I wish I was on Ken Bruce (With rotation on Jo Whiley)

Sandi Thom's heart-string-tugging video complaining that she wasn't on Radio 2 got a bit overshadowed by events last weekend.

To be fair, 'Sandi Thom posts self-pitying video to Facebook' is the sort of story which would have been overshadowed by reports of a fifteen-minute delay to services on the Cambridge guided busway, so it's not surprising her pleas for fairness didn't get full attention as stories started to come in from Paris.

Thom has, in case you missed it, pulled a Status Quo, assuming she had some sort of divine right to be on Radio 2's playlist with her new single. Her birthright denied her, she has elected to stop making music (or, in other words, bring her life into line with the position we'd assumed she'd reached several years back):

“I am done with this industry. I am fucking sick and tired of having to sit on the edge of my seat waiting for these people to come back and tell me their verdict of whether this song is going to be a success,” she said in the video, which was later taken down from the social network.

"Honest to God I'm fucking sick to death of the bullshit this industry pulls on people like me and I've had it. Enough. I'm done.

"Fuck you Radio 2. Fuck you Bauer network and fuck the lot of you."

The suggestion that maybe she might try to make a better single next time seems to have passed her by.

Are Radio 2 being unfair? Not really; Thom hasn't released a single since 2013; she hasn't scraped the top 40 singles since 2006; and nobody's bothered to update the list of her albums on Wikipedia since 2012. It's not really Radio 2 saying that the new record won't be a success; it's the form book.

What's especially toothsome about this whole thing is that Thom was launched - well, relaunched - as a vanguard of How The Internet Changes Things, with those live stream sessions in her basement online years back. I say "her basement" - notably, the basement was constructed on the same backlot they used to fake the moon landings. But to go from sitting on MySpace disrupting the music industry to swearing on Facebook because the music industry has disrupted you back is the circle of life.

As you'd expect, Thom has received a backlash, some of which has been bullying and unfair, some of it fair comment. Thom seems vaguely surprised there was any response at all. She told The National:

“A lot of the people commenting were men and a lot of them, which is sad to me, were Scottish.

I'm not sure Thom really would prefer it if people who didn't like her came exclusively from Wales.

“It has been mad. I had to tell myself not to take a lot of it personally. I have been here before and I didn’t do anything to deserve it – it just feels like ‘round two, ding ding’. It’s tough for my family – my mum has really struggled with reading some of the things about me.

That must be hard, and - this being the internet - a lot of people went too far, too harshly, and too quickly. But...

Thom, who plays in London tonight, added: “I’m pretty outspoken, I don’t tend to teeter round the edges and smile in all the right places. It’s easier to say nothing than it is to speak out.

You can't, surely, put a video out telling the BBC, the commercial networks and "the lot of you" to get fucked, and praise yourself for being blunt speaking and unafraid to take a stand, while also complaining that people take a stand back at you, can you?

“I was called a brat – I’ve worked my arse off for years and these people don’t appreciate that. They don’t know about my life and how hard I’ve worked.

But this is, sadly, irrelevant. The guy who plays the drums night after night after night on a cabaret cruise liner is also working really hard in music, but that doesn't mean that Chris Evans should have him on the programme to drum. And if you're putting so much effort in, and not getting anywhere... well, it's harsh, but maybe you're wasting that effort?

“I don’t know how many people have messaged me privately and said they agree, but they won’t say it publicly. Everybody shoots the messenger.”

This is a lovely - the implication that there might be thousand upon thousand of secret Thom supporters, quivering in seclusion; uncountable even to Thom such are their numbers.

It might have been better if she'd not accidentally implied that she'd shot the people who had contacted her via Messenger, but let's set that aside and just breathe in that claim:

Everybody shoots the messenger.

This is often true; but it's a phrase usually used when a person has attempted to reveal something unpleasant but important. Thom seems to think that "waaah waaah Radio 2 won't play my song" is a communication on a par with the dangers of thalidomide, or the risk of global warming, or bullying in the Tory Party, or sexual misconduct in the Liberal Democrats.

She seems to be saying that the people who responded to her video by comparing her to Les from Creme Brulee are punishing her because the truth that Jeremy Vine won't be cueing her up to lead into a discussion of the Autumn Spending Review is a truth too harsh for us to look at directly.

Maybe time will prove her right.

(It won't.)

Joe Elliott doesn't like streaming services

Streaming services, amirite? They're like the work of a demon. A minor demon, perhaps, but a demon nevertheless. Tell us why, Joe:

"I signed up for the Apple one, Beats. It's kind of semi-evil, because whoever owns Spotify is worth more than 50 times than Mick Jagger, who's been in this business for 50 years. And that's just not right.

