Black Sabbath have one last album left in them

There's going to be one last Black Sabbath album, according to Ozzy:

"So we're going to do one more album, and a final tour. Once the dust settled after the last tour we started discussing the idea, because we were getting asked about it all the time. I said to Sharon 'What's going on? Because if there's no more Sabbath I want to get on with my own thing again' and she came back and said 'Let me look into it'.

"Three weeks later I asked her about it again, and she said 'Oh, I still have to talk to so and so...' and I said 'Sharon, I ain't f**king 21 any more, if we're going to do it I want to do it before I'm 70!'

As you can tell, this will be a vital work of art which is going to happen because of the creative impetus and not, in any way, just happening because Sharon Osborne wants to see if she can get all the members in the same place at the same time, like some sort of metal equivalent of one of these:

Ozzy's Obourne's daughter not happy at being thought of as Ozzy Osbourne's daughter

Kelly Osbourne, the daughter of Ozzy Osbourne, really hates being thought of as 'Ozzy Osbourne's daughter':

She explained: "I think for me it's just about not being classified as a 'celeb daughter'. A lot of them make me sick - so many of them walk around with such a bratty sense of entitlement, and then people start thinking that all celebrity children are like that.

"So I hate being lumped in with that crowd of girls."

Kelly is much more than just the daughter of Ozzy. She's also the daughter of Sharon, of course. And sister of the son of Ozzy Osbourne too.

And she's done all that stuff in her own right, too, yes? You know, that record she recorded with her Dad. And that variety show she did with her dad and her mum. And... well, all the other things she's achieved.

"When you're in this position, it's easy to be lazy and live off your parents, but it makes it hard for me to do something with my life, because I'm judged whatever I do.

"Anytime I achieve anything on my own, people will automatically assume it's because of my parents."

That's not true, Kelly. Let us know when you achieve something on your own, and we'll be happy to share your joy.

Ozzy hated The Osbournes. He is just like us after all.

Who would have guessed? Ozzy never really wanted to be cast as a clown in a reality show, and it was all Sharon's idea:

"You know what? That TV celebrity that I became, I f**king didn't like it," he said. "Sharon loves flying around the world and being a TV star. I don't. I can't stand it, because my heart is in music.

"I hated every second of it. She kept pushing me into this f**king stuff. I said, 'I tell you what, Sharon, don't even f**ing ask me, don't even go there with me in future, because I don't want to know'."

This will come as something as a surprise to anyone who saw the programme, as it didn't appear that Ozzy even knew people were making a TV show in his house, much less that he was experiencing any emotion as a result.

The interview, with Metal Hammer, doesn't quite explain why he did the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter adverts.

First Night: The Osbournes Reloaded

Before the programme aired, the misgivings about Sharon's latest vehicle for making cash from her brood had sat mostly within the Fox Broadcasting family - affiliates dropping the programme, the network slicing airtime and junking the idea of a series in favour of an unspecified number of one-off "specials".

But now the programme has aired, the question is: What did America think?

For Variety, it was "a disjointed mess":

Ostensibly a variety show shot in front of a boisterous studio audience, the program featured a mix of live and taped elements -- the first problem being that among the show's central family, only Jack Osbourne appears to have any natural aptitude for the hosting part of the gig.

The premiere's centerpiece, oddly, hinged on a staged (and most likely not legal) wedding, in which an audience member was bushwhacked by a "Get married now or else" ultimatum from his girlfriend. Although it was rather uncomfortable to watch, at least that drawn-out interlude offered a respite from watching Ozzy, Sharon and Kelly curse, with little faces appearing over their mouths to prevent even lip readers from being offended.

The Hartford Courant's Roger Catlin didn't enjoy himself:

That they'd be the cutting edge for Fox made them seem a little dated as well. The network must have realized what a dud it had on its hand. Not only did Tuesday's show not start a season - it was a one-shot teaser for an unannounced future season - it was cut from 60 minutes, to 40 to 35.

And from the cutting, we may have been spared the sight of Kelly singing - or even Ozzy doing a number. As it was, we were left with some unpalatable filmed bits - of a cussing kid version of "The Osbournes" annoying people in a theater, to Ozzy and Kelly spending a day at a fast food drive through - a ploy David Letterman did much more wittily years ago - that ended up with them throwing food at the cars in line.

Yeah, but what does the Courant know about entertainment anyway, right? Let's try Entertainment Weekly. Surely Ken Tucker was entertained, right?

It seems a lifetime since, in 2002, the Osbournes came across as refreshingly nutty on their MTV reality show. On The Osbournes: Reloaded, Ozzy, Sharon, Kelly, and Jack were just pathetic. No wonder Fox kept chopping this proposed hour-long "variety show" into an ever-smaller size before airing it. The network is supposed to air five more Reloadeds. Don't hold your breath. Or maybe, do hold your breath: The stink of this show will last a long time.

