Reading/Leeds headliners announced

The first names for Reading/Leeds have been announced, and the NME has got a photo on their page:

Blimey. Status Quo? That's a surprise.

Hang about, if I squint a bit... oh, it's not Status Quo at all. Or not quite, anyway:

Metallica, Jamie T and Run The Jewels are among the first names confirmed to perform at next year's Reading & Leeds Festivals.

I don't know how I could have confused a one-trick pony who have spent the last decade or so complaining about the music industry while churning out the same song over and over again with Status Quo.

Status Quo: At current prices

We've heard many, many stories of Status Quo's drug years, and the Telegraph is happy to go through some of them again.

But this being the Telegraph, there's an acknowledgement of the interests of their readers:

Indeed Rossi, who formed the band, originally named the Spectres, with his south London school friend Alan Lancaster in 1962, appears never to have questioned how much he was spending on drugs once the band became successful.

He said: “I used to spend £1,200 a week on cocaine, which again doesn’t sound like that much now.”

When it was pointed out to him that the sum amounted to £1.69 million over a decade at today’s prices, he admitted that with hindsight he wished he had not indulged quite so recklessly.

Yes, the paper works out the actual investment the band made in drugs, and uprated it to 2013 prices.

Although the writer, Patrick Sawer, does seem to have used the slightly risky assumption that Rossi bought the same amount of drucks week in, week out, for 520 weeks.

So tell us, Patrick, having burned through all that potential cash must have left Rossi in penury, right?

Rossi - whose fortune is estimated at between £2 and £10m - said his most costly outlays nowdays are his eight children and their education.

There's a chilling warning for the kids: if you spend your cash on drugs when you're young, you might end up with so much cash nobody even seems able to count it.

Status Quo make a new friend

-Remind me why we're doing this, Rick
-It's simple. Brian May's got the mammals all tied up. We can't compete with him on mammals. But Staus Quo will rule the seas.

Slightly drier interpretation of this photo from the Evening Argus.

Eurovision 2013: Liveblog

7.50pm

So his name was Reg, then. Fancy that.

Status Quo are currently describing their "caper" movie on the National Lottery Draw. It's Eurovision night - and, inevitably, we're liveblogging.

7.55pm

Status Quo are "playing us out live with their new single" which appears to be called Ebola Bowl of Quo. Can that be right?

8.00pm

"Expect flashing images" warns continuity. That might be the best offer we get all night.

Ah! It seems that there's going to be a caterpillar theme for the evening. But... hey, what if it turns into a beautiful butterfly? WHAT THEN?

8.02pm

Is that the bridge that all the murders happen on it? That might make things go with a bit more of a swing. (I tend to assume that all Scandinavian countries are nothing but blood baths. Blame BBC Four.)

Oh, a full choir. It's like a mid-1990s Tory party conference.

8.05pm

Is that Clara from Doctor Who? She really has been blue-screened in everywhere, hasn't she?

I hope they make all the contestants do the opposite walk at the end of the evening when they're done. Might be a little less chirpy by then.

Ooh! Frank from Shameless. That's a surprise.

8.10pm

Our host, Petra Mede, this year is a comedian. That's a bit of a claim that'll come back to haunt us in the long hours to come.

Did she just have a go at "doubting queens"?

She tells us this years contest is bigger than ever. Er, despite all those countries which elected not to take part, presumably.

8.15
We're being run through the voting rules for the night. For some reason, people in the UK can't vote by text. Why is that? Is it the threat of a text meltdown.

Tonys Hatch and Blackburn are on the panels judging the songs. That's the level we're aiming for.

Song one!
France: Amandine Bourgeois - L'enfer Et Moi

That's quite a dress. That's quite the smokey eyes.

While she's been distracted having her existential crisis, three shady blokes have snuck up behind her. They might be backing singers. They might be stalkers.

Apparently this is a bookies' favourite. Possibly a great song, but not one that people will be whistling. Might be forgotten by the time voting comes round.

But the BEST ONE SO FAR.

8.17
Lithuania: Andrius Pojavis - Something

The little film before the song is someone heading off home to see their grandparents before playing an acoustic guitar.

"I have to tell you something. You've been on my mind" starts the song.

This sounds less like a song, more like a conversation you really don't want to have to have with an ex.

Two acts, two distressed leather outfits. Ooh, and a surprising regeneration sequence.

I quite like the little tapping heart gesture there. It's not quite a dance, but at least it's like he's remembered to do a performance.

Why is he dragging up this old relationship? "Because of my shoes, I'm wearing today" he explains. Aah. I see.

8.21
Moldova: Aliona Moon - O Mie

Introduced by someone riding a small pony. Only on the film, not actually on the stage although...

Ye gods... what the hell is that hair? What's that outfit? It's like La Roux has exploded...

8.24
There's lightning and fire. Lots of a drama. The song doesn't quite rise to it, but the 'my dress is on fire' thing looked kinda cool.

Finland: Krista Siegfrids - Marry Me

Graham says Turkey apparently won't show the event because of this song. I'm expecting at least double-fisting in the words, then.

So: a genuine attempt by Krista to get engaged. Protip, Krista: turning up in a kinda slutty wedding dress might not quite put your beloved into the relaxed position you'd want to be in for a proposal.

Although the backing singers are in horrible, horrible dresses, which would at least make them accurate bridesmaids.

"Marry me, a real Queen Bee." Yeah, that's going to tempt anyone, isn't it.

Oh, it's a faux lesbian kiss. Like the MTV awards. Every year.

8.30
Spain: ESDM - Contigo Hasta El Final (With You Until The End)

Bagpipes. Watch out, Spain. You've seen what happens to Farage when he tries to pinch Scottish votes. You're from further South, and they value their bagpipes more.