Mick Jagger, according to The Richest, is worth 360 Million Dollars. So to be worth fifty times that, you would have to be an eighteen-fold billionaire. 18 billion is roughly the GDP of Honduras.

Just to be clear: Daniel Ek is not Honduras. In fact, according to Time, he's worth 300 Million Dollars, which puts him behind Mick Jagger in terms of wealth.

Obviously, the point Joe was trying to make was that it seems absurd that a person who works in the tech industry is worth a lot of money compared with someone who works in the music industry for fifty years.

Although that doesn't make sense generally: it's not like the tech industry away from music is known for being a place where the bosses take home tiny pay packets.

It also doesn't make any sense in this specific case. First of all, it could be possible that Mick Jagger had just invested incredibly badly, or had been generous with his money.

Secondly, although Mick has been in the industry fifty years, Ek's not exactly a newcomer - he started when he was 14, so nearly twenty years, and he made a fortune selling his first advertising business. So it's not like he's built his money up entirely from not making Mick Jagger even richer.

Also: both these people have obscene amounts of money. Even if Daniel Ek was fifty times richer than Jagger, that would mean Jagger had six million dollars. You can buy a bionic man with that.

But you had a point, Joe, to make:

Because when you read stories about Lady Gaga getting 127 dollars for 60 trillion plays, or whatever, you're thinking, this is bullshit.

Well, yes, there were stories five years ago that GaGag got USD127 for a million streams - it's funny that Elliott was spot-on with the amount there, when so many of his other figures are grossly overestimated in favour of his argument, but then I think we all know people in our own jobs who do that.

But why was GaGa doing so poorly out of streaming? Not because of the semi-evil streaming services, but because of the fully evil record labels:

[In] some explosive comments made by Gaga's ex-manager Troy Carter. Carter states that Gaga's label, Universal Music, cheated the artist out of streaming royalties due to her from Spotify and other streaming services during the height of her pop popularity.

Carter, who is no longer handling Gaga's career but is active as a music and technology entrepreneur and investor, said, "We've always gotten screwed from record royalties ... So when you look at it, the live business and the merchandise business have always been the bigger piece of the pie. And with record labels, I think it's more of just chickens coming home to roost. Well, let's rephrase that: labels made a significant amount of money off of Spotify that didn't match up to the artist royalty statements ..."

How evil of Spotify to, erm, not be party to the main point where artists are getting ripped off.

Anything else, Joe? Do you perhaps have an "I can remember when it was all trees round here" argument to offer?

And when you get on Spotify, it's very insular. Which the whole industry has become. Everybody is on headphones now. It's just Zombieland, and we're all guilty of it. I do it too, but only when it's necessary, like on an airplane.

Yes. People listening to music on headphones. In the old days, people used to go to their bedrooms to be insular and listen to music. How can Spotify have ruined that by, erm, inventing headphones or something or... what?

Gene Simmons doesn't hold with all this modern stuff

Gene Simmons took time out from shouting at clouds to have a little rage at file sharing for killing rock. Let's hear him out, shall we?:

"The next KISS of the next BEATLES or whoever it is is not gonna come along, because there is no infrastructure. Here… Let's play a game. From 1958 until 1988 is thirty years. What have we got? Well, let's see… We have Elvis Presley, THE BEATLES, THE [ROLLING] STONES, Jimi Hendrix… the biggest bands of all time. And then in disco, you had Madonna, Donna Summer… all that. The biggest of all. And then in pop, you had Michael Jackson, THE JACKSON 5… all that stuff… and U2. And in heavy metal, you had METALLICA and IRON MAIDEN and all that stuff. Okay. And Prince and all that… From 1988 until today… give me the new BEATLES and the new STONES. Give me just one. You can't. Rock is dead. And the reason for that? Downloading and filesharing. When you stop charging for things, it becomes worthless. And there's gonna have to be a business model that's gonna have to change.

I suppose it's hard to argue that if you don't charge for something, it becomes worthless in a strict financial sense, but I'd have really liked to have heard from Simmons how filesharing stopped bands generating during the 1990s, before it became a thing. Maybe it's just such an evil force that it travels out in time in all directions.

Or, perhaps, rock started to look tired because people who had made some records ten, twenty, thirty years previously stuck around flogging branded merchandise off their reputation and strangled a lot of the creativity in the scene. What do you think, Gene?

Or, maybe, if you're looking for a 21st Century Madonna, and don't immediately think Beyonce, you're just too far from what's going on. Maybe discounting the whole R&B scene, maybe not thinking Kanye or Jay-Z are as culturally relevant as deep-reaching... maybe the problem is that you don't really recognise what the heirs of Presley look like, Gene.

