Gordon in the morning: Quick, before the corpse goes cold

Given that Blake Fielder-Civil is part of Gordon Smart's personal demonology, if he was going to try and cash-in on the death of his former wife by writing a book about it, Gordon'd be the last person to help out by doing the prepublicity, right?

Of course not.:

AMY Winehouse's ex-husband Blake Fielder-Civil is considering writing a book about the tragic star, it was claimed last night.

I suppose that Gordon realised he'd be on shaky ground calling anyone else out on using tattle about Winehouse's decline as a money-spinner.

Gordon in the morning: Picking over the bones

How frustrating it must have been for Gordon Smart, Amy Winehouse's death coming at the worst possible time for a daily newspaper. Still, there's much mawkish and intrusive speculation he can still rake through - were there drugs at the scene? how long before the body was found?

Alastair Taylor has been charged with trying to suddenly bend the carefully constructed Bizarre narrative around Blake Fielder-Civil into something with more gravitas.:

AMY Winehouse's jailed ex-husband broke down in tears after learning of her death, and admitted yesterday: "I'm beyond inconsolable ... my tears won't dry."

I say "gravitas". I'm misusing the term, obviously. Is there a word for "written in the sort of voice Simon Bates would use for an Our Tune about cancer?"

So, Blake has hastily been recast from 'no better than a Kray' to a sort of Lenny Godber.

Fielder-Civil's current partner, Sarah Aspin, is given way too much space:

Sarah added: "I think Amy could not get over the fact that Blake and I had had our son Jack. I think it hit her pretty hard."

Obviously, nobody knows, and probably will never know, what it was that had been running through Amy's head these last few weeks, months, years and maybe seeing her ex sort-of sort out his life (except for the whole prison-for-burglary-and-firearms thing) was an influence. Trouble is, written down and printed in a newspaper, it sound a bit like you're gloating.

They also drag out Blake's mother to have a little wail about how, if only her boy wasn't banged up, things might have been different:

Georgette Civil said he would feel he "should have been there" for Amy during her battle with drink and drugs instead of being locked up.

He only got sent down last month. And even if we generously assume he could have made a difference, suppose he has turned up, hanging out with Amy, "trying to help". Would The Sun have reacted with delight? Somehow, I suspect not.

Gordon in the morning: Specials, sauce

Is there anything more patronising in today's papers than Gordon Smart patting Lynval Golding on the head for having a cheap meal?

THE IVY, Nobu or Cipriani - posh London restaurants where you expect to see celebs tucking into some post-awards bash grub.

But THE SPECIALS legend LYNVAL GOLDING opted for a £7.99 all-you-can-eat buffet back in Coventry after his band picked up The Q Inspiration Award.

What a lord.

Does Gordon realise that the phrase "what a lord" doesn't really sound like praise, and sounds more like what people say when they read one of Gordon's columns?

And why is Gordon suddenly applauding a frugal approach?

That's a lesson to the next generation. Just weeks ago I rumbled JLS with a £6,000 bar bill after a night on the pull.

Talk about Too Much Too Young. I'm sure they'd find a much higher standard of future wife at their nearest Taybarns.

Well, "rumbled" in the sense of "ran a story about".

But this story isn't really about Lynval, or even about JLS (God, how did they even get in here?) No, the story is about one thing. Again. Or rather two:

I spoke to Amy at the awards and she was the most lucid and healthy I have seen her for ages.

We even had a chuckle about her new knockers. But later she posted Facebook messages for Blake, saying: "See you when you know when. Can't wait to be all gentle and nasty."

Yes, Gordon is still going on about Amy's breasts.

Still, it's not like Gordon's obsessed with Amy Winehouse's tits.

KATE MOSS unveils her biggest-ever Christmas fashion range for Topshop - and is busting to display a couple of crackers into the bargain.

The supermodel, 35, looked curvy in a low-cut sequined dress as she showed off her collection for the high street chain.

He's just obsessed with any breasts.