John Bishop, oddly, playing guitar here.

Wisely, they dropped the bagpipes quite quickly.

I'm rating this 'not quite as good as the French entry'.

Belgium: Roberto Bellarosa - Love Kills

Mighty, Mighty Belgium. Except co-written by a Brit, so that's a Eurovision kiss of death.

Roberto comes across like a kid in the suit his mum bought him in the hope he'd get a nice job at a building society after his O Levels.

Those backing dancers are doing the most dismissive dance routine I've ever seen. Sometimes hiding behind him out of shame; more often wafting their hands at him like they're passing bad wind and hoping to rush him off the stage.

He looks a lot like that guy who was in Teenage Health Freak and the Yellow Pages advert. He might be him, actually, as he's not done much elsewhere for a while.

8.38
Estonia: Birgit - Et Uus Saaks Alguse

Rather dull intro film of people walking along backstage. That suggests they've run out of ideas and we're in for a long night.

Ah, this is the Clara. And starting out in black and white, because, you know, life's about death and deep thoughts, right?

This song sounds it's desperately hoping nobody will notice it's "It could have been love, but it's over now..."

8.42
Belarus: Alyona Lanskaya - Solayoh

Alyona might be doing a cheap Ruslana knock-off, but if you can't do that in Eurovision, who can? Plus, she climbed out of a glitterball.

This is what we want.

Except we don't want to have to hold next year's contest in Belarus, do we? Because that's going to be awkward.

Fact: Her dress is made out of the stuff they used to hang in the doorways of bookies so you couldn't see who was in having a bet.

8.45
Those flames aren't meant to be there, you know. That's light bouncing off the glitterball causing combustion.

Just nipped over to let a cat out, and it sounded like Graham Norton was promising Husker Du later on.

Malta: Gianluca - Tomorrow

Given it's a song contest, putting the lyrics at the heart of the performance by flashing them on the screen is a good idea. But, equally, given it's a song contest, you might have wanted to write a song.

Still, nice to see Paul Whitehouse is still able to come up with new characters.

Quick look at Twitter, where George Galloway is in the middle of grimly retweeting any tweet that mentions him.

8.49
Russia: Dina Garipova - What If

Dina Garipova is going to set one of XKCD's scientific enquiry columns to music, is she? I hope its the one with the massive weapons.

Oh, no. It's "Could have been love, but it's over now" again. Sung by one of the younger cast members of Coronation Street.

What colour is that dress? Peach? Puce? Polonium?

Last year, the Russians at least did live baking on stage. They've gone backwards.

Have to say: I like the little lamps bobbing up and down in the sky. That's what you get when you're able to call in favours from IKEA.

8.55
Germany: Cascada - Glorious

I think Graham Norton just said that Peter Mannion is involved in this one as a DJ. Bloody Tory modernisation programme.

Apparently stage dressing for this involves moving a wobbly shelving unit from the garage onto the stage and, er, that's it. At least they took the lawnmower out first.

She's now picking her way down the stairs, for all the world like a woman who was expecting a bunch of dancers to carry her down instead.

Armenia: Dorians - Lonely Planet

This is the Tony Iommi one. It's not his finest moment.

I'll bet the guy who drew the marker-pen beard and tache on the singer while he was asleep on the tour bus this morning is unpopular.

"Dave, for fuck's sake, I'm doing Eurovision tonight. This isn't going to come off, is it? Jesus, Dave, you're such a dick. It's not funny, Dave."

9.02
Some knockabout comedy here. The rest of Europe is watching commercials. I suggest we stare at our carpets until it's over.

9.05
It's safe to look again.

The Netherlands: Anouk - Birds

Anouk is in the intro video doing some boxing stuff. Punch, punch, punch.

Unfortunately, there's not actually any punch to the song. It's like something from an indie funeral.

9.08
Just to be clear: "something from an indie funeral" isn't acclaim.

Hang on, this is Dawn's Lament from the Buffy musical, only without the kidnapping goblins to cut it short.

Yeah, Netherlands aren't going to be bothering the scoreboard operators.

Romania: Cezar - It's My Life

Cezar is shown getting dressed and plinking away on a piano in the warm-up video. But then he comes on stage...

Watch out, everyone; Ming The Merciless is here, and he's got naked minions. Who have snuck in under the dress from Moldova's singer earlier.

If this is his life, you have to worry what his dreams are like.

9.13
United Kingdom: Bonnie Tyler - Believe In Me

Oh, no; they didn't have a shot of her gold and silver discs in the intro video have they? That's a little like yelling "do you know who I am", isn't it?

This sounds pretty dreadful, actually. I mean, it's a weak song to begin with, but she's delivering it with all the confidence of a newly promoted mid-manager trying to sack an older colleague.

Bonnie's trying to breathe some life into the performance, but it's too late. The golden hour has passed.

9.17
Sweden: Robin Stjernberg - You

While the BBC breathes a sigh of relief that it won't have to spend the Dr Who budget hosting next years' event, the home team come on.

This one isn't bad - it sounds like it could be plausibly advertising mobile phones by mid summer.

9.21
Hungary: ByeAlex - Kedvesem (Zoohacker Remix)

How, exactly, do you do a remix in a song contest? And what does a Zoohacker do? Splice together the zebras and pandas?

Alex thinks deep thoughts. He writes his lyrics in a Moleskine notebook. He's kissing boys and girls these days, because he doesn't want to close down his options, yeah?

The guitarist, meanwhile, has a hairstyle that got escaped from a lost episode of Imperial phase Neighbours.

Oh, there's a song in there somewhere. It's hiding pretty well, though.

9.26
Denmark: Emmelie de Forest - Only Teardrops

Emmelie forgot to bring a chair. That's the sort of situation the Apprentice types were warning us about this week.

