Cowell: The Brits are snobs

You might recall last month Simon Cowell was telling everyone how it was a good thing Leona Lewis didn't win a Brit:

"I was glad Leona didn't win at the Brits. It was the best thing that could have happened."

Only now, it turns out, he thinks it was a bad thing:

"Leona at The Brits tells you everything about the record business. I believe you should recognise and celebrate success."

Although not doing so was supposedly the best thing that could have happened.

What's really going on here is nothing to do with Leona Lewis, and everything to do with Simon Cowell's feeling that he's the victim of some establishment conspiracy:

"I don't like The Brits, they're too sarcastic. They don't represent what's right in Britain at the moment."

The Brits are too sarcastic? This from a man whose main schtick is delivering pre-written 'witticisms' of a "My Way? You should try it any other way" nature?

And as for "not expressing what's right in Britain" - if that actually means anything - if he's suggesting that the Brits should just give prizes on sales, wouldn't that make them the charts?

It's because the music industry doesn't like us show people, cries Cowell:

I believe you should recognise and celebrate success. You don't sneer at it and it doesn't matter where that artist came from.

"This is the problem. People say, 'Leona can't be serious because she entered X Factor.' They sneer. But shows like X Factor are there because doors have been closed. You have to start changing your attitude - give her one award for God's sake!"

This does miss the somewhat key fact that Lewis was invited to perform in front of the watching many, which hardly suggests the Brits organisers were sneering at her (unless we missed something - was ITV2 simultaneously showing people pointing and laughing?) and, indeed, shortlisted her for a number of awards.

And is it really true to say that X Factor exists to open doors which have otherwise been closed to potential artists? Isn't the ability of labels to generate easy sales off the short-lived backs of Chicos and Gareths doing more harm to the ability of young, talented pop musicians than it does good? Surely part of the reason EMI's regime feels confident about downsizing A&R is because they can just wait until a reality TV star turns up with a camera crew and a lopsided demo of them doing a cover of Christina Aguilera's Beautiful from Granada Reports?

Ofcom clears the Osbournes

Ofcom has weighed up the slew of complaints generated by the Brit Awards - and, in particular, the bit which consisted of Sharon Osbourne screeching obscenities at Vic Reeves - and decided that it's alright, really:

The Brits is an established pop music awards ceremony with a reputation for controversy.

Ofcom noted that, although this show is aimed at a mixed audience rather than children specifically, it was aired during half-term for many schools. However, over the years it has not attracted large numbers of the youngest viewers. As with previous years, this year’s coverage was also scheduled later in the evening, bridging the 21:00 watershed.

The incident between Sharon Osbourne and Vic Reeves, which many viewers highlighted, occurred around 21:35 . During the presentation of an award, which Vic Reeves was having some difficulty announcing, Sharon Osbourne turned to him and said: “Get on with it, you pisshead”, and shortly afterwards, “Shut up you’re pissed, piss off! Piss off you bastard. . . piss off”.

While we understand that this language may have been offensive to some viewers, it was broadcast after the watershed and in a programme with a particular reputation. We believe that regular viewers would have been aware of the likelihood of this kind of material. Further, Ofcom research indicates that the examples of language quoted are generally considered quite mild.

To which we can only say: piss off, surely?

Admittedly, the swearing did come after the 9.00 watershed, but (as far as we know) Ofcom has never formally rejected the ITC's 2002 advice that particular care should be taken with programmes which "appeal to children but start before the watershed" - which, with children's entertainers like Mika, and Sharon Osbourne off tea-time television on board, this would seem to fall into that category like a round peg into a well-lubricated round hole.

Not to mention that ITV had taken its strange step to censor the earlier outburst of bad language before nine o'clock; parents should take responsibility for their children's viewing but how are they supposed to know that ITV will send the bloke with the beeper home as soon as nine o'clock comes round?

We don't think this is a case where books should have been thrown at broadcasters, but we'd have thought that at least Ofcom could have managed a bit of a tut. Yes, the show has reputation for disarray - although not bad language - but simply because ITV tries to promote the show as a crazy, lawless place doesn't mean that it should be allowed to allow such sloppy and pointless coarseness without even the meekest protest from the regulator. That the unbridled swearing came from the host, rather than a guest, surely should make Ofcom a little uncomfortable? No?

Made of brickbats

Kate Nash is delighted she beat Leona Lewis at the the Brit awards:

She went on to say “it was really good I won it because I started this myself. I’m not a manufactured, size-zero pop artist who is going to bring out her own perfume and clothes range.”

This might be slightly more convincing were it not for Nash having gone to the Brits school. And to be insisting that you're real, while seeing the receiving of an award from the BPI on a live TV show presented by the Osbournes as some sort of high-water mark for riot grrl seems to be pushing it a bit, too.

Simon Cowell attempts to make 'not winning a Brit' a good thing

Leona Lewis' failure to win anything at the Brit awards was a good thing, Simon Cowell has decided:

"I was glad Leona didn't win at the Brits. It was the best thing that could have happened.

"She's had a lot of things going her way so it shows her that things can be unfair at times. She had the biggest selling [UK] single of last year so it's a mockery that she never won a Brit. This knockback will make her stronger."

Why would it be a "mockery" that she didn't win a Brit just because she outsold other singles? The prize is judged on quality rather than quantity, supposedly. And if it's such a "mockery" then how can it be a good thing?

This reminds me somewhat of the old Spitting Image Call My Bluff spoof which featured party leaders trying to redefine 'Second place in a by-election' to mean some sort of victory.