Civil served: Curious story in today's News Of The World

There's a really curious story in the News Of The World this morning. It's not just odd because it paints Blake Fielder-Civil in a good light, but because it seems to be based entirely on his mum standing nearby while he was on the phone to Amy Winehouse:

The ex-jailbird is not allowed to see Amy or give interviews as it would breach his parole licence - but his mum was there when he phoned Amy on Tuesday afternoon.

Georgette Civil heard him say: "I will give up £6million to show you how much I love you."

And afterwards he told Georgette: "I am not a parasite, I am not a gold-digger. I've always just told wanted her for her love, not her money."

So, having decided to leave off the actual illegal monitoring of communications used by the paper in the era before Andy Coulson left the NOTW for Conservative Party HQ, they're now relying on gossipy relatives, are they?

The story is clouded by the revelation that Georgette is writing a kiss-and-tell book - for charity. And then even more clouded:

Blake then asked her to drop a lawsuit against Georgette for giving the star's love letters to him to the News of the World.

Apparently Blake asked Amy to drop the lawsuit because Georgette is "just a hairdresser", although whenabouts in the salon you give private documents to journalists isn't clear - is that before you put them under the drier, or after?

Gordon in the morning: Poking

One day, Murdochs Rupert and James believe people will be reaching in their pocket to pay for Gordon Smart's work. It'll be interesting to see how much cash there is to be made from copying messages between Blake Fielder-Civil and Amy Winehouse off Facebook.

Incidentally, we're told that "Blake [is] at his remote Yorkshire rehab centre." Doesn't he go to one in Sheffield? It's hardly the Arizona desert, is it?

Winehouse is pretending to be a cat in the messages - why she's chosen the persona of an animal which is known for throwing up all over the carpet and scratching those who care for it is beyond me.

Meanwhile, Gordon catches up with the Nic Cester being sick story, with this teaser:

Aussie rockers’ ambulance rider

JET asked for an 999 crew on standby at club night as lead singer Nic Cester had a bug

A 999 crew "on standby"? Do you want to think about that, Gordon? I suppose, technically, paramedic emergency response teams are perpetually on stanby for all of - #welovethenhs - but how would you persuade a team to hang around outside a nightclub on the off-chance that a musician might fall over, exactly?

The Blake-up

Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil have divorced:

In divorce papers before the court it was stated that Fielder-Civil "finds it intolerable to live with the respondent".

Is St Lucia really that bad, Blake?

In light of the news about the other celebrated divorcing woman, Jordan, this morning, you might be worried at the implication of this story, but don't be alarmed. It's hugely unlikely Winehouse will be going anywhere near a recording studio in the foreseeable future.

Gordon in the morning: Gary in the morning

Gordon, of course, should be half-way up a mountain with Gary Barlow and a couple of Girls Aloud right now, but he's had to pull out because of family illness. Which, genuinely, you have to respect him for: there are too many journalists who would have put the ultimate in social climbing ahead of family.

It's worked out well for The Sun, too, as it means they've got Gary Barlow doing the coverage instead, which has to be a better box office draw.

The question, of course, is if Gary can turn out the sort of observation that Gordon would have come up with:

We are all suffering from altitude sickness and everyone is emotional, especially the girls.

It turns out: yes.

Back at base camp Wapping, apparently the 'Amy cannot escape Blake's evil tentacles' story has now turned in to 'Blake cannot escape Amy's evil tentacles':

IT’S the oldest trick in the book – AMY WINEHOUSE is trying to win back estranged hubby BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL with a sprinkling of FRANK SINATRA.

Is that the oldest trick in the book? Does that mean there were absolutely no tricks in the book whatsoever in the 1940s?

Still, given that Blake - if I remember the story so far correctly - was a terrible drug-addiction generating, cash-sucking, untrustworthy cur. So, this is a bad thing, right?

Apparently, maybe not:

Will she win Blake's heart again? ... Amy and her estranged hubby in happier times

Those were happier times? Wasn't he busily getting her hooked on the drugs? It's all very confusing.

Blake Fielder-Civil seeks divorce settlement

Presumably Amy telling the News Of The World that he was rubbish in bed proved the final straw, but Blake Fielder-Civil has filed civil papers to start a divorce from Amy Winehouse. The grounds are adultery, apparently.