'Cause there are great bands out there, but there's no support system." He continued: "You know, there's a ten-thousand-hour principle [the principle which holds that 10,000 hours of 'deliberate practice' are needed to become world-class in any field]. There's a book about that. Before THE BEATLES went into the studio to become THE BEATLES, they played clubs for ten thousand hours. That's years. You have to do something for thousands and thousands of hours before you get any good on it.

You're right, Gene, there is a book about the 10,000 hours theory. There's also - far more significantly - a study into it. It's bollocks.

Nowadays, instant gratification means you can hum in your shower, then wind up on 'The X Factor' and you're on television and you get a recording contract. But almost none of these singers who get recording contracts become huge. And that's because the taller the tree, the deeper the root that needs to be in the ground to hold up all that weight. So if you have a tree with no roots [makes falling hand motion]." Simmons added: "I love the new pop singers. I love Taylor Swift and Katy Perry. I've met them both. They're all great and talented… What's gonna happen when you're 40 and 50? Will it still work? That's the test of time."

What's beautiful here is Simmons suddenly realising that he's completely undermined his own argument by remembering Taylor Swift, so decides that she doesn't count as we don't known what she'll be doing in twenty years. Swift has been a jobbing musician for eleven years already, which means she's already been going for a year longer than The Beatles managed. Despite her career having happened entirely post-Napster.

But, still, always interesting to hear from you Gene. Good to know the opinions of the leader in the Branded Rock Merchandise Market.

Sam Smith still complaining about pop stars

You'll recall the last time we came across Sam Smith, he was telling Chaka Khan how terrible modern pop stars (apart from him) are.

He's still banging that particular drum, this time wailing to GQ about how awful they all are:

“I won’t name names, but I will never act like some of the current pop stars have acted toward me,” he tells GQ. “We can be friends, you know? We can. It’s not a competition. There’s space for all of us. There’s always space for good music.”

I don't know what 'good music' has to do with how people relate to Sam Smith; it's a bit like the Burger King complaining he can't find a space to open a branch in town suddenly talking about how there's always room for fine dining.

But why won't existing pop stars worshipembrace Smith as one of their own?

Maybe because he says things like this:

The explanation comes after he says he wants to be a pop star, “but I also don’t want to be a pop star.

“You know, I want to be the biggest star in the world, but I also want to maintain the soulfulness. I don’t want to lose my mind or my humor.”

"I want to maintain the soulfulness".

Interesting, by the way, to see a man who uses any public platform he stumbles onto to wail about how all the other kids are so mean insisting that he doesn't want to lose his senses of humour or perspective.

Noel Gallagher: Class act

Noel Gallagher - you'll remember him, he used to appear in that glitzy gossipy Sunday Times column written by his then-wife Meg Matthews about their life in whatever part of London it was - is complaining that there aren't enough working class types in the charts these days. He blames other people:

"Music is very middle class, I’d have eaten Bastille alive in an afternoon in the '90s, one interview, destroyed, gone, never to be heard of again. Easy, had ‘em for breakfast. My bass player summed it up, we’re constantly saying, 'Where is the next band coming from?' and he rightly says, 'Never mind the band, where are the people?'

"When I first started I wanted to get in the charts and wreck it, like stamp Phil Collins out and Wet Wet Wet, they've got to go, and all that '80s gear, we don't need that anymore. I don't see anything from the working class, I just don’t see it."

Ah, yes. Gallagher's war on Wet Wet. So successful that was that, after just three Oasis albums and three years of Gallagher activity, Wet Wet Wet's 1997 album 10 only managed to limp to, erm, number two in the album charts spawning just two top ten singles. And the destroyed Phil Collins only managed to sell a million copies of 2002's Testify so much damage had been inflicted upon him by Gallagher's sharp tongue.

Apparently, this is all the Arctic Monkeys and Kasabian's fault:

"Well you only have to look at the charts, what happened at the end of the '90s, all those bands used to be in the Top Ten, like us, Manic, Pulp, The Verve, Suede and Blur, and I think bands like that have been marginalised and side-lined," he replied. "There's X Factor and all that kind of thing, can you name me the last great band that came out of this country? There's not really been any great bands in the last 10 years."

When it was put to him that One Direction might be considered great in terms of their global success and fame, Gallagher added: "They're not a band, they’re a group and good luck to those lads. Arctic Monkeys and Kasabian, that's ten years ago now and shame on those two bands for a start because they didn't inspire anybody else. The working classes have not got a voice anymore, there doesn't seem to be a noise coming from the council estates, you know what I mean?"

It doesn't seem to enter Noel's head for a moment that there are other possibilities - that for kids growing up now, making fifth-wave Beatles echoes might not be inspiring because there are other, better uses of their time; or that there's always been a talent-show-to-fame path that working class people have followed and the X Factor isn't really anything new in that respect; or there's actually a really vibrant music scene full of people of backgrounds less comfortable than Gallagher's which he doesn't think is there because it's neither about him, nor for him. (Clue, Noel: it's the latter.)