So, then: Not entirely a warm welcome, but still more popular than Sharon's ITV teatime show.

Osbournes unloaded

Everyone's a critic. Unfortunately for The Osbournes, amongst 'everyone' is numbered the head of the Fox affiliate in Panama City, Florida, who has decided that The Osbournes Reloaded isn't fit for showing as family entertainment and has kicked it from the schedules.

Still, at least in Panama City Sharon can take comfort in being shifted for a rerun of The Simpsons. In Milwaukee, the local Fox station is dumping them for a documentary about drugs.

Mind you, if you want to warn kids about the dangers of taking too many drugs, surely putting Ozzy on screen is the best thing you can do?

The Sun pays out to Sharon Osbourne

Although it's easy to forget, Sharon Osbourne is just flesh and blood and as capable of being mortified or embarrassed as the rest of us. As, indeed, she was when the Sun ran a story claiming she was working Ozzy to death:

Osbourne's solicitor, John Kelly, told Justice David Eady that the article alleged that former X Factor judge, who has been married to Ozzy for 26 years, was putting her husband's life at risk by forcing him to perform a series of live shows when he was not well enough, and that her motivation for doing so was to fund her "exorbitant spending".

"The article wrongly alleged that the claimant was 'driving her frail husband Ozzy Osbourne to destruction', was working him 'so hard she will kill him' and that 'Sharon will keep Ozzy on the road until, like Tommy Cooper, he dies on stage'," Kelly told the high court.

"These allegations are entirely without foundation and were obviously extremely distressing, hurtful and damaging for the claimant. The claimant's distress was increased as a result of the claims in the article being made by the claimant's estranged brother David Arden, and tagged with the words 'Chilling warning from brother of X Factor Sharon'.

The article was originally credited to Grant Rollings. News International are to pay "substantial" damages.

Sharon Osbourne: I'm the victim

Oh, poor Sharon Osbourne - being victimised by a woman who pulled her across the room and then wedged her skin under Osbourne's nails.

Yes, yes, to most onlookers it could have looked like Osbourne threw herself across the room and scratched Megan Hauserman. But, no - Osbourne was the victim all along:

Osbourne insists she's the victim in the alleged brawl - hinting that Hauserman purposely targeted her to land her own TV deal.
She says, "There was a little tiff. I drink this ice tea, and it's red, and the cow only had a bikini on - the cup was full of ice and it went all down her front.

"But she had it coming, big time. It shows you how dumb she is. Anyone who knows anything about me knows not to say anything about my family, or you're going to get it. Say what you like about me, but don't ever, ever, ever insult my family.

"She's got her own show now, called Trophy Wife. Amazing, isn't it?"

God, yes - imagine just getting a TV show because (or possibly despite) you're gobby and annoying. Whatever is the world coming to?

Sharon Osbourne really does want Cheryl Cole's job

As if to help re-secure her place in the nation's hearts, Sharon Osbourne is, it's being claimed by E!, doling out some vi-o-lence:

E! News has confirmed that a police investigation has been launched after Osbourne allegedly attacked a contestant on the VH1 show, scratching her face and pulling her hair during a reunion taping on Saturday.

"We know a battery incident is alleged to have occurred on a taping of a reality show Sharon Osbourne hosts," said Los Angeles police spokesman Ben Llewellyn. Llewellyn would not confirm whether a police report had been filed.

Apparently contestant Megan Hauserman had accused Osbourne of being famous solely for managing Ozzy; Mrs Osbourne came up with an inspired way to make herself famous for something else.

The programme is called Rock Of Love Charm School, not that it matters overmuch.

Let's not use phrases like 'whoring themselves out'

After the terrible I Can't Believe It's Not Butter slot, and Sharon's bingo slot, you might have thought The Osbournes would have realised their value to advertisers wasn't as a high-end, blue chip spokespeople and withdrawn from the field with what little of their dignity they can still lay claim to.

However, even pitching margarine and gin-sodden gambling puts cash into pockets, and so perhaps its no surprise that the entire family have signed up with an agency to seek out more opportunities:

John Ferriter, executive vice-president and head of non-scripted television at William Morris, said: "The Osbournes are international stars and have become a part of today's entertainment culture. We look forward to exploring opportunities that will capitalise on the family's global appeal and will follow the production of their new show."

Global appeal, huh? Yeah, Kelly Osbourne is the toast of Mogadishu.

Ozzfest decides it's not a charity

The 2009 return of Ozzfest is not, this time, going to be a free affair, as Sharon Osbourne has made clear:

Don't you know that there's a depression on. Are you mad? We're going back to what we originally were. We've given the real good fans a free show for one time, and now, it's back to business as usual."

