveiled their new album to a crowd in a dingy room beneath a Soho flophouse (sorry, a "cinema beneath the posh Soho Hotel"; I forgot they only pretend to be a rock band these days.)

Gordon's written a review so gushing that when he says "Austin Powers would love this track", he's saying that like it's a good thing.

But he also appends Liam's own evaluation of the songs. Which really tells you all you need to know:

Fookin’ tune, man
You’re welcome!
Have that! Tune!
F****n’ tune!
Come on! What a tune.
Have a go on that!
Have it! Tune!
F***ing tune!

The most important thing to note is that two tracks there's no Gallagher, um, insight into because he went to the toilet. Twice. Either he's already bored to tears with the record, or his bladder's giving out and he would have said some combination of fuck, tune, and have.

Anyone surprised that he's even incoherent and lazy when talking about his own work? Anyone?

Gordon in the morning: Liam Gallagher could have deffo written that

Here comes Liam Gallagher. I'll ask him what he thinks about recent records. What do you mean, I shouldn't? What could be the harm?

Liam, did you like Get Lucky by Daft Punk?

“I’d write that in a f***ing hour. I don’t know what the fuss is about, you know what I mean? It’s like f**k off, give me a f**king break.”

To be fair, it might sound like Liam is dismissing Daft Punk here, but given the first Beady Eye album appears to have been written in about fifteen minutes, so he might be suggesting it'd take a lot of work to construct the song.

Still, Liam, the idea of a mysterious band must entertain you, surely?

“I am not going to have people wear disguises."

Oh.

“Take your f**king helmet off. Let’s see what you look like sans helmet, whatever you’re called.”

To which Daft Punk replied "well, why don't you take your helmet off? Oh, because it's your hair." Probably.

Gordon in the morning: The rich man in his castle, the poor man at his gate

Liam Gallagher has got a problem:

Liam said: “This tramp kept hassling me at my house.

“I know he’s been a problem for other people round our way. He was ringing on our buzzer early in the morning and kept asking if I would pay for his pay-as-you-go phone. Proper mad.

“The final straw was when he started messing with my recycling bins. I’m a bit anal about my recycling and he ended up shoving his crutches in my bin.

“I came out and squared up to him and he had a bit of a go.

“Put it this way, I don’t think he’ll be coming back round my way again.”

Multi-millionaire "squares up" to homeless person who he suggests has mental health problems. What a hero, eh?

Gordon in the morning: Liam threatens to quit

Liam Gallagher. Well known for writing verbal cheques that bounce, and I fear this one will prove equally valueless, but he's threatening to quit if... something:

He said: “If we’re barking up the wrong tree with this record, I don’t know if I can be ar*ed with barking up it again.

“I’ll never be a plumber, I’ll never be a fashion designer.

“Maybe I’d just sail off into the distance and enjoy my life, instead of worrying about what some spotty little t*** from Hastings thinks about the record.”

Oh, people's poet, don't die.

Happily for Liam, there's no actual description of what success would look like, and there's enough middle-aged Oasis fans who will be delighted with another chunk of more of the same to count BE as a glorious success.

And even if you look to sales, with Different Gear, Still Speeding, Do You See The Subtle DRUG References only managing to scrape to 140,000 copies in two years, even a mild retail success could be seen as a marvellous result.

Much as I'd love to see Liam exit, pursued by spoty youths from Hastings, I fear these words will merely be forgotten as he grimly ploughs on to the difficult third album.

Liam Gallagher's kids are, it turns out, typical kids

Here's some heartwarming news: Liam Gallagher's children are like other children:

He said: ''It's got to the stage where my kids sneak off and go, 'You're not walking with me man.' I'm like, 'Hey, I'm a f***ing cool dad!' 'No you're not.' 'I f***ing am. All your mates think I'm cool anyway...' 'They think you're a bit of a d**k actually' It seems I've got a lot of work to do.''

It's not entirely clear what "work" Liam plans to make himself seem cool to thirteen year-olds; I'm hoping it's wearing a baseball cap back-to-front and using teen slang all the time.

Gordon in the morning: We've already established what you are, Liam Gallagher, now we're just haggling about price

Liam Gallagher has opened negotiations for an Oasis comeback:

he said: “Listen, it’ll happen when it happens, but it ain’t a f***ing game — it’s the real deal.

“I read a lot of people going, ‘Oh, it’s just a blag, innit? So they can get some more noughts on their big f***ing comeback.’

“But I’m still me and he’s gonna be him.

“I ain’t changing for a million f***ing pounds... I might do it for £30million.”

So, an opening of thirty million. I'm suggesting a kickstarter to raise forty million, to be used to buy a guarantee of no reunion, and also for Beaky Eye shutting up shop as well.

Gordon in the morning: Liam Gallagher applauds treating fans like rubbish

I'm sure somewhere in the middle of this, Liam Gallagher thinks he's making some sort of hilarious joke:

LIAM GALLAGHER has started getting his excuses in for BEADY EYE’s new album title, BE.
And, strangely enough, he’s putting the blame on JUSTIN BIEBER.
Liam said: “My theory is that it’s gonna have BE on the cover, and then on the back I-E-B-E-R.
“Biiiiieee-ber! I’ve got his f****** back, man.”

Obviously, having lumbered the album with such a clunky title - not even working up the being arsedness to make it self-titled - there's got to be a creation myth. This isn't it.

Hang on, though: there's more:

Liam also defended Bieber after the little trumpet went on stage late at The O2 arena last month, claiming more bands should do the same.