The saddest thing - and were he not such an anal chapstick you might even feel a bit sorry for Noel - is that he's sat on his comfy sofa, reliving the war on Phil Collins, blissfully unaware than for a a kid turning 16 this year, he's their Phil Collins.

Glastonbury 2014: James Arthur was absent

A bit from last week's Glastonbury to mop up - you've doubtless spent the last seven days ploughing through the BBC coverage trying to find out a set by James Arthur. But there doesn't seem to be one.

It's almost as if he wasn't there.

Hang on, he wasn't.

How can this be?

James has his theory. It's that Glastonbury us wrong:

Arthur tweeted yesterday, saying:

Its sad that I'll probably never play Glastonbury because of the format I was discovered.. Has anyone from xfactor ever played it?

He then tweeted: "Especially sad when you see how mediocre some of these acts are live!! #verybitter," but deleted the tweet shortly after.

I'm pretty sure Bad Lashes headlined the Pyramid Stage Saturday last year, didn't they?

Perhaps James should have a word with his record label and see if they... oh, hang on, he doesn't have a label, does he?

It's sweet though that he thinks it's his having been on the X Factor which makes him a pariah, rather than it's only that he's been on telly that sustains him at all.

Still, James: try sending a tape to BBC Introducing. You might be able to make it in music after all.

Kanye West goes to Wireless

Kanye West was on the Wireless stage last night. He did break into his act of moaning about his life to play a couple of songs, but mostly it was just the classic stuff:

"The first thing they do is crush you… They control you with lies," he repeatedly declared, adding:

"How many people have had people tell you that you aren't f**kin' awesome?... This is what I'm talking about…. They say, 'I don't know what's wrong with Kanye' and make it sound like I'm a bad person in some way. What have I ever done that was so wrong other than believe in myself?"

I love the idea that West has now become so detached from reality that he assumes that being criticised and "not being told you're fucking awesome" are pretty much the same thing. And that nobody else would know what its like to be discouraged to our face.

There's also some sort of beef which appears to be about not being given free trousers by overpriced designers:

"I'm not going to mention any names but... Nike, Louis Vuitton and Gucci. Don't discriminate against me because I'm a black man making music.

"F**k saving face and what it's supposed to mean, it's about living my dream."

No, sweetie, they don't want to work with you because you're a character off that programme about Karadashian or Honey Boo Boo or the people who cut out money off coupons or whatever.

At least we now know that advertising Nike plimsoles is part of West's dreams. What strange, fevered dreams.

DMC: It was better in the past, you know

You know when Darryl 'DMC' McDaniels reckons music was at its best? Yes, funnily enough, it was when Run DMC were at their height:

He exclusively told BANG Showbiz: ''Hip hop was always about the relationship to the listener, regardless of where you come from, where you live, how old you are. People say, 'Man, I can play these old school records right now. De La Soul, Run-DMC, LL Cool J, it blows away all this new stuff.'

In related news: you could go to the cinema and have a meal out after with change from a quarter; school exams were harder; that over there was all fields; front doors were routinely left open.

So, tell us, Darryl - what made hip hop so much better back then?

''Because what we did is we never let the feeling of what we represented be diluted by the commercialisation of the culture.''

That's true. There was none of this grubby obsession with brand names and stuff back when Run DMC were in charge, right?

Erm...

Gordon in the morning: Liam's humiliation

It's obviously humiliating for Liam Gallagher that in Manchester - Manchester - Beaky Eye are only able to book gigs in the size of room you'd hire for the funeral tea for an unpopular Uncle.

You know what you might want to not do in those circumstances? Come across like a whiny boo-hoo, complaining and drawing attention to your reduced circumstances by pointing at another act who is doing so much better than you.

When did Liam ever get it right, though?

Gordon Smart bottles the bitterness:

Liam lost his rag as his band BEADY EYE played Manchester’s 1,500-capacity Ritz while Robbie chalked off another sold-out show in front of 60,000 at Manchester City’s home ground.

Williams is playing three nights there. Given that Gallagher has drawn attention to the difference, remember that he'd have to play a solid four months of gigs at the Ritz to reach the same number of fans Williams is playing to in Manchester.

Speaking on 5 Live, [Gallagher] ranted: “We should be playing the Etihad three nights (sic), not some f***ing fat f***ing idiot.

Quite why Gallagher believes he has a right to play in the Man City ground isn't clear, but given the size of his audience, he certainly could. He could even do it the same night as Williams plays - Robbie in the main part of the stadium; Captain Beaky could take on the kit room.

