Gordon in the morning: An apology

We might have given you to understand that Gordon Smart spends most of his time perving over women's breasts. I now would like to acknowledge that is unfair, and...

ASTON MERRYGOLD can't be short of a few bob - and with the band's new film out this week there will be even more cash rolling in.

So it's a mystery why he can only ever afford miniature T-shirts.

The JLS singer was out and about in London last night with another of his chest-baring tops.

Apparently any breasts will do.

Although it probably saves fans from ripping his clothes if he's already got there first...

Breathe, Gordon. Remember to breathe.

Gordon in the morning: Yes, she does have breasts

Although it's the sort of conversation held in pubs up and down the land, when Gordon publishes the discussion between Tinie Tempah and himself about Dolly Parton it just sounds really, really seedy:

"I love everything about Dolly Parton. She has got massive boobs."

She certainly has - massive 64-year-old boobs.

he admits if he did get the chance to pull her, he'd still grab it with both hands.

He said: "She almost became an indirect auntie of mine, which makes it creepy that I'd be willing to go there.

"It really didn't start as a lustful sort of thing."

[...]
Dolly must be used to blokes admiring her considerable assets.

And she'd be silly not to pair up with someone as talented as Tinie, even if he did spend most of the time staring at her chest.

Yes, Dolly Parton's chest is a comedy stand-by, but... Gordon, did you really read this before running it? I know this is The Sun, and - as Laurie Penny points out in an excellent piece in the New Statesman - it's a paper which can't tell the difference between 'a bit of a laugh' and 'objectification of women', but this is just creepy.

Gordon in the morning: Specials, sauce

Is there anything more patronising in today's papers than Gordon Smart patting Lynval Golding on the head for having a cheap meal?

THE IVY, Nobu or Cipriani - posh London restaurants where you expect to see celebs tucking into some post-awards bash grub.

But THE SPECIALS legend LYNVAL GOLDING opted for a £7.99 all-you-can-eat buffet back in Coventry after his band picked up The Q Inspiration Award.

What a lord.

Does Gordon realise that the phrase "what a lord" doesn't really sound like praise, and sounds more like what people say when they read one of Gordon's columns?

And why is Gordon suddenly applauding a frugal approach?

That's a lesson to the next generation. Just weeks ago I rumbled JLS with a £6,000 bar bill after a night on the pull.

Talk about Too Much Too Young. I'm sure they'd find a much higher standard of future wife at their nearest Taybarns.

Well, "rumbled" in the sense of "ran a story about".

But this story isn't really about Lynval, or even about JLS (God, how did they even get in here?) No, the story is about one thing. Again. Or rather two:

I spoke to Amy at the awards and she was the most lucid and healthy I have seen her for ages.

We even had a chuckle about her new knockers. But later she posted Facebook messages for Blake, saying: "See you when you know when. Can't wait to be all gentle and nasty."

Yes, Gordon is still going on about Amy's breasts.

Still, it's not like Gordon's obsessed with Amy Winehouse's tits.

KATE MOSS unveils her biggest-ever Christmas fashion range for Topshop - and is busting to display a couple of crackers into the bargain.

The supermodel, 35, looked curvy in a low-cut sequined dress as she showed off her collection for the high street chain.

He's just obsessed with any breasts.

Gordon in the morning: Winehouse has secondary sexual characteristics

If there's one thing we know from Gordon's coverage of Amy Winehouse's drunken antics during her time in St Lucia, it's that he's got no time for her crashing all over the place pissed and useless.

Right, Gordon?

Except, erm, at the Q Awards, where apparently he's delighted by her crashing about all over the place, pissed and useless:

AMY WINEHOUSE was back to her bongoed best at yesterday's Q Awards - halting proceedings for ten minutes before stumbling on stage.

Apparently, the difference between being shambolic on stage and being "at your bongoed best" is your willingness to appear in an awkward photo:

Oh, and Amy does have a little extra now, which Gordon seems a little obsessed by:

Amy's Boob Boob: Winehouse nips out for the evening

Amy’s back to her bust at show

Bust in time... Amy Winehouse

The caner, proudly displaying the fruits of her recent boob job in a revealing red dress...

There was also time for this timeless exchange:

"Thanks for your support - and for helping Dionne," she said.

Startled, I replied: "You don't need any support by the looks of things."

Grinning, she added: "Impressive, ain't they?"

"Like two snooker balls in a sock," I concluded.

You can hear the cocktail cherry swirling in the Singapore Sling, can't you?

But it's all for charity

"Is everything she does imbued with low-grade innuendo" asks Michael M, pointing us in the direction of Katy Perry as she has her breasts moulded for charity.

That's as in 'a cast made of', rather than left half-cooked out of the fridge in hot weather. Naturally, the process has been videoed. (There's YouTube if you really want to see Perry getting her tits covered in a sticky white substance. The moulds will be sold to raise funds for a good cause.

Nobody would object to Perry deciding to help out a charity, even with some low-grade teen porn, but given that the charity she's 'helping' is a breast cancer one, is this really the best way to do so? Selling pert little tits made of plaster in aid of women who've lost a breast to cancer seems dangerously close to having a sponsored hop to raise funds for people who've had legs amputated.