ITN dilutes brand with Brits coverage

Here's the ITN On coverage of the Brits. If you watch closely, you might spot something odd:



There's surprisingly frequent mentions of Semi Pro, the latest in the long of line similar-feeling Will Ferrell movies about not-very-good sports people. A poster appears in the background of one sequence; the cab the reporter takes has got the logo on the side; and so on.

Thing is, though, the mentions of the movie weren't there when the footage was filmed - it's been dropped in afterwards as a paid advert, as explained in Creative Review.

Now, we know it's only some entertainment story, but does ITN really think its appropriate to be doctoring news footage with paid-for sponsorship? Isn't that a line that should probably not be crossed by a news-gatherer with a reputation to protect? If ITN ever found itself in another libel case like the one with Living Marxism, wouldn't a willingness to manipulate footage in return for cash give it a harder time occupying the moral high ground?

We're just celebrities, we don't want no trouble

James P emails us to point out a curious feature of the post-Brits parties:

After the Brits this week, people went off to their various parties. One party, at somewhere called 'Movida', resulted in three stories involving assaults on celebrities (and Alex Curran).

- Party hostess Kylie got 'attacked with ice-cubes';
- KT Tunstall was knocked over by a bouncer;
- Someone called Alex Curran, who is apparently married to someone who plays football, was wrestled to the ground by a mystery assailant

Nice to see these stars shunning the glamorous lifestyle in favour of the sort of night out that their fans enjoy, i.e. a nightclub with an ever-present undercurrent of seething violence. No word yet on whether Beth Ditto ended the evening on the pavement outside Southern Fried Chicken, screaming at Mika to leave the Klaxons alone as they weren't worth it.

Outside, of course, Paul McCartney was being told "get lost, Grandad - no trainers..."

We love the way in the struggle between Curran and her attacker, it was the assailant who is meant to be the obscure one, by the way.

Neither ethical nor well-executed

Two days after the ship had sailed, Leona Lewis is still trying to buy her way to success in the Brits.

What was the theme of the Brit Awards? 1970s sexism, apparently.

There was some confusion over the theme at this year's school prize giving. The presence of Ozzy, the giant skull, the apparently-straightfaced-use of Anarchist symbols on the onscreen graphics suggested that this was an event with ROCK at its heart.

But then Kelly did say it was the year of pop when she was presenting. It's very confusing. Who can adjudicate on such matters?

How about the Official website? Rock or Pop, Brits - what were you?

The theme of this year’s BRIT awards is Glam Rock and every last bit of the BRITs is dripping with glamour.

Glam rock? GLAM ROCK? In what way was the theme of that event glam rock? Did someone do a T-Rex cover we missed? Was that Ian Hunter rather than Paul McCartney getting the lifetime achievement award? Was the event so poorly conducted that Elton John's pieces got dropped from the running order?

Of course, the glam rock angle was just an excuse to explain why the BPI had taken money from Agent Provocateur to let them have space backstage. Anyone who thinks that the inherent sexism of the music industry and the marginalisation of women into the limitied roles of groupies or girlfriends is a thing of the past, look away now:

And what’s more rock ‘n roll than half naked girls? Accordingly, Agent Provocateur, who have built a special boudoir booth to showcase their new skin care and fragrance have their very own scantily clad vixen.
[...]
Esme’s acting skills won’t be heavily called upon this evening as all she has to do is hand a mike over to whichever presenter is mounting the stage. She’s one of a quartet of glamorously dressed girls who are here for the sole purpose of “adding some beauty and some boobies”. “The presenters will run through a gamut of girls who’re there to escort them to the stage, they can take their pick”.

Picking from a bunch of mute women - sorry, girls - who are just there to add some tits to the proceedings. Doesn't the British music industry make you proud?

What I did at the Brit Awards by Ricky Wilson, aged 13

Ricky Wilson has a permanent record of his day at The Brits in The Times. He had an exciting time, hanging out with famous people:

You get to spy people like David Tennant and proper celebs, such as Simon Pegg. He told me that he'd just been filming the new Star Trek - he's Scottie, for gawd's sake. You don't get that kind of chat by a portaloo in a boggy field.

Really? You don't think you could talk to Simon Pegg backstage at Glastonbury?

Aware that he's sounding a little over-excited about hanging out with James Blunt, Ricky attempts to justify his enthusiasm:

I get angry now when I see bands acting like they don't care about the Brits. I just think of all the bands that would love to be asked. Everyone wants to go. It's the biggest and best awards ceremony - our Oscars - and I'm so glad that it's music, so we are invited. I'm even more glad that we're relevant enough to be asked to perform. And be nominated, even if we were robbed.

Everyone wants to go? Really? And yet they have to fill up the front rows with kids from the Brits School.

Pop stars have drinks; Mail outraged

The Daily Mail is fuming with rage at the drunken antics of pop stars & hangers-on after the Brits had finished (possibly even as soon as they'd switched to ITV2) and is so upset it feels compelled to share photos with the public so you, too, might be upset:

If you thought that they looked bad before the Brit Awards started then these pictures of Britain's finest pop stars as the night wore on are even more shocking.

Amongst these 'shocking' pictures are Beth Ditto with her mouth open, and Peter Kay yawning. The most shocking photo of all, though, is one of Mark Owen leaning on a trolley - shocking as in 'of a quality so low it's not worth printing in a national newspaper, surely' as he's got red eye.

The Mail's Richard Price, though, is most exercised by a snap of Sarah Harding kissing a girl:

Too much 'kiss and make-up' for Sarah Harding?

