You have to feel sorry for Kerry Katona

She can't even get married without being upstaged by one of the others from Atomic Kitten:

FORMER Atomic Kitten pop star Natasha Hamilton has thanked Bristol’s Southmead Hospital after she went into suspected labour at bandmate Kerry Katona’s wedding.

That's a way to upstage the bride.

Her baby’s dad is Ritchie Neville, 35, from boyband 5ive, so the baby, who they have already decided to call Ella, will be 90s pop royalty.

90s pop royalty being approximately equal to a pre-unification Germanic duchy, really, and even on that scale the baby is one of those royals a long way from the throne. Kind of King Ralph distance.

“It was a late wedding, so the speeches were going on at 9pm when Natasha started feeling a bit sick."

We can only imagine.

Everyone ended up alright, thanks to the NHS. Although Katona might be slightly less than thrilled at the stealing of thunder.

Do you ever find yourself wondering what Natasha Hamilton is up to these days?

Of course you don't.

Still, since we've brought it up, she's keeping herself busy as a latter-day Jimmy Savile.

Not like that.

A school in Hornsey rolled out the red carpet when one of the Atomic Kittens dropped by.

Pop star Natasha Hamilton visited Rokesly Infant School, in Hermiston Avenue, to teach children about road safety.

Still, a gig's a gig, eh? And a solo gig is a... hang on... you say this wasn't a solo gig?

She teamed up with the character Belt from the children’s film The Croods to mark Belt Up Week.

I suppose if you're playing second fiddle, better a fictional sloth than Kerry Katona, eh?

The reason why this school was chosen is a bit odd:

The school was one of only five schools from across the country to be recognised for its contribution to road safety over the years.

If the school is one of the five best at road safety, wouldn't it make more sense for Belt and Kitten to go and visit one of the ones that are less good at it?

Thank you, ITV2. Thank you very much.

Fun quiz! Here's an extract from The Book Of Revelations. But, hidden inside, there's a Tweet from Natasha Hamilton announcing a new single from Atomic Kitten. Can you spot which bit is that most terrible thing?

To the Church in Pergamum

12 “To the angel of the church in Pergamum write:

These are the words of him who has the sharp, double-edged sword. 13 I know where you live—where Satan has his throne. Yet you remain true to my name. You did not renounce your faith in me, not even in the days of Antipas, my faithful witness, who was put to death in your city—where Satan lives.

14 Nevertheless, I have a few things against you: There are some among you who hold to the teaching of Balaam, who taught Balak to entice the Israelites to sin so that they ate food sacrificed to idols and committed sexual immorality. 15 Likewise, you also have those who hold to the teaching of the Nicolaitans. 16 I'm off the studio to vocal @AtomicKOfficial potential come-back single!! Could today get anymore freakin' exciting! 17 Repent therefore! Otherwise, I will soon come to you and will fight against them with the sword of my mouth.

18 Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who is victorious, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give that person a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to the one who receives it.

Gordon in the morning: Again with the Kitten fights

Another story about behind the scenes trouble at the negotiations to bring back Atomic Kitten:

Lead singer Natasha [Hamilton], 29, has told managers she will walk if Jenny Frost, 34, and Kerry Katona, 31, are both in the new line-up.

Lead singer? I'm not sure either word there is correct.

Is the world really that interested in what might or might not be happening behind the scenes; or is The Sun trying to convince us that we should be?

Natasha Hamilton shutters H

Natasha Hamilton out-of-Atomic-Kitten's H nightclub has achieved a notable first: it's become the first nightclub in the UK to be closed twice because of violence.

The club, in Victoria Street, was closed down last September after a stabbing inside. According to the Echo, the latest incident was equally, if not more, grisly:

Two door staff suffered knife wounds, one to his chest and another to his hand, while a third man also suffered stab injuries after trouble spilled outside.

Merseyside Police said a customer was armed with a knife inside H Bar, although this is disputed by the club management.

A man was also kicked unconscious and was found in the street with a switch blade by his side.

You've got to love the idea that management are objecting to the idea that there was guy inside the club. "Sure, there are people bleeding all over the place, but there wasn't a guy with a knife inside."

Natasha has now decided that maybe running a nightclub which attracts the stabby set might not be such a good idea, and is going to close H and open it as something else:

Her manager Martin O’Shea told the ECHO: “H Bar is finished. Natasha can’t be associated with a place that is mentioned in the same breath as stabbings and gangsters."

Although, erm, it was being mentioned in the same breath as stabbings and gangsters back in September last year, and it reopened that time.

Atomic Kitten against the fats

Natasha Hamilton has taken time off from frisking customers going to her nightclub to visit Downing Street as part of a campaign against unhealthy food:

“As a mum I’m always conscious of needing to make sure my kids stay healthy and active.

“We play such a key role in shaping our children’s future so from an early age I’ve taught my kids to understand the importance of having a balanced diet and that they only have junk food as an occasional treat.

“It’s up to us as parents to act now and help protect the health and wellbeing of our children.”

Natasha is part of a campaign that's trying to reduce the amount of time nasty, unhealthy food gets advertised on TV. Man, I know the other ex-Kittens didn't get on with Katona now, but trying to get Gordon Brown to banish her from TV? That's harsh.

Natasha Hamilton gets a second chance

H, Natasha Hamilton's alleged gangster honeypot nitespot, has been allowed to reopen on the strict understanding that it installs a metal detector for customers to pass through on their way in.

