You have to feel sorry for Kerry Katona

She can't even get married without being upstaged by one of the others from Atomic Kitten:

FORMER Atomic Kitten pop star Natasha Hamilton has thanked Bristol’s Southmead Hospital after she went into suspected labour at bandmate Kerry Katona’s wedding.

That's a way to upstage the bride.

Her baby’s dad is Ritchie Neville, 35, from boyband 5ive, so the baby, who they have already decided to call Ella, will be 90s pop royalty.

90s pop royalty being approximately equal to a pre-unification Germanic duchy, really, and even on that scale the baby is one of those royals a long way from the throne. Kind of King Ralph distance.

“It was a late wedding, so the speeches were going on at 9pm when Natasha started feeling a bit sick."

We can only imagine.

Everyone ended up alright, thanks to the NHS. Although Katona might be slightly less than thrilled at the stealing of thunder.

Katona cancels; loses battle

Tonight, there was meant to be an 80s v 90s face-off in Blackpool, but Kerry Katona has pulled out after realising she couldn't remember the words to the Iceland commercials ("after an incident-packed week at home").

This means the 1980s wins by a walkover. The 80s were pleased, telling local reporters that they felt honour was restored "after what Atomic Kitten did to The Tide Is High". The decade will now go on to face down One Direction, with a special focus on One Way or Another.

Kerry Katona makes the Savile story about her

Today's Guardian Lost In Showbiz is very good on how Kerry Katona attempts to make the Savile story less about the raping of children in hospitals, and more about people looking at her in a funny way:

These are described in blunt, stark prose, the better to communicate their full horror: "He looked at us in a pervy way."

That must have been horrific, especially with Atomic Kitten's wholesome image being a world away from the sexualisation of school children, right?

Gordon in the morning: Again with the Kitten fights

Another story about behind the scenes trouble at the negotiations to bring back Atomic Kitten:

Lead singer Natasha [Hamilton], 29, has told managers she will walk if Jenny Frost, 34, and Kerry Katona, 31, are both in the new line-up.

Lead singer? I'm not sure either word there is correct.

Is the world really that interested in what might or might not be happening behind the scenes; or is The Sun trying to convince us that we should be?

Gordon in the morning: You can make me whole again

Worrying news from the Atomic Kitten reunion talks: there's still a prospect of an Atomic Kitten reunion.

There is, however, a sticking point:

PLANS to re-form Atomic Kitten have turned into a stand-off between Jenny Frost and Kerry Katona.

Jenny, 34, refuses to rejoin the band if founder member Kerry, 31, is going to be in it too.

The reunion is built around a TV series, and there's no way this is an attempt to raise interest in the comeback before they start shooting.

You'd have to wonder how much interest there'd be, relatively, in a reunion featuring nation's sweetheart-turned-nation's cokehead-turned-nation's comeback queen-turned-and-turned-again Katona compared to one without her; generally, a Katona-less Kitten would have the star power of a Take That consisting mostly of Donalds and Oranges.

Still, there's work being done behind the scenes:

Now manager Martin O'Shea is said to be frantically trying to compromise.

How, exactly, would that work? Katona in the band, but has to wear a mask? Katona in the band, but not allowed to sing or dance in time with the other two? Getting the origianl Sugababes in instead?

Darkness at 3AM: Thinking of the children

The Mirror's gossip team stick their fingers into Kerry Katona's misery again:

Brian McFadden is so furious with ex Kerry Katona for yelling at their kids in a C4 show he has demanded they spend the summer holidays in Oz, with him. Molly, eight, and Lilly-Sue, seven, will fly to Sydney today. Brian said: "It really upsets me when she uses the kids in her TV shows. I don't like them being pawns in a story."

Yes. That's the best way to stop the kids being pawns in a story, by telling the press that you want the kids with you, away from being used as a cheap way of generating headlines.

Katona winds down the death clock

Last week, the News Of The World helped make Kerry Katona's miserable life a bit more miserable. This week, it's seeing if it can't do something about the 'life' part of the miserable life, splashing a headline:

Kerry: I'll Die Young

It's not clear yet if the headline is a premonition, or if it's part of the deal she's willing to make in order to get another series of her MTV programme.

Gordon in the morning: Back to reporting Amy Winehouse's movements in intricate detail

How can you make "Amy Winehouse is going to Miami" into a lead story? You can't, but Gordon will give it a go, nevertheless.

Let's just look at the glorious URL in full:
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/2592680/Amy-Winehouse-is-heading-back-to-Miami-two-years-a-few-tears-and-a-divorce-since-her-last-explosive-visit-when-she-married-Blake-Fielder-Civil.html

That's quite a web address.

In a bid to try and stretch the thin detail into something that will fill a hole, a "source" is conjured up to give Amy the possibility of a phantom pregnancy:

"All her friends are worried though. She has mentioned she might meet Blake when he leaves rehab in Sheffield.

