Bono: Low tax will save us all

Our old friend Bono granted a lengthy interview to The Observer at the weekend. It appeared in the New Review section, but really should have gone on the business pages it appeared to be marking the point where Bono shifted from apologist, to spokesperson, for capitalism.

Most notably, Bono attempted to justify Ireland's low tax regime as providing a route to prosperity:

"Look, Ireland is not going to back down on this,” he says. “We are a tiny little country, we don’t have scale, and our version of scale is to be innovative and to be clever, and tax competitiveness has brought our country the only prosperity we’ve known. That’s how we got these [tech] companies here."

Trying to use the lure of tiny corporate tax rates to build a prosperous nation is a bit like hoping to find a lasting, loving relationship by sticking your cock through a glory hole.

The companies opening their headquarters aren't actually headquartering there - generally, these tax-efficient operations consist of a bored person on minimum wage answering the phone with "no, we're not expecting Mr Cook in today" and a really, really huge shredding machine. (Although to be fair, Apple also have a room where they've stored all the unsold U2 limited edition iPods.)

The only local businesses who experience an uplift as being part of a low tax economy are brass plate engravers as the multinationals arrive, followed by a similar boost for carpetbag manufacturers.

U2 themselves are a pretty good example themselves - Bono, busily defending the idea that low corporate taxes are brilliant for Ireland did, of course, shift huge chunks of his own money over to mainland Europe when a more eye-catching low corporate tax rate waved a come-hither finger.

On that point, Bono is amusingly slippery, as he ignores the central problem - that he's shafted the country that he professes to love in order to save himself a few quid - by pretending that what's really upsetting people is the secrecy:

It isn’t a clandestine offshore tax haven, Bono insists. “All of our stuff is out in the open. How did people find out about it? Because it’s published. The sneakiness is when you don’t even know what’s going on.”

No, Bono. If someone livestreams themselves pissing through your letterbox, so you can watch as they do it, it doesn't make it alright.

It raises the alarming idea that when Bono watches a movie where the villain tortures the hero, but the villain starts by detailing what that torture will involve, Bono isn't horrified but reaches for the popcorn going "well, the cutting off of the arm and beating around the head has been publicly declared so I don't see there's a problem here."

Apple might be comfortably at home in Cork now - although the most generous headcount is 4000 Apple people, less than one-in-four of all their European staff. But people with longer memories will recall the tremor that ran through the area in 1999 when the globally nimble business realised it was better off making iMacs in Wales, taking two-thirds of the jobs across the border.

And Apple are probably amongst the most generous of the companies who have headquartered in Ireland - the Financial Times visited Endo, a pharmaceutical company who are now based in Dublin:

The global headquarters of Endo International is so new that, apart from a few desktop computers, the most visible purchase to date is the Nespresso machine in the kitchen. Located in the basement of a Georgian house in central Dublin, the company, which makes branded and generic medicines, does not even have a brass plate on the door.

Not even the brass plate engraver got a call.

Maybe the glory hole metaphor is the wrong way round, as Ireland isn't the one shoving its cock through the wall. It's on the other side, providing the service. And, sure, it's getting something out of the arrangement as long as it lasts, but everything could be pulled out without warning, leaving Ireland with a mess to clean up. And never able to look into the eyes of the person making the decision.

Occupy HMV

While Deloitte are still trying to find a buyer for the UK HMV chain, the Ireland branches have been put into receivership and closed.

Staff, understandably, are angry as hell at being told they won't get paid, and are occupying the Limerick store:



Also being hit by the more extreme approach being taken in the Republic are the proceeds from a charity single. RTE explains:

€27,000 in funds raised by a charity single for a seriously ill child are in limbo because of the problems facing HMV.

More than 300 musicians took part in the recording of "Tiny Dancer", which went to number one.

Lily Mae Morrison, a four-year-old from Galway, is undergoing treatment for neuroblastoma at Our Lady's Children's Hospital Crumlin.

The charity says that Deloitte are "aware of the sensitivity of the situation", by which I think they mean they know how bad a terrible situation could look. Perhaps Deloitte might like to pass a share of the squillions they're getting for closing HMV down to the charity as well?

Eurovision 2011: Ireland heading for minus points

Ireland does have a history of pitching unstomachable acts to Eurovision - Dustin The Turkey, for example - but surely putting Jedward in the mix is a step too far even for them?