Because nothing says chi-chi metrosexual sophistication like clattering through the equivalent of an airport checkpoint, does it?

The Echo insists this is a first:

A NIGHTSPOT owned by a former Atomic Kitten star will become the first in the city to have an airport-style metal detector on its door.

Really? Then what was that large beeping thing you used to have to navigate in order to get into the short-lived indie club that took over The State's premises on Dale Street? I'm especially aware of it because one evening - after, admittedly, having over-enjoyed the doubles bar at the Old Post Office - it took me about five goes to get through the bloody thing what with coins, buckles, zippers and so on.

H blocked

Atomic Kitten Natasha Hamilton's H club lost its appeal against the suspension of its licence. Hamilton will fight for her club, she insists. Although not by coming home:

Natasha’s manager, Martin O’Shea, said the singer – currently in New York – was devastated by the police allegations.

He said: “In the 10 months since H opened there has not been one single incident.

“It has done untold damage to the good name of Natasha Hamilton, who has devoted much time to supporting anti-gun and anti-knife campaigns in her home city.

“Natasha will do everything possible to change the police's opinions of the club.”

The "not one single incident" does, of course, require you to add the words "up until those two guys got stabbed there last weeked, fled before the cops arrived and then refused to answer any questions when the cops caught up with them" for yourself.

The Liverpool Echo claims that some of the regulars are on the police list which instructs officers to not approach them "without armed back-up".

Former Kitten in trouble - no, not Katona this time

One of the more-balanced Atomic Kittens, Natasha Hamilton, has quietly been making a new life for herself as a bar owner in Liverpool. It's been going well, so far.

So far.

Liverpool City Council has closed the place down on police advice, suspending the licence:

PC Moore [told the licensing meeting]: “Several gun crime nominals have been seen in frequenting the premises and are known to be active in criminality in the city. At a meeting with the directors in August, we voiced concern about the calibre of clientele and that some of the characters frequenting the club have the capacity to carry lethal weapons.”

Isn't the "capacity to carry lethal weapons" having hands and perhaps a belt? I know he meant "may own lethal weapons", but could he not say that?

The club had started checking for knives and guns on Fridays and Saturdays; their suggestion to try and save the licence was to really crack down and see if people were bringing in knives every night of the week. It's possibly a little too late, given that people were stabbed in the H Bar on Sunday night/Monday morning.

The H Bar is appealing against the decision; the appeal will be heard tomorrow.

Hamilton has pronounced herself gobsmacked:

“Since we opened the bar nearly a year ago there has not been a single incident of violence or disorder of any kind and the atmosphere we have generated has been fantastic.”

“We pride ourselves on the safety and security of all of the crowd who fill H every weekend and that of our staff."

Not a single incident of violence or disorder. Erm, apart from the double stabbing, of course.

Kitten: We were right to keep out Katona

Natasha Hamilton has defended not inviting Kerry Katona back for the recent Atomic Kitten reunion:

Well, she left the band, didn't she? When we stopped the band, it was me, Jenny and Liz, so that's how we'll proceed in the future."

Let's try not to worry too much about the threat implicit in the last few words there, and just wonder if Hamilton is, perhaps, playing up to the stereotype by pretending not to quite grasp the concept of a "reunion".

Had Katona been invited, the record would have been worse than it was; but the extra press interest might have managed to flog a few more. And it was meant to be for charity, wasn't it?

It's the Capital of Culture, don'tcha know?

Liverpool's Christmas this year is a big one: marking the end of the city's birthday celebrations, and the start of a year as Europe's Capital of Culture.

So, who's turning on the Christmas lights on such a major occasion?

Natasha Hamilton. Oh, and Eton Road:

Natasha Hamilton will sing two songs and Eton Road, who with former band member Anthony Hannah also starred at the switch-on last year, will sing their own composition Wishing and Mika’s hit Grace Kelly.

Presumably Sonia was already booked up?

You start with Morrissey... and work your way down to this

Although Morrissey has ruled himself out of the Eurovision race, that doesn't mean Britain won't be represented in Helsinki by some top-flight entertainers.

Oh, actually: yes, it does. Justin Hawkins is going to be competing.

As is Natasha Hamilton - yes, Atomic Kitten's Natasha Hamilton.

And so are Big Brovaz. Yes, the poor man's Fugees (all phew, no gee) who are planning a comeback in early Spring.

Oh, and Brian Harvey, fresh from the newly rebroken East 17 and hoping that no rogue potato might frustrate him again.

And Scooch. Yes, Mike Stock and Matt Aitken's proof that Pete Waterman was the magic ingredient. They're embarking on a second comeback - you'll remember, of course, they reunited in 2004.

The only fresh face - the Chantelle in a room full of Prestons, if you will - is Cyndi. Such is the reek of old men at the youth club with the other contestants, we did make sure it was a new popstar and not Cyndi Lauper.

God help us all. We're backing France.

When Kittens grow catty

Natasha Hamilton has ruled out inviting Kerry Katona to her wedding - which, since she was happy to see Katona booted out Atomic Kitten isn't that surprising, is it? She says she does keep tabs on what Katona is up to, though:

"I saw in a magazine that Kerry's about to drop! I'm sure I'll see her again. We'll probably bump into each other."

There's an unspoken "... if my car ever breaks down in Warrington and I have to take shelter from a thunderstorm in some godforsaken branch of that place that sells Bernard Matthews Turkey Flu Shapes" there, isn't there?