Victoria Newton: A kind of homecomng

Those of you who have been reading No Rock for a while will remember that back before Gordon Smart's dismal showbiz coverage, Bizarre was the awful kingdom of Victoria Newton. Her high spot was having to run a humiliating apology to Nigel Martin-Smith after she ran Robbie William's lyrical attack on the man.

More recently, she'd been plying her trade at the now-defunct News Of The World. But unlike some other staffers there who were offered jobs in the middle of nowhere, Newton has been given a job right at the heart of Wapping. She's now going to edit the Saturday edition of the paper. Virtue, clearly, brings its own reward.

Gordon in the morning: Another return to form for Robbie Williams

As everybody at EMI crosses their fingers and hopes that the record will allow them to at least pay the milkman this month, it's no surprise to see Gordon rushing to the front of the crowd to cheer Robbie Williams' return:

ROBBIE WILLIAMS is back with an almighty bang.

I have had the exclusive first listen to Bodies, the much awaited single from his new album Reality Killed The Video Star.

This, of course, must be different from the single much more usefully reviewed yesterday by Popjustice, then.

This would also be different from the return from the wilderness Gordon was proclaiming back in January 2008, in some way.

Readers with even longer memories will recall Gordon's boss and predecessor Victoria Newton running a panty, thrilled review of the Rudebox album, only to change her tune a few months later when (a) she'd actually heard it and (b) it became clear it wasn't very good.

Still, Bizarre isn't a voice in the wilderness this time, as Gordon is quick to point out:

Radio 2 are already planning to make the track record of the week and Radio 1 have stuck it on the playlist six weeks before its release.

Although, since you're the only person to have heard the record, Gordon, with your exclusive first listen, they must be doing that unheard, right?

This time round, Trevor Horn is doing the production:

He has returned from the wilderness and gone back to the winning formula of good old-fashioned commercial pop, produced by veteran knobs-and-dials man TREVOR HORN. His influence is a stroke of genius, with a rich new electronic sound.

So it's a rich new old-fashioned electronic commercial pop record, is it? One of those.

For most people, having Horn on board would be enough. But this is Williams, who can't stop the theatrical winks just in case we don't get it. Hence, the album is called Reality Killed The Video Star. The second choice was "With Trevor Horn Out Of The Buggles Making It And He's Cool And Everything, Right?"

Gordon ends with a chilling prediction:

I'm off to stick a few quid on at the bookies for The Brits to be "The Robbie Show" next year.

Let's not picture Gordon, down William Hills, pushing across a betting slip with 'Brits to be The Robbie Show' across at the cashier, and just spend some time weeping with our head in our hands. Because there's every chance, given the Brits' ability to be so very wrong, that he could be right.

Gordon in the morning: The return of Victoria Newton

Bizarre has a big, exclusive interview this morning - a proper one, not just something that Gordon has found in his subscription to Total Guitar magazine. Lily Allen's come in to have a chat. It must be pretty exciting for Gordon.

Hang on a moment, though: What's this half-forgotten byline from the past?

Guys are really nice when we split up now so they don't end up in a song...

By VICTORIA NEWTON

Yes, Victoria's back on the Bizarre beat. It's unclear if this clattering down to the shopfloor was inspired by Rebekah Wade's wistful comments about Tesco executives working the checkouts, or if Lily's team would only speak to the Sun if they got Newton's special treatment. Perhaps Gordon was elsewhere, presenting Kasabian with an award so they can run the pictures next Christmas.

Still, it's been so long since Victoria was doing front-line reporting - would she still have the skill?

Oh, yes. All the Victoria trademarks are there.

Filling up space by quoting massive chunks of supposedly appropriate lyrics?

Her new album features a track called Not Fair, in which she refers to an ex being rubbish between the sheets.

She sings: “There’s just one thing that’s getting in the way/When we go up to bed you’re just no good/It’s such a shame/I look into your eyes, I want to get to know you/And then you make this noise and it’s apparent it’s all over.”

So it comes as no surprise that these days Lily’s boyfriends are careful how they treat her.

Check.

Filling more space by having the "boffins" rustle up a meaningless chart or graphic?

LILI ... the Lily In Love Index

Check.

Some searing political debate?

And she admits that if she were stuck on a desert island and had to choose between the only two men on there — PM GORDON BROWN or Tory leader DAVID CAMERON — it would have to be the Prime Minister.