Gordon in the morning: Without you, I'm nothing

It's been a torrid relationship, but it's taken to a whole new level this morning:

SINGER AMY WINEHOUSE gave junkie hubby BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL a “farewell bonk” in hospital before he returned to jail, pals said last night.

No, not Blake and Amy. Pete and Gordon:

By PETE SAMSON
and GORDON SMART

The deputy's byline climbing on top of the guv'nor? And the pair of them sharing a tiny story like this?

The source added: “It was obvious what went on.”

No, that's back to the supposed Amy and Blake sex. This might seem a little odd to readers who rely on Pete Samson's Gordon Smart's Bizarre column to track the lives of the famous, as they would have finished their breakfast yesterday assured that Amy and Blake were over. Apparently, it was Blake's Harold Steptoe charm which sealed the deal:

He told Amy, 25, how sexy she looked — and unlike the line from her hit Rehab, she could not say “No, no, no”.

Two men wrote that.

Elsewhere in The Sun - away from Gordon's kingdom - Leon Watson reports on Google's moves to tidy up YouTube:

YouTube bans 'suggestive' vids

Really, Leon?

"Videos with sexually suggestive (but not prohibited) content will be age-restricted, which means they'll be available only to viewers who are 18 or older," the Google-owned website said.

So they're banning videos, but not prohibiting them.

The internet's top video-sharing site also said it would step up enforcement of rules banning misleading descriptions in the tags and titles of a video.

Misleading titles, huh? Like putting "X bans Y" on top of a story about X not actually banning Y at all, for example?

Gordon in the morning: Boomerang Blake

Gordon and Pete are working together this morning - it would be unkind to assume that Samson's done the writing and Smart wrote the byline - as editor and deputy claim that Blake Filledof-Cocaine has failed a drugs test and will be heading back to prison (or "back to lags" as the headline has it, which presumably is meant to be a pun on Back To Black, even although it isn't). The pair claim that Blake - upon hearing the news - rushed off to try and see Amy Winehouse in hospital, while Amy's friends delight at the news:

Amy’s friend said yesterday: “She had finally started stepping up divorce proceedings again but he started phoning again and getting inside her mind.

“Now he is out of the picture again she can concentrate on getting her life on track.”

Given that while he was in prison before, Winehouse was more devoted than ever, you wouldn't necessarily put money on that.

In the interests of fairness, there's a brilliant headline in Bizarre today:

Beyonce's hirsutilicious

It's a pity it sits on top of a nasty non-piece about Beyonce's armpit hair.

Blake: I'm the fall guy

From the shape of this morning's News Of The World, it's looking like Blake has decided that it's over with Amy and has embarked on a round of mea culpas.

Let's not be cynical - it would be very easy to believe that Fielder-Civil is merely telling the tabloids what they want to hear ("I introduced Amy to drucks") in return for a payday, or that he has cooked up a noble-sounding "I have chosen to leave her to save the woman I love" cover for the end of a relationship. It may all be true. But - oh, alright then, let's be cynical: if you really want to accept the guilt for Amy's addiction, and to do the right thing, why the hell are you in the pages of one of her tormentors making it all worse again?

Fielder-Civil's appeal wanes

Blake Fielder-Civil, off of the Amy Winehouse programme, has had his appeal against the sentence following convictions for assault and perverting the course of justice turned down:

He said he was "not really surprised" at the decision of the Court of Appeal.

But even so, he bravely decided to plough on burning through public money and clogging up the court system to have a crack anyway.

It seems his big idea was to offer 'being married to Amy Winehouse' as a reason for the mercy of the courts:

Giving the ruling of the court, Mr Justice Pitchford said that one of the factors of mitigation put forward was "the unwanted attention the appellant had received while in custody on remand as a consequence of his marriage to the singer Amy Winehouse.

"He sought, and was granted, segregation from the general population of the prison."

But the appeal court ruled that Fielder-Civil had no "justified complaint" about his sentence.

Although the judge hinted he might have given him a few months off if he'd been married to Mel B.