It's not clear how far Ozzfest attendees this year were made to go to prove they were "real good fans" - presumably Sharon did some sort of scan of their minds before they were let in - but it's reassuring to know they don't care who turns up this time providing they pony up.

Osbourne's variety show already unravelling

The cat-giving-birth-to-snakes event that is the planned Osbournes US TV variety show is starting to suffer from spasms as bad as those induced in observers by the very idea.

The Writers Guild Of America has instructed members to not deliver any scripts for the programme, claiming that the producers Freemantle are trying to underpay.

Mind you, why would you bother paying a decent writer a decent wage to write words that are just going to end up being mangled by Ozzy or Kelly anyway? Freemantle might as well just buy a box of flashcards, shuffle them up and use those as prompts.

Nine point lead, incumbents trashing the economy, Sarah Palin incapable of answering a question with anything other than the word 'maverick' ...

What could possibly go wrong for Obama?

How about Sharon Osbourne instructing America not to vote for Sarah Palin:

It reminds me of, like, a hokey Disney movie... where somebody from nowhere suddenly ends up ruling the world. I don't know her, I've never met her, but come on!

Wow, the Republicans really did do a poor job on vetting Palin, didn't they? Not nly did they not spot her lack of knowledge, the absence of empathy, the charging rape victims for their rape kits, the whole lying thing, the earmarks and the firing of people she didn't like, they missed that Sharon Osbourne hasn't met her. Boy, if ever you were begging to be punished at the polls.

The harsh face of reality

If you know that Max Clifford is the voice of reason, you can probably guess the sentence has to end "... in a conversation with Sharon Osbourne, at least."

The pair were on a panel at the Guardian's Edinburgh Television Festival debating reality TV, which was most notable for the way the pair were desperate to simultaneously destroy each other's arguments, while not offending their friends and paymasters:

"You know there's a line where people say you can't polish a turd," Osbourne said. "This is the man that polishes turds."

In a heated exchange, Osbourne added that she wasn't referring to Simon Cowell, who Clifford represents and who she famously clashed with on The X Factor, but instead meant his reality TV stars.

When Clifford said he advised his clients not to go on reality shows, Osbourne replied: "If you earn some portion of your living from these people going on these shows bearing their souls, don't knock them."

Osbourne also tried to correct the impression that she quit the X Factor over money (an impression created when Cowell said at the launch of the new series that she quit over demands for more money):

"The X Factor was the best experience of my life, I adored the show as it had done so much for me, but I quit because it was just time for me to go," she said.

"I was talking to a network in America about doing a show with my family and I couldn't do both," she added.

Although Simon Cowell manages to do X Factor, Britain's Got Talent, America's Got Talent and American Idol all at the same time. Even Piers Morgan manages to slime across shows on both sides of the Atlantic - Britain's and America's as well as the misleadingly titled Celebrity Apprentice.

Mark Frith was also on the panel, and to thank him for coming the Guardian finds space for one of his comments:

Former Heat magazine editor Mark Frith, also a panelist, said he had decided to leave the title as the world of celebrity had become "too dark" for him.

"I couldn't look at any more Amy Winehouse pictures with cuts on her arms and put them into an entertaining form," he added.

Frith spun this "oh celebrity has become so dark" line in his diaries, too - but why was he comfortable with running stories laughing at Leslie Ash and pointing fingers of fun at celebrities his magazine suggested might be suffering eating disorders, and all of a sudden decided it was too much? Isn't it surprising that you can run week after week of paparazzi coverage of Britney's breakdown - which, at the very least, wasn't exactly helped by the 24 hour coverage - and then to start tutting about how terrible it all is after you've left the job to pursue other projects? If you shit on the carpet, don't complain about the smell.

Peaches is "a bit sad"

Kelly Osbourne finally gets the chance to shake her head at the younger generation:

Kelly Osbourne has suggested Peaches Geldof's marriage to Max Drummey could have been just a PR stunt.

'If it was done for attention, it's a bit sad,' the 23-year-old told Virgin Radio.

'I did stuff like that when I was 19 as well, like get a tattoo because it pissed my mum off. It's just a big cry for help.'

Yes, given that before Sharon Osbourne tried to turn herself in Oprah Winfrey, she worked as a manager for a heavy rock band, the thought of a tattoo must have been so shocking for her.

It's good to see that Kelly - who is employed by both the BBC and The Sun to offer advice to youngsters in turmoil - reacts to someone issuing what she defines as a cry for help by dismissing them as "a bit sad". God help anyone who rings the Sunday Surgery having taken an overdose unless they really mean it, eh.

Actually, it's also interesting to see that Kelly thinks getting her tattoo is on a par with getting married. Admittedly, both carry the overhead of unpleasant injections into your body, but at least Peaches chose a way that can be removed with a quick annulment rather than the need for laser surgery further down the line.