She says: “I like Gordon Brown actually. Gordon or Cameron? I’d say Gordon.”

Check.

A confusion of being stick-thin with being healthy?

I caught up with Lily backstage at a warm-up gig to promote it and she was chirpier, brighter and certainly much thinner than I’ve seen her for a while.

Ah, Victoria, how we've missed you.

But, hey, don't think that Gordon was sat in the office while Newton swans in and takes the big interview for herself. Oh, no. Gordon was rubbing shoulders with the stars, too:

GEORGE SAMPSON has had the kind of night I expect of a Britain’s Got Talent Winner.

My pal spent Tuesday charming lovely LADY GAGA and PARIS HILTON.

Wouldn't you really expect the winner of New New Faces to be spending the evening waiting for the Red Coat to introduce him in the Miami Lounge while wondering if he'd not have been better off keeping the paper round?

Gordon writes a "hilarious" open letter for Sampson's teachers "explaining" what George's behaviour during the evening at some sort of mobile phone launch:

I’ve slapped his wrists and warned him that if it happens again I will confiscate his favourite cap.

It's probably best if you don't think about this too much.

Gordon in the morning: The Victorias return

Good lord. Given that yesterday's Beckham-meets-Newton "world exclusive" was stretched thin, its something of a surprise to discover another slew of nothing spreading all over the page (today's 'revelation' is that David and Posh were "young" when they met).

Beckham does have one good line:

“I know people sometimes don’t want to believe that we are happy but we are. And, come on, I couldn’t put on an act. I’m not that good an actress. Have you seen Spiceworld?"

Bet she's used that before, though.

With Newton taking back Bizarre, Gordon is reduced to padding out what's left by cutting and pasting Tefal press releases.

Gordon in the morning: Mother's back

A nervous day for Gordon Smart, as his predecessor and boss, Victoria Newton, returns to the kingdom clutching an exclusive - nay, world exclusive - interview with Victoria Beckham.

What could be so crucial about Beckham's message for the world that it's brought Newton back from her new, lofty perch, counting paper-clips and making sure that the PowWow man leaves enough bottles of water?

“Yes, I am eating more. I think you do eat more when you’re working out. And you want to eat healthily, so it’s good all round.”

Newton, you'll recall, is not the sort of journalist to take someone's word for that - she seeks evidence to back up the claim. Luckily, she's at lunch with Beckham and so doesn't need to create a "pal" to drum up a quote about seeing Posh with a Lion Bar:

For the record, lunch when we met was grilled fish, salad with balsamic dressing (on the side) and water, followed by peppermint tea.

Since this is a meal which represents "eating more", it does make you wonder what she was eating before, back when she was eating less. Perhaps she'd have them hold the peppermint in the tea.

We're kidding. Naturally, Newton wouldn't abandon her executive office just to report that Beckham is slowly coming to terms with salad dressings. No, no: there's hair, too. Victoria Beckham has hair:

Victoria caused shockwaves at NY Fashion Week when she turned up with her trendy new spikey haircut — nicknamed the Pop — yet she insists it wasn’t her idea. She just let the hairdresser loose.

She adds: “I do love it, and it’s easy to manage and David likes it so that’s all that matters. I wasn’t trying to copy anyone like AUDREY HEPBURN or MIA FARROW.

“I just told the hairdresser to use his imagination.”

If it's a trendy haircut - as Newton claims - then surely the last thing the hairdresser did was "use his imagination" and just slapped on what everyone else was having?

There are more shocks, though: Beckham has turned her back on shopping. She claims. Really:

“I don’t really go shopping any more — apart from the flea market I go to every Sunday. You can get some amazing vintage stuff there.

“That’s often where I get inspiration for my designs.”

Is it wise for a woman whose current line of business is flogging clothes to point out that, actually, you're better off going and buying second hand?

Newton concludes her puff-piece for the former Spice Girl by, effectively, handing over her notepad and offering her the chance to note down any thoughts she might have:

“I don’t really give a shit what people think about me. I’m more grown up now and I’ve learned not to care so much what people say.

“It feels fantastic that everything I’ve worked so hard for over the past five years is coming together.

“I’ve been on the covers of Vogue, I’m respected in the fashion industry, and ANNA WINTOUR (the legendary Vogue editor) takes my calls.”