Gordon in the morning: He reads Facebook so you don't have to

How is Gordon keeping up with the latest developments in Amy Winehouse's confused and sad world?

Erm, by reading Facebook:

AMY WINEHOUSE has lost it with husband BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL after learning he contacted “other woman” SOPHIE SCHANDORFF before getting in touch with her after leaving jail.

As I revealed on Saturday, model Sophie used her Facebook page to say she was “celebrating the return of her sailor”.

Isn't copying something off Facebook rather less than a revelation, what with, by definition, that information having already been published? You know, I can copy the news that Gordon has a puppy called Lord Fletcher ("what a character") off his Bebo page, but that hardly makes me Woodward. Or Bernstein.

Nice to see The Sun running prison shower rape gags, though:

Funny that — his soap-on-a-rope mates in prison are probably missing their little sailor too . . .

Thank god Rupert Murdoch is providing clean, family entertainment, offering an alternative to that sexcually-obsessed muck Brand and Ross churn out on the BBC, right?

More 'exclusive first listens' for Gordon today, as Coldplay give the world's softest critic a chance to lick them clean. They've made a new ep, and - you might not believe this - Gordon believes it's brilliant:

Their new Prospekt’s March EP, which I’m the only journalist on the planet to have heard, is their most wildly eclectic offering to date.

Thumping hip-hop jams, thundering metal workouts, Indian tablas and colliery brass bands all jostle for space on their brilliant, bold and, at times, bonkers eight-tracker.

Oh, Gordon, if only you had more than two thumbs to have permanently up when given these exclusives.

Gordon in the morning: We've had lots of letters

Mitch Winehouse, Gordon gravely informs us, has a difficult conundrum this morning:

AMY WINEHOUSE’s husband BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL has sent a vile and abusive letter to her dad MITCH.

The six-page poison pen note from prison is packed with violent threats and abuse aimed at the cabbie.

Really? It seems a little strange that this would have come from prison, but carry on.

The letter is now in the hands of the police and solicitors as Mitch weighs up a difficult conundrum — press charges and risk his relationship with Amy or let the waste of space off the hook again.

It's not clear how a letter can be in two very different sets of hands at once; nor, indeed, how Winehouse would have thought that the choice about charges would be his after giving the letter to the police - whether he pressed charges or not, surely - if Smart's descriptions of the letter are true - there'd be more than enough for the cops to move with without Winehouse pressing charges?

And wouldn't Amy be just as - more - upset if the whole sorry saga ended up in the pages of the popular prints, with or without a police investigation? Oh.

And how much truth is there in this tale? There's nothing to substantiate it beyond an odd quote from a "close pal" of Mitch's:

“I could hear Mitch physically shaking when he phoned to tell me about the letter."

You could hear a man shaking down a phoneline? Really? How does that work, exactly?

Even Gordon seems to lose faith in the tale by the end, suddenly switching to discuss how, erm, Sharleen Spiteri's daughter likes Amy Winehouse. For some reason. Perhaps there's going to be a run of 'what pop music the children of 1990s stars likes'. If there's a lot of space to be filled, anyway.

And there is a lot of space. There's no other explanation for this sort of thing:

Alesha turns flirty

Or rather "thirty". Do you see what he... oh, you did?

Gordon in the morning: The disappearing story

Interestingly, although it's on Gordon's pages, the byline for the claims that Plant has agreed to a Led Zeppelin reunion is given to Jess Rogers - who is basing it nothing more than (insert Al Gore sigh here) an unnamed source, who isn't even pinned down as being a friend of anyone.

Now, of course, you'll be wondering who this Lead Zupplin is. Happily, there's an explanation tucked into the piece:

Led Zep, who have sold more than 300million albums worldwide, formed in 1968 and split up in 1980 when drummer John Bonham — father of Jason — died aged 32.

Rolling Stone magazine dubbed them the biggest band of the ’70s.