She seems a bit bemused by the presence of a pipe and drum act on stage during her big moment - and, to be frank, I think we're all wondering what they're doing there. It's like the boss wanted a full-on Riverdance but the budget didn't quite stretch to it.

Music for horses to run across plains to.

9.30
Iceland: Eythor Ingi - Ég Á Líf

I often wonder why Iceland don't do better in Eurovision. But they seem to have got Mitch Benn doing their song for them this year, so they might be in with a chance.

Hang about, I think I just worked out why Iceland don't do better. They're trying a song in Icelandic this year, which means they could be singing about just about anything; and Eyhtor's face is giving nothing away. His beard, perhaps, is dropping hints about what he had for lunch.

"Egg a leaf, egg a leaf". Anyone?

9.35
Azerbaijan: Farid Mammadov - Hold Me

We're firmly into the Pointless Answers portion of the evening now, then.

Another young man with the sort of grin that you force if you discover you've been cast as Deirdre Barlow's toy boy.

The song starts with him balanced on a perspex box, for all the world like an expensive watch in a shopping mall jewelry store.

Jesus, there's a man in the box. He's getting Rob Brydon's routine all wrong.

There's a human carpet approaching now. What's going on? Is one of them a cyberman?

Oh, it's grab a grand. Presumably the regular episode of the Azerbaijan's Noel's House Party was happy to yield its slot to Eurovision, but only if they could keep some of their usual features for the evening.

9.39
Greece: Koza Mostra feat. Agathon Iakovidis - Alcohol Is Free

Oh, Greece. Don't stand up in front of Europe boasting about free alcohol when Merkel's still giving you the skunk eye over the bailout. It's like Stella supping bubbly in the Bistro when her cheques are bouncing all over Weatherfield.

Nice to see a role for Hank Kingsley's Macedonian cousin on balalaika, there.

9.40
Ukraine: Zlata Ognevich - Gravity

As if we needed another song to focus on stuff dragging us down.

Hmm... starts out like it could be a Bond theme. And that bloke carrying her on stage could be Jaws, I guess.

This is really unpleasant. It's plinky-plonky crossed with sweeping torch song. Like having Meat Loaf spat out by a ZX Spectrum.

The Love Theme From Jet Set Willy.

9.46
Italy: Marco Mengoni - L'Essenziale

Apparently this has been number one in Italy for eight weeks. Mind you, that's in a country where Berlusconi was Prime Minister for years, so that might not tell us much about quality.

Marco seems to have been expecting to be presenting the National Lottery Draws tonight.

Really? Eight weeks at number one? You'd have to wonder what the Vienna-style-stuck-at-number-two better songs are, and who the acts cursing Marco's name are.

"Much better than he was at rehearsal" says Graham Norton, which makes you wonder how there could have been a lower-powered version of that performance. Maybe he did it sitting down?

9.50
Norway: Margaret Berger - I Feed You My Love

Apparently rave has finally reached Norway, then.

9.53
Georgia: Nodi Tatishvili & Sophie Gelovani - Waterfall

This pair are apparently on the way back from their wedding, and have dropped in to do a song. The wedding doesn't seem to have gone well.

Oh... hold on, there's been a reconciliation. They've made up. It's a happy ending. Let them get off to the reception and we shall detain them no longer.

9.57
Ireland: Ryan Dolan - Only Love Survives

We're nearly there, everyone. Be strong.

"Only love survives" is probably a fitting song for the end of Eurovision, although to be honest after this bunch of songs I'd be surprised if anything much beyond venom is going to make it through to Sunday.

Ryan is trying to sing his song, but someone's double-booked him with the graeco-roman wrestling.

Those are the nastiest, cheapest leather trousers I've seen this side of Norris Green market. It's not calf leather, is it? What is it? Roadkill badger?

This is the very working definition of "bringing up the rear" in so many senses.

"That could win" says Graham Norton, although he doesn't actually say what it is he thinks it could win.

10.02
Jean Paul Gaultier's there, is he? If we win, next year it'll be that Hillary woman from the Telegraph and George "George by Asda" Davis.

They're telling us how we can vote, although mostly focusing on the ways we can't vote, so Graham's shouting over the top about how we can actually vote.

In London, someone's shaking Tony Blackburn to ask him for his views.

10.05
"Okay, Tony... tell us your favourite country."

10.06
"Can you think of any country, Tony?"

10.07
"No, Tony. 'Blue' is a colour. Try again."

10.08
"Okay, just point at the map."

10.09
"Jesus, that's the carpet, Tony. Point at the map. The coloured thing with all the countries. Could someone ring Malmo and tell them we might need to give our votes a few minutes late, please?"

10.10
The traditional 'can you remember what last year's winner sounded like' slot, with Noreen being wheeled out to remind us why we're in Sweden.

And, hey, how many times is it that we've heard this song since this time last year, eh? Thousands I bet.

Noreen has apparently spent the last twelve months following her dream of becoming the first singing human/bird hybrid.

Is that the entire Swedish army dancing in the background?

She can fly. All that time having heron wings spliced onto her back paid off.

Is the catwalk actually shaped like a clef? That's quite clever.

10.16
"Remember, you can't vote for the United Kingdom" Graham reminds us, disappointing precisely nobody. Except maybe Bonnie Tyler.

Over on Twitter, Loreen reaction is in:

Is there a woman in Europe who DOESN'T dress like Servalan for official engagements? #eurovision

— Nev Fountain (@Nevfountain) May 18, 2013

Trafford Centre Bat For Lashes

— Not Now Rachel (@catsuitcity) May 18, 2013

Been away from #eurovision for five minutes. Has someone done a sexy makeover on Mr Cadbury's Parrot?