At the Universal Records party in Bayswater, Girls Aloud star Sarah Harding was seen being driven away looking clearly worse for wear, even sharing a kiss with a female companion before collapsing in the back of her car.

Did he just say, effectively, 'she was so drunk she turned into a lesbian'?

Gordon in the morning: Cheryl's ignored his advice

Having spent a week getting excited at the prospect of Cheryl divorcing Ashley, preparing to share his drawer-full of young men's phone numbers and making it clear only a split could satisfy him, how does Gordon react to, erm, Cheryl Cole giving her marriage a second chance?

By castigating Cheryl, of course, and telling her off.

Sorry, we mean giving "pals" the space to tell her off:

Cheryl's a fool to forgive Ashley

It's not clear if he means Cheryl's friends, or just Gordon's - the byline suggests the latter:

By RICHARD WHITE and GORDON SMART

Considering there's two people writing it, nobody seems to have given too much attention to the writing:

Until Wednesday, Cheryl, 24, had not seen Ashley, 27, since The Sun revealed he bedded blonde hairdresser Aimee Walton, 22 — then offered her cash for an abortion.

The Sun offered Aimee cash for an abortion? Or did The Sun offer the money to Cheryl?

No, we know what happened, but since the paragraph is written on the asusmption of no background knowledge of the story, you think it might be clearer.

Elsewhere, Gary Barlow's moaning that Take That only win Brit Awards voted for by the public and not the Academy is given more space than it deserves because Gordon was able to run the picture of him with the band above it. Barlow could have been calling for Murdoch to be run out of town on a stick and, with that picture, it would have appeared in the paper.

Gordon also has a bizarre little rage at ITV for shifting the last couple of McCartney songs to ITV2:

I FEEL for the viewers who missed out on the full MACCA set from The Brits.

ITV shunted Sir Paul on to ITV2 towards before some memorable tunes.

Viewers on ITV1 did see him sing Dance Tonight and dedicate classics Live And Let Die to his beloved first wife LINDA and Hey Jude to JOHN LENNON.

You feel for them, do you, Gordon? You share the pain of... who, exactly? As long ago as last September, 85% of UK households had digital TV (and it's fairly safe to say many of those that don't aren't that arsed about watching television anyway) so, effectively, you're shedding tears for people who couldn't be arsed to change the channel on their digital remote control. Will you be offering them counselling?

Brits: Audience drifts away slowly

ITV is, apparently, quite happy with the audience figures for the Brits last night, posting a headline 6.1 million viewers, up 800,000 on last year's figures.

Doubtless many people will be suggesting it was their magic element which helped the audience rise, although the key factor ("not being on at the same time as BBC One showing an FA Cup replay") it's hard for anyone at ITV to take credit for.

The 800,000 extra viewers figure is interesting in its own right - because that's the number of viewers who deserted the programme during its two hours on air. The first fifteen minutes of the show were watched by 6.5 million; by the time McCartney came on, only 5.7 million were still tuned in. It's unclear if those figures include viewers watching from behind their sofas.

Even more darkness at 3AM: Which awards did they go to?

We're surprised to read on the 3AM website how well the Osbourne's performance went off last night:

We were expecting four-letter outbursts and presenting skills worthy of Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood's Brits nightmare.

But Ozzie and Sharon Osbourne's performance was worthy of a Brit in itself.

Drafting in Kelly and Jack to help them with the proceedings, it was a blunder-free and faultless display.

Helped by slick scripts and even slicker autocue, there wasn't a fluffed line in sight. The highlights included Sharon leaving daughter Kelly speechless by introducing fat DJ Chris Moyles as "my future son-in-law".

She then drew an equally pained expression from hubby Ozzie when introducing Jonathan Rhys-Meyers as "a man who is so gorgeous he needs a good licking, and I think I'm the woman to do it."

Be scared, Jonathan, very scared...

Yes, not only do they keep mis-spelling Ozzy's name throughout the piece, but they somehow have managed to miss all the fluffed lines, Ozzy introducing Paul McCartney about five minutes too early, that odd bit where Sharon screwed up and Kelly filled with a panicky 'ho-ho, we're all having fun' laugh... it's almost as if they filed the story just after the event had begun, isn't it?

More Darkness at 3AM: Don't be rude to the school, boys

The 3AM site has just been updated with a curious story about last night's Brits which tries to suggest that being mildly sarcastic about the Brits School gets you censored:

Angry TV bosses pulled the plug on the Arctic Monkeys after they unleashed an abusive tirade.

An 'abusive tirade'?

After winning Best British Group, frontman Alex Turner sarcastically dedicated his win to the Brits school - the performing school which benefits financially from the awards ceremony.

He snarled: "I'd like to thank the Brit school, of course, which I graduated from."

But before he could dig himself in any further over the school, whose past students include the Kooks, Adele and Will Young, ITV bosses blasted out fake cheering from the speakers, turned off their mikes and cut to the backstage interview with Fearne Cotton.

Hmm. Isn't actually the case that Sharon Osbourne and Vic Reeves had spent so long in drunken bickering and yelling 'pissed' that the event was in danger of having its timings screwed, and the hustling of the Arctic Monkeys offstage wasn't because they were going to upset some school in Croydon, and more to ensure that Paul McCartney wasn't crashing the News At Ten bongs?

Still, why let the facts, etc etc?