If you have to explain who they are - and can think of nothing more than a slightly pompous US magazine garlanded them with fame thirty years ago - is the story really all that relevant to your readers?
Of course, the real curiosity this morning is the vanishing tale. The picture of the paper spread shows Gordon confidently leading on a story about Blake Fielder-Civil and Amy Winehouse; but the front of Bizarre online doesn't mention the story at all - instead running with an advertorial about David Beckham's 2009 calendar. The Winehouse story can still be found by searching the Sun site. Is it simply someone's screwed up by forgetting to link to it - or is there a sudden wobble in the certainty of Gordon's claims that Fielder-Civil is about to released, living with an ankle tag in his Mum's house in Lincolnshire while taking a five hundred quid round trip to spend days in Camden?

Fielder-Civil goes deeper inside

Good news, then, for Gordon Smart, who is assured a string of stories smuggled out of jail in the coming weeks as Blake Fielder-Civil starts a 27-month sentence for a violent assault on a pub landlord and attempting to pervert the course of justice.

In a bid to try and keep himself out of chokey, his defence unsuccessfully attempted a bit of clumsy 'Amy Winehouse MIGHT DIE' if you send him down pleading:

Jeremy Dein QC, for Fielder-Civil, said his client had been thrown in to a "nightmare scenario" after the attack.

"[It's] not just for him but for his wife and his family," he said.

Mr Dein said the attack was the result of a "drugs-ridden lack of judgment rather than callousness".

"For almost half his life he has been in the clutches of drugs," he said.

He said Fielder-Civil had a history of self-harm and suicide attempts but was determined to rebuild his life with his wife.

He said: "It's their ambition to divorce themselves from hard drugs, not to separate themselves from each other.

"He knows that if he fails, an appointment with calamity awaits, not just for him but for his wife as well."

'If you don't do something, there's a chance Amy Winehouse might continue to take drugs' is hardly a very plausible argument, is it? It's like saying "if you don't put your recycling out on the right night, the sun will one day go supernova and destroy all life in our galaxy". It might be true, but it's just not connected.

Gordon in the morning: Does he read his own column?

There's been a lot of advice offered to Amy Winehouse over the past few months - none of which seems to have had much effect.

But Gordon has come up with an idea that he thinks is going to succeed where all else has failed: showing her a photo of Britney Spears:

HERE’S a picture I want AMY WINEHOUSE to take a long hard look at – BRITNEY SPEARS looking truly stunning.

It was less than six months ago that the American singer was put in hospital for her own good.

Just like Amy today, Britney was a drug-crazed wreck, dogged by controversy. But look at her now.

Yes, Amy: if you get your act back together, Gordon will move you back into his list of 'women who make me a bit squibbly'. What better reason could there be to kick the crack?

Almost aware that comparing a woman with a serious drug problem with a woman who has bipolar disorder could be considered facile, Gordon casts around for other similarities between Amy and Britney. Hey - they've both got Dads, don't they:

As well as Amy taking note, her dad MITCH might also want to read on — as a lot of credit for Britney’s dramatic recovery goes to her father JAMIE.

The chef — a former alcoholic — took charge of his daughter’s life and cut out her binges.

Mitch might want to tighten Amy’s reins after she stole a bunch of flowers from a Camden petrol station in the early hours of Sunday.

And... hang on, they're both heterosexual, aren't they?

Britney’s dad has also kept her troublesome pals at arm’s length.

Her “manager” SAM LUTFI has been served with a restraining order and Britney is only allowed supervised visits with on-off boyfriend, British photographer ADNAN GHALIB.

He is not allowed to stay the night with her.

Amy is claiming hubby BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL will be released from jail later today, under the terms of the sentencing at his trial for assault and perverting the course of justice.

If Mitch wants to get Amy back on track, instigating heavily marshalled visits with her no-good fella would be a good place to start.

Gordon doesn't seem to have noticed that - while Britney mucked about a bit with Adnan, Amy is actually married to Blake. Which is a bit different.

It's also interesting that his suggestions - tightening reins, marshaling visits - seem to be about controlling Winehouse rather than trying to make her better. If only she was like a ventriloquist's dummy, and could be kept in a suitcase between stage shows...