But as his consciousness streams, Gallagher realises who the real villans are. People. People who steadfastly refuse to give a flying fuck about his twilight band:

“Poor, mate. It’s not about him, it’s people in general. But it is about f***ing him, just in case you think I’m scared or something.

“It’s a small gig. Beady Eye ain’t a big band.

“Everyone thinks we’re going to announce big f***ing stadiums. That (The Ritz) is the level we’re at and we’ll stay at that until you pull your f***ing finger out and buy the f***ing records.”

You know what, Liam? If you want people to buy your records, you might want to try making them... well, let's start with 'not lazy shit', shall we?

Gordon in the morning: Robbie Williams is not happy

1990s pop star Robbie Williams - check your grandma's Wikipedia edits if you don't recognise the name - has finally joined Status Quo and Cliff Richard in the day room to moan about the young people at Radio One:

He branded the Breakfast Show host a “b******” for not playing his tracks – because the singer’s too old.

During his set at London’s Grosvenor House, Robbie said: “I did the Brits and started singing, ‘Hey-ho, here we go’ to a bunch of industry people and they were all just like, ‘F*** off, you’re fat and you’re old. And Radio 1 don’t play you no more – you’re fat and you’re old’.”
He then looked at Nick and said: “Isn’t that right Nick, you b******?”

It would seem his beef would be more with his peers rather than Radio One itself, but... oh, hang on, there's more:

After the singer performed Candy, and filmed himself on a punter’s phone, he returned to ribbing Grimmy, saying: “That’s Candy. How four-year-old do you want it, Radio 1?”

Yes, nothing makes your argument like pointing out you're an old man singing a nursery rhyme.

Leaning on his microphone stand eyeballing the DJ, he then popped a piece of chewing gum in his mouth and said: “Those aren’t drugs by the way. Nah, Radio 1’s not something that keeps me up at night, not at all.'

That doesn't make any sense.

He even tried a Yewtree joke:

Rob said: “I came here and looked around and thought, ‘I’m the only person I recognise here tonight’. It’s like looking at the cast of Operation Yewtree 2014. Ooh – too soon, too soon?”

Why would being too old to recognise anyone at a Radio Awards mean that everyone there would be arrested for sexually abusing children next year? It's not "too soon", it's just meaningless. You could do the Yewtree joke without the lead in; or you could use the lead-in of "I don't recognise anyone here" to do a "I guess that's the risk you take when your radio event clashes with the Yewtree staff party" or "presumably the old guard like to get an early night in case Yewtree wakes them up at four in the morning".

Robbie Williams is 83.

Gordon in the morning: Robbie Williams so desperate to be in Oasis he's trying to start a war with Blur

Does anyone really care what Robbie Williams thinks about Blur? Really? Tell us then, Gordon:

he singled out Alex for criticism after accusing The Sun columnist of “not being very nice to him”.

Robbie said: “Alex is the bassist in Blur — my nan could do that. All she needs is a new haircut.”

Let's not pause to reflect that being in Take That is a job so simple, Howard Donald is able to hold the role down, and just probe this further.

It turns out that Williams is carrying a grudge:

He explained he first met the band during a TV show appearance in Manchester with TAKE THAT when he was just 16. Robbie said: “From what I now know, looking back, they were suffering from a little bit of middle-class angst.

“I did feel like I was part of the s*** beneath their shoes for being in a boyband.”

There's a bit of confusion between class angst and artistic angst there, and there's the other possibility that maybe Take That, and Robbie in particular, were annoying back then. ("Back then".)

It all ends up with Robbie wailing that he's the victim here:

He said: “There is a lot of snobbery towards pop music, to me and pop in general — it’s kind of a despised art form.

“There’s a lot of ‘Check out that fat ****, he’d be nothing without GUY CHAMBERS.’

“I’m coming from a place of, ‘Hang on, I’m being picked on here, I don’t like it.’”

Actually, Robbie, pop doesn't need you to defend it; it's like KFC defending Fast Food: might be from the field, but not the best placed to argue the value of what they do.

And put your mind at rest, Robbie. Nobody says you'd be nothing without Guy Chambers. They also acknowledge that you'd be lost without Gary Barlow, too.

Wiley: The value of a university education

When you're paying massive fees for your courses, you move from being a student to being a consumer. And that makes you demand more, as Wiley found out:

He tells Britain's Daily Star newspaper, "I don't like students' attitudes. They only really like indie (rock) bands, and why would I want to perform for people who are going: 'Shut up Wiley, you're s**t?' I did a gig at Surrey Uni recently that I hated.

"I didn't need that £12,000, so I cancelled the whole uni tour and now I won't play a university ever again."

Rather a lazy cliche that students are only interested in indie rock bands. They like all sorts of music, Wiley. You weren't fighting a genre block, you were struggling with a quality threshold.