Daily Mail: it's about the skirts and thugs

While most people's reaction to seeing Amy Winehouse look almost human on-stage was one of relief, the Daily Mail was not so soft as to fall for that sort of thing. This morning, the paper barks:

And at the end, she yelled: 'Make some noise for my husband Blake'. A reference to her incarcerated husband Blake Fielder-Civil, who has been remanded in Pentonville prison on charges of attempting to pervert the course of justice.

We love the way they explain carefully who Blake is, in case you've not heard of him before.

This looks like they'd left some space open to run a 'Winehouse collapses on stage/ doesn't show' story, and had to fill it with whatever was to hand.

The rest of their coverage is of the red carpet:

Girls Aloud won the fashion honours at the Brits last night as they sashayed down the red carpet in a selection of daringly short skirts.

That Kimberley was wearing a skirt down to her knees doesn't seem to have bothered the Mail team.

The boys, meanwhile? Why, they were typical:

DJ and producer Mark Ronson looked typically immaculate in black tie dress while singer Mika arrived in typically flamboyant style wearing a silver jacket.

Typically so.

And you know who else was there? Some people who have sex with footballers. The Mail can barely contain its excitement:

The outright winner of the contest to find the shortest, tighest, most revealing outfit was Liverpool football star Peter Crouch's girlfriend Abi Clancy, 22.

Oh, and apparently Paul McCartley or someone was also there.

Darkness at 3AM: Leave her aLeona or something

Over at 3AM, they also headline their Brits coverage with the non-winning of Leona Lewis. As if it wasn't bad enough being passed over four times, we're sure that Leona will be delighted to see her not winning is the key theme of this year's prizes.

3AM's pun is even blunter than Smart's:

LEONA LOSER

Charming.

We consoled a disappointed Leona who got nothing after being nominated for four awards - including Female Solo Artist, Album, Single and Breakthrough Act.

... and then went home to call her a Loser. Charming.

Apparently, Paul McCartney's performance was like scrubbing the world's minds with minderasers:

Beatles legend Sir Paul McCartney had the last laugh on money-grabbing Heather Mills in his Brits performance last night - by erasing her from his life.

Sir Paul dedicated his Outstanding Contribution finale to his late wife and love of his life, Linda. But he completely ignored Mills in a video montage of his life. The cheeky ex had been begging to come to the ceremony but Brits bosses were warned to keep her away.

Really? How odd he didn't choose to feature the woman he's in the middle of fighting in an acrimonious divorce in his best bits clips show.

It's not quite "erasing her from his life", though, is it? Not until the cash transfer goes through.

Gordon in the morning: Brits ahoy

Of course, for the papers, the live transmission of the Brits is a bit of a nightmare - the morning titles are now sent for publication so early, the presses start rolling before the ceremony finishes, which means that the paper version of Bizarre is quite lucky to have any shots of the event at all - although the sharp-eyed will spot that the onstage shots come from the very start of the event. Given the chance to pick from all the live performances, would they really have chosen Ditto and Mika rather than, say, Kylie or Rhianna?

The Sun gets some coverage onto the news pages under the headline Leona Lewses, which is both a rubbish pun (unless she's planning to move to the county town of East Sussex out of shame) and a really odd angle to take.

As Pete Samson points out, though, the much-predicted "Pop hits back" story for the event proved to be a duff sell, with the Monkeys, Foos and Nash scooping armfuls of prizes for the rock-ish tendency.

With deadlines working against him, Gordon fills his spread with Cheryl Cole, of bloody course, burbling esxcitedly about a "secret summit" between Cole and Cole "just hours before" the Brits. Once again, though, Gordon's lead story points out that his big claims on Tuesday were useless, as it turns out that not only was Ashley not in the UK on C-Day, but, erm, neither was Cheryl, as she flew in yesterday:

Yet just hours earlier she held the secret summit with England and Chelsea ace Ashley after he begged her to see him when she jetted back from Los Angeles yesterday afternoon.

So, the big C-Day summit and the participants weren't even on the same continent. Still, it's apparently finally happened.

So, what was the outcome, Gordon? (Actually, we say Gordon - he shares the byline on the story with Richard White, but we suspect Gordo's bits are the gossips nuggets from the Brits.)

“Cole knew this was his last chance, but he still hasn’t been forgiven. Just a couple of hours before the Brits they had a showdown and Cheryl was a wreck.

“All the recovering she has done in the last three weeks was blown away by seeing Ashley again.”

So, nobody really knows.

The actual interesting part of the story isn't anything to do with the Cole circus:

Cheryl’s band-mate NADINE COYLE failed to attend the lavish Brits ceremony in Earls Court.

She was expected to claim she had lost her passport, preventing her from flying in from LA.

But band sources said it was her way of saying she wants no more to do with Girls Aloud, who were up for Best Group.

Perhaps she just didn't want to be on the plane with Cheryl running through her speech for Ashley over and over.

Wouldn't you rather be watching Torchwood? The Brits liveblog

"Tomorrow's tabloids in the making" promises the continuity announcement, with what we can only assume are fingers crossed.

Mika's up first, then, doing a song that feels about four years old already. The giant finch hanging from the stage is a nice touch, mind. For some reason he's dressed as a matador. This year's Scissor Sisters, isn't it?

8.02
Mika opens a small door, and out pops Beth Ditto - like a faux indie version of Hearsay Its Saturday. She's wearing one of those silly little perching on head hats; they attempt to meld Love Today and Standing In The Way Of Control into one song - with limited success. This really does feel like I Love 2006. Mika's still going on - Ditto's disappeared, and so has the giant cutout finch.