Obviously, Ireland is bankrupt and not entirely popular with fellow Europeans at the moment, so it could be that suggesting Jedward go and represent the country is to give them a poisoned chalice which has been stirred with a shitty stick.

There are four other bands fighting for the "honour" of representing Ireland. Their names will be announced once they've had a chance to shower and get a warm meal down them.

Ireland now relying on advice from Westlife

If it wasn't bad enough having the IMF turn up like your mother, suggesting you spend a little less on takeaway pizzas and suggesting you ask your Uncle Mickey for a job at the car wash, Ireland are now suffering the indignity of having Westlife trying to perk them up:

In his assessment of the Irish economy, Nicky Byrne is blunt.

"Things are very bad," he says.

"But when things are bad you need to dig deep and pull together. We're a good enough nation to do that."

No wonder the Irish government kept denying they were going to seek a bailout - they were just waiting to deploy Westlife distributing tin-eared platitudes. That'll sort things out:

Byrne's bandmate Kian Egan thinks that most people still hold the country in high esteem.

"I don't think the image of Ireland is down," he says.

"The people are down, but Ireland is the most beautiful country in the world and the people are some of the friendliest in the world."

It turns out that rather than quantitative easing, Westlife's plan to refloat the Irish economy is to release an extra flow of stereotypes into the system:

"Anyone who has ever been knows it's a fantastic country for a pint of Guinness, a night in the pub, a bit of a laugh. The surf here is amazing, there's so many great things here. Tourism will come back up big again.

That's all it's going to take, then - just get the Dáil to agree to increase the craic levels and everything will be fine.

I suppose at least they didn't ask Bono. Although there'd be something quite pleasing about the Dutch using U2's tax funds to bail out the Irish.

Gordon in the morning: Christine Bleakley catapults to hero status

Gordon Smart is in no doubt what the most important showbiz story is this morning:

Christine Bleakley makes rude jibe to Jedward

No! Surely not! Whoever thought we might have to respect Christine Bleakley?

Apparently, though, this is no snickering matter. Gordon is cross:

[B]ehind the pretty face there is a far less attractive side to the TV star.

It's true. If you ripped her face off, there'd be a less-attractive mixture of muscles and blood and... oh, you were being metaphorical.

Christine delivered a horribly cutting remark to harmless JEDWARD backstage at the National TV Awards on Wednesday night.

It's like kicking a kitten. Apart from kittens being lovable and cute.

So, steel yourselves: what was this remark, so cutting and horrible, that Bleakley apparently jibed out at Jedward?

The presenter, from Belfast, launched a Scud missile into the likeable pair just before they went on stage to perform their new single Under Pressure (Ice Ice Baby).

Yes, yes, yes. But what was it?

Christine hissed: "You paint a bad picture of Ireland."

Yes, yes, yes. But what was the devastating scud missile cruel rudery rema... Oh. That was it?

I was hoping for something like "even combined, the pair of you barely contain enough DNA to make a crab" or "you're like a Doctor Seuss book brought to life - and that was shit enough when Mike Myers did it" or "is there actually a punchline to you, or are we just waiting for someone to arrive with the minibus to take you home?"

Still, let's not underestimate the hurt this mild rebuke might of caused. It was done in front of people:

There was a team of people nearby, including the twins' make-up artist, who heard what she said.

Oh noes - not mildly ticking them off in front of their own make-up artist? Oh, the humanity. (Actually, why didn't Christine take the opportunity to have a go at their make-up artist as well - the twins can't help it, but the make-up artist is choosing to send them out like that.)

Given that there isn't really much to say here, we're done, right Gordon?

I'm guessing that what Christine means is they could be accused of reinforcing the hateful old stereotype of the Irish as being a bit daft - which led to nasty Irish jokes some years ago.

Oh. We're not done. Seriously, Gordon? You've parsed Bleakley's line and decided that she was somehow trying to fuel an outdated national stereotype? Isn't it possible to say, for example, "you are an insult to journalism" without meaning "I think people should make cruel jokes about proper journalists"?