Kelly is rightly annoyed by people who try to draw attention to themselves, of course. It stops people giving attention to her and her fabulous opinions:

Speaking at the Virgin Mobile V Festival she also called X Factor judge Dannii Minogue 'a woman that doesn't like anyone that's younger and prettier than her'

.
Well, that's Dannii's falling-out with Sharon Osbourne explained, then.

"Detroit will not be ready to rock until the catering crew tell it it's ready to rock"

David Draiman of Disturbed suggests that some people backstage at Ozzfest might be a little too in love with themselves:

. Ozzfest had kind of grown into this very "separated" thing for a while. It didn't start out that way, but it grew ... maybe there were too many egos running around, and I'm not even talking about the bands. And I'm not talking about Sharon (Osbourne), either. It always seemed to me that the people who thought they were rock stars were, like, the people running the tour — not the people who were actually playing. It was like, "Remember, you're working for us. You get paid because we fill seats." So if I ask you to let people come up and watch us, and if I (tell you that) we don't care, and if I let you know we want everyone to be there, then just let it happen and stop being a **** about it.

Perhaps it's a side-effect of standing near Sharon Osbourne. Maybe ego is contagious.

Can someone give Kelly Osbourne Hans Moretti's phone number?

For reasons we can't quite fathom - and we've tried, believe me - Fox is preparing a variety show hosted by The Osbournes.

Yes, the whole gang is on board:

Mr. Osbourne, wife Sharon and offspring Jack and Kelly all will participate in the show, which will resemble modern-day European variety shows that mix elements of competition, stunts and performances. One person familiar with the pitch compared it to a combination of the popular Spanish-language series "Sabado Gigante," "Saturday Night Takeaway" and the German game-show format "Wetten, dass?" (Wanna Bet?).

[Fox's Mike] Darnell said he had been trying to find a way to revive the variety format for several years. He even developed a U.S. version of "Saturday Night Takeaway."

"But I always veered away from it because it was missing something, which turned out to be the right front people," he said. "I realized that with the right hosts, you can make it work."

We're guessing that Darnell somehow missed Sharon's chat shows on both sides of the Atlantic and what happened when Team Osbourne attempted to present the Brits; either that, or his faith in Ozzy being the sort of "right host" that can "make it work" is so touching as to veer into the downright religious.

It all smacks a little of that segment on the Simpsons' pilot show where the family turn up in dungarees doing a song-and-dance show, with a replacement Lisa. Or a cruel parody of Hear'Say It's Saturday.

Simon Cowell: a talent for talent spotting

With Sharon Osbourne having pulled out of the X Factor before the 197th series, you'd have thought that this would open the way for a quieter, gentler, possibly even wiser judge.

Instead, Simon Cowell looked up Mel B's phone number on his Blackberry.

Ofcom clears the Osbournes

Ofcom has weighed up the slew of complaints generated by the Brit Awards - and, in particular, the bit which consisted of Sharon Osbourne screeching obscenities at Vic Reeves - and decided that it's alright, really:

The Brits is an established pop music awards ceremony with a reputation for controversy.

Ofcom noted that, although this show is aimed at a mixed audience rather than children specifically, it was aired during half-term for many schools. However, over the years it has not attracted large numbers of the youngest viewers. As with previous years, this year’s coverage was also scheduled later in the evening, bridging the 21:00 watershed.

The incident between Sharon Osbourne and Vic Reeves, which many viewers highlighted, occurred around 21:35 . During the presentation of an award, which Vic Reeves was having some difficulty announcing, Sharon Osbourne turned to him and said: “Get on with it, you pisshead”, and shortly afterwards, “Shut up you’re pissed, piss off! Piss off you bastard. . . piss off”.

While we understand that this language may have been offensive to some viewers, it was broadcast after the watershed and in a programme with a particular reputation. We believe that regular viewers would have been aware of the likelihood of this kind of material. Further, Ofcom research indicates that the examples of language quoted are generally considered quite mild.

To which we can only say: piss off, surely?

Admittedly, the swearing did come after the 9.00 watershed, but (as far as we know) Ofcom has never formally rejected the ITC's 2002 advice that particular care should be taken with programmes which "appeal to children but start before the watershed" - which, with children's entertainers like Mika, and Sharon Osbourne off tea-time television on board, this would seem to fall into that category like a round peg into a well-lubricated round hole.

Not to mention that ITV had taken its strange step to censor the earlier outburst of bad language before nine o'clock; parents should take responsibility for their children's viewing but how are they supposed to know that ITV will send the bloke with the beeper home as soon as nine o'clock comes round?

We don't think this is a case where books should have been thrown at broadcasters, but we'd have thought that at least Ofcom could have managed a bit of a tut. Yes, the show has reputation for disarray - although not bad language - but simply because ITV tries to promote the show as a crazy, lawless place doesn't mean that it should be allowed to allow such sloppy and pointless coarseness without even the meekest protest from the regulator. That the unbridled swearing came from the host, rather than a guest, surely should make Ofcom a little uncomfortable? No?