8.05
Tom Baker is doing the voiceovers again - another warm-twenty-four-months-ago touch.

Sharon and Ozzy have come on stage, with the kids - nepotism, nepotism. Sharon is screeching like she's never been on stage before. Ozzy is stood looking lost.

"If you think this is over the top, wait to see what we've got in store for you later" screeches Sharon. It's not over the top, dear, it's struggling to rise to the occasion.

Award one: best live act. "A very naughty man" is presenting - "he gets loads of complaints, but let's face it, all the best people do these days" says Sharon. Eh? What does that mean? Talent is no longer capable of entertaining without offending? Isn't that a bit sad.

It's Moyles, who's come out. Oh god, Kelly and Jack are apparently sticking around for the whole show. Why?

Actually, Moyles seems to be auditioning for hosting the show - he'd actually have been better at it than the gaggle who got the gig.

So, best live act, then - sponsored by Radio 2 (but don't say it out loud). If it's sponsored by Radio 2, shouldn't Terry Wogan be presenting?

Obviously, the prize goes to Take That.

8.10
The prize, apparently, is a sign that "pop is back", which seems to have been decided is the official line of the show. (Although why have a rock icon presenting them, then?)

Take That are very polite. Mark Owen appears to be wearing some sort of lady's neckerchief and matching blouse. It's very fetching.

Jason thanks the riggers and truck drivers - see, very polite indeed.

Kelly and shambledad come forward to introduce the heavily-trailed Rhianna/Klaxons duet.

They're in a giant pyramid - it looks a bit like a offcut from the Crystal Maze.

Oh. It's not a very happy marriage, either; less a collaboration, more Rhianna singing her hit despite what the Klaxons are doing. Oops.

(The tabloids will tell you this is amazing tomorrow.)

8.15
This is going to bemuse the people who like the song, while not really persuading people to sample The Klaxons. Maybe they should have tried a different song? But then celebrating 2007 without having Umbrella would miss the point a little.

Fearne is backstage, padding out the show with backstage interviews. Mark Owen seems to suggest the That got last year's awards copied down the arcade by the bloke who cuts the keys from a stall outside Marks and Spencers.

The Hit40 stations get a clear mention for their support on the Best Single prize. Jesus - The Hoosiers made the shortlist? No wonder Ricky Wilson was annoyed at being left off.

First break: Jack Black's done one of his wacky films, then. Oh good.

Yikes... it's that bloody scary Lloyds TSB advert. That gives me nightmares, it really does. And since when did Lloyds and trains go together?

8.20
And we're back. Sharon's STILL EXCITED. It's no surprise, she tells us, that Adele's won the "critic's choice" award. She's a lovely girl, apparently. Jack is settling into a thousand yard stare.

Sharon makes a lame gag about Will Young being gay, which is met with a slightly stunned silence.

Will tries to explain the critic's choice award - he can tell us what it is, but not why. What's the point?

Blah blah blah Brits school blah roll of honour blah Amy Winehouse...

Adele has celebrated by getting an even bigger bun for the back of her head. "I'm not gonna speak for too long cause I think big speeches are borin'". She instead churns out a long list of thanks instead. Because that's much more compelling.

8.25
British Breakthrough Act

What is Sharon talking about? What?

Jonathan Rhys Myers is presenting - ten years since Velvet Goldmine, you know.

Radio One has supported the breakthrough act; this is probably the only interesting competition of the evening. Unless it goes to Mika.

It goes to Mika.

8.30
Mika bellows like a man who has caught his penis in a revolving door.

He's beaten Bat For Lashes, Kate Nash, The Klaxons... and yet it feels like his career has already peaked.

Presumably the parachuting in of Kelly and Jack must have been a result of some terrible rehearsals? Kelly never mentioned she was presenting during the nominations.

Ew, what is Kylie wearing? It looks like one of Carol Vorderman errors from mid-period Countdown. The presence of Daft Punk style blokes in tinfoil suits doesn't disguise that Wow is probably her weakest single since... well, The Locomotion. And the 'wow wow wow wow' bit sounds like when you put your hand over your ear and open and close it quickly.

Kylie's hair seems to have been inspired by the Lindsay Lohan as Marilyn Monroe photoshoot.

Ooh, she's got some half-hearted glitter, like she's won quarter of a million on deal or no deal.

Backstage, Fearne asks Adele if winning has sunk in yet. "I found out in December" points out Adele. I'm warming to her.

Another break: Weetabix this time - try it with some fruit on. Yeah. It's like advertising toilet roll with advice to "have a go with it doubled it".

Why have Cadburys brought back the Crunchie advert from so long ago? It looks horrible on modern high-def television.

8.40
"Welcome back" screeches Sharon, stumbling over her speech. It's one of Destiny's Child! Oh, but it's only Kelly Rowland. And she's only presenting a prize, but neither Sharon nor Kelly O bothered to mention what the award was for. Kelly picks up the slack. It's International Male time.

Kanye West has won. He's sent a tape because he can't be arsed to plod over to London to get the statue. He does some mildly amusing business about being humble, before thanking Westwood. And "most importantly the fans".

Sharon's confused about the next category. Kelly laughs in panic. Neither woman has a clue how to get back to where they should be. It's falling apart.

So they wheel on Beth Ditto with the British male prizes. Ditto also stumbles over the category name.

And the winner is... Mark Ronson. Well, if they still did a best producer prize he'd have won that, and at least it's not Mika. Is it entirely fair for the soloist prize to go to someone who isn't a soloist.

Ronson does a gag about having "some notes", waving around sheafs of paper. Old, but at least he's making an effort. And he admits that he's not really a soloist, too.