It's odd that someone who doesn't care what anyone thinks about her, erm, clearly worries a lot what Anna Wintour, trouser merchants and Vogue think of her.

Gordon in the morning: Picking through the leftovers

Naturally, Gordon Smart is forced to the edges of his own section by the Britney story, which is left in the safer hands of US editor Emily Smith. At least in the paper, his marginalia is allowed the main stage. He's leading with a story about how great the new Robbie Williams stuff is.

Yes, like his boss and previous incumbent of the space, Victoria Newton, swore that Rudebox was brilliant.

Gordon, though, fails to live up to his surname:

I THOUGHT that ROBBIE WILLIAMS was supposed to be on strike?

Well, yes, but obviously he's got to talk up the stuff he's doing now - it's hardly going to bother EMI if Williams says he's withholding without anything to withhold.

Indeed, Smart seems to be part of Williams' negotiations with EMI, offering Robbie a chance to show his label bosses - supposedly - what he's missing. Smart struggles to decide if Williams is a clapped-out figure of fun, or a musical genius.

He's a figure of fun:

Rotund Robster

He's a musical genius:

it’s a Reason To Be Cheerful for Rob

He's terrible:

I’m not quite sure how you are supposed to know Robbie is on strike. He’s sat on his backside for most of the past year anyway.

He's wonderful:

And singing funky pop numbers is what Robbie does best.

He's rotten:

Apart from eating muffins and drinking coffee, of course.

Gordon's inability to decide if Robbie is a fat, washed-up, lazy nobody or Britain's leading musical talent seems to have been stirred up by Williams working with Chas Jankel. Smart seems unable to slag off Williams while he's working with a Blockhead, but at the same time is afraid to praise Williams new stuff in case it turns out to be as embarrassing as Rudebox is if and when it gets a release. Newton's creeping round Williams might have been pathetic, but at least she managed to retain a consistent approach across the length of a sentence.

We're not entirely convinced Smart has much more of a vague idea of who Chaz Jankel is, either:

Jankel was credited for the funk influences in Ian Dury And The Blockheads, who had a hit with the brilliant Reasons to be Cheerful, Part 3.

- which is accurate, but on a par with "The Beatles had a hit with a song called Love Me Do".

Robbie Williams is not that sorry

Buried deep on this morning's Bizarre is the news that Robbie Williams is going to apologise in court for the song which had a pop at Take That manager Nigel Martin-Smith:

In the original lyrics of the song, The 90s – which Rob had to change after the lawsuit was launched – he said how he fantasised about gouging Nigel’s eyes out. Nice guy.

Yes, the lyrics were repugnant. We know that, of course, because the previous incumbent of Bizarre - and now Gordon's boss, the Suntertainment uberfuhrer, Victoria Newton, published them in full. Unfounded claims that Martin-Smith had stolen cash and all.

Oddly, while Gordon's column finds room to speculate on if Williams will feel the pinch from the damages, he seems to have forgotten that The Sun also paid damages to Nigel Martin-Smith because of the song.

Newton leaves with a five year-old story

Yes, just because she's leaving doesn't mean that Newton hasn't got time to bring forward the big stories today. She's running a piece on Kylie's bum-in-the-air waxwork:

Kylie shamed by saucy waxwork

The admission came as the pop princess was immortalised with the unveiling of a brand new statue in her native Australia.

Actually, Victoria, the "admission" that Kylie didn't like the statue came when she spoke to the Kylie.co.uk website about it back in August 2002.

The end of an error: Newton takes her leave

If you have tears, pretend to shed them now. Victoria Newton is taking her leave of Bizarre, dedicating the lion's share of her column today to herself. So, no change there, then.

Like everything else, it doesn't make any sense:

THIS is a sad day as I’m giving up the best job in showbiz - editing Bizarre.

Really? So being entertainment boss of the entire paper is a worse job than editing a page? Why on earth would someone leave a job for one that's worse?

The time has come, after almost five eventful, fun and hangover-packed years, to finally grow up and try something new.

Did she mean to imply that the past five years have only been "almost" fun and eventful? Still, it's nice to see her suggest that she's not been writing like an adult for the time she's been at Bizarre.

I’m hanging up my designer heels to take an important new job as a Sun exec.