It's a bit of an extreme leap, even for a man trying to justify running a lame piece of backstage gossip as a big splash. It's even odder to find the Sun suddenly deciding that it doesn't like Irish jokes after all - in the past, objecting to those was described as 'bullying' and while cracking Irish gags was a fun way of relaxing for celebrities. Now Gordon and the paper decide they don't like Irish jokes after all? Politically correctness really has gone mad.

Everyone wants their nation to be portrayed in a good light. But in my book Jedward are just two entertaining young lads who wouldn't wish to offend anyone.

And, to the best of my knowledge, they are national treasures in Ireland.

It's not entirely clear how far Gordon's knowledge runs in this area. He ends with a Rodney King style plea:

They put smiles on a lot of people's faces.

How bad can that be?

Do they put smiles on people's faces, though? Aren't they - at best - making people smirk?

Irish Daily Mail shuns Daily Mail

Not only does the entire world seem to be disgusted by Jan Moir's homophobic piece on the death of Stephen Gately (Moir contended that a gay man cannot die unexpectedly from natural causes, you'll recall), but even the Irish Daily Mail is shunning Moir:

The Irish Mail on Sunday carried four pages of coverage on Gately's funeral in Dublin and printed a disclaimer, as did the Irish Daily Mail yesterday: "Comments made by journalist Jan Moir about Stephen Gately in her newspaper column caused controversy on Friday. Jan Moir's column has never been published in the Irish Daily Mail which, like the Irish Mail on Sunday, is edited and printed entirely in Ireland – independent of the UK titles – and does not have an online presence."

MediaGuardian points out that it's sort-of true; the paper is stuffed with former members of the London operation, and runs swathes of copy from the 'proper' Daily Mail, so it's independent like a fiefdom where a foreign Prince holds sway.

Still, the Daily Mail condemning a piece run in the Daily Mail. That you actually couldn't make up.

Irish ISPs face legal action from majors

With Eircom having folded and told the big record labels that it would do whatever they asked of it, if you're looking for an ISP in Ireland and want one which puts your privacy ahead of the interests of international companies, you've still got a choice.

For now. Because the lawyer-happy music industry is now dragging BT Ireland and UPC to court to try and force them to introduce a 'three strikes' rule. To be fair, the majors have no choice but to behave in this manner, as part of their agreement with Eircom was that they'd try to ensure their competitors also had a three strikes rule so as not to put them at a competitive disadvantage.

Funny that, isn't it? The record companies try to tell us that three strikes is in everyone's interests, and that most people would welcome this sort of rule, and yet Eircom clearly feel that being the only company with three strikes on the book would cause customers to shun it to a worrying degree.

IRMA - which is the RIAA pretending to be interested in Ireland - are pressing ahead despite increasing evidence that throwing people off the internet is going to fall foul of European human rights legislation. It's not often I feel sorry for BT, but having to go to court to try and argue why it doesn't really want to find itself in court in Strasbourg seems a little unfair.

Favourite son: Ireland rallies round Bono

With Bono's moon-june/peanut butter-was a nutter Elvis poem about to find a slot on Radio 4, the wackily-eyeclad one's work has come in for a bit of a lashing.

But today is his birthday, and as a special present, The Irish Independent has rallied up some experts to stick up for Bono as a lyricist:

"Bono has written his fair share of bad lyrics, but when he gets it right his words really stand out. Look at some lines from 'Ultra Violet (Light My Way)': 'When I was all messed up/ And I heard opera in my head/ Your love was a light bulb/ Hanging over my bed.' That's so evocative and works as beautiful writing away from the music. It can stand on its own on the page and, of course, it's even more effective when accompanied by the music."

Although given that's the opinion of Scott Calhoun, who is organising an international U2 conference, it's the admission that there's a "fair share" of bad lyrics which really stands out.

Calhoun -- who has to contend with the bemused reaction of his academic peers when he talks about U2 -- is not afraid to criticise Bono's less inspired moments. "I don't think he works on his lyrics in the pain-staking manner of people like Dylan or Lennon. Often, they change at the last moment and sometimes his words can come across as lazy or very silly. I mean a line like 'some days you can't stand the sight of a puppy' from 'Some Days Are Better Than Others' is pretty difficult to defend."

Yes, the Irish Independent did hyphenate painstaking in that curious way - as if the lyric is something on which you would gamble pain, rather than the more usual "something with which you would take pains to get right".