8.45
We commend to you at this point David Hepworth's piece in the Independent on the Brits, where he points out that its twin aims are efforts doomed to fail - nobody outside the UK is interested in an event where 'Cumbawamba throw water over John Prescott' is considered to be a highlight, and in the always on, instant reaction world of scrobbling and blogging, celebrating the songs from last year in February is a little late.

Jack Osbourne takes the lead in introducing the Kaisers - although Ozzy does get to say "Iwaaarryouuallltogacraaaeeforthekaissercheeese".

They're doing Ruby on what Fearne Cotton had promised would be the "craziest" Brits set ever. It's some scaled down models. It looks like the opening credits to The House of Tiny Tearaways.

They're off key, too.

8.50
Beth helpfully points out that Mark Ronson has won loads of awards and so, effectively, a Brit ain't so much. Mark mumbles something to try and take the sting from that rude-but-true observation.

Another break?

8.55
Oh, they're trying to push Kinder chocolate as an adult chocolate still, are they? That's never going to work, unless they put porno toys in the eggs.

Over on the Guardian liveblog (from within the event - get them), Rosie Swash reveals that Missy Elliott's guest of honour is Lulu. Which is more interesting than the show itself.

As if on cue, Kelly O says that this where the show gets interesting - as if admitting the first hour has been a bit ho-hum.

Ah! Here's David Tennant, with an internation female prize. Now, a cynic would expect Rhianna to win this, what with her doing the show and all.

Ah, but Kylie is also up for it. She gets the prize, too - how many more times are Tennant and Minogue going to share stages?

9.00
God, it takes Kylie an age to get to the podium. Could they not have sat the nominees nearer the front? Trevor starts at Ten sharp these days with the news, you know.

Sharon mentions the X Factor to remind us that she's not always rubbish on live tv and to try and suggest that, somehow, Leona Lewis owes it all to her. A "fabulous talent", apparently.

Sorry for not mentioning the commenters, by the way: Sharon/Harry Hill very apt, anon. And, yes, Mat, you've nailed the thing that's been bugging me. Expensive hair, wide mouth - Kelly is Shami Chakrabarti tonight, isn't she?

Leona Lewis actually turns out to be not so very good - it's a nice backing vocal, but it's all screeching otherwise. Still, she gets more glitter than Kylie did. Probably to make up for losing that prize to Mika earlier.

9.05
The kids are having a go now - Kelly struggles with "Olivier award", as if she'd never heard of Sir Larry. Andrew Lloyd Webber has come on - he'd be BBC1's answer to Sharon Osbourne, if you think about it - and done some business with Denise Van Outen. (She'll work with anyone - Vaughan in the morning, Milord Webber at night). They're doing the big International Award, none of whose nominees have been bothered to turn up.

It goes to The Foo Fighters, under the well known 'Dave Grohl's a nice chap (apart from the AIDS business)' rule governing awards ceremonies.

James Nesbitt is now dragging himself up on stage - somehow even more out of place than on Buzzcocks - but reminds everyone the football is on Sky before the British female prize.

Something else David Hepworth said is that the British/International distinction is meaningless in the 21st century - and wouldn't you want to see Bat For Lashes take on Feist instead of Leona Lewis?

Kate Nash wins. Another Brits school winner for this award, points out Fearne, which makes the whole thing seem even more like a closed shop than an open competition.

Extemporising, Kate Nash is a lot less fascinating than she is on record. She even thanks Virgin Publishing.

9.10
Good lord - in a bid to try and shore up ITV2's purchase of Bionic Woman (a buy-in that doesn't seem quite so smart now) Michelle Ryan is on with the winner of International Album.

The Foo Fighters have been judged to be better than The Eagles. In this context. Dave Grohl mildly takes the piss out of Kula Shaker on his taped acceptance.

It's the kids again, barking up the "very special" bit - Mark Ronson and... Adele. Not... you know, Amy Winehouse, then? Because it's not like she'll be backstage to come on and surprise everyone halfway through, is it?

9.15
Considering how humble Mark Ronson seemed picking up his award, it's hilarious the stage consists of giant marquees with his name on them.

Why, who's this? That's not Winehouse. It's the Stop Me bloke again. Nobody stops him, unfortunately. And the 'You Keep Me Hanging On' snatch isn't clever when the meandering last longer than the actual song you were supposed to be singing.

And now, here's someone else. Surprise! (Not, you know, actually surprising) Yes, its Winehouse. Not doing it that well - like a child in a karaoke competition, to be honest - but (like the dog on hind legs) it's amazing you're seeing it at all. The trouble is she's clearly TRYING for it now. The one thing she always used to have was an air of effortlessness.

But perhaps that's just the nerves at coming back. And, seriously: Better her here, doing that, than to be covering her funeral.

9.20
Yet another break. This is, after all, commercial television. They're showing the advert for Heinz Microwave Beans - the ones which imply that, somehow, opening a ring-pull can and hearing on a stove is somehow a complex operation.

Mikey: assuming you come back at 9.50 and don't turn over for the next episode of Torchwood on BBC3... marks out of ten for tonights 'Wood?

And Random - an eight year old boy's haircut on a thirtysomething woman is an expensive undertaking indeed. Have you any idea how much it costs to scalp a child these days?

Daniel Merriweather. That's the bloke who did Stop Me. ON THE BRITS STAGE. Why? Why? It's like the BAFTAs giving stage space to a bloke from Hollyoaks.