"Even more worrying is the fact that she has been feeling broody. That would be the ultimate disaster - the spawn of Fielder-Civil."

The Sun is famously cold and unloving, but I think Gordon's made-up quote hits a new low even for that paper: it's condemning a child as an "ultimate disaster" not just before it's been born, not just before it's been conceived, but at the stage of it being a vague conceptual-but-unlikely possibility. I'm confused - what do you want the people of the village to actually burn, Gordon?

Meanwhile, Iceland have dumped Kerry Katona from their adverts, "fearing a backlash" from customers. Which would be understandable, had they not had her fronting commercials for the last four years of one drug-and-addling revelation after another. Iceland have issued a statement:

"We have been working with Kerry for four years.

"She has been a successful part of our advertising campaigns, but has also been through some tough times in her personal life.

"We have always stood by her. However, following the most recent allegations, we feel it is impossible for Kerry to continue to work with us.

"We will continue to try to ensure she gets the most appropriate support, should she require our assistance."

I wonder if that's a legally binding promise, and what sort of "appropriate support" Iceland would offer, given that their expertise is in freezing mini pizzas and discounting Arctic Rolls?

It's impossible to confirm that Iceland dropped Katona this time because they felt her use of a twenty pound note to sniff the cocaine was a distraction from their value message.

That's why Mum's gone to see if Icepick can't sort her out

To be frank, News Of The World, it's not actually as shocking as you think that you've got a video of Kerry Katona doing cocaine. The only really surprise is that she's snorting it through a rolled-up twenty pound note. Where the hell did she get one of those from?

Gordon in the morning: Eating kidneys with relish

All those people hoping for an Atomic Kitten reunion (or "Kerry Katona and her dependents" as they're known) will find Gordon Smart's pages grim reading this morning:

The former ATOMIC KITTEN star [Jenny Frost] reckons she would rather "eat her own kidney" than reform the girl group with original member KERRY KATONA.

Nadia Mendoza knows this because, erm, she read it in Closer.

Quite why a reunion would feature both Frost and Katona, though, who weren't in the band at the same time, isn't explained.

Also, it would be handy to know if Frost meant she'd rip out her own kidney, with her bare hands, before eating it; or if she'd have it removed painlessly and professionally before being served to her. Perhaps the confusion on that point is why Gordon hasn't had his "boffins" create a photoshop image of this event.

In other news: Gordon's obsession with Bruno reminds me of the way three year-olds get fixated on Ice Age.

A bad investment coming from Iceland

Kerry Katona has been rehired by Iceland after "turning her life around". (In other words, after a couple of weeks in which she's not been photographed upside-down in a doorway and a handful of pictures in Reveal of her out jogging.)

I suppose - having stuck with her through the last few years - it would be odd to let her go during a relatively rare period when she's not on the front pages snuffling out an apology for something or other. And it's not like there's any commercial logic to having her and a pretend family pushing frozen gizzards in gravy-style sauce coating in the first place.

Still, Iceland must be delighted to have Kerry fit and healthy to act as a spokesperson for their wonderful range of frozen foods, right? After all, she went to Iceland and got herself in shape, right?

While Kerry admits she allows herself her favourite fatty treats at the weekend, she lives on a diet of Bran Flakes, salad and protein shakes during the week.

She also drinks a pint of water with every meal as well as green tea to speed up her metabolism.

Oh. But perhaps she freezes the Bran Flakes.

Gest saves Katona

There's some good news for Kerry Katona, who has had her sins washed away and been baptised.

There is, of course, some bad news. She's been baptised by David Gest, so you can only imagine the sort of afterlife her immortal soul will be treated to.

Atomic Kitten against the fats

Natasha Hamilton has taken time off from frisking customers going to her nightclub to visit Downing Street as part of a campaign against unhealthy food:

“As a mum I’m always conscious of needing to make sure my kids stay healthy and active.

“We play such a key role in shaping our children’s future so from an early age I’ve taught my kids to understand the importance of having a balanced diet and that they only have junk food as an occasional treat.

“It’s up to us as parents to act now and help protect the health and wellbeing of our children.”

Natasha is part of a campaign that's trying to reduce the amount of time nasty, unhealthy food gets advertised on TV. Man, I know the other ex-Kittens didn't get on with Katona now, but trying to get Gordon Brown to banish her from TV? That's harsh.

Kerry Katona 'erratic' - hold the front page

By the time the tabloids catch up with this story, I'm guessing the phrase "jammed the switchboard" will be making an appearance, but it's nevertheless true that Kerry Katona's wobbly performance on This Morning did lead some people to phone up ITV and ask if she was alright. And others, presumably, to ask why she was on in the first place:

The former Atomic Kitten singer frequently looked around the studio calling for her husband, Mark Croft, as she was interviewed by This Morning presenters Schofield and Fern Britton.