Even more darkness at 3AM: Which awards did they go to?

We're surprised to read on the 3AM website how well the Osbourne's performance went off last night:

We were expecting four-letter outbursts and presenting skills worthy of Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood's Brits nightmare.

But Ozzie and Sharon Osbourne's performance was worthy of a Brit in itself.

Drafting in Kelly and Jack to help them with the proceedings, it was a blunder-free and faultless display.

Helped by slick scripts and even slicker autocue, there wasn't a fluffed line in sight. The highlights included Sharon leaving daughter Kelly speechless by introducing fat DJ Chris Moyles as "my future son-in-law".

She then drew an equally pained expression from hubby Ozzie when introducing Jonathan Rhys-Meyers as "a man who is so gorgeous he needs a good licking, and I think I'm the woman to do it."

Be scared, Jonathan, very scared...

Yes, not only do they keep mis-spelling Ozzy's name throughout the piece, but they somehow have managed to miss all the fluffed lines, Ozzy introducing Paul McCartney about five minutes too early, that odd bit where Sharon screwed up and Kelly filled with a panicky 'ho-ho, we're all having fun' laugh... it's almost as if they filed the story just after the event had begun, isn't it?

Wouldn't you rather be watching Torchwood? The Brits liveblog

"Tomorrow's tabloids in the making" promises the continuity announcement, with what we can only assume are fingers crossed.

Mika's up first, then, doing a song that feels about four years old already. The giant finch hanging from the stage is a nice touch, mind. For some reason he's dressed as a matador. This year's Scissor Sisters, isn't it?

8.02
Mika opens a small door, and out pops Beth Ditto - like a faux indie version of Hearsay Its Saturday. She's wearing one of those silly little perching on head hats; they attempt to meld Love Today and Standing In The Way Of Control into one song - with limited success. This really does feel like I Love 2006. Mika's still going on - Ditto's disappeared, and so has the giant cutout finch.

8.05
Tom Baker is doing the voiceovers again - another warm-twenty-four-months-ago touch.

Sharon and Ozzy have come on stage, with the kids - nepotism, nepotism. Sharon is screeching like she's never been on stage before. Ozzy is stood looking lost.

"If you think this is over the top, wait to see what we've got in store for you later" screeches Sharon. It's not over the top, dear, it's struggling to rise to the occasion.

Award one: best live act. "A very naughty man" is presenting - "he gets loads of complaints, but let's face it, all the best people do these days" says Sharon. Eh? What does that mean? Talent is no longer capable of entertaining without offending? Isn't that a bit sad.

It's Moyles, who's come out. Oh god, Kelly and Jack are apparently sticking around for the whole show. Why?

Actually, Moyles seems to be auditioning for hosting the show - he'd actually have been better at it than the gaggle who got the gig.

So, best live act, then - sponsored by Radio 2 (but don't say it out loud). If it's sponsored by Radio 2, shouldn't Terry Wogan be presenting?

Obviously, the prize goes to Take That.

8.10
The prize, apparently, is a sign that "pop is back", which seems to have been decided is the official line of the show. (Although why have a rock icon presenting them, then?)

Take That are very polite. Mark Owen appears to be wearing some sort of lady's neckerchief and matching blouse. It's very fetching.

Jason thanks the riggers and truck drivers - see, very polite indeed.

Kelly and shambledad come forward to introduce the heavily-trailed Rhianna/Klaxons duet.

They're in a giant pyramid - it looks a bit like a offcut from the Crystal Maze.

Oh. It's not a very happy marriage, either; less a collaboration, more Rhianna singing her hit despite what the Klaxons are doing. Oops.

(The tabloids will tell you this is amazing tomorrow.)

8.15
This is going to bemuse the people who like the song, while not really persuading people to sample The Klaxons. Maybe they should have tried a different song? But then celebrating 2007 without having Umbrella would miss the point a little.

Fearne is backstage, padding out the show with backstage interviews. Mark Owen seems to suggest the That got last year's awards copied down the arcade by the bloke who cuts the keys from a stall outside Marks and Spencers.

The Hit40 stations get a clear mention for their support on the Best Single prize. Jesus - The Hoosiers made the shortlist? No wonder Ricky Wilson was annoyed at being left off.

First break: Jack Black's done one of his wacky films, then. Oh good.

Yikes... it's that bloody scary Lloyds TSB advert. That gives me nightmares, it really does. And since when did Lloyds and trains go together?

8.20
And we're back. Sharon's STILL EXCITED. It's no surprise, she tells us, that Adele's won the "critic's choice" award. She's a lovely girl, apparently. Jack is settling into a thousand yard stare.

Sharon makes a lame gag about Will Young being gay, which is met with a slightly stunned silence.