Uh-oh - looks like Sharon just swore, and the seven second delay involved just slowing the tape down so she sounded like she was Godzilla. Some gag about Simon Cowell.

Ian McKellen off Coronation Street comes on, and does a joke about wanting to meet Mika. It falls rather flat.

9.25
But at least they don't have to slow it down.

The Arctic Monkeys have shown up to accept their award. Sell-outs! Sell-outs!

They're dressed as country gentlemen - To The Manor Born chic - although the joke actually makes them seem like they're the Kaiser Chiefs for some reason.

They've got a duck call and a decoy with them. If someone rushed on stage with a gun and a labrador, thay'd make it funnier.

Kelly is now introducing "my dera friend" Amy Winehouse - according to Mitch Winehouse and Closer, it's the Osbournes who are getting her straight. But would you really choose to kick heroin just to turn into Sharon? Hard to credit.

Doing Love Is A Losing Game, she looks quite awkward - not in the drug-era, about-to-topple-over way, but in a 'how does this work again' way? And she looks more like Gaynor Faye than ever.

9.30
"Make some noise for my husband, my Blake". Uh-oh.

Sharon's been allowed to introduce Alan Carr all on her own. She delivers the words - some joke about Ding Dong, obviously - with the panache of a 1980s text-to-speech programme.

So, who's got single of the year - voted for by the people who are watching this programme? (The world's most sophisticated electorate, expect for those voting for Man of the Match on Sky One.)

It's Take That - but apparently only just ahead of Leona Lewis; paradoxically, then, appearing live seems to have hurt rather than helped her.

Take That are now a little more drunk. But still quite polite. What is Alan Carr doing in the background with the two Osbourne women?

9.35
Sharon chases Take That off the stage - at least she's handy when you need to pick up the pace. Until she starts talking and goes waffling off again.

Vic Reeves has come on with what I think is the fifteenth prize that Sharon has described as the "big one". Reeves hasn't actually thought his bit through. And doesn't seem to know where he is. In these circumstances, its important to have a host who can smooth things over.

Osbourne Mere screeches and yells. Sharon keeps telling Vic to piss off as they fight over the winner. The Arctic Monkeys look a little frightened at having to go onstage while Osbourne shouts "pisshead" and Reeves tries to grab the card back.

This is how the BPI thinks they can sell records in the emerging markets.

The Monkeys roam about while Osbourne shouts "bloody hell... get a move on... what have they come as?" - apparently unaware she's wearing a microphone, and on live television.

9.40
The producers give up and cut from the stage to Fearne in a bid to try and keep to some sort of timings. It turns out they're keen to make sure that Paul McCartney's set splits nicely betweent ITV and ITV2. The one night of the year that News At Ten might stand a chance of giving the Ten O'Clock a run for its money, and they're scuttling its chances by pied-piper like leading away of half the audience.

Another break. Let's hope it's long enough for them to sort Sharon out. And maybe see if someone can find out what's happened to Ozzy, who we don't think we've seen for about an hour.

Ooh, there's a trail for the Tens - a desperate appeal for a missing child... full details after the Brits. That's not too tacky, then.

Paul McCartney's being lined up - and even Ozzy is back to introduce "Mr Sir Paul McCartney". As everyone else panics "not yet... not yet..." Yes, Ozzy's had one thing to do in sixty minutes, and fucks it up.

9.45
"She's a survivor like me..." - yes, Sharon's trying to introduce Kylie as if they're sisters under the skin. Kylie is the closest thing to a safe pair of hands the show's had on stage in a while (why hadn't she been asked to present the whole thing?).

Here's Macca, then, getting his first Brit Award, more or less. He's wearing a sensible coat, fully-buttoned up. Must be feeling the chill at his age.

"Thats it from us" says Kelly Osbourne; Sharon explains who Paul McCartney is like a headteacher forced to do a religious bit in assembly, and claims that Ozzy has played Paul's music every day she's known him. Considering he was off his skull for a large chunk of it, that seems a little unlikely - "I'll have some drugs, but I'll pop on Band On The Run first"?

Macca takes the stage to show why he's picking up the lifetime achievement award - and launches into recent fab-wacky-by-numbers plodder Dance Around. It's like DaVinci getting an innovation award and saying thank you by inventing a trouser press or something.

9.50
In other words: McCartney has, inarguably, written some bloody brilliant songs in his time - so why isn't he doing one of those instead of trying to push his most recent album?

This is a bit more like it - and by "it", we mean "that set he did at Glastobury a few years back" - Live And Let Die. He appears to have some fireworks for it, but mostly film of fireworks. Live And Let The Guy From Health And Safety Have A Look At The Plans, then.

9.55
Anonymous commenter - if the Osbournes had been any more over the place, they'd probably have announced McCarthy, and I think under the rules they'd have been obliged to play.

He's onto Hey Jude, now. You might have trouble hearing it over the sound of Yoko grinding her teeth. What's the betting in a couple of years they'll have to create some way of giving John a balancing prize, to be presented to, ooh, shall we say his widow? Not next year - that'd look too like a tit-for-tat. But we're betting on 2009.

10.00
So, what have we learned - as McCartney splits the audience into men and ladies for some singing of rounds, like at a church picnic? That the Osbournes were as bad as we'd feared - not wild, out of control, did-you-see-that-brilliant-thing wild, just half-arsed, bad-choice bad. Whoever parachuted Kelly and Jack in to prop them up probably deserves to be sent a box of thank you muffins from ITV - and how bad must something be if the presence of Kelly Osbourne makes things better?