— drivelcast (@drivelcast) May 18, 2013

10.21
Voting is over. We are now in the hands of God, and the Eastern European power bloc.

10.22
I presume it's only UK viewers getting a little film of Bonnie Tyler ruining her voice day-by-day over the last week, is it? Or did the BBC insist that unless we get a chance to say "look, this is why we weren't very good" they wouldn't sign any cheques?

10.24
This is Sweden is showing it can laugh at itself, although nobody else will.

I love the idea of Moose/Woman hybrids, though.

Hahahahahah, Swedish men are either drunk or insane. Haaahaaahaa.

(The international press corps make a mental note to check their doors are deadlocked tonight.)

10.27
Seriously, though, can you imagine the faked outrage if the BBC did something like this while the UK were hosting? "The so-called state broadcaster held our dearest traditions up to mockery in front of 100 million people."

10.30
"Yeah, Mum? I've got a part in Eurovision. No, it's not singing, but I'm dancing... What? The costume? Erm... it's... a national outfit. What? No, not quite... um, I'm going to be a meatball. But... it's happening at last."

10.31
Kim Wilde's called it for Denmark.

10.32
Did she just pronounce Celine Dion "Seeing Donk"?

10.35
This year's green room comedy interview is called Eric Saade. Saade by name... "I love hashtags" as his idea of a joke by nature.

10.37
Sweden now paying tribute to both their and Eurovision's greatest gift to the world, Abba. It's a reaction to a gift on a par with taking it back to the shop to see if you can get a refund, and leaving it on the counter when they say no.

10.40
We're into voting. At last.

San Marino, in a natty bowtie.

12 to Greece.

At the end, Britain is on a firm zero. I suspect it might stay that way.

Sweden's votes are coming to us from the future. One to Bonnie (ha! I eat my previous sentence); 12 to Norway.

10.42
Albania haven't bothered to dress up tonight, then. This is their first time back in for years. Maybe they forgot the need to hire a suit. 12 to Italy.

Netherlands votes are given by a Gary Lineker puppet. 12 to Belguim; the camera crew awkwardly pointing at the Danes by mistake.

10.44
Austria briskly give 12 to Azerbaijan.

Scott Mills getting his one night out a year to do the UK votes. We've given 8 to Greece, but we'd always vote for Alcohol being free. 12 to Denmark.

10.45
Israel now, the traditional point at which half of Europe yells "they're not even IN Europe". Their 12 goes to Azerbaijan.

UK not quite solidly on the bottom, but one point after seven juries doesn't actually bode well.

10.47
Serbia 12 to Denmark.

The bloke from Toploader is giving the Ukraine votes to Belarus.

Hungary 12 to Azerbaijan.

Backstage, Bonnie Tyler is starting to look a bit like she wants to break her agent's fingers.

Romania 12 to Moldova.

10.50
Moldova and Romania not only give each other much love, their presenters appeared to be wearing the same dress.

Their 12 goes to Ukraine.

Azerbaijan's presenter wants to do a bit of a business before giving the scores. They're trying to move her on.

Bonnie Tyler now asking the Russians if they know where she can score some of that polonium.

Azerbaijan's 12 to Ukraine.

Norway explains that Malta is a very warm place as they give their scores. Yeah, pal, we don't need a weather forecast.

12 to Sweden.

Armenia is the first presenter to try singing tonight. I think he's been told he's auditioning for Glee. 12 to Ukraine.

10.55
Backstage, Bonnie Tyler is wondering if she can sneak out the country using Shakin Stevens' passport.

Italy have a nice dress from Monsoon, give 12 to Denmark. Denmark have pretty much got this sewn up, making the next 23 results a bit of a waste of everyone's time.

Finland try some light bisexual joshing. Doesn't go down well. 12 to Norway.

10.57
UK now last-but-one, just above Ireland.

Spain: Look, she's used tape. Can we move on? 12 to Italy.

Belarus give their 12 to Ukraine.

10.59
Latvia are clutching flowers to their breast. 12 to Russia.

Bonnie Tyler sidling up to the guy with the drawn-on beard and moustache, asking him if his mate with the Sharpie is still around.

11.00
Halfway through. Much of Europe has gone to the toiletadverts.

They've got about thirteen minutes to do 19 votes, give the prize and do a run through of the Danish song.

Whoops - threw to the next judge before the top three package.

11.04
Graham Norton desperately trying to pretend that Denmark haven't won yet.

Bulgaria have spent their remaining national reserves on a necklace for their presenter, which presumably would deliver an electric shock if she tried to sing.

12 to Azerbaijan.

Zoe Ball's Belgian cousin is live from Brussels. 12 to Netherlands.

Russia give 12 to Azerbaijan.

Bonnie Tyler has called ahead to her hotel: "no, not refilling my minibar. Just put the actual bar into my room."

11.07
Malta 12 to Azerbaijan. It's very warm there, you know.

The bloke from Estonia loves himself, doesn't he? It's going to be a struggle for him not to award himself the 12 points. He gives them to Russia, but intends to pop next door and see if he can charm them back later.

11.09
It's raining in Germany. Everyone's a fucking weatherman.

Oh! She screwed up her big moment. She's wrecked. First genuine emotion of the night.

11.11
Iceland's 12 goes to Denmark.

Bonnie Tyler is going from dressing room to dressing room, shoving the complimentary fruit bowls into her haversack.

France do their scoring from in front of a picture of the Eiffel Tower. Really.

12 to Denmark.

11.13
Greece, where alcohol is free; 12 to Azerbaijan

Ireland have sent a Victorian policeman to deliver 12 points to Denmark.

Denmark give 12 to Norway.

Montenegro have got the TV on in the background, and really bad blue screen technology. Because if she wasn't in front of that, er, landmark, we'd never know she was in Montenegro.