Gordon in the morning: Story without make-up

It must be a quiet day in the world of celebrity misbehaviour - either that, or Gordon is desperate to try and please Chris Martin. How else to explain the fawning but pointless "article" about Gwyneth Paltrow going out without any slap on? Reading Gordon, you'd assume this was on a par with having discovered how to teleport:

GWYNETH PALTROW steps out without make-up and looks radiant — naturally.
[...]
Gwyn-credible ... Paltrow without make-up at do

Gordon is so desperate to try and drum up some sort of story, he's reduced to listing the names and ages of those who, erm, aren't in the picture:

Gwyneth was also without COLDPLAY front man hubby CHRIS MARTIN, 31, or kids APPLE, four, and MOSES, two.

Two year old child not at some vague "do". I'm shocked.

Could you perhaps wrap the whole story up with a bemusing pun that doesn't quite work, Gordon?

Everyone at the party seemed happy with her natural look — well they didn’t give her any lippy, did they!

Still, there's thinner stuff this morning: Winehouse has been collecting Euro 2008 stickers as a gift for Blake when he's released (presumably alongside a sherbet dib-dab and a copy of the Beezer). Or, as Richard White puts it:

AMY WINEHOUSE has picked up her most shameful habit yet . . . collecting footie stickers.

Of course, it means we probably owe Gordon an apology. Back when he ran this story a year ago, we assumed he was just making a lame drug allusion:

Amy’s new hubby BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL was spotted entering a toilet cubicle at the pub with his crackhead idol PETE DOHERTY.

My guess is they were either swapping football stickers or comparing notes on how to look after successful women.

Perhaps Gordon really did mean he thought they were swapping football stickers all along.

Gordon in the morning: Continuing Winehouse woes

Yesterday, we were worried about Mitch Winehouse.

Today, Gordon is reporting that he collapsed from stress at the end of last week.

This leads to some Simon Bates style croaky-voiced editorialising from Gordon:

And there was the usual two fingers up to her ailing dad too – as she lit up a cigarette on stage.

Mitch spoke this weekend about how even smoking was putting her damaged lungs in serious danger.

But she sparked up anyway in front of cameras and thousands of fans.

Amy does not seem able to change her lifestyle to save herself. Let’s hope she can to save her dad.

Ye-e-s. That'll work.

More worryingly still, Winehouse still seems convinced that Blake is coming home in seven days time, rather than getting a custodial sentence. That's going to be a bit of a crunch, then.

Elsewhere, Gordon offers the prospect of Jessica Simpson faking an orgasm, which, erm, turns out to be a clip from Mike Myers' dreadful The Love Guru, and so was circulating about a month ago when the film was first released in the US.

Gordon in the morning: And this is your Blake on drugs

Interesting photos of Mr Winehouse doing heroin in Pentonville on Gordon's pages this morning. Ironic that, as David Blakey prepares his report on drugs in UK prisons, Amy's Blakey proves his point.

The wider question, though, is where Gordon is getting his photos from - are they coming from a prisoner with a mobile phone? Is Gordon paying for these snaps? And what would a prisoner be doing with a mobile phone in the first place? If the pictures aren't from a prisoner, then they'd have to be from staff. Either way, Smart is encouraging rule-breaking himself by running the photos - and, since there's no real public interest in seeing photos of Blake Fielder-Civil on his prison toilet - it's not clear why he thinks we should be encouraging people to be running round inside prisons with mobiles.

More at his level, there's an alarming photo of Smart looming out of a frame with Lionel Blair, illustrating a story suggesting that Smart couldn't actually think of a reason for printing it:

Lionel Blair hadn’t a clue

Really? The story is that Blair turned up for a wedding at the Dorchester while the Kaisers and Oasis were being drunk. Not clear that means he "didn't have a clue", unless it's now incumbent upon us all to know the whereabouts of Gallagher and Wilson at all times.

As I frogmarch him into The Dorchester, Noel and Ricky chant: “Lionel, give us a clue! Lionel, Lionel give us a clue!”

Yes, for some reason, Gordon felt the need to "frogmarch" a man into an event he'd been invited to. It doesn't strike us that Lionel is the one lacking a clue.