Schofield said ITV had received calls from concerned viewers while the interview was in progress.

At one point Schofield asked her: "You don't seem right to me, you've got the body sorted but your speech is a bit slurred, how are you feeling?"

Katona glanced off camera and seemed shocked as she asked: "Is it?"

Whatever could have caused that? Licking the minipizzas before they'd properly defrosted?

She then admitted her speech may have been slurred but said it was because she was taking prescription drugs.

"That's because I'm on medication at night-time," Katona added. "I had some last night, didn't I Mark?" before trying to see her husband among the crew behind the camera.

Let's not run an eyepiece over the difference between "prescription drugs" and "drugs the doctors have prescribed for her", and just wonder why, in god's name, nobody noticed before Phil Schofield:



[The video, while not entirely NSFW, might contain moments which would make it an uncomfortable office view.]

Iceland? Maybe if it's a special occasion: Katona's bankrupt

If it wasn't such a tragedy, it would be amusing. Kerry Katona was declared bankrupt today after the HMRC failed to receive her last payment of back taxes. The amusing part?

She was not in court to hear her representative, Luke Harris, ask the registrar to put the matter back again.

Mr Harris said funds were available but cheques had not been cleared in time, but said as soon as the money was ready it would be brought to court and handed over.

Yes, she actually tried the "I'm waiting for funds to clear - could you lend me a fiver until tomorrow? Actually, best make it a tenner..." technique. It's not clear if Mr. Harris theatrically patted his pockets before muttering about how his wallet was definitely there when he left the house.

[W]hen called back just before 1300 BST, Mr Harris said he was "not in a position to assist further".

Although there's a chap down his club who owes him fifty, and if you could lend him another ten for the taxi down, he'll be able to pay you in full.

Even Kerry Katona has a reputation to protect

The Sunday Mirror has publicly apologised to Kerry Katona after running a lie that claimed her Mum was going to call her a prostitute in a new book. In their apology in the High Court, the Mirror offered no explanation of why it felt the need to run the story - after all, if you're looking to have a pop at Katona, you don't really need to make stuff up. The case might offer a warning to journalists that even tabloid punchbags have their limits.

Can anyone else smell a bizarre mix of desperation, cocaine and chicken drumstick fat?

Have you ever wished you could smell like Kerry Katona, but don't have the time to sleep in your own clothes?

Good news, she's just launched her own perfume, called Outrageous.

The Liverpool Echo reports:

The French-made scent, whose bottle has a spiky black rubber top, aims to reflect the mother-of-four’s personality and the “outrageous” lies about what she has not done.

We're not sure how the smell reflects Katona's personality, but we're given to understand that once it's on you, no amount of washing or scrubbing will ever rid you of the smell.

Jenny Frost seeks friends for her breasts

Jenny Frost - you'll recall her from such initiatives as that attempt to send Atomic Kitten back to number one early in the Capital Of Culture year - is pushing a campaign to encourage young mothers to breastfeed their babies. She's backing the Breast Buddy scheme, which:

hopes to encourage young mothers in Liverpool to nominate a buddy from their circle of friends and family, to provide practical and emotional support while they breastfeed.

We think by "providing practical support" while mothers breastfeed they don't mean literally.

It sounds like a worthy idea, although we're not entirely clear why you wouldn't just ask one of your mates for a hand rather than go through this bizarre buddying scheme:

Mums-to-be can register for the Breast Buddy initiative by texting BUDDY to 60022.

They will receive a Breast Buddy pack which will also include a text number for them to give to their nominated buddy, so they can receive texts of encouragement to help their friend with breastfeeding.

We're sure that the Echo must have horribly mangled that sentence - presumably the friend to text support to the mothers while they're breastfeeding rather than the other way round? And what exactly would you put into a text encouraging a breastfeeding mother? You Suckle?

Still, it is a great idea. Jenny is presumably texting encouragement to former colleague Kerry Katona as we speak ("try the other one, it might not have so much gin in it.")

Kerry Katona: who knew there were new lows?

Not only was Kerry Katona's baby born prematurely, but surely the release the pictures of the birth has come a little too soon?

In perhaps the most grisly aspect of the story, not only has the poor kid's first seconds been flogged to newspapers, magazines and a TV station, but they've even named it after Max Clifford. Don't social services have some sort of duty to act?

Katona lie-test story suddenly considered interesting

Hold The Front Page! Or at least, change it about a bit. The News of the World has suddenly lifted a makeweight story about Kerry Katona and her husband, Kerry Katona's husband, to the top of the News of the World website. Not because Katona's latest attempt to attract out attention is suddenly interesting; more to do with a writ from Paul Jewell, Derby County's manager, who had a problem with their actual lead.