Slovenia are trying to make us think he's got GoogleGlasses. 12 to Denmark.

Bonnie Tyler is now shoving green-room apples into the exhaust pipes of the complementary hire cars parked out the back.

11.18
Georgia are perky for someone who's been waiting for half the evening to get on TV. 12 to Azerbaijan.

The news is now running late.

FYR Macedonia give 12 to Denmark.

Bonnie Tyler is caught on CCTV throwing the free sugar packets around in a branch of Burger King.

They're calling it for Denmark; they seem to not be bothered that there's more countries to give their votes. Rather makes Cyprus votes even less interesting than normal. The Cypriot looks pissed at having his big moment ruined.

Croatia are next to grind grimly though their pointless votes. Their 12 goes to who the hell cares.

And Switzerland might as well have remained neutral.

Lithuania finish the voting by giving 12 points to Azerbaijan.

11.36
"Next year we get to visit beautiful Denmark, just 20 minutes away." That's handy, assuming you're starting from Sweden.

Bonnie Tyler is on the shore, yelling "come back, you sodding ferry, or I swear I'll swim this bloody sea..."

So: what have we learned?

There are no lessons.

But I reckon we should make Fraser Nelson choose our entry next year. Just to see how he does. Actually, we should make him sing the entry next year.

Thanks for joining me. Now, let's instantly forget the winning song so we can be puzzled when we hear it during the judging next year.

Francis Rossi: Everyone's rubbish

A penny for Francis Rossi's thoughts? You don't even need that, as he spent a chunk of time sounding off to the Metro, allowing a glimpse inside his head without the need to pay at penny.

What does Francis think of modern music?

Not a lot, it turns out:

Look at Madonna – she can’t sing but she can make a decent record. Her first one, they had to slow her voice down and speed it up. She used the system really well.

Oddly, Rossi can sing but hasn't made a decent record in a very, very long time.

pice Girls – biggest pile of s*** to hit the planet but what a great PR job. Can’t sing, songs weren’t very good, they didn’t look very good but they used the business against itself.

I'm not quite sure how the Spice Girls used the business against itself - isn't the pop business about taking some not-very-appetizing ingredients and making them into something that will sell? It's like suggesting that meat is using the butchery industry against itself.

Oh, and some of the Spice Girl songs were really great pop tunes.

Same with Kylie

You might spot that every act Rossi is damning is female here. But, please, tell us about Kylie:

some innocent child off some Australian soap, she suddenly s**gs Michael Hutchence and her bum comes out and everyone keeps buying her records.

Hadn't Kylie already had a seven-times platinum album before she started hanging out with Hutchence?

I'm not sure if Kylie - who apparently owes her career to having a bottom - has come off better here than the Spice Girls, who "don't look very good".

Is there anyone Rossi rates?

I learned when I was younger from watching Little Richard and working with Jerry Lee Lewis, who was so physically committed to his music he made it move you.

Yes, yes, I think the self-regard we can take as read. Anyone else?

Brian May’s very shy but can stand on top of Buckingham Palace playing his guitar.

"You can stand on Buckingham Palace and play your guitar" sounds like something you might shout at a rotten guitar player, I'd have thought. But, yes, Brian May. One of the greats.

There are some younger bands he likes, though:

At my age they’ve got to be around for about five years before I hear of them so I like Muse, Snow Patrol, Killers. I love Lady Antebellum. I don’t understand people who’ll just listen to one genre of music.

Three plod rock bands and a country act. He's practically Andy Kershaw, isn't it?

And the music industry - is that in fine fettle?

It’s 95 per cent bulls*** and the other five per cent is bulls***. I didn’t realise until I was about 40. It’s not real.

It's perhaps a bit unfair to suggest that Rossi is a bit slow on the uptake...

When I was much younger I’d read music magazines and it took me years to work out you never read an interview with anyone or see anyone on a chat show unless they’ve got some product out.

... oh, actually, it might not be.

The Quo, though, Francis. You must like the respect you've earned by being in the Quo?

I understand that people can’t stand Status Quo. There are thousands of people across the world who think we’re fantastic but most don’t, obviously. It’s the same with anyone. Michael Jackson selling 45million records in America – that still means 220 million Americans didn’t like it. But ‘showbiz’ blows it up as important. Mars bars sell better than Michael Jackson records and so do paper clips, envelopes and coat hangers. How come no one’s come up with a song that sells 2billion? Even then, two thirds of the world won’t like it.

How come nobody's ever come up with a song that sells two billion? There's a question that probably keeps Guy Hands awake at night. Sure, you can see Rossi's point - everyone is going to be disliked by someone - but suggesting that Michael Jackson is less good than paperclips sounds like the result of some drug-addled face off, with the victor going on to meet the winner of Love versus Thursdays in the final.

Rossi does admit that sometimes, he's not up to par himself:

[Metro:] What’s the worst gig you’ve done?

Live Aid. We weren’t particularly good. We were under-rehearsed and didn’t bring in enough equipment. It’s funny when you see these programmes about it now because back then no one knew how big it was until you went on the stage – and I’ve never seen so many cameras in my life.

Ah, yes. You were under-rehearsed. Apparently under-rehearsed out of your tiny skull, judging by what you told The Observer back in 2004:

It was crazy. A really crazy day. There were shitloads of drugs - coke, dope, all sorts. Everyone was going bananas. Rick [Parfitt of the Quo] told me recently that he got so out of it he couldn't sing anymore and was so annoyed on his way home that he was almost arrested for kicking road cones. Everybody was just totally out of it and Rick and I were the drug centre. People were saying, 'Let's go and see Doctor Rossi and Doctor Parfitt, shall we?'

Sounds like you took too much gear in. Even if you didn't have enough equipment.

Still, taking part in Live Aid - that must be something to be proud of, right?

