The harsh face of reality

If you know that Max Clifford is the voice of reason, you can probably guess the sentence has to end "... in a conversation with Sharon Osbourne, at least."

The pair were on a panel at the Guardian's Edinburgh Television Festival debating reality TV, which was most notable for the way the pair were desperate to simultaneously destroy each other's arguments, while not offending their friends and paymasters:

"You know there's a line where people say you can't polish a turd," Osbourne said. "This is the man that polishes turds."

In a heated exchange, Osbourne added that she wasn't referring to Simon Cowell, who Clifford represents and who she famously clashed with on The X Factor, but instead meant his reality TV stars.

When Clifford said he advised his clients not to go on reality shows, Osbourne replied: "If you earn some portion of your living from these people going on these shows bearing their souls, don't knock them."

Osbourne also tried to correct the impression that she quit the X Factor over money (an impression created when Cowell said at the launch of the new series that she quit over demands for more money):

"The X Factor was the best experience of my life, I adored the show as it had done so much for me, but I quit because it was just time for me to go," she said.

"I was talking to a network in America about doing a show with my family and I couldn't do both," she added.

Although Simon Cowell manages to do X Factor, Britain's Got Talent, America's Got Talent and American Idol all at the same time. Even Piers Morgan manages to slime across shows on both sides of the Atlantic - Britain's and America's as well as the misleadingly titled Celebrity Apprentice.

Mark Frith was also on the panel, and to thank him for coming the Guardian finds space for one of his comments:

Former Heat magazine editor Mark Frith, also a panelist, said he had decided to leave the title as the world of celebrity had become "too dark" for him.

"I couldn't look at any more Amy Winehouse pictures with cuts on her arms and put them into an entertaining form," he added.

Frith spun this "oh celebrity has become so dark" line in his diaries, too - but why was he comfortable with running stories laughing at Leslie Ash and pointing fingers of fun at celebrities his magazine suggested might be suffering eating disorders, and all of a sudden decided it was too much? Isn't it surprising that you can run week after week of paparazzi coverage of Britney's breakdown - which, at the very least, wasn't exactly helped by the 24 hour coverage - and then to start tutting about how terrible it all is after you've left the job to pursue other projects? If you shit on the carpet, don't complain about the smell.

Kerry Katona: who knew there were new lows?

Not only was Kerry Katona's baby born prematurely, but surely the release the pictures of the birth has come a little too soon?

In perhaps the most grisly aspect of the story, not only has the poor kid's first seconds been flogged to newspapers, magazines and a TV station, but they've even named it after Max Clifford. Don't social services have some sort of duty to act?

The on-off pregnancy

So, apparently, she hasn't miscarried at all: naturally, we know this because of Max Clifford:

"After further examination it has been revealed that Kerry Katona is still pregnant. Kerry went back into hospital for a medical procedure last night. "However, a blood test revealed surprising results - her pregnancy hormones had gone up, not down."

Mind you, Clifford did also once insist to the papers that Katona "does not take drugs and never has. It's totally untrue, total lies."

It's like one of those Frasiers where Kelsey Grammar is on leave

Max Clifford's comfy position top-slicing Kerry Katona's misery cash is now well-established, The Sun is now running pieces about Katona without needing to bother quoting her:

[Mark Croft] yesterday: “I am not a liar.

“I don’t have to prove it, I’m not doing it [the lie-detector test].”

I’m A Celeb winner Kerry’s publicist Max Clifford said: “It’s very disappointing.

“It begs the question Why?”

Actually, Clifford could just move in with Croft and leave Kerry out the loop entirely.

Oh, and Max? Perhaps Croft doesn't want to take the test because, you know, he's not interested in using his personal screw-ups to turn a few bob. Just a guess.

Kerry prepares to juggle

It's so tricky being a busy working mother, trying to juggle trips to Iceland, your husband's lie-detector test to see if he cheated, renewing wedding vows with him - thank god Kerry Katona has Max Clifford to rely on.

Clifford had been keeping a fairly low profile after that whole telling the world that Kerry had never taken drugs back in December 2005. But he's back at the centre of things now:

Kerry, 26, and ex-cabbie Mark Croft, who have a daughter Heidi, have a deal with a glossy magazine to cover the ceremony. And her publicist Max Clifford tells us: "Mark is desperately trying to make things right between them."

At least until there's a deal signed for "My terrible divorce", of course.