"Important new job"? I think you missed a "self" at the start there, Victoria.

But I’ll never forget my time in the hot seat experiencing some of the best moments of my life during my reign as The Sun’s Queen Of Showbiz, including being drawn by the people behind The Simpsons.

The woman who wrote this sentence has been promoted, giving her charge over other writers. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?
There's a bunch of photos of artists pretending to like her, and some craven cowards have even sent "messages", like she'd died or something:

Some A-list names have sent messages wishing me well with my new gig - even though I’ve been a constant menace digging up stories for my loyal Bizarre readers, including many that ended up on the front page.

In other words, some hapless junior hack has had to ring around press offices to gather some quotes from PRs who care more about getting space in the tabloids than the quality of journalism in the UK.

My biggest idol and favourite pop star of all time, Madonna, said: “From the Queen Of Pop to the Queen Of Showbiz — good luck.”

Madonna, of course, has long since ceased to be Queen of pop; it's like getting a leaving present from ex-King Constantine of Greece.

At least Bowie's contribution wasn't fawning - in fact, it sounds like someone mentioned her name to him, and scribbled down the response without the "oh, yeah, I remember - that one from The Sun, isn't it?" at the start:

He sent me this rambling message: “The last time I met Vic I had just given up smoking and I mentioned making the casual decision to start smoking at 13 years old as being possibly one of the worst moves of my life, though the artwork on some of the packets was brilliant and kept me buying them just to flash the pack around.”

Coldplay - in what is surely the final abdication of any credibility they may have had left - go for a full-out fawn:

Chris, GUY, JONNY and WILL took time out at Coldplay HQ to draw the brilliant goodbye picture. Needless to say it will be framed and put in pride of place on a wall in my house.

And so, you might wonder, what has Victoria decided to be her major contribution to the profession of Woodward and Bernstein, Cudlipp and Foot?

I take great pride in having given HEATHER MILLS McCARTNEY her nickname of LADY MUCCA after exposing her as a former porn star.

Good luck with the divorce settlement, Mucca, I don’t think.

Well done, Victoria, you came up with a nickname that nobody else uses, based on a "revelation" that had already been in papers back before the McCartney-Mills wedding; you're vilifying a woman for appearing in sexual poses in a newspaper supported by Page Three. What a glowing achievement. We'll miss you.

Victoria Newton: Moving on up

It is, in a very real sense, the end of an era. Yes, having successfully, erm, done something or other, Victoria Newton is no more in charge of Bizarre.

In a working demonstration of the Peter Principle, she's been shuffled upwards to take on a whole new role:

In a major promotion, Newton will leave the Bizarre column and join the editing rota.

"Victoria Newton, who has run Bizarre so superbly and with such style, is promoted to the new post of head of features and entertainment. She will supervise the whole features and showbiz operation both in the paper and online," [Rebekah] Wade wrote.

This, of course, leaves a howling vacuum at the top of the Bizarre page - one that's been there since Newton took over, in fact - and into that hole steps Gordon Smart.

Despite sounding like a made-up pop-star from a 1980s British sitcom, Smart is considered something of a rising star at The Sun. He's clearly enjoying rewards for his quality reporting on stories such as the axing of Doctor Who after next year's series, a story none of the other papers got. That it wasn't true is neither here not there, of course.

This week, Gordon has "exclusively" revealed Russell Brand was abused as child, an exclusive he got through the journalist skill of, erm, reading a review copy of Brand's autobiography.

Some might be surprised by Smart's elevation, but he's clearly got what it takes, as demonstrated by the "news" report he filed suggesting that McCartney was a bit fed up by the divorce and was - be prepared to be shocked - relaxing by talking to his kids. Of course, it did actually take three people to file the 100 word piece, but Gordon's name came first which suggests he must have done most of the work.

We look forward to the exciting new era of the Super-Smart Bizarre with a tingling sense of anticipation.

George Michael unspiced

Apparently, George Michael had been supposed to write a song for the Spice Girls comeback, part of the spectacular misunderstanding that anyone wants the band to do anything other than the first two albums.

However, he took so long he's been dumped, which has led to some bad blood between him and former friend Geri Halliwell.

None of which is remarkable, but it's worth taking a look at the - well, 'pun' would be wrong - that Newton has hammered into the last piece of her article:

Oh dear, showbiz pals eh?