Will tries to explain the critic's choice award - he can tell us what it is, but not why. What's the point?

Blah blah blah Brits school blah roll of honour blah Amy Winehouse...

Adele has celebrated by getting an even bigger bun for the back of her head. "I'm not gonna speak for too long cause I think big speeches are borin'". She instead churns out a long list of thanks instead. Because that's much more compelling.

8.25
British Breakthrough Act

What is Sharon talking about? What?

Jonathan Rhys Myers is presenting - ten years since Velvet Goldmine, you know.

Radio One has supported the breakthrough act; this is probably the only interesting competition of the evening. Unless it goes to Mika.

It goes to Mika.

8.30
Mika bellows like a man who has caught his penis in a revolving door.

He's beaten Bat For Lashes, Kate Nash, The Klaxons... and yet it feels like his career has already peaked.

Presumably the parachuting in of Kelly and Jack must have been a result of some terrible rehearsals? Kelly never mentioned she was presenting during the nominations.

Ew, what is Kylie wearing? It looks like one of Carol Vorderman errors from mid-period Countdown. The presence of Daft Punk style blokes in tinfoil suits doesn't disguise that Wow is probably her weakest single since... well, The Locomotion. And the 'wow wow wow wow' bit sounds like when you put your hand over your ear and open and close it quickly.

Kylie's hair seems to have been inspired by the Lindsay Lohan as Marilyn Monroe photoshoot.

Ooh, she's got some half-hearted glitter, like she's won quarter of a million on deal or no deal.

Backstage, Fearne asks Adele if winning has sunk in yet. "I found out in December" points out Adele. I'm warming to her.

Another break: Weetabix this time - try it with some fruit on. Yeah. It's like advertising toilet roll with advice to "have a go with it doubled it".

Why have Cadburys brought back the Crunchie advert from so long ago? It looks horrible on modern high-def television.

8.40
"Welcome back" screeches Sharon, stumbling over her speech. It's one of Destiny's Child! Oh, but it's only Kelly Rowland. And she's only presenting a prize, but neither Sharon nor Kelly O bothered to mention what the award was for. Kelly picks up the slack. It's International Male time.

Kanye West has won. He's sent a tape because he can't be arsed to plod over to London to get the statue. He does some mildly amusing business about being humble, before thanking Westwood. And "most importantly the fans".

Sharon's confused about the next category. Kelly laughs in panic. Neither woman has a clue how to get back to where they should be. It's falling apart.

So they wheel on Beth Ditto with the British male prizes. Ditto also stumbles over the category name.

And the winner is... Mark Ronson. Well, if they still did a best producer prize he'd have won that, and at least it's not Mika. Is it entirely fair for the soloist prize to go to someone who isn't a soloist.

Ronson does a gag about having "some notes", waving around sheafs of paper. Old, but at least he's making an effort. And he admits that he's not really a soloist, too.

8.45
We commend to you at this point David Hepworth's piece in the Independent on the Brits, where he points out that its twin aims are efforts doomed to fail - nobody outside the UK is interested in an event where 'Cumbawamba throw water over John Prescott' is considered to be a highlight, and in the always on, instant reaction world of scrobbling and blogging, celebrating the songs from last year in February is a little late.

Jack Osbourne takes the lead in introducing the Kaisers - although Ozzy does get to say "Iwaaarryouuallltogacraaaeeforthekaissercheeese".

They're doing Ruby on what Fearne Cotton had promised would be the "craziest" Brits set ever. It's some scaled down models. It looks like the opening credits to The House of Tiny Tearaways.

They're off key, too.

8.50
Beth helpfully points out that Mark Ronson has won loads of awards and so, effectively, a Brit ain't so much. Mark mumbles something to try and take the sting from that rude-but-true observation.

Another break?

8.55
Oh, they're trying to push Kinder chocolate as an adult chocolate still, are they? That's never going to work, unless they put porno toys in the eggs.

Over on the Guardian liveblog (from within the event - get them), Rosie Swash reveals that Missy Elliott's guest of honour is Lulu. Which is more interesting than the show itself.

As if on cue, Kelly O says that this where the show gets interesting - as if admitting the first hour has been a bit ho-hum.

Ah! Here's David Tennant, with an internation female prize. Now, a cynic would expect Rhianna to win this, what with her doing the show and all.

Ah, but Kylie is also up for it. She gets the prize, too - how many more times are Tennant and Minogue going to share stages?

9.00
God, it takes Kylie an age to get to the podium. Could they not have sat the nominees nearer the front? Trevor starts at Ten sharp these days with the news, you know.

Sharon mentions the X Factor to remind us that she's not always rubbish on live tv and to try and suggest that, somehow, Leona Lewis owes it all to her. A "fabulous talent", apparently.