That Joke isn't coming any more: Killing Joke axe tour

There's a tour in September which brings together The Mission, The Cult and Killing Joke. Or at least, there's supposed to be. The whole thing is looking a bit sick now.

First, as Slicing Up Eyeballs reports, the whole thing downsized to smaller venues as organisers discovered the supply of ageing Goths isn't as large as they'd first thought.

Now, it looks like Killing Joke have quit the tour, although not yet officially:

[A] scathing note about the tour and, specifically, The Cult (“All their songs suck!”), purportedly written by Jaz Coleman, was posted then removed from the band’s Facebook page.

In part, that note read: “Frankly, playing at a gig with The Cult never appealed to me in the first place. The only reason we allowed ourselves to be talked into it was to blow both bands off the stage and to steal their respective audiences. As the concert has been downgraded to a venue that we have recently headlined (and sold out) it doesn’t make sense.”

Really, Jaz? You've agreed to do a tour simply to pick up a few fans from The Mission? Fans who have clung doggedly to The Mission through thick and - let's be frank - an awful, awful lot of thin? Is anyone else thinking of that episode of Seinfeld where Elaine tries to turn the guy?

Has Jaz stopped to think that if last time his band sold out all the tickets, and yet even with addition of two other bands the tour can't even do a decent stab at filling out a larger venue, there's a possibility that the sell-out audience for Killing Joke left the venue going "I'm never going to see them again"? Because it doesn't sound like there was much demand for a second go, does it?

One Direction: Capital Radio really are big babies

Back when the Brits happened, and One Direction got confused and thanked Radio One for a prize voted for by Capital FM listeners, Capital vowed that One Direction were dead to them.

At the time, I raised a curious eyebrow. Would a pop radio station really be so bitter as to not play songs by one of the biggest bands for their target audience?

Turns out, yes. Capital really are holding a grudge, regardless of how self-damaging it might be, and how petty it makes them seem:

Figures from Compare My Radio provided to Radio Today show that in the period between 1st January and 21st February this year, 95.8 Capital FM in London played ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ 50 times and follow-up single ‘One Thing’ twice. That works out on average at one play of the band every day. Between 22 February and 18 April the station hasn’t played a single One Direction track, according to the monitoring by Compare My Radio which takes information from ‘Now Playing’ feeds.

When the group’s album became the first ever debut release by a British act to go straight in at the top the US charts, news bulletins on Capital didn’t mention it – despite many of their rival stations highlighting one of the biggest UK music successes in America since The Beatles.

All because One Direction aren't the fizziest drinks in the cupboard. There are Jewish grandmothers suggesting that Capital might need to stop playing the victim so much.

Brian May grumbles at lack of Brian May in Jubilee bunfight

Who can forget the Golden Jubilee, when Brian May stood on top of Buckingham Palace playing 'Look At Me, I'm Sandra Dee'?

Nobody can forget. Nobody can. Sometimes it might slip from your mind for a few seconds, but then Andrew Marr looms into your face, waving the video of the event: "It's evidence for how vital and amazing the Queen remains" enthuses Marr, "that she can have an actual rock star on the roof of the actual house she sometimes lives in. Isn't the Queen marvellous? She's marvellous. Like some sort of marvellous marvel - and she's cheap. If you had a president, it would cost three times as much, you know."

It's a little-known fact that May has remained on the Palace roof for the last ten years, surviving on energy bars lobbed up to him by Prince Harry. "I'm clearly going to be asked to stand on the roof and play 'I'm 'Enery The Eight I Am' to mark the Diamond Jubilee, so it's not worth coming down" May has explained.

But - oh dear - Gary Barlow, who has been put in charge of the "gig" - has chosen not to ask May to play. Not that May's bitter about it:

“No, we haven’t been asked at all which is a shame — maybe next time we will, perhaps the one after diamond, whatever that is,” May, 64, tells [The Telegraph's Tim Walker] at the Whatsonstage.com awards concert at the Prince of Wales Theatre.

“I don’t how they’re going to top the Golden Jubilee event we were involved with, but that’s Gary Barlow’s problem. They’ll have to drop him from a helicopter or something.”

Yeah, because that's the only way they'll top the bloke married to Angie Watts playing a guitar on a roof. There is literally no other way than tossing Gary Barlow out of a helicopter over the crowd, without a parachute, making him play the riff from the Hawaii Five-O theme tune.

Not that May's bitter - did we mention that he's not bitter? - because he's too busy elsewhere:

May says he is, in any case, pre-occupied with the sequel to the West End show We Will Rock You, a celebration of the music of his Queen rock group. “We have it written now,” he says. “I can’t tell you what it will be called, but it’s looking good – we’ve had input from Ben [Elton], who wrote the original and is like a member of the band now, so we talk all the time. We’re looking at where we can take it as it’s at production stages.”

