Not recognising Elvis could be a bad sign

You know those pub quizzes where they give you an unusual photo of a famous person to see if you can identify them? Failing at that doesn't just mean you don't get to win the bottle of wine, but it could be an early sign that you've got dementia.

Yes, according to the Daily Express (and therefore, probably not according to actual doctors) not being able to spot Elvis could be a symptom:

Dr Doug Brown, of the Alzheimer’s Society, said: “We all forget a face. But when ability to recognise someone as famous as Elvis or Diana becomes an issue it may be there is a deeper-rooted cause.”

Possibly, although Elvis died 36 years ago, and is it fair to assume that he's still such a cultural norm that his face is useful in this way.

It's unclear if you should or shouldn't be able to recognise all the Kardashians as part of good mental health.

Gordon in the morning: Thin content

There's an especially vicious piece in Gordon's realm this morning, as Miranda Prynne (pronounced "pryin'", presumably) writes some copy around a picture of Lucy Davis shopping:

THE Office star Lucy Davis shows the strain in the wake of her marriage break-up.

The actress, 39 — who played receptionist Dawn Tinsley in the hit TV comedy — appeared gaunt as she went shopping in Los Angeles.
[...]
Her ultra-thin look is a far cry from the curvy figure she had during her Office days.

Only then does Pryin' mention that there's probably a medical reason for this:

Lucy’s weight has fluctuated since she had a kidney transplant in 1997 after renal failure.

The actress, the daughter of comedian Jasper Carrott, also developed diabetes.

Running a photo of woman who has health problems and tutting 'doesn't she look gaunt' over the top of them? What an ornament to our national life Gordon's team are.

Gordon in the morning: Aah, aah, aah, aah

Let's leave Gordon's desk for a while, and look instead over at the Sun's health pages. They have news about a public education campaign:

THE Bee Gees hit Stayin' Alive is at the heart of a new campaign launched today — to save the lives of cardiac arrest victims.
[...]
It says that pumping the chest at between 110 and 120 beats per minute — the same rate as the 1978 hit — is more effective than a poor breath resuscitation attempt.

The charity is launching the TV campaign, backed by the UK Resuscitation Council, aiming to give people confidence to use the CPR technique.

Actor and former soccer ace Vinnie Jones will feature in the "Hard And Fast" ads showing people the proper way to do chest compressions in 40 seconds.

No word on what you should do when you reach the middle eight.

In other "news", Lee 'elpehants are dying' Ryan had been due to go into the Big Brother house but has apparently been dumped after asking for too much money.

It's a pity for Ryan - looking at the rest of the rumoured line-up (the other one from Pineapple Dance Studios; someone from The Only Way Is Essex; a couple of people who've actually appeared on terrestrial television some years back) it might have been the first time he'd have been the most famous person in a room.

He's going to be replaced by Romeo, who was one of the So Solid Crew but presumably has been selected on the strength of his more recent work, as a best man in Don't Tell The Bride.

My Mom, My Flag, My 94.9: Danny Baker's coming back...

BBC London have shared some happy news:

"Cats and kittens, great and good, riff and raff, hot ginger and dynamite.

Last Friday while watching yet two more dubious DVD's - "And The Same To You" an atrocious 1960 boxing farce starring Brian Rix and "Not So Dusty" a pretty good 1956 romp about a couple of dustmen starring Bill Owen - I realized things could not go on like this forever, sweet though the living was. What was I doing with my life?

With some trepidation I opened my old trunk of showbiz memorabilia that dates my career from my very first TV appearance as the toddler on the Dickie Henderson Show right up to the Good Attendance rosette I received last year from the Gillard Radio Award People for showing up every year at their big night for no apparent reason. Fighting back a tear I was suddenly overwhelmed at just how good this business had been to an old hoofer like me. I saw new perspective on the reviews of my work that I had previously seen as negative: terms like "washed up" "leper of the airwaves" and "over Radio Two's dead body" began to have a new meaning for me. A challenge if you will. Surely at just 61, I had something more to offer than another busted flush like the Cat & Dog Super Bowl and endless days watching "What A Carve Up"?

Therefore I intend to un-retire again. I shall return to BBC London on Monday April 18th at 3pm to give it another go. I realize this will reduce Steve Wright's overall audience figures by more than 300 but it's a tough game we're in Steve. It's just a few vowels from Radio To Rodeo you know.

Likewise it is not my intention to do a "Jay Leno" to Gary Crowley but, down in his heart, he knew this day would come. That he is one of the richest men in British Broadcasting should bring him some succor. I am also endorsing his push to purchase Heart FM and make it an "All Mod. All Day." station.

Anyway, unless the medics make some last gasp cruel objection, that's how it is.