But if the West really wanted to feed the Third World it would have happened by now instead of doing some fundraising gigs every 25 years.

No? Oh well.

Live At St Luke’s is out on March 14.

Hey... hey... do you think Rossi is just doing this because he's got something to sell?

Deeper and the Downs: Brighton says sorry to the Quo

Brighton and Hove council thought it would be nice to have a bit of gentle fun in the job advert for a strategic director position:

The ad men went so far as to state "Status Quo fans need not apply."

The council forgot that Status Quo don't actually have a sense of humour. Or perspective.

Quo's publicist Simon Porter says, "This is a direct insult to the capabilities of millions of Quo fans, many of whom are probably totally overqualified for these jobs."

Erm... if they're overqualified for the jobs, then they shouldn't bother applying, should they?

Anyway, Brighton and Hove have responded by rolling their eyes and carrying on.

Oh, sorry, no: they've issued a fawning apology:

A statement from the council's CEO John Bardell reads, "I'm sorry if any offence has been caused by our advert slogan 'Status Quo fans need not apply' - none was intended.

"I accept that it was a little insensitive. My wife did say when she saw it that it might upset Quo fans. I hoped it would make us stand out from the crowd and would get people interested. Clearly she was right."

The one piece of soothing balm is that it's hugely unlikely any Status Quo fan would have even had the advert read out to them.

Staus Quo: Establishment chaps

It's not actually news that Status Quo are ardent royalists and tend to fawn when they stand down wind from anything from a Duchess upwards. But seldom has Francis Rossi been quite so explicit about it:

Rossi, dressed in a dark pinstriped suit, said: ''This is the most exceptional moment of our careers. There's no two ways about it.

''Live Aid was contrastingly very different and important and there was a great euphoric feeling on the day but nothing can make you forget this.

''It's part of the establishment which is everything that's been around us since we were little and it's something to aspire to.

''Whether you're a royalist or not you cannot take away what the Queen and the Royal Family do for us.''

... before knuckling his forelock and walking backwards in a half-crouch.

I suppose it's true. Even if you're not a royalist, you can't escape the millions wasted on keeping one family in total luxury and undermining the whole principle of democracy by having government carried on in the name of the monarch instead of the people. I expect that's what Rossi meant.

There's something a little odd in the Telegraph's piece:

Status Quo launched the first Prince's Trust concert in 1982 and three years later they opened the original Live Aid concert with Rockin' All Over The World.

The original Live Aid concert? How many have there been since, then?

Quo B E

The establishment recognises the Status Quo: Partfitt and Rossi have been given OBEs in the New Year's Honours, for services bringing all the drugs to the Band Aid recording, or something.

Calling your name: Marilyn reappears

There's a snarky piece in the News of the World this week. The paper has caught up with Marilyn, seemingly just to point and laugh:

HE urged us to Feed The World - but 25 years after Band Aid, Eighties star Marilyn seems only to have fed his FACE.

For the slim, 10st gender bender who recorded Do They Know It's Christmas with Bob Geldof and a host of other pop idols has ballooned to over 17 STONE.

Gone are the blond locks and girly make-up along with the millionaire lifestyle. Bloated Marilyn, 46, is now just a shambling, jobless self-confessed drug addict who lives with his MUM in an ex-council semi.

I'm a little confused about why the detail of "ex-council semi" is thrown in there - doesn't the Murdoch press love the idea of people buying their council houses? Wasn't that aspirational?

Still, I'm sure James Murdoch will be delighted to read one of the papers he runs laughing at someone for having to rely on their parent's generosity.

Marilyn talks to the paper, but doesn't have much to offer. He's been on the drucks, but we all knew that when his career was crashing down in fame. Most of the people on Band Aid were a bit cynical - but that's hardly a surprise. Status Quo took drugs to the recording - but even Status Quo trot that anecdote out.

It's all a bit of a shame. But, on the plus side, it might be the first time anyone has written an article about Marilyn without suggesting he was little more than a Boy George side-project.

There is another plus - to pad the piece out, there's a 'where are they now, the other people who were on the Band Aid' piece which might be the only time the national press has worried about 'what is Mark Unpronounceablename from Big Country up to these days'?

It's a shame about how wrong it went for Marilyn, whose career never quite worked out. Mainly, because while Boy George was happy to keep his act edging close to the pantomimic, Marilyn never attempted to recast his sexuality as theatrics. The world wasn't really ready.

Gordon in the morning: Now with Francis Rossi

The story about doctors recommending neck braces for headbangers has got Gordon Smart all annoyed:

IT’S enough to give heavy metal fans a headache.

Health and safety experts want to pull the plug on headbanging – the skull-shaking dance craze which started at a Led Zeppelin gig in 1968.

He's so angry, he's called in Francis Rossi to join him in an anger-swamp:

WHEN I heard that experts are advising headbangers to wear neck braces, I thought it must be a joke.

That, Francis, is because, erm, it was a joke. It was a bit of fluff for the Christmas edition of the British Medical Journal. They weren't actually seriously suggesting that you wear neck braces to heavy rock gigs. It was meant to be lighthearted...

[T]he nanny state would have had a field day with us.

There have been so many times that we’ve nearly decapitated each other by swinging our guitars around our heads.

Even if they weren't joking - which they were, and you're getting all annoyed about something meant as a joke - they're university researchers and not part of the "nanny state", and were only making suggestions, not prescribing rules. But it was a joke anyway.

[T]here’s a difference between taking care of yourself and being totally paranoid in life.

What, you mean like being so paranoid someone writes a tongue-in-cheek article for a Christmas edition of a magazine and you're so blinded by belief that people are trying to do you down that you write an opinion column for a national newspaper? That sort of paranoid?