The most interesting part of the story, though, is this:

Meanwhile, the Daily Mail greeted news of Bono's recitation with unbridled hostility. "Why is the BBC so in love with Bono when he's a dreadful old hypocrite?" Thursday's headline screeched. And Mail journalist Christopher Hart offered his own poem: "Bono in your sunglasses, even when it rains/ Bono in your private jet while the rest of us take trains/ Bono with your tax affairs safely overseas/ Bono, oh will you shut up, please." The poem's title? Bono: Irish Twit. Readers of the paper's Irish edition won't have been able to sample Hart's poetic attempts: it was only published in the UK.

Only the Mail could actually be hypocritical about calling someone a hypocrite.

Labels try to throw weight at Irish ISPs

Because Eircom rolled over and signed up for three strikes, the music industry has now decided to push its luck and try to insist the rest of the industry falls into line:

Irish Times says EMI, Sony (NYSE: SNE), UMG and WMG have written to companies including mobile operator 3 Ireland and hotspot outfit Bitbuzz warning of legal action within seven days if they don’t follow suit. The letter also hints of further action to come regarding the blocking of torrent trackers like The Pirate Bay.

Oh, yes. Some more ruinously expensive lawsuits built on shaky half-understood legal principles. That's exactly what the record companies should be doing.

The labels seem to believe that an out-of-court settlement forms a legal precedent. Perhaps they've had to let the lawyers go and are now running their legal activities with nothing more than a dog-eared Law Made Simple to guide them?

U2 Tower tumbles as stock markets turn to dust

Some good news out of the economic gloom: the ugly tower that U2 was going to throw up to spike the Dublin skyline has been put on hold for 12 months as nobody wants to invest in a Bono vanity project right now. No word yet on if the group's plans to despoil The Clarence will similarly be reined in as Ireland wins the European race to recession.

Majors sue ISP - in Ireland

Eircom, the Irish telecommunications giant, is being sued by IRMA, which is the RIAA's client in the Republic; the reason, of course, is that the labels don't believe the ISP is doing enough to stop illegal file-sharing.

Part of the record company's bid to try and make other people responsible for doing its job, the case will be heard in July.

Right-wing politician in 'no sense of humour' shock

Dana, the anti-abortionist singer, isn't amused by the Irish people choosing to send Dustin The Turkey to Eurovision. Having been sent to Europe herself by popular vote when she was an MEP, you'd think she'd have sympathy for the voice of the people when it's spoken, but instead, she pulls a sourpuss face:

"I just think it's making a mockery of the contest and if we think it's such a big joke then let's get out of it".

She added: "Certainly don't put a turkey in a trolley up against singers who are desperately trying to make a way in their career."

Making a mockery or Eurovision? Can you imagine such a thing? Clearly, the turkey act fails to appreciate that Eurovision is a serious-minded cultural event - as evidenced by previous winners like Hard Rock Hallelujah and Dana International's song.

You've got to be impressed with her desperate bid to try and make it seem like there's a serious issue at stake here - 'think about the struggling singers', as if bread is being stolen from their mouths by some people having a bit of fun with an event that's supposed to make people smile. It's not clear, by the way, why Dana believes that puppeters and the singer-doing-Dustin's-voice should be denied their chance to further their career.

Dana worries this might just prove to be the thin end of a wedge:

"The problem is they love puppets in Europe. If, God forbid he wins, we'll probably have more puppets than people in next year's Eurovision," she said.

Yes. The way that after Lordi won, every nation entered a heavy rock outfit in pantomime gear.

Ireland tells turkey "you're bootiful"

Last night, the good people of Ireland had a choice: Vote to send Dustin The Turkey to Eurovision, or listen to the earnest cries of 'proper' musicians and send someone who isn't a puppet.

The people of Ireland did the right thing.

Turkey to be Ireland's Eurovision entry

It's either an act of bravado, or - ahem - simply giving Eurovision the bird, but Ireland looks intent on sending a singing turkey to this year's Eurovision. An actual puppet on a string.

A delightful piece of whimsy for a knockabout competition, you might think. Not, apparently, if you're a songwriter in Ireland. To them, it's as welcome as a turkey twizzler in a health farm:

Frank McNamara, who wrote two Eurovision winners, asked whether RTE, the state broadcaster that selected the six acts, was “giving two fingers” to Irish songwriters. “I think it is absolutely disgraceful,” he said.