The 18th at 3. Not the other way round.

Croaky, thinner but none the wiser,

DB"

Hats may, at your discretion, be worn on the side of your heads.

Rihanna officially looks only half a million bucks

Rihanna spends half a million dollars a year on her body, apparently:

The 22-year-old is reported to be spending £980 a day on a personal trainer and £520 on a chef.

For that sort of money, you could sit on the sofa eating chips and cake, and just have your brain stuck into a younger, fitter body each December. (Looking forward to seeing the contextual ads served around this paragraph.)

Seriously, though: a thousand dollars a day for a personal trainer? Boy, did she ever get stitched up when she went to the gym on Janaury 2nd.

Imbruglia campaigns against fistula

Natalie Imbruglia's call for the UN to do more about fistula is noteworthy in itself.

It's not enough for the Associated Press, though, which feels the need to somehow shunt one of her songs into the story:

In her most famous song, "Torn," Natalie Imbruglia sings of loneliness and shame.

They are feelings the Australian pop star is hoping to spare hundreds of thousands of women suffering with fistula.

If you had to make a weak link between a song and a medical condition, could there be any more ill-advised idea than to unite Torn and fistula?

Breaking News: Jacko hospitalised - TMZ

TMZ is reporting that Michael Jackson has been hospitalised with what the scuttlers are claiming is a heart attack.

Glastonbury 2009: Testing times

Who says the ticket to Glastonbury isn't good value? This year, you're going to get a free chlamydia test as part of the package.

Although quite how you're supposed to enjoy a Status Quo set having just been told you've got a sexually transmitted disease isn't entirely clear.

The testing idea is great; I'm not sure it's the right circumstances in which to offer it.

N-Dubz: Just fancy that

Goodness, whoever would have thought? Despite Gordon Smart's panicky reports last week, Tulisa from N-Dubz doesn't have swine flu at all. Just ordinary, common-or-garden, actually-kills-more-people-than-swine-flu, flu.

Oddly, Gordon hasn't found space to reassure the readers he "worried" last week.

Gordon in the morning: Swines and stripping

More on swine flu, then, as Oasis turn up in the wrong place at the wrong time - no, not the music scene anytime after 1998 in this case, but Venezuela in a time of mild crisis. (And it is only a mild concern there at the moment; most of the country's response to swine flu is about trying to cope with flights redirected from Mexico.)

Gordon, though, has the Mancunians in the very pit of health hell:

LIAM and NOEL GALLAGHER have been stuck indoors for a couple of days, only venturing out wearing surgical masks to protect their prized lungs from the potentially fatal virus.

Actually, since you ask, the team at The Sun have photoshopped face masks on to pictures of the Gallagher brothers wearing face masks.

On a more serious note, Oasis haven’t had much luck across the Pond over the years.

Noel said in a Q magazine interview that the band could have been bigger than THE BEATLES in America, but Liam threw their big chance away by being a yob.

Uh-oh. Noel's already suffering from delusions and hallucinations. Someone needs to get the Tamiflu to him.

Gordon seems unsure of how to play this story. Is it knockabout fun - with facemask photoshopping, or is it a serious threat to this nation's most precious lungs?

In the end, the punning wins out:

Just make sure you survive the virus floating about South America first, Liam.

Get some oinkment for your chest.

Oinkment? Because it's called swine flu? But why would putting ointment on your chest help you "survive a virus"?

Still, that's not the worst pun in the piece. Oh no.

Aye up mask kid ... Liam Gallagher gets the Biz mock-up treatment

No. Eye watering though that might be, even that isn't the worst one.

Prepare yourself:

Champagne pork-anova ... Noel as he might look in mask

Champagne porkanova?

Elsewhere, there's perhaps the least surprising celebrity statement ever:

JENNIFER ELLISON couldn’t care less if men get turned on by her sexy mag shoots – because she’s only in it for the money.

The busty pin-up admits she strips off for the pay cheques – and will continue to while she’s in demand.

Tim Nixon has filed this for Bizarre, apparently thinking we might have thought that Ellison was removing her bra for Nuts out of some sort of artistic impulse.

Michael Jackson stays at home

There is simply no health scare that cannot be raised a couple of pitches in hysteria by the addition of Michael Jackson to the mix. Jackson was, we're told, due to inspect mansions this weekend, to decide where he'll stay while occupying Greenwich.

Not now, though:

But the 50-year-old father of three has delayed his visit until fears surrounding the swine flu - H1N1 virus - subside, according to the Daily Express.