Sorry for not mentioning the commenters, by the way: Sharon/Harry Hill very apt, anon. And, yes, Mat, you've nailed the thing that's been bugging me. Expensive hair, wide mouth - Kelly is Shami Chakrabarti tonight, isn't she?

Leona Lewis actually turns out to be not so very good - it's a nice backing vocal, but it's all screeching otherwise. Still, she gets more glitter than Kylie did. Probably to make up for losing that prize to Mika earlier.

9.05
The kids are having a go now - Kelly struggles with "Olivier award", as if she'd never heard of Sir Larry. Andrew Lloyd Webber has come on - he'd be BBC1's answer to Sharon Osbourne, if you think about it - and done some business with Denise Van Outen. (She'll work with anyone - Vaughan in the morning, Milord Webber at night). They're doing the big International Award, none of whose nominees have been bothered to turn up.

It goes to The Foo Fighters, under the well known 'Dave Grohl's a nice chap (apart from the AIDS business)' rule governing awards ceremonies.

James Nesbitt is now dragging himself up on stage - somehow even more out of place than on Buzzcocks - but reminds everyone the football is on Sky before the British female prize.

Something else David Hepworth said is that the British/International distinction is meaningless in the 21st century - and wouldn't you want to see Bat For Lashes take on Feist instead of Leona Lewis?

Kate Nash wins. Another Brits school winner for this award, points out Fearne, which makes the whole thing seem even more like a closed shop than an open competition.

Extemporising, Kate Nash is a lot less fascinating than she is on record. She even thanks Virgin Publishing.

9.10
Good lord - in a bid to try and shore up ITV2's purchase of Bionic Woman (a buy-in that doesn't seem quite so smart now) Michelle Ryan is on with the winner of International Album.

The Foo Fighters have been judged to be better than The Eagles. In this context. Dave Grohl mildly takes the piss out of Kula Shaker on his taped acceptance.

It's the kids again, barking up the "very special" bit - Mark Ronson and... Adele. Not... you know, Amy Winehouse, then? Because it's not like she'll be backstage to come on and surprise everyone halfway through, is it?

9.15
Considering how humble Mark Ronson seemed picking up his award, it's hilarious the stage consists of giant marquees with his name on them.

Why, who's this? That's not Winehouse. It's the Stop Me bloke again. Nobody stops him, unfortunately. And the 'You Keep Me Hanging On' snatch isn't clever when the meandering last longer than the actual song you were supposed to be singing.

And now, here's someone else. Surprise! (Not, you know, actually surprising) Yes, its Winehouse. Not doing it that well - like a child in a karaoke competition, to be honest - but (like the dog on hind legs) it's amazing you're seeing it at all. The trouble is she's clearly TRYING for it now. The one thing she always used to have was an air of effortlessness.

But perhaps that's just the nerves at coming back. And, seriously: Better her here, doing that, than to be covering her funeral.

9.20
Yet another break. This is, after all, commercial television. They're showing the advert for Heinz Microwave Beans - the ones which imply that, somehow, opening a ring-pull can and hearing on a stove is somehow a complex operation.

Mikey: assuming you come back at 9.50 and don't turn over for the next episode of Torchwood on BBC3... marks out of ten for tonights 'Wood?

And Random - an eight year old boy's haircut on a thirtysomething woman is an expensive undertaking indeed. Have you any idea how much it costs to scalp a child these days?

Daniel Merriweather. That's the bloke who did Stop Me. ON THE BRITS STAGE. Why? Why? It's like the BAFTAs giving stage space to a bloke from Hollyoaks.

Uh-oh - looks like Sharon just swore, and the seven second delay involved just slowing the tape down so she sounded like she was Godzilla. Some gag about Simon Cowell.

Ian McKellen off Coronation Street comes on, and does a joke about wanting to meet Mika. It falls rather flat.

9.25
But at least they don't have to slow it down.

The Arctic Monkeys have shown up to accept their award. Sell-outs! Sell-outs!

They're dressed as country gentlemen - To The Manor Born chic - although the joke actually makes them seem like they're the Kaiser Chiefs for some reason.

They've got a duck call and a decoy with them. If someone rushed on stage with a gun and a labrador, thay'd make it funnier.

Kelly is now introducing "my dera friend" Amy Winehouse - according to Mitch Winehouse and Closer, it's the Osbournes who are getting her straight. But would you really choose to kick heroin just to turn into Sharon? Hard to credit.

Doing Love Is A Losing Game, she looks quite awkward - not in the drug-era, about-to-topple-over way, but in a 'how does this work again' way? And she looks more like Gaynor Faye than ever.

9.30
"Make some noise for my husband, my Blake". Uh-oh.

Sharon's been allowed to introduce Alan Carr all on her own. She delivers the words - some joke about Ding Dong, obviously - with the panache of a 1980s text-to-speech programme.