One minute they are your best mate, but it can take one Careless Whisper and Wham! ...you can’t stand the sight of each other any more.

Yes, more than a little lame, but it doesn't make any bloody sense, either: in what way is 'taking too long to write a song so services no longer needed' a "Careless Whisper"? It's like she was going to write a story about George gossiping and getting the poke, but when that turned out not to be the case, she thought she'd use the gag anyway. Bemusing.

Boyzone: we invented the comeback

There's an almost identical Newton-and-Irish-boyband picture on the top of her interview with Boyzone, of course, although she appears to have resisted calling them Boizoine.

In it, Boyzine claim that coming back was their idea:

[T]hey are convinced the SPICE GIRLS camp nicked their secret ideas for their comeback.
[...]
Ronan told me: “We’ve been trying to find the right moment to do this for a long time — before Take That considered it, before THE POLICE were ever considering it.

“I remember in one of our meetings last year we were thinking, ‘Well, the Spice Girls aren’t gonna do it cos two girls are pregnant.’ We never expected them to come back.

“There were quite a lot of people at the meeting and a lot of things we talked about I felt were leaked. A lot of what the Spice Girls did was what we’d talked about. So maybe there was someone in the room that spread the word. I don’t know.

“It looks like Take That and the Spice Girls did it and we’re trying to jump on the bandwagon. But it’s not like that.”

Aside from being ridiculous in itself - as if the idea of band getting back together is such an unusual event that it's tantamount to a trade secret - wasn't the story last week that they were just getting back together for a strict, one-off Children In Need appearance with the tour plans a "hey, this is fun" surprise? Whereas the Spice Girls announcement was a big, showy, "we're playing an enormous world tour" announcement? That's shockingly similar.

Besides, Boyzone haven't said or done an original thing across their entire career, so why should they be worried about being thought to be jumping someone else's train now?

Westlife: Sing (badly) if you're glad to be gay

Newton is, by the way, milking the Westlife interview, which seems to be getting run over seventy-three pieces. One chunk - complete with a photo captioned "The Loife" (although even Newton's starting to look like she's regretting the whole meeting in this one) - is devoted to Mark Feehily's sexuality:

MARK FEEHILY says his decision to announce to the world that he is gay is the best thing he has ever done.

We've heard Westlife's music. Feehily coming out was the best thing any of them has ever done.

Coming out is an intensely personal choice, and different people choose to keep their sexualities secret for a range of reasons. However, it's amusing to see Feehily now suggesting 'rich man in showbusiness says he's gay' was like a Stonewall riot for the 21st century:

I think there’s still a long way to go until society accepts people’s sexuality but it has come a long way already.

Clearly, it had come far enough for Mark to feel comfortable joining the struggle after the hard work had been done.

“It’s so much better these days. Shows like Big Brother help and there are gay people in rock bands and pop groups and it’s no longer a big deal.

“There always was, of course, but it’s not a secret any more."

Yes, how Tom Robinson, Boy George and Elton John must curse their luck that they hadn't had Brian Dowling to act as a exemplar to them that you can be in entertainment, and out.

"It’s good that there are a variety of gay people in the public eye. It helps break down the stereotypes."

Yes. Having visible gay men singing in boybands really does prove to young gays that there's more routes open to them than simply going into stage musicals. Feehily is a powerful blow to stereotyping.

There is, of course, an interesting interview to be had with Feehily over his sexuality - why he felt unable to talk about himself for so long, why he chose to come out when he did - but Victoria Newton's not the person to do it:

ut Mark isn’t ready to do an ELTON JOHN and walk down the aisle with his partner just yet.

He explained: “Kevin and I haven’t thought about getting married. It’s good that gay couples can have the same legal rights as a straight couple.

“The idea that a person would be entitled to nothing if their gay partner died would enrage me, so it’s good that there is now legal protection.”

If you don't know that the question of gay marriage is quite separate from the issue of equal rights for gay partners, you're never likely to be in a position to ask the right questions, are you?

Doherty: A leak against the smack

Victoria Newton is carrying what she claims is Pete Doherty's rehab diary this morning.

It might seem surprising that Pete would choose to have the diary published by the woman who ran video of him shooting up even while he was telling everyone how great it is when you're straight, but, of course, he hasn't:

the diary [was] leaked by a worried pal to The Sun

Oh, really?