Shay Healy, who wrote Johnny Logan’s Eurovision hit What’s Another Year?, wondered “how any bunch of grown-ups could come up with this as a solution”. And Phil Coulter thought that Eurovision was going “down the tubes”.

Some observers might wonder if there's very much distance between Johnny Logan and a turkey puppet. The anger of the songwriter might be less about Eurovision and more because Dustin The Turkey's records tend to be more popular than the music they write. After all, it's not like RTE are sending Scooch, is it?

Westlife, Newton gather for a fawn-in

There's a splendid, mighty-cringe of a photo in this morning's Sun where Victoria Newton and Westlife pose with pints of Guinness. It's like the worst blind date ever.

The image isn't helped by the awful caption:

Loife and soul ... Victoria has a pint with, left to right, Mark, Shane, Nicky and Kian

Loife and soul? I suppose Westlife should be grateful they got off with just the Guinness cliche and weren't asked to be photographed with a pig under their arms.

Faced with the prospect of Newton pawing at them, Westlife instead make it clear they've got a boyfrie... sorry, express their love for the boss:

Nicky, 29, told me: “Simon is bigger than BRAD PITT in America. Ever since he started American Idol he’s become a megastar.

“We met up with him in the States a couple of years ago but we couldn’t get near him because he was so busy signing autographs.

“We take the mickey out of him. In his office he has a mirror that says, ‘Yes, Simon, you look terrific’.

“He wasn’t famous when we first met him but he hasn’t changed. How you see him behave on The X Factor is how he has always been.”

Simon Cowell - just for the record - isn't bigger in the US than Brad Pitt, although he is marginally more famous than Craig Revel Horwood. At the moment.

Still, it's nice to hear that fame hasn't changed him - although since before he was famous he was a honking, classless bully maybe it would have been better if it had.

Shane, meanwhile, welcomes back Take That:

“Slowly but surely pop music is coming back into the charts again thanks to Take That.

“Since their massive comeback I think it’s had a knock-on effect, helping to make pop music popular again. I hope it’s going to inspire record company bosses to sign more pop acts.

“Seven or eight years ago you couldn’t move for pop acts, then guitar bands came in and pop became a dirty word.

“Now you’ve got the SPICE GIRLS back, BOYZONE are reforming and with LEONA LEWIS’ incredible single sales it feels like things could be changing.”

You mean Leona Lewis, who is managed by... oh, Simon Cowell. What a surprise.

It's not clear, though, why record labels would need to go out signing new pop acts when there's so many old ones clambering out their crypts; indeed, if we were Shane we'd be worried that all these decade-old acts cluttering things up pop is starting to look somewhat elderly?

IRMA create copyright cellmate

IRMA - the RIAA in Ireland - are whooping with delight at the sentencing of Martin McDonagh to six months in prison. McDonagh was caught trying to flog knock-off CDs in pubs and markets, and IRMA's DG Dick Doyle is thrilled:

This sends out a strong warning sign to anyone involved in illegal counterfeiting and CD selling. It is stealing from people who make a livelihood from music. We will do everything in our power to seek out and prosecute anyone involved in any form of unlawful music practice. This is the first prison sentence that has been imposed and we intend that it will not be the last'.

We're not sure that it's actually up to Doyle to instruct courts what sentence to pronounce, and it seems a little harsh to throw McDonagh in jail despite his guilty plea - it's certainly not going to lead to anyone caught in the future offering to co-operate in the hope of a lighter sentence.

NME closes

All good things come to an end; some more abruptly than others. Four months after launch, IPC has pulled the plug on NME Ireland. [Link requires free registration]

NME Ireland editor Steve Cummins is less than thrilled:

"It wasn't selling as well as anticipated but that's not to say that sales were bad. They were up an awful lot on what they had been before the Irish edition.

"There was no talk of it being on a trial run or anything like that, although I was aware that for the first period everything is on a trial basis. I think NME intended to be in it for the long haul but IPC decided to pull it."

Although hopes for the title were high at launch, it seems there's not been much in the way of advertising support for the title.

Dublin's Club NME nights will continue; readers in the Republic will now receive the UK edition instead. If they want it.