So, who's got single of the year - voted for by the people who are watching this programme? (The world's most sophisticated electorate, expect for those voting for Man of the Match on Sky One.)

It's Take That - but apparently only just ahead of Leona Lewis; paradoxically, then, appearing live seems to have hurt rather than helped her.

Take That are now a little more drunk. But still quite polite. What is Alan Carr doing in the background with the two Osbourne women?

9.35
Sharon chases Take That off the stage - at least she's handy when you need to pick up the pace. Until she starts talking and goes waffling off again.

Vic Reeves has come on with what I think is the fifteenth prize that Sharon has described as the "big one". Reeves hasn't actually thought his bit through. And doesn't seem to know where he is. In these circumstances, its important to have a host who can smooth things over.

Osbourne Mere screeches and yells. Sharon keeps telling Vic to piss off as they fight over the winner. The Arctic Monkeys look a little frightened at having to go onstage while Osbourne shouts "pisshead" and Reeves tries to grab the card back.

This is how the BPI thinks they can sell records in the emerging markets.

The Monkeys roam about while Osbourne shouts "bloody hell... get a move on... what have they come as?" - apparently unaware she's wearing a microphone, and on live television.

9.40
The producers give up and cut from the stage to Fearne in a bid to try and keep to some sort of timings. It turns out they're keen to make sure that Paul McCartney's set splits nicely betweent ITV and ITV2. The one night of the year that News At Ten might stand a chance of giving the Ten O'Clock a run for its money, and they're scuttling its chances by pied-piper like leading away of half the audience.

Another break. Let's hope it's long enough for them to sort Sharon out. And maybe see if someone can find out what's happened to Ozzy, who we don't think we've seen for about an hour.

Ooh, there's a trail for the Tens - a desperate appeal for a missing child... full details after the Brits. That's not too tacky, then.

Paul McCartney's being lined up - and even Ozzy is back to introduce "Mr Sir Paul McCartney". As everyone else panics "not yet... not yet..." Yes, Ozzy's had one thing to do in sixty minutes, and fucks it up.

9.45
"She's a survivor like me..." - yes, Sharon's trying to introduce Kylie as if they're sisters under the skin. Kylie is the closest thing to a safe pair of hands the show's had on stage in a while (why hadn't she been asked to present the whole thing?).

Here's Macca, then, getting his first Brit Award, more or less. He's wearing a sensible coat, fully-buttoned up. Must be feeling the chill at his age.

"Thats it from us" says Kelly Osbourne; Sharon explains who Paul McCartney is like a headteacher forced to do a religious bit in assembly, and claims that Ozzy has played Paul's music every day she's known him. Considering he was off his skull for a large chunk of it, that seems a little unlikely - "I'll have some drugs, but I'll pop on Band On The Run first"?

Macca takes the stage to show why he's picking up the lifetime achievement award - and launches into recent fab-wacky-by-numbers plodder Dance Around. It's like DaVinci getting an innovation award and saying thank you by inventing a trouser press or something.

9.50
In other words: McCartney has, inarguably, written some bloody brilliant songs in his time - so why isn't he doing one of those instead of trying to push his most recent album?

This is a bit more like it - and by "it", we mean "that set he did at Glastobury a few years back" - Live And Let Die. He appears to have some fireworks for it, but mostly film of fireworks. Live And Let The Guy From Health And Safety Have A Look At The Plans, then.

9.55
Anonymous commenter - if the Osbournes had been any more over the place, they'd probably have announced McCarthy, and I think under the rules they'd have been obliged to play.

He's onto Hey Jude, now. You might have trouble hearing it over the sound of Yoko grinding her teeth. What's the betting in a couple of years they'll have to create some way of giving John a balancing prize, to be presented to, ooh, shall we say his widow? Not next year - that'd look too like a tit-for-tat. But we're betting on 2009.

10.00
So, what have we learned - as McCartney splits the audience into men and ladies for some singing of rounds, like at a church picnic? That the Osbournes were as bad as we'd feared - not wild, out of control, did-you-see-that-brilliant-thing wild, just half-arsed, bad-choice bad. Whoever parachuted Kelly and Jack in to prop them up probably deserves to be sent a box of thank you muffins from ITV - and how bad must something be if the presence of Kelly Osbourne makes things better?

The prizes didn't really go to anyone that surprising, but then the shortlist was uninspiring so that wasn't very surprising at all.

Kate Nash is less than we'd hoped; Mark Ronson is more charming than we'd expected; and Vic Reeves is never going to work again.

That wooshing sound you can hear? It's the 2008 Brit Awards ceremony vanishing into a vacuum. It felt less like the biggest night of music in the year, and more like that thing they do at kids parties where they show you some unrelated things on a tray, cover it up and see how many you can remmeber.

There was a duck... and, erm, a... was there a joke about bingo?