The shocked friend said: “I want this in the public domain because I want Pete to remember how determined he was to get clean and stay clean.

“It was awful to see him back using heroin in The Sun last week.”

Yes. If only it had been The Mail, eh?

What's not explained by the writer - John Coles, as Victoria doesn't seem to do anything other than write pieces about totty calendars and pose for pictures with the likes of Boyzone these days - is how "the pal" came to be in possession of the diaries. We imagine Pete's going to be annoyed at their publication - clearly, it'll harm the serialisation rights for The Albion Diaries and Sketchbook volume 2.

The "insights" the diary contain sound less like entries written in throes of withdrawal, more like the sort of thing you'd tell a judge to convince him you're trying to get clean:

“If I had not been chemically dependent my life would have been extremely manageable.

“No jail, no rehab, normal functioning friendships and relationships and a lucrative, respectable career.

“I would probably own a house, a driving licence and a better reputation.

“If I don’t pack in drugs, particularly crack and heroin, I am likely to either die, go bankrupt, go mad or end up permanently institutionalised. I’m on a direct course for all four.”

Was all Pete yearned for was a driving licence? Really?

Mika: free to travel to Belguim

The ongoing dispute between an act who has been called Mika for twenty-five years and the pop act Mika has had a day in court: The original Mika has failed to get "Grace Kelly" Mika banned from going to Belguim.

Victoria Newton sees this as some sort of moral victory:

Reggae Mika remains adamant that the other Mika should change his name.

She said: “I am not suing him for any money, but for the principle and my name.

“I had it registered in 1983. He is ruining my career.”

I think she’s taking the Mik.

While our Mika — real name Mica Penniman — is a worldwide star, she’s not even a household name in her own country.

Interesting approach to intellectual property from Newton, there: apparently it doesn't matter if you've registered a trademark, what's important is how effective the person infringing your copyright has been. Presumably she'd have been on the side of Goliath, too, on grounds that he was so much taller.

Westlife, Newton gather for a fawn-in

There's a splendid, mighty-cringe of a photo in this morning's Sun where Victoria Newton and Westlife pose with pints of Guinness. It's like the worst blind date ever.

The image isn't helped by the awful caption:

Loife and soul ... Victoria has a pint with, left to right, Mark, Shane, Nicky and Kian

Loife and soul? I suppose Westlife should be grateful they got off with just the Guinness cliche and weren't asked to be photographed with a pig under their arms.

Faced with the prospect of Newton pawing at them, Westlife instead make it clear they've got a boyfrie... sorry, express their love for the boss:

Nicky, 29, told me: “Simon is bigger than BRAD PITT in America. Ever since he started American Idol he’s become a megastar.

“We met up with him in the States a couple of years ago but we couldn’t get near him because he was so busy signing autographs.

“We take the mickey out of him. In his office he has a mirror that says, ‘Yes, Simon, you look terrific’.

“He wasn’t famous when we first met him but he hasn’t changed. How you see him behave on The X Factor is how he has always been.”

Simon Cowell - just for the record - isn't bigger in the US than Brad Pitt, although he is marginally more famous than Craig Revel Horwood. At the moment.

Still, it's nice to hear that fame hasn't changed him - although since before he was famous he was a honking, classless bully maybe it would have been better if it had.

Shane, meanwhile, welcomes back Take That:

“Slowly but surely pop music is coming back into the charts again thanks to Take That.

“Since their massive comeback I think it’s had a knock-on effect, helping to make pop music popular again. I hope it’s going to inspire record company bosses to sign more pop acts.

“Seven or eight years ago you couldn’t move for pop acts, then guitar bands came in and pop became a dirty word.

“Now you’ve got the SPICE GIRLS back, BOYZONE are reforming and with LEONA LEWIS’ incredible single sales it feels like things could be changing.”

You mean Leona Lewis, who is managed by... oh, Simon Cowell. What a surprise.

It's not clear, though, why record labels would need to go out signing new pop acts when there's so many old ones clambering out their crypts; indeed, if we were Shane we'd be worried that all these decade-old acts cluttering things up pop is starting to look somewhat elderly?

Mika scuppers Boyzone

Not quite getting the point of being a songwriter for hire, Mika has thrown a hissy and refused permission for Boyzone to release a track he wrote for the marketplace.