Oh. The Daily Express. We hardly need worry about this further, then, except to point out that it's likely that the UK peak in swine flu cases will be during next winter's flu season, so if Jackson's really staying away until the "fears" have passed, it's going to put a wrinkle in this summer's concert schedule. And, given that America is currently experiencing a higher impact from swine flu than the UK, isn't, if anything, Jackson to be more likely to infect us, than we, him?

I think Tim Harper's Twitter has the best dispatch of this story, though:

RT @TelegraphNews:Swine flu: Michael Jackson 'worried about flying to Britain' - thought he wore a mask anyway?

[@tim_harper]

Global Radio menaces Ben Goldacre

Ben Goldacre - scourge of bad scientists worldwide - wrote a short feature condemning LBC presenter Jeni Barnett's ignorant and dangerous spouting on vaccinations. In the interests of fairness, he included a long clip of the broadcast about which he was complaining.

For his trouble, he's been hit with legal threats from Global Radio. Goldacre generously assumes the company is merely trying to protect its revenue (unbelievably, you can buy old editions of the Barnett programme for four pounds a pop). It's more likely that LBC are embarrassed at the idea of someone pointing out that they give a platform for biased nonsense and want to shut down any discussion of the programmes that they are unable to control.

Goldacre is appealing for help from anyone who knows a bit of media law.

Darkness at 3AM: Something's fishy

Sorry... did 3AM just say

Madonna to hit the fish in an attempt to beat age

Yes, yes, they did:

We're told: "It means she got a more cardiointensive gym regime and a diet overhaul. And she'll be eating more salmon as it's got age-defying properties. Her aim is to knock 12 years off."

And how do 3AM react to this palpable fish toss?

Makes us tired just thinking about it...

Now, nobody expects the 3AM team to have much interesting to say, but "ooh, that sounds tiring" as a response to a claim that Madonna is going to make herself younger by eating "age-defying" salmon? I know Ben Goldacre isn't a 3AM team member, but surely even they must spot that having a bit of salmon doesn't suddenly make you younger? Surely? It's like until the thing got to the subs nobody at the Mirror had even noticed the fish bit.

[Small Fish Balls from Flickr]

Michael Jackson is healthy

Despite what the Sunday Express might have told you, Michael Jackson isn't looking to have his lungs replaced:

Dr Tohme Tohme said in a statement issued to Reuters that stories claiming the singer was unwell were not true.

He added that author Ian Halperin made the claims to promote his unauthorised biography of the 50-year-old singer.

"The writer's wild allegations concerning Mr Jackson's health are a total fabrication," he said.

Although, of course, last month when Jackson's people told the High Court that he was too unwell to travel to give evidence, back then he was seriously unwell. Since then he's got so much better, though. Fighting fit.

Gordon in the morning: Now with Francis Rossi

The story about doctors recommending neck braces for headbangers has got Gordon Smart all annoyed:

IT’S enough to give heavy metal fans a headache.

Health and safety experts want to pull the plug on headbanging – the skull-shaking dance craze which started at a Led Zeppelin gig in 1968.

He's so angry, he's called in Francis Rossi to join him in an anger-swamp:

WHEN I heard that experts are advising headbangers to wear neck braces, I thought it must be a joke.

That, Francis, is because, erm, it was a joke. It was a bit of fluff for the Christmas edition of the British Medical Journal. They weren't actually seriously suggesting that you wear neck braces to heavy rock gigs. It was meant to be lighthearted...

[T]he nanny state would have had a field day with us.

There have been so many times that we’ve nearly decapitated each other by swinging our guitars around our heads.

Even if they weren't joking - which they were, and you're getting all annoyed about something meant as a joke - they're university researchers and not part of the "nanny state", and were only making suggestions, not prescribing rules. But it was a joke anyway.

[T]here’s a difference between taking care of yourself and being totally paranoid in life.

What, you mean like being so paranoid someone writes a tongue-in-cheek article for a Christmas edition of a magazine and you're so blinded by belief that people are trying to do you down that you write an opinion column for a national newspaper? That sort of paranoid?

Not so long ago, RICK (PARFITT) twisted his ankle on stage from rocking out during a gig. What did he do?

He carried on playing and sorted it out afterwards.

If health and safety had been there, no doubt they would have carted him off on a stretcher and kitted the rest of us out with protective bodywear.

Yeah - damn health and safety and their nannying ways, theoretically trying to stop Rick Parfitt from having a nasty injury which might have caused him mobility problems in later life, if they'd been there, whoever "health and safety" might be.

Some people even look on a sore neck and ringing ears the morning after a gig as the sign of a good night.

I wonder if Pete Townshend might like to take Rossi to one side and explain exactly why that might be an especially dangerous thing to say. Somehow, Rossi has managed to take a joke and turn it into something that could potentially persuade people to put their hearing at risk. You'd have thought that Gordon might have had the wit to remove that line.