He said: “Anyone who goes on two hours late is f****** right in my book, man.

“All these so-called rock bands that sit backstage going, ‘Hey, let’s wait 15 minutes’.

“F*** that, wait two hours and 15 minutes! No one will beat that, ever.

“So get off his back, man — I am a Belieber!”

To be honest, Liam, if you want to linger out backstage indefinitely, I don't think anyone would much mind.

Gordon in the morning: Liam Gallagher at 40

Today, Liam Gallagher turns 40, and Gordon is in a laudatory mood:

THERE is only one man truly qualified to pass comment on Liam Gallagher. His brother Noel.

Despite Gordon kicking off with this claim, he then proceeds to pass comment, and then invites Alan McGee to do the same. Despite admitting that neither he nor McGee are actually qualified so to do.

Smart trots out the usual "one of the best frontmen in music history" line (which, if you're mostly going to see The Spice Girls and Kasabian, is probably the sort of thing you'd genuinely believe) and then shares an anecdote through which we can get the measure of the man:

Jon McClure, from band Reverend And The Makers, told me: “When we supported Oasis, Liam asked me what my favourite type of peas was. I said garden. He said, ‘Don’t you like mushy?’ I said, ‘No, I prefer garden.’ He said, ‘You’re all right, you are.’ I think that’s how he susses folk out.”

It's interesting that although Smart has met Gallagher frequently, he has to fall back on someone else's anecdote. Even if it's one that doesn't really mean anything; a profile built on a throwaway story about a throwaway line.

Gordon does offer one story about meeting Liam. The scene is him, talking with Noel:

By that point I knew Noel quite well. Liam bowled over and said: “You’re mates with arr kid, right? As far as I’m concerned, you’re a c*** in a nice coat.”

Arr kid? Arr kid? Did this happen on talk like a pirate day?

Still, we've at least established that Liam is a pretty good judge of character.

McGee's piece is actually quite sweet, sharing a story about how - after McGee's return from his drug hell - Liam was the first person to talk to him in a normal way:

Even people from my own record company, Creation, didn’t know what to say. But Liam was the one to say, “Are you all right?” For that I will always love him.

He warns us that Gallagher will be playing in a band until he dies. Happy birthday, Liam, and heaven help us all.

Gordon in the morning: Noel Gallagher is kind of a dick

Obviously, we'd all have been a lot happier if Captain Beaky And The Beady Eyes hadn't turned up to do an Oasis cover in the middle of the Olympic Closing Ceremony, but given it was going to happen anyway, Noel Gallagher was kind of a dick about the whole thing. Gordon's copied down the story from Danny Wallace's XFM show:

The former Oasis star only gave his blessing for a re-worked version of Wonderwall to be included at 10pm on the Friday night before the big London gig on Sunday.
[...]
[Noel said] “I took it to Friday night at 10pm before I said yes and they were s******* it. Not Beady Eye but the organisers.”

Ha ha, that will have shown Liam, erm, something, right? Never mind it's dicking round the hundreds of people trying to pull together the show. Do they give hollow gold medals for pyrrhic victories?

We are now, by the way, firmly in the bit where Noel is desperately trying to stress that he was asked, you know, but turned it down:

Noel said: “I asked who else is playing and they said, ‘I can’t tell you. You’ve got to sign a confidentiality agreement’. It’s like it’s the Iran nuclear programme or something.

Noel struggling with the concept of surprise a little, there.

The latest reason for not bothering is they wanted him to mime, apparently:

“But if you’re in a stadium with 80,000 people and you’re pretending... I said I could play live and one of the organisers said, ‘It’s a big gig’ and I was like, ‘Really? I do this for a living’.

Most of the millions who watched the event will never hear Noel's wheezy "yeah, they wanted me to do it, but I didn't" pleading, you know.

Gordon in the morning: May the Olympics never end

No, seriously, I want the Olympic games to run forever. Without a finish; without the need to have a closing ceremony.

Because Beady sodding Eye have been booked to do an Oasis cover just before the mayor of Rio gets the big flag.

Gordon in the morning: Cash in the Oasis attic

How does Noel Gallagher feel when Beady Eye play Oasis songs? He's not worried, he claims:

“Beady Eye have my permission to play my songs and they should do whatever they like.

"I say he should go around the world, do those songs and fill out the PRS (performing rights) forms.”

Hmm. I know Noel is attempting a brave face here, but does he realise it makes him sound like he's on his uppers, desperately hoping Liam might knock out a live version of Wonderwall so he can afford a can of beans for tea?

Gordon in the morning: Gallagher's gob

Liam Gallagher. You forget, between word-splurges, how tiresome he is, don't you?

Gallagher told NME: "Adam and the Ants? No. Not into a geezer who wears make-up. Especially f***ing nutty ones. And tell him 'You're not the only **** who's off his t*ts.'"

MIND and others have sighed, and pointed out to him that throwing words like "nutty" around about people with mental health problems is a cruel. So let's just look at the other half of his statement - that he ignores Adam Ant because he wears make-up.

Apart from being the sort of thing you don't much hear outside of 1970s sitcom fathers, it's such a musically ignorant statement you'd expect it to be coming from someone who... well, makes records like Beady Eye do.

On the other hand, there might be an argument for avoiding inept wearers of make-up:

Liam Gallagher has taken to dyeing his hair and wearing eyeliner, according to brother Noel. "I think he's trying to head off old age but it'll catch him," explained the guitarist.

Old age might catch him; it's unlikely to bring its usual wisdom, though.