Saturday, November 24, 2007

The end of an error: Newton takes her leave

If you have tears, pretend to shed them now. Victoria Newton is taking her leave of Bizarre, dedicating the lion's share of her column today to herself. So, no change there, then.

Like everything else, it doesn't make any sense:

THIS is a sad day as I’m giving up the best job in showbiz - editing Bizarre.

Really? So being entertainment boss of the entire paper is a worse job than editing a page? Why on earth would someone leave a job for one that's worse?
The time has come, after almost five eventful, fun and hangover-packed years, to finally grow up and try something new.

Did she mean to imply that the past five years have only been "almost" fun and eventful? Still, it's nice to see her suggest that she's not been writing like an adult for the time she's been at Bizarre.
I’m hanging up my designer heels to take an important new job as a Sun exec.

"Important new job"? I think you missed a "self" at the start there, Victoria.
But I’ll never forget my time in the hot seat experiencing some of the best moments of my life during my reign as The Sun’s Queen Of Showbiz, including being drawn by the people behind The Simpsons.

The woman who wrote this sentence has been promoted, giving her charge over other writers. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?
There's a bunch of photos of artists pretending to like her, and some craven cowards have even sent "messages", like she'd died or something:
Some A-list names have sent messages wishing me well with my new gig - even though I’ve been a constant menace digging up stories for my loyal Bizarre readers, including many that ended up on the front page.

In other words, some hapless junior hack has had to ring around press offices to gather some quotes from PRs who care more about getting space in the tabloids than the quality of journalism in the UK.
My biggest idol and favourite pop star of all time, Madonna, said: “From the Queen Of Pop to the Queen Of Showbiz — good luck.”

Madonna, of course, has long since ceased to be Queen of pop; it's like getting a leaving present from ex-King Constantine of Greece.

At least Bowie's contribution wasn't fawning - in fact, it sounds like someone mentioned her name to him, and scribbled down the response without the "oh, yeah, I remember - that one from The Sun, isn't it?" at the start:
He sent me this rambling message: “The last time I met Vic I had just given up smoking and I mentioned making the casual decision to start smoking at 13 years old as being possibly one of the worst moves of my life, though the artwork on some of the packets was brilliant and kept me buying them just to flash the pack around.”

Coldplay - in what is surely the final abdication of any credibility they may have had left - go for a full-out fawn:
Chris, GUY, JONNY and WILL took time out at Coldplay HQ to draw the brilliant goodbye picture. Needless to say it will be framed and put in pride of place on a wall in my house.

And so, you might wonder, what has Victoria decided to be her major contribution to the profession of Woodward and Bernstein, Cudlipp and Foot?
I take great pride in having given HEATHER MILLS McCARTNEY her nickname of LADY MUCCA after exposing her as a former porn star.

Good luck with the divorce settlement, Mucca, I don’t think.

Well done, Victoria, you came up with a nickname that nobody else uses, based on a "revelation" that had already been in papers back before the McCartney-Mills wedding; you're vilifying a woman for appearing in sexual poses in a newspaper supported by Page Three. What a glowing achievement. We'll miss you.


Anonymous said...

Brilliant (as usual)!

That photo of Newton and Madonna - she has that as her facebook profile photo...

Simon Hayes Budgen said...

I somehow imagine that Madonna, though, doesn't...

Anonymous said...

Can someone even be exposed as being a porn star anyway. Surely, the whole point of being a former porn star is that you've, well, starred in some porn, and have therefore already received exposure in a film or magazine?

Anonymous said...

"...some of the best moments of my life during my reign as The Sun’s Queen Of Showbiz, including being drawn by the people behind The Simpsons"

And what a coup that was! Victoria Newton (of the Sun, prop. Rupert Murdoch) being drawn by the people behind The Simpsons (produced by Fox, prop. Rupert Murdoch). The tabloid equivalent of Vicky from PR getting crudely sketched by Bob from Design.

Still, it was a very kind thing to do, drawing her. A completely spontaneous act, and not in any way connected to the fact that the Simpsons Movie was out at the time and it gave the paper a reason to run yet another story on it without coming across too much like a puff-piece from the company's in-house rag.

Anonymous said...

You can get a picture of yourself as a simpson character on anyway.
She probably got that there and didnt tell anyone.

Good riddens to her!

Unknown said...

i dont know of the incident in question, but was she actually drawn "by the people behind the simpsons"? considering that on several occasions the sun themselves have done mock-up simpsonized celebrity caricatures themselves?

Unknown said...

also, the picture of her with timberlake is one of the funniest things i've ever seen. ever so slightly spoilt by the glimpse of his reluctantly reciprocating right hand but still very amusing

Anonymous said...

I will miss her for the funnies she produced from Simon (I only know her through his posts here). She has always struck me as a vile, vain and terrible journalist/hack.


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