Atomic Kitten against the fats

Natasha Hamilton has taken time off from frisking customers going to her nightclub to visit Downing Street as part of a campaign against unhealthy food:

“As a mum I’m always conscious of needing to make sure my kids stay healthy and active.

“We play such a key role in shaping our children’s future so from an early age I’ve taught my kids to understand the importance of having a balanced diet and that they only have junk food as an occasional treat.

“It’s up to us as parents to act now and help protect the health and wellbeing of our children.”

Natasha is part of a campaign that's trying to reduce the amount of time nasty, unhealthy food gets advertised on TV. Man, I know the other ex-Kittens didn't get on with Katona now, but trying to get Gordon Brown to banish her from TV? That's harsh.

Last night a Bee Gee saved my life

It turns out - according to the University of Illinois, anyway - that Stayin' Alive by the Bee Gees has the perfect beat to train people to do CPR:

The study by the University of Illinois College of Medicine saw 15 doctors and students performing CPR (cardiopulmonary resuscitation) on mannequins while listening to Stayin' Alive. They were asked to their time chest compressions with the beat.

Five weeks later, they did the same drill without the music, but were told to think of the song while doing compressions.

The average number of compressions the first time was 109 per minute; the second time it was 113 - more than recommended by the American Heart Association, but better than too few, according to Dr Matlock.

"It drove them and motivated them to keep up the rate, which is the most important thing," he told the Associated Press.

Sadly, though, a similar experiment by the Illinois Fire And Rescue Department using New York Mining Disaster 1941 resulted in the death of seven coal miners.

Turn that noise down. No, really.

MC Glammer emails us with a timely reminder about the Control of Noise at Work Regulations 2005. From April, the definition of a workplace will include music venues, with, as MC points out, consequences:

The acceptable exposure limit for staff during an 8-hours shift is 85dB. For every 3 dBs above that limit the acceptable exposure time is halved, so by the time you get to, say, a pub band in a small bar (approx 115dB) the exposure time is down to 5 minutes.

To be frank, five minutes of most pub bands is probably more than enough anyway.

The Health and Safety Executive's approach seems to be conciliatory and keen to find ways to work with the live music scene - rather than sending in blokes with clipboards to unplug speaker stacks - but for some venues, the month after next is going to be a strange environment to operate in.

A mother's gift, the sweetest smile

Amy Winehouse's Mum has told GMTV that Amy's coming back:

"Amy's coming back, she's definitely on the road back."

Although, of course, that's not a medical opinion.

Janis Winehouse was pleased Amy didn't go to the Grammys:

"I think it would have been too much for her because all of the travelling and flying there," she said.

"I mean seeing what the Grammys were like, I thought if Amy were there, she'd be a little girl lost in it."

Yes, because when you're used to rehab, prisons, crackdens and The Hawley Arms, being in a nice hotel surrounded by businessmen would have you all at sixes and sevens, wouldn't it?

Bookmarks: Some stuff to read on the internet

Bradford Cox writes about his heart condition and his healing music project:

The girl next to me was a really sad situation. She was the daughter of a high profile player for the Atlanta Braves. She contracted E-Coli from a Whitewater amusement park and was in terrible pain and screamed constantly. Her parents had to leave her at night and she just screamed and screamed and I tried to drown it out with my walkman. One day I woke up and her bed was gone and there was no screaming. She had died in the middle of the night. That's how I spent my sixteenth summer. Which might explain why I refer to that age so much on Cryptograms. It was like an invisible summer that never happened.

Stuart Maconie in The Times argues that this, this is our Golden Age:

Do you know what’s at No 1 right now? OK, it’s probably something from The X Factor but you take my point. Unless you’re Simon Cowell nobody gives a toss about the charts except for a week in late December when it becomes a kind of dull tabloid equivalent of the Boat Race. Is this such a bad thing? What matters more to you, whether the new Morrissey/ KT Tunstall/ Sigur Rós album is any good? Or its first-week chart placing?

... and, Jude Rogers makes a similar point in The Guardian's Film and Music supplement:

Thom, Damon and Noel and the post-punk pinchers rule only if you choose to track contemporary music as a guitar-obsessed timeline. Second: the idea that hunting for music these days is an easy task is nonsense. The internet may have made the act of searching simpler, but the profusion of music online means finding good stuff is still as tricky as the Velvelettes trying to find their needle in a haystack.

What this explosion does do, however, is expand our chances of finding like-minded souls who might point us in the right direction. Then factor in the number of emerging artists, plus the pressure on major labels to stop being "boring" (thanks, Mr McCartney) and engage with an internet audience. Now tell me this decade isn't amazingly alive.