And it never really began

Well, bang goes our planned idea to review this year's Eurovision acts in terms of Smiths songs (Slovenia: Girlfriend in a coma; Netherlands - Paint a paint a vulgar picture; it would have been a hoot, I tell you.)

Morrissey's supposed desire to rescue the UK's pride in Eurovision has come to naught, as he's just too busy to find the time. God alone knows what he's doing - soaking the labels off marmalade jars or weighing up competing tax regimes, probably.

We hear Gareth Gates is still free.