Gordon in the morning: A confused young man

It's a strange device, Gordon Smart's moral compass. Happy to run long-lens shots of women with their breasts on display, and to discuss women's "crackers" and "bangers", all of a sudden Gordon has a fit of the vapours when discussing a ban on the name chosen by British sailors for their Olympic yacht:

Big t**s spark an Olympic row

Poor Gordon seems to be outraged at the ban on naming a boat after a Kooks song, railing at the organisers:

But their latest choice, Jackie Big T**s — a song from Inside In/Inside Out, the first album by The Kooks — has outraged humourless officials at this summer’s Beijing Games.

And yet Gordon is unable to print the name of the boat in his own column - which makes it seem odd that he's having a go at the Olympics people for calling it inappropriate. If a column which is happy to publish real tits balks at the word, why would you expect the most repressive Olympics yet to be alright with it?

Gordon in the morning: Court reporter

Given that Gordon has more-or-less written off the Winehouse-Fielder-Civil union as terminal, is it really so surprising that she didn't turn up at court for the second day of Blake's trial yesterday - or that she did on the first day? Gordon's readers - and let's just imagine such a creature, who relies on Bizarre for their nourishing non-news - would surely be wondering why, if Amy has moved on to other Blakes and other men, and Blake has moved on to a mystery blonde, the pair are supporting each other in court in the first place?

Meanwhile, Gordon's delighted that Christina Aguilera is planning to have more children. Not because he believes that they are our future, but - yes, inevitably - because boobies get bigger when you're pregnant:

FANS of CHRISTINA AGUILERA’S gargantuan post-pregnancy boobs need not fear shrinkage – she’s planning on having plenty more kids to keep them pumped up.

The Dirrty beauty’s breasts have maintained their eye-popping shape and size since the January birth of her son, MAX, with husband JORDAN BRATMAN.

It's like the first incarnation of Adrian Mole in charge of a newspaper column.

Gordon in the morning: Sometimes the paper is hard to fill

Set in the scale of slip-ups made by celebrities, Paris Hilton thinking that West Africa is a country might be worth a quick chortle - although how many Sun readers would have had to check an Atlas to make sure that's what her "gaffe" was. On a quiet bank holiday, though, Gordon grabs it like a pensioner finding an empty table in a Fortes cafe, and makes it a lead story.

Obviously, it takes padding. A lot of padding. Indeed, so stuffed is the story, Gordon somehow makes this the conclusion of a story about Paris thinking West Africa is a country:

It bothers me to see a mug like Danielle Lloyd raking in huge sums even after showing herself up on Celeb Big Brother as a racist numbskull.

Still, on a day when his newspaper's front page is barking "Gipsy hell for minister Tessa", nice to see Gordon taking a stand against racism.

To pad out a quiet day on Bizarre still further, an article by Antonella Lazzeri is drafted in, fretting over the pressures on young girls who hold up Jordan as a role model:

[C]onsultant psychologist Eileen Bradbury warned that girls could face a lifetime of surgery.

Mindful of this hard-ish-hitting piece about the cost of obsessions with tits finding a bank holiday berth in Bizarre, Gordon approaches his usual matter with, well, exactly the same finesse:

TV beauty HOLLY WILLOUGHBY has earned quite a reputation for her bumpers recently.

And now she’s added two more — in the shape of this soft-top VW Beetle.

To see more of Holly's 'airbags' click the slideshow below

Airbags. He means breasts.

Dolly Parton might have met Gordon Smart

Dolly Parton. Yes, talking about her breasts, again:

"When I talk to a man, I can always tell what he's thinking by where he is looking. If he is looking at my eyes, he is looking for intelligence. If he is looking at my mouth he is looking for wisdom.

"But if he is looking anywhere else except my chest he's looking for another man."

This kind of implies only gay men seek intelligence and wisdom. Or perhaps that only gay men seeking wisdom would think to ask Dolly Parton to help on the search.

Darkness at 3AM: Breasts

Uh-oh... has Gordon infiltrated the Mirror?

Paris Hilton parades her new puppies in LA - and we don't mean the furry type.

The 27-year-old seemed totally spellbound by her, ahem, natural charms.

Newton weighs Mel C's breasts

Victoria Newton bursts forward this morning with surprising news:

MEL C is snacking her way to bigger breasts.

Liverpudlian Mel - the most flat-chested member of The Spice Girls - has started eating specialist Japanese F-Cup cookies in preparaton for the group's reunion tour.

The biscuits, with a calorific value of 68.7 each, contain trans-fats which are sent directly to the breast area, as well as 50mg of "breast-enhancing herb" Pueraria Mirifica.

Manufacturers claim women can expect to see their breasts increase by at least a cup-size if they eat two cookies a day.

Besides being - what's the scientific term here? bollocks? - is Mel C, who we have down as more level-headed than flat-chested - really embarking on this fools' errand?

Probably not:

Mel told Radio 1: "I'll be a guinea-pig for them, can you imagine if my boobs got bigger suddenly?

"That'd be so great!"

Which, to us, sounds like she's taking the piss out of the idea rather than "eating breast biscuits".

Never mind, though, it gives Newton an excuse to publish pictures of the Spice Girls, inviting her readers to rate their tits out of five.

Good, clean, family fun. Rupert Murdoch must be so proud - and it can only be a matter of time before the editor's chair of the Wall Street Journal is Newton's by right.