Looking for somewhere to take a sequel to We Will Rock You? I think we can come up with a few ideas.

Womble rumble

Mike Batt is not a happy man. Why is he unhappy?

Because The One Show has failed to treat the Wombles with the respect he believes they deserve.

He triple-tweeted:

"One Show" - very unfairly just played (couldn't be more than 3 seconds ) W. Merry Xmas to Carol King in "Cracker or Turkey" vote. - (more)

- she's a yank, never heard of Wombles, - -and the other two songs got at least twiceas much screen time and were voted "crackers" (more)

..ever had the urge the kick the TV in? What a shitty thing to do in the name of "TV". I don't often get angry.

But isn't it better to be voted "cracker" if the alternative is to be thought a turkey? Isn't being called a cracker a good thing?

And, seriously, Mike: it's some men dressed up in woolly costumes, being judged in a segment on The One Show. Is it really, seriously, worth getting so very angry about? Do you think Great Uncle Bulgaria would approve of that shower of intemperate tweetage?

Celine Dion: Not that she takes herself too seriously or anything

Celine Dion discovered there was a site called "ridiculous pictures of Celine Dion" and, rather than having a wry smile to herself, or thinking "gosh, yes, my advisors do allow me to appear in a number of stupid photos that make me look ridiculous", she had it closed down.

Thereby making herself look even more ridiculous, and drawing much more attention to the endeavour.

Perhaps the people who let her do those awful photos hugging babies are the same people that suggested a legally-drafted admission of a lack of self-awareness or sense of humour was the way to go with this one.

Meanwhile, here is a photo of a lovely horse:

[Horse under a Creative Commons licence by Freefoto]

Trudie and Sting still struggling to come to terms with their own actions

You'll recall a few years back Sting and Trudie Styler's chef brought a successful action against them for sexual discrimination:

The employment tribunal had been told that staff at the couple's country estate lived in a climate of fear because Miss Styler subjected them to abuse to make her "feel royal".

In a unanimous verdict, the tribunal members have found that Miss Martin was unfairly dismissed on the grounds of her pregnancy and had been the victim of unlawful sexual discrimination.

How did Styler take the result?

Miss Styler described the decision as "a travesty" and announced an immediate appeal.

Yes, she did. They lost that, too:

Judge Peter Clarke, chairman of the Employment Appeal Tribunal in London, said he agreed with the original employment tribunal judgment - which accused Miss Styler of using "shameful conduct" and subterfuge to get rid of Miss Martin.

Has Trudie accepted the now two judgements? Let's take a quick look at her interview with the Mail:

‘I was very wounded,’ she says. ‘I’m a champion of human rights. I embrace children into my life. Sexual discrimination? That’s something I don’t do. It was a travesty of justice.’

Yes, the victim of the story was not the pregnant woman who was unfairly sacked, and who was then forced to go through not one but two tribunals. The real victim here is Trudie Styler, who - despite the judgement of two tribunals - can't believe that she was guilty of sexual discrimination because she "embraces children". (That's the least successful use of the "I embrace children" defence since the Gary Glitter trial, by the way.)

Trudie doesn't explain how the judgement was a "travesty" - beyond telling us that she's so good it can't possibly be true. Perhaps while she's busily championing human rights she might want to think about investigating humility, too.

Morrissey: People hate it when I become successful

Morrissey is currently, shall we say, between record deals, and it's because he's so popular, reports ContactMusic:

Legendary singer Morrissey still cannot get a record deal and thinks his previous success is hindering his career.

Is that so, Mozzer?

He said: "There's not much I can do about it. Once it becomes public that you aren't signed, you assume that anyone who wants you will come and get you.

"I think labels for the most part want to sign new discoveries so that that label alone is seen to be responsible for the rise of the artist. Not many labels want bands who have already made their mark, because their success is usually attributed to some other label somewhere else at another time.

"Most artists are remembered for the albums that introduced them, or that made their success. For this reason, the press only write about me in terms of the Smiths story, and the fact that I've had three solo number one albums - or even 25 years of eventful solo activity - is never mentioned anywhere. Odd."

I suppose it is possible that labels would rather sign a new act than someone who is already incredibly popular. It's well recorded that record labels are almost supernaturally averse to signing sure things, much preferring to ignore easy number one albums with an established act in favour of spunking cash away on a bunch of teenagers who may or may not prove to be the new Birdland.

Maybe Morrissey is having trouble finding a label because nobody wants an artist who spends a lot of his time grumpily explaining what that isn't racist, actually.

Or perhaps its because - although he has done quite well in terms of chart position, only one of his solo records has managed more than 300,000 sales and the most recent, Years Of Refusal hasn't even earned a silver disc yet, two years in. A guaranteed top ten act, then, but one unlikely to shift 60,000 copies.