Not so long ago, RICK (PARFITT) twisted his ankle on stage from rocking out during a gig. What did he do?

He carried on playing and sorted it out afterwards.

If health and safety had been there, no doubt they would have carted him off on a stretcher and kitted the rest of us out with protective bodywear.

Yeah - damn health and safety and their nannying ways, theoretically trying to stop Rick Parfitt from having a nasty injury which might have caused him mobility problems in later life, if they'd been there, whoever "health and safety" might be.

Some people even look on a sore neck and ringing ears the morning after a gig as the sign of a good night.

I wonder if Pete Townshend might like to take Rossi to one side and explain exactly why that might be an especially dangerous thing to say. Somehow, Rossi has managed to take a joke and turn it into something that could potentially persuade people to put their hearing at risk. You'd have thought that Gordon might have had the wit to remove that line.

Gordon in the morning: Christmas spirit

Having somehow taken the credit for the BBC decision to do a Christmas Top Of The Pops after all, Gordon Smart looks forward to Christmas Day:

CRACKERS won’t be the only thing going pop on Christmas Day.

Today I can reveal the acts who will be gracing our TV screens on the Top Of The Pops Christmas Special.

Perhaps he should have asked Pete to give him a hand with this one - crackers going pop? "gracing our TV screens"?

Smart reveals the surprising line-up: it's bands who've had number ones this year. But someone is missing:

More acts for the special will be confirmed in coming days but I can spot a gaping whole in the line-up.

Rock veterans STATUS QUO have released their first festive song, It’s Christmas Time, but are absent from the pop-orientated performers’ list.

I can feel another campaign coming on...

But hang on Gordon - surely you won't have to campaign, will you? After all, you told your readers there was a good chance that the Quo would have the Christmas number one, in which case they'll appear on the show as reigning champions.

Elsewhere, Madonna has done a clothes advert for some company or other - Louis Vuitton or Per Una or something. Gordon, of course, wouldn't be as easily swayed as to run a heavily airbrushed advert and pretend it's a news story. He does, however, have commentary to offer on the photo:

WELL-HEELED Material Girl MADONNA has never been averse to the odd spot of dressing up.

And she’s stil-etto pretty good at it too.

The pop veteran shot the glossy promo pictures in a traditional Parisian bistro.

She took the opportunity to show off her well-toned pins, topped off with killer stiletto heals.

Hang about, Gordon... did you say this was shot in Paris? And it's a woman wearing fishnets? Aren't you forgetting something?

Oooh la la.

That's better.

Gordon in the morning: Advent

I'm not sure why, but I'm getting the feeling Gordon might be a bit low on stuff to share with us today. Just a feeling, mind. Can't put my finger on why.

It's the most wonderful time of the year: that countdown to Christmas where Gordon Smart does his best to spoil Christmas surprises:

Secret for Victoria, David?

DAVID BECKHAM looks like he’s trying to Spice up his sex life — by buying undies for wife VICTORIA.

Becks, 33, and son Romeo, six, were seen holding bags from lingerie store Victoria’s Secrets in New York — also with Brooklyn, nine, and Cruz, three.

Not much of a secret now, is it?

Noel Gallagher has brought some of his trademark wit to respond to Status Quo's suggestion that Oasis are quite dull on stage and, since Smart seems to have confused Gallagher and Murdoch and lets him treat the Bizarre column as his personal fiefdom, he runs Noel's response in full:

“Normally I wouldn’t give a rat’s arsehole what Status Quo have got to say about anything.

“But tell those ****s from me that when I go on stage at Wembley next summer, I won’t be wondering about what the poster boys for Help The Aged think.”

Ha-ha. They're old, you see. There's nothing like 'you're older than me' as an amusing comeback from a rock star in his 40s.

You know what would be great, though? If there was some way we could conflate Noel's stance with everyday Bizarre stuff... a crossover... if only there was some way...

Gordon in the morning: Whatever, you want?

Gordon is predicting big things for Status Quo:

THERE is a good chance STATUS QUO will be No1 this Christmas.

What? Whatever can you mean?

No, I haven’t been in Dr Who’s Tardis and found myself back in 1986 wearing stonewash denim, a white T-shirt and waistcoat.

Well, thank goodness for that. Although if you had gone back to 1986, you wouldn't be writing in a newspaper in 2008 anyway, would you?

No, Gordon is basing his prediction on a Scooter-Status Quo mash-up which is going to be released to try and spoil December.

What's funny is that the record is dreadful, but Smart clearly doesn't want to commit to condemning it out of hand just in case he can pad out his December 27th column with an "I predicted it" piece. So it's almost impossible to tell what he really thinks:

The song is already being played in clubs and the re-hash, based on Quo’s famous guitar riff, has gone down as well as a cheap alcopop.

As in everyone is filling themselves up with it? Or that people think it's cheap and leaves them feeling queasy before throwing up and swearing never again?

Then there's this frankly baffling statement:

They are Germany’s most successful ever singles act.

The band consists of MICHAEL SIMON, HP BAXXTER and RICK J JORDAN.

They sound like a collection of men responsible for this rubbish.

Is it just me or is listing the members of a band and then saying "well, that sounds like the sort of people who would make the record they've made" actually a less worthwhile way of filling a line of space than, say, just repeatedly hitting the ! key?

Elsewhere, Gordon spins Russell Brand and Britney Spears being in the same restaurant at roughly the same time into a possible romance:

Stranger things have happened...

Well, yes. But a cat giving birth to a litter of snakes is slightly different from two people going to eat at one of the most over-exposed restauarants in Los Angeles.

Gonna buy some records by the Status Quo

Francis Rossi isn't that impressed by Amy Winehouse:

"Amy is supposed to be great but I can't stick her. I like a couple of records but I'm not sure if people will like her in three years.