Apparently, Ronan and his besuited chums came across the track, I Gave It All Away, and thought it would be perfect for their comeback single. You know, for the comeback that's "only" a Children In Need appearance for now. They recorded it, prepping it for a "the one-off reunion was such a magical experience we thought it would be fun to do some more work" announcement. Then Mika heard it, decided it was too cheesy, and refused to allow it to be released.

Apparently, Mika doesn't realise that every song he writes sounds as cheesy as the market stall in an Amish farm and the reason why the song sounded like that wasn't the artist, but the writer.

Victoria Newton twists the knife:

It sounds like a classic Boyzone song

Of course, as she's closer to Keating than a pair of rubber knickers in a sauna, she probably doesn't realise quite how insulting that is.

Pete jacks back on smack, gets a Vicky attack

Oddly, Victoria Newton's cameraphone footage of Pete Doherty doing heroin "last Friday" got pushed down the Bizarre pecking order this morning; so far down, in fact, that we only just spotted it was there.

Handily, the paper provides a transcript:

The grim video — shot on a mobile phone and lasting 1min 14secs — shows Doherty crouched on the floor, holding a needle in his mouth.

He stares into the camera, “cooks up” the heroin on a spoon, and fills the syringe.

His head slumps forward as he injects it into his tattooed right arm.

Of course, The Sun has always got a bit uppity in the past when the BBC has shown people shooting up in news and drama, because it's seen as providing some sort of e-learning course. The Sun, though, has only good motives for publishing the film:

The Sun is well aware of the sickening nature of the images — and prints them only to show Doherty is not cured and is a terrible role model.

Yes. You need a one minute fourteen second video of Doherty on his knees with a head full of junk to discover that he's a terrible role model. Without that, he'd have been a shoo-in to be Chief Scout when Peter Duncan steps down.

It's not just the Pete's let the courts down, of course. It's not that he's let his friends down. More importantly, he's let Victoria Newton down:

I commended him for his lengthy stint in rehab and for his latest album, which is actually quite good.

Like others I genuinely believed, or rather hoped, that after six weeks off smack he could continue to stay on the straight and narrow.

But he had us all fooled. He is still a cliched old junkie.

You can hear her trying to undelete the obituary column she wrote, can't you?

And unless he gets serious help soon, I wonder if he will be around to provide us with another album — or whether we’ll be talking about another young talent lost.

We're not quite sure how Doherty can be a young talent but an old junkie. We're also not sure if a "young talent" would produce an "actually quite good" album, come to that.

Leona Lewis doubles up

Curious: A company called UEG has got hold of a bunch of Leona Lewis demos and is planning to release them at the same time as the "official" Lewis album. Cowell and his team aren't happy:

Last night a source in Leona’s camp said of the compilation: “These are unfinished tracks and UEG are clearly attempting to exploit Leona’s success.

“Our team is looking into this. We are concerned that her fans could be ripped off by a bootleg product.”

UEG, for their part, say the tracks were ones Lewis had been working on with them before she won X Factor and said goodbye to them; they're just trying to make back their investment.

That's not what's curious, though. What is curious is that Bizarre is running a taster of the UEG record, The Best Kept Secret, and Victoria Newton is providing positive reviews of the product. Is The Sun really backing a product which will cause upsetment in the X Factor camp? Or is there something all a bit stunty going on here?

Christmas with the Spice Girls

Tescos must be delighted, as the money they're paying The Spice Girls to appear in an ad is generating acres of coverage, such as Newton's simpering write-up this morning:

A source said: “It’s an amazingly lucrative deal for the girls, and Tesco are thrilled as it’s a real coup. The ads are very funny as the girls insisted it had to be a send-up.”

Yes, it's a "real coup" and not, as you might think "a simple case of them paying a large sum of money in a cash transaction", then.

And how much of a "send-up" is the advert?

The girls are seen sitting on a huge sofa with a sumptuous spread before them — and gold discs on the wall to remind everyone how successful they were.

Goodness. They like a laugh at their own expense (okay, and Tesco's expense), don't they?

Of course, there is something pleasing in the tie-up, with its echo of David Badiel's observation that the Spice Girls were the sort of woman you see working in Tescos and think "they're very attractive... for someone working in Tescos."