Francis Rossi: Everyone's rubbish

A penny for Francis Rossi's thoughts? You don't even need that, as he spent a chunk of time sounding off to the Metro, allowing a glimpse inside his head without the need to pay at penny.

What does Francis think of modern music?

Not a lot, it turns out:

Look at Madonna – she can’t sing but she can make a decent record. Her first one, they had to slow her voice down and speed it up. She used the system really well.

Oddly, Rossi can sing but hasn't made a decent record in a very, very long time.

pice Girls – biggest pile of s*** to hit the planet but what a great PR job. Can’t sing, songs weren’t very good, they didn’t look very good but they used the business against itself.

I'm not quite sure how the Spice Girls used the business against itself - isn't the pop business about taking some not-very-appetizing ingredients and making them into something that will sell? It's like suggesting that meat is using the butchery industry against itself.

Oh, and some of the Spice Girl songs were really great pop tunes.

Same with Kylie

You might spot that every act Rossi is damning is female here. But, please, tell us about Kylie:

some innocent child off some Australian soap, she suddenly s**gs Michael Hutchence and her bum comes out and everyone keeps buying her records.

Hadn't Kylie already had a seven-times platinum album before she started hanging out with Hutchence?

I'm not sure if Kylie - who apparently owes her career to having a bottom - has come off better here than the Spice Girls, who "don't look very good".

Is there anyone Rossi rates?

I learned when I was younger from watching Little Richard and working with Jerry Lee Lewis, who was so physically committed to his music he made it move you.

Yes, yes, I think the self-regard we can take as read. Anyone else?

Brian May’s very shy but can stand on top of Buckingham Palace playing his guitar.

"You can stand on Buckingham Palace and play your guitar" sounds like something you might shout at a rotten guitar player, I'd have thought. But, yes, Brian May. One of the greats.

There are some younger bands he likes, though:

At my age they’ve got to be around for about five years before I hear of them so I like Muse, Snow Patrol, Killers. I love Lady Antebellum. I don’t understand people who’ll just listen to one genre of music.

Three plod rock bands and a country act. He's practically Andy Kershaw, isn't it?

And the music industry - is that in fine fettle?

It’s 95 per cent bulls*** and the other five per cent is bulls***. I didn’t realise until I was about 40. It’s not real.

It's perhaps a bit unfair to suggest that Rossi is a bit slow on the uptake...

When I was much younger I’d read music magazines and it took me years to work out you never read an interview with anyone or see anyone on a chat show unless they’ve got some product out.

... oh, actually, it might not be.

The Quo, though, Francis. You must like the respect you've earned by being in the Quo?

I understand that people can’t stand Status Quo. There are thousands of people across the world who think we’re fantastic but most don’t, obviously. It’s the same with anyone. Michael Jackson selling 45million records in America – that still means 220 million Americans didn’t like it. But ‘showbiz’ blows it up as important. Mars bars sell better than Michael Jackson records and so do paper clips, envelopes and coat hangers. How come no one’s come up with a song that sells 2billion? Even then, two thirds of the world won’t like it.

How come nobody's ever come up with a song that sells two billion? There's a question that probably keeps Guy Hands awake at night. Sure, you can see Rossi's point - everyone is going to be disliked by someone - but suggesting that Michael Jackson is less good than paperclips sounds like the result of some drug-addled face off, with the victor going on to meet the winner of Love versus Thursdays in the final.

Rossi does admit that sometimes, he's not up to par himself:

[Metro:] What’s the worst gig you’ve done?

Live Aid. We weren’t particularly good. We were under-rehearsed and didn’t bring in enough equipment. It’s funny when you see these programmes about it now because back then no one knew how big it was until you went on the stage – and I’ve never seen so many cameras in my life.

Ah, yes. You were under-rehearsed. Apparently under-rehearsed out of your tiny skull, judging by what you told The Observer back in 2004:

It was crazy. A really crazy day. There were shitloads of drugs - coke, dope, all sorts. Everyone was going bananas. Rick [Parfitt of the Quo] told me recently that he got so out of it he couldn't sing anymore and was so annoyed on his way home that he was almost arrested for kicking road cones. Everybody was just totally out of it and Rick and I were the drug centre. People were saying, 'Let's go and see Doctor Rossi and Doctor Parfitt, shall we?'

Sounds like you took too much gear in. Even if you didn't have enough equipment.

Still, taking part in Live Aid - that must be something to be proud of, right?

But if the West really wanted to feed the Third World it would have happened by now instead of doing some fundraising gigs every 25 years.

No? Oh well.

Live At St Luke’s is out on March 14.

Hey... hey... do you think Rossi is just doing this because he's got something to sell?