"I'm not knocking her for the sake of it. But I have been subjected to so much of Amy and her antics that I just think, 'Fuck off'.

"What message does giving her Woman Of The Year send to young people? There has to be some responsibility somewhere, surely?"

Well, she's been named Woman of the Year in Mojo magazine, so I doubt if any young people will ever notice, but... do carry on:

"Everyone knew what was going on with her. She's not a good role model.

"They should have said to her: 'You're not getting it. You would have done but you're not cutting it anymore.'

"She may be able to sing, but what gets through to the kids in the street is the fact that she is out of her tree, falling over and not being able to keep her hands out of her knickers. She should straighten herself out."

These are fine words, although Status Quo have dined out more than once on their tales of being wasted at Live Aid, which might throw their claims to pick role models for the next generation into some sort of relief.

But Rossi hasn't finished. He then turns his attention to Pete Doherty:

"Doherty, on the other hand, isn't even worth entertaining. At least Amy has serious talent. Pete hasn't got anything. There's no talent there, otherwise he would do something. He doesn't count. He seems quite intelligent but the records are grim."

Pete gets busted, then comes straight out and thinks it's no problem being nicked.

There's no fear of the law or of punishment and young people think, 'If he can do it so can I'. Doherty is still acting like an angry young man and so are Oasis. Get off it. You can't be an angry young man pushing 30 and if you are you're a twat."

Well, certainly you shouldn't be publishing teenage-style diaries at that age.

Fifty per cent off skeleton news service

Girls Aloud win chart battle - now you can buy number ones, apparently... Pulp at an end? - are you sure? (that only works if you do it in a Jarvis style, by the way)... Teenage millionaire wants to launch TV album charts show - thereby proving him to not be the financial whizzkid everyone seems to think he is... BBC Music album of year poll currently being led by Status Quo - only you can stop the madness... Jimmy Young and The Evening Session leave airwaves for good - neither going quietly in their own ways

A Bad Night For Di

Not only did she come third behind Churchill and Brunel in the BBC Greatest Briton poll, but before the final debate kicked off Channel Five attempted to recreate her life through her record collection. You hope a bad wrong has been done to her, you really do.

They got Peter York to present - presumably because he co-wrote that Sloane Ranger's handbook sometime in the 1980's; on this basis, whoever ghost-wrote Adrian Edmondson's How To Be A Complete Bastard should have been doing the voiceovers for The Nazis - A Warning From History. Now, while the basic idea - that you might be able to get the measure of the man from the music he chooses to listen to - is a good one, the show suffered from three basic flaws.

Firstly, it relied on those elements of her record collection that were held in safe keeping by Paul Burrell (You remember, Your Majesty? Butler man. He told you he was looking after them for you. Do you remember?), which obviously strained the format before it began.

Secondly, Diana's musical taste has been picked over so many times, you could tick off the bands before they appeared (Duran Duran)?

Third, rather than use the music to try and imagine where Diana's head might have really been, they drew up ten artists she liked, made a list of what they know about Diana, and then joined up the two lists any old how. So, 'Rocking All Over The World'? Right, well, we know that they played that at Live Aid, and she "boogied" when Status Quo played it, and Prince Charles was wearing earplugs (this is meant to suggest he wasn't listening and was some way out of touch - but nearly all rock acts wear hearing protection, too) so that must show that they'd grown apart by this point as their reactions to Status Quo were different.

Trouble is, this supposes that Diana's reaction was like a young persons - whereas, at the time of Live Aid, dancing in an awkward geography teacher way to Status Quo smacked of middle aged, middle class values. Charles bored look was more in keeping with what the youth were thinking.

The programme was sloppy in other ways - "Most people believe [Lady In Red] was written about Diana" claimed York, which is rubbish - everybody has heard the story about how it was written for DeBurgh's bloody wife about six hundred times; it's like trying to claim that people think the original Candle In The Wind was written for Diana.

But where it scored was in the things it didn't set out to do. Once again it exposed just how dull, smug and self-satisified the old Radio 2 school are. Cliff Richard took the opportunity to moan again that he's not played on the radio, you know, and said "It's been said that 'Some People' [his song, not the Belouis Some track] was Diana's favourite song. She had very good taste" and then proceeded to tell a tale about how Diana, Harry, former Radio One DJ Mike Reid and he sat around jamming after a hard day's skiing.

Apparently, Harry asked for Great Balls of Fire, which Reid and Richard took as a request for them to sing, but we suspect may have been a call for judgement to rain down from God. Leo Sayer told a spectacularly immodest story about being told by Burrell that Diana would lock herself in her room and play one of his songs over and over again. Considering he was meant to be so discrete, Burrell seemed to blab an awful lot, didn't he? Sayer's reaction was to say "Wayne Sleep had already told me that." Nice. Locking yourself in with Leo Sayer is a cry for help if we ever heard one.

To try and provide some sense that she wasn't just a dumb blonde with godawful taste (Uptown Girl?) they tried to suggest she'd been developing an interest in classical music - because she had a Verdi album and went to see Pavarotti. Yeah, my Dad met Meatloaf in a toilet once. It doesn't make him Howlin' Wolf.

Then over to the Greatest Britons, where Lennon looked even more out of place amongst the others than he had when the list was just a list. Even Alan Davies, there supposedly to speak for the dead Beatle, admitted that he thought Shakespeare was better.

The most interesting aspects of the two shows were the copyright messages that snuck in. As the credits rolled for Greatest Britons, we were warned that "Imagine - Sole worldwide copyright of Yoko Ono" (or words to that effect) and during the Di doc, Nothing Compares 2U was doctored so that we never saw a glimpse of Sinead without the acknowledgement that it was Universal's property we were seeing. Self-aggrandising and unneccesary.