The prizes didn't really go to anyone that surprising, but then the shortlist was uninspiring so that wasn't very surprising at all.

Kate Nash is less than we'd hoped; Mark Ronson is more charming than we'd expected; and Vic Reeves is never going to work again.

That wooshing sound you can hear? It's the 2008 Brit Awards ceremony vanishing into a vacuum. It felt less like the biggest night of music in the year, and more like that thing they do at kids parties where they show you some unrelated things on a tray, cover it up and see how many you can remmeber.

There was a duck... and, erm, a... was there a joke about bingo?

Gordon in the morning: Amy not at the Brits

So, that was the big upset of the night, then: the no-show of Amy Winehouse at the Brits... hang on, it hasn't happened yet, has it? Turns out it was a rehearsal she didn't show up for.

Gordon happily takes credit for the disaster:

The singer missed a crucial awards show rehearsal on Monday after learning her jailbird hubby BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL was trading her signed pictures for hits of heroin.

Distraught Amy thought he was swapping the snaps for cigarettes from other lags in London’s Pentonville Prison.

Her friends believe his sordid deals, which I revealed on Monday, has pushed her “closer than ever” to ditching the junkie loser.

We imagine the detail about "swapping signed photos for tobacco" is meant to try and - belatedly - plug some of the gaps in the original story back on Monday. It doesn't, of course (wouldn't it have been simpler to give him some cigarettes instead of signed photos to barter with?), but it's nice to see Gordon getting excited by the prospect of another divorce for the second day running:

Amy’s family are already prepared for what will happen if she and Blake divorce. Despite fears Blake will try to get his grubby mitts on a big chunk of her music fortune, they reckon he hasn’t got a hope.

They are convinced he will not be entitled to anything, arguing Amy was addled by drugs when they married last May.

So, not only has Gordon got the divorce going, but he's decided that Blake will want large sums of cash, and created the line that the Winehouse family will use to fight claims for money. Oh, and:

“He will be offered a one-off payment and told if he goes to court to get more he will end up with nothing, as Amy was not in a fit mental state to marry him.”

... also come up with outcome of the hearing that would happen. Quite an impressive extrapolation from 'woman fails to show up for a run-through of a song'.

What about the other divorce? Cheryl Cole, Gordon reported yesterday, was flying back to go eyeball to eyeball to Ashley Cole. Despite him being in Greece. Amusingly, not only is there not a word about the Coles in Bizarre this morning, for the first time in days, but links to yesterday's big story have vanished - and Gordon (or a nominated adult) has done some subtle, unacknowledged editing of yesterday's story, which now reads:

LOVE rat ASHLEY COLE will come face to face with wife CHERYL for showdown talks on their crumbling marriage this week.

Of course, this time yesterday that opening read:

The cheating Chelsea star will come face to face with wife CHERYL tonight for showdown talks on their crumbling marriage.'

It means that Gordon has had to abandon his "C-Day" conceit - as "C-sometime-this-week" made even less sense, which means that he's also had to lose his bit of business about D-day ("Divorce day", you'll recall.)

Trouble is, whoever tried to tidy up the story to remove the obvious howlers missed one, as the story as republished yesterday still makes the claim that the big showdown was coming "tonight", the 19th:

She stopped eating after The Sun revealed the England footballer cheated on her with hairdresser Aimee Walton.

Cheryl has told Ashley she will go back to their Surrey mansion and hear him out tonight.

Presumably whoever did the corrections couldn't bring themselves to wade all the way through the piece, and hoped nobody else would bother, either.

It's good that Gordon has admitted his original story was rubbish, and there's nothing wrong with correcting webpages when you've printed something that couldn't possibly have been true. What's shady, though, is to try and do it without anyone noticing. Everyone makes mistakes, Gordon. But big ones like this you should at least make some mention of when you're tidying them up.

Or perhaps just keep to the safer 'writing about what you can see in a photograph'. Today, Gordon has a photo of Kate Moss which shows her knees. In the cold, you can make out her kneecap. This sends Gordon a little odd:

Model's knees are Jaffa Kates

What?

IT might be chilly in London but that didn’t stop KATE MOSS getting her orange knobbly knees out.

She’s just back from a holiday in the Maldives with boyfriend JAMIE HINCE and Kate’s pins reminded me of one of my favourite snacks – the Jaffa Cake.

I told you last month how EVA LONGORIA’s knees look like Tunnock’s Tea Cakes – the finest biscuit/cake combo.

I’d choose Tea Cake with Eva over a Jaffa Kate any day...

Whoever produces the index page for Bizarre seemed to have trouble understanding what the hell Smart was on about when producing the one-line teaser, plumping for:

Moss has snack attack as she gets her knobbly knees out in chilly London

Because 'actual newspaper columnist decides whose legs he'd rather eat' might just look a little strange.

I predict a pouty sulk ill-disguised as good natured joshing

Most of the right-thinking world was surprised that the Kaiser Chief's Ruby made the longlist for the Brits single of the year. Ricky Wilson, though, was more surprised that it didn't win through to the shortlist:

"Apparently we were in the nominees and then (someone handed me a piece of paper) with five nominees and we were not in there. Everyone knows Ruby is the best single, if you are gonna whittle them down to five, you'd think Ruby would be in there wouldn't you?"

"(The final five have) all got their merits, but I am just a bit annoyed. There is no point making enemies with these people cos they will all be there."

Oh, come on, Ricky - "Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby Do ya do ya do ya do ya" - it's clearly something you tossed off in a weak moment. Would you really be able to accept a prize for that without having the weight of it hang on your conscience?